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I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

-Bill Maher

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I Always Wanted To

Bill Maher

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I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

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Making Mistakes

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You Would Think There Is A Higher Bar Than Having A Facebook Page To Run For President.

March Madnesss...the Only Place Where You Hear 'kansas Is Advancing.'

You Talk About 'obama Is Going To Herd Us Into Fema Brainwashing Camps.' Maybe Your Brain Needs A Little Washing.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

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This Party Is Just Full Of Children, And Someone Needs To Leave Them In A Hot Car.

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What Is Kanye West's Message? Like Most Rap, "i Am The Greatest Person Ever And You're Not." I Used To Call It Affirmative Action For The Ego.

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Space Tourism Is God's Way Of Telling You You Aren't Spending Enough On Lap Dances, Baccarat And Cocaine.

Religions Are Maintained By People. People Who Can't Get Laid, Because Sex Is The First Great Earthly Pleasure. But If You Can't Get That, Power Is A Pretty Good Second One. And That's What Religion Gives To People. Power. Power Is Sex For People Who Can't Get Or Don't Want Or Aren't Any Good At Sex Itself.

...what I Love About Ann Coulter Is That She's Sort Of The-she's Sort Of A Version Of Myself In That She Absolutely Never Pulls A Punch. Even When She's Saying Something That I Think Is Outrageous, It's What She Really Believes And She Doesn't Back Off Of It. And That Is What I Find So Refreshing And, Unfortunately, So Unique. I Can't Name Five Other People Who Do That, Who Don't Calculate Before They Speak.

If We Stopped Calling It Profiling And Started Calling It "proactive Intelligence Screening" Or "high Alert Detecting", People Would Be Saying "well, It's About Time".

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

When You Want To Make It Clear To The Rest Of The World That You Are Not An Imperialist, The Best Countries To Have With You Are Britain And Spain.

I Think Girls Hate Each Other, No Doesn't Always Mean No, You Have To Lie To Stay Married, Women's Sports Are Boring And The Olympics Are Gay.

It's Not Getting Any Better For The American People. It Seems To Be Getting Worse. That's Predictable; Education Is A Cycle. Stupidity Breeds More Stupidity.

Emergency Rooms Will Be Used The Way They Were Intended To Be Used: Not For Primary Care, But For When The Average Freaky American Get Some Strange Object Up His Ass.

Again, (america Is) A Stupid Country With Stupid People Who Don't Pay Attention.

To Most Christians, The Bible Is Like A Software License. Nobody Actually Reads It. They Just Scroll To The Bottom And Click 'i Agree'.

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

It's Supposed To Be A Good Thing That He's Got This Dialogue Started. To Me, I Think, I Just Took Away Something Bad From It, Because, Apparently He Had To Do This Not To Convince Them Of Anything. To Educate Them.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

Bush The Younger Has Two Things Going For Him That His Father Never Had. One: An Easy Charm With Regular People And Two: The Power To Make Them Disappear Without A Trial.

What Is With This Campy Fixation On All Things Ronald Reagan? They Talk About Him The Way Gay People Talk About Barbra Streisand. I Think They Want Him On A Stamp So They Can Lick His Ass. I Think They Wanted To Name Airports After Him So They Can Say, "i'm Coming Into Reagan!"

Guys You Have Way Too Much Invested In Sport. Guys You Are Not The Tenth Man. You're A Machine For Turning Beer Into Piss That's What You Are!

Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

Why Can't God Just Defeat The Devil And Get Rid Of Evil? It's The Same Reason The Comic Book Character Can't Get Rid Of His Nemesis; Then There's No Story.

If I Thought The Lord Was Speaking To Me I'd Check Myself Into Bellevue, And I Think You Should Too.

I'm Staying In A Strange Hotel. I Called Room Service For A Sandwich And They Sent Up Two Hookers.

Which Is Why I'd Like To Tip Off Law Enforcement To An Even Larger Child-abusing Religious Cult. Its Leader Also Has A Compound, And This Guy Not Only Operates Outside The Bounds Of The Law, But He Used To Be A Nazi And He Wears Funny Hats. That's Right, The Pope Is Coming To America This Week And Ladies, He's Single!

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

You Can't Get Saved If You Don't Play.

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