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Well, The American Public Always Wanted To Vote For A Guy And Bush Was The Perfect Guy Who They'd Want To Have Over For Pot-roast. And George Bush Is That Guy. He Does That Well. You'd Like To Have Him Over For Pot-roast. He Reminds You Of Yourself. Okay. Well, Now He's Been Over, He's Had The Pot-roast. But He's Getting Drunk And Now He's Talking About Stem Cells And Terri Schiavo And Gay Marriage. And Now He's The Guest That Won't Leave.

-Bill Maher

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Well, The American Public

Bill Maher

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Well, The American Public Always Wanted To Vote For A Guy And Bush Was The Perfect Guy Who They'd Want To Have Over For Pot-roast. And George Bush Is That Guy. He Does That Well. You'd Like To Have Him Over For Pot-roast. He Reminds You Of Yourself. Okay. Well, Now He's Been Over, He's Had The Pot-roast. But He's Getting Drunk And Now He's Talking About Stem Cells And Terri Schiavo And Gay Marriage. And Now He's The Guest That Won't Leave.

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Denying Racism Is The New Racism.

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A Flu Shot Is The Worst Thing You Can Do.

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If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

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Next Week John Boehner Will Be Sitting Behind Barack Obama At The State Of The Union Address. I Think Obama Should Purposely Try To Embarrass Him By Telling The Story Of 'old Yeller.' The State Of Our Union Is Strong, But Not So Good For One Special Dog.'

Who Takes Care Of Their People Better? Fema Or Hezbollah?

Anything Is Depressing If You Dwell On It. The Fact That Religion Could End The World? Yeah, I Guess That Could Be Considered Depressing. But Considering That There's Also A Lot To Laugh At, I Think It's A Good Balance.

Many People Can't Deal With Unanswered Questions, Which Religion Exploits By Providing Answers, Even If They Are Just Made Up By Someone. This Is Also Why We Love Tv Shows And Movies That Neatly Wrap Up Everything In Exactly An Hour Or Two.

I Think The Funniest Stuff Comes From The Heaviest Stuff.

Why Is Mitt Romney Not Bragging: 'i Covered All These People'? Why Can't The Democrats Sell The Idea, We're Trying To Make You Well? Is That Such A Hard Sale?

If Anybody Is So Mad At Vladimir Putin, You Know What They Could Do? They Could Advocate For A Gas Tax. He Gets All His Leverage From Selling Gas And Oil. If We Had A Gas Tax That Made That Less Palatable, He Would Be Less Of A Player On The World Stage.

You Know... There Is A Name For People Who Are Always Wrong About Everything All The Time.... Husband!!!

When You Look At Belief In Such Things - As Do You Go To Heaven, Is There A Devil - We Have More In Common With (muslin Countries) Turkey And Iran And Syria Than We Do With European Nations And Canada And Nations That, Yes, I Would Consider More Enlightened That Us.

I Always Say People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right. I Like To Be Nice Too, But Come On. People Frequently Ask Me, What Is My Definition Of Politically Correct. My Answer Is Always The Same: The Elevation Of Sensitivity Over Truth. People Would Rather Be Nice Than Right, Rather Be Sensitive Than True. Well, Being Nice And Sensitive Are Important, But They're Not More Important Than Being Right; They're Not More Important Than The Truth.

This Ted Cruz Guy, I Mean, He Incurred The Wrath, Really, Of His Own Party. They Don't Like Him. Democrats Hate Him. Independents Hate Him. Republicans Hate Him. Even Miley Cyrus, He's The One Guy She Refuses To Lick.

President Bush Is Supporting Arnold But A Lot Of Republicans Are Not, Because He Is Actually Quite Liberal. Karl Rove Said If His Father Wasn't A Nazi, He Wouldn't Have Any Credibility With Conservatives At All.

The Cable Tv Sex Channels Don't Expand Our Horizons, Don't Make Us Better People, And Don't Come In Clearly Enough.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

It's A Good Time To Say "oh" And Take Stock And Say, "gee, How Was I Ethically This Year?" That's The Problem With Faith, Joe. What It Does Is It Kind Of Screws Up Your Priorities. Your Priorities Shouldn't Be Saving Your Own Ass, Which Is The Focus Of Christianity. The Focus Should Be, I'm A Good Person, And I Do That Just For The Sake Of Being Good. Like The Christmas Song Says, "be Good For Goodness' Sake."

When Consumers Know Things, They Tend To Make Informed Choices, And That Could Affect Corporate Profits. I'm Sorry, But Your Right To Know Is Always Going To Be Outweighed By Their Right To Hide It From You.

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

Why Did Mitt Romney Strap His Dog To The Roof Of His Car? Could It Be Because His Station Wagon Was Full Of Wives?

Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee And Tom Tancredo - Those Were The Three Guys Who Said They Do Not Believe In Evolution. The Irony Will Be On Them When Their Campaigns Die Off In Favor Of Stronger, Fitter Campaigns.

New Rule: Gay Marriage Won't Lead To Dog Marriage. It Is Not A Slippery Slope To Rampant Inter-species Coupling. When Women Got The Right To Vote, It Didn't Lead To Hamsters Voting. No Court Has Extended The Equal Protection Clause To Salmon. And For The Record, All Marriages Are "same Sex" Marriages. You Get Married, And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

I Was Out At The Hbo Party, These Are Liberals, I Imagine, And A Lot Of People Came Up To Me And Said, "keep Giving It To The President."

I Don't Think George Bush Is A Good President By Any Imagination, But When He Said, 'if You're Talking To Al-quaeda, We Want To Know What It's About,' It Just Proves One Thing: If You're President Long Enough, You Will One Day Say Something That Is True.

The President Said That Gold Told Him To Invade Iraq. You See That's What Happens When You Mix New Testament And Old Milwaukee.

New Rule: News Organizations Have To Stop Using The Phrase: "we Go Beyond The Headlines." That's Your Job, Dummy. You Don't See American Airlines Saying, "we Land Our Jets On The Runway"!

People Say I'm Into Black Women. Robert De Niro Is Into Black Women. I'm Just Into Women Who Are Real, And They Happen To Be Black.

If We Go Back To The Beginning, We Shall Find That Ignorance And Fear Created The Gods; That Fancy, Enthusiasm, Or Deceit Adorned Them; That Weakness Worships Them; That Credulity Preserves Them And That Custom, Respect And Tyranny Support Them In Order To Make The Blindness Of Men Serve Their Own Interests. If The Ignorance Of Nature Gave Birth To Gods, The Knowledge Of Nature Is Calculated To Destroy Them.

New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

The Thing I Don't Understand About Homosexuals Is, How Do They Decide Which One Is The One Who's Supposed To Pretend They Don't Want It?

A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

I'm Not Into Western Medicine. That To Me Is A Complete Scare Tactic.

African American Congressman Bobby Rush Wore A Hoodie On The Floor Of Congress To Make A Point This Week. And They Threw Him Out. They Said A Hoodie Is Too Scary For Congress. Too Scary? Have You Ever Looked Into Michele Bachmann's Eyes?

African American

I Hear This All The Time: 'obama's Policies Aren't Working.' He Hasn't Been Allowed To Put His Policies Into Place.

I Know A Whole Generation Has Been Raised On The Notion Of Multiculturalism; That All Civilizations Are Just Different. No! Not Always. Sometimes Things Are Better! Rule Of Law Is Better Than Autocracy And Theocracy; Equality Of The Sexes, Better; Protection Of Minorities, Better; Free Speech, Better; Free Elections, Better; Free Appliances With Large Purchases, Better! Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

Rush Limbaugh, Who Has Made A Career Preaching That Anybody Who Does Drugs Has Got To Go Right To Jail - Do Not Pass Go, No Questions Asked, Right To Jail - Gets Caught Doing Thirty Oxycontin A Day. Thirty Oxycontin?! Do You Have Any Idea How High That Is?! I Don't, And I've Been Pretty High!

Trusting The Government To Monitor Your Calls Without Listening. It's Kind Of Like Trusting Chris Christie To Pick Up The Mcdonald's And Not Eat The Fries On The Way Home.

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Elizabeth Bibesco

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