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The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

-Bill Maher

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The Comedy Gods Are

Bill Maher

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The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

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One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

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A Flu Shot Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

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A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, Was Caught Flirting With A Woman Trolling For Dates On Craigslist And Sent Her A Shirtless Photo Of Himself. He Lied About His Age And His Marital Status. He Said He Was 39 And Divorced. He's 46 And Married, Though Being A Republican Congressman, I'm Guessing He's Really 60 And Gay.

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

Sarah Palin Has Strong Opinions On The Libyans. She Said, 'marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman And Libyans Like Rachel Maddow Are What's Ruining This Country.'

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

When You Get People Who Are Out Of Office, Suddenly Their Tongues Loosen Up And Suddenly They Say The Things That You Wish They'd Said Or Did When They Were In Office.

I Love Jesus. I Just Don't Like The Christians Who Don't Believe In What He Says.

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You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

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The Founding Fathers Were More Deists. If You Had To Categorize Them As Anything. There Was Some Sort Of Moving Prime Force. But It's An Impersonal Force. Some People Call It Nature. Certainly Not This Personal God Who You Have A Personal Relationship With, Who Listens To Your Prayers And Answers Them, Or Doesn't. You Know, Not The Silly Stuff That Most Americans Believe Because We're Such A Dumb Nation.

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Scientists Say An 8.9 Earthquake Here Could Knock Down Buildings, Flood Coastal Areas... And Improve The Roads.

I Would Wager That The Number Of Civilians That Were Killed [in] A Typical Week Under Saddam Hussein Was Probably More Than We Killed During The Weeks We Were At War There.

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

Republicans Are Obsessed With Abortion...if They Really Wanted To Protect The Weakest, Most Helpless People, Wouldn't They Protect The Democrats?

New Rule: You're Never Going To Pick Up Women At A Coffee Shop Pretending To Be Working On Your Laptop. You Don't Look Like You're Sensitive, You Look Like You're Homeless.the Last Guy To Pick Up A Chick With An Apple Was Adam. And When You Sit Across From Another Dateless Loser With A Laptop, It Still Doesn't Look Like You're Working--it Looks Like You're Playing Battleship.

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The Only Way For Mankind To Survive Is For Religion To Die.

The Only Silver Lining I Can Find Is That British Accents Aren't Sexy Anymore.

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Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

I Think Mitt Romney Is A Symptom. I Think The Problem Is The Republican Party.

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Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

There's More Than One Mosque In The World That Used To Be A Church And Before That Was A Temple. Because It's A Lot Easier To Just Change The Sign On The Top And Say Under New Management Than It Is To Change The Whole Building.

Eunice Kennedy Shriver, President Kennedy's Sister, Endorsed Arnold Schwarzenegger, Said He's Not A Womanizer. Of Course By Kennedy Standards That Means He Never Drove One Off A Bridge.

I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

Last Week, I Suggested The Candidates Take Up Mushrooms. I'll Be Damned If Rick Perry Didn't Take Me Up On That.

Greed Can Overtake Smart.

I Never Hear Terrorists Say 'merry Christmas,' Only 'allahu Akbar'.

Merry Christmas

Curious People Are Intersting People, I Wonder Why That Is.

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March Madnesss...the Only Place Where You Hear 'kansas Is Advancing.'

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Lip-synching?! Let That Be A Lesson. If You Are In Washington, D.c., And You Open Your Mouth And Another Voice Comes Out, It Better Be The Nra, An Oil Company Or A Bank.

Like It Or Not, We're Still A Primitive Tribe Ruled By Fears, Superstition And Misinformation.

If You're Living Hand-to-mouth, And Still Buying Into The Con That The Big Threats To America Are Socialized Medicine, Mexican Immigrants And Tax Increases, Then You're Not Being Kept Down By The Rich. You're Being Kept Down By You.

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

I'll Clue You In On A Secret: Death Is Not The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You. I Know We Think That; We Are The First Society Ever To Think That. It's Not Worse Than Dishonor; It's Not Worse Than Losing Your Freedom; Its Not Worse Than Losing A Sense Of Personal Responsibility.

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If You Believe That The World Is Going To Come To An End - And Perhaps Any Day Now - Does It Not Drain One's Motivation To Improve Life On Earth While We're Here?

If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

The Media Is All Over This Oui Interview That Arnold Did 25 Years Ago. Now, He's Admitted He Smoked Pot, Had Group Sex And Didn't Mind Dating A Girl That Was Out Of Shape And Kind Of Fat If She Satisfied Him Sexually. So, His Handlers Have Stopped Comparing Him To Reagan And Started Comparing Him To Clinton.

Life Is About Making Tough Choices. Sometimes You Have To Go Where Your Career Is Going.

I Think Capital Punishment Works Great. Every Killer You Kill Never Kills Again.

I Don't Think George Bush Is A Good President By Any Imagination, But When He Said, 'if You're Talking To Al-quaeda, We Want To Know What It's About,' It Just Proves One Thing: If You're President Long Enough, You Will One Day Say Something That Is True.

Maybe Every Other American Movie Shouldn't Be Based On A Comic Book. Other Countries Will Think Americans Live In An Infantile Fantasy Land Where Reality Is Whatever We Say It Is And Every Problem Can Be Solved With Violence.

Obama Has Had More Fundraisers Than The Last Six Presidents Combined. And He's Still Losing In The Money Race!

New Rule: Someone Must X-ray My Stomach To See If The Peeps I Ate On Easter Are Still In There, Intact And Completely Undigested. And I'm Not Talking About This Past Easter. I'm Talking About The Last Time I Celebrated Easter, In 1962.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

Treason Is When Legislators Vote Against Homeland Security Measures Because It Goes Against The Wishes Of Their Political Or Financial Backers. Treason Is The Fact That, As A Terrorist, You Could Still Buy A Gun In This Country Because The Nra Lobby Is So Strong.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

It's Supposed To Be A Good Thing That He's Got This Dialogue Started. To Me, I Think, I Just Took Away Something Bad From It, Because, Apparently He Had To Do This Not To Convince Them Of Anything. To Educate Them.

New Rule: If An Evangelical Tries To Use Halloween To Pimp Jesus To Kids, They Get To Egg His House. On Halloween, The President Of The American Family Association Urged His Flock To Hand Out A Christian-based Comic Book Instead Of Candy. Excuse Me, Halloween Isn't A Time To Push Your Beliefs. You Don't See Me Handing Out Pot To Kids...okay, Well Not The Little Kids.

Recognition Is One Of The Three Big Elements Of Comedy.

America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

Your Fuselage Shouldn't Open More Easily Than Your Pretzel Bag.

A New Biography Of Madonna Came Out Last Week, And Apparently The Biography Lists All The Men She's Slept With. The Book Is Apparently Called The Manhattan Telephone Directory.

There Are Only Three Ways A Congressman Goes Out: They Die In Office, They Cash In As A Lobbyist, Or They Mistakenly Tweet A Picture Of Their D*ck.

My Policy Is I Am Always More Than Happy To Say, "i'm Sorry If I Hurt Your Feelings." What I Am Not Willing To Do Is Take Back What I Said. Unless I Am Wrong.

Government - They Used To Teach It In College. It's Actually Something You Should Study And Learn And Know How To Do. The Republicans Always Run On The Idea That Government Isn't Very Effective. Well, Not The Way You Do It. But It Can Be Effective.

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Democrats Are Afraid Of Polls. Republicans Aren`t Afraid Of Polls. Republicans Make Polls. Democrats Run From Polls.

The Tea Baggers. The One Thing They Hate Is When You Call Them Racist. The Other Thing They Hate Is Black People. But They Won't Say It.

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Everybody Has A Magazine And A Channel. There Are 500 Channels And 500 Magazines, And We Wonder Why We're Not United As A Country.

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Death Is Nature's Way Of Killing You.

Space Tourism Is God's Way Of Telling You You Aren't Spending Enough On Lap Dances, Baccarat And Cocaine.

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

There's No Greater Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ.

The Idea That I Hear From The Right Wing In The Last Few Decades, Is That Any Sort Of Sacrifice Is An Affront To My Liberty As An American To Be A Pig The Way I Want To.

I Think Democrats Are Complacent. They Think That Russia Is Going To Save Us. Bob Mueller Is Going To Come In With A Report.

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

I Don't Do Heroin Myself, But It's Done Wonders For My Music Collection.

Funny That All Of Nixon's Crimes - Anonymous Campaign Cash, Wiretapping, Undeclared Wars - Are All Legal Now. Discuss.

40% Of Homicides Go Unsolved. You Know, It's Not A Very Good Record. And, Also, 95% Of Convictions In America Come From Plea Bargaining, Which Is Often Coerced. It's Like We Have The Worst Of Both Worlds. We Don't Convict The Guilty Enough, And We Coerce The Innocent Too Much.

You Can't Get Saved If You Don't Play.

In No Way Was I Intending To Say, Nor Have I Ever Thought, That The Men And Women Who Defend Our Nation In Uniform Are Anything But Courageous And Valiant, And I Offer My Apologies To Anyone Who Took It Wrong.

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

First They Didn't Believe In Evolution. Then They Didn't Believe In Global Warming. Now The Debt Ceiling. What I Call 'the Moron Trifecta.'

The House Okayed The Gasoline Tax Cut, Which Will Increase The Deficit, Line The Pockets Of The Oil Companies, And Hurt The Environment; Dole Said That If There Was Just Some Way This Could Interfere With People's Sex Lives, It Would Be Perfect Legislation.

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The Difference Between The Three Abrahamic Religions: Christianity - Mumbling To The Ceiling, Judaism - Mumbling To The Wall, Islam - Mumbling To The Floor.

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The President Said That Gold Told Him To Invade Iraq. You See That's What Happens When You Mix New Testament And Old Milwaukee.

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

I Urge The Media To Start Referring To Climate Skeptics As What They Really Are: Climate Assholes.

To Me A Real Patriot Is Like A Real Friend. Who's Your Real Friend? It's The Person Who Tells You The Truth. That's Who My Real Friends Are. So, You Know, I Think As Far As Our Country Goes, We Need More People Who Will Do That.

I'm Guessing Our Soldiers Are Happy To Be Leaving Iraq. It Is No Fun Being In A Country Where There's Crumbling Infrastructure And An Ignorant Population, But They Said They're Happy To Come Home Anyway.

My Generation Didn`t Face The Kind Of Urgent, Pressing Issues That My Parents Did, Who Fought Through A War And A Depression And Know What Suffering Is. That`s Why Bob Dole Had A Tough Time With This Electorate. He Was An Old-fashioned Curmudgeon Who Knew About Sacrifice, And We Didn`t Know If We Could Live Up To His Standards. But We Knew We Could Live Up To Bill Clinton`s. He`s More Like One Of Us.

Being A Conservative Also Used To Involve The Concept Of People Being Free To Do Whatever They Want To Do, As Long As It Doesn't Hurt Somebody Else. Conservatives Used To Be Very Libertarian.

Nobody Sees People As People. It's All How They Relate To My Little Group.

This Ted Cruz Guy, I Mean, He Incurred The Wrath, Really, Of His Own Party. They Don't Like Him. Democrats Hate Him. Independents Hate Him. Republicans Hate Him. Even Miley Cyrus, He's The One Guy She Refuses To Lick.

Hillary Clinton And Nancy Reagan Have A Lot In Common - They're Both Smarter Than Their Husbands And Both Consulted The Stars For Guidance, Nancy With Astrology And Hillary With Barbra Streisand.

I'm Not Defending What Cory Booker Said. I'm Saying I Understand Why He Has To Kiss The Asses Of The Rich People On Wall Street, Because There's No Other Way To Keep His City Afloat.

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

Trump Is A Little Tone-deaf To The Average American. He Unveiled His Slogan This Week: 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Wives Ago?'

When Opportunity Knocks All Some People Can Do Is Complain About The Noise.

You Want To Spend Your Millions On A Worthless Cause? Try Donating It To The Democrats.

Mccain Was Introduced At The Convention Last Night By His Wife -- I Won't Say 'trophy Wife' -- But She Did $300,000 Worth Of Clothes And Jewelry On, No Matter To The Party Of The Little Guy. But Cindy Mccain Talked About How His Character, Honor And Integrity Made Him The Exact Kind Of Married Man She Was Looking To Pick Up At A Bar.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

You'd Know If I Was The De-facto Leader Of The Democratic Party, Because You'd Go Down To Walgreen's And Buy A Pack Of Blunts.

The Eleventh Commandment: Don't Speak Ill Of A Fellow Republican. What If The Fellow Republican Is Doing Something That Hurts America? Isn't It The Patriot Who Sides With America Before He Sides With The Republicans?

I Think Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative. I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

Clinton Left The White House With All The Class Of An Xfl Halftime Show.

The Nypd Must Stop Acting Like The Only Thing Black People Do Is Run From Them And Shoot At Them. Believe It Or Not There Are Some Black New Yorkers Who Won't Run And Can't Shoot -- They're Called The #‎ Knicks .

Guns Aren't Just A Tool Of Last Resort. They're Awesome. That's Why People Stroke Them. And Name Them, And Take Pictures With Them. You Guys Aren't Just Firearm Enthusiasts — You're Ammosexuals. And Before You Try And Deny You Have Some Sort Of Unnatural Romantic Relationship With Your Gun, Consider This. You're Taking It Out To Dinner! Because It Completes You. Get A Room.

What We Don't Know Is About Jeb Bush And Cocaine. But We Do Know That He Did Once Had His Brother Florida On A Silver Platter.

Why Can't God Just Defeat The Devil And Get Rid Of Evil? It's The Same Reason The Comic Book Character Can't Get Rid Of His Nemesis; Then There's No Story.

I Don't Know Anyone Less Jesus Like Than Christians.

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

The Car Bomb Was Fertilizer, Gasoline, Fireworks And Propane Tanks...still Safer Than A Toyota.

I Don't Know If Anybody From My Tribe Of Atheists Ever Thanked [barack Obama] For Giving Us A Shout-out At Your First Inaugural, But You Did Mention Non-believers. We Appreciate It. Because We Do Feel Like Untouchables To A Degree.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee And Tom Tancredo - Those Were The Three Guys Who Said They Do Not Believe In Evolution. The Irony Will Be On Them When Their Campaigns Die Off In Favor Of Stronger, Fitter Campaigns.

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

I Don't Know If You Heard The News, But Wall Street Now Is A Farmer's Market. I Don't Want To Say Things Are Going Downhill Quickly, But Obama's New Campaign Slogan Is 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Days Ago?'

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

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