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I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

-Stephen Colbert

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I'm Not Going To

Stephen Colbert

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I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

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You Have To Do Your First Penance Before Your First Holy Communion. You're Really Young. What Do You Know? You've Got Nothing To Confess. All I Knew Was That I Was An Evil Human Whose Sins Caused The Death Of Our Lord.

And My Daughter Said, 'why Are You Yelling At Us?' And I Said, 'i'm Trying To Discipline You!' And Then She Looked Up At Me With Her Tear-stained Eyes And Said, 'this Is How You Teach Children, By Making Them Cry.' And It Was Such A Clenching Reminder - She Won Not Only The Argument, But She Won Life With That Statement. I Just Burst Out Laughing, And I Think They Were So Surprised That I Burst Out Laughing, That They Did Too.

This Is A Crucial Time In The Fight For Corporate Civil Rights. Just Look At The Hateful Signs At Occupy Wallstreet: 'corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I Thought We Were Past The Point In This Country Where Some People Aren't People Just Because They Have Different Color Skin Or Different Religion Or Were Born In A Lawyer's Office, Only Exist On Paper, Have No Soul And Can Never Die.

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Northwestern's Alumni List Is Truly Impressive. This University Has Graduated Best-selling Authors, Olympians, Presidential Candidates, Grammy Winners, Peabody Winners, Emmy Winners, And That's Just Me!

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(on Fox News).... It's Like Watching A Disney Movie About The News.

Truthiness Is Tearing Apart Our Country, And I Don't Mean The Argument Over Who Came Up With The Word. I Don't Know Whether It's A New Thing, But It's Certainly A Current Thing, In That It Doesn't Seem To Matter What Facts Are. It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

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Muslim Extremists

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There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

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In Order To Maintain An Untenable Position, You Have To Be Actively Ignorant. One Motto On The Show Is, 'keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.'

This Is America. I Don't Want A Tomato Picked By A Mexican. I Want It Picked By An American, Then Sliced By A Guatemalan And Served By A Venezuelan In A Spa Where A Chilean Gives Me A Brazilian.

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I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.

I Don't Like Books, They're All Fact, No Heart.

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The Liberal Gluten-free Agenda Is Turning Our Dogs Lesbian.

I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

Warning, I May Contain More Than A Trace Amount Of Nut.

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I Hope You All Had A Wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, As It's Known To Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Native American

My Mom Kind Of Led Me Toward Acting. She Wanted To Be An Actress When She Was Younger. That Made Me Interested In It When I Was A Kid, Because She And I Are Very Close.

Knock Knock. Who's There? The Truth. No Joke.

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President Bush, Have A Hot Dog With Me.

Clearly, America Has No Shortage Of Metaphorical Opportunities For The Poor.

If Corporations Are People, I Guarantee You That A Government Of Those People, By Those People, And For Those People Will Continue To Exist.

Arbitrary Rules Teach Kids Discipline: If Every Rule Made Sense, They Wouldn't Be Learning Respect For Authority, They'd Be Learning Logic.

Nothing Is More Vintage Than Dying Of Rubella.

Jesus Forgives Sinners, Not Criminals.

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Tv's Tony Snow Becomes The White House Press Secretary. How Will He Make The Difficult Transition From Fox News Reporter To Republican Apologist? ... Mr. President, It Is Time To Hire The Folks Who've Never Let You Down. Limbaugh At Health And Human Services. Hannity At State. Then Give Rummy The Medal Of Freedom And Install Bill O'reilly As Secretary Of Defense. Only Problem, You Might Find Yourself Invading Vermont. And I'll Replace Chertoff At Homeland Security. The Man's Done Nothing To Control The Bear Population.

If Obama Can Force You To Get Health Insurance Just By Calling It A Tax, Than There Is Nothing To Stop Him From Making You Gay Marry An Illegal Immigrant Wearing A Condom On A Hydroponic Pot Farm Powered By Solar Energy.

Cain Understands Domestic Issues Because He Had Experience Selling Pizza; And He Understands International Issues Because Pizza Is Italian.

I Gotta Tell You, I Do Not Envy Whoever They Try To Put In David Letterman's Chair. Folks Those Are Some Huge Shoes To Fill, And Some Really Big Pants.

I'm Not A Standup. I Didn't Start Off As A Writer, I Learned To Write Through Improvisation, And So That's The Part Of The Show That Can Most Surprise Me. The Written Part Of The Show, I Know I Can Get Wrong. You Can't Really Get The Interview "wrong."

Nothing Reassures Parents More Than Surrounding Their Kids With The Kind Of Guys Who Have A Lot Of Weapons And Nothing To Do On Weekdays.

Anyone Can Read The News To You. I Promise To Feel The News At You.

I Won't Be Doing The New Show In Character, So We'll All Get To Find Out How Much Of Him Was Me. I'm Looking Forward To It.

Looking Forward

I Love The Earth. If You Ask Me It's The Greatest Planet In The World.

To All The Worryworts Out There Who Said Super Pacs Were Going To Lead To A Cabal Of Billionaires Secretly Buying Democracy: Wrong! They Are Publicly Buying Democracy.

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

Foreign Newspapers: If They've Got Nothing To Hide, How Come They Don't Print Them In English?

Like O'rielly, We'll Grab The Most Important Word Of Each Sentence... 'the' For Example. Also, I'll Say, 'i'm Angry,' And The Graphic Will Read, 'colbert Angry.

We're Not Talking About Truth, We're Talking About Something That Seems Like Truth - The Truth We Want To Exist.

Truthiness Is "what I Say Is Right, And [nothing] Anyone Else Says Could Possibly Be True." It's Not Only That I Feel It To Be True, But That I Feel It To Be True. There's Not Only An Emotional Quality, But There's A Selfish Quality.

Divorce Is Marital Welfare.it’s Just Couples Asking Society To Bail Them Out Because They Didn’t Do Enough Research Before They Got Married.

I Love Being Onstage, I Love The Relationship With The Audience.

I'm Off For Two Weeks, So Until I Get Back, Take The Characters In This Tweet And Parcel Them Out One Per Day. Use This Q Wisely.

To Quote From Another Gospel, Dune By Frank Herbert, 'fear Is The Mind-killer.' ... Jesus Was The Original Muad'dib.

If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor. You Have To Be Able To Just Hit The Backhand. You Can't Think About All The Pieces Of It. You Can't Think About Your Swing. You Just Have To Do It. Reading Someone Else's Deconstruction Of What I Do, All It Does Is Put Me In My Head. On Nights When The Show Goes Particularly Well, I Am Not Aware Of Its Fluidity. A Lot Of Nights I'm Just Worried That I'm Not Going To Be As Good As The Script In Front Of Me.

Of Course! Jeb Bush! America Is Hungry For Another Leader From That Talented Family!

Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics.

Other People's Deconstruction Of Your Motivations Doesn't Help You Do What You Do. You Can't Swallow And Think About Swallowing At The Same Time.

Senator Kerry Does Not Support Our Troops. If He Had Won The Election, There Wouldn't Be Any Troops Left In Iraq. President Bush, On The Other Hand, Has Given Our Troops An Opportunity To Fight Without End. That's Creating Jobs. In Fact, The President's Policies Helped Create 104 More Job Openings Last Month. Now Who's Stupid, Senator?

Mitt Romney's Email Was Hacked! So If You Start Getting Messages That Sound Like They're From A Bot, He's Fixed The Problem.

I Do My Show Half-hour A Night Four Nights A Week. I Haven't Seen My Kids In 18 Months, And I Am Losing Calcium In My Bones. Doctors Say I Should Stop. I'm Not Going To.

Look, Peta! If God Hadn't Wanted Us To Eat Animals, He Wouldn't Have Made Them So Darn Tasty!

We All Deserve Credit For This New Surveillance State That We Live In Because We The People Voted For The Patriot Act. Democrats And Republicans Alike....we Voted For The People Who Voted For It, And Then Voted For The People Who Reauthorized It, Then Voted For The People Who Re-re-authorize D It.

Surveillance State

If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

Odyssey Dawn? That's Not A Military Operation. That's A Carnival Cruise Ship.

So My Heart Goes Out To Them. Figuratively. I Would Never Actually Entrust My Heart To Scientists—they'd Probably Implant It In A Baboon. And A Baboon With My Heart Would Be Practically Unstoppable. Baboon Strength And Agility Combined With My Determination And Media Savvy? It Would Be A Threat To All Of Humanity.

Hey Yogurt, If You're So Cultured, How Come I Never See You At The Opera?

The Greatest Threat Facing American Today - Next To Voter Fraud, The Western Pinebark Beetle, And The Memory Foam Mattress - Is The National News Media.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor.

The Skinnification Of America's Jeanscape Has Gone Too Far.

Take Away The Big Bang And What Has God Done? Burned A Bush And Got A Girl Pregnant. Great, He's A High School Junior.

If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

There's A Buzz To Failing And Not Dying.

In God's Eyes All Children Are Beautiful But Here On Earth We Have Higher Standards.

When I Read Books It's To Escape. It's So I Don't Have To Talk To People.

Last Night, We Did The Threatdown -- God, It's Hard To Even Talk About This -- And For The First Time, I Didn't Mention Bears. It's Winter, They're Asleep, I Didn't Think It Would Be A Problem. But Today I See This In The Toronto Globe And Mail -- Apparently A 700-pound Polar Bear Showed Up At A Children's Hockey Game. I've Said This Before, They're After Our Kids -- They're Tender, Juicy, You Don't Even Have To Throw Away The Bones.

I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.

You Have A Firm Grasp Of The Obvious.

Football Is American; Why Are The Romans Numering Our Bowls?!

There's Nothing Wrong With Stretching The Truth. We Stretch Taffy, And That Just Makes It More Delicious.

They Think I'm Silly. I Do Silly Things. I Fall Down And Run Into Things. I Talk To Inanimate Objects. I'll Hold A Pickup Stick To My Ear And Say, "what? What's That? I Can't Hear You

The Summer Movies Are Coming Out. My Advice: Just Stay Home And Burn A Good Book.

America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

I Stand By This Man (president George W. Bush). I Stand By This Man Because He Stands For Things. Not Only For Things, He Stands On Things. Things Like Aircraft Carriers And Rubble And Recently Flooded City Squares. And That Sends A Strong Message, That No Matter What Happens To America, She Will Always Rebound.. With The Most Powerfully Staged Photo Ops In The World.

A New Study Shows That Having A Severe Phobia Can Hasten Aging. But What If My Greatest Fear Is Aging?!?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

Nasa Scientists Have Discovered A New Form Of Life, Unfortunately, It Won't Date Them Either.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

I'm Getting Angry At Liberals.

If You Use Big Words, No One Will Know You Aren't Doing Jack Squat.

Hey, Single Malt Scotch, Youre Thirty Years Old. When Are You Going To Settle Down And Get Married To My Stomach?

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

The Shamrock Is A Religious Symbol. St. Patrick Said The Leaves Represented The Trinity: The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit. That's Why Four Leaf Clovers Are So Lucky, You Get A Bonus Jesus.

Mentioning Jesus In Your Speech: Small Government. Doing What Jesus Asked: Big Government.

I'm Just Very Interested In What My Guests Have To Say. You Have To Be Vigilant To Stay Ignorant.

It's The Way Our Founding Fathers Would Have Wanted It, If They Had Founded Corporations Instead Of Just A Country.

Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us.

I Believe That The Government That Governs Best Is A Government That Governs Least, And By These Standards We Have Set Up A Fabulous Government In Iraq.

Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty. People Love The President Because He's Certain Of His Choices As A Leader, Even If The Facts That Back Him Up Don't Seem To Exist. It's The Fact That He's Certain That Is Very Appealing To A Certain Section Of The Country. I Really Feel A Dichotomy In The American Populace. What Is Important? What You Want To Be True, Or What Is True?

I May Be Just An Empty Flesh Terminal Reliant On Technology For All My Ideas, Memories And Relationships, But I Am Confident That All Of That Everything That Makes Me A Unique Human Being Is Still Out There Somewhere, Safe In A Theoretical Storage Space Owned By Giant, Multinational Corporations.

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William Congreve

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