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Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

-Bill Maher

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Trying To Get Today's

Bill Maher

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Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

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When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

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Here's The Thing About Donald Trump: He Never Apologizes. He's Never Wrong, No Matter What Crazy Thing He Says. He's Totally - He's The White Kanye.

We Don't Really Have To Make Fun Of Religion - It Makes Fun Of Itself.

It's Understandable Why A Minority That Was Treated As Badly As Blacks In This Country Have Been For So Long Would, When They Finally Found Themselves On Top, Brag About It And Want To Shout From The Rooftops.

The Senate Decided They Will Be Smoke-free. They Ordained That All Public Areas In The Senate Are Now Smoke-free. However, The Senators Themselves Will Still Be Allowed To Blow Smoke Up Each Other's Asses.

Tea Party Has Now Cost The Republicans 5 Senate Seats. My Next Donation Is Going To Them.

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When I See The Toothless Guy, As A Liberal, What I Say Is, 'i Want To Help You Get Teeth.' Why Does That Make Me An A**hole?

Rick Santorum Said This Week That His 12-year-old Could Out-reason Me About God. Look, I Am Not About To Debate A Home-schooled 12-year-old. I Have Enough Trouble With Sarah Palin.

To Me, Being Brave Is An Element That Is So Important With Stand-up Comedy. It's Not Essential. There Are Many Comics Who Were Just Funny, And That's Fine, Too. But That's Never Been What I Was Trying To Do In Comedy. I Was Always Trying To Do Something That Involved Not Pandering To The Audience.

If I Thought The Lord Was Speaking To Me I'd Check Myself Into Bellevue, And I Think You Should Too.

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

Death Is The Monster We All Fear, Yet With Each Day, We Walk Toward It, And Can't Help Doing So; We Can't Help But Walk Toward The One Thing We're Most Trying To Avoid.

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New Rule: Someone Must X-ray My Stomach To See If The Peeps I Ate On Easter Are Still In There, Intact And Completely Undigested. And I'm Not Talking About This Past Easter. I'm Talking About The Last Time I Celebrated Easter, In 1962.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

I Think The News People No Longer Have Any Idea Of What Covering The News Is.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

I Have Always Defined Political Correctness As An Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth.

New Rule: Someone Has To Tell Francesco Schettino That Embracing A Callous Policy Of "every Man For Himself" Doesn't Make You A Sea Captain. It Makes You The Republican Nominee.

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The Only Thing I Hate Worse Than Prophecy Is Self-fulfilling Prophecy

It's A Good Time To Say "oh" And Take Stock And Say, "gee, How Was I Ethically This Year?" That's The Problem With Faith, Joe. What It Does Is It Kind Of Screws Up Your Priorities. Your Priorities Shouldn't Be Saving Your Own Ass, Which Is The Focus Of Christianity. The Focus Should Be, I'm A Good Person, And I Do That Just For The Sake Of Being Good. Like The Christmas Song Says, "be Good For Goodness' Sake."

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

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[the Republicans] Are Always Asking The Muslims To Denounce Their Extremists. And I Agree With Them. But They Don't Take That Note And Do It Among Their Own. They Don't Denounce Their Own Extremists.

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I Think America Causes Cancer, Longevity Is Less Important Than Fun, And Young People Should Be Discouraged From Voting.

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I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

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The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight.

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I Don't Say That I'm An Atheist. I Don't Like That Term, Because I Think It Mirrors The Certitude Of Religion. I Say I Don't Know. And If You Don't Know - And You Don't - Just Man Up And Say You Don't Know. Don't Turn To Silly Stories And Ancient Myths.

Americans Are Finally Coming To A Point Where They're Accepting Of Religious Criticism, Is Because George Bush Is The First President Who Really Put Religion So Front-and-center. He's The Most Christ-y President We've Ever Had - And He Is, Not Uncoincidentally, The Biggest Disaster We've Ever Had. I Think Even People Who Are Religious Don't Like It Shoved Down Their Throat. I Think People Kind Of Get It On A Certain Level, That This Is An Antiscience Administration, And We're Living In A Time Where We Can't Afford To Be Antiscience - For Environmental Reasons, For Educational Reasons.

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The American People Don't Really Care What Side Of An Issue You're On. They Just Don't Want You To Act Like A Pussy.

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Jesus, As A Philosopher Is Wonderful. There's No Greater Role Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ. It's Just A Shame That Most Of The People Who Follow Him And Call Themselves Christians Act Nothing Like Him.

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

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Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

More Astronauts Have Been To The Moon Than Farmers Who Paid The Inheritance Tax In 2013.

Religions Are Maintained By People. People Who Can't Get Laid, Because Sex Is The First Great Earthly Pleasure. But If You Can't Get That, Power Is A Pretty Good Second One. And That's What Religion Gives To People. Power. Power Is Sex For People Who Can't Get Or Don't Want Or Aren't Any Good At Sex Itself.

Republicans Are Taking The Defeat Over Health Care As Well As Tiger Woods Took To Marriage.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

It's So Easy To Demagogue The Issue And Make Someone Who Speaks Out Against The Internal-combustion Engine Sound Like An Insane Communist, When The Truth Is That The Internal-combustion Engine Is The Biggest Threat To My Life In The Next 25 Years, In Terms Of What It's Doing To Our Environment And How It's Depleting The Ozone Layer And So Forth.

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."

You Know, If You're An American And You're Born At This Time In History Especially, You're Lucky. We All Are. We Won The World History Powerball Lottery...

Is It [hunting] Really A Sport If You Have All The Equipment And Your Opponent Doesn't Know A Game Is Going On?

This Has Been A Learning Experience For Me. I Also Thought That Privacy Was Something We Were Granted In The Constitution. I Have Learned From This When In Fact The Word Privacy Does Not Appear In The Constitution.

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

To A Coward, Courage Always Looks Like Stupidity.

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

Why Is Monotheistic Faith Better Than Polytheistic? I Mean, Either You Believe - If You Believe In, Like, A Magic Person Who Can Do Magic Things, Why Is It Different - So Different If It's Superman Or The Fantastic Four?

Newt Gingrich...is Absolutely For Bombing Iran And For Lowering Gas Prices. And I've Just To Say, You Can't Be For Both. They Are Diametrically Opposed.

The Difference, I Think, That Matters Is Which Of The Religions Are Dangerous. They're All Crazy, But Which Ones Have The Potential To Turn That Into Death. In That Area, I Think We Have To Worry The Most About The Muslims And The Christians

We Don't Do Sensible Things. This Is America.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee And Tom Tancredo - Those Were The Three Guys Who Said They Do Not Believe In Evolution. The Irony Will Be On Them When Their Campaigns Die Off In Favor Of Stronger, Fitter Campaigns.

Religion, It Stops People From Thinking Because They Think All The Answers Are In That One Book; It Impedes Progress; It Justifies Crazy People. Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative.

Only 42 Percent Of Republicans Believe Obama Was Born In The United States. That's An Amazing Statistic. How Come In America Christians Are The Only Ones Who Won't Take Anything On Faith?

As A Loyal American And I Think A Patriotic American, No, I Don't Want Sarah Palin To Be President.

Trusting The Government To Monitor Your Calls Without Listening. It's Kind Of Like Trusting Chris Christie To Pick Up The Mcdonald's And Not Eat The Fries On The Way Home.

The Nypd Must Stop Acting Like The Only Thing Black People Do Is Run From Them And Shoot At Them. Believe It Or Not There Are Some Black New Yorkers Who Won't Run And Can't Shoot -- They're Called The #‎ Knicks .

There's More Than One Mosque In The World That Used To Be A Church And Before That Was A Temple. Because It's A Lot Easier To Just Change The Sign On The Top And Say Under New Management Than It Is To Change The Whole Building.

If You Believe That The World Is Going To Come To An End - And Perhaps Any Day Now - Does It Not Drain One's Motivation To Improve Life On Earth While We're Here?

Americans Are Used To Being Pandered To And Spoon-fed Everything. In A Culture That Needs Caffeine-free Cherry Chocolate Diet Coke, You'd Best Deliver Information With Entertainment.

That's Ended, That's Over. I Want You To Meet My Pimps. I Thought, I'm A Show-business Ho Already, So I Might As Well Be A Real Ho.

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

Now People Want Brian Williams To Resign, But It Could Have A Happy Ending. Apparently What He Said Was Such A Blatant Departure From The Truth, Today He Got An Offer From Fox News.

Rick Santorum Has Come Out Against Contraception And Against College. He Wants Us Literally To Be F**king Stupid.

Heroin May Be Bad, But It Sure As Hell Hasn't Hurt My Cd Collection.

The Country Has Become Much More Conservative, Partly Because It's Been Taken Over By The Religious Right.

Doctors Said That The Test Most Commonly Used To Screen For Colon Cancer Doesn't Go Far Enough. They're Recommending A Procedure That Involves Photographing The Entire Colon. I Say, Don't Vie Cbs An Idea For Another Reality Show.

Republicans Look To Find The Future And They Find Radio.

When Sex Is Good Theres Nothing Better, When Its Bad Its Not Bad.

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

Over The Last 30 Odd Years, Democrats Have Moved To The Right And The Right Has Moved Into The Mental Hospital. So What We Have Is One Perfectly Good Party For Hedge Fund Managers, Credit Card Companies, Banks, Defense Contractors, Big Agriculture And The Pharmaceutical Lobby... That's The Democrats. And They Sit Across The Aisle From A Small Group Of Religious Lunatics, Flat-earthers And Civil War Re-enactors Who Mostly Communicate By Am Radio And Call Themselves The Republicans And Who Actually Worry That Obama Is A Socialist. Socialist? He's Not Even A Liberal.

Shouldn't We Be Against Procreation At This Point In Time? With Overpopulation And The Strain On The Resources On This Planet? Shouldn't We Reward People Who Don't Spawn?

Don't Wear Bacon Cologne. If You Put On...you Know What? Screw It. Wear It. If You Are The Type Of Guy Who Is Tempted To Wear Bacon Cologne, It's Not Like You Could Get Laid Any Less.

We've Been On A Long Break And I've Just Been Kicking Back, Doing Nothing. Like Our Government.

You Can't Get Saved If You Don't Play.

In Republican Fantasy World, Everything Is Always Obama's Fault. Somehow, He's Weak And He's Ineffective, And Yet He Pulls The Strings On Everything In The World.

Mitt Romney, Who Is On Record Saying That He Would Not Waste Money Going After Bin Laden, And On Record Saying He Would Not Violate Pakistan's Border To Get Bin Laden, This Week Said, 'of Course I Would Have Gotten Bin Laden.' Even His Etch-a-sketch Went, Seriously?

That Mitt Romney, He Is A Master Campaigner. This Week He Was Introducing His Wife, And He Said, 'she Is The Heavyweight Champion Of My Life.” Which May Explain Why On The Ride Home, He Was Strapped To The Roof Of The Car.

New Rule: All Fox News Employees Must Now Refer To President Bush As "my Liege". If They Are Going To Treat President Bush Like He's An Infallible King, They Need To Start Addressing Him As If He Was An Infallible King. And They Can Do This By Addressing Him As "my Liege".

Arnold Was On The 'today' Show Today, He Was A Little Light On Specifics. He Said He Could Solve California's $38 Billion Budget Deficit, Without Cutting Spending Or Raising Taxes Because There Was A Third Way. What Is It? Let's Just Say It Involves A Robot Going Back In Time To Convince Gray Davis To Go Into Dentistry.

Look, I Have Never Made A Secret Of The Fact That I Have Tried Marijuana... About 50,000 Times.

We Have The Bill Of Rights. What We Need Is A Bill Of Responsibilities.

I Don't Want To Start A Movement That Mirrors Religion. I Don't Want To Create The Church Of The Non-believers Where I'm The Preacher And We're All Gathering Together And Reciting Things.

Hey Birthers, Wanna Hear My Theory? My Theory Was That Obama Was Born In America And You Were Born With The Umbilical Cord Around Your Neck.

The President Is Not Doing Well With African Americans. His Popularity Rating - His Approval Rating - With Blacks: Two Percent. Two Percent. That Is Somewhere Between Mark Fuhrman And Sickle Cell Anemia.

Approval Rating

John Kerry Made A Joke About Bush Being A Moron, And Now Bush Wants Morons To Think It Was A Joke Was About The Troops. ... Now, John Kerry Has Apologized. He Said He Made A Botched Joke And Admitted That He Has A Joking Problem. He Has Checked Into An Improv Group And Revealed That As A Child, He Was Molested By A Clown.

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

Rick Perry Said Obama's Suggestions For Gun Control Disgust Him. He Said The Real Answer To This Problem Isn't Laws, It's Prayer. You Know, I Know You're Not Supposed To Say This About Elected Officials, But I Would Pay To See Rick Perry Defend Himself Against A School Shooter With Prayer.

I Want To See Riots! I Want To See The Kind Of Riots Where Cab Drivers Are Afraid To Pick Up White People! I Want To See This Guy!

Whenever The People Are For Gay Marriage Or Medical Marijuana Or Assisted Suicide, Suddenly The 'will Of The People' Goes Out The Window.

The New York Times - But The Whole Country Gives It That Weight. It's Like The Asian Kid In Math Class. Everybody In The Media Cheats Off The New York Times.

People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

When You Hear A Lobby Called Partnership For A Drug-free America, Just Remember - They Do Not Want A Drug Free America. They Want An America Free Of Drugs That Are Their Competitors.

Let's Make A Law That Gay People Can Have Birthdays, But Straight People Get More Cake - You Know, To Send The Right Message To Kids.

The Federal Government... Announced A Plan To Spend, Like, A Trillion Of Taxpayer Dollars To Buy Out Bad Mortgages And Debt. Wall Street Was Surprisingly Enthusiastic About The Plan To Save Their (butts) With Other Peoples' Money. It Was Either That, Or Sarah Palin's Idea To Sell It All On Ebay.

Don't Call Me When You're Stuck In Traffic. It's Not My Fault That Radio Sucks And Did It Ever Occur To You That There Wouldn't Be So Much Traffic If People Like You Put Down The Phone And Concentrated On The Road... Besides I Can't Talk Now, I'm In The Car Behind You Trying To Watch A Dvd.

To All Conservative Women Out There: If You Are So Sure The Embryo Needed For Stem Cell Research Are Precious Human Life That Can't Be Destroyed, Then Implant One In Your Uterus And Bring It To Term. That's Right, Put Your Cervix Where Your Mouth Is.

There's No Greater Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ.

If You Want To Get Rich With A Tax Free Enterprise That Sells Nothing, Start A Church.

What Is With This Campy Fixation On All Things Ronald Reagan? They Talk About Him The Way Gay People Talk About Barbra Streisand. I Think They Want Him On A Stamp So They Can Lick His Ass. I Think They Wanted To Name Airports After Him So They Can Say, "i'm Coming Into Reagan!"

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

I Don't Understand Why The Police Are Infallible. They Remind Me A Lot Of The Catholic Church.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

Catholicism Has Changed Tremendously In Recent Years. Now When Communion Is Served There Is Also A Salad Bar.

This Is The Worst Thing To Happen To Beaches Since The Speedo.

When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

I Always Say People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right. I Like To Be Nice Too, But Come On. People Frequently Ask Me, What Is My Definition Of Politically Correct. My Answer Is Always The Same: The Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth. People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right, Rather Be Sensitive Than True. Well, Being Nice And Sensitive Are Important, But They're Not More Important Than Being Right; They're Not More Important Than The Truth.

Karl Rove Described Obama As "the Guy At The Country Club With The Beautiful Date, Holding A Martini, And Making Snide Comments About Everyone Who Passes By." Unlike George Bush, Who's The Guy At The Country Club Who Makes Snide Comments, And Then Passes Out. Now This Characterization, Of Course, Was Something Mr. Rove Just Completely Pulled Out Of His Bulbous, Gelatinous A$$, But Remember This Is America, A Land Where People Believe Anything They Hear.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

Jesus Is Not A Candle. A Company In South Dakota Is Selling Candles With The Scent Of Jesus. You Light One And Your Friends Says, Christ, What's That Smell?

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

It's All Been Satirized For Your Protection.

Rational People, Anti-religionists, Must End Their Timidity And Come Out Of The Closet And Assert Themselves. And Those Who Consider Themselves Only Moderately Religious Really Need To Look In The Mirror And Realize That The Solace And Comfort That Religion Brings You Actually Comes At A Terrible Price.

Anyone Who Tells You That They Know, They Just Know What Happens When You Die, I Promise You, You Dont. How Can I Be So Sure? Because I Dont Know And You Do Not Possess Mental Powers That I Do Not.

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

March Madnesss...the Only Place Where You Hear 'kansas Is Advancing.'

You're Either A Rationalist, Or You're Not. And The Good News Is A Recent Poll Found 20% Of Adults Under 30 Say They Are Rationalists, And Have Figured Out That Santa Claus And Jesus Are Really The Same Guy. Now, 20% Is Hardly A Majority. But It's A Bigger Minority Than Blacks, Jews, Homosexuals, Nra Members, Teachers, Or Seniors... And It's Certainly Enough To Stop Being Shy About Expressing The Opinion That We're Not The Crazy Ones!

You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

Laughter Is Sort Of A Natural Truth Detector. If You Laugh At Something, It's Probably Because There Was Some Truth In It.

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About...religion Is Dangerous Because It Allows Human Beings, Who Don't Have All The Answers, To Think That They Do.

When Opportunity Knocks All Some People Can Do Is Complain About The Noise.

It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

Edward Snowden Gave A Little Press Conference Today. He Is Apparently Seeking Temporary Asylum In Russia. Because, You Know, When You're Tired Of The Government Snooping Into Everything You Do, Putin's Russia Is Definitely The Place You Want To Go.

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

Eric Holder, Our Attorney General, Says The Mr. Snowden Will Be Brought To Justice. Just As Soon As We Can Find Someone Who Can Track His Calls And Read His Emails.

I Just Don't Think A Lot Of Republicans Like It When Single Women Have Sex.

False Hope Really Makes You Cynical.

A Group Of Cuban Americans Denounced The Castro Government As A Fascist Regime That Monitors And Scrutinized Its Citizens' Everyday Existence. And Then They Excused Themselves To Go Watch Big Brother.

Suicide Is Man's Way Of Telling God, 'you Can't Fire Me - I Quit.'

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

This Is My Question For Conservatives: Don't You Want To Live, Too?

Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo This Week And He Was Bitten By A Penguin. Newt Gingrich Is Always Campaigning At Zoos. Mitt Romney Once Did A Photo Op At A Zoo. That Was A Big Mistake, Because He Stood Next To The Chameleon, And He Changed Colors.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

Who Takes Care Of Their People Better? Fema Or Hezbollah?

They Are Having A Panel Look Into The Intelligence Failures In Iraq. It Is A Seven-person Panel And It Will Include Senator John Mccain, But The Findings From This Panel Will Not Be Issued Until After The Election. President Bush Says The Commission Can Go Off And Report Back In A Year, You Know, The Same Way It Works In The Texas National Guard.

One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

Their [republicans] Approach To A Woman's Body Is The Same As Their Approach To The Economy: They Have No Idea How It Works, But They're Eager To Screw With It Anyway.

The Politicians Are No Prizes, But The People Are Even Worse, They're So Ill-informed. I Never Understand The Pushback When I Say People Are Stupid.

North Korea Has The Same Ability To Launch A Nuclear Strike Against America As I Do. It's Like Walking Through A Parking Lot And Getting Barked At By A Chihuahua Locked In A Car.

I Feel Like I'm Wearing Orthopedic Shoes, Because I Stand Corrected.

There Were Two Republican Responses To The State Of The Union. So If You Watched The Whole Night, It Was Kind Of Evolution In Reverse. You Have Obama, Then Paul Ryan, And Then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet Had A Squirrel Monkey Give His Take.

I Always Compare Marriage To Communism. They're Both Institutions That Don't Conform To Human Nature, So You're Going To End Up With Lying And Hypocrisy.

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

There Are Two Things That You Have To Lie To Get Through. One Is Politics, And The Other Is Marriage.

If You, The Citizen, Deliberately Vote For Someone Who Won't Give You Healthcare Over Someone Who Will, You Need To Have Your Head Examined. Except You Can't Afford To Have Your Head Examined.

There Are People Who Think Everything Is A Conspiracy And I Think They're Crazy.

Just Because Your Tattoo Has Chinese Characters In It Doesn't Make You Spiritual. It's Right Above The Crack Of Your Ass, And It Translate To Beef With Broccoli. The Last Time You Did Anything Spiritual, You Were Praying To God You Weren't Pregnant. You're Not Spiritual. You're Just High.

Yes, In Baseball When The Team Stinks, You Fire The Manager. But You Don't Fire Him Because It Rains. And You Don't Let The Opposing Team Choose A New Manager For You. And You Don't Fire Him Between Innings. And Replace Him With A Viennese Weightlifter.

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