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Here's Why I Think There's Something A Little Odd With George Bush. Because A Lot Of The Times When He Speaks, His Words Don't Match His Face. Something Is Askew. You Can't Talk About The War With A Smile On Your Face. He Does It Constantly. If You're The President, You Should Go We're Going To Talk About The War, I Must Have A Frowny Face. The Only Time You Can Smile When You're Talking About The War In Iraq Is When You Go, Well, Two Iraqis Walk Into A Bar, Hahaha.

-Lewis Black

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Here's Why I Think

Lewis Black

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Here's Why I Think There's Something A Little Odd With George Bush. Because A Lot Of The Times When He Speaks, His Words Don't Match His Face. Something Is Askew. You Can't Talk About The War With A Smile On Your Face. He Does It Constantly. If You're The President, You Should Go We're Going To Talk About The War, I Must Have A Frowny Face. The Only Time You Can Smile When You're Talking About The War In Iraq Is When You Go, Well, Two Iraqis Walk Into A Bar, Hahaha.

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I Like College Football, But I'm A Huge College Basketball Fan. I Could Sit And Watch Every Game Of March Madness And Be Happy. That Could Be A Vacation.

I Continue To Work On Plays, But I've Always Felt That You Could Put A Note In A Bottle And Send It Offshore, And You'd Have As Much Chance Communicating With People.

I'd Like The Campaigning To Be About All The Things They're Not Going To Do. Just Tell Me What You're Not Going Do! Don't Tell Me What You're Going To Do. Just Say "i'd Really Like To Do Solar Energy But I'm Not Going To Be Able To. I Really Want To Dig Holes Everywhere In The Country But I Really Won't Be Able To Do It Because People Seem To Think That Maybe My Water Will Be Screwed Up."

Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

My Parents Are The Last Of The Middle Class. My Father Worked For The Government Designing Sea Mines. My Mother Was A Substitute Teacher. Together, They Worked Really Only Until They Were Sixty.

Johnny Vassilaros Is The Man Who Has Created The Finest Cup Of Coffee Ever Served In The City Of New York.

No Matter What, Your Parents Are Going To Worry About You. I Had A Tour Bus And My Mother Still Thought I Was Broke. Remember: It's Your Life, Not Theirs. Just Because Your Parents Sent You To College Doesn't Mean They Bought The Rest Of Your Life.

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

Online, There's No Time. It's Always Christmas.

There's No Such Thing As Soy Milk. It's Soy Juice.

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

Everyone Of You Has A Health That Is Unique And Totally Different From Everybody Else. Completely! Because We... Are All Like Snowflakes.

In Canada I'm Not Dealing With People Who Are Bringing In Baggage, They Just Get It. But New Orleans Will Be A Bit Different. If There's A Group Of People Who Have A Right To Be Bitter, It's The People Of New Orleans.

Self-love Is A Big Part Of Golf.

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

Fema I Always Thought Was A Bone Here In Your Ass.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

It's A Privilege To Pay Taxes. Yeah! It's Not A Political Question, Folks. We Have To Pay For Stuff.

We Have Fossils... We Win!

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

It's Absolutely Stupid That We Live Without An Ozone Layer. We Have Men, We've Got Rockets, We've Got Saran Wrap - Fix It!

I Think You Have To [vote] And The Reason You Have To Go Vote Is An Important One, And That Is Because The Day You Vote Is The Day That You Will Feel The Most Ineffectual You Will Feel All Year.

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

I Started Playing Golf When I Was A Kid, Because Across The Street From Where We Lived There Was A Little Nine-hole Golf Course Where My Father Worked.

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John W. Gardner

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