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Well, That's Exactly The Wrong Attitude. That Is Not The Attitude They Had In World War Ii. You're Attitude Is That Freedom Means You Can Do Whatever You Want Whenever You Want It. And That Sacrifice Is Somehow Un-american. [...] But The Idea That We Should Also Be Defensive About Our Flaws And Our Weaknesses And Our Vulnerabilities Is Ridiculous.

-Bill Maher

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Well, That's Exactly The

Bill Maher

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Well, That's Exactly The Wrong Attitude. That Is Not The Attitude They Had In World War Ii. You're Attitude Is That Freedom Means You Can Do Whatever You Want Whenever You Want It. And That Sacrifice Is Somehow Un-american. [...] But The Idea That We Should Also Be Defensive About Our Flaws And Our Weaknesses And Our Vulnerabilities Is Ridiculous.

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Beating Newt Gingrich In A Popularity Contest Is Like Beating Stephen Hawking In 'dancing With The Stars.'

Tiger Woods Apologized To The Three Women In America He Never Got Around To Sleeping With.

For The First Time Since 1979, We Are Talking To The Islamic Republic Of Iran. Obama Says Talking To Him Is Probably Pointless, But It's A Hell Of A Relief From Mitch Mcconnell.

People On The Right Say To People Like Me, Oh, You Hate America. And I Always Say, No, I Love America. I Want It Back. I Don't Want You Representing It. I Don't Want Torture Representing It. If I Hated It, I'd Be Okay With Being Represented By The Torturers.

Democrats Are Lame. The Media Is Lame. And Donald Trump Hasn't Even Played His War Card Yet. You Know, He Could Start A War And Get A Lot Of Support There.

In Washington, The Air Quality Today Was Described As 'red.'...you Know What 'red' Is? It's Bad For Everyone. Not Just Old People, Sick People And Babies. When It's Just Bad For Old People, Sick People And Babies, That's Called A Republican Budget.

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Let's Face It; God Has A Big Ego Problem. Why Do We Always Have To Worship Him?

The President Had A Press Conference About This This Week And He Said That The U.s. Has No Plans To Attack North Korea. And Then He Added, 'like Having No Plan Ever Stopped Me Before.'. He Has Something Even More Deadly In Store For Them - We're Going To Bring Them Democracy.

Gingrich Is The "foremost Intellectual" In The Republican Party Like Gene Simmons Is The Foremost Intellectual In "kiss".

There Is No Such Thing As A Moderate Republican Anymore.

The Whole Dating Ritual Was Different When I Was A Kid. Girls Got Pinned, Not Nailed.

Did You See The 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The Last Time The Republicans Had That Many Black People On A Stage, They Were Selling Them!

Religion Is Detrimental To The Progress Of Society.

Progress Of Society

The Only Thing I Hate Worse Than Prophecy Is Self-fulfilling Prophecy

I Thought This Election Was An Adult Discussion On How Best To Protect Ourselves In The Face Of Terrorism, But Apparently It Was A Referendum On Boys Kissing... When Homophobia Trumps Terrorism In America, Wow. This Country Needs To Get Laid.

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

I Love The Tea Party. They Are The Ultimate Beer Goggles. They Make Everything Look Better.

It's Been Over A Year Since They've Graduated, But Neither Of The Bush Twins Have Found Any Work. Why Don't They Sign Up (for Military Service In Iraq)? Do They Hate America, Or Just Freedom In General?

I'm Definitely Good. I'm Not Bad; I'm Extremely Honest, And I Allow No Bullshit To Pass By My Radar. And That Will Always Get Lots Of People Thinking You're A Jerk. But There Are People Who Appreciate Total Honesty And Questioning Of The Conformities In Our Society, And I'm Heroic To Those People. And I Should Be. It's An Indictment Of The Rest Of Society Who Doesn't Get That.

Ninety Percent Of People Support Background Checks. Which Means Even People Who Can't Pass A Background Check Support Background Checks.

New Rule: The People Of America Who Were Most In Favor Of The Iraq War Must Now Go There And Fight It.

Your Taxes Are Due A Week From Today. You Can Make Out Your Check Directly To Halliburton. Or You Can Do What I'm Going To Do. I'm Filing My First Joint Return. No, I'm Not Getting Married, I'm Sending The Irs An Actual Joint With A Note That Says, 'if You Think I'm Paying For This War, You Must Be High.'

Tt Just Seems To Be Human Nature To Seem To Want To Posit In Another Human Being, Qualities That You Must Know, In Part Of Your Mind, That Human Being Couldn't Possess Because You Don't Possess.

If The Bible Myth Of Jonah In The Whale And The Mother Goose Myth Of Jack And The Beanstalk Were Switched At Birth So That Jack In The Beanstalk Were In The Bible, Do You Think Any Child Would Notice?

I Never, Ever In My Life Tried To Be Outrageous. I've Only Ever Tried To Say What Was Truly On My Mind And Not Pull Punches About It.

We Do It All The Time, We Legislate Taste. We Do It With The Tax Code. Churches And Children Get A Tax Break, Because It's Assumed That We All Agree That We Want To Encourage Churches And Children. I Don't. I Don't. That's My Opinion. I Don't Want To Encourage Either Churches Or Children, And It's A Very Bad Idea To Put Them Together.

I Don't Do Heroin Myself, But It's Done Wonders For My Music Collection.

Rational People, Anti-religionists, Must End Their Timidity And Come Out Of The Closet And Assert Themselves. And Those Who Consider Themselves Only Moderately Religious Really Need To Look In The Mirror And Realize That The Solace And Comfort That Religion Brings You Actually Comes At A Terrible Price.

Look, I Have Never Made A Secret Of The Fact That I Have Tried Marijuana... About 50,000 Times.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

And What Is The Republican Solution To These Outrageous [racial] Inequalities? There Isn't One. And That's The Point. Denying Racism Is The New Racism. To Not Acknowledge Those Statistics, To Think Of That As A 'black Problem' And Not An American Problem. To Believe, As A Majority Of Fox Viewers Do, That Reverse-racism Is A Bigger Problem Than Racism, That's Racist.

People Sometimes Say How Standup Is So Hard, And I Always Tell Them That It's Hard At The Beginning.

Disneyland's A Mess. And It's Not Just The Measles. Donald Duck Has Bird Flu. Pocahontas Has Small Pox. The Little Mermaid Has Crabs. And The Monorail? Mono.

I Think What's Dangerous Is The Idea That Someone Can Wash Away Your Sins.

Paul Revere Was Warning The British About Gun Control, And George Washington Apparently Was Crossing The Delaware To Bomb An Abortion Clinic.

My Wife Always Has A Splitting Archetype Whenever I Want To Have Sex.

Sarah Palin's Whole Family Got Into A Drunken Public Fistfight. Something Police Are Calling A 'tragic Case Of Trash-on-trash Violence.'

This Is A Ridiculous Heat Wave We're In Right Now, And To Contribute, Newt Gingrich Said That For The Entire Month Of June, He Will Stop Blowing Hot Air.

I ... Would Guess Maybe About One Or Two Out Of Five Men Is Suited For Marriage And Probably Four Out Of Five Women Are Better At Marriage Than Being Single And Would Like To Be Married.

Of Course, There Are Questions That Plague All Of Us. How Did We Get Here? What Happens When We Die? Is There A Heaven? Am I On The List? Who Let The Dogs Out?

Republicans Don't Have To Accept Evolution, Economics, Climatology, Or Human Sexuality, But I Just Watched A Week Of Their National Convention, And I Need Them To Admit The Historical Existence Of George W. Bush. If Your Party Can Run The Nation For Eight Years And Then Have A National Convention And Not Invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove, Or Tom Delay, You're Not A Political Movement, You're The Witness Protection Program.

Republicans Are Always Saying We Should Privatize Things Like Schools, Prisons, Social Security - Hey, How About We Privatize Privacy! Because If The Government Forbids Gay Men From Tying The Knot, What Is Their Alternative? They Can`t All Marry Liza Minnelli.

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

Arnold Was On The 'today' Show Today, He Was A Little Light On Specifics. He Said He Could Solve California's $38 Billion Budget Deficit, Without Cutting Spending Or Raising Taxes Because There Was A Third Way. What Is It? Let's Just Say It Involves A Robot Going Back In Time To Convince Gray Davis To Go Into Dentistry.

Anything Is Depressing If You Dwell On It. The Fact That Religion Could End The World? Yeah, I Guess That Could Be Considered Depressing. But Considering That There's Also A Lot To Laugh At, I Think It's A Good Balance.

Why Can't God Just Defeat The Devil And Get Rid Of Evil? It's The Same Reason The Comic Book Character Can't Get Rid Of His Nemesis; Then There's No Story.

When We Talk About Values, I Think Of Rationality In Solving Problems. That's Something I Value. Fairness, Kindness, Generosity, Tolerance. That's Different. When They [conservative Right Wing Republicans] Talk About Values, They're Talking About Things Like Going To Church, Voting For Bush, Being Loyal To Jesus, Praying. These Are Not Values.

No Politician Is Perfect. But In Every Election In Your Life, There Will Be One Choice That Is Better Than The Others. Go Out And Vote For That One.

You Talk About 'obama Is Going To Herd Us Into Fema Brainwashing Camps.' Maybe Your Brain Needs A Little Washing.

The "power Of One" Is A Slogan--not A Goal.

My Policy Is I Am Always More Than Happy To Say, "i'm Sorry If I Hurt Your Feelings." What I Am Not Willing To Do Is Take Back What I Said. Unless I Am Wrong.

This Is America. We Don't Call An Election Before We Know Who Won. That, After All, Is The Job Of The Supreme Court.

When I Was 5-years-old, I Knew Who Khrushchev Was.

I'm A Pessimist By Nature. A Pot Head, But A Pessimist.

Trusting The Government To Monitor Your Calls Without Listening. It's Kind Of Like Trusting Chris Christie To Pick Up The Mcdonald's And Not Eat The Fries On The Way Home.

There Was One Awkward Moment Where A Black Man Stood-up To Ask A Question And Out Of Habit, Bush Said 'clemency Denied.'

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