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When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

-Bill Maher

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When I Do Stand-up

Bill Maher

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When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

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When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

I Don't Do Heroin Myself, But It's Done Wonders For My Music Collection.

Republicans Say That Sex Is Bad, Because With Them It Always Is. It Is!...i'm Sorry, But They're Just Doughy, Asexual, Wonky, White People, And If You Had To Have Sex With Them It Would Be Over In An Excruciating Three Minutes. It's Just, - And From The Headlines Of The Past Year I Gather The Only Sex They're Really Good At, Is Gay Sex. Really.

The Younger Generation Is Supposed To Rage Against The Machine, Not For It. They're Supposed To Question Authority, Not Question Those Who Question Authority.

They Say That Japan's Rigorous Building Codes And Regulations Saved Thousands Of Lives Over There. Or, As Republicans Here Saw It, It 'fostered A Socialist, Anti-business Environment That's Worse Than Being Dead.'

It's That Time Of Year Again, April 15, Taxes. I Know It's Depressing, But Just Remember, You're Paying For Roads, Bridges, Hospitals, And An Army To Keep The Nation Free. Unfortunately That Nation Is Afghanistan.

It Just Seems Like The Culture War Is Over, And The Gay Kissers Won.

Paul Revere Was Warning The British About Gun Control, And George Washington Apparently Was Crossing The Delaware To Bomb An Abortion Clinic.

I Don't Understand Why The Police Are Infallible. They Remind Me A Lot Of The Catholic Church.

John Kerry Is Finding Out That It Is No Fun To Be The Front Runner, That's When You Get All The Heat. He Had To Deny Internet Rumors This Week That He Had Botox Treatments. The Republicans Say Kerry Should Have A Clear, Unfurrowed Brow The Old Fashioned Way By Not Giving A Sh--.

This Country Hates Professors. It Likes Toby Keith - 'i'm Gonna Put A Boot In Their Ass.' If You Don't Do That, Somehow You Can't Be Strong.

New Polls Show That Obama Is Now Pulling Away From Mitt Romney. And, Of Course, What Could Be More Natural Than To See Mitt Romney And Pull Away?

In Washington, The Air Quality Today Was Described As 'red.'...you Know What 'red' Is? It's Bad For Everyone. Not Just Old People, Sick People And Babies. When It's Just Bad For Old People, Sick People And Babies, That's Called A Republican Budget.

I'm Not A Joiner. I Don't Like Organizations.

The President Finally Explained Why He Sat In That Classroom On 9/11 For 7 Minutes After He Was Told The Country Was Under Attack. He Said He Was 'collecting His Thoughts.' What A Time To Start A New Hobby.'

Mccain Was Introduced At The Convention Last Night By His Wife -- I Won't Say 'trophy Wife' -- But She Did $300,000 Worth Of Clothes And Jewelry On, No Matter To The Party Of The Little Guy. But Cindy Mccain Talked About How His Character, Honor And Integrity Made Him The Exact Kind Of Married Man She Was Looking To Pick Up At A Bar.

The Shame Would Be If Democrats Get Thrown Out Of Office Without Ever Having Tried Democratic Policies.

I Doubt Anything Will Really Come Of This Lawsuit. First Of All, It's A Lawsuit. It Involves A Subpoena. And Try To Find A Republican Who Will Be Willing To Be Seen Serving A Black Man.

Rush Limbaugh, Who Has Made A Career Preaching That Anybody Who Does Drugs Has Got To Go Right To Jail - Do Not Pass Go, No Questions Asked, Right To Jail - Gets Caught Doing Thirty Oxycontin A Day. Thirty Oxycontin?! Do You Have Any Idea How High That Is?! I Don't, And I've Been Pretty High!

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

Don't You Think That Being A Person Of Faith Has Become A Third Rail In American Politics? If You Want To Run For President Nowadays, You'd Better Get Out There And Say You're A Very Faith-based Person.

The Cable Tv Sex Channels Don't Expand Our Horizons, Don't Make Us Better People, And Don't Come In Clearly Enough.

There's More Attention Paid To Entertainers Than Ever And Less That They Have To Say. Not That Entertainers Were Ever A Great Beacon Of Knowledge To Begin With, But At Least When The Beatles Were The Leaders Of The Culture, They Had A Message. It Was Brief; It Wasn't Terribly Complicated. "give Peace A Chance." "all You Need Is Love." But At Least They Were Trying. At Least They Had Grown.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

Look, I Have Never Made A Secret Of The Fact That I Have Tried Marijuana... About 50,000 Times.

When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

Making Mistakes

It Takes The Youth, Really; They're The Ones That Should Have The Energy, It Shouldn't Be The Old Geezers, But The Signs Are Very Worrying. Half Of Them, Apparently, Don't Believe In Global Warming. They Think It's A Hoax, Which Is More Of That Stupid, Stick-their-head-in-the-sand Attitude. Where Is The Outrage At The Generations That Have Preceded Them Spending All The Money? But The Cynicism Is So Deep And So Ingrained; I Guess No One Feels They Can Do Anything.

I Saw This Anti-drug Commercial That Showed A Kid Smoking Pot In His Dad`s Room With His Friend. This Kid Finds A Gun, The Gun Accidentally Goes Off And Kills His Friend. Only In America Is The Villain In This Commercial Not Guns Or Bad Parenting, But Pot.

God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."

Whenever The People Are For Gay Marriage Or Medical Marijuana Or Assisted Suicide, Suddenly The 'will Of The People' Goes Out The Window.

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

In Europe, Socialism Is Just Another Political Party. It Just Means That Government Takes Over Certain Things Like Hospitals, Prisons, Military And Schools That Should Not Be Run For Profit.

I Hear A Lot Of Talk Today About Xenophobia. Is It Really Phobia If You Have Something To Be Afraid Of?

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

I Love Trains. It's The Only Way To Travel Anymore Where It Doesn't Involve A Tsa Agent Slowly Tracing The Curve Of My Inner Thigh.

Guys You Have Way Too Much Invested In Sport. Guys You Are Not The Tenth Man. You're A Machine For Turning Beer Into Piss That's What You Are!

Wichita Falls, Texas Is Considering Using Toilet Water For Drinking. And A Dog There Today Said, 'white People's Problems.'

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

The Electricity Is Back On In Baghdad. That Is A Very Climactic Moment In Any Country's Liberation, When The Lights Come Back On And You Get A Good Look At What You Looted.

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

Let's Make A Law That Gay People Can Have Birthdays, But Straight People Get More Cake - You Know, To Send The Right Message To Kids.

Why Did Mitt Romney Strap His Dog To The Roof Of His Car? Could It Be Because His Station Wagon Was Full Of Wives?

Rand Paul And Chris Christie Both Said Vaccinations Should Be A Choice, Not A Government Mandate. Because When Have Republicans Ever Told People What They Could Do With Their Own Bodies?

I Don't Say That I'm An Atheist. I Don't Like That Term, Because I Think It Mirrors The Certitude Of Religion. I Say I Don't Know. And If You Don't Know - And You Don't - Just Man Up And Say You Don't Know. Don't Turn To Silly Stories And Ancient Myths.

A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

I'm Not Defending What Cory Booker Said. I'm Saying I Understand Why He Has To Kiss The Asses Of The Rich People On Wall Street, Because There's No Other Way To Keep His City Afloat.

In Fact, Because People Are Religious, They Think They Can Do Bad Things.

John Mccain, Who Once Called Jerry Falwell And Pat Robertson 'forces Of Evil', Has Now Come Out For Teaching Intelligent Design. That Is Sad, When Smart People Have To Pretend To Be So Dumb To Get Elected.

This Ted Cruz Guy, I Mean, He Incurred The Wrath, Really, Of His Own Party. They Don't Like Him. Democrats Hate Him. Independents Hate Him. Republicans Hate Him. Even Miley Cyrus, He's The One Guy She Refuses To Lick.

Anything Is Depressing If You Dwell On It. The Fact That Religion Could End The World? Yeah, I Guess That Could Be Considered Depressing. But Considering That There's Also A Lot To Laugh At, I Think It's A Good Balance.

Laughter Is Sort Of A Natural Truth Detector. If You Laugh At Something, It's Probably Because There Was Some Truth In It.

But Isn't There Something Wrong When I'm The Only Guy In The Country That Got Fired For 9/11?

In An Average Moral Universal Society, Good People Will Try To Do The Right Thing, And Psychotic People Will Do Wicked Things. But If You Want To Make Good People Do Wicked Things, You Need Them To Be Religious.

If Conservatives Don't Want To Be Seen As Bitter People Who Cling To Their Guns And Religion And Anti-immigrant Sentiments, They Should Stop Being Bitter And Clinging To Their Guns, Religion And Anti-immigrant Sentiments.

I Think Mitt Romney Is A Symptom. I Think The Problem Is The Republican Party.

The Only Thing I Hate Worse Than Prophecy Is Self-fulfilling Prophecy

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

I Mean, Maybe One Day We Will Live In A More Optimum World Where Terrorists Come In Every Color Of The Rainbow. But The Truth Is, Now They Don't. I Mean, The People Who Are Trying To Get Us Are Young Muslim Men, Period.

When Opportunity Knocks All Some People Can Do Is Complain About The Noise.

I Don't Want To Be A Pessimist. I'm A Realist. One Man's Realist Is Another Man's Pessimist.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker Last Night Personally Rescued A Woman From A Burning Building. Or As Fox News Reported It, 'black Man Loots House, Steals White Woman.'

You Know... There Is A Name For People Who Are Always Wrong About Everything All The Time.... Husband!!!

The Only Sport I Really Get Into Is Snowboarding. Cause That's The Only Sport Where They Perform A Half Pipe Just After Smoking A Full Pipe.

I'm Staying In A Strange Hotel. I Called Room Service For A Sandwich And They Sent Up Two Hookers.

Hollywood Isn't Your Cesspool, America. It's Your Mirror.

If We Stopped Calling It Profiling And Started Calling It "proactive Intelligence Screening" Or "high Alert Detecting", People Would Be Saying "well, It's About Time".

In America, If A Democrat Even Thinks You're Calling Him Liberal He Grabs An Orange Vest And A Rifle And Heads Into The Woods To Kill Something.

Nowas You All Know, This Week, Pope Benedict Told Vatican Radio—you Know, Vatican Radio, Playing The Hits From The 8th Century, 9th Century And Today—benedict Told Them He Was Going To Resign Because The Church Needs A Fresh, Young Face, Somewhere Other Than A Priest's Lap.

Community Is Gathering Around A Fire And Listening To Someone Tell A Story.

You See, The Difference Is The Republicans' Hatred Of Obama Is Based On A Paranoid Feeling About What He Might Do, What He's Thinking, What He Secretly Wants To Change. Anger With Bush Was Based On What He Actually Did. What Bush Was Thinking Didn't Matter. Because He Wasn't.

People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

I Was Brought Up Catholic And We Show My Mom, My Mother, My Sister And Then I Take Pains To Explain On Camera, That There Were Years After That Where I Wasn't Really Religious. I Certainly Wasn't A Catholic Anymore, But I Still Lived With Some Mythical Man In My Head. I Didn't Really Put A Name To A Face, But I Just Knew That If I Was In Trouble Or Scared I Would Go, 'oh God, Please Help Me Get Out Of This One.'

Gordon Gekko Was Right: Greed Is Good. Because, The Potty-trained Republicans Have Now Stepped Forward - Like The Koch Brothers - To Say, 'you Know What? You Yokels Stop Talking About Defaulting On The Debt, Because I'm Going To Lose A Fortune!'

It's All Been Satirized For Your Protection.

Jesus Is Not A Candle. A Company In South Dakota Is Selling Candles With The Scent Of Jesus. You Light One And Your Friends Says, Christ, What's That Smell?

Republicans Look To Find The Future And They Find Radio.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

Guns Aren't Just A Tool Of Last Resort. They're Awesome. That's Why People Stroke Them. And Name Them, And Take Pictures With Them. You Guys Aren't Just Firearm Enthusiasts — You're Ammosexuals. And Before You Try And Deny You Have Some Sort Of Unnatural Romantic Relationship With Your Gun, Consider This. You're Taking It Out To Dinner! Because It Completes You. Get A Room.

If Anybody Is So Mad At Vladimir Putin, You Know What They Could Do? They Could Advocate For A Gas Tax. He Gets All His Leverage From Selling Gas And Oil. If We Had A Gas Tax That Made That Less Palatable, He Would Be Less Of A Player On The World Stage.

People Have To Stop Saying That Just Because Someone Is An Anti-gay Activist They Might Be Gay. They're Definitely Gay!!

What Is "martinizing" And Why Does It Only Take One Hour?

If Conservatives Get To Call Universal Healthcare 'socialized Medicine,' I Get To Call Private, For-profit Healthcare 'soulless, Vampire Bastards Making Money Off Human Pain.'

Government - They Used To Teach It In College. It's Actually Something You Should Study And Learn And Know How To Do. The Republicans Always Run On The Idea That Government Isn't Very Effective. Well, Not The Way You Do It. But It Can Be Effective.

I'm Worried About A Permanent Republican Majority. That's What I'm Worried About For The Future.

New Rule: Since Our New National Position On Science Is, "screw It, We Prefer Witchcraft," Let's Not Just Retire The Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's Drive It To One Of The Five Stupidest States And Have The Locals Beat It With Sticks. Putting It In A Museum Is Too Dangerous. Someone Could Steal It, Fly It Into Space And Notice We Revolve Around The Sun.

I Think The Right-wingers Have To Buddy Up To The Fact That Either The Minimum Wage Has To Go Up, And People Get Enough Money To Live, Or You're Always Going To Have People Needing Government Assistance. You Can't Have It Both Ways.

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

That's What American Democracy Has Come Down To At These Town Hall Meetings: Old People And Gun Nuts, Which Is A Terrible Combination. I Heard Somebody Yell 'ak-47!' And A Lady Yelled, 'bingo!'

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

In Republican Fantasy World, Everything Is Always Obama's Fault. Somehow, He's Weak And He's Ineffective, And Yet He Pulls The Strings On Everything In The World.

I Always Compare Marriage To Communism. They're Both Institutions That Don't Conform To Human Nature, So You're Going To End Up With Lying And Hypocrisy.

When You Tolerate Intolerance, You're Not Really Being A Liberal.

I Always Say People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right. I Like To Be Nice Too, But Come On. People Frequently Ask Me, What Is My Definition Of Politically Correct. My Answer Is Always The Same: The Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth. People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right, Rather Be Sensitive Than True. Well, Being Nice And Sensitive Are Important, But They're Not More Important Than Being Right; They're Not More Important Than The Truth.

To Me, Being Brave Is An Element That Is So Important With Stand-up Comedy. It's Not Essential. There Are Many Comics Who Were Just Funny, And That's Fine, Too. But That's Never Been What I Was Trying To Do In Comedy. I Was Always Trying To Do Something That Involved Not Pandering To The Audience.

Sarah Palin Should Not Be On Vacation. She Should Be In Summer School.

The Clinton White House Today Said They Would Start To Give National Security And Intelligence Briefings To George Bush. I Don't Know How Well This Is Working Out. Today After The First One Bush Said, 'i've Got One Question: What Color Is The Red Phone?'

The "power Of One" Is A Slogan--not A Goal.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

New Rule: You're Never Going To Pick Up Women At A Coffee Shop Pretending To Be Working On Your Laptop. You Don't Look Like You're Sensitive, You Look Like You're Homeless.the Last Guy To Pick Up A Chick With An Apple Was Adam. And When You Sit Across From Another Dateless Loser With A Laptop, It Still Doesn't Look Like You're Working--it Looks Like You're Playing Battleship.

Maybe Every Other American Movie Shouldn't Be Based On A Comic Book. Other Countries Will Think Americans Live In An Infantile Fantasy Land Where Reality Is Whatever We Say It Is And Every Problem Can Be Solved With Violence.

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

I'm Just Honest. They [asians] Don't Want To See Black People Generally In Their Movies.

In America, You’re Allowed To Justify Almost Any Kind Of Bigotry, Sexism, Or Intolerance If You Source It To God’s Big Book Of Bad Ideas.

Osama Bin Laden Put Out A New Video. The Timing Of This Video Has Some People Upset, Three Days Before We Vote. It Looks Like He's Trying To Influence The Election. And I'll Tell You, It's Not Going To Work. Americans Know Osama Bin Laden Does Not Pick Our President. The Supreme Court Does.

Edward Snowden Gave A Little Press Conference Today. He Is Apparently Seeking Temporary Asylum In Russia. Because, You Know, When You're Tired Of The Government Snooping Into Everything You Do, Putin's Russia Is Definitely The Place You Want To Go.

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

Between Trying To Impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, And The Recall In California, I'm Beginning To Think That Republicans Will Do Anything To Win An Election-except Get The Most Votes.

Obama Is Not A Secret Kenyon, Or A Secret Muslim, He's A Secret Republican.

More Astronauts Have Been To The Moon Than Farmers Who Paid The Inheritance Tax In 2013.

I Urge The Media To Start Referring To Climate Skeptics As What They Really Are: Climate Assholes.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Has An Indespensible Quote: 'the Test Of A First-rate Intelligence Is The Ability To Hold Two Opposed Ideas In The Mind At Once And Still Retain The Ability To Function'. Or, As I Like To Call It, 'o.j. Killed His Wife, And The Police Are Corrupt.'

In New York Now, They Have Harvey Milk High School For Gay Students. They Don't Have Much Of A Football Team, But The Half-time Show . . .

The Federal Government... Announced A Plan To Spend, Like, A Trillion Of Taxpayer Dollars To Buy Out Bad Mortgages And Debt. Wall Street Was Surprisingly Enthusiastic About The Plan To Save Their (butts) With Other Peoples' Money. It Was Either That, Or Sarah Palin's Idea To Sell It All On Ebay.

Why Is Monotheistic Faith Better Than Polytheistic? I Mean, Either You Believe - If You Believe In, Like, A Magic Person Who Can Do Magic Things, Why Is It Different - So Different If It's Superman Or The Fantastic Four?

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

I Don't Believe In A Lot Of Things From The Bronze Age, But An Eye For An Eye Does Make A Sort Of Symmetrical Sense To Me. I Really Believe That If Somebody Takes A Life, That [death Penalty] Is What They Should Get. I Also Think It's A Lot More Humane Than Keeping People In A Cage For The Rest Of Their Life.

Clint Eastwood's Speech Was Kind Of A Metaphor For The Entire Republican Party: A Confused Old Person Yelling At Something That Doesn't Exist.

This Is A Ridiculous Heat Wave We're In Right Now, And To Contribute, Newt Gingrich Said That For The Entire Month Of June, He Will Stop Blowing Hot Air.

Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

Rick Santorum Doesn't Like Sex. He Doesn't Like The Pill. He Really Doesn't Like Condoms. He Said If Men Are Going To Pull Something On To Prevent Procreation, Nothing Works Better That A Sweater Vest.

Americans Are Gluttons. We Shop With Forklifts. We Have A Holiday Where We Stuff Food Into Other Food. Our Strippers Wrestle In Jell-o, Where Other Countries Have To Use Mud.

I Can't Stay Mad At Pope Frank. I Just Can't. It's A Funny Situation That I Like The Pope And Mel Gibson Doesn't.

The Democrats Are Very Bad At Selling Their Own Product. The Republicans Are Geniuses At It. And I've Said It Before, A Bad Product Well Apologized For Is Superior In This Country To A Good Product.

Mitt Romney Was Attacking Obama About Our Failing Education System. He Has A Point. We Are Graduating Millions Of People In This Country Who Are So Lacking In Basic Analytical Skills, They Are Considering Voting For Mitt Romney.

The Dalai Lama Visited The White House And Told The President That He Could Teach Him To Find A Higher State Of Consciousness. Then After Talking To Bush For A Few Minutes, He Said, 'you Know What? Let's Just Grab Lunch.'

You Can't Deny That Religion Has Done Some Good. It Organizes Lots Of Anti-poverty Programs And Soup Kitchens And Missionary Work. But I Would Say That, First Of All, All Those Things Can Be Accomplished Without Religion. You Can Be Ethical, Somebody Who Does The Right Thing Without Feeling That He Has To In Order To Get His Ass Saved In The Next Life.

Death Is The Monster We All Fear, Yet With Each Day, We Walk Toward It, And Can't Help Doing So; We Can't Help But Walk Toward The One Thing We're Most Trying To Avoid.

If You Want To Get Rich With A Tax Free Enterprise That Sells Nothing, Start A Church.

Again, (america Is) A Stupid Country With Stupid People Who Don't Pay Attention.

I Don't Dislike Children, I Just Don't Particularly Want To Be Around With Them A Lot. Problem Is, Neither Do Their Parents.

There Are Two Things That You Have To Lie To Get Through. One Is Politics, And The Other Is Marriage.

We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

Doctors Said That The Test Most Commonly Used To Screen For Colon Cancer Doesn't Go Far Enough. They're Recommending A Procedure That Involves Photographing The Entire Colon. I Say, Don't Vie Cbs An Idea For Another Reality Show.

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

Tea Party Has Now Cost The Republicans 5 Senate Seats. My Next Donation Is Going To Them.

The Senate Decided They Will Be Smoke-free. They Ordained That All Public Areas In The Senate Are Now Smoke-free. However, The Senators Themselves Will Still Be Allowed To Blow Smoke Up Each Other's Asses.

We Had A National Tragedy This Week, And The President Of The United States And Sarah Palin Both Made Speeches On The Same Day. Obama Came Out Against Lunatics With Guns, She Gave The Rebuttal.

I Am So Tired Of Rearranging My Life Around What The Stupidest People Might Do.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

The Church Has Historically Been Very Slow To Embrace Technology. Until Very Recently, Their Idea Of A Laptop Was An Altar Boy.

There Is No Debate Here, Just Scientists And Non-scientists. And Since The Subject Is Science, The Non-scientists Don't Get A Vote.

America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

The Idea That Men Are From Mars And Women Are From Venus Is A Bunch Of Bullshit. Treat Her Like You Would A Friend, And You'll Wind Up With A Lover.

Dealing W/ Hamas Is Like Dealing W/ A Crazy Woman Who’s Trying To Kill U – U Can Only Hold Her Wrists So Long Before You Have To Slap Her.

How Come Regional Pandering Only Works In One Direction, Right? You Never See A Southern Politician Trying To Win Votes In New York State By Saying, 'i Read Books And Make A Mean Vegan Meatloaf.'

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

Ronald Reagan Came From Show Business. His Idea Of How The Government Should Help The Homeless Was Like Your Agent. "we'll Try To Get You Work. But Don't Bug Us About It."

You're Not A Patriot Unless Even When You Lose, It's Still Your Country.

There's No Greater Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ.

People Who Don't Like You Almost Never Come Up To You. That's A Lot Of Years Of Saying Things That I Know A Lot Of People In This Country Hate Me For. And The Number Of Times Someone Has Come Up To Me And Said Something Negative, I Could Count On One Hand.

Down In Texas, Rick Perry Announced He Will Not Run For Reelection. He Said 'i Executed One Last Woman, That Fertilizer Plant Exploded, I Returned Abortions To Back Alleys Where It Belongs, My Work Here Is Done.' I Think That's What He Said, He Was Chewing A Crayon.

Rick Santorum Beat Mitt Romney In Three States On Tuesday. Got A Huge Amount Of Fundraising. That's The Good News For Rick Santorum. The Bad News: People Are Now Googling 'santorum.'

Being Politicians, They All Got To Sharing Their Personal Stories. Obama Talked About His Mother's Battle With Cancer. Harry Reid Talked About A Kid With A Cleft Palate. And John Mccain Told How He Once Carried A Brain Dead Woman Through An Entire Campaign.

It's Not Getting Any Better For The American People. It Seems To Be Getting Worse. That's Predictable; Education Is A Cycle. Stupidity Breeds More Stupidity.

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

To Those People Who Say, 'my Father Is Alive Because Of Animal Experimentation,' I Say, 'yeah, Well, Good For You. This Dog Died So Your Father Could Live.' Sorry, But I Am Just Not Behind That Kind Of Trade-off.

Funny That All Of Nixon's Crimes - Anonymous Campaign Cash, Wiretapping, Undeclared Wars - Are All Legal Now. Discuss.

What I Have Against Religion Is That They Start You When You Are So Defenseless. I Mean, I Was Three When They Started Pumping This Bullshit Into My Head. I Believed In Santa Claus And The Fairy Godmother, Of Course I Believed In A Virgin Birth, And A Guy Lived In A Whale, And A Woman Came From A Rib. But Then Something Happened That Made Me Doubt All Of It: I Graduated Sixth Grade!

Well, The American Public Always Wanted To Vote For A Guy And Bush Was The Perfect Guy Who They'd Want To Have Over For Pot-roast. And George Bush Is That Guy. He Does That Well. You'd Like To Have Him Over For Pot-roast. He Reminds You Of Yourself. Okay. Well, Now He's Been Over, He's Had The Pot-roast. But He's Getting Drunk And Now He's Talking About Stem Cells And Terri Schiavo And Gay Marriage. And Now He's The Guest That Won't Leave.

London. Another Terrorist Attack And Isis Claimed Credit. I Am Surprised Because I Thought We Had Wiped Out Isis On Day One As Donald Trump Said.

Don't Say A Woman Is Crazy Just Because She Runs Away From Her Wedding.

Ronald Reagan Was An Anti-government, Union-busting, Race Baiting, Anti-abortion, Anti-gay, Anti-intellectual, Who Cut Rich People's Taxes In Half, Had A Incurable Case Of The Military-industrial Complex, And Said Medicare Was Socialism That Would Destroy Our Freedom. Both Sides Really Should Stop Pretending He Was Something Other Than The Man Most Responsible For Our Decline.

Suicide Is Man's Way Of Telling God, 'you Can't Fire Me - I Quit.'

Now People Want Brian Williams To Resign, But It Could Have A Happy Ending. Apparently What He Said Was Such A Blatant Departure From The Truth, Today He Got An Offer From Fox News.

No Politician Is Perfect. But In Every Election In Your Life, There Will Be One Choice That Is Better Than The Others. Go Out And Vote For That One.

Whoever Needs The Relationship Less Has All The Power.

I Get The Playboy Thing A Lot. People Assume I Go Out With Bimbos. I Couldn`t Go Out With Bimbos If I Tried! I Scare Them Off! The Women That Like Me Are Smart. So I Go To The Playboy Mansion Four Or Five Times A Year, But People Think I Go All The Time.

We Survived The 1980's. Back Then, The Economic Program Was Called 'trickle Down.' That Actually Meant They Were Pissing On You. How The Whole Theory Goes Was This: 'we Have All The Money. If We Drop Some, It's Yours. Go For It.'

I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Want It To Be Better. The Only Way We Can Get It To Be Better Is To Realistically Criticize What's Wrong With It.

New Rule: Stop Calling It Obamacare. It's Not Like Obama Will Be The Doctor For Your Next Prostate Exam. That's Just A Common Fantasy Of Republican Men.

Shouldn't We Be Against Procreation At This Point In Time? With Overpopulation And The Strain On The Resources On This Planet? Shouldn't We Reward People Who Don't Spawn?

I Was Just At The Newly Opened Creationist Museum In Kentucky.... And They Have This Exhibit Of A Giant Dinosaur...with A Saddle On Its Back. Because The World Is Only 5000 Years Old, So Man And The Dinosaurs Had To Coexist, And, Of Course, We Rode Them. A Theory I Thought Laughable At The Age Of Eight When I Saw It On The Flintstones!

If You Belonged To A Political Party Or A Social Club That Was Tied To As Much Bigotry, Misogyny, Homophobia, Violence, And Sheer Ignorance As Religion Is, You'd Resign In Protest. To Do Otherwise Is To Be An Enabler, A Mafia Wife.

As A Comedian, I Think We All Look For Those Areas Where The Truth Diverts From What People Are Saying. That's Why Politics Is Such A Rich Area For Us, Because Politicians Make Promises, And They Don't Keep Them, And When We Point Out The Difference, We Get The Laugh.

Well, That's Exactly The Wrong Attitude. That Is Not The Attitude They Had In World War Ii. You're Attitude Is That Freedom Means You Can Do Whatever You Want Whenever You Want It. And That Sacrifice Is Somehow Un-american. [...] But The Idea That We Should Also Be Defensive About Our Flaws And Our Weaknesses And Our Vulnerabilities Is Ridiculous.

I Have A Theory That The Internet Makes People Stupider. And Also Fox News Makes People Stupider.

There's A New Ipad Out...people Are Going Nuts For This Thing...and, Today, Mitt Romney Said, 'it's A Flat Piece Of White Plastic. If You Can Love It, Why Not Me?'

A Lot Of Good Has Come From Drugs. I Think 'penny Lane' Is Worth 10 Dead Kids. Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. Because A Lot Of Kids Wouldn't Even Be Born If It Weren't For That Album, So It Evens Out.

This Party Is Just Full Of Children, And Someone Needs To Leave Them In A Hot Car.

To Paraphrase The Great Will Rogers, El Rusho Never Met A Pharmacist He Did Not Like.

New Rule: Gay Marriage Won't Lead To Dog Marriage. It Is Not A Slippery Slope To Rampant Inter-species Coupling. When Women Got The Right To Vote, It Didn't Lead To Hamsters Voting. No Court Has Extended The Equal Protection Clause To Salmon. And For The Record, All Marriages Are "same Sex" Marriages. You Get Married, And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

Ninety Percent Of People Support Background Checks. Which Means Even People Who Can't Pass A Background Check Support Background Checks.

I Was Watching Ashlee Simpson On Jay's Show Last Night... She Was Really Singing, And I Was Saying, 'bring Back The Lip Synch'... And It Struck Me That Ashlee Simpson Is A Lot Like George Bush - Because She Wouldn't Even Really Be In The Big Leagues If It Wasn't For Family Connections, And She's In Way Over Her Head. And She Doesn't Know What To Do. And She Blamed Her Band.

A President Can Be Unpopular For Good Reasons. You Know, I'm Not Always On The Side That The People Are Right, For God's Sake. But, You Know, He's Not Popular When He Goes Overseas. He Couldn't Go To Rosa Parks' Funeral.

Americans Are Finally Coming To A Point Where They're Accepting Of Religious Criticism, Is Because George Bush Is The First President Who Really Put Religion So Front-and-center. He's The Most Christ-y President We've Ever Had - And He Is, Not Uncoincidentally, The Biggest Disaster We've Ever Had. I Think Even People Who Are Religious Don't Like It Shoved Down Their Throat. I Think People Kind Of Get It On A Certain Level, That This Is An Antiscience Administration, And We're Living In A Time Where We Can't Afford To Be Antiscience - For Environmental Reasons, For Educational Reasons.

I Have Such Disdain For Anybody Who Gets Joy Out Of Blowing The Stuffing Out Of A Little Woodland Creature, That I Don't Really Care If Any Of Them Gets Shot.

Life Is Not Like A Box Of Chocolates Unless There's A Few Turds In The Box.

Nobody Sees People As People. It's All How They Relate To My Little Group.

I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight, Because I Have Been Saying, For The Longest Time, That President Bush Must Set A Timetable For Removing His Head From His Ass...and, By God, Today They Went In And Looked For It... They Didn't Find It. So Now We Don't Know Where It Is, But At Least For Once In My Life, I Get To See The Words "bush", "operation", And "success" In The Same Sentence.

If We Were A Dog And God Owned Us, The Cops Would Come And Take Us Away.

In New York, Catholic Groups Have Forced An Art Gallery To Shut Down An Exhibition Of A Six-foot Image Of Jesus In Chocolate. So, The Archbishop Of New York Was Very Upset. He Said, 'it Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.'

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

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Marquis De Sade

Olivier Messiaen

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