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There Were Two Republican Responses To The State Of The Union. So If You Watched The Whole Night, It Was Kind Of Evolution In Reverse. You Have Obama, Then Paul Ryan, And Then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet Had A Squirrel Monkey Give His Take.

-Bill Maher

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There Were Two Republican

Bill Maher

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There Were Two Republican Responses To The State Of The Union. So If You Watched The Whole Night, It Was Kind Of Evolution In Reverse. You Have Obama, Then Paul Ryan, And Then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet Had A Squirrel Monkey Give His Take.

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'the Lorax,'...it's A Mythical, Woodland Creature, Right, Who's For Saving Trees. He Speaks For The Trees Because No One Else Can. Kind Of The Way Conservatives Speak For Fetuses.

What Is "martinizing" And Why Does It Only Take One Hour?

If You Came Into The Theater Believing In The Talking Snake, It's Kind Of Hard To Leave The Theater Still Believing In The Talking Snake.

Oh, America! I Could Never Leave You! You're Like My Dog, Dumb As A Post But You Make Me Laugh!

Sarah Palin Should Not Be On Vacation. She Should Be In Summer School.

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If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

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A Flu Shot Just Compromises Your Immune System.

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

I Like Groaning. That Means That You're Not Pandering To Their Already Settled Prejudices.

Don't Wear Bacon Cologne. If You Put On...you Know What? Screw It. Wear It. If You Are The Type Of Guy Who Is Tempted To Wear Bacon Cologne, It's Not Like You Could Get Laid Any Less.

What We Don't Know Is About Jeb Bush And Cocaine. But We Do Know That He Did Once Had His Brother Florida On A Silver Platter.

White People Have Always Shown Their Superiority Over Blacks With Their Feet, Moving Out Of Black Neighborhoods With The Fear That Their Kids Will Turn Into One Of Them. And Now, Through The Magic Of Mtv, Damned If It Didn't Turn Out That Way!

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

Rush Limbaugh, Who Has Made A Career Preaching That Anybody Who Does Drugs Has Got To Go Right To Jail - Do Not Pass Go, No Questions Asked, Right To Jail - Gets Caught Doing Thirty Oxycontin A Day. Thirty Oxycontin?! Do You Have Any Idea How High That Is?! I Don't, And I've Been Pretty High!

I Don't Believe In A Lot Of Things From The Bronze Age, But An Eye For An Eye Does Make A Sort Of Symmetrical Sense To Me. I Really Believe That If Somebody Takes A Life, That [death Penalty] Is What They Should Get. I Also Think It's A Lot More Humane Than Keeping People In A Cage For The Rest Of Their Life.

A Flu Shot Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

There's A New Ipad Out...people Are Going Nuts For This Thing...and, Today, Mitt Romney Said, 'it's A Flat Piece Of White Plastic. If You Can Love It, Why Not Me?'

Idiots Must Stop Claiming That Atheism Is A Religion. Religion Is Defined As The Belief In And Worship Of A Superhuman Controlling Power. And Atheism Is… Precisely Not That. Atheism Is A Religion Like Abstinence Is A Sex Position

I Think America Causes Cancer, Longevity Is Less Important Than Fun, And Young People Should Be Discouraged From Voting.

This Country Hates Professors. It Likes Toby Keith - 'i'm Gonna Put A Boot In Their Ass.' If You Don't Do That, Somehow You Can't Be Strong.

When You Hear A Lobby Called Partnership For A Drug-free America, Just Remember - They Do Not Want A Drug Free America. They Want An America Free Of Drugs That Are Their Competitors.

I Don't Understand Why The Police Are Infallible. They Remind Me A Lot Of The Catholic Church.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

What's Going To Be Hard For The United States Is That Our Policy For A Long Time Has Been A Two-state Solution; The Palestinians Should Have Their Own State. Now, The Palestinians Are Going To The U.n. And Saying, 'we're Having The U.n. Vote To Say We Have Our Own State. Well, If That's Your Policy, United States Of America, Why Are You Vetoing It?' Which We Will Do.

You Know What Happens When Windmills Collapse Into The Sea? A Splash.

A Cult Is A Cult, And That's What A Frat Is. A Place Where They Strip You Of Your Personality And Rebuild It In Their Image.

Osama Bin Laden Put Out A New Video. The Timing Of This Video Has Some People Upset, Three Days Before We Vote. It Looks Like He's Trying To Influence The Election. And I'll Tell You, It's Not Going To Work. Americans Know Osama Bin Laden Does Not Pick Our President. The Supreme Court Does.

Nobody In America Who Wants Pot Has Any Trouble Getting It, So Maybe That's Why We Aren't Seeing Support For Legalization. People Don't Think It's Necessary To Legalize It, Because It's So Easy To Get It.

I Don't Know If You Heard The News, But Wall Street Now Is A Farmer's Market. I Don't Want To Say Things Are Going Downhill Quickly, But Obama's New Campaign Slogan Is 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Days Ago?'

In This Country, A Smart Leader Is Suspect. That's Just The Way It Is. Even George Bush's Father, Who Was A Lot Smarter Than The Son, Had To Sort Of Prove That He Wasn't That Bright.

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

Recognition Is One Of The Three Big Elements Of Comedy.

Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

Atheism Is A Religion The Way Abstinence Is A Sex Position.

Little Do Women Know What Big Ideas I Have In My Pants.

If You Can Look At A Crime Where Everything Points To One Answer And Not See It, You're A Dumb-ass. And If You Can Look At The Deficit And Not See That The Problem Is That The Rich Stopped Paying Taxes, You're A Republican.

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

I Never, Ever In My Life Tried To Be Outrageous. I've Only Ever Tried To Say What Was Truly On My Mind And Not Pull Punches About It.

Religion Is Bad And Drugs Are Good.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

Love Does Not Conquer All.

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

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