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[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

-Lewis Black

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[the Weather Channel] Is

Lewis Black

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[the Weather Channel] Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. I'll Repeat That. It Is The Most Watched Cable Channel In America. They Were Worried About The Terrorists Immobilizing Us, And A Portion Of Our Countrymen Watch Weather. 'kay, You Don't Get Any More Immobile Than That... Unless You're In A Goddamn Coma. That Means You're Saying, "i'd Go To The Window, But It's Too Far." If You Want To Know What The Weather Is You Go To A Window And Stick Your Hand Out And If You Want To Know What The Temperature Is You Drive By A Bank.

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The Worst Thing About Halloween Is, Of Course, Candy Corn. It's Unbelievable To Me. Candy Corn Is The Only Candy In The History Of America That's Never Been Advertised. And There's A Reason. All Of The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911. And So, Since Nobody Eats That Stuff, Every Year There's A Ton Of It Left Over.

When You're Fund-raising For Schools, Then Something's Wrong. We Seem To Have Lost Some Sort Of Sense Of What The Common Good Is, And If You Don't Have A Sense Of What The Common Good Is, Then At Least Give To What You Think Your Specific Goods Are.

I Like College Football, But I'm A Huge College Basketball Fan. I Could Sit And Watch Every Game Of March Madness And Be Happy. That Could Be A Vacation.

I'm A Happy Person But An Angry Citizen.

Earth Day Was Created Because We Were Doing A Lot Of Drugs, More Drugs Than You Could Ever F@*! Imagine. And So We Came Up With Earth Day, So We'd Have One Day That Would Remind Us What Planet We Were Living On.

None Of This Seems To Affect The Leadership, That People Don't Go Out To Vote, That They Don't Feel The Need To Go Vote, That They Already Feel Disenfranchised. It's Not Just Obama's Fault Or Clinton's Or Whomever's, It's All Of Them, The Whole Collection Of Clowns I've Had To Sit Through.

The Core Of The American Public, Their Hearts And Their Minds Are In The Right Place. And That Gives Me Hope.

Online, There's No Time. It's Always Christmas.

The Kids Say Golf Taught Them This And That. I Get It With The Military: A Guy Joins The Military Because He Needs Discipline And Has To Find Himself. But Don't Tell Me, 'golf Helps You Find Yourself.' I've Been Playing My Whole Life, And I'm Still Looking For Myself.

What Is The Difference Between A Democrat And A Republican? A Democrat Blows, A Republican Sucks.

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.

I Do The Same Gig. I Might Change It A Little; I Might Slow It Down If I'm In The South. I Talk Fast, And They're Not Used To People Talking That Fast.

If You Listen To A Song And Get An Image In Your Head, And Then You Go Home And Watch Mtv And The Image They're Showing Is The Same As The One In Your Head, Kill Yourself. You're Better Off Coming Back As A Lobster.

I Never Thought That Bill Clinton Should Be The President. When He Was Running To Be The President Of The United States, He Said On Over A Hundred Occasions, He Said The Following: He Said, 'one Of The Great Accomplishments While I Was The Governor Of Arkansas, Was To Take My State In Education From 50th To 49th.' And I Thought, ' You Know, Bill, You Should Keep That A Secret.

If The People Of New Zealand Want To Be Part Of Our World, I Believe They Should Hop Off Their Islands, And Push 'em Closer.

People Would Be A Lot Better Off If They'd Enjoy Being Single.

I Was A Drinker, So I Went Through The Scotches. Before Single Malts Hit, There Were Really Cheap Scotches, Because Nobody Was Paying Attention To Them. Then By The Time They Started Jacking Those Prices Up, I Moved On To Vodka.

If You Want To Get An Audience Quiet, Just Say "abortion" And Everybody Shuts Up And The Tension In The Room Is Spectacular.

There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bllodeshot Eye.

And I Know This Happens Because I Took Economics, And I'd Explain It To Ya, But I Flunked That Course. Not My Fault. They Taught It At 8 O'clock In The Morning. And There Is Absolutely Nothing You Can Learn Out Of One Bloodshot Eye.

My Father Painted, Well Into His 80s, What He Called Hard Edge Abstractions. It's Really Cool.

My Parents Were Married For Sixty-five Years, And I Was Married For About Ten Minutes, My First Year At Yale Drama School. Something, Somehow, Didn't Get Passed On To My Generation.

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity. And I Think That's The Reason My Act Has Become More Political. I've Become Somewhat More Of A Political Comic Because The Level Of Stupidity I've Watched Is Staggering.

You Are An Adult, And You Can Dress Up Whenever You Want To. You Don't Need Permission Anymore! If You Wake Up Next Tuesday, And You Feel Like Being Batman, Go For It! And Then You Go To Work, And Your Boss Will Look Up And Go "who Are You," And You Can Say: "i Am Batman. That's Who I Am, Who Are You?"

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

Ninety Percent Of A Shirt That Not Only Was Bright Purple And Green But With A Design On It That, If You Moved Too Quickly, Might Cause A Seizure In An Unsuspecting Onlooker.

Here's Why I Think There's Something A Little Odd With George Bush. Because A Lot Of The Times When He Speaks, His Words Don't Match His Face. Something Is Askew. You Can't Talk About The War With A Smile On Your Face. He Does It Constantly. If You're The President, You Should Go We're Going To Talk About The War, I Must Have A Frowny Face. The Only Time You Can Smile When You're Talking About The War In Iraq Is When You Go, Well, Two Iraqis Walk Into A Bar, Hahaha.

My Parents Are The Last Of The Middle Class. My Father Worked For The Government Designing Sea Mines. My Mother Was A Substitute Teacher. Together, They Worked Really Only Until They Were Sixty.

Parenting Isn't Just Parenting Your Own Child.

Pursue Whatever It Is That You Want To Do With Your Life. It Is The Only Secret To Happiness That I Know Except For Maybe True Love, That And Maybe Having The Amazing Health Insurance Plan That Our Congressmen Have.

He Smiles So Much, I Don't Think He Has A Central Nervous System.

These Ballot Initiatives Remind Us That America Is The Land Where People Are Free To Dream Whatever They Want, So Long As That Dream Doesn't Make Midwesterners Feel Icky!

If It Weren’t For My Horse, I Wouldn’t Have Spent That Year In College.

I Don't Tweet A Lot Because I've Tweeted Things That I Thought Were Really Innocuous About Subjects That Are Inflammatory, And The Response Is So Insane Sometimes From People.

I'm Always Amazed When I Hear People Saying, "that George Bush, He's A Great Leader". And I Wonder, Where Can One Find A Drug That Would Make One So Delusional?

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

I Believe That Every Paper In The Country Should Have One Headline That When You Read It, You Laugh So Hard You Can't Stand It. It Has To Be That Way. What About A Headline Like This: 'hippo Eats Dwarf'? How Good Is That? You Read That Headline, And You Immediately Close The Paper And Say, 'wow, It's Gonna Be A Great Day.

If I Get A Week Off, I'll Go To A Hotel That Has A Golf Course. I Like To Come Downstairs And Go Right Onto The Course. I'll Do That Five Days In A Row.

Glenn Beck Has Nazi Tourettes'.

The Droid I Had Actually Seemed To Have Free Will, Which I Thought Was Interesting.

Janeane Garofalo Ended Up, In A Sense, Being Pushed By The Media Into Becoming A Pundit.

You Look At My Audience, And It Proves What Congress Thinks America Is, Is Wrong. I Get People Across The Political Spectrum. Parents And Kids Come And They're All Punked Out, And There Are These Other Guys In John Deere Caps.

Glenn Beck Is Offended! Glenn Beck Thinks Playing The Nazi Card Is Going Too Far. Glenn Beck. This Is A Guy Who Uses More Swastika Props And Video Of The Nuremberg Rallies Than The History Channel.

Then There Was The Man Who Declared In Court, He Wasn't A Person. "excuse Me, Sir, Why Haven't You Paid Your Taxes." "well, As You Can Clearly See, I Am Not A Person." "well, You Look Like A Person." "no It's All Done With Mirrors, Trust Me!"

I Watch Some Cnn And A Lot Of Fox, Because It Helps Me Get Irritated.

Valentine's Day: The Holiday That Reminds You That If You Don't Have A Special Someone, You're Alone.

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No Matter What, Your Parents Are Going To Worry About You. I Had A Tour Bus And My Mother Still Thought I Was Broke. Remember: It's Your Life, Not Theirs. Just Because Your Parents Sent You To College Doesn't Mean They Bought The Rest Of Your Life.

When We Anticipate, We're The Happiest. Unless You're On Antidepressants. The Reason You Take Antidepressants Is Because You Can't Anticipate. You Think Everything's Going To Be Horrible, So It Usually Is.

You Don't Want Another Enron? Here's Your Law: If A Company, Can't Explain, In One Sentence, What It Does... It's Illegal.

Everybody's Got Cable.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not.

Christians Have Created A Holiday That Has Become A Beast That Cannot Be Fed. Christmas Gets Longer And Longer And Longer, And You Don't Care, Do You? You Just Take More And More Of The Calendar For Yourself. It's Unbelievable. How Long Does It Take You People To Shop? It's Beyond Belief. It's Insane. When I Was A Kid, Halloween Was Halloween, And Santa Wasn't Poking His Ass Into It.

Elected Officials Shouldn’t Get To Choose Who Gets To Choose Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

That's The Funny Thing About Religion: It Doesn't Matter What You Say, You're Going To Upset Someone.

The Democrats Have Responded To The Republicans' Lack Of Dealing With Reality By Truly Not Dealing With Reality, Either.

One Of The Interesting Things About Comedy Is It's Tension Release, And Nothing Creates Tension Faster Than Anger.

It's Amazing What I Could've Written In My Life If I Had Realized That I Should Keep Writing And Not Masturbating.

Since There Are So Many Idiots Out There, You May Actually Start To Think You're Crazy. You Are Not. They Are Idiots.

Can Somebody Explain To Me Why Pepsi And Coke Advertise? Are We Missing Something? Seriously, Everyone In This Room Has Drank Enough Pepsi And Coke In Their Lifetime They Could Piss It For A Week.

Now, Most Of The Time You Couldn't Be Too Sure Of The Quality Of The Drug. Although, In My Experience The Stuff Was Always Of A Very High Quality, Because Back Then We Didn't Have Business Majors Peddling Lower-quality Stuff In An Effort To Increase Profits.

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If You're Going To Pick A Book And You Want To Base A System Of Government Around It, Why Not 'harry Potter?'

A Lot Of The Times I'm Looking At Something That I Discover Is Part Of A Larger Framework And Not Just A Couple Jokes. I See That It's A Set, A Story That I'll Be Telling. Sometimes I Get Lost In That.

Democrats Are Dumb And Republicans Are Stupid, But The Difference Between Dumb And Stupid Is Dumb Isn't Funny. Dumb Is When You Say Something And The Whole Room Goes, 'what Did He Say?'

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When From Behind Me, A Young Woman Of 25 Uttered The Following, It Was The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Heard In My Life Until Dan Quayle Was Elected Vice President Of The United States. She Said, If It Weren't For My Horse, I Wouldn't Have Spent That Year In College.

I Was Home Alone Watching George Bush Speak On Television. So It Was Just Really The Two Of Us. And As I Listened To Him, I Realized, That One Of Us... Was Nuts! And For The First Time Ever, I Went, 'wow, It's Not Me!'

Interesting Thing About Being Rich Is Once You Pay Your Taxes, You're Still Rich.

When It Comes To Idiots, America's Got More Than Its Fair Share. If Idiots Were Energy, It Would Be A Source That Would Never Run Out.

Political Audiences Are Not Fun.

In Vegas, You Have An Audience You Can't Find Anywhere Else. It's From All Over The Country. You Play Seattle, Everyone's From Seattle. But In Vegas, You Have Six From Seattle, A Bunch From L.a., Some Local Las Vegans And Maybe A Farmer From Iowa. In Vegas, You Learn The Ins And Outs Of Holding A Room Because Of That Great Spectrum Of Folks.

If I Wanted To Be Bored By 6,000 Pages Of Unreadable Dreck, I'd Read War And Peace Four Times.

See... What I Felt They Should Have Done, For Our First Public Works Project, Is Build A Giant Wall... Across The Entire Border Of Canada. Because That's Where The Cold Air Comes From.

It's Great That We're Bringing Democracy To Iraq. I Can't Wait To See How We Do It! What Are We Gonna Do, Give Them Our Civics Textbooks?

Democrats Should Be Focused On Which Way We Can Help The Most People In This Country, And Republicans Should Be Focused On How To Do That In The Most Fiscally Responsible Manner Possible.

Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler.

If A Group Of People - Leaders - Can Convince A Group Of Folk Who Barely Have A Pot To Piss In That The Rich Shouldn't Be Taxed-- That Is Leadership!

Macs Are Not Intuitive. It's Intuitive To The Person Who Created It. It's Not Intuitive To Me.

Some People Have Religion As A Means Of Solace. But, I Had A Dreidel, So That Was Out.

I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

Just Relax And Breathe Through Your Ass.

I Think You Have To [vote] And The Reason You Have To Go Vote Is An Important One, And That Is Because The Day You Vote Is The Day That You Will Feel The Most Ineffectual You Will Feel All Year.

When You Compare Christmas To Hanukkah, There's No Comparison. Christmas Is Great. Hanukkah Sucks! First Night You Get Socks. Second Night, An Eraser, A Notebook. It's A Back-to-school Holiday!

Wow, You Survived A Blackout. You're Made Of Stronger Stuff Than Ice Cream.

Is A Bj Adultery? What? Did I Miss A Day Of School? Of Course It Is! Oral Sex Is Adultery Like Curling Is An Olympic Sport. The Only Thing Is, Oral Sex Should Be In The Olympics Because It's Much Harder Than Curling, And If You're Good At It, You Deserve A Medal!

If You're Working Out In Front Of A Mirror And Watching Your Muscles Grow, Your Ego Has Reached A Point Where It Is Now Eating Itself. That's Why I Believe There Should Be A Psychiatrist At Every Health Club, So That When They See You Doing This, They Will Take You Away For A Little Chat.

If There Is Hell, It Was Modeled After Junior High School.

Basically, I Started On Stage Yelling And I Kept Yelling, And Then I Yelled Some More, And Then I Yelled Even Louder. I'm Modulated Now.

One Of The Most Important Things, Especially When You're Leaving School, Is To Realize You're Going To Be Dealing With A Lot Of Idiots. And A Lot Of Those Idiots Are In Charge Of Things, So If You're In An Interview And You Really Want To Tell The Person Off, Don't Do It.

North Korea Is The Country That The Monkeys In The Wizard Of Oz Came From.

I Do Like Guinness, I Have To Say, Because You Feel Like You're Eating Something.

Well First Of All, I'd Just Like To Say That 2005 Was A Great Year, If You Like Swimming Through Crap.

My Hate Of Apple Has Moved Into A Hate Of Facebook.

In Four Days, I Experienced Five Seasons. It Was Thirty, It Was Sixty, It Was Ninety, Then It Was Twelve! And On The Last Day, There Was Thunder, Lightning, And Snow - Together! And I Hadn't Done Drugs.

What I Find Most Disturbing About Valentine's Day Is, Look, I Get That You Have To Have A Holiday Of Love, But In The Height Of Flu Season, It Makes No Sense.

I Am Angry That The Democrats Don't Have The Ability To Explain To Republicans That We Should Be Able To Feed People In This Country, And That Is Not Socialism.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

Kids Seem To Get Me When I Play Colleges - They Like It Because I Go After Them. They'll Come Up After And Say I Am Like Their Dads, Only Funny.

A Father And Two Sons Run Adelphia. It's A Cable Company. And They Took From That Company A Billion Dollars. A Billion. Three People - Three People Took A Billion Dollars. What Were They Gonna Do, Start Their Own Space Program? 'let's Send The Monkey To Mars, Dad!'

I Love Anything That Gets Me Outside Of My Own Head.

I Continue To Work On Plays, But I've Always Felt That You Could Put A Note In A Bottle And Send It Offshore, And You'd Have As Much Chance Communicating With People.

You Can Never Put Too Much Pork In Your Mouth As Far As I'm Concerned.

The New Millennium Sucks! What A Disappointment! What's The Difference Between The Old Millennium And The New Millennium? Nothing! It's The Same Load Of Crap With A '2' In The Front. When I Was A Kid, I Am Old Enough So That When I Was A Kid, I Looked Forward To The New Millennium. When I Was Young, I Said, 'i'm Gonna Live Through A Change! A Massive Change! Things Are Gonna Be Different! Things Are Gonna Be Great!' Screwed Again! No Flying Cars! No Flying Cars!

My Touring Has Never Stopped; From The Time I Started Doing Stand-up, I've Been On The Road.

This Is The Thing I've Never Understood: If Someone Is Going To Hell For Being Gay Or Being A Jew Or A Muslim Or Having An Abortion, Then What Are You Worried About? You Don't Need To Try And Convert These People Or Try And Save Them. If You Really Believe In Your Religion, These People Are Already Doomed, So Stop Worrying About Them.

If You Are An Adult, And You Are Planning To Dress Up On Halloween... Don't. I Will Find You. I Will Hurt You.

Everybody's Always Asking Me About My Blood Pressure. They Did An Interview Once Where They Hooked Me Up To A Blood Pressure Machine And They'd Rile Me. I'd Yell And Scream, And Then It Would Just Go Back To Normal In A Few Minutes. Everything Else Is Probably Rotting, But The Blood Pressure Is Spectacular.

Democrats Are Like A Big Tortoise That's On Its Back And Can't Get Up; You Can't Make Jokes About That.

Most Of The Longer-term Relationships I've Known Have Been Gay Relationships. They Seem To Be Able To Hang Out Longer.

I'm A Selfish, Little Pig Of A Man.

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

It's A Big Thing Now: A Lot Of People Want To Be Assistants To Celebrities. If You're Pursuing That, You're An Idiot. You're A Moron. The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is Not A Celebrity, Or Being Next To A Celebrity.

If You Stop Eating Donutes You Will Live 3 Years Longer.it's Just 3 More Years That You Want A Donut. < . ) < .

I Think That Many Things That Go On In An Art School Have A Tendency To Undermine Confidence, And That Shouldn't Be Part Of The Ballgame, Ever.

I Do Have Certain Feelings. My Feeling Is That Whoever Is In Charge, I Want Him Out.

I Don't Buy The 'at 60 It's Great To Have Kids' Thing. I Don't Buy The Line That Has Been Thrown Down - 'you Can Have A Kid At Any Time.' That Doesn't Mean You Should.

I Don't Need Politicians Doing A 24-hour Prayer With Oral Roberts To Get Our Country Back On Track.

I've Always Really Liked Theater. It Fascinated Me. You Can Create A Reality And Get People Involved In That Reality. It Takes Place In Real Time.

I Like My Friends Because They Make Me Feel Normal, Even Though I'm Not.

I'd Like The Campaigning To Be About All The Things They're Not Going To Do. Just Tell Me What You're Not Going Do! Don't Tell Me What You're Going To Do. Just Say "i'd Really Like To Do Solar Energy But I'm Not Going To Be Able To. I Really Want To Dig Holes Everywhere In The Country But I Really Won't Be Able To Do It Because People Seem To Think That Maybe My Water Will Be Screwed Up."

How Our Government Works... It Doesn't.

Government Work

I'm Amazed That Anyone Is Interested In What I Have To Say.

The People We Elect Aren't Bipartisan. The American Public Is Bipartisan.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not. So It's Hard For Me To Come Up With Things, Because I Don't Write Stuff, I Don't Write My Act Down.

If Somebody Tries To Tell Me The Earth Was Created In 7 Days I Take A Fossil And Say "fossil". If He Still Won't Shut Up I Throw It At Him.

I Have N'sync And Aerosmith And Britney Spears. I Have A Trifecta From Hell.

Going Up To Canada Is Great Because I'm Not Dealing With People Carrying Their Agendas Into The Room. I'm Lucky Because 97% Of The People Who Come To The Show Know Who They Are Dealing With, Whether They Are On The Left Or The Right, We're Sharing The Same Frustration.

I Had An Iphone And A Droid And Both Of Them Were Miserable Pieces Of Equipment.

I'm Constantly In Fear Of Having A Stroke.

I Like Indoor Christmas Trees. And I Like People Who Decorate Their Homes With Lights And All That Crap. I Think It's A Healthy Outlet For Them. If They Weren't Covering Their Lawns With Twinkling Lights, They'd Be Doing Something That Was Really, Really Creepy.

I Have No Religion Because I Was Born And Raised Jewish. And On The First Night Of Hanukkah, My Parents, When I Was Very Young, Gave Me A Top To Play With. They Called It A Dreidel. I Knew It Was A Top. And As I Looked At That Top, I Said, 'you Know. I Don't Think I'm Gonna Be Jewish For Very Long.

You've Got To Be Stupid To Heckle Me - I Am Very Equipped To Win.

I'm Not A Big Birthday Guy; I Never Have Been.

Now, They Say That New Zealand Is Beautiful And I Do Not Know -- Because After 22 Hours On A Plane Any Landmass Would Be Beautiful.

I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

I Think The Only Reason You Visit An Apple Store Is Because You Wonder What Life Is Like On Another Planet.

When You're Done [with Writing A Book], People Tell You "well, Gee, I'm Not Interested." "great, I'm Glad I Sat Down And Wrote This!"

All The Candy Corn That Was Ever Made Was Made In 1911.

Corn On The Cob

It's A Shame Cars Don't Run On Cognitive Dissonance.

Cognitive Dissonance

People Go To Vegas, And They Don't Know What To Do; Here's What You Do. You Go To The Casino In Your Hotel. On Your Arrival, You Get $100 In Quarters. Take That $100 Back To Your Hotel Room And Stare At It For A Long, Long Time. Why? Because You're Never Going To See Them Again. Then You Take Those Quarters To The Bathroom And You Flush Them, One By One By One. And The Nice Thing About That Is That Every So Often The Toilet Will Back Up, And You'll Feel Like A Winner!

Jesse Ventura Is Basically Proof That The People Of Minnesota Are Not Social Drinkers... They Are Obviously Alcoholics.

This Is How Sad My Life Is: I Got A Scar From Scratching My Chicken Pox Too Much. That's My Big Scar Story. I Really Have No Major Scars.

Do You Know What 'meteorologist' Means In English? It Means Liar.

Basically I Wake Up In The Morning And I Think Everything's Going To Be Great. I'm Really Kind Of Optimistic, And I Look Forward To A New Day. I Pick Up 'the New York Times,' And I Look At The Front Page And Realize That Once Again I'm Wrong. I Start To Fixate On Stuff.

If You Yell About One Woman, You're Not A Misogynist. If I Yell About Michelle Bachman, That Doesn't Make Me A Misogynist. If I Compare All Women To Michelle Bachman, Then I'm A Misogynist.

I Went To New Zealand This Year, And, Whew Man, I Know A Lot Of People Want To Go There. But Let Me Just Tell You, It's 22 Hours By Plane. So, If You Have The Opportunity, Don't.

If You Really Think There's A Santa, Why Don't You Sit On The Front Steps All Night In The Freezing Cold And See If He Climbs Down Any Chimneys Tonight. Good Luck. And Since We're A Family That Isn't Lucky Enough To Have A Chimney, How Would Santa Get Into Our House? Does He Bring A Locksmith With Him? And It Probably Would Have To Be A Jewish Locksmith, Because A Christian Locksmith Is Going To Want To Be Home With His Family. And How Many Jewish Locksmiths Are There? None.

I Hammer On A Theme Until I'm Tired Of It And The Audience Is Tired Of It.

Writing Is Thinking And Thinking Is Hard Work.

Who Knew That The Devil Had A Factory Where He Made Millions Of Fossils, Which His Minions Distributed Throughout The Earth, In Order To Confuse My Tiny Brain?

Stand-up Is The Only Thing In Which You Actually Write It, Act It And Direct It Simultaneously, So It's Actually A Great Theater Exercise.

Self-love Is A Big Part Of Golf.

You're On Facebook, And These People Seem To Have Endless Lives. I Don't Have Time To Live My Life, Let Alone Tell You What I'm Doing, Or Post A Photo.

I Had To Watch The Republican Stuff Which Makes Me Feel Even Older Than I Am. By The Time I Get Through The Democrats, I May Be Dead. I Don't Know How Much Older I Can Get.

I Really Wanted To Talk About The War On Terror And Say That Both Sides Were Completely Incompetent [in Addressing It]. You Can't Blame The Other Side When You're Involved In It.

I Can Be Drunk Until 6 In The Morning, And Then I Don't Have To Show Up To Work Until 14 Hours Later.

Everyone Of You Has A Health That Is Unique And Totally Different From Everybody Else. Completely! Because We... Are All Like Snowflakes.

Socialism Appeals To Me. It's Like Imposed Christianity. You've Got To Share.

Republicans And Democrats Can Barely Do What They're Supposed To Do, And They Sure Can't Do Math!

I Knew That I'd Lived In New York Too Long When, A Few Years Ago, I Was On A Subway Going Downtown, And It Stopped At 14th Street. At The Station, The Doors Opened, And The Conductor Announced That There Was A Bomb On Board And We Should Evacuate Immediately. Nobody Moved. We Just Looked At Each Other, 'do You See A Bomb?' 'i Don't See A Bomb.' 'there's No Bomb.' 'i've Only Got Two Stops - Let's Go For It.

It's 'six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon, Except There's Just One Degree, And Kevin Bacon Is Hitler. Can I Play? Let's See. Mother Teresa Had A Mustache. Hitler Had A Mustache. Mother Teresa Is Hitler!

We Don't Have Seasons Anymore. You Know Why? We Lost The Ozone Layer. Well, Put It On Milk Cartons - Let's Find It!

I Think That I Don't Panic As Much As The Folks On The Left Or The Right Do. I Don't Have That Sense Of Panic.

Stupid Presidents, Smart Presidents, White Presidents, Black Presidents - Doesn't Work! What This Country Needs Is A Crazy Third World Dictator. And Donald Trump Has What It Takes To Be That. He's Already Got A Plane With His Name On It, Solid Gold Buildings, A Harem...

If You're Going To Vote For Somebody Because You Think They Have A Great Faith In God, You'd Better Be Sure That God Has Faith In Them.

I Don't Care Who Wins Because I Go To Sporting Events To Scream. It's The One Place On The Planet You Can Shout Anything You Want. You Can Bellow At Will, And Nobody Will Bother You. I Yell Things Like, 'my Life Sucks! Dan Quayle Is A Schmuck! If I Don't Have Sex Soon, I'm Going To Explode!' Parents Turn To Their Kids As I Leave The Stadium And Go, 'hey, There Goes A Great Fan.

Harry Reid Is Not Funny; He's Creepy. Nancy Pelosi Is Creepy. Charles Schumer Is Sneaky And Creepy.

It Was The Coldest Winter Ever! I Thought Last Winter Was The Coldest Winter Ever, But I Was Wrong Now Wasn't I? You See Because I Travel All The Time. So Last Winter, I'd Be In The Midwest, And The Blizzard Would Hit. And Then I'd Fly Home, And The Blizzard Would Hit Again!

Whenever Someone Says They Believe The Earth Was Created In 7 Days, I Grab A Fossil And Say, Fossil. And If They Keep Talking, I Throw It Just Over Their Heads.

I've Always Been A Social Network Retard, Even Before There Was A Social Network. People Would Say, "you Want To Go To This Party And Do Some Networking?"

The Tortoise Moves Very Slowly, It Moves Towards Whatever The Goal Is, To Keep A Democratic Capitalistic Society Functioning.

I Like Coffee Because It Gives Me The Illusion That I Might Be Awake.

I Was Broke Until I Was 40. Really Broke. I Could Get By, But I Had Nothing.

My Father Worked At The Naval Ordnance Lab, And They Had A Nine-hole Course On The Property. You Paid A Quarter.

What You Don't Do, If You're An Adult, Is Decide That You're Going To Budget Things Through A Sequester. What Does That Word Have To Do With Budgeting? It's Like If You Have A Family Budget And Go, 'we Really Don't Know What To Take Out Economically From The Budget, So We're Going To Whack Out Protein For This Week.'

There's No Such Thing As Soy Milk. It's Soy Juice.

It Took Forever For Me To Get Work Because I Was A Political Comic, And Now It's Become Good Business, And God Knows How Long That'll Last. You Have To Do It Night After Night After Night To Kind Of Make It. I Still Find Myself On 'piers Morgan' Or On Some Show And I Think, 'i Hope This Is Funny.'

This Book Is Dedicated To All Of My Friends Who Helped Me Get To Where I Am Today - You Know Who You Are... And When I Find You I Am Going To Kill You.

Fema I Always Thought Was A Bone Here In Your Ass.

When I Was A Kid, You Ate, And You Drank, And You Passed Out And Nobody Woke You Up And Said, 'let's Go Shopping.

Usually I'm Too Tired To Apologize.

Being A Playwright Is Like The Equivalent Of Doing A Jigsaw Puzzle That Has 1,500 Pieces, And It's A Jigsaw Of A Blue Sky. Not A Cloud In Sight.

The Thing Is, Whenever I See Hillary Clinton, I Feel Like I Have To Vote For Her. She Makes Me Feel Guilty Because I Feel Like I Should Vote For Her So That She'll Feel Better About Herself Because She'd Been In Such A Bad Marriage.

If You Don't Drink 56 Bottles Of Water A Week, Scientists Say You Should Take A Garden Hose At The End Of The Week And Shove It Up Your Ass.

In New York, F*** Isn't Even A Word. It's A Comma.

It's 2003. Why Can't I Teleport?

On The Plane Was A Time Magazine And There Was A 30 Page Article On Diabetes, And I Read Every Page. By The Time That Plane Landed, I Had Diabetes.

My Problem Has Always Been With Authority, And I'm Sure If Anybody Understands That, It's People In Uniform.

When A Country Wants Television More Than They Want Clean Water, They've Lost Their Grip.

I Don't Understand How Anybody's Still A Democrat Or A Republican. I Don't Know What They're Basing It On.

The Fine Line That You Do When You Do Political Comedy Is, As Long As You Have That Laugh, You're Fine.

I Think Comics In New York Are Interested In Being Comics. And There're Comics In L.a. Who Are Touring Comics, Who Are Certainly More Interested In Stand-up, But A Lot Of L.a. Stand-ups Are Really Looking To Do Something Else.

I Think One Reason People Play Golf Is It Allows Them To Obsess About Something Other Than The Daily Crap. It Takes Your Mind Off That.

What I've Found In My Career Is That 70 To 75 Percent Of Comics Are Nice And Have Some Sense Of Social Skills, But There Are Those Who End Up In Comedy Because They Don't Know How To Socialize. I Don't Want To Deal With That Group.

I've Seen The End Of The Universe, And It Happens To Be In The United States And, Oddly Enough, It's In Houston, Texas. I Know - I Was Shocked, Too. Imagine My Surprise When I Left A Comedy Club One Day And Walked To The End Of The Block, And There On One Corner Was A Starbucks, And Across The Street From That Starbucks, In The Exact Same Building As That Starbucks, There Was - A Starbucks. I Looked Back And Forth, Thinking The Sun Was Playing Tricks With My Eyes. That There Was A Starbucks Across From A Starbucks - And That, My Friends, Is The End Of The Universe.

The One Thing I Think We Learned This Year Is That The Democrats And The Republicans Are Completely Worthless.

I Would Like To Play Pebble Beach At Some Point. I Keep Waiting For Them To Call And Ask Me To That Little Pro-am Thing, But I'm Not Big Enough.

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