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They Are Having A Panel Look Into The Intelligence Failures In Iraq. It Is A Seven-person Panel And It Will Include Senator John Mccain, But The Findings From This Panel Will Not Be Issued Until After The Election. President Bush Says The Commission Can Go Off And Report Back In A Year, You Know, The Same Way It Works In The Texas National Guard.

-Bill Maher

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They Are Having A

Bill Maher

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They Are Having A Panel Look Into The Intelligence Failures In Iraq. It Is A Seven-person Panel And It Will Include Senator John Mccain, But The Findings From This Panel Will Not Be Issued Until After The Election. President Bush Says The Commission Can Go Off And Report Back In A Year, You Know, The Same Way It Works In The Texas National Guard.

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The Idea That I Hear From The Right Wing In The Last Few Decades, Is That Any Sort Of Sacrifice Is An Affront To My Liberty As An American To Be A Pig The Way I Want To.

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I Want You Teabaggers Out There To Understand One Thing: While You Idolize The Founding Fathers And Dress Up Like Them, And Smell Like Them, I Think It's Pretty Clear That The Founding Fathers Would Have Hated Your Guts. And What's More, You Would've Hated Them. They Were Everything You Despise. They Studied Science, Read Plato, Hung Out In Paris And Thought The Bible Was Mostly Bulls**t.

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The Idea That Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus Is A Bunch Of Bullshit. Treat Her Like You Would A Friend, And You'll Wind Up With A Lover.

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In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

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I Don't Know Anyone Less Jesus Like Than Christians.

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To Paraphrase The Great Will Rogers, El Rusho Never Met A Pharmacist He Did Not Like.

New Rule: Tulips Aren't Flowers. They're Some Kind Of Gay Onion.

Remember, Guns Don't Kill People - Unless You Practice Real Hard.

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

When You Want To Make It Clear To The Rest Of The World That You Are Not An Imperialist, The Best Countries To Have With You Are Britain And Spain.

To Me A Real Patriot Is Like A Real Friend. Who's Your Real Friend? It's The Person Who Tells You The Truth. That's Who My Real Friends Are. So, You Know, I Think As Far As Our Country Goes, We Need More People Who Will Do That.

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The Plain Fact Is: Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live.

It's Going To Be Perry, It's Going To Be Romney...it's Sort Of A Battle For The Soul Of The Republican Party - And They Have No Soul, But The Space Where A Soul Would Be.

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

Wichita Falls, Texas Is Considering Using Toilet Water For Drinking. And A Dog There Today Said, 'white People's Problems.'

Religion Is Insanity By Consensus.

New Rule: If Churches Don't Have To Pay Taxes, They Also Can't Call The Fire Department When They Catch Fire. Sorry Reverend, That's One Of Those Services That Goes Along With Paying In. I'll Use The Fire Department I Pay For. You Can Pray For Rain.

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Unless You Put A Condom On It! You Realize That The Job Of A Hot Dog Is To Use Parts Of The Animal That The Chinese Can't Figure Out How To Make Into A Belt?

In No Way Was I Intending To Say, Nor Have I Ever Thought, That The Men And Women Who Defend Our Nation In Uniform Are Anything But Courageous And Valiant, And I Offer My Apologies To Anyone Who Took It Wrong.

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

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New Polls Show That Obama Is Now Pulling Away From Mitt Romney. And, Of Course, What Could Be More Natural Than To See Mitt Romney And Pull Away?

London. Another Terrorist Attack And Isis Claimed Credit. I Am Surprised Because I Thought We Had Wiped Out Isis On Day One As Donald Trump Said.

To Those People Who Say, 'my Father Is Alive Because Of Animal Experimentation,' I Say, 'yeah, Well, Good For You. This Dog Died So Your Father Could Live.' Sorry, But I Am Just Not Behind That Kind Of Trade-off.

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A New Cologne Is Coming Out. It's For Cowboys, And It's Made From Cow's Manure. That Way The Women Will Be On You Like Flies!

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The Senate Decided They Will Be Smoke-free. They Ordained That All Public Areas In The Senate Are Now Smoke-free. However, The Senators Themselves Will Still Be Allowed To Blow Smoke Up Each Other's Asses.

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

Fame Has Sent A Number Of Celebrities Off The Deep End, And In The Case Of Michael Jackson, To The Kiddy Pool.

People Say To Me All The Time, "i Get My News From Your Show." And That Isn't The Way They Should Get Their News. But The Choice Is Not Between Getting Their News The Right Way And Getting Their News From My Show. The Choice Is That They Won't Get Any At All Unless You Give It To Them In An Entertaining Package.

Love Does Not Conquer All.

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

Why Is Mitt Romney Not Bragging: 'i Covered All These People'? Why Can't The Democrats Sell The Idea, We're Trying To Make You Well? Is That Such A Hard Sale?

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum Spent Their Week Lecturing America About The Morality Of Birth Control. You Know, You Guys Don't Need Birth Control, You Are Birth Control.

Every Time Somebody Says 'islamophobia' It Gives The People Who Are Intimidating Cover.

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

Religion, To Me, Is A Bureaucracy Between Man And God That I Don't Need.

What We Don't Know Is About Jeb Bush And Cocaine. But We Do Know That He Did Once Had His Brother Florida On A Silver Platter.

One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

You Know What Happens When Windmills Collapse Into The Sea? A Splash.

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

Oh, America! I Could Never Leave You! You're Like My Dog, Dumb As A Post But You Make Me Laugh!

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

Every Election, Roughly Half The Population Votes Democrat And The Other Half Votes Republican. Now, I Understand Why The Republicans Get One Percent Of The Vote - The Richest One Percent.that Other Percent, Someone Will Have To Explain To Me.

I Was Out At The Hbo Party, These Are Liberals, I Imagine, And A Lot Of People Came Up To Me And Said, "keep Giving It To The President."

The Shame Would Be If Democrats Get Thrown Out Of Office Without Ever Having Tried Democratic Policies.

The Food Is Out Of This World!

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

Curious People Are Intersting People, I Wonder Why That Is.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

Republicans Are Obsessed With Abortion...if They Really Wanted To Protect The Weakest, Most Helpless People, Wouldn't They Protect The Democrats?

The Republican Party Is Like The Corpse In 'weekend At Bernies' And The Tea Party Is Like The Two Guys Who Put Sunglasses And A Party Hat On It And Drag It Around.

Just Because Your Tattoo Has Chinese Characters In It Doesn't Make You Spiritual. It's Right Above The Crack Of Your Ass, And It Translate To Beef With Broccoli. The Last Time You Did Anything Spiritual, You Were Praying To God You Weren't Pregnant. You're Not Spiritual. You're Just High.

You Can't Deny That Religion Has Done Some Good. It Organizes Lots Of Anti-poverty Programs And Soup Kitchens And Missionary Work. But I Would Say That, First Of All, All Those Things Can Be Accomplished Without Religion. You Can Be Ethical, Somebody Who Does The Right Thing Without Feeling That He Has To In Order To Get His Ass Saved In The Next Life.

You Are What You Do. It's About Actions.

Donald Rumsfeld Also Lost His Gig Last Week. When Asked What His Future Plans Are, Rumsfeld Said, 'what's A Plan?'

I Never Hear Terrorists Say 'merry Christmas,' Only 'allahu Akbar'.

Merry Christmas

Why Did Mitt Romney Strap His Dog To The Roof Of His Car? Could It Be Because His Station Wagon Was Full Of Wives?

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

The First Amendment Was Specifically Designed For Citizens To Insult Politicians. Libel Laws Were Written To Protect Law Students Speaking Out On Political Issues From Getting Called Whores By Oxycontin Addicts.

A Flu Shot Just Compromises Your Immune System.

I Don't Dislike Children, I Just Don't Particularly Want To Be Around With Them A Lot. Problem Is, Neither Do Their Parents.

I Get The Playboy Thing A Lot. People Assume I Go Out With Bimbos. I Couldn`t Go Out With Bimbos If I Tried! I Scare Them Off! The Women That Like Me Are Smart. So I Go To The Playboy Mansion Four Or Five Times A Year, But People Think I Go All The Time.

Time Magazine Put Chris Christie On The Cover With The Caption, 'the Elephant In The Room.' And People Magazine Named Him 'sexiest Garbage Truck In A Suit.'

I Never, Ever In My Life Tried To Be Outrageous. I've Only Ever Tried To Say What Was Truly On My Mind And Not Pull Punches About It.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

Religions Are Maintained By People. People Who Can't Get Laid, Because Sex Is The First Great Earthly Pleasure. But If You Can't Get That, Power Is A Pretty Good Second One. And That's What Religion Gives To People. Power. Power Is Sex For People Who Can't Get Or Don't Want Or Aren't Any Good At Sex Itself.

My Thinking Is, Government Is Really There To Do The Things That People Absolutely Can't Do For Themselves. And That's Mostly Involved With The Things That Might Kill You. And What Might Kill Me? The Environment And Terrorism.

You Can't Claim You're For Peace If You're Not Willing To Disturb It.

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

There Are Two Things That You Have To Lie To Get Through. One Is Politics, And The Other Is Marriage.

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Philip James Bailey

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