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The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

-Lewis Black

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The Thing Is, Whenever

Lewis Black

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The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

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I've Always Been A Social Network Retard, Even Before There Was A Social Network. People Would Say, "you Want To Go To This Party And Do Some Networking?"

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The Only Thing Dumber Than A Democrat Or A Republican Is When Those Pricks Work Together. You See, In Our Two-party System, The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas And The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. It Usually Goes Something Like This. A Republican Will Stand Up In Congress And Say, 'i've Got A Really Bad Idea.' And A Democrat Will Immediately Jump To His Feet And Declare, 'and I Can Make It Sh*ttier.'

Most Of The Longer-term Relationships I've Known Have Been Gay Relationships. They Seem To Be Able To Hang Out Longer.

My Favorite Health Club Is The International House Of Pancakes

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Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

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I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

Who Knew That The Devil Had A Factory Where He Made Millions Of Fossils, Which His Minions Distributed Throughout The Earth, In Order To Confuse My Tiny Brain?

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All The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911.

Corn On The Cob

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No Matter What, Your Parents Are Going To Worry About You. I Had A Tour Bus And My Mother Still Thought I Was Broke. Remember: It's Your Life, Not Theirs. Just Because Your Parents Sent You To College Doesn't Mean They Bought The Rest Of Your Life.

I Don't Tweet A Lot Because I've Tweeted Things That I Thought Were Really Innocuous About Subjects That Are Inflammatory, And The Response Is So Insane Sometimes From People.

You Look At My Audience, And It Proves What Congress Thinks America Is, Is Wrong. I Get People Across The Political Spectrum. Parents And Kids Come And They're All Punked Out, And There Are These Other Guys In John Deere Caps.

All Food Is Comfort Food. Maybe I Just Like To Chew.

You Got To Be Just Stupid To Not Be Focused On Alternative Energy.

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

I Had An Iphone And A Droid And Both Of Them Were Miserable Pieces Of Equipment.

If A Group Of People - Leaders - Can Convince A Group Of Folk Who Barely Have A Pot To Piss In That The Rich Shouldn't Be Taxed-- That Is Leadership!

Nyquil Comes In Two Colors, Red And Green, And It's The Only Thing On The Planet That Tastes Like Red And Green.

The Kids Say Golf Taught Them This And That. I Get It With The Military: A Guy Joins The Military Because He Needs Discipline And Has To Find Himself. But Don't Tell Me, 'golf Helps You Find Yourself.' I've Been Playing My Whole Life, And I'm Still Looking For Myself.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing. No Health Insurance, So If Something Happened I Was Screwed. I Was Lucky My Parents Had Money And My Brother Was Willing To Support Me For A Long Time. Once I Started Doing Standup, I Had An Income, And That Was Amazing To Me.

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'

If The People Of New Zealand Want To Be Part Of Our World, I Believe They Should Hop Off Their Islands, And Push 'em Closer.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

I Like My Friends Because They Make Me Feel Normal, Even Though I'm Not.

Then There Was The Man Who Declared In Court, He Wasn't A Person. "excuse Me, Sir, Why Haven't You Paid Your Taxes." "well, As You Can Clearly See, I Am Not A Person." "well, You Look Like A Person." "no It's All Done With Mirrors, Trust Me!"

When People Come To My Act Any Time After Thanksgiving, I Usually Say, You Shouldn't Be Here. You Should Be Shopping. Our Economy Depends On You! You Should Be Out There Buying Stuff.'

I Do Like Guinness, I Have To Say, Because You Feel Like You're Eating Something.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

You Can Never Put Too Much Pork In Your Mouth As Far As I'm Concerned.

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

I Don't Know If Watching Chaz Bono Will Turn Your Kids Into Transsexuals, But I'm Pretty Sure That Letting Them Watch Keith Ablow Will Turn Them Into Assholes

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

Saying That The Palestinian People Aren't Really A People - That's Not A Zany Thing To Say. That's A Psychotic Thing To Say In The Midst Of All Of The Politics We Live Through On A Daily Basis.

Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler.

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