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Yes, In Baseball When The Team Stinks, You Fire The Manager. But You Don't Fire Him Because It Rains. And You Don't Let The Opposing Team Choose A New Manager For You. And You Don't Fire Him Between Innings. And Replace Him With A Viennese Weightlifter.

-Bill Maher

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Yes, In Baseball When

Bill Maher

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Yes, In Baseball When The Team Stinks, You Fire The Manager. But You Don't Fire Him Because It Rains. And You Don't Let The Opposing Team Choose A New Manager For You. And You Don't Fire Him Between Innings. And Replace Him With A Viennese Weightlifter.

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I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

The Clinton White House Today Said They Would Start To Give National Security And Intelligence Briefings To George Bush. I Don't Know How Well This Is Working Out. Today After The First One Bush Said, 'i've Got One Question: What Color Is The Red Phone?'

You're Not A Patriot Unless Even When You Lose, It's Still Your Country.

Just Because Your Tattoo Has Chinese Characters In It Doesn't Make You Spiritual. It's Right Above The Crack Of Your Ass, And It Translate To Beef With Broccoli. The Last Time You Did Anything Spiritual, You Were Praying To God You Weren't Pregnant. You're Not Spiritual. You're Just High.

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My Thinking Is, Government Is Really There To Do The Things That People Absolutely Can't Do For Themselves. And That's Mostly Involved With The Things That Might Kill You. And What Might Kill Me? The Environment And Terrorism.

[obamacare] Was Going To Be The Republicans' Big Issue, And They're Not Talking About It Because It's Working.

I Have A Theory That The Internet Makes People Stupider. And Also Fox News Makes People Stupider.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

Ted Cruz, Of Course, Was Furious That The Big Storm Back East Shut Down The Government. He Said, 'that My Job!' But You Know, There Is A Big Difference Between Ted Cruz And Snow. Both Are White And Everyone’s Sick Of Them – But Eventually Snow Goes Away.

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

Did You See Britney Spears At The Video Music Awards? I Don't Want To Say That That Performance Was A Disaster, But After The Show, I Saw Rudy Giuliani Having His Picture Taken Standing On Her.

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

New Rule: There Is No Devil, So Stop Blaming Your Screw-ups On Him. Last Week, One Of The Biggest Evangelical Leaders In America, The Reverend Ted Haggard, Was Outed For Drugs And Extramarital Gay Sex With A Male Prostitute. Or As Fox News Reported It, 'john Kerry Hates Our Troops'.

Marvel Comics Announced That The Next Captain America Will Be Black. He Has The Same Powers As White Captain America, Except He Has To Show I.d. When He Votes.

Even When [federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke Said The Recession Was Over ... You Think That Would Have Been A Bigger Boom Somewhere, But It Seems We Just Take Everything In Stride.

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

This Is Why Rational People - Anti-religionists - Must End Their Timidity And Come Out Of Their Closet And Assert Themselves.

Every Time Somebody Says 'islamophobia' It Gives The People Who Are Intimidating Cover.

Nobody Sees People As People. It's All How They Relate To My Little Group.

Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo This Week And He Was Bitten By A Penguin. Newt Gingrich Is Always Campaigning At Zoos. Mitt Romney Once Did A Photo Op At A Zoo. That Was A Big Mistake, Because He Stood Next To The Chameleon, And He Changed Colors.

A New Biography Came Out That Says That In High School Obama Was A Huge Pothead … Mitt Romney Had To Respond To This And Said, ‘it Is Appalling That Obama Spent His Teenage Years Goofing Around And Smoking Pot When He Should Have Been Pinning Down Gay Kids And Cutting Their Hair.

We Survived The 1980's. Back Then, The Economic Program Was Called 'trickle Down.' That Actually Meant They Were Pissing On You. How The Whole Theory Goes Was This: 'we Have All The Money. If We Drop Some, It's Yours. Go For It.'

We've Created Over 200,000 Jobs Every Month This Year. Hasn't Happened In 17 Years. I Guess My First Question Is, When Do The Republicans Stop Calling It 'obama's Economy'?

Stand-up Is Great Because I Can Get Everything Off My Chest.

Mitt Romney Comes From A Mormon Background. I Don't Know How Many Wives He Has. I'm Not Saying That I Believe In That, I'm Just Saying He Was Born On A Mormon Compound. I'm Not A 'wifer' But For Some Reason He's Never Shown His Original Marriage Certificate.

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

When I Do Stand-up Around The Country, I Often See People Walk Out. This Is A Show That They've Purposely Gone To, Where My Name Is On The Ticket, And It Cost Them $75 Or Something. So, You Think, Wow, That Means That They Either Didn't Know Very Much About Me When They Bought Their Tickets Or They're That Offended By What I've Said. I've Been Doing This A Long Time. Anybody Who Comes To One Of My Shows Must Sort Of Have An Idea Of Where I'm Coming From.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

John Mccain, Who Once Called Jerry Falwell And Pat Robertson 'forces Of Evil', Has Now Come Out For Teaching Intelligent Design. That Is Sad, When Smart People Have To Pretend To Be So Dumb To Get Elected.

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

We Have Been The Cowards Lobbing Cruise Missiles From 2,000 Miles Away. That's Cowardly. Staying In The Airplane When It Hits The Building, Say What You Want About It, It's Not Cowardly.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

You Can't Lie To Kids About Drugs. They Know About Drugs. You Can't Say They're Just All Bad. They Know Life Is A Little More Complicated. I Have Never Done Heroin. I Would Never Recommend Heroin, But It Hasn't Hurt My Record Collection.

You're Either A Rationalist, Or You're Not. And The Good News Is A Recent Poll Found 20% Of Adults Under 30 Say They Are Rationalists, And Have Figured Out That Santa Claus And Jesus Are Really The Same Guy. Now, 20% Is Hardly A Majority. But It's A Bigger Minority Than Blacks, Jews, Homosexuals, Nra Members, Teachers, Or Seniors... And It's Certainly Enough To Stop Being Shy About Expressing The Opinion That We're Not The Crazy Ones!

The Jury Could Get The Case As Early As Next Week, But The Defense Says They Just Want To Introduce One Last-minute Load Of Crap.

Tea Party Has Now Cost The Republicans 5 Senate Seats. My Next Donation Is Going To Them.

Freedom Isn't Free. It Shouldn't Be A Bragging Point That 'oh, I Don't Get Involved In Politics,' As If That Makes Someone Cleaner. No, That Makes You Derelict Of Duty In A Republic. Liars And Panderers In Government Would Have A Much Harder Time Of It If So Many People Didn't Insist On Their Right To Remain Ignorant And Blindly Agreeable.

The Teachers Don't Know Anything. What Are The Kids Going To Learn With A Horrible Education System?

The Public Is Gullible. ... If [many Satirists Are] Making The Same Joke, That's The Danger. Then There's A Solidifying Effect And It Becomes A Truth.

Now That They've Finished Reading The Constitution Out Loud, The Teabaggers Must Call Out That Group Of Elitist Liberals Whose Values Are So Antithetical To Theirs. I'm Talking Of Course About The Founding Fathers, Who The Teabaggers Believe Are Just Like Them, But Aren't. One Is A Group Of Exclusively White Men Who Live In A Bygone Century, Have Bad Teeth, And Think Of Blacks As 3/5 Of A Person, And The Other Are The Founding Fathers.

I Am So Tired Of Rearranging My Life Around What The Stupidest People Might Do.

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