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New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

-Bill Maher

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New Rule: Stop Asking

Bill Maher

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New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

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The New York Times - But The Whole Country Gives It That Weight. It's Like The Asian Kid In Math Class. Everybody In The Media Cheats Off The New York Times.

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All Marriages Are Same Sex Marriages. You Get Married And Every Night, It's The Same Sex.

In Europe, Socialism Is Just Another Political Party. It Just Means That Government Takes Over Certain Things Like Hospitals, Prisons, Military And Schools That Should Not Be Run For Profit.

Maybe A President Who Didn't Believe Our Soldiers Were Going To Heaven Might Be A Little Less Willing To Get Them Killed.

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You Can't Lie To Kids About Drugs. They Know About Drugs. You Can't Say They're Just All Bad. They Know Life Is A Little More Complicated. I Have Never Done Heroin. I Would Never Recommend Heroin, But It Hasn't Hurt My Record Collection.

Ebola Has Arrived In New York City. And I Say, 'if It Can Make It There...it Can Make It Anywhere!'

The President Had A Press Conference About This This Week And He Said That The U.s. Has No Plans To Attack North Korea. And Then He Added, 'like Having No Plan Ever Stopped Me Before.'. He Has Something Even More Deadly In Store For Them - We're Going To Bring Them Democracy.

They Are Having A Panel Look Into The Intelligence Failures In Iraq. It Is A Seven-person Panel And It Will Include Senator John Mccain, But The Findings From This Panel Will Not Be Issued Until After The Election. President Bush Says The Commission Can Go Off And Report Back In A Year, You Know, The Same Way It Works In The Texas National Guard.

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Glenn Beck Retired Or Got Fired...and A Lot Of People Are Asking Who Will Now Speak For The Raving Lunatics Who Startle You Outside Of A Parking Garage?

In New York, Catholic Groups Have Forced An Art Gallery To Shut Down An Exhibition Of A Six-foot Image Of Jesus In Chocolate. So, The Archbishop Of New York Was Very Upset. He Said, 'it Is Appalling To Make Jesus Out Of Food! Now, If You'll Excuse Me, I Have To Go Bake Some Communion Wafers.'

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

Unemployment Is Down, Confidence Is Up, Dow 5,000 Above Bush - Or As Republicans Put It, Let's Talk About Gay People And Abortion!

The People [in The Usa] Are Not Very Well Informed. They Certainly Don`t Know History. They Certainly Are Not Interested In Foreign Affairs Very Much, Unless It Comes Right To Their Doorstep. They All Learn History Through Wars. They Learn Geography Through Wars.

Nowas You All Know, This Week, Pope Benedict Told Vatican Radio—you Know, Vatican Radio, Playing The Hits From The 8th Century, 9th Century And Today—benedict Told Them He Was Going To Resign Because The Church Needs A Fresh, Young Face, Somewhere Other Than A Priest's Lap.

When I Was 5-years-old, I Knew Who Khrushchev Was.

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African American Congressman Bobby Rush Wore A Hoodie On The Floor Of Congress To Make A Point This Week. And They Threw Him Out. They Said A Hoodie Is Too Scary For Congress. Too Scary? Have You Ever Looked Into Michele Bachmann's Eyes?

African American

You Want To Spend Your Millions On A Worthless Cause? Try Donating It To The Democrats.

I Feel Terrible For A Palestinian Child Who Dies. But, If It's Your Father, Your Brother Or Your Uncle Who Was Firing Those Rockets Into Israel, Whose Fault Is It Really? Do You Really Expect The Israelis Not To Retaliate?

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

The Hollywood Executives Are, Like, ‘we’re Not Racist, We Just Have To Pretend To Be Racists Because We’re Capitalists. We Want To Sell Our Movies In China (and) They Don’t Like Kevin Hart.’

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Sarah Palin Should Not Be On Vacation. She Should Be In Summer School.

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New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

Now People Want Brian Williams To Resign, But It Could Have A Happy Ending. Apparently What He Said Was Such A Blatant Departure From The Truth, Today He Got An Offer From Fox News.

If Conservatives Get To Call Universal Healthcare 'socialized Medicine,' I Get To Call Private, For-profit Healthcare 'soulless, Vampire Bastards Making Money Off Human Pain.'

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

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People Are Either Good Or They're Not. Religion Doesn't Make Anybody Good, I Don't Think.

I'm Definitely Good. I'm Not Bad; I'm Extremely Honest, And I Allow No Bullshit To Pass By My Radar. And That Will Always Get Lots Of People Thinking You're A Jerk. But There Are People Who Appreciate Total Honesty And Questioning Of The Conformities In Our Society, And I'm Heroic To Those People. And I Should Be. It's An Indictment Of The Rest Of Society Who Doesn't Get That.

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I Never Hear Terrorists Say 'merry Christmas,' Only 'allahu Akbar'.

Merry Christmas

The Teachers Don't Know Anything. What Are The Kids Going To Learn With A Horrible Education System?

It's Understandable Why A Minority That Was Treated As Badly As Blacks In This Country Have Been For So Long Would, When They Finally Found Themselves On Top, Brag About It And Want To Shout From The Rooftops.

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Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

Ask Your Doctor If Getting Off Your Ass Is Right For You

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Their [republicans] Approach To A Woman's Body Is The Same As Their Approach To The Economy: They Have No Idea How It Works, But They're Eager To Screw With It Anyway.

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If You Came Into The Theater Believing In The Talking Snake, It's Kind Of Hard To Leave The Theater Still Believing In The Talking Snake.

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Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

We Don't Do Sensible Things. This Is America.

In America, You’re Allowed To Justify Almost Any Kind Of Bigotry, Sexism, Or Intolerance If You Source It To God’s Big Book Of Bad Ideas.

The Only Sport I Really Get Into Is Snowboarding. Cause That's The Only Sport Where They Perform A Half Pipe Just After Smoking A Full Pipe.

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Jim Bakker Spells His Name With Two K's Because Three Would Be Too Obvious.

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You'd Know If I Was The De-facto Leader Of The Democratic Party, Because You'd Go Down To Walgreen's And Buy A Pack Of Blunts.

Suicide Is Man's Way Of Telling God, 'you Can't Fire Me - I Quit.'

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Because Of The Republicans, I'm Not Ashamed Of Being An American. I'm Embarrassed!

...what I Love About Ann Coulter Is That She's Sort Of The-she's Sort Of A Version Of Myself In That She Absolutely Never Pulls A Punch. Even When She's Saying Something That I Think Is Outrageous, It's What She Really Believes And She Doesn't Back Off Of It. And That Is What I Find So Refreshing And, Unfortunately, So Unique. I Can't Name Five Other People Who Do That, Who Don't Calculate Before They Speak.

Things Aren't Right. If A Burglar Breaks Into Your Home And You Shoot Him, He Can Sue You. For What, Restraint Of Trade?

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

Old Testament, Is Really One Of The Most Wickedest Books You'll Ever Come Across. God Is An Insecure, Rage-filled Hybrid Of Bobby Knight And Suge Knight. He's Got These Anger Issues That You Can't Believe. He's Like John Mccain If Mccain Could Fart Hail. He's Pro-slavery, He's Pro-polygamy, He's Homophobic, He'll Kill You For Masturbating.

When I Was In High School The Worst Thing You Could Ever Get Was Vd. Talk About The Sniffles! I Just Want To Meet An Old-fashioned Girl With Gonorrhea.

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

Face The Fact That There's Only One Sure-fire Way To Erase Credit Card Debt. By Picking Up A Big, Shiny Pair Of Scissors And Cutting Your Wife In Half.

I Think Capital Punishment Works Great. Every Killer You Kill Never Kills Again.

We Have Been The Cowards Lobbing Cruise Missiles From 2,000 Miles Away. That's Cowardly. Staying In The Airplane When It Hits The Building, Say What You Want About It, It's Not Cowardly.

Ronald Reagan Came From Show Business. His Idea Of How The Government Should Help The Homeless Was Like Your Agent. "we'll Try To Get You Work. But Don't Bug Us About It."

It's Been Over A Year Since They've Graduated, But Neither Of The Bush Twins Have Found Any Work. Why Don't They Sign Up (for Military Service In Iraq)? Do They Hate America, Or Just Freedom In General?

That's Ended, That's Over. I Want You To Meet My Pimps. I Thought, I'm A Show-business Ho Already, So I Might As Well Be A Real Ho.

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

My Father Was A News Guy, You Know, He Was In Radio News. And So That Was Sort Of In My Dna. It Was Something We Talked About At The Dinner Table When I Was A Kid.

I Saw This Anti-drug Commercial That Showed A Kid Smoking Pot In His Dad`s Room With His Friend. This Kid Finds A Gun, The Gun Accidentally Goes Off And Kills His Friend. Only In America Is The Villain In This Commercial Not Guns Or Bad Parenting, But Pot.

North Korea Has The Same Ability To Launch A Nuclear Strike Against America As I Do. It's Like Walking Through A Parking Lot And Getting Barked At By A Chihuahua Locked In A Car.

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

Even Somebody Like Bill Clinton, Who I Happen To Admire Very Much, The Second He Was Out Of Office, I Remember, He Was Interview In Rolling Stone And He Said He Thought We Should Have Legalized Marijuana. And I Thought, Gosh, If Only You Were In Some Sort Of Position To Affect Change In The Last Eight Years Where You Could Have Done Something About That.

I Have Such Disdain For Anybody Who Gets Joy Out Of Blowing The Stuffing Out Of A Little Woodland Creature, That I Don't Really Care If Any Of Them Gets Shot.

There's More Attention Paid To Entertainers Than Ever And Less That They Have To Say. Not That Entertainers Were Ever A Great Beacon Of Knowledge To Begin With, But At Least When The Beatles Were The Leaders Of The Culture, They Had A Message. It Was Brief; It Wasn't Terribly Complicated. "give Peace A Chance." "all You Need Is Love." But At Least They Were Trying. At Least They Had Grown.

I Love Jesus. I Just Don't Like The Christians Who Don't Believe In What He Says.

Please Stop Assuming That Longevity And Perfect Health Is Always The Correct Option. No. Sometimes Fun Costs Ya. It Just Does, You Know? And That's Ok, You're Willing To Make That Purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. Was 64 When He Died. Give Me 64 Sammy-years, I'll Be Happy.

Conservatives Claim [hillary] Clinton Campaign Involved In Satanic 'spirit Cooking'.

I Don't Want To Start A Movement That Mirrors Religion. I Don't Want To Create The Church Of The Non-believers Where I'm The Preacher And We're All Gathering Together And Reciting Things.

Treason Is When Legislators Vote Against Homeland Security Measures Because It Goes Against The Wishes Of Their Political Or Financial Backers. Treason Is The Fact That, As A Terrorist, You Could Still Buy A Gun In This Country Because The Nra Lobby Is So Strong.

New Rule: The Rest Of The World Can Go Back To Being Completely Jealous Of America. Our Majority White Country Just Freely Elected A Black President, Something No Other Democracy Has Ever Done. Take That Canada! Where's Your Nubian Warrior President? Your Head Of State Is A Boring White Dude Named Steven Harper, And Mine Is A Kick-ass Black Ninja Named Barack Hussein Obama!

In Ancient Times They Sacrificed The Virgins. Men Were Not About To Sacrifice The Sluts!

I Don't Understand How The Republican Party Is The Party With The Reputation For Fiscal Conservatism And Fiscal Sanity, When They're The Ones Who Run Up The Debt. It Was Reagan Who Ran Up The Debt And Now Bush Is Doing It Again, And In Between, Clinton And Bush's Father, I Must Say, Worked So Hard To Get That Deficit And That Debt Down.

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But Obama Looks Like He Does Need A Teleprompter.

Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

Don't Call Me When You're Stuck In Traffic. It's Not My Fault That Radio Sucks And Did It Ever Occur To You That There Wouldn't Be So Much Traffic If People Like You Put Down The Phone And Concentrated On The Road... Besides I Can't Talk Now, I'm In The Car Behind You Trying To Watch A Dvd.

Laughter Is Sort Of A Natural Truth Detector. If You Laugh At Something, It's Probably Because There Was Some Truth In It.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

Mitt Romney, Who Is On Record Saying That He Would Not Waste Money Going After Bin Laden, And On Record Saying He Would Not Violate Pakistan's Border To Get Bin Laden, This Week Said, 'of Course I Would Have Gotten Bin Laden.' Even His Etch-a-sketch Went, Seriously?

Religion Is Insanity By Consensus.

It Somehow Became An Article Of Faith On The Right That Obama Is The Most Extreme President In American History. Although, When They Say That, I Think What They Really Mean Is...he's Black.

Religion, It Stops People From Thinking Because They Think All The Answers Are In That One Book; It Impedes Progress; It Justifies Crazy People. Flying Planes Into A Building Was A Faith-based Initiative.

Mitt Romney We Think Is Going Run Again. He Says He Has No Plans To Run, But He Said If He Did Run, This Time Things Would Turn Out Differently. Yes They Would. This Time He Would Get His Ass Kicked By A Woman.

When The Tabloids Photograph Me When I'm Out, I Always Say: "you Know What, Folks? I'm Not Married And I'm Not Gay. You Caught Me With A Hot Chick. You Got Me. Take Me To Hot-chick Jail. Did It Again. Guilty."

When You Get People Who Are Out Of Office, Suddenly Their Tongues Loosen Up And Suddenly They Say The Things That You Wish They'd Said Or Did When They Were In Office.

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

The Federal Government... Announced A Plan To Spend, Like, A Trillion Of Taxpayer Dollars To Buy Out Bad Mortgages And Debt. Wall Street Was Surprisingly Enthusiastic About The Plan To Save Their (butts) With Other Peoples' Money. It Was Either That, Or Sarah Palin's Idea To Sell It All On Ebay.

You See, The Difference Is The Republicans' Hatred Of Obama Is Based On A Paranoid Feeling About What He Might Do, What He's Thinking, What He Secretly Wants To Change. Anger With Bush Was Based On What He Actually Did. What Bush Was Thinking Didn't Matter. Because He Wasn't.

People Like The Mormons And The Scientologists, Who I Think Should Combine And Make A Mormontologist Because What They Believe Is Just So Out There It's Just Laughable.

Sam Harris Made That Great Analogy. He Said, 'if Someone Was Talking Into Their Hair Dryer And Claiming That They Were Speaking To God, They Would Call Bellevue. But, Take Away The Hair Dryer, It's Just Praying.'

Hey Birthers, Wanna Hear My Theory? My Theory Was That Obama Was Born In America And You Were Born With The Umbilical Cord Around Your Neck.

There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

The House Okayed The Gasoline Tax Cut, Which Will Increase The Deficit, Line The Pockets Of The Oil Companies, And Hurt The Environment; Dole Said That If There Was Just Some Way This Could Interfere With People's Sex Lives, It Would Be Perfect Legislation.

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

Obama Is Huge In The Polls These Days. His Popularity Is Soaring. Even Conservatives Are Coming Around. 30 Percent Of Them Now Believe Obama Deserves A Green Card.

Bp Today Finally Managed To Almost Completely Stop The Flow Of Information.

[obamacare] Was Going To Be The Republicans' Big Issue, And They're Not Talking About It Because It's Working.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

Women Cannot Complain About Men Anymore Until They Start Getting Better Taste In Them.

As A Loyal American And I Think A Patriotic American, No, I Don't Want Sarah Palin To Be President.

I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Want It To Be Better. The Only Way We Can Get It To Be Better Is To Realistically Criticize What's Wrong With It.

I Think We Do Sympathize. And A Lot Of Us Think A Lot Of What Snowden Did Was Great, And You're Abetting Him. But, We Also Think, Well, If We Are Going To Have Someone Who Is Going To Be The One To Take Secret Materials And Disseminate It...why You? You Weren't Elected To That Post. That Seems To Be What The Question Always Comes Down To.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

The Younger Generation Is Supposed To Rage Against The Machine, Not For It. They're Supposed To Question Authority, Not Question Those Who Question Authority.

Republicans Say That Sex Is Bad, Because With Them It Always Is. It Is!...i'm Sorry, But They're Just Doughy, Asexual, Wonky, White People, And If You Had To Have Sex With Them It Would Be Over In An Excruciating Three Minutes. It's Just, - And From The Headlines Of The Past Year I Gather The Only Sex They're Really Good At, Is Gay Sex. Really.

People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

It Would Be Kind Of A Tragedy If We Got To The End Of Four Years Of Democratic Rule Without Having Really Tried Any Democratic Policies.

The Answer Isn't Another Pill. The Answer Is Spinach.

Everybody Has A Magazine And A Channel. There Are 500 Channels And 500 Magazines, And We Wonder Why We're Not United As A Country.

At Some Point In The Last 20 Years, The Left Moved To The Center, And The Right Moved Into A Mental Institution.

I Would Wager That The Number Of Civilians That Were Killed [in] A Typical Week Under Saddam Hussein Was Probably More Than We Killed During The Weeks We Were At War There.

You Are What You Do. It's About Actions.

I Don't Understand Why The Police Are Infallible. They Remind Me A Lot Of The Catholic Church.

A Flu Shot Just Compromises Your Immune System.

We Have The Bill Of Rights. What We Need Is A Bill Of Responsibilities.

I Know A Whole Generation Has Been Raised On The Notion Of Multiculturalism; That All Civilizations Are Just Different. No! Not Always. Sometimes Things Are Better! Rule Of Law Is Better Than Autocracy And Theocracy; Equality Of The Sexes, Better; Protection Of Minorities, Better; Free Speech, Better; Free Elections, Better; Free Appliances With Large Purchases, Better! Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

A Group Of Cuban Americans Denounced The Castro Government As A Fascist Regime That Monitors And Scrutinized Its Citizens' Everyday Existence. And Then They Excused Themselves To Go Watch Big Brother.

If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

Religions Are Maintained By People. People Who Can't Get Laid, Because Sex Is The First Great Earthly Pleasure. But If You Can't Get That, Power Is A Pretty Good Second One. And That's What Religion Gives To People. Power. Power Is Sex For People Who Can't Get Or Don't Want Or Aren't Any Good At Sex Itself.

The First Amendment Was Specifically Designed For Citizens To Insult Politicians. Libel Laws Were Written To Protect Law Students Speaking Out On Political Issues From Getting Called Whores By Oxycontin Addicts.

Selling Pot Allowed Me To Get Through College And Make Enough Money To Start Off In Comedy.

Not A Lot Of People Know About Tunisia. Sarah Palin Thinks It's The Name Of One Of Obama's Kids.

Many People Can't Deal With Unanswered Questions, Which Religion Exploits By Providing Answers, Even If They Are Just Made Up By Someone. This Is Also Why We Love Tv Shows And Movies That Neatly Wrap Up Everything In Exactly An Hour Or Two.

New Rule: All Fox News Employees Must Now Refer To President Bush As "my Liege". If They Are Going To Treat President Bush Like He's An Infallible King, They Need To Start Addressing Him As If He Was An Infallible King. And They Can Do This By Addressing Him As "my Liege".

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

Is It Like Gay Men Go Into The Priesthood Because They Figure, Well, This'll Solve My Problem. I Can't Be A Homosexual In The Priesthood; It'll Just Go Away. Maybe I'll Try It With The Republican Party.

I Don't Respect Religon. I Don't Respect Superstitious Thinking And That Is What Religous Is.

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The Food Is Out Of This World!

To All Conservative Women Out There: If You Are So Sure The Embryo Needed For Stem Cell Research Are Precious Human Life That Can't Be Destroyed, Then Implant One In Your Uterus And Bring It To Term. That's Right, Put Your Cervix Where Your Mouth Is.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

I Urge The Media To Start Referring To Climate Skeptics As What They Really Are: Climate Assholes.

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If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

I Think Mitt Romney Is A Symptom. I Think The Problem Is The Republican Party.

I'm Just Honest. They [asians] Don't Want To See Black People Generally In Their Movies.

Talk To Women Who've Ever Dated An Arab Man. The Results Are Not Good.

Paul Revere Was Warning The British About Gun Control, And George Washington Apparently Was Crossing The Delaware To Bomb An Abortion Clinic.

New Rule: Someone Has To Tell Francesco Schettino That Embracing A Callous Policy Of "every Man For Himself" Doesn't Make You A Sea Captain. It Makes You The Republican Nominee.

If There Is Such A Thing As Karma, Let's Hope That Sarah Palin Comes Back As A Wolf Being Shot At From A Plane.

If We Stopped Calling It Profiling And Started Calling It "proactive Intelligence Screening" Or "high Alert Detecting", People Would Be Saying "well, It's About Time".

In An Average Moral Universal Society, Good People Will Try To Do The Right Thing, And Psychotic People Will Do Wicked Things. But If You Want To Make Good People Do Wicked Things, You Need Them To Be Religious.

How Come Regional Pandering Only Works In One Direction, Right? You Never See A Southern Politician Trying To Win Votes In New York State By Saying, 'i Read Books And Make A Mean Vegan Meatloaf.'

You Can Refer To God And You Are Really Just Talking About Nature. If You Are Going To Say The Universe Is God, Then Everything Is God, Everything Is Religion. But When We Explore Traditional Religion We Are Talking About Humanistic Gods People Pray To, That They Think Can Intervene In Our Lives, Who Run Sort Of A Heaven-and-hell Operation For The Afterworld.

I'll Clue You In On A Secret: Death Is Not The Worst Thing That Could Happen To You. I Know We Think That; We Are The First Society Ever To Think That. It's Not Worse Than Dishonor; It's Not Worse Than Losing Your Freedom; Its Not Worse Than Losing A Sense Of Personal Responsibility.

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

Recognition Is One Of The Three Big Elements Of Comedy.

Jesus Is Not A Candle. A Company In South Dakota Is Selling Candles With The Scent Of Jesus. You Light One And Your Friends Says, Christ, What's That Smell?

Sarah Palin Finally Heard What Happened In Japan And She's Demanding That We Invade 'tsunami.'

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

I Think I Know Now Why We Are Occupying Iraq. In Case We Have To Sell America And Move To A Smaller Country.

My Generation Didn`t Face The Kind Of Urgent, Pressing Issues That My Parents Did, Who Fought Through A War And A Depression And Know What Suffering Is. That`s Why Bob Dole Had A Tough Time With This Electorate. He Was An Old-fashioned Curmudgeon Who Knew About Sacrifice, And We Didn`t Know If We Could Live Up To His Standards. But We Knew We Could Live Up To Bill Clinton`s. He`s More Like One Of Us.

When You Want To Make It Clear To The Rest Of The World That You Are Not An Imperialist, The Best Countries To Have With You Are Britain And Spain.

I See They Found Out The Universe Is 80 Million Years Older Than We Thought. It's Also Been Lying About Its Weight.

So When I Say We Had Been The Cowards, Yes, That's What I Meant, We As A Society. And That's Everybody, Including Myself. I Had Been Screaming About The Drug War And This War And Other Wars. I Should Have Been More On Terrorism, Too. So Should You, So Should Everybody.

Yes, In Baseball When The Team Stinks, You Fire The Manager. But You Don't Fire Him Because It Rains. And You Don't Let The Opposing Team Choose A New Manager For You. And You Don't Fire Him Between Innings. And Replace Him With A Viennese Weightlifter.

Thanks [donald] Trump For Exposing Evangelicals As 'shameless Hypocrites'.

Politicians Will Promise Some Pretty Ridiculous Things. They Will Promise A Chicken In Every Pot. They'll Promise That They'll Keep Social Security Solvent. They'll Promise Drugs For Old People. They'll Promise Lots Of Stuff. But It Doesn't Come Near The Kind Of Promises That Religion Makes. The Mormons Promise That If You're Good While You're On Earth, You Get To Rule Over Your Own Planet In The Afterlife. Now, There's An Entitlement That Goes A Little Bit Beyond Prescription Drugs For Old People.

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

Religion Is Bad And Drugs Are Good.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

Herman Cain Answered The Wall Street Protesters, And He Had A Message For These Protesters. He Said, 'if You Don't Have A Job, If You're Not Rich, Don't Blame Wall Street, Don't Blame The Banks, Blame Yourself.' And A Nation Of Out Of Work Teabaggers Said, 'yeah! Hey, Wait A Minute.'

This Week Sarah Palin's Memoir Became A Bestseller. It's Not Even Out Yet. It's Being Translated Into English.

I'm Against Suing Tobacco Companies. I Think Abstinence Is A Perversion. I Think Bush's Lies Are Worse Than Clinton's. I Think Vegas Was Better When It Was Run By The Mob. I Think Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options. I Think Stereotypes Are True And Rehab Is For Quitters.

People Say I'm Into Black Women. Robert De Niro Is Into Black Women. I'm Just Into Women Who Are Real, And They Happen To Be Black.

It Just Seems Like The Culture War Is Over, And The Gay Kissers Won.

Shouldn't We Be Against Procreation At This Point In Time? With Overpopulation And The Strain On The Resources On This Planet? Shouldn't We Reward People Who Don't Spawn?

A Republican Congressman, Rep. Chris Lee, Was Caught Flirting With A Woman Trolling For Dates On Craigslist And Sent Her A Shirtless Photo Of Himself. He Lied About His Age And His Marital Status. He Said He Was 39 And Divorced. He's 46 And Married, Though Being A Republican Congressman, I'm Guessing He's Really 60 And Gay.

New Rule: If An Evangelical Tries To Use Halloween To Pimp Jesus To Kids, They Get To Egg His House. On Halloween, The President Of The American Family Association Urged His Flock To Hand Out A Christian-based Comic Book Instead Of Candy. Excuse Me, Halloween Isn't A Time To Push Your Beliefs. You Don't See Me Handing Out Pot To Kids...okay, Well Not The Little Kids.

We Need More People Speaking Out. This Country Is Not Overrun With Rebels And Free Thinkers. It's Overrun With Sheep And Conformists.

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