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If You Listen To A Song And Get An Image In Your Head, And Then You Go Home And Watch Mtv And The Image They're Showing Is The Same As The One In Your Head, Kill Yourself. You're Better Off Coming Back As A Lobster.

-Lewis Black

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If You Listen To

Lewis Black

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If You Listen To A Song And Get An Image In Your Head, And Then You Go Home And Watch Mtv And The Image They're Showing Is The Same As The One In Your Head, Kill Yourself. You're Better Off Coming Back As A Lobster.

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It Took Forever For Me To Get Work Because I Was A Political Comic, And Now It's Become Good Business, And God Knows How Long That'll Last. You Have To Do It Night After Night After Night To Kind Of Make It. I Still Find Myself On 'piers Morgan' Or On Some Show And I Think, 'i Hope This Is Funny.'

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A Republican Stands Up In Congress And Says 'i Got A Really Bad Idea!!' And The Democrat Stands Up After Him And Says 'and I Can Make It Shittier!!

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

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Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

I Hammer On A Theme Until I'm Tired Of It And The Audience Is Tired Of It.

There's No Reason To Tweet When You Are In The Midst Of A Great Moment; They Are Few And Far Between. So Pay Attention To It, As You Probably Won't See It Again. You Can Always Tweet Later, If You're Lucky Enough To Be Part Of History And You Think 140 Characters Can Do Credit To Someone Like Martin Luther King Or To The Speech He Made That Day.

If I Get A Week Off, I'll Go To A Hotel That Has A Golf Course. I Like To Come Downstairs And Go Right Onto The Course. I'll Do That Five Days In A Row.

I Can Be Drunk Until 6 In The Morning, And Then I Don't Have To Show Up To Work Until 14 Hours Later.

Democrats Are Dumb And Republicans Are Stupid, But The Difference Between Dumb And Stupid Is Dumb Isn't Funny. Dumb Is When You Say Something And The Whole Room Goes, 'what Did He Say?'

Turns Out We've Been Eating The Wrong Things...since The Dawn Of Civilisation

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

I Think Comics In New York Are Interested In Being Comics. And There're Comics In L.a. Who Are Touring Comics, Who Are Certainly More Interested In Stand-up, But A Lot Of L.a. Stand-ups Are Really Looking To Do Something Else.

I'm Constantly In Fear Of Having A Stroke.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

I Had An Iphone And A Droid And Both Of Them Were Miserable Pieces Of Equipment.

None Of This Seems To Affect The Leadership, That People Don't Go Out To Vote, That They Don't Feel The Need To Go Vote, That They Already Feel Disenfranchised. It's Not Just Obama's Fault Or Clinton's Or Whomever's, It's All Of Them, The Whole Collection Of Clowns I've Had To Sit Through.

Should I Eat This Or Should I Eat This? Well, I'll Have To Eat Both!

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Since There Are So Many Idiots Out There, You May Actually Start To Think You're Crazy. You Are Not. They Are Idiots.

This Is How Sad My Life Is: I Got A Scar From Scratching My Chicken Pox Too Much. That's My Big Scar Story. I Really Have No Major Scars.

I Was Home Alone Watching George Bush Speak On Television. So It Was Just Really The Two Of Us. And As I Listened To Him, I Realized, That One Of Us... Was Nuts! And For The First Time Ever, I Went, 'wow, It's Not Me!'

It's 'six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, Except There's Just One Degree, And Kevin Bacon Is Hitler. Can I Play? Let's See. Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler!

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Sometimes I Wonder Does God Just Not Care Are Is He To Busy Ignoring Your Prayers

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

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Everybody's Got Cable.

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Just Relax And Breathe Through Your Ass.

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I Have N'sync And Aerosmith And Britney Spears. I Have A Trifecta From Hell.

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There Should Be A Law That You Can't Shut Down The Government - That You Don't Have That Power.

I Am Angry That The Democrats Don't Have The Ability To Explain To Republicans That We Should Be Able To Feed People In This Country, And That Is Not Socialism.

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As Psychotic As It Gets Outside, The Comic Can Be More Psychotic.

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

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Republicans Have Nothing But Bad Ideas And Democrats Have No Ideas.

Is A Bj Adultery? What? Did I Miss A Day Of School? Of Course It Is! Oral Sex Is Adultery Like Curling Is An Olympic Sport. The Only Thing Is, Oral Sex Should Be In The Olympics Because It's Much Harder Than Curling, And If You're Good At It, You Deserve A Medal!

In New York, F*** Isn't Even A Word. It's A Comma.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

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Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

We Are All Shitty Little Snowflakes Dancing In The Universe.

North Korea Is The Country That The Monkeys In The Wizard Of Oz Came From.

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'

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[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

Johnny Vassilaros Is The Man Who Has Created The Finest Cup Of Coffee Ever Served In The City Of New York.

He Smiles So Much, I Don't Think He Has A Central Nervous System.

The People We Elect Aren't Bipartisan. The American Public Is Bipartisan.

We Have Fossils... We Win!

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I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

All Food Is Comfort Food. Maybe I Just Like To Chew.

It's Absolutely Stupid That We Live Without An Ozone Layer. We Have Men, We've Got Rockets, We've Got Saran Wrap - Fix It!

I Don't Tweet A Lot Because I've Tweeted Things That I Thought Were Really Innocuous About Subjects That Are Inflammatory, And The Response Is So Insane Sometimes From People.

When People Come To My Act Any Time After Thanksgiving, I Usually Say, You Shouldn't Be Here. You Should Be Shopping. Our Economy Depends On You! You Should Be Out There Buying Stuff.'

Every Time I Use An App, Part Of My Brain Dies! We'll Get To The Point Where We Go To Bed And Wonder: 'did I Have A Thought Today?' You'll Have To Go To Your 'thought' App!

You Don't Want Another Enron? Here's Your Law: If A Company, Can't Explain, In One Sentence, What It Does... It's Illegal.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

I Think Inevitably Over The Course Of My Lifetime There's Been An Underestimation Of The American People, And I Believe They Are Really The Ones That Give Me Hope. There's So Much Of "they Don't Know This, And They Don't Know That," And They're Always Denigrating.

When You're Fund-raising For Schools, Then Something's Wrong. We Seem To Have Lost Some Sort Of Sense Of What The Common Good Is, And If You Don't Have A Sense Of What The Common Good Is, Then At Least Give To What You Think Your Specific Goods Are.

If You Are An Adult, And You Are Planning To Dress Up On Halloween... Don't. I Will Find You. I Will Hurt You.

In My Lifetime, We've Gone From Eisenhower To George W. Bush. We've Gone From John F. Kennedy To Al Gore. If This Is Evolution, I Believe That In Twelve Years, We'll Be Voting For Plants.

If You're Working Out In Front Of A Mirror And Watching Your Muscles Grow, Your Ego Has Reached A Point Where It Is Now Eating Itself. That's Why I Believe There Should Be A Psychiatrist At Every Health Club, So That When They See You Doing This, They Will Take You Away For A Little Chat.

The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

People Go To Vegas, And They Don't Know What To Do; Here's What You Do. You Go To The Casino In Your Hotel. On Your Arrival, You Get $100 In Quarters. Take That $100 Back To Your Hotel Room And Stare At It For A Long, Long Time. Why? Because You're Never Going To See Them Again. Then You Take Those Quarters To The Bathroom And You Flush Them, One By One By One. And The Nice Thing About That Is That Every So Often The Toilet Will Back Up, And You'll Feel Like A Winner!

These People [the Christians] Watched The Flintstones As If It Were A Documentary.

I Knew That I'd Lived In New York Too Long When, A Few Years Ago, I Was On A Subway Going Downtown, And It Stopped At 14th Street. At The Station, The Doors Opened, And The Conductor Announced That There Was A Bomb On Board And We Should Evacuate Immediately. Nobody Moved. We Just Looked At Each Other, 'do You See A Bomb?' 'i Don't See A Bomb.' 'there's No Bomb.' 'i've Only Got Two Stops - Let's Go For It.

I Do Have Certain Feelings. My Feeling Is That Whoever Is In Charge, I Want Him Out.

My Parents Were Married For Sixty-five Years, And I Was Married For About Ten Minutes, My First Year At Yale Drama School. Something, Somehow, Didn't Get Passed On To My Generation.

This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

Who Knew That The Devil Had A Factory Where He Made Millions Of Fossils, Which His Minions Distributed Throughout The Earth, In Order To Confuse My Tiny Brain?

Well First Of All, I'd Just Like To Say That 2005 Was A Great Year, If You Like Swimming Through Crap.

If You're Going To Pick A Book And You Want To Base A System Of Government Around It, Why Not 'harry Potter?'

It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On Cognitive Dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance

All The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911.

Corn On The Cob

Pursue Whatever It Is That You Want To Do With Your Life. It Is The Only Secret To Happiness That I Know Except For Maybe True Love, That And Maybe Having The Amazing Health Insurance Plan That Our Congressmen Have.

I Would Like To Play Pebble Beach At Some Point. I Keep Waiting For Them To Call And Ask Me To That Little Pro-am Thing, But I'm Not Big Enough.

Basically, I Started On Stage Yelling And I Kept Yelling, And Then I Yelled Some More, And Then I Yelled Even Louder. I'm Modulated Now.

I Really Wanted To Talk About The War On Terror And Say That Both Sides Were Completely Incompetent [in Addressing It]. You Can't Blame The Other Side When You're Involved In It.

If It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College.

Whenever Someone Says They Believe The Earth Was Created In 7 Days, I Grab A Fossil And Say, Fossil. And If They Keep Talking, I Throw It Just Over Their Heads.

I've Always Been A Social Network Retard, Even Before There Was A Social Network. People Would Say, "you Want To Go To This Party And Do Some Networking?"

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

Guarantees That

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

Americans Continue To Rapidly Homogenize Ourselves Into A Neutered Oblivion. For A Country Founded On The Protection Of The Unique, We Relish Our Sameness.

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

A Lot Of The Times I'm Looking At Something That I Discover Is Part Of A Larger Framework And Not Just A Couple Jokes. I See That It's A Set, A Story That I'll Be Telling. Sometimes I Get Lost In That.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head.

I Believe That Summer Is Our Time, A Time For The People, And That No Politician Should Be Allowed To Speak To Us During The Summer. They Can Start Talking Again After Labor Day.

Parenting Isn't Just Parenting Your Own Child.

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

Apparently There Is No Profit In The Unique, Or Not Enough To Make It Worthwhile To Preserve. Ultimately It Drains The Life Out Of Us, And Existentialism Starts To Make More And More Sense.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

You Can Never Put Too Much Pork In Your Mouth As Far As I'm Concerned.

I Have This Insane Optimistic Streak That The American People Prevail Over The Stupidity That The Leadership Exhibits Time And Time Again, And I Think That's The Truth.

What Is The Difference Between A Democrat And A Republican? A Democrat Blows, A Republican Sucks.

There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bllodeshot Eye.

I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

When From Behind Me, A Young Woman Of 25 Uttered The Following, It Was The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Heard In My Life Until Dan Quayle Was Elected Vice President Of The United States. She Said, If It Weren't For My Horse, I Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College.

It's 2003. Why Can't I Teleport?

I Don't Know If Watching Chaz Bono Will Turn Your Kids Into Transsexuals, But I'm Pretty Sure That Letting Them Watch Keith Ablow Will Turn Them Into Assholes

These Ballot Initiatives Remind Us That America Is The Land Where People Are Free To Dream Whatever They Want, So Long As That Dream Doesn't Make Midwesterners Feel Icky!

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

We Have A Two-party System: The Democratic Party, Which Is A Party Of No Ideas, And The Republican Party, Which Is A Party Of Bad Ideas.

That's The Funny Thing About Religion: It Doesn't Matter What You Say, You're Going To Upset Someone.

Macs Are Not Intuitive. It's Intuitive To The Person Who Created It. It's Not Intuitive To Me.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

I Like Indoor Christmas Trees. And I Like People Who Decorate Their Homes With Lights And All That Crap. I Think It's A Healthy Outlet For Them. If They Weren't Covering Their Lawns With Twinkling Lights, They'd Be Doing Something That Was Really, Really Creepy.

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

Every Other Civilized Country Has Determined When Life Begins And It's Something That Eludes Us. We've Got Things That Have To Be Done! "we Didn't Fix That Bridge Because You Are All Down At The Meeting House Discussing Abortion Again."

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not. So It's Hard For Me To Come Up With Things, Because I Don't Write Stuff, I Don't Write My Act Down.

I'd Like The Campaigning To Be About All The Things They're Not Going To Do. Just Tell Me What You're Not Going Do! Don't Tell Me What You're Going To Do. Just Say "i'd Really Like To Do Solar Energy But I'm Not Going To Be Able To. I Really Want To Dig Holes Everywhere In The Country But I Really Won't Be Able To Do It Because People Seem To Think That Maybe My Water Will Be Screwed Up."

If You Yell About One Woman, You're Not A Misogynist. If I Yell About Michelle Bachman, That Doesn't Make Me A Misogynist. If I Compare All Women To Michelle Bachman, Then I'm A Misogynist.

You Realize That For All The Shenanigans That Go On In The Big Circus Of Politics, Everybody Wakes Up And Goes To Work.

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

In A Series Of Wonderful Essays, Evan Handler Gives Himself Up To Us - Warts And All. To Our Amusement And Bemusement We Share In His Emotional Growth As He Struggles To Mature. I Not Only Laughed Along With Him But Felt That I Too Had Grown A Little Along The Way. Who Could Ask For More?

If The People Of New Zealand Want To Be Part Of Our World, I Believe They Should Hop Off Their Islands, And Push 'em Closer.

The Droid I Had Actually Seemed To Have Free Will, Which I Thought Was Interesting.

Writing Is Thinking And Thinking Is Hard Work.

On The Plane Was A Time Magazine And There Was A 30 Page Article On Diabetes, And I Read Every Page. By The Time That Plane Landed, I Had Diabetes.

How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

Government Work

One Of The Interesting Things About Comedy Is It's Tension Release, And Nothing Creates Tension Faster Than Anger.

I Believe That Every Paper In The Country Should Have One Headline That When You Read It, You Laugh So Hard You Can't Stand It. It Has To Be That Way. What About A Headline Like This: 'hippo Eats Dwarf'? How Good Is That? You Read That Headline, And You Immediately Close The Paper And Say, 'wow, It's Gonna Be A Great Day.

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

How Long Can We Go Without Real Leadership? It's Like An Experiment. It's [a Problem With] Both Parties, It's Beyond Belief.

One Thing I Know About The Rich, Being Rich, Is That You Can Take Money From Me And Tomorrow, I'm Still Going To Be Rich.

My Favorite Health Club Is The International House Of Pancakes

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!

Basically I Wake Up In The Morning And I Think Everything's Going To Be Great. I'm Really Kind Of Optimistic, And I Look Forward To A New Day. I Pick Up 'the New York Times,' And I Look At The Front Page And Realize That Once Again I'm Wrong. I Start To Fixate On Stuff.

The Fear Of Health Care Changing Is Beyond Belief. Like There's A Way To Make The System Worse. Really?

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.

If You Listen To A Song And Get An Image In Your Head, And Then You Go Home And Watch Mtv And The Image They're Showing Is The Same As The One In Your Head, Kill Yourself. You're Better Off Coming Back As A Lobster.

The Last Person To Get Across That Town In Under Three Hours Was Yelling "the British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"

When A Country Wants Television More Than They Want Clean Water, They've Lost Their Grip.

I've Got Stress Like Anybody Else, And It Builds Up During The Day. Like, I'll Be Trying To Do Something On The Computer, And I'll Get Stuck ,so I Go To The Help Section. And It Just Enrages Me, Because Why Even Call It A Help Section At All? There's Nothing In Any Way 'helpful' About It.

You Got To Be Just Stupid To Not Be Focused On Alternative Energy.

Self-love Is A Big Part Of Golf.

If You're Seeing A Psychiatrist, You're Wasting Money Because All You've Got To Do Is Get On A Plane, Get On A Subway Tomorrow And, Inevitably, You're Going To Be Seated In Front Of Some Guy Who's Playing With Himself, And He'll Be Singing, 'happy Days Are Here Again.' I Tell You - When I See That Guy, I Feel Pretty Good About Myself.

One Of The Most Important Things, Especially When You're Leaving School, Is To Realize You're Going To Be Dealing With A Lot Of Idiots. And A Lot Of Those Idiots Are In Charge Of Things, So If You're In An Interview And You Really Want To Tell The Person Off, Don't Do It.

I Think That Many Things That Go On In An Art School Have A Tendency To Undermine Confidence, And That Shouldn't Be Part Of The Ballgame, Ever.

I'm A Happy Person But An Angry Citizen.

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