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Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

-Lewis Black

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Ninety Percent Of A

Lewis Black

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Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

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Christians Have Created A Holiday That Has Become A Beast That Cannot Be Fed. Christmas Gets Longer And Longer And Longer, And You Don't Care, Do You? You Just Take More And More Of The Calendar For Yourself. It's Unbelievable. How Long Does It Take You People To Shop? It's Beyond Belief. It's Insane. When I Was A Kid, Halloween Was Halloween, And Santa Wasn't Poking His Ass Into It.

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

You Got To Be Just Stupid To Not Be Focused On Alternative Energy.

People Go To Vegas, And They Don't Know What To Do; Here's What You Do. You Go To The Casino In Your Hotel. On Your Arrival, You Get $100 In Quarters. Take That $100 Back To Your Hotel Room And Stare At It For A Long, Long Time. Why? Because You're Never Going To See Them Again. Then You Take Those Quarters To The Bathroom And You Flush Them, One By One By One. And The Nice Thing About That Is That Every So Often The Toilet Will Back Up, And You'll Feel Like A Winner!

When I Was A Kid, You Ate, And You Drank, And You Passed Out And Nobody Woke You Up And Said, 'let's Go Shopping.

If You Want To Get An Audience Quiet, Just Say "abortion" And Everybody Shuts Up And The Tension In The Room Is Spectacular.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

One Of The Most Important Things, Especially When You're Leaving School, Is To Realize You're Going To Be Dealing With A Lot Of Idiots. And A Lot Of Those Idiots Are In Charge Of Things, So If You're In An Interview And You Really Want To Tell The Person Off, Don't Do It.

For A While, I Thought The Great Disappointment Of My Life Was That I Don't Have A Family Of My Own. Then It Dawned On Me: That's Not What I Think; That's What Married People Think.

It Was The Coldest Winter Ever! I Thought Last Winter Was The Coldest Winter Ever, But I Was Wrong Now Wasn't I? You See Because I Travel All The Time. So Last Winter, I'd Be In The Midwest, And The Blizzard Would Hit. And Then I'd Fly Home, And The Blizzard Would Hit Again!

I Think Inevitably Over The Course Of My Lifetime There's Been An Underestimation Of The American People, And I Believe They Are Really The Ones That Give Me Hope. There's So Much Of "they Don't Know This, And They Don't Know That," And They're Always Denigrating.

Elected Officials Shouldn’t Get To Choose Who Gets To Choose Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

Macs Are Not Intuitive. It's Intuitive To The Person Who Created It. It's Not Intuitive To Me.

Saying That The Palestinian People Aren't Really A People - That's Not A Zany Thing To Say. That's A Psychotic Thing To Say In The Midst Of All Of The Politics We Live Through On A Daily Basis.

I Think You Have To [vote] And The Reason You Have To Go Vote Is An Important One, And That Is Because The Day You Vote Is The Day That You Will Feel The Most Ineffectual You Will Feel All Year.

When They Played, It Wasn't Music. It Was The Sound Of Chaos. I Knew It Was The Sound Of Chaos Because You Could Hear Pigs Being Slaughtered. Women Were Weeping And Men Were Gnashing Their Teeth, And There Were Sounds So Horrible That I Cannot Repeat Them To You, Or You Would Flee From This Room In Horror!

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not.

If You're Working Out In Front Of A Mirror And Watching Your Muscles Grow, Your Ego Has Reached A Point Where It Is Now Eating Itself. That's Why I Believe There Should Be A Psychiatrist At Every Health Club, So That When They See You Doing This, They Will Take You Away For A Little Chat.

Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler.

Basically I Wake Up In The Morning And I Think Everything's Going To Be Great. I'm Really Kind Of Optimistic, And I Look Forward To A New Day. I Pick Up 'the New York Times,' And I Look At The Front Page And Realize That Once Again I'm Wrong. I Start To Fixate On Stuff.

I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

Parenting Isn't Just Parenting Your Own Child.

If You Yell About One Woman, You're Not A Misogynist. If I Yell About Michelle Bachman, That Doesn't Make Me A Misogynist. If I Compare All Women To Michelle Bachman, Then I'm A Misogynist.

When You Compare Christmas To Hanukkah, There's No Comparison. Christmas Is Great. Hanukkah Sucks! First Night You Get Socks. Second Night, An Eraser, A Notebook. It's A Back-to-school Holiday!

I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

I Would Like To Play Pebble Beach At Some Point. I Keep Waiting For Them To Call And Ask Me To That Little Pro-am Thing, But I'm Not Big Enough.

How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

Government Work

It's A Big Thing Now: A Lot Of People Want To Be Assistants To Celebrities. If You're Pursuing That, You're An Idiot. You're A Moron. The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not A Celebrity, Or Being Next To A Celebrity.

Nobody In College Races Home And Says, 'i Can't Wait To See The News! I Can't Wait To See Who Cbs Is Going To Hire!'

Whenever Someone Says They Believe The Earth Was Created In 7 Days, I Grab A Fossil And Say, Fossil. And If They Keep Talking, I Throw It Just Over Their Heads.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

I Think Comics In New York Are Interested In Being Comics. And There're Comics In L.a. Who Are Touring Comics, Who Are Certainly More Interested In Stand-up, But A Lot Of L.a. Stand-ups Are Really Looking To Do Something Else.

He Smiles So Much, I Don't Think He Has A Central Nervous System.

I Started Playing Golf When I Was A Kid, Because Across The Street From Where We Lived There Was A Little Nine-hole Golf Course Where My Father Worked.

The Fine Line That You Do When You Do Political Comedy Is, As Long As You Have That Laugh, You're Fine.

It Took Forever For Me To Get Work Because I Was A Political Comic, And Now It's Become Good Business, And God Knows How Long That'll Last. You Have To Do It Night After Night After Night To Kind Of Make It. I Still Find Myself On 'piers Morgan' Or On Some Show And I Think, 'i Hope This Is Funny.'

You Know What Would Help The Instruction Form? Verbs! Verbs Would Be Nice! Because They Help You Get To The End Of A Thought!

The Core Of The American Public, Their Hearts And Their Minds Are In The Right Place. And That Gives Me Hope.

I'd Like The Campaigning To Be About All The Things They're Not Going To Do. Just Tell Me What You're Not Going Do! Don't Tell Me What You're Going To Do. Just Say "i'd Really Like To Do Solar Energy But I'm Not Going To Be Able To. I Really Want To Dig Holes Everywhere In The Country But I Really Won't Be Able To Do It Because People Seem To Think That Maybe My Water Will Be Screwed Up."

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

I'm Always Amazed When I Hear People Saying, "that George Bush, He's A Great Leader". And I Wonder, Where Can One Find A Drug That Would Make One So Delusional?

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

I've Always Been A Social Network Retard, Even Before There Was A Social Network. People Would Say, "you Want To Go To This Party And Do Some Networking?"

You Want To Know What It's Like To Be On A Plane For 22 Hours? Sit In A Chair, Squeeze Your Head As Hard As You Can, Don't Stop, Then Take A Paper Bag And Put It Over Your Mouth And Nose And Breath Your Own Air Over And Over And Over.

If A Group Of People - Leaders - Can Convince A Group Of Folk Who Barely Have A Pot To Piss In That The Rich Shouldn't Be Taxed-- That Is Leadership!

Stupid Presidents, Smart Presidents, White Presidents, Black Presidents - Doesn't Work! What This Country Needs Is A Crazy Third World Dictator. And Donald Trump Has What It Takes To Be That. He's Already Got A Plane With His Name On It, Solid Gold Buildings, A Harem...

My Father Worked At The Naval Ordnance Lab, And They Had A Nine-hole Course On The Property. You Paid A Quarter.

Some People Have Religion As A Means Of Solace. But, I Had A Dreidel, So That Was Out.

How Long Can We Go Without Real Leadership? It's Like An Experiment. It's [a Problem With] Both Parties, It's Beyond Belief.

Glenn Beck Is Offended! Glenn Beck Thinks Playing The Nazi Card Is Going Too Far. Glenn Beck. This Is A Guy Who Uses More Swastika Props And Video Of The Nuremberg Rallies Than The History Channel.

Being A Playwright Is Like The Equivalent Of Doing A Jigsaw Puzzle That Has 1,500 Pieces, And It's A Jigsaw Of A Blue Sky. Not A Cloud In Sight.

I've Always Really Liked Theater. It Fascinated Me. You Can Create A Reality And Get People Involved In That Reality. It Takes Place In Real Time.

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.

When You're Fund-raising For Schools, Then Something's Wrong. We Seem To Have Lost Some Sort Of Sense Of What The Common Good Is, And If You Don't Have A Sense Of What The Common Good Is, Then At Least Give To What You Think Your Specific Goods Are.

That's The Funny Thing About Religion: It Doesn't Matter What You Say, You're Going To Upset Someone.

None Of This Seems To Affect The Leadership, That People Don't Go Out To Vote, That They Don't Feel The Need To Go Vote, That They Already Feel Disenfranchised. It's Not Just Obama's Fault Or Clinton's Or Whomever's, It's All Of Them, The Whole Collection Of Clowns I've Had To Sit Through.

I Think That Many Things That Go On In An Art School Have A Tendency To Undermine Confidence, And That Shouldn't Be Part Of The Ballgame, Ever.

In Four Days, I Experienced Five Seasons. It Was Thirty, It Was Sixty, It Was Ninety, Then It Was Twelve! And On The Last Day, There Was Thunder, Lightning, And Snow - Together! And I Hadn't Done Drugs.

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!

If It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College.

The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

Everybody's Got Cable.

Everybody's Family Has Different Values.

Different Values

Every Time I Use An App, Part Of My Brain Dies! We'll Get To The Point Where We Go To Bed And Wonder: 'did I Have A Thought Today?' You'll Have To Go To Your 'thought' App!

If I Wanted To Be Bored By 6,000 Pages Of Unreadable Dreck, I'd Read War And Peace Four Times.

You Are An Adult, And You Can Dress Up Whenever You Want To. You Don't Need Permission Anymore! If You Wake Up Next Tuesday, And You Feel Like Being Batman, Go For It! And Then You Go To Work, And Your Boss Will Look Up And Go "who Are You," And You Can Say: "i Am Batman. That's Who I Am, Who Are You?"

There Should Be A Law That You Can't Shut Down The Government - That You Don't Have That Power.

Every Other Civilized Country Has Determined When Life Begins And It's Something That Eludes Us. We've Got Things That Have To Be Done! "we Didn't Fix That Bridge Because You Are All Down At The Meeting House Discussing Abortion Again."

I Believe That Every Paper In The Country Should Have One Headline That When You Read It, You Laugh So Hard You Can't Stand It. It Has To Be That Way. What About A Headline Like This: 'hippo Eats Dwarf'? How Good Is That? You Read That Headline, And You Immediately Close The Paper And Say, 'wow, It's Gonna Be A Great Day.

One Of The Interesting Things About Comedy Is It's Tension Release, And Nothing Creates Tension Faster Than Anger.

The One Thing I Think We Learned This Year Is That The Democrats And The Republicans Are Completely Worthless.

This Is How Sad My Life Is: I Got A Scar From Scratching My Chicken Pox Too Much. That's My Big Scar Story. I Really Have No Major Scars.

My Favorite Health Club Is The International House Of Pancakes

I Had More Material On Weather Than Anyone Else, I Guess, ... Back When I Was Traveling A Lot On The Road As A Standup Comic, Between Airport Security And The Weather... I Just Wanted To Be Prepared For Sitting In The Airport.

I Had To Watch The Republican Stuff Which Makes Me Feel Even Older Than I Am. By The Time I Get Through The Democrats, I May Be Dead. I Don't Know How Much Older I Can Get.

Socialism Appeals To Me. It's Like Imposed Christianity. You've Got To Share.

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

Wow, You Survived A Blackout. You're Made Of Stronger Stuff Than Ice Cream.

It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On Cognitive Dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing.

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

The Reason I Like Socialism Is That It's Kind Of Enforced Christianity. It's Basically Very Christian, In The Sense Of "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You." These People Have Nothing, So You Have To Share.

I Am Angry That The Democrats Don't Have The Ability To Explain To Republicans That We Should Be Able To Feed People In This Country, And That Is Not Socialism.

Behind Me, I Heard A Young Woman Of 25 Say, "if It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College." Now, I'm Gonna Repeat That, Because It Bears Repeating. "if It Weren't For My Horse..." As In, Giddyup, Giddyup, Let's Go — "i Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College," Which Is A Degree-granting Institution. Don't Think About That Too Long, Or Blood Will Shoot Out Your Nose!

I Was Home Alone Watching George Bush Speak On Television. So It Was Just Really The Two Of Us. And As I Listened To Him, I Realized, That One Of Us... Was Nuts! And For The First Time Ever, I Went, 'wow, It's Not Me!'

They've Gotta Stop Reporting Wind Chill. That's Nonsense. It Really Is. I Don't Know Where They Came Up With It, Why They Came Up With It, But It's A Lie. They Come On, "well, It's 27 Degrees Today, But With The Wind Chill, It's Minus 3." Well, Then It's Minus 3, Asshole! I Don't Need To Know What The Weather Was Like If The Conditions Were Perfect!

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

We Are All Shitty Little Snowflakes Dancing In The Universe.

If You Are An Adult, And You Are Planning To Dress Up On Halloween... Don't. I Will Find You. I Will Hurt You.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity. And I Think That's The Reason My Act Has Become More Political. I've Become Somewhat More Of A Political Comic Because The Level Of Stupidity I've Watched Is Staggering.

Interesting Thing About Being Rich Is Once You Pay Your Taxes, You're Still Rich.

Fema I Always Thought Was A Bone Here In Your Ass.

In A Series Of Wonderful Essays, Evan Handler Gives Himself Up To Us - Warts And All. To Our Amusement And Bemusement We Share In His Emotional Growth As He Struggles To Mature. I Not Only Laughed Along With Him But Felt That I Too Had Grown A Little Along The Way. Who Could Ask For More?

The Worst Thing About Halloween Is, Of Course, Candy Corn. It's Unbelievable To Me. Candy Corn Is The Only Candy In The History Of America That's Never Been Advertised. And There's A Reason. All Of The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911. And So, Since Nobody Eats That Stuff, Every Year There's A Ton Of It Left Over.

There's A Whole Group Of Christians Who Believe The Individual Is More Important, But In The End I Don't Think That's What Christ Was Talking About.

I Have No Religion Because I Was Born And Raised Jewish. And On The First Night Of Hanukkah, My Parents, When I Was Very Young, Gave Me A Top To Play With. They Called It A Dreidel. I Knew It Was A Top. And As I Looked At That Top, I Said, 'you Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

I Don't Tweet A Lot Because I've Tweeted Things That I Thought Were Really Innocuous About Subjects That Are Inflammatory, And The Response Is So Insane Sometimes From People.

My Review Of 2001, The Year, Is The Same As My Review Of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It Went On Too Long, It Was Hard To Follow, And You Could Only Enjoy It If You Were Really, Really, *really* Stoned.

Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

Political Audiences Are Not Fun.

Now, Most Of The Time You Couldn't Be Too Sure Of The Quality Of The Drug. Although, In My Experience The Stuff Was Always Of A Very High Quality, Because Back Then We Didn't Have Business Majors Peddling Lower-quality Stuff In An Effort To Increase Profits.

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

Then There Was The Man Who Declared In Court, He Wasn't A Person. "excuse Me, Sir, Why Haven't You Paid Your Taxes." "well, As You Can Clearly See, I Am Not A Person." "well, You Look Like A Person." "no It's All Done With Mirrors, Trust Me!"

The Fear Of Health Care Changing Is Beyond Belief. Like There's A Way To Make The System Worse. Really?

If I Get A Week Off, I'll Go To A Hotel That Has A Golf Course. I Like To Come Downstairs And Go Right Onto The Course. I'll Do That Five Days In A Row.

I Like Indoor Christmas Trees. And I Like People Who Decorate Their Homes With Lights And All That Crap. I Think It's A Healthy Outlet For Them. If They Weren't Covering Their Lawns With Twinkling Lights, They'd Be Doing Something That Was Really, Really Creepy.

There Is No Better Moment Than This Moment, When We're Anticipating The Actual Moment Itself. All Of The Moments That Lead Up To The Actual Moment Are Truly The Best Moments. Those Are The Moments That Are Filled With Good Times. Those Are The Moments In Which You Are Able To Think That It Is Going To Be Perfect, When The Moment Actually Happens. But, The Moment Is Reality, And Reality Always Kinda Sucks!

You Don't Want Another Enron? Here's Your Law: If A Company, Can't Explain, In One Sentence, What It Does... It's Illegal.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head.

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

Guarantees That

"equestrian", By The By, Is The Gayest Word In The English Language. In Fact, I Thought Brokeback Mountain Should Have Been Called Two Equestrians.

Brokeback Mountain

One Thing I Know About The Rich, Being Rich, Is That You Can Take Money From Me And Tomorrow, I'm Still Going To Be Rich.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

I Like College Football, But I'm A Huge College Basketball Fan. I Could Sit And Watch Every Game Of March Madness And Be Happy. That Could Be A Vacation.

The Last Person To Get Across That Town In Under Three Hours Was Yelling "the British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"

Republicans Have Nothing But Bad Ideas And Democrats Have No Ideas.

A Republican Stands Up In Congress And Says 'i Got A Really Bad Idea!!' And The Democrat Stands Up After Him And Says 'and I Can Make It Shittier!!

I Do Like Guinness, I Have To Say, Because You Feel Like You're Eating Something.

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

What Is The Difference Between A Democrat And A Republican? A Democrat Blows, A Republican Sucks.

If Somebody Tries To Tell Me The Earth Was Created In 7 Days I Take A Fossil And Say "fossil". If He Still Won't Shut Up I Throw It At Him.

Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

I Can Be Drunk Until 6 In The Morning, And Then I Don't Have To Show Up To Work Until 14 Hours Later.

You're On Facebook, And These People Seem To Have Endless Lives. I Don't Have Time To Live My Life, Let Alone Tell You What I'm Doing, Or Post A Photo.

The Thing That Makes My Generation The Greatest Is Our Ability To Hang Out. We're Spectacular At It. If You Take Somebody From My Generation And Sit Them On A Couch And Bring Them Food And Plumbing, They'll Sit There And Talk To You About Anything You Want Until The Day You Die.

I've Got Stuff About Airline Mergers, Which Just Shows That My Stand-up Is Getting More Insane By The Minute.

As Psychotic As It Gets Outside, The Comic Can Be More Psychotic.

It's 'six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, Except There's Just One Degree, And Kevin Bacon Is Hitler. Can I Play? Let's See. Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler!

The Droid I Had Actually Seemed To Have Free Will, Which I Thought Was Interesting.

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

Valentine's Day: The Holiday That Reminds You That If You Don't Have A Special Someone, You're Alone.

Funny Valentines Day

Earth Day Was Created Because We Were Doing A Lot Of Drugs, More Drugs Than You Could Ever F@*! Imagine. And So We Came Up With Earth Day, So We'd Have One Day That Would Remind Us What Planet We Were Living On.

Sometimes I Wonder Does God Just Not Care Are Is He To Busy Ignoring Your Prayers

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head. I Love Music Because It's Really Just - I Tried To Play Piano As A Kid. I Was Awful. It Didn't Help, And This Is Absolutely True, That My Piano Teacher Had Arthritis. And That's Not A Good Way To Learn.

If The People Of New Zealand Want To Be Part Of Our World, I Believe They Should Hop Off Their Islands, And Push 'em Closer.

Is A Bj Adultery? What? Did I Miss A Day Of School? Of Course It Is! Oral Sex Is Adultery Like Curling Is An Olympic Sport. The Only Thing Is, Oral Sex Should Be In The Olympics Because It's Much Harder Than Curling, And If You're Good At It, You Deserve A Medal!

Jesse Ventura Is Basically Proof That The People Of Minnesota Are Not Social Drinkers... They Are Obviously Alcoholics.

I Hammer On A Theme Until I'm Tired Of It And The Audience Is Tired Of It.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not. So It's Hard For Me To Come Up With Things, Because I Don't Write Stuff, I Don't Write My Act Down.

I Have This Insane Optimistic Streak That The American People Prevail Over The Stupidity That The Leadership Exhibits Time And Time Again, And I Think That's The Truth.

Johnny Vassilaros Is The Man Who Has Created The Finest Cup Of Coffee Ever Served In The City Of New York.

I Do The Same Gig. I Might Change It A Little; I Might Slow It Down If I'm In The South. I Talk Fast, And They're Not Used To People Talking That Fast.

I Had An Iphone And A Droid And Both Of Them Were Miserable Pieces Of Equipment.

When From Behind Me, A Young Woman Of 25 Uttered The Following, It Was The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Heard In My Life Until Dan Quayle Was Elected Vice President Of The United States. She Said, If It Weren't For My Horse, I Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College.

There's No Reason To Tweet When You Are In The Midst Of A Great Moment; They Are Few And Far Between. So Pay Attention To It, As You Probably Won't See It Again. You Can Always Tweet Later, If You're Lucky Enough To Be Part Of History And You Think 140 Characters Can Do Credit To Someone Like Martin Luther King Or To The Speech He Made That Day.

These People [the Christians] Watched The Flintstones As If It Were A Documentary.

This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

These Ballot Initiatives Remind Us That America Is The Land Where People Are Free To Dream Whatever They Want, So Long As That Dream Doesn't Make Midwesterners Feel Icky!

Democrats Are Dumb And Republicans Are Stupid, But The Difference Between Dumb And Stupid Is Dumb Isn't Funny. Dumb Is When You Say Something And The Whole Room Goes, 'what Did He Say?'

When I'm Funny Is When I'm Angriest.

When We Anticipate, We're The Happiest. Unless You're On Antidepressants. The Reason You Take Antidepressants Is Because You Can't Anticipate. You Think Everything's Going To Be Horrible, So It Usually Is.

It's Great That We're Bringing Democracy To Iraq. I Can't Wait To See How We Do It! What Are We Gonna Do, Give Them Our Civics Textbooks?

I Like My Friends Because They Make Me Feel Normal, Even Though I'm Not.

There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bllodeshot Eye.

I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I Never Have Been.

I Don't Need Politicians Doing A 24-hour Prayer With Oral Roberts To Get Our Country Back On Track.

If You Stop Eating Donutes You Will Live 3 Years Longer.it's Just 3 More Years That You Want A Donut. < . ) < .

Republicans And Democrats Can Barely Do What They're Supposed To Do, And They Sure Can't Do Math!

I Think That I Don't Panic As Much As The Folks On The Left Or The Right Do. I Don't Have That Sense Of Panic.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

The Tortoise Moves Very Slowly, It Moves Towards Whatever The Goal Is, To Keep A Democratic Capitalistic Society Functioning.

The Kids Say Golf Taught Them This And That. I Get It With The Military: A Guy Joins The Military Because He Needs Discipline And Has To Find Himself. But Don't Tell Me, 'golf Helps You Find Yourself.' I've Been Playing My Whole Life, And I'm Still Looking For Myself.

I Believe That Summer Is Our Time, A Time For The People, And That No Politician Should Be Allowed To Speak To Us During The Summer. They Can Start Talking Again After Labor Day.

There's No Such Thing As Soy Milk. It's Soy Juice.

Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

Democrats Should Be Focused On Which Way We Can Help The Most People In This Country, And Republicans Should Be Focused On How To Do That In The Most Fiscally Responsible Manner Possible.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

If You're Going To Pick A Book And You Want To Base A System Of Government Around It, Why Not 'harry Potter?'

Nyquil Comes In Two Colors, Red And Green, And It's The Only Thing On The Planet That Tastes Like Red And Green.

I Continue To Work On Plays, But I've Always Felt That You Could Put A Note In A Bottle And Send It Offshore, And You'd Have As Much Chance Communicating With People.

Pursue Whatever It Is That You Want To Do With Your Life. It Is The Only Secret To Happiness That I Know Except For Maybe True Love, That And Maybe Having The Amazing Health Insurance Plan That Our Congressmen Have.

Online, There's No Time. It's Always Christmas.

Turns Out We've Been Eating The Wrong Things...since The Dawn Of Civilisation

I Do Have Certain Feelings. My Feeling Is That Whoever Is In Charge, I Want Him Out.

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing. No Health Insurance, So If Something Happened I Was Screwed. I Was Lucky My Parents Had Money And My Brother Was Willing To Support Me For A Long Time. Once I Started Doing Standup, I Had An Income, And That Was Amazing To Me.

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

Apparently There Is No Profit In The Unique, Or Not Enough To Make It Worthwhile To Preserve. Ultimately It Drains The Life Out Of Us, And Existentialism Starts To Make More And More Sense.

You Realize That For All The Shenanigans That Go On In The Big Circus Of Politics, Everybody Wakes Up And Goes To Work.

In New York, F*** Isn't Even A Word. It's A Comma.

Let Me Be Serious: Divorce Is A Sacred Institution Between A Man And A Woman Who Hate Each Other. God Wanted Adam To Pay Alimony To Eve, Not Steve.

You Look At My Audience, And It Proves What Congress Thinks America Is, Is Wrong. I Get People Across The Political Spectrum. Parents And Kids Come And They're All Punked Out, And There Are These Other Guys In John Deere Caps.

I've Been Very Lucky. There Are Guys I Know Who Are Really Terrific In This Business Of Stand-up Who Have Not Gotten The Recognition They Deserve. And It's Nice, If You've Put In The Time, To Achieve That Recognition.

We Have A Two-party System: The Democratic Party, Which Is A Party Of No Ideas, And The Republican Party, Which Is A Party Of Bad Ideas.

Who Knew That The Devil Had A Factory Where He Made Millions Of Fossils, Which His Minions Distributed Throughout The Earth, In Order To Confuse My Tiny Brain?

I Knew That I'd Lived In New York Too Long When, A Few Years Ago, I Was On A Subway Going Downtown, And It Stopped At 14th Street. At The Station, The Doors Opened, And The Conductor Announced That There Was A Bomb On Board And We Should Evacuate Immediately. Nobody Moved. We Just Looked At Each Other, 'do You See A Bomb?' 'i Don't See A Bomb.' 'there's No Bomb.' 'i've Only Got Two Stops - Let's Go For It.

Writing Is Thinking And Thinking Is Hard Work.

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

If You're Seeing A Psychiatrist, You're Wasting Money Because All You've Got To Do Is Get On A Plane, Get On A Subway Tomorrow And, Inevitably, You're Going To Be Seated In Front Of Some Guy Who's Playing With Himself, And He'll Be Singing, 'happy Days Are Here Again.' I Tell You - When I See That Guy, I Feel Pretty Good About Myself.

Basically, I Started On Stage Yelling And I Kept Yelling, And Then I Yelled Some More, And Then I Yelled Even Louder. I'm Modulated Now.

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

I Have N'sync And Aerosmith And Britney Spears. I Have A Trifecta From Hell.

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