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In Vegas, You Have An Audience You Can't Find Anywhere Else. It's From All Over The Country. You Play Seattle, Everyone's From Seattle. But In Vegas, You Have Six From Seattle, A Bunch From L.a., Some Local Las Vegans And Maybe A Farmer From Iowa. In Vegas, You Learn The Ins And Outs Of Holding A Room Because Of That Great Spectrum Of Folks.

-Lewis Black

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In Vegas, You Have

Lewis Black

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In Vegas, You Have An Audience You Can't Find Anywhere Else. It's From All Over The Country. You Play Seattle, Everyone's From Seattle. But In Vegas, You Have Six From Seattle, A Bunch From L.a., Some Local Las Vegans And Maybe A Farmer From Iowa. In Vegas, You Learn The Ins And Outs Of Holding A Room Because Of That Great Spectrum Of Folks.

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I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

You Want To Know What It's Like To Be On A Plane For 22 Hours? Sit In A Chair, Squeeze Your Head As Hard As You Can, Don't Stop, Then Take A Paper Bag And Put It Over Your Mouth And Nose And Breath Your Own Air Over And Over And Over.

I'm Constantly In Fear Of Having A Stroke.

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

Fema I Always Thought Was A Bone Here In Your Ass.

Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

Christians Have Created A Holiday That Has Become A Beast That Cannot Be Fed. Christmas Gets Longer And Longer And Longer, And You Don't Care, Do You? You Just Take More And More Of The Calendar For Yourself. It's Unbelievable. How Long Does It Take You People To Shop? It's Beyond Belief. It's Insane. When I Was A Kid, Halloween Was Halloween, And Santa Wasn't Poking His Ass Into It.

These People [the Christians] Watched The Flintstones As If It Were A Documentary.

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

I Was Home Alone Watching George Bush Speak On Television. So It Was Just Really The Two Of Us. And As I Listened To Him, I Realized, That One Of Us... Was Nuts! And For The First Time Ever, I Went, 'wow, It's Not Me!'

I Started Playing Golf When I Was A Kid, Because Across The Street From Where We Lived There Was A Little Nine-hole Golf Course Where My Father Worked.

The Kids Say Golf Taught Them This And That. I Get It With The Military: A Guy Joins The Military Because He Needs Discipline And Has To Find Himself. But Don't Tell Me, 'golf Helps You Find Yourself.' I've Been Playing My Whole Life, And I'm Still Looking For Myself.

Democrats Should Be Focused On Which Way We Can Help The Most People In This Country, And Republicans Should Be Focused On How To Do That In The Most Fiscally Responsible Manner Possible.

Stand-up Is The Only Thing In Which You Actually Write It, Act It And Direct It Simultaneously, So It's Actually A Great Theater Exercise.

Every Time I Use An App, Part Of My Brain Dies! We'll Get To The Point Where We Go To Bed And Wonder: 'did I Have A Thought Today?' You'll Have To Go To Your 'thought' App!

Everybody's Got Cable.

When You're Fund-raising For Schools, Then Something's Wrong. We Seem To Have Lost Some Sort Of Sense Of What The Common Good Is, And If You Don't Have A Sense Of What The Common Good Is, Then At Least Give To What You Think Your Specific Goods Are.

Now, They Say That New Zealand Is Beautiful And I Do Not Know -- Because After 22 Hours On A Plane Any Landmass Would Be Beautiful.

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

I Had More Material On Weather Than Anyone Else, I Guess, ... Back When I Was Traveling A Lot On The Road As A Standup Comic, Between Airport Security And The Weather... I Just Wanted To Be Prepared For Sitting In The Airport.

We Have Fossils... We Win!

One Of The Most Important Things, Especially When You're Leaving School, Is To Realize You're Going To Be Dealing With A Lot Of Idiots. And A Lot Of Those Idiots Are In Charge Of Things, So If You're In An Interview And You Really Want To Tell The Person Off, Don't Do It.

As Psychotic As It Gets Outside, The Comic Can Be More Psychotic.

Elected Officials Shouldn’t Get To Choose Who Gets To Choose Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

In Vegas, You Have An Audience You Can't Find Anywhere Else. It's From All Over The Country. You Play Seattle, Everyone's From Seattle. But In Vegas, You Have Six From Seattle, A Bunch From L.a., Some Local Las Vegans And Maybe A Farmer From Iowa. In Vegas, You Learn The Ins And Outs Of Holding A Room Because Of That Great Spectrum Of Folks.

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity. And I Think That's The Reason My Act Has Become More Political. I've Become Somewhat More Of A Political Comic Because The Level Of Stupidity I've Watched Is Staggering.

Nobody In College Races Home And Says, 'i Can't Wait To See The News! I Can't Wait To See Who Cbs Is Going To Hire!'

The Last Person To Get Across That Town In Under Three Hours Was Yelling "the British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

All The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911.

Corn On The Cob

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

Guarantees That

You Know What Would Help The Instruction Form? Verbs! Verbs Would Be Nice! Because They Help You Get To The End Of A Thought!

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!

My Father Worked At The Naval Ordnance Lab, And They Had A Nine-hole Course On The Property. You Paid A Quarter.

All Food Is Comfort Food. Maybe I Just Like To Chew.

The One Thing I Think We Learned This Year Is That The Democrats And The Republicans Are Completely Worthless.

If You're Working Out In Front Of A Mirror And Watching Your Muscles Grow, Your Ego Has Reached A Point Where It Is Now Eating Itself. That's Why I Believe There Should Be A Psychiatrist At Every Health Club, So That When They See You Doing This, They Will Take You Away For A Little Chat.

Should I Eat This Or Should I Eat This? Well, I'll Have To Eat Both!

When A Country Wants Television More Than They Want Clean Water, They've Lost Their Grip.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head. I Love Music Because It's Really Just - I Tried To Play Piano As A Kid. I Was Awful. It Didn't Help, And This Is Absolutely True, That My Piano Teacher Had Arthritis. And That's Not A Good Way To Learn.

These Ballot Initiatives Remind Us That America Is The Land Where People Are Free To Dream Whatever They Want, So Long As That Dream Doesn't Make Midwesterners Feel Icky!

If You Want To Get An Audience Quiet, Just Say "abortion" And Everybody Shuts Up And The Tension In The Room Is Spectacular.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

When We Anticipate, We're The Happiest. Unless You're On Antidepressants. The Reason You Take Antidepressants Is Because You Can't Anticipate. You Think Everything's Going To Be Horrible, So It Usually Is.

I Believe That Every Paper In The Country Should Have One Headline That When You Read It, You Laugh So Hard You Can't Stand It. It Has To Be That Way. What About A Headline Like This: 'hippo Eats Dwarf'? How Good Is That? You Read That Headline, And You Immediately Close The Paper And Say, 'wow, It's Gonna Be A Great Day.

I Have N'sync And Aerosmith And Britney Spears. I Have A Trifecta From Hell.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head.

Is A Bj Adultery? What? Did I Miss A Day Of School? Of Course It Is! Oral Sex Is Adultery Like Curling Is An Olympic Sport. The Only Thing Is, Oral Sex Should Be In The Olympics Because It's Much Harder Than Curling, And If You're Good At It, You Deserve A Medal!

I Think That Many Things That Go On In An Art School Have A Tendency To Undermine Confidence, And That Shouldn't Be Part Of The Ballgame, Ever.

I've Always Really Liked Theater. It Fascinated Me. You Can Create A Reality And Get People Involved In That Reality. It Takes Place In Real Time.

You Got To Be Just Stupid To Not Be Focused On Alternative Energy.

Nyquil Comes In Two Colors, Red And Green, And It's The Only Thing On The Planet That Tastes Like Red And Green.

You Don't Want Another Enron? Here's Your Law: If A Company, Can't Explain, In One Sentence, What It Does... It's Illegal.

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

I Am Angry That The Democrats Don't Have The Ability To Explain To Republicans That We Should Be Able To Feed People In This Country, And That Is Not Socialism.

It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On Cognitive Dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance

When You Compare Christmas To Hanukkah, There's No Comparison. Christmas Is Great. Hanukkah Sucks! First Night You Get Socks. Second Night, An Eraser, A Notebook. It's A Back-to-school Holiday!

This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

None Of This Seems To Affect The Leadership, That People Don't Go Out To Vote, That They Don't Feel The Need To Go Vote, That They Already Feel Disenfranchised. It's Not Just Obama's Fault Or Clinton's Or Whomever's, It's All Of Them, The Whole Collection Of Clowns I've Had To Sit Through.

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

Everyone Of You Has A Health That Is Unique And Totally Different From Everybody Else. Completely! Because We... Are All Like Snowflakes.

I Went To New Zealand This Year, And, Whew Man, I Know A Lot Of People Want To Go There. But Let Me Just Tell You, It's 22 Hours By Plane. So, If You Have The Opportunity, Don't.

I'm A Happy Person But An Angry Citizen.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.

I Think That I Don't Panic As Much As The Folks On The Left Or The Right Do. I Don't Have That Sense Of Panic.

The Only Thing Dumber Than A Democrat Or A Republican Is When Those Pricks Work Together. You See, In Our Two-party System, The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas And The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. It Usually Goes Something Like This. A Republican Will Stand Up In Congress And Say, 'i've Got A Really Bad Idea.' And A Democrat Will Immediately Jump To His Feet And Declare, 'and I Can Make It Sh*ttier.'

Wow, You Survived A Blackout. You're Made Of Stronger Stuff Than Ice Cream.

Most Of The Longer-term Relationships I've Known Have Been Gay Relationships. They Seem To Be Able To Hang Out Longer.

I Had An Iphone And A Droid And Both Of Them Were Miserable Pieces Of Equipment.

I Have No Religion Because I Was Born And Raised Jewish. And On The First Night Of Hanukkah, My Parents, When I Was Very Young, Gave Me A Top To Play With. They Called It A Dreidel. I Knew It Was A Top. And As I Looked At That Top, I Said, 'you Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

I'm Amazed That Anyone Is Interested In What I Have To Say.

We Have A Two-party System: The Democratic Party, Which Is A Party Of No Ideas, And The Republican Party, Which Is A Party Of Bad Ideas.

Whenever Someone Says They Believe The Earth Was Created In 7 Days, I Grab A Fossil And Say, Fossil. And If They Keep Talking, I Throw It Just Over Their Heads.

It's A Privilege To Pay Taxes. Yeah! It's Not A Political Question, Folks. We Have To Pay For Stuff.

Stupid Presidents, Smart Presidents, White Presidents, Black Presidents - Doesn't Work! What This Country Needs Is A Crazy Third World Dictator. And Donald Trump Has What It Takes To Be That. He's Already Got A Plane With His Name On It, Solid Gold Buildings, A Harem...

Interesting Thing About Being Rich Is Once You Pay Your Taxes, You're Still Rich.

I Have Never Thought Of My Entertainment As Being Able To Bring About Social Change. I Am Seriously Always Looking For The Laugh. What It Did Make Me Conscious Of Was Having Empathy For Those Without Any Power In This Country. That Has Always Stuck With Me.

Online, There's No Time. It's Always Christmas.

I Never Thought That Bill Clinton Should Be The President. When He Was Running To Be The President Of The United States, He Said On Over A Hundred Occasions, He Said The Following: He Said, 'one Of The Great Accomplishments While I Was The Governor Of Arkansas, Was To Take My State In Education From 50th To 49th.' And I Thought, ' You Know, Bill, You Should Keep That A Secret.

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.

It's 'six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, Except There's Just One Degree, And Kevin Bacon Is Hitler. Can I Play? Let's See. Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler!

Saying That The Palestinian People Aren't Really A People - That's Not A Zany Thing To Say. That's A Psychotic Thing To Say In The Midst Of All Of The Politics We Live Through On A Daily Basis.

Every Other Civilized Country Has Determined When Life Begins And It's Something That Eludes Us. We've Got Things That Have To Be Done! "we Didn't Fix That Bridge Because You Are All Down At The Meeting House Discussing Abortion Again."

See... What I Felt They Should Have Done, For Our First Public Works Project, Is Build A Giant Wall... Across The Entire Border Of Canada. Because That's Where The Cold Air Comes From.

I Think Comics In New York Are Interested In Being Comics. And There're Comics In L.a. Who Are Touring Comics, Who Are Certainly More Interested In Stand-up, But A Lot Of L.a. Stand-ups Are Really Looking To Do Something Else.

Being A Playwright Is Like The Equivalent Of Doing A Jigsaw Puzzle That Has 1,500 Pieces, And It's A Jigsaw Of A Blue Sky. Not A Cloud In Sight.

I've Got Stress Like Anybody Else, And It Builds Up During The Day. Like, I'll Be Trying To Do Something On The Computer, And I'll Get Stuck ,so I Go To The Help Section. And It Just Enrages Me, Because Why Even Call It A Help Section At All? There's Nothing In Any Way 'helpful' About It.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not. So It's Hard For Me To Come Up With Things, Because I Don't Write Stuff, I Don't Write My Act Down.

I Like Coffee Because It Gives Me The Illusion That I Might Be Awake.

I Was A Drinker, So I Went Through The Scotches. Before Single Malts Hit, There Were Really Cheap Scotches, Because Nobody Was Paying Attention To Them. Then By The Time They Started Jacking Those Prices Up, I Moved On To Vodka.

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

You Can Never Put Too Much Pork In Your Mouth As Far As I'm Concerned.

What Is The Difference Between A Democrat And A Republican? A Democrat Blows, A Republican Sucks.

The Fear Of Health Care Changing Is Beyond Belief. Like There's A Way To Make The System Worse. Really?

They've Gotta Stop Reporting Wind Chill. That's Nonsense. It Really Is. I Don't Know Where They Came Up With It, Why They Came Up With It, But It's A Lie. They Come On, "well, It's 27 Degrees Today, But With The Wind Chill, It's Minus 3." Well, Then It's Minus 3, Asshole! I Don't Need To Know What The Weather Was Like If The Conditions Were Perfect!

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

Basically, I Started On Stage Yelling And I Kept Yelling, And Then I Yelled Some More, And Then I Yelled Even Louder. I'm Modulated Now.

People Would Be A Lot Better Off If They'd Enjoy Being Single.

One Of The Interesting Things About Comedy Is It's Tension Release, And Nothing Creates Tension Faster Than Anger.

If You Don't Drink 56 Bottles Of Water A Week, Scientists Say You Should Take A Garden Hose At The End Of The Week And Shove It Up Your Ass.

The Core Of The American Public, Their Hearts And Their Minds Are In The Right Place. And That Gives Me Hope.

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

Republicans And Democrats Can Barely Do What They're Supposed To Do, And They Sure Can't Do Math!

Parenting Isn't Just Parenting Your Own Child.

I Have This Insane Optimistic Streak That The American People Prevail Over The Stupidity That The Leadership Exhibits Time And Time Again, And I Think That's The Truth.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

I Think You Have To [vote] And The Reason You Have To Go Vote Is An Important One, And That Is Because The Day You Vote Is The Day That You Will Feel The Most Ineffectual You Will Feel All Year.

Earth Day Was Created Because We Were Doing A Lot Of Drugs, More Drugs Than You Could Ever F@*! Imagine. And So We Came Up With Earth Day, So We'd Have One Day That Would Remind Us What Planet We Were Living On.

If You're Seeing A Psychiatrist, You're Wasting Money Because All You've Got To Do Is Get On A Plane, Get On A Subway Tomorrow And, Inevitably, You're Going To Be Seated In Front Of Some Guy Who's Playing With Himself, And He'll Be Singing, 'happy Days Are Here Again.' I Tell You - When I See That Guy, I Feel Pretty Good About Myself.

I'd Like The Campaigning To Be About All The Things They're Not Going To Do. Just Tell Me What You're Not Going Do! Don't Tell Me What You're Going To Do. Just Say "i'd Really Like To Do Solar Energy But I'm Not Going To Be Able To. I Really Want To Dig Holes Everywhere In The Country But I Really Won't Be Able To Do It Because People Seem To Think That Maybe My Water Will Be Screwed Up."

I Do Like Guinness, I Have To Say, Because You Feel Like You're Eating Something.

Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler.

And I Know This Happens Because I Took Economics, And I'd Explain It To Ya, But I Flunked That Course. Not My Fault. They Taught It At 8 O'clock In The Morning. And There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bloodshot Eye.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

My Father Painted, Well Into His 80s, What He Called Hard Edge Abstractions. It's Really Cool.

North Korea Is The Country That The Monkeys In The Wizard Of Oz Came From.

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing. No Health Insurance, So If Something Happened I Was Screwed. I Was Lucky My Parents Had Money And My Brother Was Willing To Support Me For A Long Time. Once I Started Doing Standup, I Had An Income, And That Was Amazing To Me.

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.

He Smiles So Much, I Don't Think He Has A Central Nervous System.

"equestrian", By The By, Is The Gayest Word In The English Language. In Fact, I Thought Brokeback Mountain Should Have Been Called Two Equestrians.

Brokeback Mountain

Jesse Ventura Is Basically Proof That The People Of Minnesota Are Not Social Drinkers... They Are Obviously Alcoholics.

My Parents Were Married For Sixty-five Years, And I Was Married For About Ten Minutes, My First Year At Yale Drama School. Something, Somehow, Didn't Get Passed On To My Generation.

Basically I Wake Up In The Morning And I Think Everything's Going To Be Great. I'm Really Kind Of Optimistic, And I Look Forward To A New Day. I Pick Up 'the New York Times,' And I Look At The Front Page And Realize That Once Again I'm Wrong. I Start To Fixate On Stuff.

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

I Had To Watch The Republican Stuff Which Makes Me Feel Even Older Than I Am. By The Time I Get Through The Democrats, I May Be Dead. I Don't Know How Much Older I Can Get.

Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourettes'.

When I Was A Kid, You Ate, And You Drank, And You Passed Out And Nobody Woke You Up And Said, 'let's Go Shopping.

I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I Never Have Been.

Behind Me, I Heard A Young Woman Of 25 Say, "if It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College." Now, I'm Gonna Repeat That, Because It Bears Repeating. "if It Weren't For My Horse..." As In, Giddyup, Giddyup, Let's Go — "i Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College," Which Is A Degree-granting Institution. Don't Think About That Too Long, Or Blood Will Shoot Out Your Nose!

The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

Glenn Beck Is Offended! Glenn Beck Thinks Playing The Nazi Card Is Going Too Far. Glenn Beck. This Is A Guy Who Uses More Swastika Props And Video Of The Nuremberg Rallies Than The History Channel.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

When From Behind Me, A Young Woman Of 25 Uttered The Following, It Was The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Heard In My Life Until Dan Quayle Was Elected Vice President Of The United States. She Said, If It Weren't For My Horse, I Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College.

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing.

A Republican Stands Up In Congress And Says 'i Got A Really Bad Idea!!' And The Democrat Stands Up After Him And Says 'and I Can Make It Shittier!!

I Really Wanted To Talk About The War On Terror And Say That Both Sides Were Completely Incompetent [in Addressing It]. You Can't Blame The Other Side When You're Involved In It.

Valentine's Day: The Holiday That Reminds You That If You Don't Have A Special Someone, You're Alone.

Funny Valentines Day

My Review Of 2001, The Year, Is The Same As My Review Of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It Went On Too Long, It Was Hard To Follow, And You Could Only Enjoy It If You Were Really, Really, *really* Stoned.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

Americans Continue To Rapidly Homogenize Ourselves Into A Neutered Oblivion. For A Country Founded On The Protection Of The Unique, We Relish Our Sameness.

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

It Was The Coldest Winter Ever! I Thought Last Winter Was The Coldest Winter Ever, But I Was Wrong Now Wasn't I? You See Because I Travel All The Time. So Last Winter, I'd Be In The Midwest, And The Blizzard Would Hit. And Then I'd Fly Home, And The Blizzard Would Hit Again!

The Tortoise Moves Very Slowly, It Moves Towards Whatever The Goal Is, To Keep A Democratic Capitalistic Society Functioning.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

In Four Days, I Experienced Five Seasons. It Was Thirty, It Was Sixty, It Was Ninety, Then It Was Twelve! And On The Last Day, There Was Thunder, Lightning, And Snow - Together! And I Hadn't Done Drugs.

If A Group Of People - Leaders - Can Convince A Group Of Folk Who Barely Have A Pot To Piss In That The Rich Shouldn't Be Taxed-- That Is Leadership!

There's A Whole Group Of Christians Who Believe The Individual Is More Important, But In The End I Don't Think That's What Christ Was Talking About.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

Some People Have Religion As A Means Of Solace. But, I Had A Dreidel, So That Was Out.

People Go To Vegas, And They Don't Know What To Do; Here's What You Do. You Go To The Casino In Your Hotel. On Your Arrival, You Get $100 In Quarters. Take That $100 Back To Your Hotel Room And Stare At It For A Long, Long Time. Why? Because You're Never Going To See Them Again. Then You Take Those Quarters To The Bathroom And You Flush Them, One By One By One. And The Nice Thing About That Is That Every So Often The Toilet Will Back Up, And You'll Feel Like A Winner!

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

Democrats Are Dumb And Republicans Are Stupid, But The Difference Between Dumb And Stupid Is Dumb Isn't Funny. Dumb Is When You Say Something And The Whole Room Goes, 'what Did He Say?'

I Don't Know If Watching Chaz Bono Will Turn Your Kids Into Transsexuals, But I'm Pretty Sure That Letting Them Watch Keith Ablow Will Turn Them Into Assholes

Political Audiences Are Not Fun.

If You Are An Adult, And You Are Planning To Dress Up On Halloween... Don't. I Will Find You. I Will Hurt You.

Let Me Be Serious: Divorce Is A Sacred Institution Between A Man And A Woman Who Hate Each Other. God Wanted Adam To Pay Alimony To Eve, Not Steve.

It's A Big Thing Now: A Lot Of People Want To Be Assistants To Celebrities. If You're Pursuing That, You're An Idiot. You're A Moron. The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not A Celebrity, Or Being Next To A Celebrity.

[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

We Are All Shitty Little Snowflakes Dancing In The Universe.

There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bllodeshot Eye.

Macs Are Not Intuitive. It's Intuitive To The Person Who Created It. It's Not Intuitive To Me.

Socialism Appeals To Me. It's Like Imposed Christianity. You've Got To Share.

If I Wanted To Be Bored By 6,000 Pages Of Unreadable Dreck, I'd Read War And Peace Four Times.

You Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

When I'm Funny Is When I'm Angriest.

Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

Republicans Have Nothing But Bad Ideas And Democrats Have No Ideas.

Johnny Vassilaros Is The Man Who Has Created The Finest Cup Of Coffee Ever Served In The City Of New York.

If You Stop Eating Donutes You Will Live 3 Years Longer.it's Just 3 More Years That You Want A Donut. < . ) < .

Apparently There Is No Profit In The Unique, Or Not Enough To Make It Worthwhile To Preserve. Ultimately It Drains The Life Out Of Us, And Existentialism Starts To Make More And More Sense.

The Droid I Had Actually Seemed To Have Free Will, Which I Thought Was Interesting.

If The People Of New Zealand Want To Be Part Of Our World, I Believe They Should Hop Off Their Islands, And Push 'em Closer.

I Do Have Certain Feelings. My Feeling Is That Whoever Is In Charge, I Want Him Out.

My Parents Are The Last Of The Middle Class. My Father Worked For The Government Designing Sea Mines. My Mother Was A Substitute Teacher. Together, They Worked Really Only Until They Were Sixty.

How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

Government Work

I Continue To Work On Plays, But I've Always Felt That You Could Put A Note In A Bottle And Send It Offshore, And You'd Have As Much Chance Communicating With People.

Since There Are So Many Idiots Out There, You May Actually Start To Think You're Crazy. You Are Not. They Are Idiots.

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

In New York, F*** Isn't Even A Word. It's A Comma.

If You Really Think There's A Santa, Why Don't You Sit On The Front Steps All Night In The Freezing Cold And See If He Climbs Down Any Chimneys Tonight. Good Luck. And Since We're A Family That Isn't Lucky Enough To Have A Chimney, How Would Santa Get Into Our House? Does He Bring A Locksmith With Him? And It Probably Would Have To Be A Jewish Locksmith, Because A Christian Locksmith Is Going To Want To Be Home With His Family. And How Many Jewish Locksmiths Are There? None.

I Think Inevitably Over The Course Of My Lifetime There's Been An Underestimation Of The American People, And I Believe They Are Really The Ones That Give Me Hope. There's So Much Of "they Don't Know This, And They Don't Know That," And They're Always Denigrating.

There Is No Better Moment Than This Moment, When We're Anticipating The Actual Moment Itself. All Of The Moments That Lead Up To The Actual Moment Are Truly The Best Moments. Those Are The Moments That Are Filled With Good Times. Those Are The Moments In Which You Are Able To Think That It Is Going To Be Perfect, When The Moment Actually Happens. But, The Moment Is Reality, And Reality Always Kinda Sucks!

What You Don't Do, If You're An Adult, Is Decide That You're Going To Budget Things Through A Sequester. What Does That Word Have To Do With Budgeting? It's Like If You Have A Family Budget And Go, 'we Really Don't Know What To Take Out Economically From The Budget, So We're Going To Whack Out Protein For This Week.'

I've Been Very Lucky. There Are Guys I Know Who Are Really Terrific In This Business Of Stand-up Who Have Not Gotten The Recognition They Deserve. And It's Nice, If You've Put In The Time, To Achieve That Recognition.

I Would Like To Play Pebble Beach At Some Point. I Keep Waiting For Them To Call And Ask Me To That Little Pro-am Thing, But I'm Not Big Enough.

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

Well First Of All, I'd Just Like To Say That 2005 Was A Great Year, If You Like Swimming Through Crap.

If It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College.

Everybody's Family Has Different Values.

Different Values

In Canada I'm Not Dealing With People Who Are Bringing In Baggage, They Just Get It. But New Orleans Will Be A Bit Different. If There's A Group Of People Who Have A Right To Be Bitter, It's The People Of New Orleans.

Anybody Who Likes Writing A Book Is An Idiot. Because It's Impossible; It's Like Having A Homework Assignment Every Stinking Day Until It's Done. And By The Time You Get It In, It's Done And You're Sitting There Reading It, And You Realize The 12,000 Things You Didn't Do. I Mean, Writing Isn't Fun. It's Never Been Fun.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

I've Got Stuff About Airline Mergers, Which Just Shows That My Stand-up Is Getting More Insane By The Minute.

On The Plane Was A Time Magazine And There Was A 30 Page Article On Diabetes, And I Read Every Page. By The Time That Plane Landed, I Had Diabetes.

When They Played, It Wasn't Music. It Was The Sound Of Chaos. I Knew It Was The Sound Of Chaos Because You Could Hear Pigs Being Slaughtered. Women Were Weeping And Men Were Gnashing Their Teeth, And There Were Sounds So Horrible That I Cannot Repeat Them To You, Or You Would Flee From This Room In Horror!

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