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I Never Thought That Bill Clinton Should Be The President. When He Was Running To Be The President Of The United States, He Said On Over A Hundred Occasions, He Said The Following: He Said, 'one Of The Great Accomplishments While I Was The Governor Of Arkansas, Was To Take My State In Education From 50th To 49th.' And I Thought, ' You Know, Bill, You Should Keep That A Secret.

-Lewis Black

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I Never Thought That

Lewis Black

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I Never Thought That Bill Clinton Should Be The President. When He Was Running To Be The President Of The United States, He Said On Over A Hundred Occasions, He Said The Following: He Said, 'one Of The Great Accomplishments While I Was The Governor Of Arkansas, Was To Take My State In Education From 50th To 49th.' And I Thought, ' You Know, Bill, You Should Keep That A Secret.

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If You're Working Out In Front Of A Mirror And Watching Your Muscles Grow, Your Ego Has Reached A Point Where It Is Now Eating Itself. That's Why I Believe There Should Be A Psychiatrist At Every Health Club, So That When They See You Doing This, They Will Take You Away For A Little Chat.

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not.

When They Played, It Wasn't Music. It Was The Sound Of Chaos. I Knew It Was The Sound Of Chaos Because You Could Hear Pigs Being Slaughtered. Women Were Weeping And Men Were Gnashing Their Teeth, And There Were Sounds So Horrible That I Cannot Repeat Them To You, Or You Would Flee From This Room In Horror!

I Do Not Make Jokes About Sarah Palin Simply Because I Could Not Live In This World If I Believed She Was A Real Person.

There's No Such Thing As Soy Milk. It's Soy Juice.

The Whole Valentine's Thing Is Fine, But You Don't Back It Up Right Next To The Biggest Gift-giving Holiday Of The Year. Unbelievable. And We Find It Acceptable.

What You Don't Do, If You're An Adult, Is Decide That You're Going To Budget Things Through A Sequester. What Does That Word Have To Do With Budgeting? It's Like If You Have A Family Budget And Go, 'we Really Don't Know What To Take Out Economically From The Budget, So We're Going To Whack Out Protein For This Week.'

When We Anticipate, We're The Happiest. Unless You're On Antidepressants. The Reason You Take Antidepressants Is Because You Can't Anticipate. You Think Everything's Going To Be Horrible, So It Usually Is.

I Never Write Anything Down. I Write Onstage.

My Father Painted, Well Into His 80s, What He Called Hard Edge Abstractions. It's Really Cool.

Everybody's Family Has Different Values.

Different Values

Pursue Whatever It Is That You Want To Do With Your Life. It Is The Only Secret To Happiness That I Know Except For Maybe True Love, That And Maybe Having The Amazing Health Insurance Plan That Our Congressmen Have.

I Feel The Need To Scream, And Even If The Scream Is Not Answered, I Find My Sanity In The Echo.

Some People Have Religion As A Means Of Solace. But, I Had A Dreidel, So That Was Out.

I Went To New Zealand This Year, And, Whew Man, I Know A Lot Of People Want To Go There. But Let Me Just Tell You, It's 22 Hours By Plane. So, If You Have The Opportunity, Don't.

I Don't Believe Pumpkin Pie Is Even Made From Pumpkin. I Mean, How Can Something That Smells That Shitty Make A Pie So Sweet? There's Not Enough Sugar In The Universe.

This Is What I've Been Waiting For My Whole Life. A President Who's Not Afraid To Tell The Truth About Being A Lying A**hole.

I Get An Idea About Something. I Just Start Thinking About It, And Then I Get Onstage And I Talk About It, And Then I Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, And Think About It Some More And Talk About It Some More, Until It Starts To Take A Shape.

Mtv Is To Music As Kfc Is To Chicken!

I Hammer On A Theme Until I'm Tired Of It And The Audience Is Tired Of It.

The Last Person To Get Across That Town In Under Three Hours Was Yelling "the British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!"

I'm Not A Great Joke Writer, Which Is Odd For A Comic To Say, But I'm Not. So It's Hard For Me To Come Up With Things, Because I Don't Write Stuff, I Don't Write My Act Down.

Stand-up Is The Only Thing In Which You Actually Write It, Act It And Direct It Simultaneously, So It's Actually A Great Theater Exercise.

As Psychotic As It Gets Outside, The Comic Can Be More Psychotic.

Stupidity Really Gets Me Going, When It's Just Plain Stupid, Obvious Stupidity. And I Think That's The Reason My Act Has Become More Political. I've Become Somewhat More Of A Political Comic Because The Level Of Stupidity I've Watched Is Staggering.

I Like My Friends Because They Make Me Feel Normal, Even Though I'm Not.

The Fine Line That You Do When You Do Political Comedy Is, As Long As You Have That Laugh, You're Fine.

The Republicans Are The Party Of Bad Ideas. The Democrats Are The Party Of No Ideas.

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