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John Kerry Is Finding Out That It Is No Fun To Be The Front Runner, That's When You Get All The Heat. He Had To Deny Internet Rumors This Week That He Had Botox Treatments. The Republicans Say Kerry Should Have A Clear, Unfurrowed Brow The Old Fashioned Way By Not Giving A Sh--.

-Bill Maher

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John Kerry Is Finding

Bill Maher

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John Kerry Is Finding Out That It Is No Fun To Be The Front Runner, That's When You Get All The Heat. He Had To Deny Internet Rumors This Week That He Had Botox Treatments. The Republicans Say Kerry Should Have A Clear, Unfurrowed Brow The Old Fashioned Way By Not Giving A Sh--.

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Canadian Bacon Isn't Bacon. It's Ham.

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White People Have Always Shown Their Superiority Over Blacks With Their Feet, Moving Out Of Black Neighborhoods With The Fear That Their Kids Will Turn Into One Of Them. And Now, Through The Magic Of Mtv, Damned If It Didn't Turn Out That Way!

I Think America Causes Cancer, Longevity Is Less Important Than Fun, And Young People Should Be Discouraged From Voting.

That Mitt Romney, He Is A Master Campaigner. This Week He Was Introducing His Wife, And He Said, 'she Is The Heavyweight Champion Of My Life.” Which May Explain Why On The Ride Home, He Was Strapped To The Roof Of The Car.

Lip-synching?! Let That Be A Lesson. If You Are In Washington, D.c., And You Open Your Mouth And Another Voice Comes Out, It Better Be The Nra, An Oil Company Or A Bank.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

In The Muslim World, Much Of It, They Cannot Conceive Of Something Coming Out Of The United States That Wouldn't Be Sanctioned By The Government, Because In Their Countries, Everything Is Sanctioned By The Government.

Is It Like Gay Men Go Into The Priesthood Because They Figure, Well, This'll Solve My Problem. I Can't Be A Homosexual In The Priesthood; It'll Just Go Away. Maybe I'll Try It With The Republican Party.

We Had A National Tragedy This Week, And The President Of The United States And Sarah Palin Both Made Speeches On The Same Day. Obama Came Out Against Lunatics With Guns, She Gave The Rebuttal.

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To Me A Real Patriot Is Like A Real Friend. Who's Your Real Friend? It's The Person Who Tells You The Truth. That's Who My Real Friends Are. So, You Know, I Think As Far As Our Country Goes, We Need More People Who Will Do That.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

Atheism Is A Religion The Way Abstinence Is A Sex Position.

When I Hear From People That Religion Doesn't Hurt Anything, I Say Really? Well Besides Wars, The Crusades, The Inquisitions, 9-11, Ethnic Cleansing, The Suppression Of Women, The Suppression Of Homosexuals, Fatwas, Honor Killings, Suicide Bombings, Arranged Marriages To Minors, Human Sacrifice, Burning Witches, And Systematic Sex With Children, I Have A Few Little Quibbles. And I Forgot Blowing Up Girl Schools In Afghanistan.

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So When I Say We Had Been The Cowards, Yes, That's What I Meant, We As A Society. And That's Everybody, Including Myself. I Had Been Screaming About The Drug War And This War And Other Wars. I Should Have Been More On Terrorism, Too. So Should You, So Should Everybody.

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Everything That Used To Be A Sin Is Now A Disease.

I'm Not A Joiner. I Don't Like Organizations.

This Is My Question For Conservatives: Don't You Want To Live, Too?

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What Kind Of Tyrant Punishes Everyone Just To Get Back At The Few He's Mad At? I Mean, Besides Chris Christie.

'the Lorax,'...it's A Mythical, Woodland Creature, Right, Who's For Saving Trees. He Speaks For The Trees Because No One Else Can. Kind Of The Way Conservatives Speak For Fetuses.

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The Difference Between The Three Abrahamic Religions: Christianity - Mumbling To The Ceiling, Judaism - Mumbling To The Wall, Islam - Mumbling To The Floor.

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I Love Jesus. I Just Don't Like The Christians Who Don't Believe In What He Says.

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There Is No Debate Here, Just Scientists And Non-scientists. And Since The Subject Is Science, The Non-scientists Don't Get A Vote.

In Fact, Because People Are Religious, They Think They Can Do Bad Things.

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

When I Was 5-years-old, I Knew Who Khrushchev Was.

President Bush Is Supporting Arnold But A Lot Of Republicans Are Not, Because He Is Actually Quite Liberal. Karl Rove Said If His Father Wasn't A Nazi, He Wouldn't Have Any Credibility With Conservatives At All.

I'm For The Death Penalty, I'm Pro-abortion, I'm Pro-assisted Suicide, I'm Pro-regular Suicide. Anything That'll Get The Traffic Moving.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

Gordon Gekko Was Right: Greed Is Good. Because, The Potty-trained Republicans Have Now Stepped Forward - Like The Koch Brothers - To Say, 'you Know What? You Yokels Stop Talking About Defaulting On The Debt, Because I'm Going To Lose A Fortune!'

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

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A Lot Of People Say They Are Dyslexic; Some Have To Realize That They Are Just Stupid.

Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

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Don't Wear Bacon Cologne. If You Put On...you Know What? Screw It. Wear It. If You Are The Type Of Guy Who Is Tempted To Wear Bacon Cologne, It's Not Like You Could Get Laid Any Less.

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Let's Make A Law That Gay People Can Have Birthdays, But Straight People Get More Cake - You Know, To Send The Right Message To Kids.

I'm More Likely To Not Invite Someone Back For Not Talking. If Someone Talks A Lot, I Can Usually Shut Them Up And Control Them. But With People Who Don't Talk, If They Don't Really Want To Talk, They Probably Shouldn't Be On This Show, And That's Fine. They're Talented People With Things To Say, But Sometimes People Say What They Have To Say Through Other Means Than Arguing.

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New Rule: Someone Has To Tell Francesco Schettino That Embracing A Callous Policy Of "every Man For Himself" Doesn't Make You A Sea Captain. It Makes You The Republican Nominee.

Selling Pot Allowed Me To Get Through College And Make Enough Money To Start Off In Comedy.

A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

You Can't Deny That Religion Has Done Some Good. It Organizes Lots Of Anti-poverty Programs And Soup Kitchens And Missionary Work. But I Would Say That, First Of All, All Those Things Can Be Accomplished Without Religion. You Can Be Ethical, Somebody Who Does The Right Thing Without Feeling That He Has To In Order To Get His Ass Saved In The Next Life.

Don't You Miss The Days When America Was Just Morally Bankrupt?

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

The Younger Generation Is Supposed To Rage Against The Machine, Not For It. They're Supposed To Question Authority, Not Question Those Who Question Authority.

The Idea That I Hear From The Right Wing In The Last Few Decades, Is That Any Sort Of Sacrifice Is An Affront To My Liberty As An American To Be A Pig The Way I Want To.

If You Think You Have It Tough, Read History Books.

Nowas You All Know, This Week, Pope Benedict Told Vatican Radio—you Know, Vatican Radio, Playing The Hits From The 8th Century, 9th Century And Today—benedict Told Them He Was Going To Resign Because The Church Needs A Fresh, Young Face, Somewhere Other Than A Priest's Lap.

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

To All Conservative Women Out There: If You Are So Sure The Embryo Needed For Stem Cell Research Are Precious Human Life That Can't Be Destroyed, Then Implant One In Your Uterus And Bring It To Term. That's Right, Put Your Cervix Where Your Mouth Is.

Republicans Are Always Saying We Should Privatize Things Like Schools, Prisons, Social Security - Hey, How About We Privatize Privacy! Because If The Government Forbids Gay Men From Tying The Knot, What Is Their Alternative? They Can`t All Marry Liza Minnelli.

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

It's So Childish, "greatest Country In The World." It's Like Saying, "i Have The Greatest Wife In The World. Not Just The One Best Suited For Me, The Greatest Wife In The World. And If You Could Have My Wife, You'd Kill Your Wife."

When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

The Nra Made An Ad Saying That Obama Is Elitist Because His Kids Have Armed Guards. Yeah, That Crazy Obama Thinking His Kids Need Special Protection. I Love The Nra Accusing Anyone Of Being Paranoid. It's Like A Septic Tank Saying, 'you Need A Mint.'

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

People Do Not Want To Be Disillusioned By The New President [barak Obama]. The Liberals Felt, Finally, This Is Our Time. Now They're Worried. Now What They See Is More Business As Usual. We All Want To Give Him The Benefit Of The Doubt, We Know It's A Tough Job And He Inherited A Mess, But At The End Of The Day, Is It Really Change We Can Believe In When There's No Public Options And Wall Street Reform Has No Teeth In It? It Really Looks A Lot Like We Just Changed The Color.

[the Republicans] Are Always Asking The Muslims To Denounce Their Extremists. And I Agree With Them. But They Don't Take That Note And Do It Among Their Own. They Don't Denounce Their Own Extremists.

Nobody In America Who Wants Pot Has Any Trouble Getting It, So Maybe That's Why We Aren't Seeing Support For Legalization. People Don't Think It's Necessary To Legalize It, Because It's So Easy To Get It.

That's What's So Great About The Internet. It Allows Pompous Blow-hards To Connect With Other Pompous Blow-hards In A Vast Circle-jerk Of Pomposity.

Karl Rove Described Obama As "the Guy At The Country Club With The Beautiful Date, Holding A Martini, And Making Snide Comments About Everyone Who Passes By." Unlike George Bush, Who's The Guy At The Country Club Who Makes Snide Comments, And Then Passes Out. Now This Characterization, Of Course, Was Something Mr. Rove Just Completely Pulled Out Of His Bulbous, Gelatinous A$$, But Remember This Is America, A Land Where People Believe Anything They Hear.

People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

Why Can't God Just Defeat The Devil And Get Rid Of Evil? It's The Same Reason The Comic Book Character Can't Get Rid Of His Nemesis; Then There's No Story.

Hillary Clinton And Nancy Reagan Have A Lot In Common - They're Both Smarter Than Their Husbands And Both Consulted The Stars For Guidance, Nancy With Astrology And Hillary With Barbra Streisand.

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

Scientists Say An 8.9 Earthquake Here Could Knock Down Buildings, Flood Coastal Areas... And Improve The Roads.

The Nypd Must Stop Acting Like The Only Thing Black People Do Is Run From Them And Shoot At Them. Believe It Or Not There Are Some Black New Yorkers Who Won't Run And Can't Shoot -- They're Called The #‎ Knicks .

I Was Brought Up Catholic And We Show My Mom, My Mother, My Sister And Then I Take Pains To Explain On Camera, That There Were Years After That Where I Wasn't Really Religious. I Certainly Wasn't A Catholic Anymore, But I Still Lived With Some Mythical Man In My Head. I Didn't Really Put A Name To A Face, But I Just Knew That If I Was In Trouble Or Scared I Would Go, 'oh God, Please Help Me Get Out Of This One.'

This Is A Powerful Message From Our Government: We Will Not Be Intimidated By Bombs; We Will Not Be Intimidated By Poison; This Is America, If You're A Violent, Paranoid Lunatic, You Must Use A Gun!

There Are Only Three Ways A Congressman Goes Out: They Die In Office, They Cash In As A Lobbyist, Or They Mistakenly Tweet A Picture Of Their D*ck.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

I Want To Always Be An Interloper. I Never Want To Feel Like I'm A Guy Who Is Embraced By The People Who Are Putting Me On The Air. I Want To Feel Like I Broke Into The Studio And Took Over And Made Them Mad. If I'm Not Doing That, I'm Not Doing My Job.

What Is With This Campy Fixation On All Things Ronald Reagan? They Talk About Him The Way Gay People Talk About Barbra Streisand. I Think They Want Him On A Stamp So They Can Lick His Ass. I Think They Wanted To Name Airports After Him So They Can Say, "i'm Coming Into Reagan!"

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About...religion Is Dangerous Because It Allows Human Beings, Who Don't Have All The Answers, To Think That They Do.

If You Ignore Every Single Thing Jesus Told You To Do, You Are Just Auditing. You're Not A Christian.

Your Fuselage Shouldn't Open More Easily Than Your Pretzel Bag.

It Just Seems Like The Culture War Is Over, And The Gay Kissers Won.

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

Recognition Is One Of The Three Big Elements Of Comedy.

Down In Texas, Rick Perry Announced He Will Not Run For Reelection. He Said 'i Executed One Last Woman, That Fertilizer Plant Exploded, I Returned Abortions To Back Alleys Where It Belongs, My Work Here Is Done.' I Think That's What He Said, He Was Chewing A Crayon.

I Was Watching Ashlee Simpson On Jay's Show Last Night... She Was Really Singing, And I Was Saying, 'bring Back The Lip Synch'... And It Struck Me That Ashlee Simpson Is A Lot Like George Bush - Because She Wouldn't Even Really Be In The Big Leagues If It Wasn't For Family Connections, And She's In Way Over Her Head. And She Doesn't Know What To Do. And She Blamed Her Band.

Many People Can't Deal With Unanswered Questions, Which Religion Exploits By Providing Answers, Even If They Are Just Made Up By Someone. This Is Also Why We Love Tv Shows And Movies That Neatly Wrap Up Everything In Exactly An Hour Or Two.

When Opportunity Knocks All Some People Can Do Is Complain About The Noise.

I'm Against Suing Tobacco Companies. I Think Abstinence Is A Perversion. I Think Bush's Lies Are Worse Than Clinton's. I Think Vegas Was Better When It Was Run By The Mob. I Think Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options. I Think Stereotypes Are True And Rehab Is For Quitters.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

What Is Kanye West's Message? Like Most Rap, "i Am The Greatest Person Ever And You're Not." I Used To Call It Affirmative Action For The Ego.

The Tea Baggers. The One Thing They Hate Is When You Call Them Racist. The Other Thing They Hate Is Black People. But They Won't Say It.

If You Came Into The Theater Believing In The Talking Snake, It's Kind Of Hard To Leave The Theater Still Believing In The Talking Snake.

I Don't Want My President To Be A Tv Star. You Don't Have To Be On Television Every Minute Of Every Day - You're The President, Not A Rerun Of 'law & Order'. Tv Stars Are Too Worried Bout Being Popular And Too Concerned About Being Renewed.

Donald Trump Got The Power Of The Government Behind Him Now. He Didn't Have That Before When He Was Just A Clown. The Republican Party Is Still With Him. Including Those State Legislatures. Gerrymandering. He Has Basically Pravda In Fox News, In Breitbart, In Drudge.

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

All I Did Was Tell The Truth. That's Is What The Whole Show Is About! And If Politically Incorrect Has To Go Down For It, So Be It!

Like It Or Not, We're Still A Primitive Tribe Ruled By Fears, Superstition And Misinformation.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

Between Trying To Impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, And The Recall In California, I'm Beginning To Think That Republicans Will Do Anything To Win An Election-except Get The Most Votes.

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

The Country Can't Get Well If The People Are Sick. And The People Are Sick.

One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

March Madnesss...the Only Place Where You Hear 'kansas Is Advancing.'

Obama Is Not A Secret Kenyon, Or A Secret Muslim, He's A Secret Republican.

I Think The Reason Why More Rapists Go Into The Military Is The Same Reason Why Predators Go Into The Catholic Church. It's A Place They Know They Can Get Away With It.

We Have Been The Cowards Lobbing Cruise Missiles From 2,000 Miles Away. That's Cowardly. Staying In The Airplane When It Hits The Building, Say What You Want About It, It's Not Cowardly.

Paul Revere Was Warning The British About Gun Control, And George Washington Apparently Was Crossing The Delaware To Bomb An Abortion Clinic.

I Saw This Anti-drug Commercial That Showed A Kid Smoking Pot In His Dad`s Room With His Friend. This Kid Finds A Gun, The Gun Accidentally Goes Off And Kills His Friend. Only In America Is The Villain In This Commercial Not Guns Or Bad Parenting, But Pot.

It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

Now People Want Brian Williams To Resign, But It Could Have A Happy Ending. Apparently What He Said Was Such A Blatant Departure From The Truth, Today He Got An Offer From Fox News.

Republicans Say That Sex Is Bad, Because With Them It Always Is. It Is!...i'm Sorry, But They're Just Doughy, Asexual, Wonky, White People, And If You Had To Have Sex With Them It Would Be Over In An Excruciating Three Minutes. It's Just, - And From The Headlines Of The Past Year I Gather The Only Sex They're Really Good At, Is Gay Sex. Really.

I Don't Know If Anybody From My Tribe Of Atheists Ever Thanked [barack Obama] For Giving Us A Shout-out At Your First Inaugural, But You Did Mention Non-believers. We Appreciate It. Because We Do Feel Like Untouchables To A Degree.

The Cable Tv Sex Channels Don't Expand Our Horizons, Don't Make Us Better People, And Don't Come In Clearly Enough.

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

The Federal Government... Announced A Plan To Spend, Like, A Trillion Of Taxpayer Dollars To Buy Out Bad Mortgages And Debt. Wall Street Was Surprisingly Enthusiastic About The Plan To Save Their (butts) With Other Peoples' Money. It Was Either That, Or Sarah Palin's Idea To Sell It All On Ebay.

I Believe In God, I Just Give Him More Credit Than Being A Single Parent And An Author.

Rick Santorum Said This Week That His 12-year-old Could Out-reason Me About God. Look, I Am Not About To Debate A Home-schooled 12-year-old. I Have Enough Trouble With Sarah Palin.

If The Nra Keeps Messing With The President's Daughters, They're Going To Have To Start Worrying About Michelle Obama's Guns.

I Always Compare Marriage To Communism. They're Both Institutions That Don't Conform To Human Nature, So You're Going To End Up With Lying And Hypocrisy.

Osama Bin Laden Put Out A New Video. The Timing Of This Video Has Some People Upset, Three Days Before We Vote. It Looks Like He's Trying To Influence The Election. And I'll Tell You, It's Not Going To Work. Americans Know Osama Bin Laden Does Not Pick Our President. The Supreme Court Does.

The Democrats Are Very Bad At Selling Their Own Product. The Republicans Are Geniuses At It. And I've Said It Before, A Bad Product Well Apologized For Is Superior In This Country To A Good Product.

I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Want It To Be Better. The Only Way We Can Get It To Be Better Is To Realistically Criticize What's Wrong With It.

Americans Are Gluttons. We Shop With Forklifts. We Have A Holiday Where We Stuff Food Into Other Food. Our Strippers Wrestle In Jell-o, Where Other Countries Have To Use Mud.

I Understand We're On Our Way To Being A Third World Country. Could We Just Stop At 'second World' Before We Get There?

Cleavage Is To A Man What Power Is To A Woman.

Government - They Used To Teach It In College. It's Actually Something You Should Study And Learn And Know How To Do. The Republicans Always Run On The Idea That Government Isn't Very Effective. Well, Not The Way You Do It. But It Can Be Effective.

In America, If A Democrat Even Thinks You're Calling Him Liberal He Grabs An Orange Vest And A Rifle And Heads Into The Woods To Kill Something.

North Korea Has The Same Ability To Launch A Nuclear Strike Against America As I Do. It's Like Walking Through A Parking Lot And Getting Barked At By A Chihuahua Locked In A Car.

When Those Myths Were Created, When The Bible Was Written, Man Didn't Know What An Atom Or A Germ Was, Or Where The Sun Went At Night, Or Why The Women Got Pregnant. [laughs.] They Needed Stories To Answer The Questions.

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

Anything Is Depressing If You Dwell On It. The Fact That Religion Could End The World? Yeah, I Guess That Could Be Considered Depressing. But Considering That There's Also A Lot To Laugh At, I Think It's A Good Balance.

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Karolina Kurkova

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