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I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

-Bill Maher

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I’m Supposed To Be

Bill Maher

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I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

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It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

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Down In Texas, Rick Perry Announced He Will Not Run For Reelection. He Said 'i Executed One Last Woman, That Fertilizer Plant Exploded, I Returned Abortions To Back Alleys Where It Belongs, My Work Here Is Done.' I Think That's What He Said, He Was Chewing A Crayon.

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When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

Karl Rove Thinks We Shouldn’t Have Hillary Clinton In The White House Because She Fell And Hit Her Head A Couple Years Ago, Spent Three Days In The Hospital, And Maybe She Has Brain Damage. You Know, I Don’t Recall The Republicans Being This Concerned With Mental Fitness During The Years When Reagan Was Talking To House Plants In The White House.

A Cult Is A Cult, And That's What A Frat Is. A Place Where They Strip You Of Your Personality And Rebuild It In Their Image.

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

The Bible Looks Like It Started Out As A Game Of Mad Libs.

I Think The Right-wingers Have To Buddy Up To The Fact That Either The Minimum Wage Has To Go Up, And People Get Enough Money To Live, Or You're Always Going To Have People Needing Government Assistance. You Can't Have It Both Ways.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

In New York, Catholic Groups Have Forced An Art Gallery To Shut Down An Exhibition Of A Six-foot Image Of Jesus In Chocolate. So, The Archbishop Of New York Was Very Upset. He Said, 'it Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.'

If The Bible Myth Of Jonah In The Whale And The Mother Goose Myth Of Jack And The Beanstalk Were Switched At Birth So That Jack In The Beanstalk Were In The Bible, Do You Think Any Child Would Notice?

The President Is Not Doing Well With African Americans. His Popularity Rating - His Approval Rating - With Blacks: Two Percent. Two Percent. That Is Somewhere Between Mark Fuhrman And Sickle Cell Anemia.

Approval Rating

The Idea That I Hear From The Right Wing In The Last Few Decades, Is That Any Sort Of Sacrifice Is An Affront To My Liberty As An American To Be A Pig The Way I Want To.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

How Come Regional Pandering Only Works In One Direction, Right? You Never See A Southern Politician Trying To Win Votes In New York State By Saying, 'i Read Books And Make A Mean Vegan Meatloaf.'

I Think Capital Punishment Works Great. Every Killer You Kill Never Kills Again.

Guys You Have Way Too Much Invested In Sport. Guys You Are Not The Tenth Man. You're A Machine For Turning Beer Into Piss That's What You Are!

Also, In The Category Of 'obvious But Still Shocking,' An Animal Called A 'killer Whale' Killed Someone Who Was Trying To Play With It. Now, No One Knows Exactly What Enraged The Whale, But Earlier In The Week, It Had Been Thrown Off A Flight By Southwest Airlines.

Gingrich Is The "foremost Intellectual" In The Republican Party Like Gene Simmons Is The Foremost Intellectual In "kiss".

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

Talk To Women Who've Ever Dated An Arab Man. The Results Are Not Good.

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Emergency Rooms Will Be Used The Way They Were Intended To Be Used: Not For Primary Care, But For When The Average Freaky American Get Some Strange Object Up His Ass.

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When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

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I Do Miss George Bush. Compared To These Teabaggers And The People Who Are Pandering To Them, He Looks Like A Professor.

In This Country Your Guilty Until Proven Wealthy.

Did You See The 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The Last Time The Republicans Had That Many Black People On A Stage, They Were Selling Them!

People Are Either Good Or They're Not. Religion Doesn't Make Anybody Good, I Don't Think.

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

Mccain Was Introduced At The Convention Last Night By His Wife -- I Won't Say 'trophy Wife' -- But She Did $300,000 Worth Of Clothes And Jewelry On, No Matter To The Party Of The Little Guy. But Cindy Mccain Talked About How His Character, Honor And Integrity Made Him The Exact Kind Of Married Man She Was Looking To Pick Up At A Bar.

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All I'm Saying, As A Fan, Is I'm Tired Of The Same Song For 30 Years. Can't We Change The Message A Little? You've Arrived. You Have A Black President. Every White Guy In A Commercial Doesn't Have To Be The Idiot And Every Black Guy In A Rap Song Doesn't Have To Be God's Gift To The World.

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Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

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Tea Party Has Now Cost The Republicans 5 Senate Seats. My Next Donation Is Going To Them.

I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

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If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

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I Kid The Republicans, With Love. I Feel Bad For Them. They Got Nobody For Next Time. Who Are They Gonna Run? Sarah Palin, Reading Off Her Hand. Did You See That? You Saw This? She Wrote "tax Cuts" On Her Hand. A Republican So Stupid She Has To Be Reminded Of The One Thing - Tax Cuts! This Is Like If You Saw The Coyote's Paw And It Said "road Runner".

It's Supposed To Be A Good Thing That He's Got This Dialogue Started. To Me, I Think, I Just Took Away Something Bad From It, Because, Apparently He Had To Do This Not To Convince Them Of Anything. To Educate Them.

At Some Point In The Last 20 Years, The Left Moved To The Center, And The Right Moved Into A Mental Institution.

New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

Republicans Look To Find The Future And They Find Radio.

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I'm Staying In A Strange Hotel. I Called Room Service For A Sandwich And They Sent Up Two Hookers.

If You Belonged To A Political Party Or A Social Club That Was Tied To As Much Bigotry, Misogyny, Homophobia, Violence, And Sheer Ignorance As Religion Is, You'd Resign In Protest. To Do Otherwise Is To Be An Enabler, A Mafia Wife.

I Have Always Defined Political Correctness As An Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth.

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I Don't Want My President To Be A Tv Star. You Don't Have To Be On Television Every Minute Of Every Day - You're The President, Not A Rerun Of 'law & Order'. Tv Stars Are Too Worried Bout Being Popular And Too Concerned About Being Renewed.

We Don't Do Sensible Things. This Is America.

Americans Are Desperately, Here On The West Coast, Buying Up And Hoarding Iodine Pills... Isn't It Great That In A Land That Is Divided Between Conservative Morons And Liberal Pussies, Somehow We Have Managed To Find A Way To Pull Together And Behave Like Moronic Pussies?

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

I Said I Didn't Respect Religion... And Anyone Who Believes In Fairy Tales To Answer Questions That We Can't Answer... So I Don't Respect Our Religions Either. But I Do Believe It Is A Clash Of Civilizations, Absolutely, Between The Islamic World And The Western World. It Has Been Going On For 1,000 Years.

The Media Is All Over This Oui Interview That Arnold Did 25 Years Ago. Now, He's Admitted He Smoked Pot, Had Group Sex And Didn't Mind Dating A Girl That Was Out Of Shape And Kind Of Fat If She Satisfied Him Sexually. So, His Handlers Have Stopped Comparing Him To Reagan And Started Comparing Him To Clinton.

Sarah Palin's Whole Family Got Into A Drunken Public Fistfight. Something Police Are Calling A 'tragic Case Of Trash-on-trash Violence.'

What Is It With Conservatives? Seriously, I'm Not Trying To Be Partisan But It Seems Like If They're Anti-illegal Alien, They Have Illegal Aliens Working For Them. If They're Anti-gay, They Turn Out To Be Gay. If They're Super Christian, They're A Witch.

But I've Often Said That If I Had – I Have Two Dogs – If I Had Two Retarded Children, I'd Be A Hero. And Yet The Dogs, Which Are Pretty Much The Same Thing. What? They're Sweet. They're Loving. They're Kind, But They Don't Mentally Advance At All. Dogs Are Like Retarded Children.

White People Have Always Shown Their Superiority Over Blacks With Their Feet, Moving Out Of Black Neighborhoods With The Fear That Their Kids Will Turn Into One Of Them. And Now, Through The Magic Of Mtv, Damned If It Didn't Turn Out That Way!

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Amazon Has Included Me In An Opportunity To Provide Top-shelf Television-style Programming Live On The World's Computer Screens. To Hold Forth With The Industry's Very Best Actors, Directors, Musicians, Authors - I'm Thrilled To Be On The Cutting Edge Of This.

Mitt Romney Was Attacking Obama About Our Failing Education System. He Has A Point. We Are Graduating Millions Of People In This Country Who Are So Lacking In Basic Analytical Skills, They Are Considering Voting For Mitt Romney.

The Difference Between The Three Abrahamic Religions: Christianity - Mumbling To The Ceiling, Judaism - Mumbling To The Wall, Islam - Mumbling To The Floor.

People Like The Mormons And The Scientologists, Who I Think Should Combine And Make A Mormontologist Because What They Believe Is Just So Out There It's Just Laughable.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Is In Intensive Care. He's Suffering From A Severe Case Of Pancreatitis, Which They Can't Really Figure Out Because He's Not Really A Drinker. They Think He Might Have Picked Up Some Type Of Infection While Wiping His Ass With The Bill Of Rights.

Your Fuselage Shouldn't Open More Easily Than Your Pretzel Bag.

Maybe A President Who Didn't Believe Our Soldiers Were Going To Heaven Might Be A Little Less Willing To Get Them Killed.

Who Takes Care Of Their People Better? Fema Or Hezbollah?

Rush Limbaugh, Who Has Made A Career Preaching That Anybody Who Does Drugs Has Got To Go Right To Jail - Do Not Pass Go, No Questions Asked, Right To Jail - Gets Caught Doing Thirty Oxycontin A Day. Thirty Oxycontin?! Do You Have Any Idea How High That Is?! I Don't, And I've Been Pretty High!

Why Is Mitt Romney Not Bragging: 'i Covered All These People'? Why Can't The Democrats Sell The Idea, We're Trying To Make You Well? Is That Such A Hard Sale?

Gordon Gekko Was Right: Greed Is Good. Because, The Potty-trained Republicans Have Now Stepped Forward - Like The Koch Brothers - To Say, 'you Know What? You Yokels Stop Talking About Defaulting On The Debt, Because I'm Going To Lose A Fortune!'

I Do Think The Patriotic Thing To Do Is To Critique My Country. How Else Do You Make A Country Better But By Pointing Out Its Flaws?

If You Think Democrats Are Going To Take Away Your Bible, You're An Idiot. If You Think They Are Going To Take Away Your Gun, You're An Armed Idiot. If You Think They're Going To Take Away Your Gun And Give It To A Mexican To Kill Your God, You're Bill O'reilly.

Canadian Bacon Isn't Bacon. It's Ham.

The Other Guys Are Selling Certainty. Not Me. I'm On The Corner With Doubt.

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

To Give You An Idea How Slowly We Are Leaving Afghanistan, Afghans Don't Refer To Us Anymore As 'infidel Crusaders.' They Refer To Us As 'irish Relatives.'

Saying Someone Is Religious Is Heard In Most Of America As A Compliment, A Reassuring Affirmation That Someone Will Be Moral, Ethical, And After A Few Glasses Of Wine, A Freak In The Bedroom.

Donald Rumsfeld Also Lost His Gig Last Week. When Asked What His Future Plans Are, Rumsfeld Said, 'what's A Plan?'

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

I Don't Know If Anybody From My Tribe Of Atheists Ever Thanked [barack Obama] For Giving Us A Shout-out At Your First Inaugural, But You Did Mention Non-believers. We Appreciate It. Because We Do Feel Like Untouchables To A Degree.

Every Election, Roughly Half The Population Votes Democrat And The Other Half Votes Republican. Now, I Understand Why The Republicans Get One Percent Of The Vote - The Richest One Percent.that Other Percent, Someone Will Have To Explain To Me.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

You Can Always Tell When Obama's Negotiations With The Republicans Are Winding Down, Because He's Missing His Watch And His Lunch Money.

Like It Or Not, We're Still A Primitive Tribe Ruled By Fears, Superstition And Misinformation.

New Rule: 'kidiots' Leave The Children Behind. At Least Until They Learn Something. A New Study Has Shown That Half Of American High Schools Agree That Newspapers Should Only Be Able To Publish Government-approved Material. Almost One Out Of Five Said People Should Not Be Allowed To Voice Unpopular Opinions..this Is The First Generation After September 11th, Who Discovered News During A 'watch What You Say' Administration...george W. Bush Once Asked, 'is Our Children Learning.' No, They Isn't. A Better Question Would Be, 'is Our Teacher's Teaching?

People Do Not Want To Be Disillusioned By The New President [barak Obama]. The Liberals Felt, Finally, This Is Our Time. Now They're Worried. Now What They See Is More Business As Usual. We All Want To Give Him The Benefit Of The Doubt, We Know It's A Tough Job And He Inherited A Mess, But At The End Of The Day, Is It Really Change We Can Believe In When There's No Public Options And Wall Street Reform Has No Teeth In It? It Really Looks A Lot Like We Just Changed The Color.

Guns Aren't Just A Tool Of Last Resort. They're Awesome. That's Why People Stroke Them. And Name Them, And Take Pictures With Them. You Guys Aren't Just Firearm Enthusiasts — You're Ammosexuals. And Before You Try And Deny You Have Some Sort Of Unnatural Romantic Relationship With Your Gun, Consider This. You're Taking It Out To Dinner! Because It Completes You. Get A Room.

...what I Love About Ann Coulter Is That She's Sort Of The-she's Sort Of A Version Of Myself In That She Absolutely Never Pulls A Punch. Even When She's Saying Something That I Think Is Outrageous, It's What She Really Believes And She Doesn't Back Off Of It. And That Is What I Find So Refreshing And, Unfortunately, So Unique. I Can't Name Five Other People Who Do That, Who Don't Calculate Before They Speak.

In Washington, The Air Quality Today Was Described As 'red.'...you Know What 'red' Is? It's Bad For Everyone. Not Just Old People, Sick People And Babies. When It's Just Bad For Old People, Sick People And Babies, That's Called A Republican Budget.

Thanks [donald] Trump For Exposing Evangelicals As 'shameless Hypocrites'.

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

I Feel Like I'm Wearing Orthopedic Shoes, Because I Stand Corrected.

It's Going To Be Perry, It's Going To Be Romney...it's Sort Of A Battle For The Soul Of The Republican Party - And They Have No Soul, But The Space Where A Soul Would Be.

I Know Climate Change Is A Hoax – Of Course – But Places That Have Never Seen This Type Of Winter Weather Got Hit By It. More Than A Half A Million Southerners Have Been Left In The Dark --- And Then The Storm Hit.

Americans Are Finally Coming To A Point Where They're Accepting Of Religious Criticism, Is Because George Bush Is The First President Who Really Put Religion So Front-and-center. He's The Most Christ-y President We've Ever Had - And He Is, Not Uncoincidentally, The Biggest Disaster We've Ever Had. I Think Even People Who Are Religious Don't Like It Shoved Down Their Throat. I Think People Kind Of Get It On A Certain Level, That This Is An Antiscience Administration, And We're Living In A Time Where We Can't Afford To Be Antiscience - For Environmental Reasons, For Educational Reasons.

America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

The Other Financial Genius, John Mccain, Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong, And Then Yesterday He Wanted To Fire The Head Of The Sec -- Except You Can't As President Fire The Sec Chairman, It's A Non-governmental Job. Sarah Palin Said Today One More Gaffe From Mccain, And She's Going To Drop Him From The Ticket.

A Flu Shot Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

I Have Two Dogs. If I Had Retarded Children, I'd Be A Hero. And Yet, The Dogs Are Pretty Much The Same Thing.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

Death Is Nature's Way Of Killing You.

I Hear This All The Time: 'obama's Policies Aren't Working.' He Hasn't Been Allowed To Put His Policies Into Place.

I Think Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative. I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

There's A Phrase We Live By In America: "in God We Trust". It's Right There Where Jesus Would Want It: On Our Money.

What I Believe In Is Love Your Neighbor As Yourself And Don't Call Him Stupid Because They Don't Agree With You Politically.

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

If Anybody Is So Mad At Vladimir Putin, You Know What They Could Do? They Could Advocate For A Gas Tax. He Gets All His Leverage From Selling Gas And Oil. If We Had A Gas Tax That Made That Less Palatable, He Would Be Less Of A Player On The World Stage.

Look At The List Of Liberals Who Are Active In Politics, If Not Running. Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Springsteen, Spielberg... And Then You Look At The Conservatives, It's Like Chuck Norris, Bo Derek And The Gatlin Brothers. I Don't Know If Being Liberal Makes You More Right, But It Does Seem Like It Makes You More Talented.

They Told Us To Buy Duct Tape And Portable Radios So That If The World Does End, We Can All Listen To Rush Limbaugh Blame It On Clinton.

I Find It Ironic That Republicans Have Such Disdain For The Lazy, And Yet Their Solution To Every Problem Is Do Nothing. Their Answer To Wealth Inequality, Do Nothing. Health Care? Do Nothing. Climate Change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn’t Exist. For A Group Of People So Head Over Heels In Love With Self-reliance, They Sure Do Recommend A Lot Of Sitting On Their Ass.

Between Trying To Impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, And The Recall In California, I'm Beginning To Think That Republicans Will Do Anything To Win An Election-except Get The Most Votes.

Curious People Are Intersting People, I Wonder Why That Is.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

To Me, Being Brave Is An Element That Is So Important With Stand-up Comedy. It's Not Essential. There Are Many Comics Who Were Just Funny, And That's Fine, Too. But That's Never Been What I Was Trying To Do In Comedy. I Was Always Trying To Do Something That Involved Not Pandering To The Audience.

Last Week John Mccain Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong. This Week, He Said It's The Worst Crisis Since World War Ii. So He Suspended His Campaign, Unless You Count Doing Interviews, Airing Attack Ads, Sending Out Surrogates On Tv To Attack Obama.

Tiger Woods Apologized To The Three Women In America He Never Got Around To Sleeping With.

I Want To See Riots! I Want To See The Kind Of Riots Where Cab Drivers Are Afraid To Pick Up White People! I Want To See This Guy!

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

The Electricity Is Back On In Baghdad. That Is A Very Climactic Moment In Any Country's Liberation, When The Lights Come Back On And You Get A Good Look At What You Looted.

Again, (america Is) A Stupid Country With Stupid People Who Don't Pay Attention.

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

You Know, The Only Place In America Where The Millionaires And Billionaires Are Predominantly Liberal Is Here In Hollywood.

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

The Thing I Don't Understand About Homosexuals Is, How Do They Decide Which One Is The One Who's Supposed To Pretend They Don't Want It?

The Car Bomb Was Fertilizer, Gasoline, Fireworks And Propane Tanks...still Safer Than A Toyota.

Cleavage Is To A Man What Power Is To A Woman.

In The Republican Party, Crazy Is A Constituency.

The Public Is Gullible. ... If [many Satirists Are] Making The Same Joke, That's The Danger. Then There's A Solidifying Effect And It Becomes A Truth.

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

Death Is The Monster We All Fear, Yet With Each Day, We Walk Toward It, And Can't Help Doing So; We Can't Help But Walk Toward The One Thing We're Most Trying To Avoid.

When People Say To Me, 'you Hate America,' I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Am Just Embarrassed That It Has Been Taken Over By People Like Evangelicals, By People Who Do Not Believe In Science And Rationality. It Is The 21st Century. And I Will Tell You, My Friend. The Future Does Not Belong To The Evangelicals. The Future Does Not Belong To Religion.

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

In This Country, A Smart Leader Is Suspect. That's Just The Way It Is. Even George Bush's Father, Who Was A Lot Smarter Than The Son, Had To Sort Of Prove That He Wasn't That Bright.

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

New Rule: President Bush Must Stop Acting Like We're The Idiots. He Gives Speech After Speech, And The Theme Is Always The Same; 'what Part Of Freedom Don't You Get, You Morons?'. I'll Answer That For You Mr. President. The Part Where You Give It To People By Blowing Them Up.

I Never, Ever In My Life Tried To Be Outrageous. I've Only Ever Tried To Say What Was Truly On My Mind And Not Pull Punches About It.

I Always Compare Marriage To Communism. They're Both Institutions That Don't Conform To Human Nature, So You're Going To End Up With Lying And Hypocrisy.

A Lot Of People Say They Are Dyslexic; Some Have To Realize That They Are Just Stupid.

Being Politicians, They All Got To Sharing Their Personal Stories. Obama Talked About His Mother's Battle With Cancer. Harry Reid Talked About A Kid With A Cleft Palate. And John Mccain Told How He Once Carried A Brain Dead Woman Through An Entire Campaign.

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

New Rule: If Churches Don't Have To Pay Taxes, They Also Can't Call The Fire Department When They Catch Fire. Sorry Reverend, That's One Of Those Services That Goes Along With Paying In. I'll Use The Fire Department I Pay For. You Can Pray For Rain.

Osama Bin Laden Put Out A New Video. The Timing Of This Video Has Some People Upset, Three Days Before We Vote. It Looks Like He's Trying To Influence The Election. And I'll Tell You, It's Not Going To Work. Americans Know Osama Bin Laden Does Not Pick Our President. The Supreme Court Does.

If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

The Country Can't Get Well If The People Are Sick. And The People Are Sick.

Today Obama Was Seen Leaving The White House In A Nurse's Uniform On A Flight To Cuba To Smother Castro With A Pillow.

All Across The Middle East In The Streets, People Are Demanding Democracy. It's Amazing. The Only Way In America You Get People To Get Worked Up Like That Is To Threaten To Give Them Health Care.

I Doubt Anything Will Really Come Of This Lawsuit. First Of All, It's A Lawsuit. It Involves A Subpoena. And Try To Find A Republican Who Will Be Willing To Be Seen Serving A Black Man.

When You Look At Belief In Such Things - As Do You Go To Heaven, Is There A Devil - We Have More In Common With (muslin Countries) Turkey And Iran And Syria Than We Do With European Nations And Canada And Nations That, Yes, I Would Consider More Enlightened That Us.

Now, I'm No Doctor, But I Am On Tv. And In My Professional Opinion, George Bush Is A Paranoid Schizophrenic.

If You Want To Get Rich With A Tax Free Enterprise That Sells Nothing, Start A Church.

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