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The First Amendment Was Specifically Designed For Citizens To Insult Politicians. Libel Laws Were Written To Protect Law Students Speaking Out On Political Issues From Getting Called Whores By Oxycontin Addicts.

-Bill Maher

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The First Amendment Was

Bill Maher

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The First Amendment Was Specifically Designed For Citizens To Insult Politicians. Libel Laws Were Written To Protect Law Students Speaking Out On Political Issues From Getting Called Whores By Oxycontin Addicts.

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The Reason I Love My Dog So Much Is Because When I Come Home, He's The Only One In The World Who Treats Me Like I'm The Beatles.

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

I Don't Understand How The Republican Party Is The Party With The Reputation For Fiscal Conservatism And Fiscal Sanity, When They're The Ones Who Run Up The Debt. It Was Reagan Who Ran Up The Debt And Now Bush Is Doing It Again, And In Between, Clinton And Bush's Father, I Must Say, Worked So Hard To Get That Deficit And That Debt Down.

False Hope Really Makes You Cynical.

I Always Compare Marriage To Communism. They're Both Institutions That Don't Conform To Human Nature, So You're Going To End Up With Lying And Hypocrisy.

If Nobody Is Clear On What You're Protesting, It's Not A Protest. Thousands Of People Gathered In London This Week To Voice Their Disapproval Of The G-20. Their Basic Message Being, Stop All Your Globalizing And Unite The World!

On The Show, I Do A Very Serious Thing. And A Lot Of People Have A Hard Time Reconciling That With What I'm Going To Do After The Show. They Can't Get It Into Their Heads: "how Can He Be Talking To Madeleine Albright One Minute And Then Somebody Half His Age...." They're Just Jealous. But I Never Made Any Bones About It. I Am A Player. Always Have Been.

Who Takes Care Of Their People Better? Fema Or Hezbollah?

Greed Can Overtake Smart.

Life Is About Making Tough Choices. Sometimes You Have To Go Where Your Career Is Going.

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

I'd Like To Protect Children, Too, But... Is Everything Worth Sacrificing To That? I Mean, Drugs Have Done A Lot Of Good... They've Midwived A Lot Of Good Ideas... Lot Of Great Songs, You Know? I Think "penny Lane" Is Worth 10 Dead Kids... I Think Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. There, I Said It.

Down In Texas, Rick Perry Announced He Will Not Run For Reelection. He Said 'i Executed One Last Woman, That Fertilizer Plant Exploded, I Returned Abortions To Back Alleys Where It Belongs, My Work Here Is Done.' I Think That's What He Said, He Was Chewing A Crayon.

If You Have A Few Hundred Followers And You Let Some Of Them Molest Children, They Call You A Cult Leader. If You Have A Billion, They Call You Pope.

To Me, Being Brave Is An Element That Is So Important With Stand-up Comedy. It's Not Essential. There Are Many Comics Who Were Just Funny, And That's Fine, Too. But That's Never Been What I Was Trying To Do In Comedy. I Was Always Trying To Do Something That Involved Not Pandering To The Audience.

We're Always On A Tightrope. We're Trying To Put Together People Who Don't Make Sense To Be Together, Talking About Issues That Are Sensitive And Controversial. We're Mixing Dangerous Chemicals On A Nightly Basis.

They Say That Japan's Rigorous Building Codes And Regulations Saved Thousands Of Lives Over There. Or, As Republicans Here Saw It, It 'fostered A Socialist, Anti-business Environment That's Worse Than Being Dead.'

Unemployment Is Down, Confidence Is Up, Dow 5,000 Above Bush - Or As Republicans Put It, Let's Talk About Gay People And Abortion!

That's America For You - A Red Herring Culture, Always Scared Of The Wrong Things. The Fact Is, There Are A Lot Of Creepy Middle-aged Men Out There Lusting For Your Kids. They Work For Mtv, The Pharmaceutical Industry, Mcdonald's, Marlboro And K Street.

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

Whoever Needs The Relationship Less Has All The Power.

I Do Think The Patriotic Thing To Do Is To Critique My Country. How Else Do You Make A Country Better But By Pointing Out Its Flaws?

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

It's So Easy To Demagogue The Issue And Make Someone Who Speaks Out Against The Internal-combustion Engine Sound Like An Insane Communist, When The Truth Is That The Internal-combustion Engine Is The Biggest Threat To My Life In The Next 25 Years, In Terms Of What It's Doing To Our Environment And How It's Depleting The Ozone Layer And So Forth.

We Are A Nation That Is Unenlightened Because Of Religion. I Do Believe That. I Think That Religion Stops People From Thinking. I Think It Justifies Crazies.

As A Comedian, I Think We All Look For Those Areas Where The Truth Diverts From What People Are Saying. That's Why Politics Is Such A Rich Area For Us, Because Politicians Make Promises, And They Don't Keep Them, And When We Point Out The Difference, We Get The Laugh.

This Is Why Rational People - Anti-religionists - Must End Their Timidity And Come Out Of Their Closet And Assert Themselves.

What A Day For The Tea Party People. Did You See That? America's Parks And Fairgrounds Were Lost In A Sea Of Man-boobs. They Were Venting Their Anger And Rage Against Taxes, Which, Of Course, In Most Cases For Them Went Down. Protesting Their Taxes Went Down, But You Know, Why Let The Truth Spoil A Perfectly Good Klan Rally.

Clint Eastwood's Speech Was Kind Of A Metaphor For The Entire Republican Party: A Confused Old Person Yelling At Something That Doesn't Exist.

Let Us Not Become So Tolerant That We Tolerate Intolerance.

President Bush Is Supporting Arnold But A Lot Of Republicans Are Not, Because He Is Actually Quite Liberal. Karl Rove Said If His Father Wasn't A Nazi, He Wouldn't Have Any Credibility With Conservatives At All.

I Don't Want To Start A Movement That Mirrors Religion. I Don't Want To Create The Church Of The Non-believers Where I'm The Preacher And We're All Gathering Together And Reciting Things.

Treason Is When Legislators Vote Against Homeland Security Measures Because It Goes Against The Wishes Of Their Political Or Financial Backers. Treason Is The Fact That, As A Terrorist, You Could Still Buy A Gun In This Country Because The Nra Lobby Is So Strong.

I Don't Know If [barack Obama] Saw The Latest Religion Survey, But Almost A Quarter Of The Country Are Nones. I Don't Mean The Ones Who Hit Me On The Knuckles With A Ruler In Sunday School - I Mean They Put "none" For Religion.

The Key To Me, In Religion, Is Just To Treat It Like It Doesn't Really Matter. We Have A Pope, We Don't Really Believe Him, We Don't Really Listen To What He Says, We Don't Really Take Him Seriously. That's What Has To Happen With Religion. It Has To Be Marginalized And In The Islamic World, It's Not Marginalized, It's Taken Literally.

I ... Would Guess Maybe About One Or Two Out Of Five Men Is Suited For Marriage And Probably Four Out Of Five Women Are Better At Marriage Than Being Single And Would Like To Be Married.

My Thinking Is, Government Is Really There To Do The Things That People Absolutely Can't Do For Themselves. And That's Mostly Involved With The Things That Might Kill You. And What Might Kill Me? The Environment And Terrorism.

I Have Such Disdain For Anybody Who Gets Joy Out Of Blowing The Stuffing Out Of A Little Woodland Creature, That I Don't Really Care If Any Of Them Gets Shot.

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

Sarah Palin Should Not Be On Vacation. She Should Be In Summer School.

Attorney General John Ashcroft Is In Intensive Care. He's Suffering From A Severe Case Of Pancreatitis, Which They Can't Really Figure Out Because He's Not Really A Drinker. They Think He Might Have Picked Up Some Type Of Infection While Wiping His Ass With The Bill Of Rights.

When It Comes To Religion, We're Not Two Sides Of The Same Coin, And You Don't Get To Put Your Unreason Up On The Same Shelf With My Reason. Your Stuff Has To Go Over There, On The Shelf With Zeus And Thor And The Kraken, With The Stuff That Is Not Evidence-based, Stuff That Religious People Never Change Their Mind About, No Matter What Happens.

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

I Can't Believe I'm Saying This, But Obama Looks Like He Does Need A Teleprompter.

The [libyan] Rebels This Week Kind Of Hinted To The United States That They Could Use A Little Help. Right. Like, America Would Just Blunder Around The Middle East Killing People Without All The Facts. That Doesn't Sound Like The America I Know.

Freedom Isn't Free. It Shouldn't Be A Bragging Point That 'oh, I Don't Get Involved In Politics,' As If That Makes Someone Cleaner. No, That Makes You Derelict Of Duty In A Republic. Liars And Panderers In Government Would Have A Much Harder Time Of It If So Many People Didn't Insist On Their Right To Remain Ignorant And Blindly Agreeable.

Based On Every Statement I’ve Heard Out Of Any Republican In The Last Two Years, The Israelis Are Controlling Our Government.

Republicans Are Obsessed With Abortion...if They Really Wanted To Protect The Weakest, Most Helpless People, Wouldn't They Protect The Democrats?

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum Spent Their Week Lecturing America About The Morality Of Birth Control. You Know, You Guys Don't Need Birth Control, You Are Birth Control.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

I Love Trains. It's The Only Way To Travel Anymore Where It Doesn't Involve A Tsa Agent Slowly Tracing The Curve Of My Inner Thigh.

Jesus, As A Philosopher Is Wonderful. There's No Greater Role Model, In My View, Than Jesus Christ. It's Just A Shame That Most Of The People Who Follow Him And Call Themselves Christians Act Nothing Like Him.

Ninety Percent Of People Support Background Checks. Which Means Even People Who Can't Pass A Background Check Support Background Checks.

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

If You Think Democrats Are Going To Take Away Your Bible, You're An Idiot. If You Think They Are Going To Take Away Your Gun, You're An Armed Idiot. If You Think They're Going To Take Away Your Gun And Give It To A Mexican To Kill Your God, You're Bill O'reilly.

If You Believe Jesus Ever Had A Good Word For War Or Torture Or Tax Cuts For The Rich, Or Raping The Earth, Or Refusing Water To Dying Migrants, Then You Might As Well Believe Bunnies Lay Painted Eggs.

As You Go Down The Path Of Life, Ask Whats True. Not Who Else Believes It.

Why Is The Ama For 'obamacare'? If This Is Going To Hurt Doctors, Why Are They For 'obamacare'?

One Of The Reasons I Still Do Stand-up Is Because It Was So Hard In The Beginning That I Feel Like It Would Be Such A Shame Not To Redeem It That It's All Fun.

Ebola Has Arrived In New York City. And I Say, 'if It Can Make It There...it Can Make It Anywhere!'

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

Religion, To Me, Is A Bureaucracy Between Man And God That I Don't Need.

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

You Are What You Do. It's About Actions.

It Just Seems Like The Culture War Is Over, And The Gay Kissers Won.

New Rule: Someone Has To Tell Francesco Schettino That Embracing A Callous Policy Of "every Man For Himself" Doesn't Make You A Sea Captain. It Makes You The Republican Nominee.

Karl Rove Thinks We Shouldn’t Have Hillary Clinton In The White House Because She Fell And Hit Her Head A Couple Years Ago, Spent Three Days In The Hospital, And Maybe She Has Brain Damage. You Know, I Don’t Recall The Republicans Being This Concerned With Mental Fitness During The Years When Reagan Was Talking To House Plants In The White House.

You Know, The Only Place In America Where The Millionaires And Billionaires Are Predominantly Liberal Is Here In Hollywood.

Good Presidents, People Like George Bush, They Send People To War. They Don't Bring Them A Rescue. This Is America. We Rescue Insurance Companies And Banks.

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

Last Week, I Suggested The Candidates Take Up Mushrooms. I'll Be Damned If Rick Perry Didn't Take Me Up On That.

Hot Women Have To Stop Putting Long Paragraphs Of Text On Their Bodies. I Know You Think It's Sexy But One Thing That Men Never Think Is, "gee, You Know What Would Make This Sex Better? Having Something To Read."

A Lot Of People Say They Are Dyslexic; Some Have To Realize That They Are Just Stupid.

The Other Financial Genius, John Mccain, Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong, And Then Yesterday He Wanted To Fire The Head Of The Sec -- Except You Can't As President Fire The Sec Chairman, It's A Non-governmental Job. Sarah Palin Said Today One More Gaffe From Mccain, And She's Going To Drop Him From The Ticket.

It Could Be Anything. It Could Be Jesus And It Could Be The Furby And It Could Be The Lint That Lives In My Navel, But It's Probably Not. Whatever It Is, I Doubt We As Humans On Earth Could Have Any Perception Of It While We're Here. So, Why Give Yourself A Headache Thinking About It. Just Be A Good Person. That's What An Ethicist Is.

Saying Someone Is Religious Is Heard In Most Of America As A Compliment, A Reassuring Affirmation That Someone Will Be Moral, Ethical, And After A Few Glasses Of Wine, A Freak In The Bedroom.

What Democratic Congressmen Do To Their Women Staffers, Republican Congressmen Do To The Country.

Stand-up Is Great Because I Can Get Everything Off My Chest.

When Sex Is Good Theres Nothing Better, When Its Bad Its Not Bad.

When Consumers Know Things, They Tend To Make Informed Choices, And That Could Affect Corporate Profits. I'm Sorry, But Your Right To Know Is Always Going To Be Outweighed By Their Right To Hide It From You.

March Madnesss...the Only Place Where You Hear 'kansas Is Advancing.'

I Hate Religion. I Think It's A Neurological Disorder.

No Politician Is Perfect. But In Every Election In Your Life, There Will Be One Choice That Is Better Than The Others. Go Out And Vote For That One.

Last Week John Mccain Said The Fundamentals Of Our Economy Are Strong. This Week, He Said It's The Worst Crisis Since World War Ii. So He Suspended His Campaign, Unless You Count Doing Interviews, Airing Attack Ads, Sending Out Surrogates On Tv To Attack Obama.

Little Do Women Know What Big Ideas I Have In My Pants.

Rush Limbaugh, Who Has Made A Career Preaching That Anybody Who Does Drugs Has Got To Go Right To Jail - Do Not Pass Go, No Questions Asked, Right To Jail - Gets Caught Doing Thirty Oxycontin A Day. Thirty Oxycontin?! Do You Have Any Idea How High That Is?! I Don't, And I've Been Pretty High!

Newt Gingrich Was Campaigning At A Zoo This Week And He Was Bitten By A Penguin. Newt Gingrich Is Always Campaigning At Zoos. Mitt Romney Once Did A Photo Op At A Zoo. That Was A Big Mistake, Because He Stood Next To The Chameleon, And He Changed Colors.

My Generation Didn`t Face The Kind Of Urgent, Pressing Issues That My Parents Did, Who Fought Through A War And A Depression And Know What Suffering Is. That`s Why Bob Dole Had A Tough Time With This Electorate. He Was An Old-fashioned Curmudgeon Who Knew About Sacrifice, And We Didn`t Know If We Could Live Up To His Standards. But We Knew We Could Live Up To Bill Clinton`s. He`s More Like One Of Us.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

I Don't Hate America. I Love America. I Want It To Be Better. The Only Way We Can Get It To Be Better Is To Realistically Criticize What's Wrong With It.

If Anybody Is So Mad At Vladimir Putin, You Know What They Could Do? They Could Advocate For A Gas Tax. He Gets All His Leverage From Selling Gas And Oil. If We Had A Gas Tax That Made That Less Palatable, He Would Be Less Of A Player On The World Stage.

Face The Fact That There's Only One Sure-fire Way To Erase Credit Card Debt. By Picking Up A Big, Shiny Pair Of Scissors And Cutting Your Wife In Half.

The Hollywood Executives Are, Like, ‘we’re Not Racist, We Just Have To Pretend To Be Racists Because We’re Capitalists. We Want To Sell Our Movies In China (and) They Don’t Like Kevin Hart.’

Whenever The People Are For Gay Marriage Or Medical Marijuana Or Assisted Suicide, Suddenly The 'will Of The People' Goes Out The Window.

Life Is Not Like A Box Of Chocolates Unless There's A Few Turds In The Box.

The Great Thing About Having Been Poor Is How Liberated It Makes You If You Eventually Become Rich. There's Nothing Like The Knowledge That You Don't Need Money To Survive. That The Money Cushion You Lie On Every Night Doesn't Have To Be Three Feet Thick, And You Can Still Get To Sleep.

My Father Said, Bring Along Your Best Girl. This Is Something You Say To A Pimp!

Remember, Guns Don't Kill People - Unless You Practice Real Hard.

Rick Santorum Doesn't Like Sex. He Doesn't Like The Pill. He Really Doesn't Like Condoms. He Said If Men Are Going To Pull Something On To Prevent Procreation, Nothing Works Better That A Sweater Vest.

If It Weren't For Acid, You Might Not Have An Ipod, And You Definitely Would Not Have Some Of The Best Music In Your Ipod.

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans Must Remember That Politicians Are Like A Box Of Chocolates. We Bite Into Them To Find Out What's On The Inside Only To Discover That Democrats Are Too Often Soft And Gooey And Republicans Are Mostly Nuts.

If Jesus Was A Jew, Why Did He Have A Spanish Name?

I Have A Problem With People Who Take The Constitution Loosely And The Bible Literally.

The Rebel Army In Libya Is Just Like 1,000 Guys In Toyota Trucks. The World Is Asking The Question; Can 1000 Anti-government Guys In Pick-up Trucks With Small Arms, Take Over A Country Of Millions? To Which I Say, Ask The Teabaggers.

When We Make Mistakes They Call It Evil

Making Mistakes

The Tea Baggers. The One Thing They Hate Is When You Call Them Racist. The Other Thing They Hate Is Black People. But They Won't Say It.

Every Election, Roughly Half The Population Votes Democrat And The Other Half Votes Republican. Now, I Understand Why The Republicans Get One Percent Of The Vote - The Richest One Percent.that Other Percent, Someone Will Have To Explain To Me.

The Difference, I Think, That Matters Is Which Of The Religions Are Dangerous. They're All Crazy, But Which Ones Have The Potential To Turn That Into Death. In That Area, I Think We Have To Worry The Most About The Muslims And The Christians

Since The Icelandic Volcano Obviously Needs A Virgin Sacrifice And The Catholic Church Obviously Needs New Leadership The Pope Must Volunteer To Jump In The Volcano. Pontiff, Don't Think Of It As Endorsing Paganism, Think Of It As Supersizing Ash Wednesday.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

Everybody Has A Magazine And A Channel. There Are 500 Channels And 500 Magazines, And We Wonder Why We're Not United As A Country.

Time Magazine Put Chris Christie On The Cover With The Caption, 'the Elephant In The Room.' And People Magazine Named Him 'sexiest Garbage Truck In A Suit.'

[george W. Bush] Has Balls. And He's A Leader. Unfortunately His Balls And Leadership Are In The Service Of Shitty Ideas. We Need His Balls On Someone Who Thinks Right.

This Has Been A Learning Experience For Me. I Also Thought That Privacy Was Something We Were Granted In The Constitution. I Have Learned From This When In Fact The Word Privacy Does Not Appear In The Constitution.

John Kerry Made A Joke About Bush Being A Moron, And Now Bush Wants Morons To Think It Was A Joke Was About The Troops. ... Now, John Kerry Has Apologized. He Said He Made A Botched Joke And Admitted That He Has A Joking Problem. He Has Checked Into An Improv Group And Revealed That As A Child, He Was Molested By A Clown.

People Say I'm Into Black Women. Robert De Niro Is Into Black Women. I'm Just Into Women Who Are Real, And They Happen To Be Black.

Oh, America! I Could Never Leave You! You're Like My Dog, Dumb As A Post But You Make Me Laugh!

Russia Has Banned All Adoptions To Americans. So, If You Were Hoping To Get A Little White Kid With Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, You're Going To Have To Wait Until Lindsay Lohan Reproduces.

Stupidity Is Not Another Form Of Knowledge.

I'm Against Suing Tobacco Companies. I Think Abstinence Is A Perversion. I Think Bush's Lies Are Worse Than Clinton's. I Think Vegas Was Better When It Was Run By The Mob. I Think Men Are Only As Loyal As Their Options. I Think Stereotypes Are True And Rehab Is For Quitters.

I Love Jesus. I Just Don't Like The Christians Who Don't Believe In What He Says.

I Don't Know If You Heard The News, But Wall Street Now Is A Farmer's Market. I Don't Want To Say Things Are Going Downhill Quickly, But Obama's New Campaign Slogan Is 'are You Better Off Than You Were Four Days Ago?'

New Rule: If An Evangelical Tries To Use Halloween To Pimp Jesus To Kids, They Get To Egg His House. On Halloween, The President Of The American Family Association Urged His Flock To Hand Out A Christian-based Comic Book Instead Of Candy. Excuse Me, Halloween Isn't A Time To Push Your Beliefs. You Don't See Me Handing Out Pot To Kids...okay, Well Not The Little Kids.

Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

Republicans Stand By Their Convictions. Stupid, Ignorant, World-destroying Convictions Based On Disproven Economic Fantasies And Ancient Books Full Of Primitive Morality And Magic People. But Convictions, Nonetheless.

We've Been On A Long Break And I've Just Been Kicking Back, Doing Nothing. Like Our Government.

This Is A Powerful Message From Our Government: We Will Not Be Intimidated By Bombs; We Will Not Be Intimidated By Poison; This Is America, If You're A Violent, Paranoid Lunatic, You Must Use A Gun!

Obama Is Not A Secret Kenyon, Or A Secret Muslim, He's A Secret Republican.

In Republican Fantasy World, Everything Is Always Obama's Fault. Somehow, He's Weak And He's Ineffective, And Yet He Pulls The Strings On Everything In The World.

How Can The Republicans Get Away With Picking Their Dennis Kucinich, But When - If The Democrats Tried It, All Hell Would Break Lose?

The Worst Years Of My Life Were The First Two Years I Was Doing Standup. You're Learning How To Do, And You're Going On Stage In Front Of Two Drunks And People Aren't Laughing And You're Broke. That's A Really Hard Time In Your Life.

Nobody In America Who Wants Pot Has Any Trouble Getting It, So Maybe That's Why We Aren't Seeing Support For Legalization. People Don't Think It's Necessary To Legalize It, Because It's So Easy To Get It.

New Rule: You're Never Going To Pick Up Women At A Coffee Shop Pretending To Be Working On Your Laptop. You Don't Look Like You're Sensitive, You Look Like You're Homeless.the Last Guy To Pick Up A Chick With An Apple Was Adam. And When You Sit Across From Another Dateless Loser With A Laptop, It Still Doesn't Look Like You're Working--it Looks Like You're Playing Battleship.

It's A Good Time To Say "oh" And Take Stock And Say, "gee, How Was I Ethically This Year?" That's The Problem With Faith, Joe. What It Does Is It Kind Of Screws Up Your Priorities. Your Priorities Shouldn't Be Saving Your Own Ass, Which Is The Focus Of Christianity. The Focus Should Be, I'm A Good Person, And I Do That Just For The Sake Of Being Good. Like The Christmas Song Says, "be Good For Goodness' Sake."

Curious People Are Intersting People, I Wonder Why That Is.

At Some Point In The Last 20 Years, The Left Moved To The Center, And The Right Moved Into A Mental Institution.

I'm Not Into Western Medicine. That To Me Is A Complete Scare Tactic.

Hollywood Isn't Your Cesspool, America. It's Your Mirror.

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

Just Be Happy That Something Traveled 5,000 Miles Across The Pacific And, For Once, It Wasn't Your Job.

I Think Capital Punishment Works Great. Every Killer You Kill Never Kills Again.

Only A Bush Could Answer A 'yes' Or 'no' Question Two Different Ways And Be Wrong Both Times.

I Have A Theory That The Internet Makes People Stupider. And Also Fox News Makes People Stupider.

The Founding Fathers Were More Deists. If You Had To Categorize Them As Anything. There Was Some Sort Of Moving Prime Force. But It's An Impersonal Force. Some People Call It Nature. Certainly Not This Personal God Who You Have A Personal Relationship With, Who Listens To Your Prayers And Answers Them, Or Doesn't. You Know, Not The Silly Stuff That Most Americans Believe Because We're Such A Dumb Nation.

The Drug War Is An Addiction, Really.

Americans Are Desperately, Here On The West Coast, Buying Up And Hoarding Iodine Pills... Isn't It Great That In A Land That Is Divided Between Conservative Morons And Liberal Pussies, Somehow We Have Managed To Find A Way To Pull Together And Behave Like Moronic Pussies?

The Shame Would Be If Democrats Get Thrown Out Of Office Without Ever Having Tried Democratic Policies.

Old Testament, Is Really One Of The Most Wickedest Books You'll Ever Come Across. God Is An Insecure, Rage-filled Hybrid Of Bobby Knight And Suge Knight. He's Got These Anger Issues That You Can't Believe. He's Like John Mccain If Mccain Could Fart Hail. He's Pro-slavery, He's Pro-polygamy, He's Homophobic, He'll Kill You For Masturbating.

Saddam Hussein Is Hitler Like Oasis Was The Beatles.

I Like Groaning. That Means That You're Not Pandering To Their Already Settled Prejudices.

And What Is The Republican Solution To These Outrageous [racial] Inequalities? There Isn't One. And That's The Point. Denying Racism Is The New Racism. To Not Acknowledge Those Statistics, To Think Of That As A 'black Problem' And Not An American Problem. To Believe, As A Majority Of Fox Viewers Do, That Reverse-racism Is A Bigger Problem Than Racism, That's Racist.

It's Very Hard Not To Be Condescending When You're Explaining Something To An Idiot.

The American People Don't Really Care What Side Of An Issue You're On. They Just Don't Want You To Act Like A Pussy.

You Can Behead People, You Can Crucify Them, You Can Cut Their Hearts Out And Eat Them On Youtube...but, Don't Screw With The Place Where God Hid America's Oil.

If It Makes You Feel Any Better We Will Be Happy To Attack A Country That Had Nothing To Do With It.

If Conservatives Get To Call Universal Healthcare 'socialized Medicine,' I Get To Call Private, For-profit Healthcare 'soulless, Vampire Bastards Making Money Off Human Pain.'

What's Going To Be Hard For The United States Is That Our Policy For A Long Time Has Been A Two-state Solution; The Palestinians Should Have Their Own State. Now, The Palestinians Are Going To The U.n. And Saying, 'we're Having The U.n. Vote To Say We Have Our Own State. Well, If That's Your Policy, United States Of America, Why Are You Vetoing It?' Which We Will Do.

First They Didn't Believe In Evolution. Then They Didn't Believe In Global Warming. Now The Debt Ceiling. What I Call 'the Moron Trifecta.'

There Were Two Republican Responses To The State Of The Union. So If You Watched The Whole Night, It Was Kind Of Evolution In Reverse. You Have Obama, Then Paul Ryan, And Then Michele Bachmann. Then Animal Planet Had A Squirrel Monkey Give His Take.

Religion Is Defined As Belief In And Worship Of A Controlling Power And Atheism Is Precisely Not That.

A Lot Of Good Has Come From Drugs. I Think 'penny Lane' Is Worth 10 Dead Kids. Dark Side Of The Moon Is Worth 100 Dead Kids. Because A Lot Of Kids Wouldn't Even Be Born If It Weren't For That Album, So It Evens Out.

Only 42 Percent Of Republicans Believe Obama Was Born In The United States. That's An Amazing Statistic. How Come In America Christians Are The Only Ones Who Won't Take Anything On Faith?

I Would Rather Put Up With Rush Limbaugh And Live In A Country Where We All Do Have Freedom Of Speech.

Freedom Of Speech

I Just Don't See Why Anybody Would Vote Republican In The Army. If You Want To Support The Troops, If I Was A Troop, I Would Say, 'you Know How To Support Me? Don't Send Me To Stupid Wars.'

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

If You Can Look At A Crime Where Everything Points To One Answer And Not See It, You're A Dumb-ass. And If You Can Look At The Deficit And Not See That The Problem Is That The Rich Stopped Paying Taxes, You're A Republican.

This Country Hates Professors. It Likes Toby Keith - 'i'm Gonna Put A Boot In Their Ass.' If You Don't Do That, Somehow You Can't Be Strong.

I Don't Think All Life Is Precious. I Know People Say That All The Time, "life Is Precious." I Think Some Life Is Precious, And Some Life Is Just A Waste Of Protoplasm. Start Over.

F. Scott Fitzgerald Has An Indespensible Quote: 'the Test Of A First-rate Intelligence Is The Ability To Hold Two Opposed Ideas In The Mind At Once And Still Retain The Ability To Function'. Or, As I Like To Call It, 'o.j. Killed His Wife, And The Police Are Corrupt.'

The Dalai Lama Visited The White House And Told The President That He Could Teach Him To Find A Higher State Of Consciousness. Then After Talking To Bush For A Few Minutes, He Said, 'you Know What? Let's Just Grab Lunch.'

New Rule: Stop Asking Miss Usa Contestants If They Believe In Evolution. It’s Not Their Field. It’s Like Asking Stephen Hawking If He Believes In Hair Scrunchies. Here’s What They Know About: Spray Tans, Fake Boobs And Baton Twirling. Here’s What They Don’t Know About: Everything Else. If I Cared About The Uninformed Opinions Of Some Ditsy Beauty Queen, I’d Join The Tea Party.

When You Tolerate Intolerance, You're Not Really Being A Liberal.

Sam Harris Made That Great Analogy. He Said, 'if Someone Was Talking Into Their Hair Dryer And Claiming That They Were Speaking To God, They Would Call Bellevue. But, Take Away The Hair Dryer, It's Just Praying.'

Community Is Gathering Around A Fire And Listening To Someone Tell A Story.

What Is "martinizing" And Why Does It Only Take One Hour?

Republicans Have Pounced. They're Outraged. They Say, 'how Dare You Lie About Caring For The People Who Got Hurt In The War We Lied Them Into?'

Trying To Get Today's Republicans To Accept Basic Facts Is Like Trying To Get Your Dog To Take A Pill. You Have To Feed Them The Truth Wrapped In A Piece Of Baloney, Hold Their Snouts Shut And Stroke Their Throats. And Even Then, Just When You Think They've Swallowed It, They Spit It Out On The Linoleum.

Halloween Is A Day When We All Get To Fool People Into Thinking We're Someone Else. Or As Mitt Romney Calls It, Campaigning.

Their [republicans] Approach To A Woman's Body Is The Same As Their Approach To The Economy: They Have No Idea How It Works, But They're Eager To Screw With It Anyway.

Of Course, There Are Questions That Plague All Of Us. How Did We Get Here? What Happens When We Die? Is There A Heaven? Am I On The List? Who Let The Dogs Out?

Bp Today Finally Managed To Almost Completely Stop The Flow Of Information.

I Get The Playboy Thing A Lot. People Assume I Go Out With Bimbos. I Couldn`t Go Out With Bimbos If I Tried! I Scare Them Off! The Women That Like Me Are Smart. So I Go To The Playboy Mansion Four Or Five Times A Year, But People Think I Go All The Time.

Heroin May Be Bad, But It Sure As Hell Hasn't Hurt My Cd Collection.

Iraq Now Says That It Will, After All, Destroy Its Missiles. President Bush Said, 'please, I Used To Pull The Same Trick. There'd Be An Intervention, I'd Make A Big Show Of Pouring Out The Liquor And Then There Was A Case Under The Floorboards.'

Even Somebody Like Bill Clinton, Who I Happen To Admire Very Much, The Second He Was Out Of Office, I Remember, He Was Interview In Rolling Stone And He Said He Thought We Should Have Legalized Marijuana. And I Thought, Gosh, If Only You Were In Some Sort Of Position To Affect Change In The Last Eight Years Where You Could Have Done Something About That.

Whatever Good Religion Has Done, It Has Come At A Terrible Price.

Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

New Rule: I Don't Give Two Fingleberries And A Mcshit-all That Dumbledore Is Gay. I Never Wanted To Know Who Dumbledore Was In The First Place. Let Alone His Sexuality. What Concerns Me Is Adults Who Read 800-page Books About Magic Schoolboys... And Then Try To Talk To Me About It. If I Had The Slightest Interest In Homosexuals With Powers, I'd Be A Republican.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm A Birth Survivor.

I Just Don't Think A Lot Of Republicans Like It When Single Women Have Sex.

Some People Think I Enjoy Debate. I Don't. I Wish Everyone Agreed With Me; It Would Save A Lot Of Time.

Maybe A President Who Didn't Believe Our Soldiers Were Going To Heaven Might Be A Little Less Willing To Get Them Killed.

Our Mistakes From The Past Are Just That: Mistakes. And They Were Necessary To Make In Order To Become The Wiser Person We Became.

Eric Holder, Our Attorney General, Says The Mr. Snowden Will Be Brought To Justice. Just As Soon As We Can Find Someone Who Can Track His Calls And Read His Emails.

It's Nine Months Before The Election And Bush's Poll Numbers Have Fallen To The Exact Level That His Father's Poll Numbers Were Nine Months Before He Lost To Bill Clinton. Today Front Runner John Kerry Said He's Not Superstitious, But Just To Be On The Safe Side, He's Going To Start F---ing Everything That Moves.

France... What Can You Say About A Country That Was Too Stupid To Get On Board With Our Wonderfully-conceived And Brilliantly-executed War In Iraq?

I Don't Think George Bush Is A Good President By Any Imagination, But When He Said, 'if You're Talking To Al-quaeda, We Want To Know What It's About,' It Just Proves One Thing: If You're President Long Enough, You Will One Day Say Something That Is True.

I Don't Know If Anybody From My Tribe Of Atheists Ever Thanked [barack Obama] For Giving Us A Shout-out At Your First Inaugural, But You Did Mention Non-believers. We Appreciate It. Because We Do Feel Like Untouchables To A Degree.

I Believe In God, I Just Give Him More Credit Than Being A Single Parent And An Author.

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