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I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

-Bill Maher

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I Didn't Really Think

Bill Maher

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I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

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Glenn Beck Retired Or Got Fired...and A Lot Of People Are Asking Who Will Now Speak For The Raving Lunatics Who Startle You Outside Of A Parking Garage?

The New York Times - But The Whole Country Gives It That Weight. It's Like The Asian Kid In Math Class. Everybody In The Media Cheats Off The New York Times.

If We Stopped Calling It Profiling And Started Calling It "proactive Intelligence Screening" Or "high Alert Detecting", People Would Be Saying "well, It's About Time".

We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.

I'm Not A Joiner. I Don't Like Organizations.

If The Hamas People Had The Opportunity, They Would Kill The Maximum Number Of Israelis, Which Would Be All. And, Israel Has The Opportunity To Kill Way More, And They Do Not.

People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

Sarah Palin Said Perhaps The Most Irresponsible Thing I've Ever Heard Any Politician Say. She Said, 'the Only Thing That Stops A Bad Guy With A Nuke Is A Good Guy With A Nuke.' You Think She Realizes That Nuking Russia Might Not Be Good For Someone Who Can See Russia From Her House?

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

Old Testament, Is Really One Of The Most Wickedest Books You'll Ever Come Across. God Is An Insecure, Rage-filled Hybrid Of Bobby Knight And Suge Knight. He's Got These Anger Issues That You Can't Believe. He's Like John Mccain If Mccain Could Fart Hail. He's Pro-slavery, He's Pro-polygamy, He's Homophobic, He'll Kill You For Masturbating.

The Difference Between A Hockey Mom And A Pit Bull: At Some Point, A Pit Bull Does Stop Whining.

New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

Well, The American Public Always Wanted To Vote For A Guy And Bush Was The Perfect Guy Who They'd Want To Have Over For Pot-roast. And George Bush Is That Guy. He Does That Well. You'd Like To Have Him Over For Pot-roast. He Reminds You Of Yourself. Okay. Well, Now He's Been Over, He's Had The Pot-roast. But He's Getting Drunk And Now He's Talking About Stem Cells And Terri Schiavo And Gay Marriage. And Now He's The Guest That Won't Leave.

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

Donald Rumsfeld Also Lost His Gig Last Week. When Asked What His Future Plans Are, Rumsfeld Said, 'what's A Plan?'

In America, If A Democrat Even Thinks You're Calling Him Liberal He Grabs An Orange Vest And A Rifle And Heads Into The Woods To Kill Something.

The Hollywood Executives Are, Like, ‘we’re Not Racist, We Just Have To Pretend To Be Racists Because We’re Capitalists. We Want To Sell Our Movies In China (and) They Don’t Like Kevin Hart.’

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

My Father Was A News Guy, You Know, He Was In Radio News. And So That Was Sort Of In My Dna. It Was Something We Talked About At The Dinner Table When I Was A Kid.

If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

What Does It Take For Republicans To Take Off The Flag Pin And Say, 'i Am Just Too Embarrassed To Be On This Team'?

I Don't Want My President To Be A Tv Star. You Don't Have To Be On Television Every Minute Of Every Day - You're The President, Not A Rerun Of 'law & Order'. Tv Stars Are Too Worried Bout Being Popular And Too Concerned About Being Renewed.

Why Did Mitt Romney Strap His Dog To The Roof Of His Car? Could It Be Because His Station Wagon Was Full Of Wives?

When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

If The Nra Keeps Messing With The President's Daughters, They're Going To Have To Start Worrying About Michelle Obama's Guns.

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

I Believe Only Foreigners Should Run For President...face It, The Presidency Is A Lousy Job. And Who Does Lousy Jobs We Don't Want Anymore Better Than Foreigners?

Last Week John Mccain Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong. This Week, He Said It's The Worst Crisis Since World War Ii. So He Suspended His Campaign, Unless You Count Doing Interviews, Airing Attack Ads, Sending Out Surrogates On Tv To Attack Obama.

Sarah Palin Has Strong Opinions On The Libyans. She Said, 'marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman And Libyans Like Rachel Maddow Are What's Ruining This Country.'

God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."

Have You Ever Met A War You Didn't Love? I’m Asking, Is There Any Place You Don’t Want To Intervene In?

How Come Regional Pandering Only Works In One Direction, Right? You Never See A Southern Politician Trying To Win Votes In New York State By Saying, 'i Read Books And Make A Mean Vegan Meatloaf.'

Trump Is A Little Tone-deaf To The Average American. He Unveiled His Slogan This Week: 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Wives Ago?'

The Jury Could Get The Case As Early As Next Week, But The Defense Says They Just Want To Introduce One Last-minute Load Of Crap.

Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo This Week And He Was Bitten By A Penguin. Newt Gingrich Is Always Campaigning At Zoos. Mitt Romney Once Did A Photo Op At A Zoo. That Was A Big Mistake, Because He Stood Next To The Chameleon, And He Changed Colors.

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