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Karl Rove Described Obama As "the Guy At The Country Club With The Beautiful Date, Holding A Martini, And Making Snide Comments About Everyone Who Passes By." Unlike George Bush, Who's The Guy At The Country Club Who Makes Snide Comments, And Then Passes Out. Now This Characterization, Of Course, Was Something Mr. Rove Just Completely Pulled Out Of His Bulbous, Gelatinous A$$, But Remember This Is America, A Land Where People Believe Anything They Hear.

-Bill Maher

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Karl Rove Described Obama

Bill Maher

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Karl Rove Described Obama As "the Guy At The Country Club With The Beautiful Date, Holding A Martini, And Making Snide Comments About Everyone Who Passes By." Unlike George Bush, Who's The Guy At The Country Club Who Makes Snide Comments, And Then Passes Out. Now This Characterization, Of Course, Was Something Mr. Rove Just Completely Pulled Out Of His Bulbous, Gelatinous A$$, But Remember This Is America, A Land Where People Believe Anything They Hear.

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If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

If The Hamas People Had The Opportunity, They Would Kill The Maximum Number Of Israelis, Which Would Be All. And, Israel Has The Opportunity To Kill Way More, And They Do Not.

You Can Refer To God And You Are Really Just Talking About Nature. If You Are Going To Say The Universe Is God, Then Everything Is God, Everything Is Religion. But When We Explore Traditional Religion We Are Talking About Humanistic Gods People Pray To, That They Think Can Intervene In Our Lives, Who Run Sort Of A Heaven-and-hell Operation For The Afterworld.

I Would Describe My Spirituality As Exactly The Opposite Of Having A Religious Affiliation.

A Lot Of Good Has Come From Drugs. I Think 'penny Lane' Is Worth 10 Dead Kids. Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. Because A Lot Of Kids Wouldn't Even Be Born If It Weren't For That Album, So It Evens Out.

Herman Cain Answered The Wall Street Protesters, And He Had A Message For These Protesters. He Said, 'if You Don't Have A Job, If You're Not Rich, Don't Blame Wall Street, Don't Blame The Banks, Blame Yourself.' And A Nation Of Out Of Work Teabaggers Said, 'yeah! Hey, Wait A Minute.'

New Polls Show That Obama Is Now Pulling Away From Mitt Romney. And, Of Course, What Could Be More Natural Than To See Mitt Romney And Pull Away?

If You Believe That The World Is Going To Come To An End - And Perhaps Any Day Now - Does It Not Drain One's Motivation To Improve Life On Earth While We're Here?

Mitt Romney Comes From A Mormon Background. I Don't Know How Many Wives He Has. I'm Not Saying That I Believe In That, I'm Just Saying He Was Born On A Mormon Compound. I'm Not A 'wifer' But For Some Reason He's Never Shown His Original Marriage Certificate.

Jesus, As A Philosopher Is Wonderful. There's No Greater Role Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ. It's Just A Shame That Most Of The People Who Follow Him And Call Themselves Christians Act Nothing Like Him.

Republicans Have Become The Party Of Red, White And Blue Rose Colored Glasses. By Drowning Out Criticism With Usa! Usa!, They Prevent This Country From Healing Itself Where It Needs Healing, And That Is The Opposite Of Country First.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

Donald Trump Announced He Got His Own Segment Every Monday Morning On Fox News. Just What Fox News Needs - Another Blonde Airhead.

Since The Icelandic Volcano Obviously Needs A Virgin Sacrifice And The Catholic Church Obviously Needs New Leadership The Pope Must Volunteer To Jump In The Volcano. Pontiff, Don't Think Of It As Endorsing Paganism, Think Of It As Supersizing Ash Wednesday.

We Are A Nation That Is Unenlightened Because Of Religion. I Do Believe That. I Think That Religion Stops People From Thinking. I Think It Justifies Crazies.

Don't You Think That Being A Person Of Faith Has Become A Third Rail In American Politics? If You Want To Run For President Nowadays, You'd Better Get Out There And Say You're A Very Faith-based Person.

There's No Greater Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ.

The [libyan] Rebels This Week Kind Of Hinted To The United States That They Could Use A Little Help. Right. Like, America Would Just Blunder Around The Middle East Killing People Without All The Facts. That Doesn't Sound Like The America I Know.

It's So Easy To Demagogue The Issue And Make Someone Who Speaks Out Against The Internal-combustion Engine Sound Like An Insane Communist, When The Truth Is That The Internal-combustion Engine Is The Biggest Threat To My Life In The Next 25 Years, In Terms Of What It's Doing To Our Environment And How It's Depleting The Ozone Layer And So Forth.

Ebola Has Arrived In New York City. And I Say, 'if It Can Make It There...it Can Make It Anywhere!'

Reverend Ted Haggard's Followers Still Think He's Not Gay. I'm Not Kidding. In Their World, There Are No Gay People. There Are Just Straight People Who Are Sinning. They Don't Want To Do It, But The Devil Makes Them! He Targets People Like Reverend Ted. That's How It Happened. The Devil Got Hold Of Reverend Ted, And Ted Said, 'get Thee Behind Me, Satan! And Put It In, Gently'.

I'm For The Death Penalty, I'm Pro-abortion, I'm Pro-assisted Suicide, I'm Pro-regular Suicide. Anything That'll Get The Traffic Moving.

Government - They Used To Teach It In College. It's Actually Something You Should Study And Learn And Know How To Do. The Republicans Always Run On The Idea That Government Isn't Very Effective. Well, Not The Way You Do It. But It Can Be Effective.

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

The Food Is Out Of This World!

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

The Rebel Army In Libya Is Just Like 1,000 Guys In Toyota Trucks. The World Is Asking The Question; Can 1000 Anti-government Guys In Pick-up Trucks With Small Arms, Take Over A Country Of Millions? To Which I Say, Ask The Teabaggers.

Mitt Romney, Who Is On Record Saying That He Would Not Waste Money Going After Bin Laden, And On Record Saying He Would Not Violate Pakistan's Border To Get Bin Laden, This Week Said, 'of Course I Would Have Gotten Bin Laden.' Even His Etch-a-sketch Went, Seriously?

Amazon Has Included Me In An Opportunity To Provide Top-shelf Television-style Programming Live On The World's Computer Screens. To Hold Forth With The Industry's Very Best Actors, Directors, Musicians, Authors - I'm Thrilled To Be On The Cutting Edge Of This.

John Kerry Is Finding Out That It Is No Fun To Be The Front Runner, That's When You Get All The Heat. He Had To Deny Internet Rumors This Week That He Had Botox Treatments. The Republicans Say Kerry Should Have A Clear, Unfurrowed Brow The Old Fashioned Way By Not Giving A Sh--.

People, Especially The Liberals, Just Live In This World Where If Anything Is Said That Offends Anybody Even A Little Bit, Not Only Does That Person Have To Apologize; Sometimes They Have To Go Away Forever. Go Away, Bad Person. My Analysis Of This Is That Most Of Us Don't Do Anything Decent In Our Life. I'm Not Saying We're Evil. I'm Just Saying We Don't Make A Contribution, So The Way They [liberals] Think They're Making A Contribution Is To Point At The Bad People [which] Is Somehow Even More Pathetic.

In Ten Muslim Countries You Can Get The Death Penalty Just For Being Gay. If They Were Chopping The Heads Off Of Gay People In The Vatican, Wouldn't There Be A Greater Outcry Among Liberals?

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

Heroin May Be Bad, But It Sure As Hell Hasn't Hurt My Cd Collection.

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

I'll Clue You In On A Secret: Death Is Not The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You. I Know We Think That; We Are The First Society Ever To Think That. It's Not Worse Than Dishonor; It's Not Worse Than Losing Your Freedom; Its Not Worse Than Losing A Sense Of Personal Responsibility.

I Love The Tea Party. They Are The Ultimate Beer Goggles. They Make Everything Look Better.

If You Think Democrats Are Going To Take Away Your Bible, You're An Idiot. If You Think They Are Going To Take Away Your Gun, You're An Armed Idiot. If You Think They're Going To Take Away Your Gun And Give It To A Mexican To Kill Your God, You're Bill O'reilly.

When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

Making Mistakes

North Korea Has The Same Ability To Launch A Nuclear Strike Against America As I Do. It's Like Walking Through A Parking Lot And Getting Barked At By A Chihuahua Locked In A Car.

It's That Time Of Year Again, April 15, Taxes. I Know It's Depressing, But Just Remember, You're Paying For Roads, Bridges, Hospitals, And An Army To Keep The Nation Free. Unfortunately That Nation Is Afghanistan.

People Like The Mormons And The Scientologists, Who I Think Should Combine And Make A Mormontologist Because What They Believe Is Just So Out There It's Just Laughable.

The Shame Would Be If Democrats Get Thrown Out Of Office Without Ever Having Tried Democratic Policies.

The First Amendment Was Specifically Designed For Citizens To Insult Politicians. Libel Laws Were Written To Protect Law Students Speaking Out On Political Issues From Getting Called Whores By Oxycontin Addicts.

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