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New Rule: If An Evangelical Tries To Use Halloween To Pimp Jesus To Kids, They Get To Egg His House. On Halloween, The President Of The American Family Association Urged His Flock To Hand Out A Christian-based Comic Book Instead Of Candy. Excuse Me, Halloween Isn't A Time To Push Your Beliefs. You Don't See Me Handing Out Pot To Kids...okay, Well Not The Little Kids.

-Bill Maher

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New Rule: If An

Bill Maher

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New Rule: If An Evangelical Tries To Use Halloween To Pimp Jesus To Kids, They Get To Egg His House. On Halloween, The President Of The American Family Association Urged His Flock To Hand Out A Christian-based Comic Book Instead Of Candy. Excuse Me, Halloween Isn't A Time To Push Your Beliefs. You Don't See Me Handing Out Pot To Kids...okay, Well Not The Little Kids.

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The Food Is Out Of This World!

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I Can't Stay Mad At Pope Frank. I Just Can't. It's A Funny Situation That I Like The Pope And Mel Gibson Doesn't.

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In The Republican Party, Crazy Is A Constituency.

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Eric Holder, Our Attorney General, Says The Mr. Snowden Will Be Brought To Justice. Just As Soon As We Can Find Someone Who Can Track His Calls And Read His Emails.

Yes, In Baseball When The Team Stinks, You Fire The Manager. But You Don't Fire Him Because It Rains. And You Don't Let The Opposing Team Choose A New Manager For You. And You Don't Fire Him Between Innings. And Replace Him With A Viennese Weightlifter.

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The Dalai Lama Visited The White House And Told The President That He Could Teach Him To Find A Higher State Of Consciousness. Then After Talking To Bush For A Few Minutes, He Said, 'you Know What? Let's Just Grab Lunch.'

What Is With This Campy Fixation On All Things Ronald Reagan? They Talk About Him The Way Gay People Talk About Barbra Streisand. I Think They Want Him On A Stamp So They Can Lick His Ass. I Think They Wanted To Name Airports After Him So They Can Say, "i'm Coming Into Reagan!"

I'm Against Suing Tobacco Companies. I Think Abstinence Is A Perversion. I Think Bush's Lies Are Worse Than Clinton's. I Think Vegas Was Better When It Was Run By The Mob. I Think Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options. I Think Stereotypes Are True And Rehab Is For Quitters.

I'm Not A Joiner. I Don't Like Organizations.

To Me A Real Patriot Is Like A Real Friend. Who's Your Real Friend? It's The Person Who Tells You The Truth. That's Who My Real Friends Are. So, You Know, I Think As Far As Our Country Goes, We Need More People Who Will Do That.

The Difference Between A Gop Convention And Comic-con Is That The People At Comic-con Have A Much Firmer Grasp Of Reality.

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I Feel Terrible For A Palestinian Child Who Dies. But, If It's Your Father, Your Brother Or Your Uncle Who Was Firing Those Rockets Into Israel, Whose Fault Is It Really? Do You Really Expect The Israelis Not To Retaliate?

Is It Like Gay Men Go Into The Priesthood Because They Figure, Well, This'll Solve My Problem. I Can't Be A Homosexual In The Priesthood; It'll Just Go Away. Maybe I'll Try It With The Republican Party.

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40% Of Homicides Go Unsolved. You Know, It's Not A Very Good Record. And, Also, 95% Of Convictions In America Come From Plea Bargaining, Which Is Often Coerced. It's Like We Have The Worst Of Both Worlds. We Don't Convict The Guilty Enough, And We Coerce The Innocent Too Much.

The [libyan] Rebels This Week Kind Of Hinted To The United States That They Could Use A Little Help. Right. Like, America Would Just Blunder Around The Middle East Killing People Without All The Facts. That Doesn't Sound Like The America I Know.

I'm Okay With It Now That Obama’s In Office. I'm Kind Of Trusting Of Him. But President Ted Cruz? Where This Is Going Would Bother Me.

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I'm Not Into Western Medicine. That To Me Is A Complete Scare Tactic.

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Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

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[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

People Say I'm Into Black Women. Robert De Niro Is Into Black Women. I'm Just Into Women Who Are Real, And They Happen To Be Black.

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Who Takes Care Of Their People Better? Fema Or Hezbollah?

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Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

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Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

Because Of The Republicans, I'm Not Ashamed Of Being An American. I'm Embarrassed!

It's So Childish, "greatest Country In The World." It's Like Saying, "i Have The Greatest Wife In The World. Not Just The One Best Suited For Me, The Greatest Wife In The World. And If You Could Have My Wife, You'd Kill Your Wife."

Again, (america Is) A Stupid Country With Stupid People Who Don't Pay Attention.

If You Think You Have It Tough, Read History Books.

You Can't Get Saved If You Don't Play.

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I Would Describe My Spirituality As Exactly The Opposite Of Having A Religious Affiliation.

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The Thing I Don't Understand About Homosexuals Is, How Do They Decide Which One Is The One Who's Supposed To Pretend They Don't Want It?

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Space Tourism Is God's Way Of Telling You You Aren't Spending Enough On Lap Dances, Baccarat And Cocaine.

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I Think The Reason Why More Rapists Go Into The Military Is The Same Reason Why Predators Go Into The Catholic Church. It's A Place They Know They Can Get Away With It.

The Comedy Gods Are Smiling On Me Tonight.

You Know, We Do A Lot Of Complaining Here In America. And That Itself Is Something They Can't Do In A Lot Of Other Countries.

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

If The Bible Myth Of Jonah In The Whale And The Mother Goose Myth Of Jack And The Beanstalk Were Switched At Birth So That Jack In The Beanstalk Were In The Bible, Do You Think Any Child Would Notice?

Barack Obama Is The President Of The United States, A Politician In America, A Very Religious Country, So I Understand Why He Has To Pretend To Be A Religious Person Himself. I Say Pretend Because, I Can Only Hope That Someone As Bright As He, Wouldn't Really Believe That People Can Walk On Water And Ride A Winged Horse And Rain Frogs And You Can Change Water Into Wine.

In Europe, Socialism Is Just Another Political Party. It Just Means That Government Takes Over Certain Things Like Hospitals, Prisons, Military And Schools That Should Not Be Run For Profit.

The American People Don't Really Care What Side Of An Issue You're On. They Just Don't Want You To Act Like A Pussy.

Just Honest. To Me, Being 'politically Incorrect' Means The Opposite Of Being Political -- Which Means To Spin Everything. That's All It's Ever Meant To Me. It's Never Meant Liberal Or Conservative. It Means Honest.

Stand-up Is Great Because I Can Get Everything Off My Chest.

The Media Is All Over This Oui Interview That Arnold Did 25 Years Ago. Now, He's Admitted He Smoked Pot, Had Group Sex And Didn't Mind Dating A Girl That Was Out Of Shape And Kind Of Fat If She Satisfied Him Sexually. So, His Handlers Have Stopped Comparing Him To Reagan And Started Comparing Him To Clinton.

Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

In The Muslim World, Much Of It, They Cannot Conceive Of Something Coming Out Of The United States That Wouldn't Be Sanctioned By The Government, Because In Their Countries, Everything Is Sanctioned By The Government.

I Thought This Election Was An Adult Discussion On How Best To Protect Ourselves In The Face Of Terrorism, But Apparently It Was A Referendum On Boys Kissing... When Homophobia Trumps Terrorism In America, Wow. This Country Needs To Get Laid.

If You Came Into The Theater Believing In The Talking Snake, It's Kind Of Hard To Leave The Theater Still Believing In The Talking Snake.

People Are Very Narcissistic. It's Not All Their Fault. We Live In A Society Where There Is A Magazine For You, A Channel For You, A Perfume For You.

This Is My Question For Conservatives: Don't You Want To Live, Too?

Let's Be Honest, Half The Marriages End In Divorce. For Me, It's Never Made Much Sense. I Have A Girlfriend And I'm Not Interested In Anyone Else, But I Still Wouldn't Want To Bring The Federal And State Government Into My Life.

You Can't Pray Away Global Warming, And That's The Difference Between Religious People And Sane People.

I Don't Want To Be A Pessimist. I'm A Realist. One Man's Realist Is Another Man's Pessimist.

We Learned This Week That Mitt Romney Is Building A Car Elevator In His House. An Elevator For Your Cars. I Get The Feeling This Guy Wants To Be President So He Has A Place To Live While He's Remodeling His Beach House. ... I'm Not Worried That This Guy Is Out Of Touch. I'm Worried He's Batman. I Could See Mitt As Batman. He Hears About A Robbery, He Changes Into The Magic Underwear, He Rushes To The Crime Scene, And He Helps The Crooks Manage Their New Money.

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

Unemployment Is Down, Confidence Is Up, Dow 5,000 Above Bush - Or As Republicans Put It, Let's Talk About Gay People And Abortion!

New Rule: Gay Marriage Won't Lead To Dog Marriage. It Is Not A Slippery Slope To Rampant Inter-species Coupling. When Women Got The Right To Vote, It Didn't Lead To Hamsters Voting. No Court Has Extended The Equal Protection Clause To Salmon. And For The Record, All Marriages Are "same Sex" Marriages. You Get Married, And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

New Polls Show That Obama Is Now Pulling Away From Mitt Romney. And, Of Course, What Could Be More Natural Than To See Mitt Romney And Pull Away?

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

To A Coward, Courage Always Looks Like Stupidity.

I Urge The Media To Start Referring To Climate Skeptics As What They Really Are: Climate Assholes.

Let's Face It; God Has A Big Ego Problem. Why Do We Always Have To Worship Him?

The President Is Not Doing Well With African Americans. His Popularity Rating - His Approval Rating - With Blacks: Two Percent. Two Percent. That Is Somewhere Between Mark Fuhrman And Sickle Cell Anemia.

Approval Rating

The Rebel Army In Libya Is Just Like 1,000 Guys In Toyota Trucks. The World Is Asking The Question; Can 1000 Anti-government Guys In Pick-up Trucks With Small Arms, Take Over A Country Of Millions? To Which I Say, Ask The Teabaggers.

Hey Birthers, Wanna Hear My Theory? My Theory Was That Obama Was Born In America And You Were Born With The Umbilical Cord Around Your Neck.

Democrats Are Lame. The Media Is Lame. And Donald Trump Hasn't Even Played His War Card Yet. You Know, He Could Start A War And Get A Lot Of Support There.

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

You Know... There Is A Name For People Who Are Always Wrong About Everything All The Time.... Husband!!!

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

The Democrats Are Very Bad At Selling Their Own Product. The Republicans Are Geniuses At It. And I've Said It Before, A Bad Product Well Apologized For Is Superior In This Country To A Good Product.

President Obama Invited John Mccain To The White House To Give His Opinion On Egypt, Specifically What It's Like To Be A Mummy.

To Even Win A Nomination In This Country, You Have To Say You're A Person Of Great Faith. You Have To Pledge To The People Out There That You Put Your Faith In Things That Are Unable To Be Proven - That You Suspend Critical Thinking As The Way To Go.

What Does It Take For Republicans To Take Off The Flag Pin And Say, 'i Am Just Too Embarrassed To Be On This Team'?

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Hazrat Inayat Khan

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