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Edward Snowden Gave A Little Press Conference Today. He Is Apparently Seeking Temporary Asylum In Russia. Because, You Know, When You're Tired Of The Government Snooping Into Everything You Do, Putin's Russia Is Definitely The Place You Want To Go.

-Bill Maher

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Edward Snowden Gave A

Bill Maher

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Edward Snowden Gave A Little Press Conference Today. He Is Apparently Seeking Temporary Asylum In Russia. Because, You Know, When You're Tired Of The Government Snooping Into Everything You Do, Putin's Russia Is Definitely The Place You Want To Go.

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Scientists Say An 8.9 Earthquake Here Could Knock Down Buildings, Flood Coastal Areas... And Improve The Roads.

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Lip-synching?! Let That Be A Lesson. If You Are In Washington, D.c., And You Open Your Mouth And Another Voice Comes Out, It Better Be The Nra, An Oil Company Or A Bank.

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

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Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

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People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

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Merry Christmas

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I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

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I Don't Respect Religon. I Don't Respect Superstitious Thinking And That Is What Religous Is.

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A President Can Be Unpopular For Good Reasons. You Know, I'm Not Always On The Side That The People Are Right, For God's Sake. But, You Know, He's Not Popular When He Goes Overseas. He Couldn't Go To Rosa Parks' Funeral.

The Only Silver Lining I Can Find Is That British Accents Aren't Sexy Anymore.

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The Idea That I Hear From The Right Wing In The Last Few Decades, Is That Any Sort Of Sacrifice Is An Affront To My Liberty As An American To Be A Pig The Way I Want To.

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

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I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

One Of The Advantages Of Atheism Is Takes So Little Of Your Time.

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'the Lorax,'...it's A Mythical, Woodland Creature, Right, Who's For Saving Trees. He Speaks For The Trees Because No One Else Can. Kind Of The Way Conservatives Speak For Fetuses.

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

A Flu Shot Just Compromises Your Immune System.

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To Paraphrase The Great Will Rogers, El Rusho Never Met A Pharmacist He Did Not Like.

The Only Sport I Really Get Into Is Snowboarding. Cause That's The Only Sport Where They Perform A Half Pipe Just After Smoking A Full Pipe.

People Like The Mormons And The Scientologists, Who I Think Should Combine And Make A Mormontologist Because What They Believe Is Just So Out There It's Just Laughable.

We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

Making Mistakes

What I Have Against Religion Is That They Start You When You Are So Defenseless. I Mean, I Was Three When They Started Pumping This Bullshit Into My Head. I Believed In Santa Claus And The Fairy Godmother, Of Course I Believed In A Virgin Birth, And A Guy Lived In A Whale, And A Woman Came From A Rib. But Then Something Happened That Made Me Doubt All Of It: I Graduated Sixth Grade!

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This Week Sarah Palin's Memoir Became A Bestseller. It's Not Even Out Yet. It's Being Translated Into English.

I Think Democrats Are Complacent. They Think That Russia Is Going To Save Us. Bob Mueller Is Going To Come In With A Report.

I Was Out At The Hbo Party, These Are Liberals, I Imagine, And A Lot Of People Came Up To Me And Said, "keep Giving It To The President."

Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Unless You Put A Condom On It! You Realize That The Job Of A Hot Dog Is To Use Parts Of The Animal That The Chinese Can't Figure Out How To Make Into A Belt?

All I Did Was Tell The Truth. That's Is What The Whole Show Is About! And If Politically Incorrect Has To Go Down For It, So Be It!

In Europe, Socialism Is Just Another Political Party. It Just Means That Government Takes Over Certain Things Like Hospitals, Prisons, Military And Schools That Should Not Be Run For Profit.

The Bible Looks Like It Started Out As A Game Of Mad Libs.

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

Did You See The 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The Last Time The Republicans Had That Many Black People On A Stage, They Were Selling Them!

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans Must Remember That Politicians Are Like A Box Of Chocolates. We Bite Into Them To Find Out What's On The Inside Only To Discover That Democrats Are Too Often Soft And Gooey And Republicans Are Mostly Nuts.

Like It Or Not, We're Still A Primitive Tribe Ruled By Fears, Superstition And Misinformation.

Rick Perry Said Obama's Suggestions For Gun Control Disgust Him. He Said The Real Answer To This Problem Isn't Laws, It's Prayer. You Know, I Know You're Not Supposed To Say This About Elected Officials, But I Would Pay To See Rick Perry Defend Himself Against A School Shooter With Prayer.

I Think The Reason Why More Rapists Go Into The Military Is The Same Reason Why Predators Go Into The Catholic Church. It's A Place They Know They Can Get Away With It.

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

Married Men Live Longer. Yes. And An Indoor Cat Also Lives Longer. It's A Furball With A Broken Spirit, That Can Only Look Out On A World It Can Never Enjoy. But It Does Technically Live Longer.

Down In Texas, Rick Perry Announced He Will Not Run For Reelection. He Said 'i Executed One Last Woman, That Fertilizer Plant Exploded, I Returned Abortions To Back Alleys Where It Belongs, My Work Here Is Done.' I Think That's What He Said, He Was Chewing A Crayon.

Religion Is Insanity By Consensus.

You Can’t Be A Rational Person Six Days A Week And On One Day Of The Week, Go To A Building, And Think You Are Drinking The Blood Of A Two Thousand Year Old Space God. That Doesn’t Make You A Person Of Faith…, That Makes You A Schizophrenic.

When Consumers Know Things, They Tend To Make Informed Choices, And That Could Affect Corporate Profits. I'm Sorry, But Your Right To Know Is Always Going To Be Outweighed By Their Right To Hide It From You.

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But Obama Looks Like He Does Need A Teleprompter.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

All Marriages Are Same Sex Marriages. You Get Married And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

40% Of Homicides Go Unsolved. You Know, It's Not A Very Good Record. And, Also, 95% Of Convictions In America Come From Plea Bargaining, Which Is Often Coerced. It's Like We Have The Worst Of Both Worlds. We Don't Convict The Guilty Enough, And We Coerce The Innocent Too Much.

They Told Us To Buy Duct Tape And Portable Radios So That If The World Does End, We Can All Listen To Rush Limbaugh Blame It On Clinton.

I Don't Understand How The Republican Party Is The Party With The Reputation For Fiscal Conservatism And Fiscal Sanity, When They're The Ones Who Run Up The Debt. It Was Reagan Who Ran Up The Debt And Now Bush Is Doing It Again, And In Between, Clinton And Bush's Father, I Must Say, Worked So Hard To Get That Deficit And That Debt Down.

Why Did Mitt Romney Strap His Dog To The Roof Of His Car? Could It Be Because His Station Wagon Was Full Of Wives?

I Mean, Maybe One Day We Will Live In A More Optimum World Where Terrorists Come In Every Color Of The Rainbow. But The Truth Is, Now They Don't. I Mean, The People Who Are Trying To Get Us Are Young Muslim Men, Period.

It Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.

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If You Can Look At A Crime Where Everything Points To One Answer And Not See It, You're A Dumb-ass. And If You Can Look At The Deficit And Not See That The Problem Is That The Rich Stopped Paying Taxes, You're A Republican.

Is It [hunting] Really A Sport If You Have All The Equipment And Your Opponent Doesn't Know A Game Is Going On?

Let's Be Honest, Half The Marriages End In Divorce. For Me, It's Never Made Much Sense. I Have A Girlfriend And I'm Not Interested In Anyone Else, But I Still Wouldn't Want To Bring The Federal And State Government Into My Life.

The Difference Between The Three Abrahamic Religions: Christianity - Mumbling To The Ceiling, Judaism - Mumbling To The Wall, Islam - Mumbling To The Floor.

What A Day For The Tea Party People. Did You See That? America's Parks And Fairgrounds Were Lost In A Sea Of Man-boobs. They Were Venting Their Anger And Rage Against Taxes, Which, Of Course, In Most Cases For Them Went Down. Protesting Their Taxes Went Down, But You Know, Why Let The Truth Spoil A Perfectly Good Klan Rally.

The Politicians Are No Prizes, But The People Are Even Worse, They're So Ill-informed. I Never Understand The Pushback When I Say People Are Stupid.

Marvel Comics Announced That The Next Captain America Will Be Black. He Has The Same Powers As White Captain America, Except He Has To Show I.d. When He Votes.

I'm Okay With It Now That Obama’s In Office. I'm Kind Of Trusting Of Him. But President Ted Cruz? Where This Is Going Would Bother Me.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

Please Stop Assuming That Longevity And Perfect Health Is Always The Correct Option. No. Sometimes Fun Costs Ya. It Just Does, You Know? And That's Ok, You're Willing To Make That Purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. Was 64 When He Died. Give Me 64 Sammy-years, I'll Be Happy.

Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options.

I Was Brought Up Catholic And We Show My Mom, My Mother, My Sister And Then I Take Pains To Explain On Camera, That There Were Years After That Where I Wasn't Really Religious. I Certainly Wasn't A Catholic Anymore, But I Still Lived With Some Mythical Man In My Head. I Didn't Really Put A Name To A Face, But I Just Knew That If I Was In Trouble Or Scared I Would Go, 'oh God, Please Help Me Get Out Of This One.'

Every Time Somebody Says 'islamophobia' It Gives The People Who Are Intimidating Cover.

I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Want It To Be Better. The Only Way We Can Get It To Be Better Is To Realistically Criticize What's Wrong With It.

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Guns Aren't Just A Tool Of Last Resort. They're Awesome. That's Why People Stroke Them. And Name Them, And Take Pictures With Them. You Guys Aren't Just Firearm Enthusiasts — You're Ammosexuals. And Before You Try And Deny You Have Some Sort Of Unnatural Romantic Relationship With Your Gun, Consider This. You're Taking It Out To Dinner! Because It Completes You. Get A Room.

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I Love Jesus. I Just Don't Like The Christians Who Don't Believe In What He Says.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

As You Go Down The Path Of Life, Ask Whats True. Not Who Else Believes It.

I Want To See Riots! I Want To See The Kind Of Riots Where Cab Drivers Are Afraid To Pick Up White People! I Want To See This Guy!

Why Are We Working So Hard To Preserve Iraq, A Fake Country To Begin With? Why Do We Care Whether This Fake Country That Was Drawn On The Map 100 Years Ago Remains?

Did You See Britney Spears At The Video Music Awards? I Don't Want To Say That That Performance Was A Disaster, But After The Show, I Saw Rudy Giuliani Having His Picture Taken Standing On Her.

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African American Congressman Bobby Rush Wore A Hoodie On The Floor Of Congress To Make A Point This Week. And They Threw Him Out. They Said A Hoodie Is Too Scary For Congress. Too Scary? Have You Ever Looked Into Michele Bachmann's Eyes?

African American

You Know, If You're An American And You're Born At This Time In History Especially, You're Lucky. We All Are. We Won The World History Powerball Lottery...

I Was Watching Ashlee Simpson On Jay's Show Last Night... She Was Really Singing, And I Was Saying, 'bring Back The Lip Synch'... And It Struck Me That Ashlee Simpson Is A Lot Like George Bush - Because She Wouldn't Even Really Be In The Big Leagues If It Wasn't For Family Connections, And She's In Way Over Her Head. And She Doesn't Know What To Do. And She Blamed Her Band.

If You Believe That The World Is Going To Come To An End - And Perhaps Any Day Now - Does It Not Drain One's Motivation To Improve Life On Earth While We're Here?

You Know... There Is A Name For People Who Are Always Wrong About Everything All The Time.... Husband!!!

Over The Last 30 Odd Years, Democrats Have Moved To The Right And The Right Has Moved Into The Mental Hospital. So What We Have Is One Perfectly Good Party For Hedge Fund Managers, Credit Card Companies, Banks, Defense Contractors, Big Agriculture And The Pharmaceutical Lobby... That's The Democrats. And They Sit Across The Aisle From A Small Group Of Religious Lunatics, Flat-earthers And Civil War Re-enactors Who Mostly Communicate By Am Radio And Call Themselves The Republicans And Who Actually Worry That Obama Is A Socialist. Socialist? He's Not Even A Liberal.

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

Now People Want Brian Williams To Resign, But It Could Have A Happy Ending. Apparently What He Said Was Such A Blatant Departure From The Truth, Today He Got An Offer From Fox News.

Stand-up Is Great Because I Can Get Everything Off My Chest.

Everything That Used To Be A Sin Is Now A Disease.

The Only Thing I Hate Worse Than Prophecy Is Self-fulfilling Prophecy

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

Osama Bin Laden Put Out A New Video. The Timing Of This Video Has Some People Upset, Three Days Before We Vote. It Looks Like He's Trying To Influence The Election. And I'll Tell You, It's Not Going To Work. Americans Know Osama Bin Laden Does Not Pick Our President. The Supreme Court Does.

We Have The Bill Of Rights. What We Need Is A Bill Of Responsibilities.

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

What Is "martinizing" And Why Does It Only Take One Hour?

Time Magazine Put Chris Christie On The Cover With The Caption, 'the Elephant In The Room.' And People Magazine Named Him 'sexiest Garbage Truck In A Suit.'

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

Rick Santorum Beat Mitt Romney In Three States On Tuesday. Got A Huge Amount Of Fundraising. That's The Good News For Rick Santorum. The Bad News: People Are Now Googling 'santorum.'

Every Time [rand Paul] Opens His Mouth, It Gets A Little Crazier. Today He Angrily Demanded That The Liberal Media Stop Quoting Him In Context.

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

New Rule: You're Never Going To Pick Up Women At A Coffee Shop Pretending To Be Working On Your Laptop. You Don't Look Like You're Sensitive, You Look Like You're Homeless.the Last Guy To Pick Up A Chick With An Apple Was Adam. And When You Sit Across From Another Dateless Loser With A Laptop, It Still Doesn't Look Like You're Working--it Looks Like You're Playing Battleship.

Can We Go Back To Using Facebook For What It Was Originally For - Looking Up Exes To See How Fat They Got?

New Rule: News Organizations Have To Stop Using The Phrase: "we Go Beyond The Headlines." That's Your Job, Dummy. You Don't See American Airlines Saying, "we Land Our Jets On The Runway"!

Do You Think It's Possible That When We're On Something Like Marijuana Or Mushrooms And We Believe We're Having A Really Spiritual Experience That We're Just High?

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

Republicans Have Pounced. They're Outraged. They Say, 'how Dare You Lie About Caring For The People Who Got Hurt In The War We Lied Them Into?'

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Robert Grosseteste

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