Background Image

...

Don't Call Me When You're Stuck In Traffic. It's Not My Fault That Radio Sucks And Did It Ever Occur To You That There Wouldn't Be So Much Traffic If People Like You Put Down The Phone And Concentrated On The Road... Besides I Can't Talk Now, I'm In The Car Behind You Trying To Watch A Dvd.

-Bill Maher

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Don't Call Me When

Bill Maher

...

Don't Call Me When You're Stuck In Traffic. It's Not My Fault That Radio Sucks And Did It Ever Occur To You That There Wouldn't Be So Much Traffic If People Like You Put Down The Phone And Concentrated On The Road... Besides I Can't Talk Now, I'm In The Car Behind You Trying To Watch A Dvd.

Views: 6

Topic

More From Bill Maher

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

Being Politicians, They All Got To Sharing Their Personal Stories. Obama Talked About His Mother's Battle With Cancer. Harry Reid Talked About A Kid With A Cleft Palate. And John Mccain Told How He Once Carried A Brain Dead Woman Through An Entire Campaign.

When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

Making Mistakes

Just Because Your Tattoo Has Chinese Characters In It Doesn't Make You Spiritual. It's Right Above The Crack Of Your Ass, And It Translate To Beef With Broccoli. The Last Time You Did Anything Spiritual, You Were Praying To God You Weren't Pregnant. You're Not Spiritual. You're Just High.

It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

I Always Say People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right. I Like To Be Nice Too, But Come On. People Frequently Ask Me, What Is My Definition Of Politically Correct. My Answer Is Always The Same: The Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth. People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right, Rather Be Sensitive Than True. Well, Being Nice And Sensitive Are Important, But They're Not More Important Than Being Right; They're Not More Important Than The Truth.

New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

Mitt Romney, Who Is On Record Saying That He Would Not Waste Money Going After Bin Laden, And On Record Saying He Would Not Violate Pakistan's Border To Get Bin Laden, This Week Said, 'of Course I Would Have Gotten Bin Laden.' Even His Etch-a-sketch Went, Seriously?

Obama Has Had More Fundraisers Than The Last Six Presidents Combined. And He's Still Losing In The Money Race!

I Just Don't Think A Lot Of Republicans Like It When Single Women Have Sex.

I Find It Ironic That Republicans Have Such Disdain For The Lazy, And Yet Their Solution To Every Problem Is Do Nothing. Their Answer To Wealth Inequality, Do Nothing. Health Care? Do Nothing. Climate Change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn’t Exist. For A Group Of People So Head Over Heels In Love With Self-reliance, They Sure Do Recommend A Lot Of Sitting On Their Ass.

A New Cologne Is Coming Out. It's For Cowboys, And It's Made From Cow's Manure. That Way The Women Will Be On You Like Flies!

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

Newt Gingrich...is Absolutely For Bombing Iran And For Lowering Gas Prices. And I've Just To Say, You Can't Be For Both. They Are Diametrically Opposed.

Love Does Not Conquer All.

What Kind Of Tyrant Punishes Everyone Just To Get Back At The Few He's Mad At? I Mean, Besides Chris Christie.

Mitt Romney We Think Is Going Run Again. He Says He Has No Plans To Run, But He Said If He Did Run, This Time Things Would Turn Out Differently. Yes They Would. This Time He Would Get His Ass Kicked By A Woman.

If We Were A Dog And God Owned Us, The Cops Would Come And Take Us Away.

This Week Sarah Palin's Memoir Became A Bestseller. It's Not Even Out Yet. It's Being Translated Into English.

Yes, In Baseball When The Team Stinks, You Fire The Manager. But You Don't Fire Him Because It Rains. And You Don't Let The Opposing Team Choose A New Manager For You. And You Don't Fire Him Between Innings. And Replace Him With A Viennese Weightlifter.

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About.

During The Debate, Bush Was Asked By A Lady To Name Three Mistakes He's Made. And Bush Responded, This Debate, The Last Debate And The Next Debate.

This Is A Ridiculous Heat Wave We're In Right Now, And To Contribute, Newt Gingrich Said That For The Entire Month Of June, He Will Stop Blowing Hot Air.

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

I'm Definitely Good. I'm Not Bad; I'm Extremely Honest, And I Allow No Bullshit To Pass By My Radar. And That Will Always Get Lots Of People Thinking You're A Jerk. But There Are People Who Appreciate Total Honesty And Questioning Of The Conformities In Our Society, And I'm Heroic To Those People. And I Should Be. It's An Indictment Of The Rest Of Society Who Doesn't Get That.

During The Depression, Or Back When We Were Fighting Hitler, People Didn't Have Time To Sue A Company If The Coffee Was Too Hot. There Were Urgent, Pressing Problems. If You Think You Have It Tough, Read History Books.

It's Understandable Why A Minority That Was Treated As Badly As Blacks In This Country Have Been For So Long Would, When They Finally Found Themselves On Top, Brag About It And Want To Shout From The Rooftops.

New Rule: Since Our New National Position On Science Is, "screw It, We Prefer Witchcraft," Let's Not Just Retire The Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's Drive It To One Of The Five Stupidest States And Have The Locals Beat It With Sticks. Putting It In A Museum Is Too Dangerous. Someone Could Steal It, Fly It Into Space And Notice We Revolve Around The Sun.

I Don't Want To Start A Movement That Mirrors Religion. I Don't Want To Create The Church Of The Non-believers Where I'm The Preacher And We're All Gathering Together And Reciting Things.

Life Is About Making Tough Choices. Sometimes You Have To Go Where Your Career Is Going.

Gingrich Is The "foremost Intellectual" In The Republican Party Like Gene Simmons Is The Foremost Intellectual In "kiss".

Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options.

Officials Believe That One Of The Terrorists Was A Woman. And There Are Female Suicide Bombers. It's Just That Their Reward In Paradise Is A Little Different. Instead Of Getting 72 Virgins, They Get 72 Guys Who Just Listen.

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

I Don't Know If Anybody From My Tribe Of Atheists Ever Thanked [barack Obama] For Giving Us A Shout-out At Your First Inaugural, But You Did Mention Non-believers. We Appreciate It. Because We Do Feel Like Untouchables To A Degree.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

Women Cannot Complain About Men Anymore Until They Start Getting Better Taste In Them.

Every Time Somebody Says 'islamophobia' It Gives The People Who Are Intimidating Cover.

I'm Guessing Our Soldiers Are Happy To Be Leaving Iraq. It Is No Fun Being In A Country Where There's Crumbling Infrastructure And An Ignorant Population, But They Said They're Happy To Come Home Anyway.

What Democratic Congressmen Do To Their Women Staffers, Republican Congressmen Do To The Country.

We've Been On A Long Break And I've Just Been Kicking Back, Doing Nothing. Like Our Government.

America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

George Bush Says, 'gore's Book Needs A Lot Of Explaining.' Of Course, Bush Says That About Every Book.

You Know What Happens When Windmills Collapse Into The Sea? A Splash.

If You Came Into The Theater Believing In The Talking Snake, It's Kind Of Hard To Leave The Theater Still Believing In The Talking Snake.

A Cult Is A Cult, And That's What A Frat Is. A Place Where They Strip You Of Your Personality And Rebuild It In Their Image.

There Are People Who Think Everything Is A Conspiracy And I Think They're Crazy.

Maybe Every Other American Movie Shouldn't Be Based On A Comic Book. Other Countries Will Think Americans Live In An Infantile Fantasy Land Where Reality Is Whatever We Say It Is And Every Problem Can Be Solved With Violence.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

The Cable Tv Sex Channels Don't Expand Our Horizons, Don't Make Us Better People, And Don't Come In Clearly Enough.

The People Who Got Everything Wrong Are Back On Tv Talking About The Place They Got All Wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's Like Satan's Vip List For Hell.

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

When Opportunity Knocks All Some People Can Do Is Complain About The Noise.

I Think The Right-wingers Have To Buddy Up To The Fact That Either The Minimum Wage Has To Go Up, And People Get Enough Money To Live, Or You're Always Going To Have People Needing Government Assistance. You Can't Have It Both Ways.

New Rule: Someone Must X-ray My Stomach To See If The Peeps I Ate On Easter Are Still In There, Intact And Completely Undigested. And I'm Not Talking About This Past Easter. I'm Talking About The Last Time I Celebrated Easter, In 1962.

I'm Not Into Western Medicine. That To Me Is A Complete Scare Tactic.

New Rule: Stop Calling It Obamacare. It's Not Like Obama Will Be The Doctor For Your Next Prostate Exam. That's Just A Common Fantasy Of Republican Men.

Is It [hunting] Really A Sport If You Have All The Equipment And Your Opponent Doesn't Know A Game Is Going On?

You Talk About 'obama Is Going To Herd Us Into Fema Brainwashing Camps.' Maybe Your Brain Needs A Little Washing.

Thanks [donald] Trump For Exposing Evangelicals As 'shameless Hypocrites'.

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

This Country Hates Professors. It Likes Toby Keith - 'i'm Gonna Put A Boot In Their Ass.' If You Don't Do That, Somehow You Can't Be Strong.

We Had A National Tragedy This Week, And The President Of The United States And Sarah Palin Both Made Speeches On The Same Day. Obama Came Out Against Lunatics With Guns, She Gave The Rebuttal.

Government - They Used To Teach It In College. It's Actually Something You Should Study And Learn And Know How To Do. The Republicans Always Run On The Idea That Government Isn't Very Effective. Well, Not The Way You Do It. But It Can Be Effective.

Don't Vote For Republicans Or Democrats Until They Clean Up The Open System Of Bribery That We Live Under.

In Washington, The Air Quality Today Was Described As 'red.'...you Know What 'red' Is? It's Bad For Everyone. Not Just Old People, Sick People And Babies. When It's Just Bad For Old People, Sick People And Babies, That's Called A Republican Budget.

Sarah Palin Has Already Had An Effect On Foreign Relations... The New President Of Pakistan, Ali Zardari, Is In Hot Water, Because Last Week, Sarah Was On A Class Trip To New York, Where She Met Foreign Leaders... And One Of The Leaders She Met Was Zardari, And He Was Gushing Over Her. He Said, Oh, You're More Gorgeous In Person Than You Are On Tv. And So The People In His Home Country Of Pakistan, The Islamists, They Issued A Fatwa On Him, For Being Too 'flirty.' And When Sarah Today Was Told That Zardari Had Gotten A Fatwa Because Of Her, She Said, 'i Know, I Felt It When He Hugged Me.'

When I Was 5-years-old, I Knew Who Khrushchev Was.

Republicans Have Pounced. They're Outraged. They Say, 'how Dare You Lie About Caring For The People Who Got Hurt In The War We Lied Them Into?'

Ted Cruz, Of Course, Was Furious That The Big Storm Back East Shut Down The Government. He Said, 'that My Job!' But You Know, There Is A Big Difference Between Ted Cruz And Snow. Both Are White And Everyone’s Sick Of Them – But Eventually Snow Goes Away.

In New York Now, They Have Harvey Milk High School For Gay Students. They Don't Have Much Of A Football Team, But The Half-time Show . . .

People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

Don't Say A Woman Is Crazy Just Because She Runs Away From Her Wedding.

To Most Christians, The Bible Is Like A Software License. Nobody Actually Reads It. They Just Scroll To The Bottom And Click 'i Agree'.

Married Men Live Longer. Yes. And An Indoor Cat Also Lives Longer. It's A Furball With A Broken Spirit, That Can Only Look Out On A World It Can Never Enjoy. But It Does Technically Live Longer.

In This Country, A Smart Leader Is Suspect. That's Just The Way It Is. Even George Bush's Father, Who Was A Lot Smarter Than The Son, Had To Sort Of Prove That He Wasn't That Bright.

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

Old Testament, Is Really One Of The Most Wickedest Books You'll Ever Come Across. God Is An Insecure, Rage-filled Hybrid Of Bobby Knight And Suge Knight. He's Got These Anger Issues That You Can't Believe. He's Like John Mccain If Mccain Could Fart Hail. He's Pro-slavery, He's Pro-polygamy, He's Homophobic, He'll Kill You For Masturbating.

You Know, If You're An American And You're Born At This Time In History Especially, You're Lucky. We All Are. We Won The World History Powerball Lottery...

Marvel Comics Announced That The Next Captain America Will Be Black. He Has The Same Powers As White Captain America, Except He Has To Show I.d. When He Votes.

My Generation Didn`t Face The Kind Of Urgent, Pressing Issues That My Parents Did, Who Fought Through A War And A Depression And Know What Suffering Is. That`s Why Bob Dole Had A Tough Time With This Electorate. He Was An Old-fashioned Curmudgeon Who Knew About Sacrifice, And We Didn`t Know If We Could Live Up To His Standards. But We Knew We Could Live Up To Bill Clinton`s. He`s More Like One Of Us.

Talk To Women Who've Ever Dated An Arab Man. The Results Are Not Good.

Jesus Is Not A Candle. A Company In South Dakota Is Selling Candles With The Scent Of Jesus. You Light One And Your Friends Says, Christ, What's That Smell?

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

Republicans Look To Find The Future And They Find Radio.

I Want To Always Be An Interloper. I Never Want To Feel Like I'm A Guy Who Is Embraced By The People Who Are Putting Me On The Air. I Want To Feel Like I Broke Into The Studio And Took Over And Made Them Mad. If I'm Not Doing That, I'm Not Doing My Job.

Your Fuselage Shouldn't Open More Easily Than Your Pretzel Bag.

If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

Religion Is Bad And Drugs Are Good.

God Makes Trees, He Doesn't Write Books.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

If The Hamas People Had The Opportunity, They Would Kill The Maximum Number Of Israelis, Which Would Be All. And, Israel Has The Opportunity To Kill Way More, And They Do Not.

Hollywood Isn't Your Cesspool, America. It's Your Mirror.

Today Obama Was Seen Leaving The White House In A Nurse's Uniform On A Flight To Cuba To Smother Castro With A Pillow.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

But Isn't There Something Wrong When I'm The Only Guy In The Country That Got Fired For 9/11?

John Kerry Is Finding Out That It Is No Fun To Be The Front Runner, That's When You Get All The Heat. He Had To Deny Internet Rumors This Week That He Had Botox Treatments. The Republicans Say Kerry Should Have A Clear, Unfurrowed Brow The Old Fashioned Way By Not Giving A Sh--.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee And Tom Tancredo - Those Were The Three Guys Who Said They Do Not Believe In Evolution. The Irony Will Be On Them When Their Campaigns Die Off In Favor Of Stronger, Fitter Campaigns.

John Mccain, Who Once Called Jerry Falwell And Pat Robertson 'forces Of Evil', Has Now Come Out For Teaching Intelligent Design. That Is Sad, When Smart People Have To Pretend To Be So Dumb To Get Elected.

Donald Rumsfeld Also Lost His Gig Last Week. When Asked What His Future Plans Are, Rumsfeld Said, 'what's A Plan?'

A New Biography Came Out That Says That In High School Obama Was A Huge Pothead … Mitt Romney Had To Respond To This And Said, ‘it Is Appalling That Obama Spent His Teenage Years Goofing Around And Smoking Pot When He Should Have Been Pinning Down Gay Kids And Cutting Their Hair.

I Don't Dislike Children, I Just Don't Particularly Want To Be Around With Them A Lot. Problem Is, Neither Do Their Parents.

The Senate Decided They Will Be Smoke-free. They Ordained That All Public Areas In The Senate Are Now Smoke-free. However, The Senators Themselves Will Still Be Allowed To Blow Smoke Up Each Other's Asses.

Let's Face It; God Has A Big Ego Problem. Why Do We Always Have To Worship Him?

Heroin May Be Bad, But It Sure As Hell Hasn't Hurt My Cd Collection.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

Rick Santorum Said This Week That His 12-year-old Could Out-reason Me About God. Look, I Am Not About To Debate A Home-schooled 12-year-old. I Have Enough Trouble With Sarah Palin.

They're Talking About Banning Cigarette Smoking Now In Any Place That's Used By Ten Or More People In A Week, Which, I Guess, Means That Madonna Can't Even Smoke In Bed.

Look At The List Of Liberals Who Are Active In Politics, If Not Running. Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Springsteen, Spielberg... And Then You Look At The Conservatives, It's Like Chuck Norris, Bo Derek And The Gatlin Brothers. I Don't Know If Being Liberal Makes You More Right, But It Does Seem Like It Makes You More Talented.

What Is "martinizing" And Why Does It Only Take One Hour?

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

The Nra Made An Ad Saying That Obama Is Elitist Because His Kids Have Armed Guards. Yeah, That Crazy Obama Thinking His Kids Need Special Protection. I Love The Nra Accusing Anyone Of Being Paranoid. It's Like A Septic Tank Saying, 'you Need A Mint.'

Treason Is When Legislators Vote Against Homeland Security Measures Because It Goes Against The Wishes Of Their Political Or Financial Backers. Treason Is The Fact That, As A Terrorist, You Could Still Buy A Gun In This Country Because The Nra Lobby Is So Strong.

Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

If Anti-gay Stuff Is Always Coming Out Of Your Mouth, Something Very Gay Is Probably Going In.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Has An Indespensible Quote: 'the Test Of A First-rate Intelligence Is The Ability To Hold Two Opposed Ideas In The Mind At Once And Still Retain The Ability To Function'. Or, As I Like To Call It, 'o.j. Killed His Wife, And The Police Are Corrupt.'

It Just Seems Like Atheists Are Not Included In The Basket Of Diversity In America, Which Is Odd Because We Are The Biggest Minority. That Is A Bigger Minority Than Any Other Minority You Can Name.

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

You Can Always Tell When Obama's Negotiations With The Republicans Are Winding Down, Because He's Missing His Watch And His Lunch Money.

You Know, The Only Place In America Where The Millionaires And Billionaires Are Predominantly Liberal Is Here In Hollywood.

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

My Thinking Is, Government Is Really There To Do The Things That People Absolutely Can't Do For Themselves. And That's Mostly Involved With The Things That Might Kill You. And What Might Kill Me? The Environment And Terrorism.

I Don't Understand Why The Police Are Infallible. They Remind Me A Lot Of The Catholic Church.

The Key To Me, In Religion, Is Just To Treat It Like It Doesn't Really Matter. We Have A Pope, We Don't Really Believe Him, We Don't Really Listen To What He Says, We Don't Really Take Him Seriously. That's What Has To Happen With Religion. It Has To Be Marginalized And In The Islamic World, It's Not Marginalized, It's Taken Literally.

Don't Call Me When You're Stuck In Traffic. It's Not My Fault That Radio Sucks And Did It Ever Occur To You That There Wouldn't Be So Much Traffic If People Like You Put Down The Phone And Concentrated On The Road... Besides I Can't Talk Now, I'm In The Car Behind You Trying To Watch A Dvd.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

It's All Been Satirized For Your Protection.

Sarah Palin's Whole Family Got Into A Drunken Public Fistfight. Something Police Are Calling A 'tragic Case Of Trash-on-trash Violence.'

I Love Jesus. I Just Don't Like The Christians Who Don't Believe In What He Says.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm A Birth Survivor.

I'm Staying In A Strange Hotel. I Called Room Service For A Sandwich And They Sent Up Two Hookers.

Clint Eastwood's Speech Was Kind Of A Metaphor For The Entire Republican Party: A Confused Old Person Yelling At Something That Doesn't Exist.

It's A Good Time To Say "oh" And Take Stock And Say, "gee, How Was I Ethically This Year?" That's The Problem With Faith, Joe. What It Does Is It Kind Of Screws Up Your Priorities. Your Priorities Shouldn't Be Saving Your Own Ass, Which Is The Focus Of Christianity. The Focus Should Be, I'm A Good Person, And I Do That Just For The Sake Of Being Good. Like The Christmas Song Says, "be Good For Goodness' Sake."

The Only Silver Lining I Can Find Is That British Accents Aren't Sexy Anymore.

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

Life Is Not Like A Box Of Chocolates Unless There's A Few Turds In The Box.

There's More Attention Paid To Entertainers Than Ever And Less That They Have To Say. Not That Entertainers Were Ever A Great Beacon Of Knowledge To Begin With, But At Least When The Beatles Were The Leaders Of The Culture, They Had A Message. It Was Brief; It Wasn't Terribly Complicated. "give Peace A Chance." "all You Need Is Love." But At Least They Were Trying. At Least They Had Grown.

Every Asshole Who Ever Chanted 'drill Baby Drill' Should Have To Report To The Gulf Coast Today For Cleanup Duty.

Hillary Clinton And Nancy Reagan Have A Lot In Common - They're Both Smarter Than Their Husbands And Both Consulted The Stars For Guidance, Nancy With Astrology And Hillary With Barbra Streisand.

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

Clinton Left The White House With All The Class Of An Xfl Halftime Show.

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

In New York, Catholic Groups Have Forced An Art Gallery To Shut Down An Exhibition Of A Six-foot Image Of Jesus In Chocolate. So, The Archbishop Of New York Was Very Upset. He Said, 'it Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.'

Religion, To Me, Is A Bureaucracy Between Man And God That I Don't Need.

The New York Times - But The Whole Country Gives It That Weight. It's Like The Asian Kid In Math Class. Everybody In The Media Cheats Off The New York Times.

North Carolina Right Now Is Going Apeshit In A Way No State Ever Has. Take Every Crazy, Angry Idea Your Drunk, Right-wing Uncle Mumbles At Thanksgiving, Turn It Into A Law, And That’s North Carolina Today.

Just Honest. To Me, Being 'politically Incorrect' Means The Opposite Of Being Political -- Which Means To Spin Everything. That's All It's Ever Meant To Me. It's Never Meant Liberal Or Conservative. It Means Honest.

I Want To See Riots! I Want To See The Kind Of Riots Where Cab Drivers Are Afraid To Pick Up White People! I Want To See This Guy!

Americans Are Used To Being Pandered To And Spoon-fed Everything. In A Culture That Needs Caffeine-free Cherry Chocolate Diet Coke, You'd Best Deliver Information With Entertainment.

I Know Climate Change Is A Hoax – Of Course – But Places That Have Never Seen This Type Of Winter Weather Got Hit By It. More Than A Half A Million Southerners Have Been Left In The Dark --- And Then The Storm Hit.

We Need More People Speaking Out. This Country Is Not Overrun With Rebels And Free Thinkers. It's Overrun With Sheep And Conformists.

Now That They've Finished Reading The Constitution Out Loud, The Teabaggers Must Call Out That Group Of Elitist Liberals Whose Values Are So Antithetical To Theirs. I'm Talking Of Course About The Founding Fathers, Who The Teabaggers Believe Are Just Like Them, But Aren't. One Is A Group Of Exclusively White Men Who Live In A Bygone Century, Have Bad Teeth, And Think Of Blacks As 3/5 Of A Person, And The Other Are The Founding Fathers.

The "power Of One" Is A Slogan--not A Goal.

The Public Is Gullible. ... If [many Satirists Are] Making The Same Joke, That's The Danger. Then There's A Solidifying Effect And It Becomes A Truth.

The Other Financial Genius, John Mccain, Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong, And Then Yesterday He Wanted To Fire The Head Of The Sec -- Except You Can't As President Fire The Sec Chairman, It's A Non-governmental Job. Sarah Palin Said Today One More Gaffe From Mccain, And She's Going To Drop Him From The Ticket.

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

If You Ignore Every Single Thing Jesus Told You To Do, You Are Just Auditing. You're Not A Christian.

There's No Greater Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ.

All Across The Middle East In The Streets, People Are Demanding Democracy. It's Amazing. The Only Way In America You Get People To Get Worked Up Like That Is To Threaten To Give Them Health Care.

I Think I Know Now Why We Are Occupying Iraq. In Case We Have To Sell America And Move To A Smaller Country.

This Is America. We Don't Call An Election Before We Know Who Won. That, After All, Is The Job Of The Supreme Court.

The Tea Baggers. The One Thing They Hate Is When You Call Them Racist. The Other Thing They Hate Is Black People. But They Won't Say It.

There's More Than One Mosque In The World That Used To Be A Church And Before That Was A Temple. Because It's A Lot Easier To Just Change The Sign On The Top And Say Under New Management Than It Is To Change The Whole Building.

New Rule: The Rest Of The World Can Go Back To Being Completely Jealous Of America. Our Majority White Country Just Freely Elected A Black President, Something No Other Democracy Has Ever Done. Take That Canada! Where's Your Nubian Warrior President? Your Head Of State Is A Boring White Dude Named Steven Harper, And Mine Is A Kick-ass Black Ninja Named Barack Hussein Obama!

Did You See Britney Spears At The Video Music Awards? I Don't Want To Say That That Performance Was A Disaster, But After The Show, I Saw Rudy Giuliani Having His Picture Taken Standing On Her.

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

It's Not Getting Any Better For The American People. It Seems To Be Getting Worse. That's Predictable; Education Is A Cycle. Stupidity Breeds More Stupidity.

In An Average Moral Universal Society, Good People Will Try To Do The Right Thing, And Psychotic People Will Do Wicked Things. But If You Want To Make Good People Do Wicked Things, You Need Them To Be Religious.

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

The Other Guys Are Selling Certainty. Not Me. I'm On The Corner With Doubt.

Nowas You All Know, This Week, Pope Benedict Told Vatican Radio—you Know, Vatican Radio, Playing The Hits From The 8th Century, 9th Century And Today—benedict Told Them He Was Going To Resign Because The Church Needs A Fresh, Young Face, Somewhere Other Than A Priest's Lap.

It's Going To Be Perry, It's Going To Be Romney...it's Sort Of A Battle For The Soul Of The Republican Party - And They Have No Soul, But The Space Where A Soul Would Be.

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

Sometimes I'm Dragging My Ass Out To The Airport At 8 A.m. On A Saturday And I'm Wondering Why I'm Doing This, But Once I Walk On Stage I Know Why...because I'm Addicted.

What Is With This Campy Fixation On All Things Ronald Reagan? They Talk About Him The Way Gay People Talk About Barbra Streisand. I Think They Want Him On A Stamp So They Can Lick His Ass. I Think They Wanted To Name Airports After Him So They Can Say, "i'm Coming Into Reagan!"

I Think The News People No Longer Have Any Idea Of What Covering The News Is.

Barack Obama Is The President Of The United States, A Politician In America, A Very Religious Country, So I Understand Why He Has To Pretend To Be A Religious Person Himself. I Say Pretend Because, I Can Only Hope That Someone As Bright As He, Wouldn't Really Believe That People Can Walk On Water And Ride A Winged Horse And Rain Frogs And You Can Change Water Into Wine.

Over The Last 30 Odd Years, Democrats Have Moved To The Right And The Right Has Moved Into The Mental Hospital. So What We Have Is One Perfectly Good Party For Hedge Fund Managers, Credit Card Companies, Banks, Defense Contractors, Big Agriculture And The Pharmaceutical Lobby... That's The Democrats. And They Sit Across The Aisle From A Small Group Of Religious Lunatics, Flat-earthers And Civil War Re-enactors Who Mostly Communicate By Am Radio And Call Themselves The Republicans And Who Actually Worry That Obama Is A Socialist. Socialist? He's Not Even A Liberal.

I Think The Reason Why More Rapists Go Into The Military Is The Same Reason Why Predators Go Into The Catholic Church. It's A Place They Know They Can Get Away With It.

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

Please Stop Assuming That Longevity And Perfect Health Is Always The Correct Option. No. Sometimes Fun Costs Ya. It Just Does, You Know? And That's Ok, You're Willing To Make That Purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. Was 64 When He Died. Give Me 64 Sammy-years, I'll Be Happy.

People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

If You're Living Hand-to-mouth, And Still Buying Into The Con That The Big Threats To America Are Socialized Medicine, Mexican Immigrants And Tax Increases, Then You're Not Being Kept Down By The Rich. You're Being Kept Down By You.

Even When [federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke Said The Recession Was Over ... You Think That Would Have Been A Bigger Boom Somewhere, But It Seems We Just Take Everything In Stride.

Suicide Is Man's Way Of Telling God, 'you Can't Fire Me - I Quit.'

Republicans Say That Sex Is Bad, Because With Them It Always Is. It Is!...i'm Sorry, But They're Just Doughy, Asexual, Wonky, White People, And If You Had To Have Sex With Them It Would Be Over In An Excruciating Three Minutes. It's Just, - And From The Headlines Of The Past Year I Gather The Only Sex They're Really Good At, Is Gay Sex. Really.

I'm Not Defending What Cory Booker Said. I'm Saying I Understand Why He Has To Kiss The Asses Of The Rich People On Wall Street, Because There's No Other Way To Keep His City Afloat.

You Can’t Be A Rational Person Six Days A Week And On One Day Of The Week, Go To A Building, And Think You Are Drinking The Blood Of A Two Thousand Year Old Space God. That Doesn’t Make You A Person Of Faith…, That Makes You A Schizophrenic.

Don't Wear Bacon Cologne. If You Put On...you Know What? Screw It. Wear It. If You Are The Type Of Guy Who Is Tempted To Wear Bacon Cologne, It's Not Like You Could Get Laid Any Less.

I Was Just At The Newly Opened Creationist Museum In Kentucky.... And They Have This Exhibit Of A Giant Dinosaur...with A Saddle On Its Back. Because The World Is Only 5000 Years Old, So Man And The Dinosaurs Had To Coexist, And, Of Course, We Rode Them. A Theory I Thought Laughable At The Age Of Eight When I Saw It On The Flintstones!

This Ted Cruz Guy, I Mean, He Incurred The Wrath, Really, Of His Own Party. They Don't Like Him. Democrats Hate Him. Independents Hate Him. Republicans Hate Him. Even Miley Cyrus, He's The One Guy She Refuses To Lick.

When You Get People Who Are Out Of Office, Suddenly Their Tongues Loosen Up And Suddenly They Say The Things That You Wish They'd Said Or Did When They Were In Office.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

Sarah Palin Said Perhaps The Most Irresponsible Thing I've Ever Heard Any Politician Say. She Said, 'the Only Thing That Stops A Bad Guy With A Nuke Is A Good Guy With A Nuke.' You Think She Realizes That Nuking Russia Might Not Be Good For Someone Who Can See Russia From Her House?

Trending Author

Category