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I Do The Same Gig. I Might Change It A Little; I Might Slow It Down If I'm In The South. I Talk Fast, And They're Not Used To People Talking That Fast.

-Lewis Black

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I Do The Same

Lewis Black

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I Do The Same Gig. I Might Change It A Little; I Might Slow It Down If I'm In The South. I Talk Fast, And They're Not Used To People Talking That Fast.

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Apparently There Is No Profit In The Unique, Or Not Enough To Make It Worthwhile To Preserve. Ultimately It Drains The Life Out Of Us, And Existentialism Starts To Make More And More Sense.

Everybody's Family Has Different Values.

Different Values

The Tortoise Moves Very Slowly, It Moves Towards Whatever The Goal Is, To Keep A Democratic Capitalistic Society Functioning.

Turns Out We've Been Eating The Wrong Things...since The Dawn Of Civilisation

I'd Like The Campaigning To Be About All The Things They're Not Going To Do. Just Tell Me What You're Not Going Do! Don't Tell Me What You're Going To Do. Just Say "i'd Really Like To Do Solar Energy But I'm Not Going To Be Able To. I Really Want To Dig Holes Everywhere In The Country But I Really Won't Be Able To Do It Because People Seem To Think That Maybe My Water Will Be Screwed Up."

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

Going Up To Canada Is Great Because I'm Not Dealing With People Carrying Their Agendas Into The Room. I'm Lucky Because 97% Of The People Who Come To The Show Know Who They Are Dealing With, Whether They Are On The Left Or The Right, We're Sharing The Same Frustration.

I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I Never Have Been.

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

If It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College.

The Worst Thing About Halloween Is, Of Course, Candy Corn. It's Unbelievable To Me. Candy Corn Is The Only Candy In The History Of America That's Never Been Advertised. And There's A Reason. All Of The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911. And So, Since Nobody Eats That Stuff, Every Year There's A Ton Of It Left Over.

It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On Cognitive Dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance

My Favorite Health Club Is The International House Of Pancakes

If You Listen To A Song And Get An Image In Your Head, And Then You Go Home And Watch Mtv And The Image They're Showing Is The Same As The One In Your Head, Kill Yourself. You're Better Off Coming Back As A Lobster.

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

I Don't Know If Watching Chaz Bono Will Turn Your Kids Into Transsexuals, But I'm Pretty Sure That Letting Them Watch Keith Ablow Will Turn Them Into Assholes

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing.

I Like Coffee Because It Gives Me The Illusion That I Might Be Awake.

Basically, I Started On Stage Yelling And I Kept Yelling, And Then I Yelled Some More, And Then I Yelled Even Louder. I'm Modulated Now.

There Is No Better Moment Than This Moment, When We're Anticipating The Actual Moment Itself. All Of The Moments That Lead Up To The Actual Moment Are Truly The Best Moments. Those Are The Moments That Are Filled With Good Times. Those Are The Moments In Which You Are Able To Think That It Is Going To Be Perfect, When The Moment Actually Happens. But, The Moment Is Reality, And Reality Always Kinda Sucks!

All Food Is Comfort Food. Maybe I Just Like To Chew.

If We're Not Going To Tax The Rich Anymore, We're Going To Create Class Warfare.

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

If A Group Of People - Leaders - Can Convince A Group Of Folk Who Barely Have A Pot To Piss In That The Rich Shouldn't Be Taxed-- That Is Leadership!

A Republican Stands Up In Congress And Says 'i Got A Really Bad Idea!!' And The Democrat Stands Up After Him And Says 'and I Can Make It Shittier!!

How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

Government Work

Fema I Always Thought Was A Bone Here In Your Ass.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

I Have No Religion Because I Was Born And Raised Jewish. And On The First Night Of Hanukkah, My Parents, When I Was Very Young, Gave Me A Top To Play With. They Called It A Dreidel. I Knew It Was A Top. And As I Looked At That Top, I Said, 'you Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not.

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourettes'.

Let Me Be Serious: Divorce Is A Sacred Institution Between A Man And A Woman Who Hate Each Other. God Wanted Adam To Pay Alimony To Eve, Not Steve.

You Realize That For All The Shenanigans That Go On In The Big Circus Of Politics, Everybody Wakes Up And Goes To Work.

When They Played, It Wasn't Music. It Was The Sound Of Chaos. I Knew It Was The Sound Of Chaos Because You Could Hear Pigs Being Slaughtered. Women Were Weeping And Men Were Gnashing Their Teeth, And There Were Sounds So Horrible That I Cannot Repeat Them To You, Or You Would Flee From This Room In Horror!

Anybody Who Likes Writing A Book Is An Idiot. Because It's Impossible; It's Like Having A Homework Assignment Every Stinking Day Until It's Done. And By The Time You Get It In, It's Done And You're Sitting There Reading It, And You Realize The 12,000 Things You Didn't Do. I Mean, Writing Isn't Fun. It's Never Been Fun.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

One Of The Interesting Things About Comedy Is It's Tension Release, And Nothing Creates Tension Faster Than Anger.

I Have N'sync And Aerosmith And Britney Spears. I Have A Trifecta From Hell.

I Went To New Zealand This Year, And, Whew Man, I Know A Lot Of People Want To Go There. But Let Me Just Tell You, It's 22 Hours By Plane. So, If You Have The Opportunity, Don't.

What Makes It Difficult For People Trying To Follow A Dream Is That The Whole Time You Feel Like You're Slamming Your Head Against The Wall. So It's Nice To Make A Breakthrough And Not Kind Of Lying There With Your Head Bleeding.

Everybody's Got Cable.

If Somebody Tries To Tell Me The Earth Was Created In 7 Days I Take A Fossil And Say "fossil". If He Still Won't Shut Up I Throw It At Him.

If You Yell About One Woman, You're Not A Misogynist. If I Yell About Michelle Bachman, That Doesn't Make Me A Misogynist. If I Compare All Women To Michelle Bachman, Then I'm A Misogynist.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

In A Series Of Wonderful Essays, Evan Handler Gives Himself Up To Us - Warts And All. To Our Amusement And Bemusement We Share In His Emotional Growth As He Struggles To Mature. I Not Only Laughed Along With Him But Felt That I Too Had Grown A Little Along The Way. Who Could Ask For More?

Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler.

The People We Elect Aren't Bipartisan. The American Public Is Bipartisan.

I Think You Have To [vote] And The Reason You Have To Go Vote Is An Important One, And That Is Because The Day You Vote Is The Day That You Will Feel The Most Ineffectual You Will Feel All Year.

In New York, F*** Isn't Even A Word. It's A Comma.

Behind Me, I Heard A Young Woman Of 25 Say, "if It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College." Now, I'm Gonna Repeat That, Because It Bears Repeating. "if It Weren't For My Horse..." As In, Giddyup, Giddyup, Let's Go — "i Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College," Which Is A Degree-granting Institution. Don't Think About That Too Long, Or Blood Will Shoot Out Your Nose!

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.

My Parents Were Married For Sixty-five Years, And I Was Married For About Ten Minutes, My First Year At Yale Drama School. Something, Somehow, Didn't Get Passed On To My Generation.

There's A Whole Group Of Christians Who Believe The Individual Is More Important, But In The End I Don't Think That's What Christ Was Talking About.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.

If You Want To Get An Audience Quiet, Just Say "abortion" And Everybody Shuts Up And The Tension In The Room Is Spectacular.

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

Guarantees That

I Had To Watch The Republican Stuff Which Makes Me Feel Even Older Than I Am. By The Time I Get Through The Democrats, I May Be Dead. I Don't Know How Much Older I Can Get.

Whenever Someone Says They Believe The Earth Was Created In 7 Days, I Grab A Fossil And Say, Fossil. And If They Keep Talking, I Throw It Just Over Their Heads.

In Vegas, You Have An Audience You Can't Find Anywhere Else. It's From All Over The Country. You Play Seattle, Everyone's From Seattle. But In Vegas, You Have Six From Seattle, A Bunch From L.a., Some Local Las Vegans And Maybe A Farmer From Iowa. In Vegas, You Learn The Ins And Outs Of Holding A Room Because Of That Great Spectrum Of Folks.

Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

Nobody In College Races Home And Says, 'i Can't Wait To See The News! I Can't Wait To See Who Cbs Is Going To Hire!'

You Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

My Father Painted, Well Into His 80s, What He Called Hard Edge Abstractions. It's Really Cool.

Then There Was The Man Who Declared In Court, He Wasn't A Person. "excuse Me, Sir, Why Haven't You Paid Your Taxes." "well, As You Can Clearly See, I Am Not A Person." "well, You Look Like A Person." "no It's All Done With Mirrors, Trust Me!"

If I Wanted To Be Bored By 6,000 Pages Of Unreadable Dreck, I'd Read War And Peace Four Times.

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If You Don't Drink 56 Bottles Of Water A Week, Scientists Say You Should Take A Garden Hose At The End Of The Week And Shove It Up Your Ass.

I Like My Friends Because They Make Me Feel Normal, Even Though I'm Not.

I Continue To Work On Plays, But I've Always Felt That You Could Put A Note In A Bottle And Send It Offshore, And You'd Have As Much Chance Communicating With People.

"equestrian", By The By, Is The Gayest Word In The English Language. In Fact, I Thought Brokeback Mountain Should Have Been Called Two Equestrians.

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What Is The Difference Between A Democrat And A Republican? A Democrat Blows, A Republican Sucks.

Republicans Have Nothing But Bad Ideas And Democrats Have No Ideas.

In My Lifetime, We've Gone From Eisenhower To George W. Bush. We've Gone From John F. Kennedy To Al Gore. If This Is Evolution, I Believe That In Twelve Years, We'll Be Voting For Plants.

I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

You Want To Know What It's Like To Be On A Plane For 22 Hours? Sit In A Chair, Squeeze Your Head As Hard As You Can, Don't Stop, Then Take A Paper Bag And Put It Over Your Mouth And Nose And Breath Your Own Air Over And Over And Over.

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

I Started Playing Golf When I Was A Kid, Because Across The Street From Where We Lived There Was A Little Nine-hole Golf Course Where My Father Worked.

Now, They Say That New Zealand Is Beautiful And I Do Not Know -- Because After 22 Hours On A Plane Any Landmass Would Be Beautiful.

These People [the Christians] Watched The Flintstones As If It Were A Documentary.

I Never Thought That Bill Clinton Should Be The President. When He Was Running To Be The President Of The United States, He Said On Over A Hundred Occasions, He Said The Following: He Said, 'one Of The Great Accomplishments While I Was The Governor Of Arkansas, Was To Take My State In Education From 50th To 49th.' And I Thought, ' You Know, Bill, You Should Keep That A Secret.

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

A Lot Of The Times I'm Looking At Something That I Discover Is Part Of A Larger Framework And Not Just A Couple Jokes. I See That It's A Set, A Story That I'll Be Telling. Sometimes I Get Lost In That.

He Smiles So Much, I Don't Think He Has A Central Nervous System.

The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

I Had An Iphone And A Droid And Both Of Them Were Miserable Pieces Of Equipment.

Stand-up Is The Only Thing In Which You Actually Write It, Act It And Direct It Simultaneously, So It's Actually A Great Theater Exercise.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

I've Got Stuff About Airline Mergers, Which Just Shows That My Stand-up Is Getting More Insane By The Minute.

People Would Be A Lot Better Off If They'd Enjoy Being Single.

I Do Have Certain Feelings. My Feeling Is That Whoever Is In Charge, I Want Him Out.

For A While, I Thought The Great Disappointment Of My Life Was That I Don't Have A Family Of My Own. Then It Dawned On Me: That's Not What I Think; That's What Married People Think.

Sometimes I Wonder Does God Just Not Care Are Is He To Busy Ignoring Your Prayers

Valentine's Day: The Holiday That Reminds You That If You Don't Have A Special Someone, You're Alone.

Funny Valentines Day

Everybody's Always Asking Me About My Blood Pressure. They Did An Interview Once Where They Hooked Me Up To A Blood Pressure Machine And They'd Rile Me. I'd Yell And Scream, And Then It Would Just Go Back To Normal In A Few Minutes. Everything Else Is Probably Rotting, But The Blood Pressure Is Spectacular.

If You're Working Out In Front Of A Mirror And Watching Your Muscles Grow, Your Ego Has Reached A Point Where It Is Now Eating Itself. That's Why I Believe There Should Be A Psychiatrist At Every Health Club, So That When They See You Doing This, They Will Take You Away For A Little Chat.

Since There Are So Many Idiots Out There, You May Actually Start To Think You're Crazy. You Are Not. They Are Idiots.

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

In Four Days, I Experienced Five Seasons. It Was Thirty, It Was Sixty, It Was Ninety, Then It Was Twelve! And On The Last Day, There Was Thunder, Lightning, And Snow - Together! And I Hadn't Done Drugs.

Most Of The Longer-term Relationships I've Known Have Been Gay Relationships. They Seem To Be Able To Hang Out Longer.

Every Time I Use An App, Part Of My Brain Dies! We'll Get To The Point Where We Go To Bed And Wonder: 'did I Have A Thought Today?' You'll Have To Go To Your 'thought' App!

I Really Wanted To Talk About The War On Terror And Say That Both Sides Were Completely Incompetent [in Addressing It]. You Can't Blame The Other Side When You're Involved In It.

If You're Seeing A Psychiatrist, You're Wasting Money Because All You've Got To Do Is Get On A Plane, Get On A Subway Tomorrow And, Inevitably, You're Going To Be Seated In Front Of Some Guy Who's Playing With Himself, And He'll Be Singing, 'happy Days Are Here Again.' I Tell You - When I See That Guy, I Feel Pretty Good About Myself.

I Think That I Don't Panic As Much As The Folks On The Left Or The Right Do. I Don't Have That Sense Of Panic.

My Review Of 2001, The Year, Is The Same As My Review Of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It Went On Too Long, It Was Hard To Follow, And You Could Only Enjoy It If You Were Really, Really, *really* Stoned.

We Have A Two-party System: The Democratic Party, Which Is A Party Of No Ideas, And The Republican Party, Which Is A Party Of Bad Ideas.

Everyone Of You Has A Health That Is Unique And Totally Different From Everybody Else. Completely! Because We... Are All Like Snowflakes.

It's 'six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, Except There's Just One Degree, And Kevin Bacon Is Hitler. Can I Play? Let's See. Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler!

I Do Like Guinness, I Have To Say, Because You Feel Like You're Eating Something.

Every Other Civilized Country Has Determined When Life Begins And It's Something That Eludes Us. We've Got Things That Have To Be Done! "we Didn't Fix That Bridge Because You Are All Down At The Meeting House Discussing Abortion Again."

When A Country Wants Television More Than They Want Clean Water, They've Lost Their Grip.

Basically I Wake Up In The Morning And I Think Everything's Going To Be Great. I'm Really Kind Of Optimistic, And I Look Forward To A New Day. I Pick Up 'the New York Times,' And I Look At The Front Page And Realize That Once Again I'm Wrong. I Start To Fixate On Stuff.

There's No Reason To Tweet When You Are In The Midst Of A Great Moment; They Are Few And Far Between. So Pay Attention To It, As You Probably Won't See It Again. You Can Always Tweet Later, If You're Lucky Enough To Be Part Of History And You Think 140 Characters Can Do Credit To Someone Like Martin Luther King Or To The Speech He Made That Day.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head. I Love Music Because It's Really Just - I Tried To Play Piano As A Kid. I Was Awful. It Didn't Help, And This Is Absolutely True, That My Piano Teacher Had Arthritis. And That's Not A Good Way To Learn.

This Is How Sad My Life Is: I Got A Scar From Scratching My Chicken Pox Too Much. That's My Big Scar Story. I Really Have No Major Scars.

The Thing That Makes My Generation The Greatest Is Our Ability To Hang Out. We're Spectacular At It. If You Take Somebody From My Generation And Sit Them On A Couch And Bring Them Food And Plumbing, They'll Sit There And Talk To You About Anything You Want Until The Day You Die.

Republicans And Democrats Can Barely Do What They're Supposed To Do, And They Sure Can't Do Math!

I Believe That Summer Is Our Time, A Time For The People, And That No Politician Should Be Allowed To Speak To Us During The Summer. They Can Start Talking Again After Labor Day.

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

None Of This Seems To Affect The Leadership, That People Don't Go Out To Vote, That They Don't Feel The Need To Go Vote, That They Already Feel Disenfranchised. It's Not Just Obama's Fault Or Clinton's Or Whomever's, It's All Of Them, The Whole Collection Of Clowns I've Had To Sit Through.

The One Thing I Think We Learned This Year Is That The Democrats And The Republicans Are Completely Worthless.

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity. And I Think That's The Reason My Act Has Become More Political. I've Become Somewhat More Of A Political Comic Because The Level Of Stupidity I've Watched Is Staggering.

Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

When You're Fund-raising For Schools, Then Something's Wrong. We Seem To Have Lost Some Sort Of Sense Of What The Common Good Is, And If You Don't Have A Sense Of What The Common Good Is, Then At Least Give To What You Think Your Specific Goods Are.

The Droid I Had Actually Seemed To Have Free Will, Which I Thought Was Interesting.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head.

Who Knew That The Devil Had A Factory Where He Made Millions Of Fossils, Which His Minions Distributed Throughout The Earth, In Order To Confuse My Tiny Brain?

This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

On The Plane Was A Time Magazine And There Was A 30 Page Article On Diabetes, And I Read Every Page. By The Time That Plane Landed, I Had Diabetes.

You Got To Be Just Stupid To Not Be Focused On Alternative Energy.

When I Was A Kid, You Ate, And You Drank, And You Passed Out And Nobody Woke You Up And Said, 'let's Go Shopping.

Pursue Whatever It Is That You Want To Do With Your Life. It Is The Only Secret To Happiness That I Know Except For Maybe True Love, That And Maybe Having The Amazing Health Insurance Plan That Our Congressmen Have.

It Took Forever For Me To Get Work Because I Was A Political Comic, And Now It's Become Good Business, And God Knows How Long That'll Last. You Have To Do It Night After Night After Night To Kind Of Make It. I Still Find Myself On 'piers Morgan' Or On Some Show And I Think, 'i Hope This Is Funny.'

Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

Saying That The Palestinian People Aren't Really A People - That's Not A Zany Thing To Say. That's A Psychotic Thing To Say In The Midst Of All Of The Politics We Live Through On A Daily Basis.

And I Know This Happens Because I Took Economics, And I'd Explain It To Ya, But I Flunked That Course. Not My Fault. They Taught It At 8 O'clock In The Morning. And There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bloodshot Eye.

In Canada I'm Not Dealing With People Who Are Bringing In Baggage, They Just Get It. But New Orleans Will Be A Bit Different. If There's A Group Of People Who Have A Right To Be Bitter, It's The People Of New Orleans.

Earth Day Was Created Because We Were Doing A Lot Of Drugs, More Drugs Than You Could Ever F@*! Imagine. And So We Came Up With Earth Day, So We'd Have One Day That Would Remind Us What Planet We Were Living On.

One Of The Most Important Things, Especially When You're Leaving School, Is To Realize You're Going To Be Dealing With A Lot Of Idiots. And A Lot Of Those Idiots Are In Charge Of Things, So If You're In An Interview And You Really Want To Tell The Person Off, Don't Do It.

There Should Be A Law That You Can't Shut Down The Government - That You Don't Have That Power.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

I Knew That I'd Lived In New York Too Long When, A Few Years Ago, I Was On A Subway Going Downtown, And It Stopped At 14th Street. At The Station, The Doors Opened, And The Conductor Announced That There Was A Bomb On Board And We Should Evacuate Immediately. Nobody Moved. We Just Looked At Each Other, 'do You See A Bomb?' 'i Don't See A Bomb.' 'there's No Bomb.' 'i've Only Got Two Stops - Let's Go For It.

I Would Like To Play Pebble Beach At Some Point. I Keep Waiting For Them To Call And Ask Me To That Little Pro-am Thing, But I'm Not Big Enough.

It's Absolutely Stupid That We Live Without An Ozone Layer. We Have Men, We've Got Rockets, We've Got Saran Wrap - Fix It!

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

North Korea Is The Country That The Monkeys In The Wizard Of Oz Came From.

My Father Worked At The Naval Ordnance Lab, And They Had A Nine-hole Course On The Property. You Paid A Quarter.

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

Just Relax And Breathe Through Your Ass.

You're On Facebook, And These People Seem To Have Endless Lives. I Don't Have Time To Live My Life, Let Alone Tell You What I'm Doing, Or Post A Photo.

I'm Constantly In Fear Of Having A Stroke.

The Only Thing Dumber Than A Democrat Or A Republican Is When Those Pricks Work Together. You See, In Our Two-party System, The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas And The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. It Usually Goes Something Like This. A Republican Will Stand Up In Congress And Say, 'i've Got A Really Bad Idea.' And A Democrat Will Immediately Jump To His Feet And Declare, 'and I Can Make It Sh*ttier.'

Democrats Should Be Focused On Which Way We Can Help The Most People In This Country, And Republicans Should Be Focused On How To Do That In The Most Fiscally Responsible Manner Possible.

We Are All Shitty Little Snowflakes Dancing In The Universe.

I Can Be Drunk Until 6 In The Morning, And Then I Don't Have To Show Up To Work Until 14 Hours Later.

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.

It Was The Coldest Winter Ever! I Thought Last Winter Was The Coldest Winter Ever, But I Was Wrong Now Wasn't I? You See Because I Travel All The Time. So Last Winter, I'd Be In The Midwest, And The Blizzard Would Hit. And Then I'd Fly Home, And The Blizzard Would Hit Again!

The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

Americans Continue To Rapidly Homogenize Ourselves Into A Neutered Oblivion. For A Country Founded On The Protection Of The Unique, We Relish Our Sameness.

The Whole Valentine's Thing Is Fine, But You Don't Back It Up Right Next To The Biggest Gift-giving Holiday Of The Year. Unbelievable. And We Find It Acceptable.

It's A Big Thing Now: A Lot Of People Want To Be Assistants To Celebrities. If You're Pursuing That, You're An Idiot. You're A Moron. The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not A Celebrity, Or Being Next To A Celebrity.

Here's Why I Think There's Something A Little Odd With George Bush. Because A Lot Of The Times When He Speaks, His Words Don't Match His Face. Something Is Askew. You Can't Talk About The War With A Smile On Your Face. He Does It Constantly. If You're The President, You Should Go We're Going To Talk About The War, I Must Have A Frowny Face. The Only Time You Can Smile When You're Talking About The War In Iraq Is When You Go, Well, Two Iraqis Walk Into A Bar, Hahaha.

Self-love Is A Big Part Of Golf.

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

You Know What Would Help The Instruction Form? Verbs! Verbs Would Be Nice! Because They Help You Get To The End Of A Thought!

You Look At My Audience, And It Proves What Congress Thinks America Is, Is Wrong. I Get People Across The Political Spectrum. Parents And Kids Come And They're All Punked Out, And There Are These Other Guys In John Deere Caps.

Stupid Presidents, Smart Presidents, White Presidents, Black Presidents - Doesn't Work! What This Country Needs Is A Crazy Third World Dictator. And Donald Trump Has What It Takes To Be That. He's Already Got A Plane With His Name On It, Solid Gold Buildings, A Harem...

Online, There's No Time. It's Always Christmas.

When I'm Funny Is When I'm Angriest.

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity.

Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

I Was Home Alone Watching George Bush Speak On Television. So It Was Just Really The Two Of Us. And As I Listened To Him, I Realized, That One Of Us... Was Nuts! And For The First Time Ever, I Went, 'wow, It's Not Me!'

I Had More Material On Weather Than Anyone Else, I Guess, ... Back When I Was Traveling A Lot On The Road As A Standup Comic, Between Airport Security And The Weather... I Just Wanted To Be Prepared For Sitting In The Airport.

When People Come To My Act Any Time After Thanksgiving, I Usually Say, You Shouldn't Be Here. You Should Be Shopping. Our Economy Depends On You! You Should Be Out There Buying Stuff.'

As Psychotic As It Gets Outside, The Comic Can Be More Psychotic.

You Don't Want Another Enron? Here's Your Law: If A Company, Can't Explain, In One Sentence, What It Does... It's Illegal.

I'm Always Amazed When I Hear People Saying, "that George Bush, He's A Great Leader". And I Wonder, Where Can One Find A Drug That Would Make One So Delusional?

There's No Such Thing As Soy Milk. It's Soy Juice.

When We Anticipate, We're The Happiest. Unless You're On Antidepressants. The Reason You Take Antidepressants Is Because You Can't Anticipate. You Think Everything's Going To Be Horrible, So It Usually Is.

The Reason I Like Socialism Is That It's Kind Of Enforced Christianity. It's Basically Very Christian, In The Sense Of "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You." These People Have Nothing, So You Have To Share.

The Fear Of Health Care Changing Is Beyond Belief. Like There's A Way To Make The System Worse. Really?

We Have Fossils... We Win!

I Hammer On A Theme Until I'm Tired Of It And The Audience Is Tired Of It.

The Kids Say Golf Taught Them This And That. I Get It With The Military: A Guy Joins The Military Because He Needs Discipline And Has To Find Himself. But Don't Tell Me, 'golf Helps You Find Yourself.' I've Been Playing My Whole Life, And I'm Still Looking For Myself.

Now, Most Of The Time You Couldn't Be Too Sure Of The Quality Of The Drug. Although, In My Experience The Stuff Was Always Of A Very High Quality, Because Back Then We Didn't Have Business Majors Peddling Lower-quality Stuff In An Effort To Increase Profits.

I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

One Thing I Know About The Rich, Being Rich, Is That You Can Take Money From Me And Tomorrow, I'm Still Going To Be Rich.

I Don't Tweet A Lot Because I've Tweeted Things That I Thought Were Really Innocuous About Subjects That Are Inflammatory, And The Response Is So Insane Sometimes From People.

Democrats Are Dumb And Republicans Are Stupid, But The Difference Between Dumb And Stupid Is Dumb Isn't Funny. Dumb Is When You Say Something And The Whole Room Goes, 'what Did He Say?'

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

This Book Is Dedicated To All Of My Friends Who Helped Me Get To Where I Am Today - You Know Who You Are... And When I Find You I Am Going To Kill You.

If You Really Think There's A Santa, Why Don't You Sit On The Front Steps All Night In The Freezing Cold And See If He Climbs Down Any Chimneys Tonight. Good Luck. And Since We're A Family That Isn't Lucky Enough To Have A Chimney, How Would Santa Get Into Our House? Does He Bring A Locksmith With Him? And It Probably Would Have To Be A Jewish Locksmith, Because A Christian Locksmith Is Going To Want To Be Home With His Family. And How Many Jewish Locksmiths Are There? None.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

It's 2003. Why Can't I Teleport?

I've Always Really Liked Theater. It Fascinated Me. You Can Create A Reality And Get People Involved In That Reality. It Takes Place In Real Time.

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Laurieann Gibson

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