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We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.

-Bill Maher

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We Learned This Week

Bill Maher

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We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.

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You're Either A Rationalist, Or You're Not. And The Good News Is A Recent Poll Found 20% Of Adults Under 30 Say They Are Rationalists, And Have Figured Out That Santa Claus And Jesus Are Really The Same Guy. Now, 20% Is Hardly A Majority. But It's A Bigger Minority Than Blacks, Jews, Homosexuals, Nra Members, Teachers, Or Seniors... And It's Certainly Enough To Stop Being Shy About Expressing The Opinion That We're Not The Crazy Ones!

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans Must Remember That Politicians Are Like A Box Of Chocolates. We Bite Into Them To Find Out What's On The Inside Only To Discover That Democrats Are Too Often Soft And Gooey And Republicans Are Mostly Nuts.

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If You Have A Few Hundred Followers And You Let Some Of Them Molest Children, They Call You A Cult Leader. If You Have A Billion, They Call You Pope.

New Rule: If Churches Don't Have To Pay Taxes, They Also Can't Call The Fire Department When They Catch Fire. Sorry Reverend, That's One Of Those Services That Goes Along With Paying In. I'll Use The Fire Department I Pay For. You Can Pray For Rain.

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What Democratic Congressmen Do To Their Women Staffers, Republican Congressmen Do To The Country.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Has An Indespensible Quote: 'the Test Of A First-rate Intelligence Is The Ability To Hold Two Opposed Ideas In The Mind At Once And Still Retain The Ability To Function'. Or, As I Like To Call It, 'o.j. Killed His Wife, And The Police Are Corrupt.'

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First They Didn't Believe In Evolution. Then They Didn't Believe In Global Warming. Now The Debt Ceiling. What I Call 'the Moron Trifecta.'

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When People Say To Me, 'you Hate America,' I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Am Just Embarrassed That It Has Been Taken Over By People Like Evangelicals, By People Who Do Not Believe In Science And Rationality. It Is The 21st Century. And I Will Tell You, My Friend. The Future Does Not Belong To The Evangelicals. The Future Does Not Belong To Religion.

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It Just Seems Like The Culture War Is Over, And The Gay Kissers Won.

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Whoever Needs The Relationship Less Has All The Power.

This Is A Ridiculous Heat Wave We're In Right Now, And To Contribute, Newt Gingrich Said That For The Entire Month Of June, He Will Stop Blowing Hot Air.

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I Love The Tea Party. They Are The Ultimate Beer Goggles. They Make Everything Look Better.

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I Feel Like I'm Wearing Orthopedic Shoes, Because I Stand Corrected.

The "power Of One" Is A Slogan--not A Goal.

We're All Gonna Be Gay If We Get Health Care!

If Anti-gay Stuff Is Always Coming Out Of Your Mouth, Something Very Gay Is Probably Going In.

That's Ended, That's Over. I Want You To Meet My Pimps. I Thought, I'm A Show-business Ho Already, So I Might As Well Be A Real Ho.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

Only Cowards Push A Button From Thousands Of Miles Away, Or Tens Of Thousands Of Feet Up, To Kill People Who Can't Possibly Fight Back.

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A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

Tea Party Has Now Cost The Republicans 5 Senate Seats. My Next Donation Is Going To Them.

African American Congressman Bobby Rush Wore A Hoodie On The Floor Of Congress To Make A Point This Week. And They Threw Him Out. They Said A Hoodie Is Too Scary For Congress. Too Scary? Have You Ever Looked Into Michele Bachmann's Eyes?

African American

The Bible Looks Like It Started Out As A Game Of Mad Libs.

In The Muslim World, Much Of It, They Cannot Conceive Of Something Coming Out Of The United States That Wouldn't Be Sanctioned By The Government, Because In Their Countries, Everything Is Sanctioned By The Government.

I Don't Do Heroin Myself, But It's Done Wonders For My Music Collection.

The Nra Made An Ad Saying That Obama Is Elitist Because His Kids Have Armed Guards. Yeah, That Crazy Obama Thinking His Kids Need Special Protection. I Love The Nra Accusing Anyone Of Being Paranoid. It's Like A Septic Tank Saying, 'you Need A Mint.'

Women Cannot Complain About Men Anymore Until They Start Getting Better Taste In Them.

This Is My Question For Conservatives: Don't You Want To Live, Too?

Your Taxes Are Due A Week From Today. You Can Make Out Your Check Directly To Halliburton. Or You Can Do What I'm Going To Do. I'm Filing My First Joint Return. No, I'm Not Getting Married, I'm Sending The Irs An Actual Joint With A Note That Says, 'if You Think I'm Paying For This War, You Must Be High.'

I'd Just Like To Know What A Cop Would Have To Do To Get Indicted - And What Good Are Cop Cameras Since Eric Garner Is On Tape?

The Younger Generation Is Supposed To Rage Against The Machine, Not For It. They're Supposed To Question Authority, Not Question Those Who Question Authority.

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People Have Romantic Notions About Television. In The Highest Realms They Think It's Some Sort Of Art Medium, And It's Not. Others Think It's An Entertainment Medium, It's Not That Either. It's An Advertising Medium. It's A Method To Deliver Advertising Like A Cigarette Is A Method To Deliver Nicotine.

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Recognition Is One Of The Three Big Elements Of Comedy.

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The Answer Isn't Another Pill. The Answer Is Spinach.

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In Ten Muslim Countries You Can Get The Death Penalty Just For Being Gay. If They Were Chopping The Heads Off Of Gay People In The Vatican, Wouldn't There Be A Greater Outcry Among Liberals?

Newt Gingrich...is Absolutely For Bombing Iran And For Lowering Gas Prices. And I've Just To Say, You Can't Be For Both. They Are Diametrically Opposed.

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Naturally The Smart Thing To Do To Solve Your Economic Woes Is To Demonize The Democrats. And Of Course, Sarah Palin Is More Than Happy To Oblige. She's Been Saying That Obama Hangs Out With Terrorists. And You Know, I Think The Evangelical Lady Who's In A Video Getting Blessed By A Witch Doctor, Who's Married To A Secessionist, And Can't Name A Newspaper -- She's Right, Obama Is Scary.

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I Feel Terrible For A Palestinian Child Who Dies. But, If It's Your Father, Your Brother Or Your Uncle Who Was Firing Those Rockets Into Israel, Whose Fault Is It Really? Do You Really Expect The Israelis Not To Retaliate?

If You, The Citizen, Deliberately Vote For Someone Who Won't Give You Healthcare Over Someone Who Will, You Need To Have Your Head Examined. Except You Can't Afford To Have Your Head Examined.

If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

Halloween Is A Day When We All Get To Fool People Into Thinking We're Someone Else. Or As Mitt Romney Calls It, Campaigning.

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I Never Hear Terrorists Say 'merry Christmas,' Only 'allahu Akbar'.

Merry Christmas

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

President Obama Invited John Mccain To The White House To Give His Opinion On Egypt, Specifically What It's Like To Be A Mummy.

To Me, Being Brave Is An Element That Is So Important With Stand-up Comedy. It's Not Essential. There Are Many Comics Who Were Just Funny, And That's Fine, Too. But That's Never Been What I Was Trying To Do In Comedy. I Was Always Trying To Do Something That Involved Not Pandering To The Audience.

Recently, There's Been A Trend In America That I Find Very Disturbing... Rewarding Immoral And Illegal Behavior...for Example, We Now Give Free Needles To Junkies, Which Seems To Me To Be Only A Step Away From Giving Condoms To Rapists.

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Selling Pot Allowed Me To Get Through College And Make Enough Money To Start Off In Comedy.

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Hi, I'm Bill. I'm A Birth Survivor.

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Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

We Need More People Speaking Out. This Country Is Not Overrun With Rebels And Free Thinkers. It's Overrun With Sheep And Conformists.

New Rule: Food Companies Must Face The Facts: One Container Equals One Serving. Look, We’re Americans, And That Means Once We Open The Bag, There’s No Stopping Us Until We’re Licking Stray Bits Of Powdered Cheese Off The Carpet. So Stop Trying To Give Us Nutritional Information Based On A Fraction Of The Package. It Assumes A Talent For Two Things That We’re Really Not Capable Of: Restraint And Math.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

The Tea Baggers, They're Not A Movement, They're A Cult.... Cults Tend To Populate From Within, Encouraging Members To Have Huge Broods Of Children And To Give Them Strange Names, Like Moonbeam, And Trig.

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee And Tom Tancredo - Those Were The Three Guys Who Said They Do Not Believe In Evolution. The Irony Will Be On Them When Their Campaigns Die Off In Favor Of Stronger, Fitter Campaigns.

When We Talk About Values, I Think Of Rationality In Solving Problems. That's Something I Value. Fairness, Kindness, Generosity, Tolerance. That's Different. When They [conservative Right Wing Republicans] Talk About Values, They're Talking About Things Like Going To Church, Voting For Bush, Being Loyal To Jesus, Praying. These Are Not Values.

Rush Limbaugh, Who Has Made A Career Preaching That Anybody Who Does Drugs Has Got To Go Right To Jail - Do Not Pass Go, No Questions Asked, Right To Jail - Gets Caught Doing Thirty Oxycontin A Day. Thirty Oxycontin?! Do You Have Any Idea How High That Is?! I Don't, And I've Been Pretty High!

It's Been Over A Year Since They've Graduated, But Neither Of The Bush Twins Have Found Any Work. Why Don't They Sign Up (for Military Service In Iraq)? Do They Hate America, Or Just Freedom In General?

The [libyan] Rebels This Week Kind Of Hinted To The United States That They Could Use A Little Help. Right. Like, America Would Just Blunder Around The Middle East Killing People Without All The Facts. That Doesn't Sound Like The America I Know.

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

Let's Face It; God Has A Big Ego Problem. Why Do We Always Have To Worship Him?

Americans Are Gluttons. We Shop With Forklifts. We Have A Holiday Where We Stuff Food Into Other Food. Our Strippers Wrestle In Jell-o, Where Other Countries Have To Use Mud.

I Used To Stay At The Trump [hotels] And I Just Wouldn't Now. The People Were Great, But I Wouldn't Stay At A 'birther' Hotel.

I Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Even When I Was A Little Kid. I Had A Funny Father Who Was In The News Business, By The Way. He Was A Radio News Guy. So The News Was Always In My House, And Funny Was Always In My House. It Was Sort Of Just Baked Into The Dna That I Would Do This For A Living, But I Can Remember Being Less Than 10 Years Old And Dreaming About Being A Comedian.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

You Can't Claim You're For Peace If You're Not Willing To Disturb It.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Has Come Out Against Gay Marriage. He Said Marriage Is A Sacred Union Between A Groupie And Any Number Of Body Builders.

The Republican Party Is Like The Corpse In 'weekend At Bernies' And The Tea Party Is Like The Two Guys Who Put Sunglasses And A Party Hat On It And Drag It Around.

Rick Santorum Said This Week That His 12-year-old Could Out-reason Me About God. Look, I Am Not About To Debate A Home-schooled 12-year-old. I Have Enough Trouble With Sarah Palin.

When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But Obama Looks Like He Does Need A Teleprompter.

[the Republicans] Are Always Asking The Muslims To Denounce Their Extremists. And I Agree With Them. But They Don't Take That Note And Do It Among Their Own. They Don't Denounce Their Own Extremists.

In Washington, The Air Quality Today Was Described As 'red.'...you Know What 'red' Is? It's Bad For Everyone. Not Just Old People, Sick People And Babies. When It's Just Bad For Old People, Sick People And Babies, That's Called A Republican Budget.

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

When I See The Toothless Guy, As A Liberal, What I Say Is, 'i Want To Help You Get Teeth.' Why Does That Make Me An A**hole?

Remember, Guns Don't Kill People - Unless You Practice Real Hard.

There Is A Big Difference Between A Disappointing Friend And A Deadly Enemy. Of Course The Democrats Are Disappointing. That's What Makes Them Democrats. If They Were Any More Frustrating They'd Be Your Relatives. But In This Country They Are All That Stands Between You And Darkest Night. You Know Why Their Symbol Is The Letter 'd'? Because It's A Grade That Means Good Enough, But Just Barely. You Know Why The Republican Symbol Is 'r'? Because It's The Noise A Pirate Makes When He Robs You And Feeds You To A Shark.

I Don't Know Anyone Less Jesus Like Than Christians.

If You Can Look At A Crime Where Everything Points To One Answer And Not See It, You're A Dumb-ass. And If You Can Look At The Deficit And Not See That The Problem Is That The Rich Stopped Paying Taxes, You're A Republican.

What Is Kanye West's Message? Like Most Rap, "i Am The Greatest Person Ever And You're Not." I Used To Call It Affirmative Action For The Ego.

New Rule: There Is No Devil, So Stop Blaming Your Screw-ups On Him. Last Week, One Of The Biggest Evangelical Leaders In America, The Reverend Ted Haggard, Was Outed For Drugs And Extramarital Gay Sex With A Male Prostitute. Or As Fox News Reported It, 'john Kerry Hates Our Troops'.

The Media Is All Over This Oui Interview That Arnold Did 25 Years Ago. Now, He's Admitted He Smoked Pot, Had Group Sex And Didn't Mind Dating A Girl That Was Out Of Shape And Kind Of Fat If She Satisfied Him Sexually. So, His Handlers Have Stopped Comparing Him To Reagan And Started Comparing Him To Clinton.

The Republicans Released Their 'pledge To America.' It's 21 Pages Of Phony Charts And Bad Ideas. Sarah Palin Got A Copy, And She Said, 'how Am I Supposed To Fit All This Crap On My Hand?

And What Is The Republican Solution To These Outrageous [racial] Inequalities? There Isn't One. And That's The Point. Denying Racism Is The New Racism. To Not Acknowledge Those Statistics, To Think Of That As A 'black Problem' And Not An American Problem. To Believe, As A Majority Of Fox Viewers Do, That Reverse-racism Is A Bigger Problem Than Racism, That's Racist.

Just Because Your Tattoo Has Chinese Characters In It Doesn't Make You Spiritual. It's Right Above The Crack Of Your Ass, And It Translate To Beef With Broccoli. The Last Time You Did Anything Spiritual, You Were Praying To God You Weren't Pregnant. You're Not Spiritual. You're Just High.

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Vittorio Alfieri

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