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This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

-Lewis Black

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This Is The Thing

Lewis Black

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This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

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You Look At My Audience, And It Proves What Congress Thinks America Is, Is Wrong. I Get People Across The Political Spectrum. Parents And Kids Come And They're All Punked Out, And There Are These Other Guys In John Deere Caps.

I've Always Been A Social Network Retard, Even Before There Was A Social Network. People Would Say, "you Want To Go To This Party And Do Some Networking?"

One Thing I Know About The Rich, Being Rich, Is That You Can Take Money From Me And Tomorrow, I'm Still Going To Be Rich.

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

A Father And Two Sons Run Adelphia. It's A Cable Company. And They Took From That Company A Billion Dollars. A Billion. Three People - Three People Took A Billion Dollars. What Were They Gonna Do, Start Their Own Space Program? 'let's Send The Monkey To Mars, Dad!'

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.

What You Don't Do, If You're An Adult, Is Decide That You're Going To Budget Things Through A Sequester. What Does That Word Have To Do With Budgeting? It's Like If You Have A Family Budget And Go, 'we Really Don't Know What To Take Out Economically From The Budget, So We're Going To Whack Out Protein For This Week.'

If You Yell About One Woman, You're Not A Misogynist. If I Yell About Michelle Bachman, That Doesn't Make Me A Misogynist. If I Compare All Women To Michelle Bachman, Then I'm A Misogynist.

I Had To Watch The Republican Stuff Which Makes Me Feel Even Older Than I Am. By The Time I Get Through The Democrats, I May Be Dead. I Don't Know How Much Older I Can Get.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

Anybody Who Likes Writing A Book Is An Idiot. Because It's Impossible; It's Like Having A Homework Assignment Every Stinking Day Until It's Done. And By The Time You Get It In, It's Done And You're Sitting There Reading It, And You Realize The 12,000 Things You Didn't Do. I Mean, Writing Isn't Fun. It's Never Been Fun.

If You Really Think There's A Santa, Why Don't You Sit On The Front Steps All Night In The Freezing Cold And See If He Climbs Down Any Chimneys Tonight. Good Luck. And Since We're A Family That Isn't Lucky Enough To Have A Chimney, How Would Santa Get Into Our House? Does He Bring A Locksmith With Him? And It Probably Would Have To Be A Jewish Locksmith, Because A Christian Locksmith Is Going To Want To Be Home With His Family. And How Many Jewish Locksmiths Are There? None.

Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

My Review Of 2001, The Year, Is The Same As My Review Of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It Went On Too Long, It Was Hard To Follow, And You Could Only Enjoy It If You Were Really, Really, *really* Stoned.

I Can Be Drunk Until 6 In The Morning, And Then I Don't Have To Show Up To Work Until 14 Hours Later.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

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