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Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."

-Bill Maher

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Hot Women Have To

Bill Maher

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Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."

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I Do Miss George Bush. Compared To These Teabaggers And The People Who Are Pandering To Them, He Looks Like A Professor.

Sarah Palin Should Not Be On Vacation. She Should Be In Summer School.

Mitt Romney Was Attacking Obama About Our Failing Education System. He Has A Point. We Are Graduating Millions Of People In This Country Who Are So Lacking In Basic Analytical Skills, They Are Considering Voting For Mitt Romney.

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Americans Are Finally Coming To A Point Where They're Accepting Of Religious Criticism, Is Because George Bush Is The First President Who Really Put Religion So Front-and-center. He's The Most Christ-y President We've Ever Had - And He Is, Not Uncoincidentally, The Biggest Disaster We've Ever Had. I Think Even People Who Are Religious Don't Like It Shoved Down Their Throat. I Think People Kind Of Get It On A Certain Level, That This Is An Antiscience Administration, And We're Living In A Time Where We Can't Afford To Be Antiscience - For Environmental Reasons, For Educational Reasons.

I Love Trains. It's The Only Way To Travel Anymore Where It Doesn't Involve A Tsa Agent Slowly Tracing The Curve Of My Inner Thigh.

Republicans Look To Find The Future And They Find Radio.

The President Is Not Doing Well With African Americans. His Popularity Rating - His Approval Rating - With Blacks: Two Percent. Two Percent. That Is Somewhere Between Mark Fuhrman And Sickle Cell Anemia.

Approval Rating

Is It Like Gay Men Go Into The Priesthood Because They Figure, Well, This'll Solve My Problem. I Can't Be A Homosexual In The Priesthood; It'll Just Go Away. Maybe I'll Try It With The Republican Party.

New Rule: News Organizations Have To Stop Using The Phrase: "we Go Beyond The Headlines." That's Your Job, Dummy. You Don't See American Airlines Saying, "we Land Our Jets On The Runway"!

Lip-synching?! Let That Be A Lesson. If You Are In Washington, D.c., And You Open Your Mouth And Another Voice Comes Out, It Better Be The Nra, An Oil Company Or A Bank.

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

Sometimes I'm Dragging My Ass Out To The Airport At 8 A.m. On A Saturday And I'm Wondering Why I'm Doing This, But Once I Walk On Stage I Know Why...because I'm Addicted.

We Survived The 1980's. Back Then, The Economic Program Was Called 'trickle Down.' That Actually Meant They Were Pissing On You. How The Whole Theory Goes Was This: 'we Have All The Money. If We Drop Some, It's Yours. Go For It.'

You Can't Pray Away Global Warming, And That's The Difference Between Religious People And Sane People.

That's What American Democracy Has Come Down To At These Town Hall Meetings: Old People And Gun Nuts, Which Is A Terrible Combination. I Heard Somebody Yell 'ak-47!' And A Lady Yelled, 'bingo!'

The Dalai Lama Visited The White House And Told The President That He Could Teach Him To Find A Higher State Of Consciousness. Then After Talking To Bush For A Few Minutes, He Said, 'you Know What? Let's Just Grab Lunch.'

You Are What You Do. It's About Actions.

My Policy Is I Am Always More Than Happy To Say, "i'm Sorry If I Hurt Your Feelings." What I Am Not Willing To Do Is Take Back What I Said. Unless I Am Wrong.

Funny That All Of Nixon's Crimes - Anonymous Campaign Cash, Wiretapping, Undeclared Wars - Are All Legal Now. Discuss.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

I Think Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative. I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

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I ... Would Guess Maybe About One Or Two Out Of Five Men Is Suited For Marriage And Probably Four Out Of Five Women Are Better At Marriage Than Being Single And Would Like To Be Married.

It's Understandable Why A Minority That Was Treated As Badly As Blacks In This Country Have Been For So Long Would, When They Finally Found Themselves On Top, Brag About It And Want To Shout From The Rooftops.

To Most Christians, The Bible Is Like A Software License. Nobody Actually Reads It. They Just Scroll To The Bottom And Click 'i Agree'.

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The Only Silver Lining I Can Find Is That British Accents Aren't Sexy Anymore.

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I Was Brought Up Catholic And We Show My Mom, My Mother, My Sister And Then I Take Pains To Explain On Camera, That There Were Years After That Where I Wasn't Really Religious. I Certainly Wasn't A Catholic Anymore, But I Still Lived With Some Mythical Man In My Head. I Didn't Really Put A Name To A Face, But I Just Knew That If I Was In Trouble Or Scared I Would Go, 'oh God, Please Help Me Get Out Of This One.'

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It Just Seems Like Atheists Are Not Included In The Basket Of Diversity In America, Which Is Odd Because We Are The Biggest Minority. That Is A Bigger Minority Than Any Other Minority You Can Name.

Don't Say A Woman Is Crazy Just Because She Runs Away From Her Wedding.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Come Out Against Gay Marriage. He Said Marriage Is A Sacred Union Between A Groupie And Any Number Of Body Builders.

The Unemployment Rate Is Now At 9.2%, Which Is Scary, Because Experts Say 9.5 Is The Point At Which People Are Desperate Enough To Consider Michele Bachmann.

You're Not A Patriot Unless Even When You Lose, It's Still Your Country.

Obama Has Had More Fundraisers Than The Last Six Presidents Combined. And He's Still Losing In The Money Race!

Treason Is When Legislators Vote Against Homeland Security Measures Because It Goes Against The Wishes Of Their Political Or Financial Backers. Treason Is The Fact That, As A Terrorist, You Could Still Buy A Gun In This Country Because The Nra Lobby Is So Strong.

Why Is The Ama For 'obamacare'? If This Is Going To Hurt Doctors, Why Are They For 'obamacare'?

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The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight.

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You Can't Deny That Religion Has Done Some Good. It Organizes Lots Of Anti-poverty Programs And Soup Kitchens And Missionary Work. But I Would Say That, First Of All, All Those Things Can Be Accomplished Without Religion. You Can Be Ethical, Somebody Who Does The Right Thing Without Feeling That He Has To In Order To Get His Ass Saved In The Next Life.

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Meat Is Dirty. I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Without A Condom On It

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

If A President Must Constantly Remind The People That We're At War, Then We're Not.

A New Cologne Is Coming Out. It's For Cowboys, And It's Made From Cow's Manure. That Way The Women Will Be On You Like Flies!

Obama Is Not A Secret Kenyon, Or A Secret Muslim, He's A Secret Republican.

I Think The News People No Longer Have Any Idea Of What Covering The News Is.

We've Been On A Long Break And I've Just Been Kicking Back, Doing Nothing. Like Our Government.

Only Cowards Push A Button From Thousands Of Miles Away, Or Tens Of Thousands Of Feet Up, To Kill People Who Can't Possibly Fight Back.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Unless You Put A Condom On It! You Realize That The Job Of A Hot Dog Is To Use Parts Of The Animal That The Chinese Can't Figure Out How To Make Into A Belt?

Good Presidents, People Like George Bush, They Send People To War. They Don't Bring Them A Rescue. This Is America. We Rescue Insurance Companies And Banks.

I Don't Want To Start A Movement That Mirrors Religion. I Don't Want To Create The Church Of The Non-believers Where I'm The Preacher And We're All Gathering Together And Reciting Things.

You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

Guns Aren't Just A Tool Of Last Resort. They're Awesome. That's Why People Stroke Them. And Name Them, And Take Pictures With Them. You Guys Aren't Just Firearm Enthusiasts — You're Ammosexuals. And Before You Try And Deny You Have Some Sort Of Unnatural Romantic Relationship With Your Gun, Consider This. You're Taking It Out To Dinner! Because It Completes You. Get A Room.

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Mass Destruction

The Hollywood Executives Are, Like, ‘we’re Not Racist, We Just Have To Pretend To Be Racists Because We’re Capitalists. We Want To Sell Our Movies In China (and) They Don’t Like Kevin Hart.’

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

New Rule: If You Still Think Obama Is A Muslim, You Just Might Be A Redneck. A Christian Church In South Carolina Has A Sign Out Front That Says 'obama... Osama... Hmmm... Are They Brothers?' No, They're Not Brothers. In Fact, They're Not Even Related, Which Is More Than I Can Say For The Married Couples In Your Church.

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A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, Was Caught Flirting With A Woman Trolling For Dates On Craigslist And Sent Her A Shirtless Photo Of Himself. He Lied About His Age And His Marital Status. He Said He Was 39 And Divorced. He's 46 And Married, Though Being A Republican Congressman, I'm Guessing He's Really 60 And Gay.

Your Fuselage Shouldn't Open More Easily Than Your Pretzel Bag.

During The Depression, Or Back When We Were Fighting Hitler, People Didn't Have Time To Sue A Company If The Coffee Was Too Hot. There Were Urgent, Pressing Problems. If You Think You Have It Tough, Read History Books.

Cleavage Is To A Man What Power Is To A Woman.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

In An Average Moral Universal Society, Good People Will Try To Do The Right Thing, And Psychotic People Will Do Wicked Things. But If You Want To Make Good People Do Wicked Things, You Need Them To Be Religious.

Which Is Why I'd Like To Tip Off Law Enforcement To An Even Larger Child-abusing Religious Cult. Its Leader Also Has A Compound, And This Guy Not Only Operates Outside The Bounds Of The Law, But He Used To Be A Nazi And He Wears Funny Hats. That's Right, The Pope Is Coming To America This Week And Ladies, He's Single!

Wichita Falls, Texas Is Considering Using Toilet Water For Drinking. And A Dog There Today Said, 'white People's Problems.'

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When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

Faith Means Making A Virtue Out Of Not Thinking. It's Nothing To Brag About...religion Is Dangerous Because It Allows Human Beings, Who Don't Have All The Answers, To Think That They Do.

New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

Denying Racism Is The New Racism.

Karl Rove Described Obama As "the Guy At The Country Club With The Beautiful Date, Holding A Martini, And Making Snide Comments About Everyone Who Passes By." Unlike George Bush, Who's The Guy At The Country Club Who Makes Snide Comments, And Then Passes Out. Now This Characterization, Of Course, Was Something Mr. Rove Just Completely Pulled Out Of His Bulbous, Gelatinous A$$, But Remember This Is America, A Land Where People Believe Anything They Hear.

I Think Capital Punishment Works Great. Every Killer You Kill Never Kills Again.

People Are Either Good Or They're Not. Religion Doesn't Make Anybody Good, I Don't Think.

That's Ended, That's Over. I Want You To Meet My Pimps. I Thought, I'm A Show-business Ho Already, So I Might As Well Be A Real Ho.

Rick Santorum Doesn't Like Sex. He Doesn't Like The Pill. He Really Doesn't Like Condoms. He Said If Men Are Going To Pull Something On To Prevent Procreation, Nothing Works Better That A Sweater Vest.

Tea Party Has Now Cost The Republicans 5 Senate Seats. My Next Donation Is Going To Them.

Idiots Must Stop Claiming That Atheism Is A Religion. Religion Is Defined As The Belief In And Worship Of A Superhuman Controlling Power. And Atheism Is… Precisely Not That. Atheism Is A Religion Like Abstinence Is A Sex Position

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans Must Remember That Politicians Are Like A Box Of Chocolates. We Bite Into Them To Find Out What's On The Inside Only To Discover That Democrats Are Too Often Soft And Gooey And Republicans Are Mostly Nuts.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Is In Intensive Care. He's Suffering From A Severe Case Of Pancreatitis, Which They Can't Really Figure Out Because He's Not Really A Drinker. They Think He Might Have Picked Up Some Type Of Infection While Wiping His Ass With The Bill Of Rights.

I'm Okay With It Now That Obama’s In Office. I'm Kind Of Trusting Of Him. But President Ted Cruz? Where This Is Going Would Bother Me.

It Was Quite A Sight To See Obama Next To President Hu. Obama Has A Nobel Peace Prize In His Basement, And Hu Has A Nobel Peace Prize Winner In His.

And What Is The Republican Solution To These Outrageous [racial] Inequalities? There Isn't One. And That's The Point. Denying Racism Is The New Racism. To Not Acknowledge Those Statistics, To Think Of That As A 'black Problem' And Not An American Problem. To Believe, As A Majority Of Fox Viewers Do, That Reverse-racism Is A Bigger Problem Than Racism, That's Racist.

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

When You Get People Who Are Out Of Office, Suddenly Their Tongues Loosen Up And Suddenly They Say The Things That You Wish They'd Said Or Did When They Were In Office.

Sarah Palin's Whole Family Got Into A Drunken Public Fistfight. Something Police Are Calling A 'tragic Case Of Trash-on-trash Violence.'

The People Who Got Everything Wrong Are Back On Tv Talking About The Place They Got All Wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's Like Satan's Vip List For Hell.

Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."

The Federal Government... Announced A Plan To Spend, Like, A Trillion Of Taxpayer Dollars To Buy Out Bad Mortgages And Debt. Wall Street Was Surprisingly Enthusiastic About The Plan To Save Their (butts) With Other Peoples' Money. It Was Either That, Or Sarah Palin's Idea To Sell It All On Ebay.

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

Doctors Said That The Test Most Commonly Used To Screen For Colon Cancer Doesn't Go Far Enough. They're Recommending A Procedure That Involves Photographing The Entire Colon. I Say, Don't Vie Cbs An Idea For Another Reality Show.

I’m Supposed To Be All Re-injected With Yes-we-can Fever After The Big Health Care Speech, And It Was A Great Speech - When Black Elvis Gets Jiggy With His Teleprompter, There Is None Better. But Here’s The Thing: Muhammad Ali Also Had A Way With Words, But It Helped Enormously That He Could Also Punch Guys In The Face.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

My Father Was A News Guy, You Know, He Was In Radio News. And So That Was Sort Of In My Dna. It Was Something We Talked About At The Dinner Table When I Was A Kid.

You're Either A Rationalist, Or You're Not. And The Good News Is A Recent Poll Found 20% Of Adults Under 30 Say They Are Rationalists, And Have Figured Out That Santa Claus And Jesus Are Really The Same Guy. Now, 20% Is Hardly A Majority. But It's A Bigger Minority Than Blacks, Jews, Homosexuals, Nra Members, Teachers, Or Seniors... And It's Certainly Enough To Stop Being Shy About Expressing The Opinion That We're Not The Crazy Ones!

If The Hamas People Had The Opportunity, They Would Kill The Maximum Number Of Israelis, Which Would Be All. And, Israel Has The Opportunity To Kill Way More, And They Do Not.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

The Politicians Are No Prizes, But The People Are Even Worse, They're So Ill-informed. I Never Understand The Pushback When I Say People Are Stupid.

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

If Conservatives Don't Want To Be Seen As Bitter People Who Cling To Their Guns And Religion And Anti-immigrant Sentiments, They Should Stop Being Bitter And Clinging To Their Guns, Religion And Anti-immigrant Sentiments.

I'm Definitely Good. I'm Not Bad; I'm Extremely Honest, And I Allow No Bullshit To Pass By My Radar. And That Will Always Get Lots Of People Thinking You're A Jerk. But There Are People Who Appreciate Total Honesty And Questioning Of The Conformities In Our Society, And I'm Heroic To Those People. And I Should Be. It's An Indictment Of The Rest Of Society Who Doesn't Get That.

Emergency Rooms Will Be Used The Way They Were Intended To Be Used: Not For Primary Care, But For When The Average Freaky American Get Some Strange Object Up His Ass.

I Would Wager That The Number Of Civilians That Were Killed [in] A Typical Week Under Saddam Hussein Was Probably More Than We Killed During The Weeks We Were At War There.

I Think Religion Is A Neurological Disorder.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

False Hope Really Makes You Cynical.

New Rule: The People Of America Who Were Most In Favor Of The Iraq War Must Now Go There And Fight It.

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

Every Election, Roughly Half The Population Votes Democrat And The Other Half Votes Republican. Now, I Understand Why The Republicans Get One Percent Of The Vote - The Richest One Percent.that Other Percent, Someone Will Have To Explain To Me.

So Many Kids Are Fat Drug Addicts These Days, It's Almost As If Rush Limbaugh Had Puppies.

When You Tolerate Intolerance, You're Not Really Being A Liberal.

What Is Kanye West's Message? Like Most Rap, "i Am The Greatest Person Ever And You're Not." I Used To Call It Affirmative Action For The Ego.

Scientists Say An 8.9 Earthquake Here Could Knock Down Buildings, Flood Coastal Areas... And Improve The Roads.

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

Trump Is A Little Tone-deaf To The Average American. He Unveiled His Slogan This Week: 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Wives Ago?'

Mccain Was Introduced At The Convention Last Night By His Wife -- I Won't Say 'trophy Wife' -- But She Did $300,000 Worth Of Clothes And Jewelry On, No Matter To The Party Of The Little Guy. But Cindy Mccain Talked About How His Character, Honor And Integrity Made Him The Exact Kind Of Married Man She Was Looking To Pick Up At A Bar.

I Don't Understand How The Republican Party Is The Party With The Reputation For Fiscal Conservatism And Fiscal Sanity, When They're The Ones Who Run Up The Debt. It Was Reagan Who Ran Up The Debt And Now Bush Is Doing It Again, And In Between, Clinton And Bush's Father, I Must Say, Worked So Hard To Get That Deficit And That Debt Down.

People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

Sarah Palin Finally Heard What Happened In Japan And She's Demanding That We Invade 'tsunami.'

God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."

We Have The Bill Of Rights. What We Need Is A Bill Of Responsibilities.

You Can't Lie To Kids About Drugs. They Know About Drugs. You Can't Say They're Just All Bad. They Know Life Is A Little More Complicated. I Have Never Done Heroin. I Would Never Recommend Heroin, But It Hasn't Hurt My Record Collection.

Barack Obama Is The President Of The United States, A Politician In America, A Very Religious Country, So I Understand Why He Has To Pretend To Be A Religious Person Himself. I Say Pretend Because, I Can Only Hope That Someone As Bright As He, Wouldn't Really Believe That People Can Walk On Water And Ride A Winged Horse And Rain Frogs And You Can Change Water Into Wine.

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

As A Comedian, I Think We All Look For Those Areas Where The Truth Diverts From What People Are Saying. That's Why Politics Is Such A Rich Area For Us, Because Politicians Make Promises, And They Don't Keep Them, And When We Point Out The Difference, We Get The Laugh.

The Republicans Proved They Are Not The Party Of 'no.' They're The Party Of 'f**k, No!'

F. Scott Fitzgerald Has An Indespensible Quote: 'the Test Of A First-rate Intelligence Is The Ability To Hold Two Opposed Ideas In The Mind At Once And Still Retain The Ability To Function'. Or, As I Like To Call It, 'o.j. Killed His Wife, And The Police Are Corrupt.'

The People [in The Usa] Are Not Very Well Informed. They Certainly Don`t Know History. They Certainly Are Not Interested In Foreign Affairs Very Much, Unless It Comes Right To Their Doorstep. They All Learn History Through Wars. They Learn Geography Through Wars.

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

The Idea That Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus Is A Bunch Of Bullshit. Treat Her Like You Would A Friend, And You'll Wind Up With A Lover.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

I Do Think The Patriotic Thing To Do Is To Critique My Country. How Else Do You Make A Country Better But By Pointing Out Its Flaws?

I Think I Know Now Why We Are Occupying Iraq. In Case We Have To Sell America And Move To A Smaller Country.

Little Do Women Know What Big Ideas I Have In My Pants.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

When I Hear From People That Religion Doesn't Hurt Anything, I Say Really? Well Besides Wars, The Crusades, The Inquisitions, 9-11, Ethnic Cleansing, The Suppression Of Women, The Suppression Of Homosexuals, Fatwas, Honor Killings, Suicide Bombings, Arranged Marriages To Minors, Human Sacrifice, Burning Witches, And Systematic Sex With Children, I Have A Few Little Quibbles. And I Forgot Blowing Up Girl Schools In Afghanistan.

The Nypd Must Stop Acting Like The Only Thing Black People Do Is Run From Them And Shoot At Them. Believe It Or Not There Are Some Black New Yorkers Who Won't Run And Can't Shoot -- They're Called The #‎ Knicks .

The Eleventh Commandment: Don't Speak Ill Of A Fellow Republican. What If The Fellow Republican Is Doing Something That Hurts America? Isn't It The Patriot Who Sides With America Before He Sides With The Republicans?

Democrats Are Lame. The Media Is Lame. And Donald Trump Hasn't Even Played His War Card Yet. You Know, He Could Start A War And Get A Lot Of Support There.

Republicans Are Obsessed With Abortion...if They Really Wanted To Protect The Weakest, Most Helpless People, Wouldn't They Protect The Democrats?

I Was Watching Ashlee Simpson On Jay's Show Last Night... She Was Really Singing, And I Was Saying, 'bring Back The Lip Synch'... And It Struck Me That Ashlee Simpson Is A Lot Like George Bush - Because She Wouldn't Even Really Be In The Big Leagues If It Wasn't For Family Connections, And She's In Way Over Her Head. And She Doesn't Know What To Do. And She Blamed Her Band.

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

Tiger Woods Apologized To The Three Women In America He Never Got Around To Sleeping With.

Since The Icelandic Volcano Obviously Needs A Virgin Sacrifice And The Catholic Church Obviously Needs New Leadership The Pope Must Volunteer To Jump In The Volcano. Pontiff, Don't Think Of It As Endorsing Paganism, Think Of It As Supersizing Ash Wednesday.

We've Created Over 200,000 Jobs Every Month This Year. Hasn't Happened In 17 Years. I Guess My First Question Is, When Do The Republicans Stop Calling It 'obama's Economy'?

It's Very Well Known That The Republicans Have Problems With Minorities. The Democrats Have Big Problems With White People. Obama Only Got 39% Of The Vote. He Only Got 36% Of The Working-class White People.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

Obama Is Huge In The Polls These Days. His Popularity Is Soaring. Even Conservatives Are Coming Around. 30 Percent Of Them Now Believe Obama Deserves A Green Card.

How Can The Republicans Get Away With Picking Their Dennis Kucinich, But When - If The Democrats Tried It, All Hell Would Break Lose?

Americans Are Used To Being Pandered To And Spoon-fed Everything. In A Culture That Needs Caffeine-free Cherry Chocolate Diet Coke, You'd Best Deliver Information With Entertainment.

It Could Be Anything. It Could Be Jesus And It Could Be The Furby And It Could Be The Lint That Lives In My Navel, But It's Probably Not. Whatever It Is, I Doubt We As Humans On Earth Could Have Any Perception Of It While We're Here. So, Why Give Yourself A Headache Thinking About It. Just Be A Good Person. That's What An Ethicist Is.

The Public Is Gullible. ... If [many Satirists Are] Making The Same Joke, That's The Danger. Then There's A Solidifying Effect And It Becomes A Truth.

Just Honest. To Me, Being 'politically Incorrect' Means The Opposite Of Being Political -- Which Means To Spin Everything. That's All It's Ever Meant To Me. It's Never Meant Liberal Or Conservative. It Means Honest.

When You Look At Belief In Such Things - As Do You Go To Heaven, Is There A Devil - We Have More In Common With (muslin Countries) Turkey And Iran And Syria Than We Do With European Nations And Canada And Nations That, Yes, I Would Consider More Enlightened That Us.

To Those People Who Say, 'my Father Is Alive Because Of Animal Experimentation,' I Say, 'yeah, Well, Good For You. This Dog Died So Your Father Could Live.' Sorry, But I Am Just Not Behind That Kind Of Trade-off.

There's More Than One Mosque In The World That Used To Be A Church And Before That Was A Temple. Because It's A Lot Easier To Just Change The Sign On The Top And Say Under New Management Than It Is To Change The Whole Building.

Newt Gingrich...is Absolutely For Bombing Iran And For Lowering Gas Prices. And I've Just To Say, You Can't Be For Both. They Are Diametrically Opposed.

What I Believe In Is Love Your Neighbor As Yourself And Don't Call Him Stupid Because They Don't Agree With You Politically.

Oh, America! I Could Never Leave You! You're Like My Dog, Dumb As A Post But You Make Me Laugh!

Dealing W/ Hamas Is Like Dealing W/ A Crazy Woman Who’s Trying To Kill U – U Can Only Hold Her Wrists So Long Before You Have To Slap Her.

I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Want It To Be Better. The Only Way We Can Get It To Be Better Is To Realistically Criticize What's Wrong With It.

I Don't Think George Bush Is A Good President By Any Imagination, But When He Said, 'if You're Talking To Al-quaeda, We Want To Know What It's About,' It Just Proves One Thing: If You're President Long Enough, You Will One Day Say Something That Is True.

It's Been Over A Year Since They've Graduated, But Neither Of The Bush Twins Have Found Any Work. Why Don't They Sign Up (for Military Service In Iraq)? Do They Hate America, Or Just Freedom In General?

This Is The Worst Thing To Happen To Beaches Since The Speedo.

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

Don't You Miss The Days When America Was Just Morally Bankrupt?

Sarah Palin Has Strong Opinions On The Libyans. She Said, 'marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman And Libyans Like Rachel Maddow Are What's Ruining This Country.'

Only 42 Percent Of Republicans Believe Obama Was Born In The United States. That's An Amazing Statistic. How Come In America Christians Are The Only Ones Who Won't Take Anything On Faith?

The Tea Baggers, They're Not A Movement, They're A Cult.... Cults Tend To Populate From Within, Encouraging Members To Have Huge Broods Of Children And To Give Them Strange Names, Like Moonbeam, And Trig.

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

Bush The Younger Has Two Things Going For Him That His Father Never Had. One: An Easy Charm With Regular People And Two: The Power To Make Them Disappear Without A Trial.

Don't Vote For Republicans Or Democrats Until They Clean Up The Open System Of Bribery That We Live Under.

Between Trying To Impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, And The Recall In California, I'm Beginning To Think That Republicans Will Do Anything To Win An Election-except Get The Most Votes.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

I Thought This Election Was An Adult Discussion On How Best To Protect Ourselves In The Face Of Terrorism, But Apparently It Was A Referendum On Boys Kissing... When Homophobia Trumps Terrorism In America, Wow. This Country Needs To Get Laid.

I Hear A Lot Of Talk Today About Xenophobia. Is It Really Phobia If You Have Something To Be Afraid Of?

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