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The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

-Lewis Black

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The New Millennium Sucks!

Lewis Black

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The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

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If You're Seeing A Psychiatrist, You're Wasting Money Because All You've Got To Do Is Get On A Plane, Get On A Subway Tomorrow And, Inevitably, You're Going To Be Seated In Front Of Some Guy Who's Playing With Himself, And He'll Be Singing, 'happy Days Are Here Again.' I Tell You - When I See That Guy, I Feel Pretty Good About Myself.

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

A Republican Stands Up In Congress And Says 'i Got A Really Bad Idea!!' And The Democrat Stands Up After Him And Says 'and I Can Make It Shittier!!

Socialism Appeals To Me. It's Like Imposed Christianity. You've Got To Share.

[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

I Think Inevitably Over The Course Of My Lifetime There's Been An Underestimation Of The American People, And I Believe They Are Really The Ones That Give Me Hope. There's So Much Of "they Don't Know This, And They Don't Know That," And They're Always Denigrating.

Johnny Vassilaros Is The Man Who Has Created The Finest Cup Of Coffee Ever Served In The City Of New York.

People Would Be A Lot Better Off If They'd Enjoy Being Single.

Wow, You Survived A Blackout. You're Made Of Stronger Stuff Than Ice Cream.

There Should Be A Law That You Can't Shut Down The Government - That You Don't Have That Power.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

If Somebody Tries To Tell Me The Earth Was Created In 7 Days I Take A Fossil And Say "fossil". If He Still Won't Shut Up I Throw It At Him.

I Was Home Alone Watching George Bush Speak On Television. So It Was Just Really The Two Of Us. And As I Listened To Him, I Realized, That One Of Us... Was Nuts! And For The First Time Ever, I Went, 'wow, It's Not Me!'

When I'm Funny Is When I'm Angriest.

Nyquil Comes In Two Colors, Red And Green, And It's The Only Thing On The Planet That Tastes Like Red And Green.

Sometimes I Wonder Does God Just Not Care Are Is He To Busy Ignoring Your Prayers

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

In New York, F*** Isn't Even A Word. It's A Comma.

Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourettes'.

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'

The Worst Thing About Halloween Is, Of Course, Candy Corn. It's Unbelievable To Me. Candy Corn Is The Only Candy In The History Of America That's Never Been Advertised. And There's A Reason. All Of The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911. And So, Since Nobody Eats That Stuff, Every Year There's A Ton Of It Left Over.

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

This Is How Sad My Life Is: I Got A Scar From Scratching My Chicken Pox Too Much. That's My Big Scar Story. I Really Have No Major Scars.

Going Up To Canada Is Great Because I'm Not Dealing With People Carrying Their Agendas Into The Room. I'm Lucky Because 97% Of The People Who Come To The Show Know Who They Are Dealing With, Whether They Are On The Left Or The Right, We're Sharing The Same Frustration.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

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