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I Want You Teabaggers Out There To Understand One Thing: While You Idolize The Founding Fathers And Dress Up Like Them, And Smell Like Them, I Think It's Pretty Clear That The Founding Fathers Would Have Hated Your Guts. And What's More, You Would've Hated Them. They Were Everything You Despise. They Studied Science, Read Plato, Hung Out In Paris And Thought The Bible Was Mostly Bulls**t.

-Bill Maher

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I Want You Teabaggers

Bill Maher

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I Want You Teabaggers Out There To Understand One Thing: While You Idolize The Founding Fathers And Dress Up Like Them, And Smell Like Them, I Think It's Pretty Clear That The Founding Fathers Would Have Hated Your Guts. And What's More, You Would've Hated Them. They Were Everything You Despise. They Studied Science, Read Plato, Hung Out In Paris And Thought The Bible Was Mostly Bulls**t.

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America Is Like A Dog. I'm Sorry, But It Is. It Cannot Understand Actual Words. It Understands Inflection. It Understands Fear. But You Can't Actually Explain Issues To A Dog.

People Do Not Want To Be Disillusioned By The New President [barak Obama]. The Liberals Felt, Finally, This Is Our Time. Now They're Worried. Now What They See Is More Business As Usual. We All Want To Give Him The Benefit Of The Doubt, We Know It's A Tough Job And He Inherited A Mess, But At The End Of The Day, Is It Really Change We Can Believe In When There's No Public Options And Wall Street Reform Has No Teeth In It? It Really Looks A Lot Like We Just Changed The Color.

I Don't Want To Be A Pessimist. I'm A Realist. One Man's Realist Is Another Man's Pessimist.

Bush The Younger Has Two Things Going For Him That His Father Never Had. One: An Easy Charm With Regular People And Two: The Power To Make Them Disappear Without A Trial.

Why Are There So Many Puritans In This Country, And Why Can't The Rest Of Us Make Them Go Away?!

Life Is About Making Tough Choices. Sometimes You Have To Go Where Your Career Is Going.

A Lot Of People Say They Are Dyslexic; Some Have To Realize That They Are Just Stupid.

New Rule: If You Can Force A Woman To Look At A Sonogram—to See What Will Happen If She Has An Abortion—you Also Have To Let Her See A Crying Baby, A Bratty Five-year-old, And A Surly Teenager To See What Will Happen If She Doesn’t. And You Have To Tell Her It Costs $204,000 To Raise It Until It Turns Eighteen, In 2028, Where It Will Be A Slave To The Chinese, In A Radioactive World With No Animals, Fish, Or Plants.

I Think Democrats Are Complacent. They Think That Russia Is Going To Save Us. Bob Mueller Is Going To Come In With A Report.

You'd Know If I Was The De-facto Leader Of The Democratic Party, Because You'd Go Down To Walgreen's And Buy A Pack Of Blunts.

The Difference Between A Gop Convention And Comic-con Is That The People At Comic-con Have A Much Firmer Grasp Of Reality.

I'll Show You Obama's Birth Certificate When You Show Me Sarah Palin's High School Diploma.

All I'm Saying, As A Fan, Is I'm Tired Of The Same Song For 30 Years. Can't We Change The Message A Little? You've Arrived. You Have A Black President. Every White Guy In A Commercial Doesn't Have To Be The Idiot And Every Black Guy In A Rap Song Doesn't Have To Be God's Gift To The World.

New Rule: If Churches Don't Have To Pay Taxes, They Also Can't Call The Fire Department When They Catch Fire. Sorry Reverend, That's One Of Those Services That Goes Along With Paying In. I'll Use The Fire Department I Pay For. You Can Pray For Rain.

I Feel Terrible For A Palestinian Child Who Dies. But, If It's Your Father, Your Brother Or Your Uncle Who Was Firing Those Rockets Into Israel, Whose Fault Is It Really? Do You Really Expect The Israelis Not To Retaliate?

And He Said That 47%-that's Pretty High-47% Of Americans Are Basically Welfare Bums Who Are Mooching Off The Government. And Then He Said, 'my Job Is Not To Worry About Those People.' You Know, Where Do People Get This Stuff That Mitt Romney Is A Heartless, Calculating C**ksucker?

Don't Vote For Republicans Or Democrats Until They Clean Up The Open System Of Bribery That We Live Under.

Meat Is Dirty. I Wouldn't Touch A Hot Dog Without A Condom On It

The Country Can't Get Well If The People Are Sick. And The People Are Sick.

The Public Is Gullible. ... If [many Satirists Are] Making The Same Joke, That's The Danger. Then There's A Solidifying Effect And It Becomes A Truth.

If You Have A Gun, You Can Rob A Bank, But If You Have A Bank, You Can Rob Everyone.

We Don't Like Mystery. You Like Mystery, 'cause It's Not A Mystery To You; You Know When You're Gonna Get Laid.

The Plain Fact Is Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live. The Hour Is Getting Very Late To Be Able To Indulge In Having Key Deciscions Made By Religious People. By Irrationalists. By Those Who Would Steer The Ship Of State, Not By A Compass, But By The Equivalent Of Reading The Entrails Of A Chicken.

Tiger Woods Apologized To The Three Women In America He Never Got Around To Sleeping With.

It's So Childish, "greatest Country In The World." It's Like Saying, "i Have The Greatest Wife In The World. Not Just The One Best Suited For Me, The Greatest Wife In The World. And If You Could Have My Wife, You'd Kill Your Wife."

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

Sarah Palin Finally Heard What Happened In Japan And She's Demanding That We Invade 'tsunami.'

Eell There Always Is A Tendency In Human Nature To Deify.

That Mitt Romney, He Is A Master Campaigner. This Week He Was Introducing His Wife, And He Said, 'she Is The Heavyweight Champion Of My Life.” Which May Explain Why On The Ride Home, He Was Strapped To The Roof Of The Car.

Don't Wear Bacon Cologne. If You Put On...you Know What? Screw It. Wear It. If You Are The Type Of Guy Who Is Tempted To Wear Bacon Cologne, It's Not Like You Could Get Laid Any Less.

People Are Very Narcissistic. It's Not All Their Fault. We Live In A Society Where There Is A Magazine For You, A Channel For You, A Perfume For You.

I Don't Do Heroin Myself, But It's Done Wonders For My Music Collection.

Anyone Who Is Elected Mayor Of A Place Called "sin City" Is Allowed To Be A Drunk.

Remember, Guns Don't Kill People - Unless You Practice Real Hard.

Shouldn't We Be Against Procreation At This Point In Time? With Overpopulation And The Strain On The Resources On This Planet? Shouldn't We Reward People Who Don't Spawn?

Treason Is When Legislators Vote Against Homeland Security Measures Because It Goes Against The Wishes Of Their Political Or Financial Backers. Treason Is The Fact That, As A Terrorist, You Could Still Buy A Gun In This Country Because The Nra Lobby Is So Strong.

I Do Think The Patriotic Thing To Do Is To Critique My Country. How Else Do You Make A Country Better But By Pointing Out Its Flaws?

I Believe In God, I Just Give Him More Credit Than Being A Single Parent And An Author.

We Survived The 1980's. Back Then, The Economic Program Was Called 'trickle Down.' That Actually Meant They Were Pissing On You. How The Whole Theory Goes Was This: 'we Have All The Money. If We Drop Some, It's Yours. Go For It.'

Karl Rove Thinks We Shouldn’t Have Hillary Clinton In The White House Because She Fell And Hit Her Head A Couple Years Ago, Spent Three Days In The Hospital, And Maybe She Has Brain Damage. You Know, I Don’t Recall The Republicans Being This Concerned With Mental Fitness During The Years When Reagan Was Talking To House Plants In The White House.

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