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I've Got Stress Like Anybody Else, And It Builds Up During The Day. Like, I'll Be Trying To Do Something On The Computer, And I'll Get Stuck ,so I Go To The Help Section. And It Just Enrages Me, Because Why Even Call It A Help Section At All? There's Nothing In Any Way 'helpful' About It.

-Lewis Black

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I've Got Stress Like

Lewis Black

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I've Got Stress Like Anybody Else, And It Builds Up During The Day. Like, I'll Be Trying To Do Something On The Computer, And I'll Get Stuck ,so I Go To The Help Section. And It Just Enrages Me, Because Why Even Call It A Help Section At All? There's Nothing In Any Way 'helpful' About It.

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Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler.

Everybody's Got Cable.

Everybody's Family Has Different Values.

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Being A Playwright Is Like The Equivalent Of Doing A Jigsaw Puzzle That Has 1,500 Pieces, And It's A Jigsaw Of A Blue Sky. Not A Cloud In Sight.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head.

When From Behind Me, A Young Woman Of 25 Uttered The Following, It Was The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Heard In My Life Until Dan Quayle Was Elected Vice President Of The United States. She Said, If It Weren't For My Horse, I Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College.

It's A Big Thing Now: A Lot Of People Want To Be Assistants To Celebrities. If You're Pursuing That, You're An Idiot. You're A Moron. The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not A Celebrity, Or Being Next To A Celebrity.

My Father Worked At The Naval Ordnance Lab, And They Had A Nine-hole Course On The Property. You Paid A Quarter.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

Going Up To Canada Is Great Because I'm Not Dealing With People Carrying Their Agendas Into The Room. I'm Lucky Because 97% Of The People Who Come To The Show Know Who They Are Dealing With, Whether They Are On The Left Or The Right, We're Sharing The Same Frustration.

Everyone Of You Has A Health That Is Unique And Totally Different From Everybody Else. Completely! Because We... Are All Like Snowflakes.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

They've Gotta Stop Reporting Wind Chill. That's Nonsense. It Really Is. I Don't Know Where They Came Up With It, Why They Came Up With It, But It's A Lie. They Come On, "well, It's 27 Degrees Today, But With The Wind Chill, It's Minus 3." Well, Then It's Minus 3, Asshole! I Don't Need To Know What The Weather Was Like If The Conditions Were Perfect!

The Kids Say Golf Taught Them This And That. I Get It With The Military: A Guy Joins The Military Because He Needs Discipline And Has To Find Himself. But Don't Tell Me, 'golf Helps You Find Yourself.' I've Been Playing My Whole Life, And I'm Still Looking For Myself.

A Republican Stands Up In Congress And Says 'i Got A Really Bad Idea!!' And The Democrat Stands Up After Him And Says 'and I Can Make It Shittier!!

Elected Officials Shouldn’t Get To Choose Who Gets To Choose Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

Online, There's No Time. It's Always Christmas.

I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

The Fine Line That You Do When You Do Political Comedy Is, As Long As You Have That Laugh, You're Fine.

Americans Continue To Rapidly Homogenize Ourselves Into A Neutered Oblivion. For A Country Founded On The Protection Of The Unique, We Relish Our Sameness.

It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On Cognitive Dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance

I Can Pretty Much Guarantee That If I Do A Show In A Comedy Club, There Will Be Someone Who Will Come Out Of The Audience And Tell Me The Worst Joke Ever. It's Just A Guarantee.

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How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

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And I Know This Happens Because I Took Economics, And I'd Explain It To Ya, But I Flunked That Course. Not My Fault. They Taught It At 8 O'clock In The Morning. And There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bloodshot Eye.

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

I Went To New Zealand This Year, And, Whew Man, I Know A Lot Of People Want To Go There. But Let Me Just Tell You, It's 22 Hours By Plane. So, If You Have The Opportunity, Don't.

Donald Trump Came Out As A Birther, Which Is Republican For, 'i'm Running For President.'

I Think Comics In New York Are Interested In Being Comics. And There're Comics In L.a. Who Are Touring Comics, Who Are Certainly More Interested In Stand-up, But A Lot Of L.a. Stand-ups Are Really Looking To Do Something Else.

I Am Angry That The Democrats Don't Have The Ability To Explain To Republicans That We Should Be Able To Feed People In This Country, And That Is Not Socialism.

Stupid Presidents, Smart Presidents, White Presidents, Black Presidents - Doesn't Work! What This Country Needs Is A Crazy Third World Dictator. And Donald Trump Has What It Takes To Be That. He's Already Got A Plane With His Name On It, Solid Gold Buildings, A Harem...

That's The Funny Thing About Religion: It Doesn't Matter What You Say, You're Going To Upset Someone.

The People We Elect Aren't Bipartisan. The American Public Is Bipartisan.

One Of The Most Important Things, Especially When You're Leaving School, Is To Realize You're Going To Be Dealing With A Lot Of Idiots. And A Lot Of Those Idiots Are In Charge Of Things, So If You're In An Interview And You Really Want To Tell The Person Off, Don't Do It.

The Reason I Like Socialism Is That It's Kind Of Enforced Christianity. It's Basically Very Christian, In The Sense Of "do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You." These People Have Nothing, So You Have To Share.

I Continue To Work On Plays, But I've Always Felt That You Could Put A Note In A Bottle And Send It Offshore, And You'd Have As Much Chance Communicating With People.

My Parents Were Married For Sixty-five Years, And I Was Married For About Ten Minutes, My First Year At Yale Drama School. Something, Somehow, Didn't Get Passed On To My Generation.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

You Realize That For All The Shenanigans That Go On In The Big Circus Of Politics, Everybody Wakes Up And Goes To Work.

For A While, I Thought The Great Disappointment Of My Life Was That I Don't Have A Family Of My Own. Then It Dawned On Me: That's Not What I Think; That's What Married People Think.

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

The One Thing I Think We Learned This Year Is That The Democrats And The Republicans Are Completely Worthless.

Well First Of All, I'd Just Like To Say That 2005 Was A Great Year, If You Like Swimming Through Crap.

People Would Be A Lot Better Off If They'd Enjoy Being Single.

My Review Of 2001, The Year, Is The Same As My Review Of 2001: A Space Odyssey. It Went On Too Long, It Was Hard To Follow, And You Could Only Enjoy It If You Were Really, Really, *really* Stoned.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

A Lot Of The Times I'm Looking At Something That I Discover Is Part Of A Larger Framework And Not Just A Couple Jokes. I See That It's A Set, A Story That I'll Be Telling. Sometimes I Get Lost In That.

The Last Person To Get Across That Town In Under Three Hours Was Yelling "the British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"

Wow, You Survived A Blackout. You're Made Of Stronger Stuff Than Ice Cream.

There's No Reason To Tweet When You Are In The Midst Of A Great Moment; They Are Few And Far Between. So Pay Attention To It, As You Probably Won't See It Again. You Can Always Tweet Later, If You're Lucky Enough To Be Part Of History And You Think 140 Characters Can Do Credit To Someone Like Martin Luther King Or To The Speech He Made That Day.

Macs Are Not Intuitive. It's Intuitive To The Person Who Created It. It's Not Intuitive To Me.

Self-love Is A Big Part Of Golf.

It's Absolutely Stupid That We Live Without An Ozone Layer. We Have Men, We've Got Rockets, We've Got Saran Wrap - Fix It!

I Have No Religion Because I Was Born And Raised Jewish. And On The First Night Of Hanukkah, My Parents, When I Was Very Young, Gave Me A Top To Play With. They Called It A Dreidel. I Knew It Was A Top. And As I Looked At That Top, I Said, 'you Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

Saying That The Palestinian People Aren't Really A People - That's Not A Zany Thing To Say. That's A Psychotic Thing To Say In The Midst Of All Of The Politics We Live Through On A Daily Basis.

Parenting Isn't Just Parenting Your Own Child.

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

I've Always Been A Social Network Retard, Even Before There Was A Social Network. People Would Say, "you Want To Go To This Party And Do Some Networking?"

Let Me Be Serious: Divorce Is A Sacred Institution Between A Man And A Woman Who Hate Each Other. God Wanted Adam To Pay Alimony To Eve, Not Steve.

If A Group Of People - Leaders - Can Convince A Group Of Folk Who Barely Have A Pot To Piss In That The Rich Shouldn't Be Taxed-- That Is Leadership!

I Never Thought That Bill Clinton Should Be The President. When He Was Running To Be The President Of The United States, He Said On Over A Hundred Occasions, He Said The Following: He Said, 'one Of The Great Accomplishments While I Was The Governor Of Arkansas, Was To Take My State In Education From 50th To 49th.' And I Thought, ' You Know, Bill, You Should Keep That A Secret.

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The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

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Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

There's No Such Thing As Soy Milk. It's Soy Juice.

These People [the Christians] Watched The Flintstones As If It Were A Documentary.

Republicans And Democrats Can Barely Do What They're Supposed To Do, And They Sure Can't Do Math!

I'm A Happy Person But An Angry Citizen.

If You Don't Drink 56 Bottles Of Water A Week, Scientists Say You Should Take A Garden Hose At The End Of The Week And Shove It Up Your Ass.

I Knew That I'd Lived In New York Too Long When, A Few Years Ago, I Was On A Subway Going Downtown, And It Stopped At 14th Street. At The Station, The Doors Opened, And The Conductor Announced That There Was A Bomb On Board And We Should Evacuate Immediately. Nobody Moved. We Just Looked At Each Other, 'do You See A Bomb?' 'i Don't See A Bomb.' 'there's No Bomb.' 'i've Only Got Two Stops - Let's Go For It.

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I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I Never Have Been.

Here's Why I Think There's Something A Little Odd With George Bush. Because A Lot Of The Times When He Speaks, His Words Don't Match His Face. Something Is Askew. You Can't Talk About The War With A Smile On Your Face. He Does It Constantly. If You're The President, You Should Go We're Going To Talk About The War, I Must Have A Frowny Face. The Only Time You Can Smile When You're Talking About The War In Iraq Is When You Go, Well, Two Iraqis Walk Into A Bar, Hahaha.

There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bllodeshot Eye.

I'm Amazed That Anyone Is Interested In What I Have To Say.

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity.

I Think That I Don't Panic As Much As The Folks On The Left Or The Right Do. I Don't Have That Sense Of Panic.

No Matter What, Your Parents Are Going To Worry About You. I Had A Tour Bus And My Mother Still Thought I Was Broke. Remember: It's Your Life, Not Theirs. Just Because Your Parents Sent You To College Doesn't Mean They Bought The Rest Of Your Life.

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!

I Started Playing Golf When I Was A Kid, Because Across The Street From Where We Lived There Was A Little Nine-hole Golf Course Where My Father Worked.

Jesse Ventura Is Basically Proof That The People Of Minnesota Are Not Social Drinkers... They Are Obviously Alcoholics.

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

Some People Have Religion As A Means Of Solace. But, I Had A Dreidel, So That Was Out.

You Look At My Audience, And It Proves What Congress Thinks America Is, Is Wrong. I Get People Across The Political Spectrum. Parents And Kids Come And They're All Punked Out, And There Are These Other Guys In John Deere Caps.

Basically, I Started On Stage Yelling And I Kept Yelling, And Then I Yelled Some More, And Then I Yelled Even Louder. I'm Modulated Now.

I Don't Understand How Anybody's Still A Democrat Or A Republican. I Don't Know What They're Basing It On.

Everybody's Always Asking Me About My Blood Pressure. They Did An Interview Once Where They Hooked Me Up To A Blood Pressure Machine And They'd Rile Me. I'd Yell And Scream, And Then It Would Just Go Back To Normal In A Few Minutes. Everything Else Is Probably Rotting, But The Blood Pressure Is Spectacular.

I Like Coffee Because It Gives Me The Illusion That I Might Be Awake.

We Have A Two-party System: The Democratic Party, Which Is A Party Of No Ideas, And The Republican Party, Which Is A Party Of Bad Ideas.

I Think Inevitably Over The Course Of My Lifetime There's Been An Underestimation Of The American People, And I Believe They Are Really The Ones That Give Me Hope. There's So Much Of "they Don't Know This, And They Don't Know That," And They're Always Denigrating.

The Whole Valentine's Thing Is Fine, But You Don't Back It Up Right Next To The Biggest Gift-giving Holiday Of The Year. Unbelievable. And We Find It Acceptable.

You Want To Know What It's Like To Be On A Plane For 22 Hours? Sit In A Chair, Squeeze Your Head As Hard As You Can, Don't Stop, Then Take A Paper Bag And Put It Over Your Mouth And Nose And Breath Your Own Air Over And Over And Over.

Pursue Whatever It Is That You Want To Do With Your Life. It Is The Only Secret To Happiness That I Know Except For Maybe True Love, That And Maybe Having The Amazing Health Insurance Plan That Our Congressmen Have.

If You're Seeing A Psychiatrist, You're Wasting Money Because All You've Got To Do Is Get On A Plane, Get On A Subway Tomorrow And, Inevitably, You're Going To Be Seated In Front Of Some Guy Who's Playing With Himself, And He'll Be Singing, 'happy Days Are Here Again.' I Tell You - When I See That Guy, I Feel Pretty Good About Myself.

Republicans Have Nothing But Bad Ideas And Democrats Have No Ideas.

One Thing I Know About The Rich, Being Rich, Is That You Can Take Money From Me And Tomorrow, I'm Still Going To Be Rich.

The Fear Of Health Care Changing Is Beyond Belief. Like There's A Way To Make The System Worse. Really?

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

As Psychotic As It Gets Outside, The Comic Can Be More Psychotic.

Now, They Say That New Zealand Is Beautiful And I Do Not Know -- Because After 22 Hours On A Plane Any Landmass Would Be Beautiful.

When You're Fund-raising For Schools, Then Something's Wrong. We Seem To Have Lost Some Sort Of Sense Of What The Common Good Is, And If You Don't Have A Sense Of What The Common Good Is, Then At Least Give To What You Think Your Specific Goods Are.

Apparently There Is No Profit In The Unique, Or Not Enough To Make It Worthwhile To Preserve. Ultimately It Drains The Life Out Of Us, And Existentialism Starts To Make More And More Sense.

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing.

I Like My Friends Because They Make Me Feel Normal, Even Though I'm Not.

Valentine's Day: The Holiday That Reminds You That If You Don't Have A Special Someone, You're Alone.

Funny Valentines Day

Nyquil Comes In Two Colors, Red And Green, And It's The Only Thing On The Planet That Tastes Like Red And Green.

I've Got Stress Like Anybody Else, And It Builds Up During The Day. Like, I'll Be Trying To Do Something On The Computer, And I'll Get Stuck ,so I Go To The Help Section. And It Just Enrages Me, Because Why Even Call It A Help Section At All? There's Nothing In Any Way 'helpful' About It.

In My Lifetime, We've Gone From Eisenhower To George W. Bush. We've Gone From John F. Kennedy To Al Gore. If This Is Evolution, I Believe That In Twelve Years, We'll Be Voting For Plants.

When You Compare Christmas To Hanukkah, There's No Comparison. Christmas Is Great. Hanukkah Sucks! First Night You Get Socks. Second Night, An Eraser, A Notebook. It's A Back-to-school Holiday!

Fema I Always Thought Was A Bone Here In Your Ass.

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head. I Love Music Because It's Really Just - I Tried To Play Piano As A Kid. I Was Awful. It Didn't Help, And This Is Absolutely True, That My Piano Teacher Had Arthritis. And That's Not A Good Way To Learn.

Just Relax And Breathe Through Your Ass.

I Have This Insane Optimistic Streak That The American People Prevail Over The Stupidity That The Leadership Exhibits Time And Time Again, And I Think That's The Truth.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

Should I Eat This Or Should I Eat This? Well, I'll Have To Eat Both!

It's 2003. Why Can't I Teleport?

If You Want To Get An Audience Quiet, Just Say "abortion" And Everybody Shuts Up And The Tension In The Room Is Spectacular.

If You Yell About One Woman, You're Not A Misogynist. If I Yell About Michelle Bachman, That Doesn't Make Me A Misogynist. If I Compare All Women To Michelle Bachman, Then I'm A Misogynist.

Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourettes'.

It Was The Coldest Winter Ever! I Thought Last Winter Was The Coldest Winter Ever, But I Was Wrong Now Wasn't I? You See Because I Travel All The Time. So Last Winter, I'd Be In The Midwest, And The Blizzard Would Hit. And Then I'd Fly Home, And The Blizzard Would Hit Again!

The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

I Would Like To Play Pebble Beach At Some Point. I Keep Waiting For Them To Call And Ask Me To That Little Pro-am Thing, But I'm Not Big Enough.

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

Nobody In College Races Home And Says, 'i Can't Wait To See The News! I Can't Wait To See Who Cbs Is Going To Hire!'

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

What Makes It Difficult For People Trying To Follow A Dream Is That The Whole Time You Feel Like You're Slamming Your Head Against The Wall. So It's Nice To Make A Breakthrough And Not Kind Of Lying There With Your Head Bleeding.

I've Been Very Lucky. There Are Guys I Know Who Are Really Terrific In This Business Of Stand-up Who Have Not Gotten The Recognition They Deserve. And It's Nice, If You've Put In The Time, To Achieve That Recognition.

You Know What Would Help The Instruction Form? Verbs! Verbs Would Be Nice! Because They Help You Get To The End Of A Thought!

The Thing That Makes My Generation The Greatest Is Our Ability To Hang Out. We're Spectacular At It. If You Take Somebody From My Generation And Sit Them On A Couch And Bring Them Food And Plumbing, They'll Sit There And Talk To You About Anything You Want Until The Day You Die.

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

What Is The Difference Between A Democrat And A Republican? A Democrat Blows, A Republican Sucks.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

This Is How Sad My Life Is: I Got A Scar From Scratching My Chicken Pox Too Much. That's My Big Scar Story. I Really Have No Major Scars.

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.

[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

Earth Day Was Created Because We Were Doing A Lot Of Drugs, More Drugs Than You Could Ever F@*! Imagine. And So We Came Up With Earth Day, So We'd Have One Day That Would Remind Us What Planet We Were Living On.

There Are Two Things I Know About Life... Only The Good Die Young But The Real Jerks Will Live Forever.

I've Got Stuff About Airline Mergers, Which Just Shows That My Stand-up Is Getting More Insane By The Minute.

I Have N'sync And Aerosmith And Britney Spears. I Have A Trifecta From Hell.

In Four Days, I Experienced Five Seasons. It Was Thirty, It Was Sixty, It Was Ninety, Then It Was Twelve! And On The Last Day, There Was Thunder, Lightning, And Snow - Together! And I Hadn't Done Drugs.

There Should Be A Law That You Can't Shut Down The Government - That You Don't Have That Power.

It's A Privilege To Pay Taxes. Yeah! It's Not A Political Question, Folks. We Have To Pay For Stuff.

When They Played, It Wasn't Music. It Was The Sound Of Chaos. I Knew It Was The Sound Of Chaos Because You Could Hear Pigs Being Slaughtered. Women Were Weeping And Men Were Gnashing Their Teeth, And There Were Sounds So Horrible That I Cannot Repeat Them To You, Or You Would Flee From This Room In Horror!

You Don't Want Another Enron? Here's Your Law: If A Company, Can't Explain, In One Sentence, What It Does... It's Illegal.

When We Anticipate, We're The Happiest. Unless You're On Antidepressants. The Reason You Take Antidepressants Is Because You Can't Anticipate. You Think Everything's Going To Be Horrible, So It Usually Is.

Political Audiences Are Not Fun.

Basically I Wake Up In The Morning And I Think Everything's Going To Be Great. I'm Really Kind Of Optimistic, And I Look Forward To A New Day. I Pick Up 'the New York Times,' And I Look At The Front Page And Realize That Once Again I'm Wrong. I Start To Fixate On Stuff.

The Droid I Had Actually Seemed To Have Free Will, Which I Thought Was Interesting.

When People Come To My Act Any Time After Thanksgiving, I Usually Say, You Shouldn't Be Here. You Should Be Shopping. Our Economy Depends On You! You Should Be Out There Buying Stuff.'

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

I Believe That Summer Is Our Time, A Time For The People, And That No Politician Should Be Allowed To Speak To Us During The Summer. They Can Start Talking Again After Labor Day.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

In Canada I'm Not Dealing With People Who Are Bringing In Baggage, They Just Get It. But New Orleans Will Be A Bit Different. If There's A Group Of People Who Have A Right To Be Bitter, It's The People Of New Orleans.

North Korea Is The Country That The Monkeys In The Wizard Of Oz Came From.

You're On Facebook, And These People Seem To Have Endless Lives. I Don't Have Time To Live My Life, Let Alone Tell You What I'm Doing, Or Post A Photo.

There Is No Better Moment Than This Moment, When We're Anticipating The Actual Moment Itself. All Of The Moments That Lead Up To The Actual Moment Are Truly The Best Moments. Those Are The Moments That Are Filled With Good Times. Those Are The Moments In Which You Are Able To Think That It Is Going To Be Perfect, When The Moment Actually Happens. But, The Moment Is Reality, And Reality Always Kinda Sucks!

Every Time I Use An App, Part Of My Brain Dies! We'll Get To The Point Where We Go To Bed And Wonder: 'did I Have A Thought Today?' You'll Have To Go To Your 'thought' App!

It's 'six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, Except There's Just One Degree, And Kevin Bacon Is Hitler. Can I Play? Let's See. Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler!

You Are An Adult, And You Can Dress Up Whenever You Want To. You Don't Need Permission Anymore! If You Wake Up Next Tuesday, And You Feel Like Being Batman, Go For It! And Then You Go To Work, And Your Boss Will Look Up And Go "who Are You," And You Can Say: "i Am Batman. That's Who I Am, Who Are You?"

What You Don't Do, If You're An Adult, Is Decide That You're Going To Budget Things Through A Sequester. What Does That Word Have To Do With Budgeting? It's Like If You Have A Family Budget And Go, 'we Really Don't Know What To Take Out Economically From The Budget, So We're Going To Whack Out Protein For This Week.'

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing. No Health Insurance, So If Something Happened I Was Screwed. I Was Lucky My Parents Had Money And My Brother Was Willing To Support Me For A Long Time. Once I Started Doing Standup, I Had An Income, And That Was Amazing To Me.

Christians Have Created A Holiday That Has Become A Beast That Cannot Be Fed. Christmas Gets Longer And Longer And Longer, And You Don't Care, Do You? You Just Take More And More Of The Calendar For Yourself. It's Unbelievable. How Long Does It Take You People To Shop? It's Beyond Belief. It's Insane. When I Was A Kid, Halloween Was Halloween, And Santa Wasn't Poking His Ass Into It.

Johnny Vassilaros Is The Man Who Has Created The Finest Cup Of Coffee Ever Served In The City Of New York.

I Really Wanted To Talk About The War On Terror And Say That Both Sides Were Completely Incompetent [in Addressing It]. You Can't Blame The Other Side When You're Involved In It.

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

If I Get A Week Off, I'll Go To A Hotel That Has A Golf Course. I Like To Come Downstairs And Go Right Onto The Course. I'll Do That Five Days In A Row.

If Somebody Tries To Tell Me The Earth Was Created In 7 Days I Take A Fossil And Say "fossil". If He Still Won't Shut Up I Throw It At Him.

I Don't Tweet A Lot Because I've Tweeted Things That I Thought Were Really Innocuous About Subjects That Are Inflammatory, And The Response Is So Insane Sometimes From People.

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

Democrats Are Dumb And Republicans Are Stupid, But The Difference Between Dumb And Stupid Is Dumb Isn't Funny. Dumb Is When You Say Something And The Whole Room Goes, 'what Did He Say?'

"equestrian", By The By, Is The Gayest Word In The English Language. In Fact, I Thought Brokeback Mountain Should Have Been Called Two Equestrians.

Brokeback Mountain

I Think That Many Things That Go On In An Art School Have A Tendency To Undermine Confidence, And That Shouldn't Be Part Of The Ballgame, Ever.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

I Have Never Thought Of My Entertainment As Being Able To Bring About Social Change. I Am Seriously Always Looking For The Laugh. What It Did Make Me Conscious Of Was Having Empathy For Those Without Any Power In This Country. That Has Always Stuck With Me.

I Don't Know If Watching Chaz Bono Will Turn Your Kids Into Transsexuals, But I'm Pretty Sure That Letting Them Watch Keith Ablow Will Turn Them Into Assholes

Then There Was The Man Who Declared In Court, He Wasn't A Person. "excuse Me, Sir, Why Haven't You Paid Your Taxes." "well, As You Can Clearly See, I Am Not A Person." "well, You Look Like A Person." "no It's All Done With Mirrors, Trust Me!"

The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

This Book Is Dedicated To All Of My Friends Who Helped Me Get To Where I Am Today - You Know Who You Are... And When I Find You I Am Going To Kill You.

How Long Can We Go Without Real Leadership? It's Like An Experiment. It's [a Problem With] Both Parties, It's Beyond Belief.

There's A Whole Group Of Christians Who Believe The Individual Is More Important, But In The End I Don't Think That's What Christ Was Talking About.

Every Other Civilized Country Has Determined When Life Begins And It's Something That Eludes Us. We've Got Things That Have To Be Done! "we Didn't Fix That Bridge Because You Are All Down At The Meeting House Discussing Abortion Again."

It's Great That We're Bringing Democracy To Iraq. I Can't Wait To See How We Do It! What Are We Gonna Do, Give Them Our Civics Textbooks?

Democrats Should Be Focused On Which Way We Can Help The Most People In This Country, And Republicans Should Be Focused On How To Do That In The Most Fiscally Responsible Manner Possible.

Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not. So It's Hard For Me To Come Up With Things, Because I Don't Write Stuff, I Don't Write My Act Down.

If You Stop Eating Donutes You Will Live 3 Years Longer.it's Just 3 More Years That You Want A Donut. < . ) < .

In Vegas, You Have An Audience You Can't Find Anywhere Else. It's From All Over The Country. You Play Seattle, Everyone's From Seattle. But In Vegas, You Have Six From Seattle, A Bunch From L.a., Some Local Las Vegans And Maybe A Farmer From Iowa. In Vegas, You Learn The Ins And Outs Of Holding A Room Because Of That Great Spectrum Of Folks.

You Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

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