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First They Didn't Believe In Evolution. Then They Didn't Believe In Global Warming. Now The Debt Ceiling. What I Call 'the Moron Trifecta.'

-Bill Maher

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First They Didn't Believe

Bill Maher

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First They Didn't Believe In Evolution. Then They Didn't Believe In Global Warming. Now The Debt Ceiling. What I Call 'the Moron Trifecta.'

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We Take One Group Of People And We Demonize Them. Trying To Turn People Against Our Muslim Friend And Neighbors.

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In America, If A Democrat Even Thinks You're Calling Him Liberal He Grabs An Orange Vest And A Rifle And Heads Into The Woods To Kill Something.

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A Lot Of People Have Warned President Clinton That Bosnia Will Turn Into Another Vietnam, Which Would Be Embarrassing For Him Because He'll Have To Go Back To College.

In America, You’re Allowed To Justify Almost Any Kind Of Bigotry, Sexism, Or Intolerance If You Source It To God’s Big Book Of Bad Ideas.

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If You Can Look At A Crime Where Everything Points To One Answer And Not See It, You're A Dumb-ass. And If You Can Look At The Deficit And Not See That The Problem Is That The Rich Stopped Paying Taxes, You're A Republican.

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Eric Holder, Our Attorney General, Says The Mr. Snowden Will Be Brought To Justice. Just As Soon As We Can Find Someone Who Can Track His Calls And Read His Emails.

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God Knows Life Sucks. It's Right There In The Bible. The Book Of Job Is All About Job Asking God To Take Away Pain And Misery. And God Says, "i Can't Take Away Pain And Misery Because Then No One Would Talk To Me."

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There Is Good News. Scientists Sent A Probe Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico Today And They Found Traces Of Seawater.

In New York Now, They Have Harvey Milk High School For Gay Students. They Don't Have Much Of A Football Team, But The Half-time Show . . .

I Feel Terrible For A Palestinian Child Who Dies. But, If It's Your Father, Your Brother Or Your Uncle Who Was Firing Those Rockets Into Israel, Whose Fault Is It Really? Do You Really Expect The Israelis Not To Retaliate?

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A Cult Is A Cult, And That's What A Frat Is. A Place Where They Strip You Of Your Personality And Rebuild It In Their Image.

Iraq Now Says That It Will, After All, Destroy Its Missiles. President Bush Said, 'please, I Used To Pull The Same Trick. There'd Be An Intervention, I'd Make A Big Show Of Pouring Out The Liquor And Then There Was A Case Under The Floorboards.'

The Thing I Don't Understand About Homosexuals Is, How Do They Decide Which One Is The One Who's Supposed To Pretend They Don't Want It?

Be Out Of The Mainstream. I'm Out Of The Mainstream. I Enjoy It, Who Wants To Be In The Mainstream?

New Rule: This Valentine’s Day Americans Must Remember That Politicians Are Like A Box Of Chocolates. We Bite Into Them To Find Out What's On The Inside Only To Discover That Democrats Are Too Often Soft And Gooey And Republicans Are Mostly Nuts.

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I Was Out At The Hbo Party, These Are Liberals, I Imagine, And A Lot Of People Came Up To Me And Said, "keep Giving It To The President."

Between Trying To Impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, And The Recall In California, I'm Beginning To Think That Republicans Will Do Anything To Win An Election-except Get The Most Votes.

People Have To Stop Saying That Just Because Someone Is An Anti-gay Activist They Might Be Gay. They're Definitely Gay!!

Space Tourism Is God's Way Of Telling You You Aren't Spending Enough On Lap Dances, Baccarat And Cocaine.

Not A Lot Of People Know About Tunisia. Sarah Palin Thinks It's The Name Of One Of Obama's Kids.

Well, That's Exactly The Wrong Attitude. That Is Not The Attitude They Had In World War Ii. You're Attitude Is That Freedom Means You Can Do Whatever You Want Whenever You Want It. And That Sacrifice Is Somehow Un-american. [...] But The Idea That We Should Also Be Defensive About Our Flaws And Our Weaknesses And Our Vulnerabilities Is Ridiculous.

I Think The News People No Longer Have Any Idea Of What Covering The News Is.

40% Of Homicides Go Unsolved. You Know, It's Not A Very Good Record. And, Also, 95% Of Convictions In America Come From Plea Bargaining, Which Is Often Coerced. It's Like We Have The Worst Of Both Worlds. We Don't Convict The Guilty Enough, And We Coerce The Innocent Too Much.

I Kid Fox News, But They May Be A Little Biased. We Had An Earthquake Here On Monday, And They Reported That 'the Earth's Crust Was Emboldened By Obama's Weakness.'

It's Supposed To Be A Good Thing That He's Got This Dialogue Started. To Me, I Think, I Just Took Away Something Bad From It, Because, Apparently He Had To Do This Not To Convince Them Of Anything. To Educate Them.

The American People Don't Really Care What Side Of An Issue You're On. They Just Don't Want You To Act Like A Pussy.

The Food Is Out Of This World!

Bp Today Finally Managed To Almost Completely Stop The Flow Of Information.

Ronald Reagan Basically Legalized Every Illegal Immigrant In This Country. I Just Like To Bring This Up Because Every Week I Like To Make Republican Heads Explode About How They Love Ronald Reagan, But Would Despise Everything He Did.

I Do Miss George Bush. Compared To These Teabaggers And The People Who Are Pandering To Them, He Looks Like A Professor.

And To Answer The Question That People Have About This Conspiracy Theory That He Has A Pack In His Back, My Answer Is, If Someone Was Feeding Him Answers, Couldn't They Be Able To Feed Him Better Ones Than He Came Up With?

Guys You Have Way Too Much Invested In Sport. Guys You Are Not The Tenth Man. You're A Machine For Turning Beer Into Piss That's What You Are!

I Know A Whole Generation Has Been Raised On The Notion Of Multiculturalism; That All Civilizations Are Just Different. No! Not Always. Sometimes Things Are Better! Rule Of Law Is Better Than Autocracy And Theocracy; Equality Of The Sexes, Better; Protection Of Minorities, Better; Free Speech, Better; Free Elections, Better; Free Appliances With Large Purchases, Better! Don't Get So Tolerant That You Tolerate Intolerance.

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Naturally The Smart Thing To Do To Solve Your Economic Woes Is To Demonize The Democrats. And Of Course, Sarah Palin Is More Than Happy To Oblige. She's Been Saying That Obama Hangs Out With Terrorists. And You Know, I Think The Evangelical Lady Who's In A Video Getting Blessed By A Witch Doctor, Who's Married To A Secessionist, And Can't Name A Newspaper -- She's Right, Obama Is Scary.

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Freedom Of Speech

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The Plain Fact Is: Religion Must Die For Mankind To Live.

You Talk About 'obama Is Going To Herd Us Into Fema Brainwashing Camps.' Maybe Your Brain Needs A Little Washing.

I Couldn't Run For Any Office. I Think That Religion Is Bad, Weed Is Good, And Babies Are Disgusting; Who Would Vote For Me?

The Car Bomb Was Fertilizer, Gasoline, Fireworks And Propane Tanks...still Safer Than A Toyota.

When I See The Toothless Guy, As A Liberal, What I Say Is, 'i Want To Help You Get Teeth.' Why Does That Make Me An A**hole?

Hey Birthers, Wanna Hear My Theory? My Theory Was That Obama Was Born In America And You Were Born With The Umbilical Cord Around Your Neck.

A Group Of Cuban Americans Denounced The Castro Government As A Fascist Regime That Monitors And Scrutinized Its Citizens' Everyday Existence. And Then They Excused Themselves To Go Watch Big Brother.

George Bush Says, 'gore's Book Needs A Lot Of Explaining.' Of Course, Bush Says That About Every Book.

You See, The Difference Is The Republicans' Hatred Of Obama Is Based On A Paranoid Feeling About What He Might Do, What He's Thinking, What He Secretly Wants To Change. Anger With Bush Was Based On What He Actually Did. What Bush Was Thinking Didn't Matter. Because He Wasn't.

France... What Can You Say About A Country That Was Too Stupid To Get On Board With Our Wonderfully-conceived And Brilliantly-executed War In Iraq?

Sex Is Too Easy For Women To Get, And Too Hard For Men. I Mean, Honestly, For A Man To Walk Into Someplace And Have Every Woman Ready To Take Him Home, He'd Have To Rule The World. A Woman Would Have To Do Her Hair.

We've Created Over 200,000 Jobs Every Month This Year. Hasn't Happened In 17 Years. I Guess My First Question Is, When Do The Republicans Stop Calling It 'obama's Economy'?

The Problem Is That The People With The Most Ridiculous Ideas Are Always The People Who Are Most Certain Of Them.

What Mostly Prevents Black People From Voting Is That Drug Laws Send Them To Prison, And Then They Can't Vote.

Don't Say A Woman Is Crazy Just Because She Runs Away From Her Wedding.

Clint Eastwood's Speech Was Kind Of A Metaphor For The Entire Republican Party: A Confused Old Person Yelling At Something That Doesn't Exist.

Stop Saying Athletes Do It For The Love Of The Game. They Do It For The Love Of Their 32-room Mansion With The Live Shark Tank In The Living Room. If Pro Sports Paid Minimum Wage, Shaquille O'neal Would Be A Bouncer At Scores, And Anna Kournikova Would Be A Mail-order Bride From Minsk.

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

Being Politicians, They All Got To Sharing Their Personal Stories. Obama Talked About His Mother's Battle With Cancer. Harry Reid Talked About A Kid With A Cleft Palate. And John Mccain Told How He Once Carried A Brain Dead Woman Through An Entire Campaign.

I Didn't Really Think A Lot About Religion, But I Didn't Really Think A Lot Against It, Either. I Was One Of Those People Who Didn't Go To Church, But When I Got In Trouble I Kinda Pleaded With God - Whoever That Was.

There's A Word The Teabaggers Have Wanted To Use Since Obama Came On The Scene, But They Can't Because It's Not The 1950s. They Would Love To Say This Word. It Begins With An N And Ends With -er, And It's Not "nation-builder."

New Rule: President Bush Must Stop Acting Like We're The Idiots. He Gives Speech After Speech, And The Theme Is Always The Same; 'what Part Of Freedom Don't You Get, You Morons?'. I'll Answer That For You Mr. President. The Part Where You Give It To People By Blowing Them Up.

London. Another Terrorist Attack And Isis Claimed Credit. I Am Surprised Because I Thought We Had Wiped Out Isis On Day One As Donald Trump Said.

Germs Do Not Have A Political Party.

New Rule: The Rest Of The World Can Go Back To Being Completely Jealous Of America. Our Majority White Country Just Freely Elected A Black President, Something No Other Democracy Has Ever Done. Take That Canada! Where's Your Nubian Warrior President? Your Head Of State Is A Boring White Dude Named Steven Harper, And Mine Is A Kick-ass Black Ninja Named Barack Hussein Obama!

I Never Thought I'd Say This, What Obama Needs In His Personality Is A Little George Bush.

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Tatiana Maslany

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