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I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

-Bill Maher

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I'd Like To Protect

Bill Maher

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I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

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Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

Saying Someone Is Religious Is Heard In Most Of America As A Compliment, A Reassuring Affirmation That Someone Will Be Moral, Ethical, And After A Few Glasses Of Wine, A Freak In The Bedroom.

Democrats Are Afraid Of Polls. Republicans Aren`t Afraid Of Polls. Republicans Make Polls. Democrats Run From Polls.

Religion, It Stops People From Thinking Because They Think All The Answers Are In That One Book; It Impedes Progress; It Justifies Crazy People. Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative.

I Have Two Dogs. If I Had Retarded Children, I'd Be A Hero. And Yet, The Dogs Are Pretty Much The Same Thing.

If Anti-gay Stuff Is Always Coming Out Of Your Mouth, Something Very Gay Is Probably Going In.

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

This Ted Cruz Guy, I Mean, He Incurred The Wrath, Really, Of His Own Party. They Don't Like Him. Democrats Hate Him. Independents Hate Him. Republicans Hate Him. Even Miley Cyrus, He's The One Guy She Refuses To Lick.

When Consumers Know Things, They Tend To Make Informed Choices, And That Could Affect Corporate Profits. I'm Sorry, But Your Right To Know Is Always Going To Be Outweighed By Their Right To Hide It From You.

You See, The Difference Is The Republicans' Hatred Of Obama Is Based On A Paranoid Feeling About What He Might Do, What He's Thinking, What He Secretly Wants To Change. Anger With Bush Was Based On What He Actually Did. What Bush Was Thinking Didn't Matter. Because He Wasn't.

If You Have A Few Hundred Followers And You Let Some Of Them Molest Children, They Call You A Cult Leader. If You Have A Billion, They Call You Pope.

You Can't Pray Away Global Warming, And That's The Difference Between Religious People And Sane People.

Since The Icelandic Volcano Obviously Needs A Virgin Sacrifice And The Catholic Church Obviously Needs New Leadership The Pope Must Volunteer To Jump In The Volcano. Pontiff, Don't Think Of It As Endorsing Paganism, Think Of It As Supersizing Ash Wednesday.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

I'm For The Death Penalty, I'm Pro-abortion, I'm Pro-assisted Suicide, I'm Pro-regular Suicide. Anything That'll Get The Traffic Moving.

Last Week, I Suggested The Candidates Take Up Mushrooms. I'll Be Damned If Rick Perry Didn't Take Me Up On That.

I Want To Always Be An Interloper. I Never Want To Feel Like I'm A Guy Who Is Embraced By The People Who Are Putting Me On The Air. I Want To Feel Like I Broke Into The Studio And Took Over And Made Them Mad. If I'm Not Doing That, I'm Not Doing My Job.

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

I'll Clue You In On A Secret: Death Is Not The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You. I Know We Think That; We Are The First Society Ever To Think That. It's Not Worse Than Dishonor; It's Not Worse Than Losing Your Freedom; Its Not Worse Than Losing A Sense Of Personal Responsibility.

Which Is Why I'd Like To Tip Off Law Enforcement To An Even Larger Child-abusing Religious Cult. Its Leader Also Has A Compound, And This Guy Not Only Operates Outside The Bounds Of The Law, But He Used To Be A Nazi And He Wears Funny Hats. That's Right, The Pope Is Coming To America This Week And Ladies, He's Single!

It Was Quite A Sight To See Obama Next To President Hu. Obama Has A Nobel Peace Prize In His Basement, And Hu Has A Nobel Peace Prize Winner In His.

I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

Don't You Think That Being A Person Of Faith Has Become A Third Rail In American Politics? If You Want To Run For President Nowadays, You'd Better Get Out There And Say You're A Very Faith-based Person.

When You Look At Belief In Such Things - As Do You Go To Heaven, Is There A Devil - We Have More In Common With (muslin Countries) Turkey And Iran And Syria Than We Do With European Nations And Canada And Nations That, Yes, I Would Consider More Enlightened That Us.

But I've Often Said That If I Had – I Have Two Dogs – If I Had Two Retarded Children, I'd Be A Hero. And Yet The Dogs, Which Are Pretty Much The Same Thing. What? They're Sweet. They're Loving. They're Kind, But They Don't Mentally Advance At All. Dogs Are Like Retarded Children.

Also, In The Category Of 'obvious But Still Shocking,' An Animal Called A 'killer Whale' Killed Someone Who Was Trying To Play With It. Now, No One Knows Exactly What Enraged The Whale, But Earlier In The Week, It Had Been Thrown Off A Flight By Southwest Airlines.

Love Does Not Conquer All.

Iraq Now Says That It Will, After All, Destroy Its Missiles. President Bush Said, 'please, I Used To Pull The Same Trick. There'd Be An Intervention, I'd Make A Big Show Of Pouring Out The Liquor And Then There Was A Case Under The Floorboards.'

I Think America Causes Cancer, Longevity Is Less Important Than Fun, And Young People Should Be Discouraged From Voting.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

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