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The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

-Bill Maher

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The Great Thing About

Bill Maher

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The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

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The Dalai Lama Visited The White House And Told The President That He Could Teach Him To Find A Higher State Of Consciousness. Then After Talking To Bush For A Few Minutes, He Said, 'you Know What? Let's Just Grab Lunch.'

What I Have Against Religion Is That They Start You When You Are So Defenseless. I Mean, I Was Three When They Started Pumping This Bullshit Into My Head. I Believed In Santa Claus And The Fairy Godmother, Of Course I Believed In A Virgin Birth, And A Guy Lived In A Whale, And A Woman Came From A Rib. But Then Something Happened That Made Me Doubt All Of It: I Graduated Sixth Grade!

I'm Definitely Good. I'm Not Bad; I'm Extremely Honest, And I Allow No Bullshit To Pass By My Radar. And That Will Always Get Lots Of People Thinking You're A Jerk. But There Are People Who Appreciate Total Honesty And Questioning Of The Conformities In Our Society, And I'm Heroic To Those People. And I Should Be. It's An Indictment Of The Rest Of Society Who Doesn't Get That.

Whatever Good Religion Has Done, It Has Come At A Terrible Price.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's Sister, Endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, Said He's Not A Womanizer. Of Course By Kennedy Standards That Means He Never Drove One Off A Bridge.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

Being Politicians, They All Got To Sharing Their Personal Stories. Obama Talked About His Mother's Battle With Cancer. Harry Reid Talked About A Kid With A Cleft Palate. And John Mccain Told How He Once Carried A Brain Dead Woman Through An Entire Campaign.

I'm Not Defending What Cory Booker Said. I'm Saying I Understand Why He Has To Kiss The Asses Of The Rich People On Wall Street, Because There's No Other Way To Keep His City Afloat.

I Don't Understand Why The Police Are Infallible. They Remind Me A Lot Of The Catholic Church.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

You Can Always Tell When Obama's Negotiations With The Republicans Are Winding Down, Because He's Missing His Watch And His Lunch Money.

If You Think You Have It Tough, Read History Books.

I Think Mitt Romney Is A Symptom. I Think The Problem Is The Republican Party.

If Anti-gay Stuff Is Always Coming Out Of Your Mouth, Something Very Gay Is Probably Going In.

There's More Attention Paid To Entertainers Than Ever And Less That They Have To Say. Not That Entertainers Were Ever A Great Beacon Of Knowledge To Begin With, But At Least When The Beatles Were The Leaders Of The Culture, They Had A Message. It Was Brief; It Wasn't Terribly Complicated. "give Peace A Chance." "all You Need Is Love." But At Least They Were Trying. At Least They Had Grown.

Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."

I'm For The Death Penalty, I'm Pro-abortion, I'm Pro-assisted Suicide, I'm Pro-regular Suicide. Anything That'll Get The Traffic Moving.

I Understand We're On Our Way To Being A Third World Country. Could We Just Stop At 'second World' Before We Get There?

Religion, It Stops People From Thinking Because They Think All The Answers Are In That One Book; It Impedes Progress; It Justifies Crazy People. Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative.

A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, Was Caught Flirting With A Woman Trolling For Dates On Craigslist And Sent Her A Shirtless Photo Of Himself. He Lied About His Age And His Marital Status. He Said He Was 39 And Divorced. He's 46 And Married, Though Being A Republican Congressman, I'm Guessing He's Really 60 And Gay.

Only Cowards Push A Button From Thousands Of Miles Away, Or Tens Of Thousands Of Feet Up, To Kill People Who Can't Possibly Fight Back.

Beating Newt Gingrich In A Popularity Contest Is Like Beating Stephen Hawking In 'dancing With The Stars.'

Americans Are Desperately, Here On The West Coast, Buying Up And Hoarding Iodine Pills... Isn't It Great That In A Land That Is Divided Between Conservative Morons And Liberal Pussies, Somehow We Have Managed To Find A Way To Pull Together And Behave Like Moronic Pussies?

I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

Don't You Miss The Days When America Was Just Morally Bankrupt?

In This Country Your Guilty Until Proven Wealthy.

President Obama Invited John Mccain To The White House To Give His Opinion On Egypt, Specifically What It's Like To Be A Mummy.

Religion Is Insanity By Consensus.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

Selling Pot Allowed Me To Get Through College And Make Enough Money To Start Off In Comedy.

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

When You Want To Make It Clear To The Rest Of The World That You Are Not An Imperialist, The Best Countries To Have With You Are Britain And Spain.

This Ted Cruz Guy, I Mean, He Incurred The Wrath, Really, Of His Own Party. They Don't Like Him. Democrats Hate Him. Independents Hate Him. Republicans Hate Him. Even Miley Cyrus, He's The One Guy She Refuses To Lick.

New Rule: The Rest Of The World Can Go Back To Being Completely Jealous Of America. Our Majority White Country Just Freely Elected A Black President, Something No Other Democracy Has Ever Done. Take That Canada! Where's Your Nubian Warrior President? Your Head Of State Is A Boring White Dude Named Steven Harper, And Mine Is A Kick-ass Black Ninja Named Barack Hussein Obama!

The Democrats Are Very Bad At Selling Their Own Product. The Republicans Are Geniuses At It. And I've Said It Before, A Bad Product Well Apologized For Is Superior In This Country To A Good Product.

I Have Two Dogs. If I Had Retarded Children, I'd Be A Hero. And Yet, The Dogs Are Pretty Much The Same Thing.

Today Obama Was Seen Leaving The White House In A Nurse's Uniform On A Flight To Cuba To Smother Castro With A Pillow.

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

The "power Of One" Is A Slogan--not A Goal.

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

Mitt Romney Was Attacking Obama About Our Failing Education System. He Has A Point. We Are Graduating Millions Of People In This Country Who Are So Lacking In Basic Analytical Skills, They Are Considering Voting For Mitt Romney.

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About.

You Can't Claim You're For Peace If You're Not Willing To Disturb It.

Amazon Has Included Me In An Opportunity To Provide Top-shelf Television-style Programming Live On The World's Computer Screens. To Hold Forth With The Industry's Very Best Actors, Directors, Musicians, Authors - I'm Thrilled To Be On The Cutting Edge Of This.

It's Supposed To Be A Good Thing That He's Got This Dialogue Started. To Me, I Think, I Just Took Away Something Bad From It, Because, Apparently He Had To Do This Not To Convince Them Of Anything. To Educate Them.

You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

I'm Guessing Our Soldiers Are Happy To Be Leaving Iraq. It Is No Fun Being In A Country Where There's Crumbling Infrastructure And An Ignorant Population, But They Said They're Happy To Come Home Anyway.

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

This Country Hates Professors. It Likes Toby Keith - 'i'm Gonna Put A Boot In Their Ass.' If You Don't Do That, Somehow You Can't Be Strong.

It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

And What Is The Republican Solution To These Outrageous [racial] Inequalities? There Isn't One. And That's The Point. Denying Racism Is The New Racism. To Not Acknowledge Those Statistics, To Think Of That As A 'black Problem' And Not An American Problem. To Believe, As A Majority Of Fox Viewers Do, That Reverse-racism Is A Bigger Problem Than Racism, That's Racist.

There's A Phrase We Live By In America: "in God We Trust". It's Right There Where Jesus Would Want It: On Our Money.

The Difference Between A Gop Convention And Comic-con Is That The People At Comic-con Have A Much Firmer Grasp Of Reality.

Whenever The People Are For Gay Marriage Or Medical Marijuana Or Assisted Suicide, Suddenly The 'will Of The People' Goes Out The Window.

When Sex Is Good Theres Nothing Better, When Its Bad Its Not Bad.

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

New Rule: The People Of America Who Were Most In Favor Of The Iraq War Must Now Go There And Fight It.

Saying Someone Is Religious Is Heard In Most Of America As A Compliment, A Reassuring Affirmation That Someone Will Be Moral, Ethical, And After A Few Glasses Of Wine, A Freak In The Bedroom.

I Don't Do Heroin Myself, But It's Done Wonders For My Music Collection.

Stand-up Is Great Because I Can Get Everything Off My Chest.

Guys You Have Way Too Much Invested In Sport. Guys You Are Not The Tenth Man. You're A Machine For Turning Beer Into Piss That's What You Are!

If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

John Kerry Made A Joke About Bush Being A Moron, And Now Bush Wants Morons To Think It Was A Joke Was About The Troops. ... Now, John Kerry Has Apologized. He Said He Made A Botched Joke And Admitted That He Has A Joking Problem. He Has Checked Into An Improv Group And Revealed That As A Child, He Was Molested By A Clown.

If We Go Back To The Beginning, We Shall Find That Ignorance And Fear Created The Gods; That Fancy, Enthusiasm, Or Deceit Adorned Them; That Weakness Worships Them; That Credulity Preserves Them And That Custom, Respect And Tyranny Support Them In Order To Make The Blindness Of Men Serve Their Own Interests. If The Ignorance Of Nature Gave Birth To Gods, The Knowledge Of Nature Is Calculated To Destroy Them.

I Feel Like I'm Wearing Orthopedic Shoes, Because I Stand Corrected.

Have You Ever Met A War You Didn't Love? I’m Asking, Is There Any Place You Don’t Want To Intervene In?

This Is A Powerful Message From Our Government: We Will Not Be Intimidated By Bombs; We Will Not Be Intimidated By Poison; This Is America, If You're A Violent, Paranoid Lunatic, You Must Use A Gun!

Hollywood Isn't Your Cesspool, America. It's Your Mirror.

Rand Paul And Chris Christie Both Said Vaccinations Should Be A Choice, Not A Government Mandate. Because When Have Republicans Ever Told People What They Could Do With Their Own Bodies?

Mccain Was Introduced At The Convention Last Night By His Wife -- I Won't Say 'trophy Wife' -- But She Did $300,000 Worth Of Clothes And Jewelry On, No Matter To The Party Of The Little Guy. But Cindy Mccain Talked About How His Character, Honor And Integrity Made Him The Exact Kind Of Married Man She Was Looking To Pick Up At A Bar.

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans Must Remember That Politicians Are Like A Box Of Chocolates. We Bite Into Them To Find Out What's On The Inside Only To Discover That Democrats Are Too Often Soft And Gooey And Republicans Are Mostly Nuts.

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

Russia Has Banned All Adoptions To Americans. So, If You Were Hoping To Get A Little White Kid With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, You're Going To Have To Wait Until Lindsay Lohan Reproduces.

If You Ignore Every Single Thing Jesus Told You To Do, You Are Just Auditing. You're Not A Christian.

The House Okayed The Gasoline Tax Cut, Which Will Increase The Deficit, Line The Pockets Of The Oil Companies, And Hurt The Environment; Dole Said That If There Was Just Some Way This Could Interfere With People's Sex Lives, It Would Be Perfect Legislation.

Anything Is Depressing If You Dwell On It. The Fact That Religion Could End The World? Yeah, I Guess That Could Be Considered Depressing. But Considering That There's Also A Lot To Laugh At, I Think It's A Good Balance.

Rick Santorum Beat Mitt Romney In Three States On Tuesday. Got A Huge Amount Of Fundraising. That's The Good News For Rick Santorum. The Bad News: People Are Now Googling 'santorum.'

To Even Win A Nomination In This Country, You Have To Say You're A Person Of Great Faith. You Have To Pledge To The People Out There That You Put Your Faith In Things That Are Unable To Be Proven - That You Suspend Critical Thinking As The Way To Go.

When I Hear From People That Religion Doesn't Hurt Anything, I Say Really? Well Besides Wars, The Crusades, The Inquisitions, 9-11, Ethnic Cleansing, The Suppression Of Women, The Suppression Of Homosexuals, Fatwas, Honor Killings, Suicide Bombings, Arranged Marriages To Minors, Human Sacrifice, Burning Witches, And Systematic Sex With Children, I Have A Few Little Quibbles. And I Forgot Blowing Up Girl Schools In Afghanistan.

Obama Is Not A Secret Kenyon, Or A Secret Muslim, He's A Secret Republican.

Thanks [donald] Trump For Exposing Evangelicals As 'shameless Hypocrites'.

We've Created Over 200,000 Jobs Every Month This Year. Hasn't Happened In 17 Years. I Guess My First Question Is, When Do The Republicans Stop Calling It 'obama's Economy'?

Life Is About Making Tough Choices. Sometimes You Have To Go Where Your Career Is Going.

All Marriages Are Same Sex Marriages. You Get Married And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

Emergency Rooms Will Be Used The Way They Were Intended To Be Used: Not For Primary Care, But For When The Average Freaky American Get Some Strange Object Up His Ass.

It's Nine Months Before The Election And Bush's Poll Numbers Have Fallen To The Exact Level That His Father's Poll Numbers Were Nine Months Before He Lost To Bill Clinton. Today Front Runner John Kerry Said He's Not Superstitious, But Just To Be On The Safe Side, He's Going To Start F---ing Everything That Moves.

Unemployment Is Down, Confidence Is Up, Dow 5,000 Above Bush - Or As Republicans Put It, Let's Talk About Gay People And Abortion!

The Republicans Released Their 'pledge To America.' It's 21 Pages Of Phony Charts And Bad Ideas. Sarah Palin Got A Copy, And She Said, 'how Am I Supposed To Fit All This Crap On My Hand?

Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options.

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

'the Lorax,'...it's A Mythical, Woodland Creature, Right, Who's For Saving Trees. He Speaks For The Trees Because No One Else Can. Kind Of The Way Conservatives Speak For Fetuses.

Clinton Left The White House With All The Class Of An Xfl Halftime Show.

It's So Easy To Demagogue The Issue And Make Someone Who Speaks Out Against The Internal-combustion Engine Sound Like An Insane Communist, When The Truth Is That The Internal-combustion Engine Is The Biggest Threat To My Life In The Next 25 Years, In Terms Of What It's Doing To Our Environment And How It's Depleting The Ozone Layer And So Forth.

Dealing W/ Hamas Is Like Dealing W/ A Crazy Woman Who’s Trying To Kill U – U Can Only Hold Her Wrists So Long Before You Have To Slap Her.

People Are Very Narcissistic. It's Not All Their Fault. We Live In A Society Where There Is A Magazine For You, A Channel For You, A Perfume For You.

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

Space Tourism Is God's Way Of Telling You You Aren't Spending Enough On Lap Dances, Baccarat And Cocaine.

New Rule: Tulips Aren't Flowers. They're Some Kind Of Gay Onion.

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

It's A Little Strange When You Have Never Been To War, And You Eye-roll About A Guy Who's Got Shrapnel Still In His Body, As Chuck Hagel Does.

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

Heroin May Be Bad, But It Sure As Hell Hasn't Hurt My Cd Collection.

Officials Believe That One Of The Terrorists Was A Woman. And There Are Female Suicide Bombers. It's Just That Their Reward In Paradise Is A Little Different. Instead Of Getting 72 Virgins, They Get 72 Guys Who Just Listen.

Lip-synching?! Let That Be A Lesson. If You Are In Washington, D.c., And You Open Your Mouth And Another Voice Comes Out, It Better Be The Nra, An Oil Company Or A Bank.

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

Whoever Needs The Relationship Less Has All The Power.

The Only Way For Mankind To Survive Is For Religion To Die.

New Rule: You're Never Going To Pick Up Women At A Coffee Shop Pretending To Be Working On Your Laptop. You Don't Look Like You're Sensitive, You Look Like You're Homeless.the Last Guy To Pick Up A Chick With An Apple Was Adam. And When You Sit Across From Another Dateless Loser With A Laptop, It Still Doesn't Look Like You're Working--it Looks Like You're Playing Battleship.

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

I'm Not A Joiner. I Don't Like Organizations.

The President Is Not Doing Well With African Americans. His Popularity Rating - His Approval Rating - With Blacks: Two Percent. Two Percent. That Is Somewhere Between Mark Fuhrman And Sickle Cell Anemia.

Approval Rating

African American Congressman Bobby Rush Wore A Hoodie On The Floor Of Congress To Make A Point This Week. And They Threw Him Out. They Said A Hoodie Is Too Scary For Congress. Too Scary? Have You Ever Looked Into Michele Bachmann's Eyes?

African American

We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

Remember, Guns Don't Kill People - Unless You Practice Real Hard.

Ninety Percent Of People Support Background Checks. Which Means Even People Who Can't Pass A Background Check Support Background Checks.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

You're Not A Patriot Unless Even When You Lose, It's Still Your Country.

Little Do Women Know What Big Ideas I Have In My Pants.

People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

Faith Means The Purposeful Suspension Of Critical Thinking. It’s Nothing To Be Admired.

If You Can Look At A Crime Where Everything Points To One Answer And Not See It, You're A Dumb-ass. And If You Can Look At The Deficit And Not See That The Problem Is That The Rich Stopped Paying Taxes, You're A Republican.

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

What Kind Of Tyrant Punishes Everyone Just To Get Back At The Few He's Mad At? I Mean, Besides Chris Christie.

The President Boasted At The Top Of His Press Conference That We Have The Support Now Of Britain And Spain For Our Attack On Iraq. You Know, When You Want To Make It Perfectly Clear To The World That You're Not An Imperialist, The People You Want In Your Corner Are Britain And Spain.

I'm Against Suing Tobacco Companies. I Think Abstinence Is A Perversion. I Think Bush's Lies Are Worse Than Clinton's. I Think Vegas Was Better When It Was Run By The Mob. I Think Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options. I Think Stereotypes Are True And Rehab Is For Quitters.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

Love Does Not Conquer All.

The Teachers Don't Know Anything. What Are The Kids Going To Learn With A Horrible Education System?

New Rule: If You Still Think Obama Is A Muslim, You Just Might Be A Redneck. A Christian Church In South Carolina Has A Sign Out Front That Says 'obama... Osama... Hmmm... Are They Brothers?' No, They're Not Brothers. In Fact, They're Not Even Related, Which Is More Than I Can Say For The Married Couples In Your Church.

The Tea Baggers, They're Not A Movement, They're A Cult.... Cults Tend To Populate From Within, Encouraging Members To Have Huge Broods Of Children And To Give Them Strange Names, Like Moonbeam, And Trig.

Please Stop Assuming That Longevity And Perfect Health Is Always The Correct Option. No. Sometimes Fun Costs Ya. It Just Does, You Know? And That's Ok, You're Willing To Make That Purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. Was 64 When He Died. Give Me 64 Sammy-years, I'll Be Happy.

That's America For You - A Red Herring Culture, Always Scared Of The Wrong Things. The Fact Is, There Are A Lot Of Creepy Middle-aged Men Out There Lusting For Your Kids. They Work For Mtv, The Pharmaceutical Industry, Mcdonald's, Marlboro And K Street.

I'm Okay With It Now That Obama’s In Office. I'm Kind Of Trusting Of Him. But President Ted Cruz? Where This Is Going Would Bother Me.

Let's Face It; God Has A Big Ego Problem. Why Do We Always Have To Worship Him?

The Tea Baggers. The One Thing They Hate Is When You Call Them Racist. The Other Thing They Hate Is Black People. But They Won't Say It.

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But Obama Looks Like He Does Need A Teleprompter.

If I Thought The Lord Was Speaking To Me I'd Check Myself Into Bellevue, And I Think You Should Too.

I'm Not Into Western Medicine. That To Me Is A Complete Scare Tactic.

Trusting The Government To Monitor Your Calls Without Listening. It's Kind Of Like Trusting Chris Christie To Pick Up The Mcdonald's And Not Eat The Fries On The Way Home.

Maybe Every Other American Movie Shouldn't Be Based On A Comic Book. Other Countries Will Think Americans Live In An Infantile Fantasy Land Where Reality Is Whatever We Say It Is And Every Problem Can Be Solved With Violence.

We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.

You Talk About 'obama Is Going To Herd Us Into Fema Brainwashing Camps.' Maybe Your Brain Needs A Little Washing.

It's Understandable Why A Minority That Was Treated As Badly As Blacks In This Country Have Been For So Long Would, When They Finally Found Themselves On Top, Brag About It And Want To Shout From The Rooftops.

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

I Was Watching Ashlee Simpson On Jay's Show Last Night... She Was Really Singing, And I Was Saying, 'bring Back The Lip Synch'... And It Struck Me That Ashlee Simpson Is A Lot Like George Bush - Because She Wouldn't Even Really Be In The Big Leagues If It Wasn't For Family Connections, And She's In Way Over Her Head. And She Doesn't Know What To Do. And She Blamed Her Band.

Donald Trump Got The Power Of The Government Behind Him Now. He Didn't Have That Before When He Was Just A Clown. The Republican Party Is Still With Him. Including Those State Legislatures. Gerrymandering. He Has Basically Pravda In Fox News, In Breitbart, In Drudge.

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

I Get The Playboy Thing A Lot. People Assume I Go Out With Bimbos. I Couldn`t Go Out With Bimbos If I Tried! I Scare Them Off! The Women That Like Me Are Smart. So I Go To The Playboy Mansion Four Or Five Times A Year, But People Think I Go All The Time.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

They Say That Japan's Rigorous Building Codes And Regulations Saved Thousands Of Lives Over There. Or, As Republicans Here Saw It, It 'fostered A Socialist, Anti-business Environment That's Worse Than Being Dead.'

New Polls Show That Obama Is Now Pulling Away From Mitt Romney. And, Of Course, What Could Be More Natural Than To See Mitt Romney And Pull Away?

Being A Conservative Also Used To Involve The Concept Of People Being Free To Do Whatever They Want To Do, As Long As It Doesn't Hurt Somebody Else. Conservatives Used To Be Very Libertarian.

In New York, Catholic Groups Have Forced An Art Gallery To Shut Down An Exhibition Of A Six-foot Image Of Jesus In Chocolate. So, The Archbishop Of New York Was Very Upset. He Said, 'it Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.'

Rick Santorum Has Come Out Against Contraception And Against College. He Wants Us Literally To Be F**king Stupid.

The Public Is Gullible. ... If [many Satirists Are] Making The Same Joke, That's The Danger. Then There's A Solidifying Effect And It Becomes A Truth.

Sometimes I'm Dragging My Ass Out To The Airport At 8 A.m. On A Saturday And I'm Wondering Why I'm Doing This, But Once I Walk On Stage I Know Why...because I'm Addicted.

Let's Be Honest, Half The Marriages End In Divorce. For Me, It's Never Made Much Sense. I Have A Girlfriend And I'm Not Interested In Anyone Else, But I Still Wouldn't Want To Bring The Federal And State Government Into My Life.

The Republican Party Is Like The Corpse In 'weekend At Bernies' And The Tea Party Is Like The Two Guys Who Put Sunglasses And A Party Hat On It And Drag It Around.

There Are Two Things That You Have To Lie To Get Through. One Is Politics, And The Other Is Marriage.

Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

Did You See The 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The Last Time The Republicans Had That Many Black People On A Stage, They Were Selling Them!

The Only Thing I Hate Worse Than Prophecy Is Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Americans Are Used To Being Pandered To And Spoon-fed Everything. In A Culture That Needs Caffeine-free Cherry Chocolate Diet Coke, You'd Best Deliver Information With Entertainment.

Anyone Who Tells You That They Know, They Just Know What Happens When You Die, I Promise You, You Dont. How Can I Be So Sure? Because I Dont Know And You Do Not Possess Mental Powers That I Do Not.

Don't Wear Bacon Cologne. If You Put On...you Know What? Screw It. Wear It. If You Are The Type Of Guy Who Is Tempted To Wear Bacon Cologne, It's Not Like You Could Get Laid Any Less.

To Those People Who Say, 'my Father Is Alive Because Of Animal Experimentation,' I Say, 'yeah, Well, Good For You. This Dog Died So Your Father Could Live.' Sorry, But I Am Just Not Behind That Kind Of Trade-off.

Sarah Palin Finally Heard What Happened In Japan And She's Demanding That We Invade 'tsunami.'

The President Finally Explained Why He Sat In That Classroom On 9/11 For 7 Minutes After He Was Told The Country Was Under Attack. He Said He Was 'collecting His Thoughts.' What A Time To Start A New Hobby.'

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

Why Is Monotheistic Faith Better Than Polytheistic? I Mean, Either You Believe - If You Believe In, Like, A Magic Person Who Can Do Magic Things, Why Is It Different - So Different If It's Superman Or The Fantastic Four?

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight.

What Is "martinizing" And Why Does It Only Take One Hour?

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm A Birth Survivor.

If The Hamas People Had The Opportunity, They Would Kill The Maximum Number Of Israelis, Which Would Be All. And, Israel Has The Opportunity To Kill Way More, And They Do Not.

I Doubt Anything Will Really Come Of This Lawsuit. First Of All, It's A Lawsuit. It Involves A Subpoena. And Try To Find A Republican Who Will Be Willing To Be Seen Serving A Black Man.

You Know, If You're An American And You're Born At This Time In History Especially, You're Lucky. We All Are. We Won The World History Powerball Lottery...

What Is With This Campy Fixation On All Things Ronald Reagan? They Talk About Him The Way Gay People Talk About Barbra Streisand. I Think They Want Him On A Stamp So They Can Lick His Ass. I Think They Wanted To Name Airports After Him So They Can Say, "i'm Coming Into Reagan!"

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

We Are A Nation That Is Unenlightened Because Of Religion. I Do Believe That. I Think That Religion Stops People From Thinking. I Think It Justifies Crazies.

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

You Can't Lie To Kids About Drugs. They Know About Drugs. You Can't Say They're Just All Bad. They Know Life Is A Little More Complicated. I Have Never Done Heroin. I Would Never Recommend Heroin, But It Hasn't Hurt My Record Collection.

Osama Bin Laden Put Out A New Video. The Timing Of This Video Has Some People Upset, Three Days Before We Vote. It Looks Like He's Trying To Influence The Election. And I'll Tell You, It's Not Going To Work. Americans Know Osama Bin Laden Does Not Pick Our President. The Supreme Court Does.

The [libyan] Rebels This Week Kind Of Hinted To The United States That They Could Use A Little Help. Right. Like, America Would Just Blunder Around The Middle East Killing People Without All The Facts. That Doesn't Sound Like The America I Know.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

Americans Are Finally Coming To A Point Where They're Accepting Of Religious Criticism, Is Because George Bush Is The First President Who Really Put Religion So Front-and-center. He's The Most Christ-y President We've Ever Had - And He Is, Not Uncoincidentally, The Biggest Disaster We've Ever Had. I Think Even People Who Are Religious Don't Like It Shoved Down Their Throat. I Think People Kind Of Get It On A Certain Level, That This Is An Antiscience Administration, And We're Living In A Time Where We Can't Afford To Be Antiscience - For Environmental Reasons, For Educational Reasons.

More Astronauts Have Been To The Moon Than Farmers Who Paid The Inheritance Tax In 2013.

Now That They've Finished Reading The Constitution Out Loud, The Teabaggers Must Call Out That Group Of Elitist Liberals Whose Values Are So Antithetical To Theirs. I'm Talking Of Course About The Founding Fathers, Who The Teabaggers Believe Are Just Like Them, But Aren't. One Is A Group Of Exclusively White Men Who Live In A Bygone Century, Have Bad Teeth, And Think Of Blacks As 3/5 Of A Person, And The Other Are The Founding Fathers.

Trump Is A Little Tone-deaf To The Average American. He Unveiled His Slogan This Week: 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Wives Ago?'

F. Scott Fitzgerald Has An Indespensible Quote: 'the Test Of A First-rate Intelligence Is The Ability To Hold Two Opposed Ideas In The Mind At Once And Still Retain The Ability To Function'. Or, As I Like To Call It, 'o.j. Killed His Wife, And The Police Are Corrupt.'

Obama Has Had More Fundraisers Than The Last Six Presidents Combined. And He's Still Losing In The Money Race!

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

Marvel Comics Announced That The Next Captain America Will Be Black. He Has The Same Powers As White Captain America, Except He Has To Show I.d. When He Votes.

New Rule: Since Our New National Position On Science Is, "screw It, We Prefer Witchcraft," Let's Not Just Retire The Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's Drive It To One Of The Five Stupidest States And Have The Locals Beat It With Sticks. Putting It In A Museum Is Too Dangerous. Someone Could Steal It, Fly It Into Space And Notice We Revolve Around The Sun.

Glenn Beck Retired Or Got Fired...and A Lot Of People Are Asking Who Will Now Speak For The Raving Lunatics Who Startle You Outside Of A Parking Garage?

Why Is Mitt Romney Not Bragging: 'i Covered All These People'? Why Can't The Democrats Sell The Idea, We're Trying To Make You Well? Is That Such A Hard Sale?

[the Republicans] Are Always Asking The Muslims To Denounce Their Extremists. And I Agree With Them. But They Don't Take That Note And Do It Among Their Own. They Don't Denounce Their Own Extremists.

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