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Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.

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Senator John Kyle Claiming

Stephen Colbert

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Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.

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I Imagined Myself Living In New York In Some Sort Of Open, Large But Sparse Studio Apartment With A Lot Of Blond Wood And A Futon On The Floor And A Bubbling Samovar Of Tea In The Background And A Big Beard - Living Alone But With My Beard - And Doing Theater. That's What I Thought My Life Would Be.

I Have A Generally Liberal Audience, But They Will Applaud When I Nail A Liberal Lion.

Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

History Moves Fast. It's Hard To Believe That Gay Americans Achieved Full Constitutional Personhood Just Five Years After Corporations Did!

Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]

Ignorance Is Bliss. Oedipus Ruined A Great Sex Life By Asking Too Many Questions.

You See, We're America The Beautiful, Not America 'well, At Least She Has A Great Personality'.

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

There's An Old Saying About Those Who Forget History. I Don't Remember It, But It's Good.

I Don't Want Someone Shoving His Views Down My Throat, Unless They're Covered In A Crunchy Candy Shell.

I'm More American Than Apple Pie. I'm Like Apple Pie, With A Hot Dog In It.

I Can't Prove It, But I Can Say It.

People Would Say, "oh, You Say You Just Do Jokes." I Don't Just Do Jokes. I Do Jokes. Jokes Are Important. They Saved My Life When I Was Younger. Hopefully We're Making Things Nicer At The End Of The Day For People. That's The Entire Goal, And That's The Touchstone And The North Star For The Tone.

Now, I Don't See Color. People Tell Me I'm White And I Believe Them Because Police Officers Call Me 'sir'.

I'm Impervious To Logic.

I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.

Equations Are The Devil's Sentences.

Like O'rielly, We'll Grab The Most Important Word Of Each Sentence... 'the' For Example. Also, I'll Say, 'i'm Angry,' And The Graphic Will Read, 'colbert Angry.

Isn't An Agnostic Just An Atheist Without Balls?

I Hope People'll Find Out Pretty Quickly That The Guy They Saw For 10 Years Was My Sense Of Humor The Whole Time.

One Day,i Might Be Able To Tell My Grandkids I Interviewed The Last President Of The United States.

Folks, I Don't Trust Children. They're Here To Replace Us.

Give A Man A Fish And He'll Eat For A Day. Give A Man A Sub-prime Fish Loan And You're In Business, Buddy.

Atheism, A Religion Dedicated To Its Own Sense Of Smug Superiority.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

And My Daughter Said, 'why Are You Yelling At Us?' And I Said, 'i'm Trying To Discipline You!' And Then She Looked Up At Me With Her Tear-stained Eyes And Said, 'this Is How You Teach Children, By Making Them Cry.' And It Was Such A Clenching Reminder - She Won Not Only The Argument, But She Won Life With That Statement. I Just Burst Out Laughing, And I Think They Were So Surprised That I Burst Out Laughing, That They Did Too.

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

Join Me In Standing Up Against Any Actual Knowledge About Guns. Let The Cdc Know They Can Take Away Our Ignorance When The Pry It From Our Cold Dead Minds.

What I Rediscovered Was The Therapeutic Nature Of Singing Lessons. They're Like Doing Yoga But For [the] Inside Of Your Body. You Open Up And Use Muscles That You Don't Think Of As Malleable.

I Did Learn Something Interesting [while At The Atlanta Airport]. You Have To Be A Member Of The Tsa In Order To Legally Perform A Cavity Search. My Apologies To The Staff Of Cinnabon, But You Guys Should Really Keep That Extra Frosting Where The Customers Can Find It.

Warning, I May Contain More Than A Trace Amount Of Nut.

If Anybody Needs Anything Else At Their Tables, Just Speak Slowly And Clearly Into Your Table Numbers. Someone From The Nsa Will Be Right Over With A Cocktail.

'sympathy For The Devil' Is Just Another Way Of Saying 'compassionate Conservative'.

If Germans Are Happy It Means Everyone Else Is Miserable.

Atheism: The Religion Devoted To The Worship Of One's Own Smug Sense Of Superiority.

Now You'll Have To Wait For Hours In Line For Medical Care Instead Of Immediately Not Getting Any.

There Once Was A Man Name Barack, Whose Re-election Came As A Shock. He Raised The Taxes I Pay, And Then Turned Marriage Gay. And Now He's Coming After Your Glock.

I Hope You All Had A Wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, As It's Known To Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Native American

I've Got Butterflies In My Stomach... Because I Ate A Cocoon Quesadilla!

My Grandfather Did Not Travel Across 4,000 Miles Of The Atlantic Ocean To See This Country Overrun By Immigrants. He Did It Because He Killed A Man Back In Ireland.

Who's Britannica To Tell Me That The Panama Canal Was Built In 1914? If I Want To Say That It Was Built In 1941, That's My Right As An American.

If You're Injecting Fear Into Other People, Then You're Trying To Kill Their Minds. You're Trying To Get Them To Stop Thinking.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor. You Have To Be Able To Just Hit The Backhand. You Can't Think About All The Pieces Of It. You Can't Think About Your Swing. You Just Have To Do It. Reading Someone Else's Deconstruction Of What I Do, All It Does Is Put Me In My Head. On Nights When The Show Goes Particularly Well, I Am Not Aware Of Its Fluidity. A Lot Of Nights I'm Just Worried That I'm Not Going To Be As Good As The Script In Front Of Me.

It Is A Well Known Fact That Reality Has Liberal Bias.

Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.

Obamacare Needs The Premiums Of Healthier People To Cover The Costs Of Sicker People. It's A Devious Con That Can Only Be Described As Insurance.

Can Accidentally Eating Halal Food Make You Muslim? Yes, The Same Way Drinking A Cosmo Can Make You Gay.

This Is America. We Must Defend The Principles Symbolized By Lady Liberty - Unless She's On The Pill, In Which Case, She Is A Giant Green Tramp.

It's The Way Our Founding Fathers Would Have Wanted It, If They Had Founded Corporations Instead Of Just A Country.

New Study Reveals Men Like To Cuddle. Another Study Reveals Men Will Say Anything To Get Into Bed With A Woman.

I'm Off For Two Weeks, So Until I Get Back, Take The Characters In This Tweet And Parcel Them Out One Per Day. Use This Q Wisely.

Vodka Eyeballing Sounds Great, But It's A Slippery Slope. Next, You'll Be Scotch Nostriling, Tequila Nippling And, Before You Know It, Jager Tainting.

I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.

I Could Sit Toe To Toe At A Potato Table With Anybody.

I Spent My First Two Years At A Small All-male College In Virginia Called Hampden-sydney. That Was Like Going To College 120 Years Ago. The Languages, A Year Of Rhetoric, All Of The Great Books, Western Man Courses, Stuff Like That.

You Don't Need The Right Facts If You Have The Right Inflection.

As Shakespeare Said, There's Nothin' Cooler Than Droppin' The 'g's Off Of Gerunds!

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

News For The Godless: Religion Is Inescapable. There Has Never Been A Human Society Without Some Form Of Worship. And Don't Point To Communist Societies Like The Soviet Union - They Worshipped Blue Jeans.

That’s Why Our Tvs Are Brimming With So Much Hot Man-on-pan Action. You Can’t Channel Surf For Long Without Seeing Turkey Getting Stuffed Over And Over Until They Finally Cut To The Gravy Shot.

If Women Are Breadwinners And Men Bring Home The Bacon, Why Do People Complain About Having No Dough? I'm Confused. Also Hungry.

We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.

I Love The Earth. If You Ask Me It's The Greatest Planet In The World.

We [comics] Create Our Own Reality On The Show. I'm In A Cocoon Of The Character's Creation. Even Within That Reality, He's In A Cocoon. While I'm An Improviser And Enjoy Discovery, The Show Follows A Script. I Have A Pretty Good Idea What's Going To Happen. It's A Very crafted, Controlled Environment.

Nasa Scientists Have Discovered A New Form Of Life, Unfortunately, It Won't Date Them Either.

Corporations Have Free Speech, But They Can't Speak Like You And Me. They Don't Have Mouths Or Hands.

I Actually Do Not Think That's How What's Happening To Our Government Is Going To Be Stopped. I Think People Who Are Willing To Be Civically Engaged And Believe In The Promises And The Progress Of The Last Fifty Years That Will Save This Country.

Pain Is The Body's Way Of Telling The Brain It's In Trouble. Similarly, Confusion Is The Brain's Way Of Telling The Body, 'all Right, Buddy, Drop That Book.

I Can't Be Gay! I'm A Happily Married Conservative, Just Like Ted Haggard And Larry Craig.

If You Are A Hermaphrodite, It Is Physically Impossible To Be Gay.

I Don't Know A Lot About Politics. I Like Talking About Human Behavior. Politicians Are Funny To Me Because They Often Say One Thing And Behave A Different Way.

If You Imitate Someone, You Owe Them A Royalty Check. If You Emulate Them, You Don't. There's A Big Difference. Check Your Lawyer.

It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

Nc Passed Law Against Global Warming Science, Therefore It's Not Happening. So I'm Ignoring Twitter's 140-character Limit, So It's Not Happ

I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.

A Native American Group Has Filed A Class-action Lawsuit Against The Government For Mismanagement Of Oil, Gas, Grazing, Timber And Other Royalties Since 1887. They're Seeking $100 Billion. Here's The Good News: The Government Has Responded What I Believe Is An Appropriate Counteroffer: A Two-cent Navajo Stamp.

Native American

Football Is American; Why Are The Romans Numering Our Bowls?!

I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.

Last Night, We Did The Threatdown -- God, It's Hard To Even Talk About This -- And For The First Time, I Didn't Mention Bears. It's Winter, They're Asleep, I Didn't Think It Would Be A Problem. But Today I See This In The Toronto Globe And Mail -- Apparently A 700-pound Polar Bear Showed Up At A Children's Hockey Game. I've Said This Before, They're After Our Kids -- They're Tender, Juicy, You Don't Even Have To Throw Away The Bones.

Protect Yourself From Muslim Vampires By Making Your Neck Non-halal.

You May Learn Sooner Than Most Generations The Hard Lesson That You Must Always Make The Path For Yourself...there Is No Secret Society Out There That Will Tap You On Your Shoulder One Night And Show You The Way.

Keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.

It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.

I'm Not A Truthiness Fanatic, I'm Truthiness's Father.

Sorry, But Retirement Offends Me. You Don’t Just Stop Fighting In The Middle Of A War Because Your Legs Hurt. So Why Do You Get To Stop Working In The Middle Of Your Life Just Because Your Prostate Hurts? That’s Desertion.

Class Is A Way Of Looking At Society That Divides People Into Different Categories Based On How Much Money They're Willing To Make.

I Would Say Laughter Is The Best Medicine. But It's More Than That. It's An Entire Regime Of Antibiotics And Steroids.

I Believe Sarah Palin Is A True Statesman, Whose Experience As A Failed Vice Presidential Candidate, Half-term Governor And Eight-episode Reality Star Has Fully Prepared Her To Take Control Of Our Nuclear Arsenal.

I Believe That People, More Often Than Not, Act With The Best Possible Intentions. And When They Don't, That's Funny To Me. That's Why Comedy Ends Up Seeming Cynical, Because You're Talking About The Gap Between What People Say And What They Do.

The Yankees' Facebook Page Was Hacked. The Hacker Was Immediately Purchased And Signed To A 5 Year Contract With The Yankees.

When The President Decides Something On Monday, He Still Believes It On Wednesday - No Matter What Happened Tuesday.

This Is A Crucial Time In The Fight For Corporate Civil Rights. Just Look At The Hateful Signs At Occupy Wallstreet: 'corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I Thought We Were Past The Point In This Country Where Some People Aren't People Just Because They Have Different Color Skin Or Different Religion Or Were Born In A Lawyer's Office, Only Exist On Paper, Have No Soul And Can Never Die.

Researchers From Britain's Keele University Have Found That Swearing After An Injury May Help Alleviate Pain. Evidently, The Pain That You Feel Is Inversely Proportional To The Number Of Middle Names You Give Jesus.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry. That's Why I Never Apologize To My Mirror.

John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Unless, Out Of Habit, He Blocks His Own Confirmation.

For Me, Improvisation Is About Working With A Partner. That Is Much Easier To Do In The Interview, Because You Have A Sounding Board.

If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics. Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us. Cynics Always Say No. But Saying “yes” Begins Things. Saying “yes” Is How Things Grow. Saying “yes” Leads To Knowledge. “yes” Is For Young People. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say “yes'.

Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.

Cynics Always Say No. Saying Yes Leads To Knowledge. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say Yes.

Mitt Romney's Email Was Hacked! So If You Start Getting Messages That Sound Like They're From A Bot, He's Fixed The Problem.

Attack Life, It's Going To Kill You Anyway.

You Should Spend More Time With Your Families; Write That Novel You've Always Wanted To Write. You Know, The One About The Fearless Reporter Who Stands Up To The Administration. You Know - Fiction.

The Interesting Thing About Fake News And Fake Media Is That It's A Heresy Against Reality. Again, As A Catholic, I Was Taught That The Greatest Sin Was Heresy. Because Not Only Are You A Sinner, You Are Proselytizing And Inviting Other People Into Your Sinful State Through Your Heresy. You're A Recruiter For Your Own Fallen State. Donald Trump Is A Heretic Against Reality. Basically, He's Lying For Sport. He's Inviting People Into His Heresy That There Is No Objective Reality.

So If Animals Aren't Our Friends, Then What Are They? The Answer Can Be Summed Up Between Two Buns.

I Don't Like Books, They're All Fact, No Heart.

I Know That The Pope's Infallible, But That Doesn't Mean He Can't Make Mistakes.

Leaving Religious Texts Open Too Interpretation Is The Downfall Of Religion Itself. If It Is Truly The Word Of God Then There Is No Room For Interpretation; You Either Take All Of It Or None. There Is No Selective Belief

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

Agnostics Are Just Atheists Without Balls.

Obama Avoided The Vietnam Draft With A Letter From His Family Doctor Diagnosing Him As Medically Eight.

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

I Believed In Global Warming After Al Gore's Movie Made Money; The Market Had Spoken.

The Only Thing That Gets Me High Is The Musky Scent Of My Enemy's Fear

Bill Moyers Is Everything I Never Aspire To Be: Calm, Thoughtful, And Informative.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

You Seem Cynical Because You're Always Talking About That Selfish Behavior That's Dressed Up As Altruism. It Doesn't Mean There Isn't Altruism. It Just Means That It's Harder To Make Jokes About Altruism.

I Love Making Observations. That One Is A Classic Example.

Northwestern's Alumni List Is Truly Impressive. This University Has Graduated Best-selling Authors, Olympians, Presidential Candidates, Grammy Winners, Peabody Winners, Emmy Winners, And That's Just Me!

I Don't Get Why The Government Is The Only One That Gets To Print Money.

As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.

I Like Talking About People Who Don't Have Any Power And It Seems Like Some Of The Least Powerful People In The United States Are The Migrant Workers Who Come And Do Our Work And Don't Have Any Rights As A Result. And Yet We Still Invite Them To Come Here, And At The Same Time Ask Them To Leave.

I Began My Day As I Often Begin My Days, By Checking Donald Trump's Twitter Feed To See How Far The Crazy Has Spread. And Today, I Really Think He's Off His Meds, Because Today He Went From Crazy To Cruel.

I've Said It A Million Times: Romance Languages Lead To Premarital Sex.

It's Like Boxing A Glacier. Enjoy That Metaphor, By The Way, Because Your Grandchildren Will Have No Idea What A Glacier Is.

Forgot To Live-tweet The Election Last Night, So I'm Post-tweeting Today. I'll Start As Soon As My Fingers Unclench From Their Rage Fists.

You Don't Look Up Truthiness In A Book, You Look It Up In Your Gut.

I'm Not Here To Affect You Politically Or Socially. I'm Here To Make You Laugh. I Use The News As The Palette For My Jokes.

Anyone Can Read The News To You. I Promise To Feel The News At You.

And When Those Bombs Went Off, There Were Runners Who, After Finishing A Marathon, Kept Running For Another Two Miles To The Hospital To Donate Blood. So, Here's What I Know - These Maniacs May Have Tried To Make Life Bad For The People Of Boston, But All They Can Ever Do, Is Show Just How Good Those People Are.

I Suppose Fear Is Like A Drug. A Little Bit Isn't That Bad, But You Can Get Addicted To The Consumption And Distribution Of It.

An Apple A Day Keeps Anyone Away, If You Throw It Hard Enough.

No Matter How You Were Born, No Matter How You Identify, I Want To Be Clear That I Would Be Proud To Grind You Up And Eat You.

Thankfully, Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses.

I'm An Actor. I Hate To Blow Everyone's Illusions.

Can You Really Put A Price On Annoying Two Religions At Once?

I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Fight You To The Death For The Right To Fight You To The Death.

Divorce Is Marital Welfare.it’s Just Couples Asking Society To Bail Them Out Because They Didn’t Do Enough Research Before They Got Married.

Here's An Easy Way To Figure Out If You're In A Cult: If You're Wondering Whether You're In A Cult, The Answer Is Yes.

Give A Man A Suicide Bomb, He Blows Up Once. Teach A Man To Suicide Bomb, He Also Blows Up Once.

The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You.

Warmth Is To Sun, As Truth Is To Me.

In America, We Know To Ignore Artists If They're Serious In Any Way.

Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.

I'm Just Very Interested In What My Guests Have To Say. You Have To Be Vigilant To Stay Ignorant.

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

Some People Perceive Me As An Assassin Or At Least Someone Who Can Slip Under Your Guard With A Knife. But If You Watch What I Do, That's Almost Never The Case. I'm Just Trying To Keep The Balloon In The Air. It Rarely Turns Into Anything Combative.

Not Living In Fear Is A Great Gift, Because Certainly These Days We Do It So Much. And Do You Know What I Like About Comedy? You Can't Laugh And Be Afraid At The Same Time - Of Anything. If You're Laughing, I Defy You To Be Afraid.

If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

I Love Being Onstage. I Love The Relationship With The Audience. I Love The Letting Go, The Sense Of Discovery, The Improvising.

Young Girls Are Obsessed With Having A Thigh Gap. I Blame The Impossible Body Standards Set By Spongebob.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character.

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

I'd Forgotten What An Honest Sandwich It Is. For Those Of You Not Familiar, 'blt' Stands For 'bacon, Lettuce, And Tomato.' A Lot Of People Think The 'b' Stands For 'bread,' And I Can Understand Someone Not Wanting A Lettuce And Tomato Sandwich. But, The Bread Is Implied In The Word 'sandwich.' Anyway, It's An American Original. Everyone Should Have A Blt As Soon As They Can.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

Used Books Are The Sluts Of The Literary World. Passed Around From Person To Person, Spreading Their Pages For Anyone, Getting Cheaper And Cheaper Until Eventually They End Up In Prison.

I Do My Show Half-hour A Night Four Nights A Week. I Haven't Seen My Kids In 18 Months, And I Am Losing Calcium In My Bones. Doctors Say I Should Stop. I'm Not Going To.

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

If Jesus Doesn't Have A Sense Of Humor, I Am In Huge Trouble.

I May Be Just An Empty Flesh Terminal Reliant On Technology For All My Ideas, Memories And Relationships, But I Am Confident That All Of That Everything That Makes Me A Unique Human Being Is Still Out There Somewhere, Safe In A Theoretical Storage Space Owned By Giant, Multinational Corporations.

And Though I Am A Committed Christian, I Believe Everyone Has The Right To Their Own Religion - Be You Hindu, Jewish, Or Muslim, I Believe There Are Infinite Paths To Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Savior.

The Lead Singer Of Creed Says He Won’t Endorse President Obama. Well That Settles It -- Obama Will Not Win The 1998 Presidential Election.

Citizens United Said That Transparency Would Be The Disinfectant, But (c)(4)'s Are Warm, Wet, Moist Incubators. There Is No Disinfectant.

Citizens United

I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.

Like All Great Theologies, Bill [o'reilly]'s Can Be Boiled Down To One Sentence: There Must Be A God, Because I Don't Know How Things Work.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

The Skinnification Of America's Jeanscape Has Gone Too Far.

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

Facebook Stock Continues To Plummet. People Started Selling Once They Found Out Their Mom Bought It Too.

We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

In 1986, Our Commencement Speaker Was George Schultz, Secretary Of State, Fourth In Line To The President. You Get Me-basic Cable's Second Most Popular Fake Newsman. At This Rate, The Class Of 2021 Will Be Addressed By A Zoo Parrot In A Mortar-board That Has Been Trained To Say "congratulations.

Congratulations

It's Much Better To Invite The Audience To Be Part Of Your Show Rather Than Saying, "i Command You To Do This." The Other Thing Is, You Have To Follow Through. If You Initiate A Game And They Take Part, You Can't Stop Until It Reaches A Mutually Satisfying Resolution.

A Press That Has Validity Is A Press That Has Authority. And As Soon As There's Any Authority To What The Press Says, You Question The Authority Of The Government - It's Like The Existence Of Another Authority.

If You're Doing Nothing Wrong, You Have Nothing To Hide From The Giant Surveillance Apparatus The Government's Been Hiding.

I'm Not A Standup. I Didn't Start Off As A Writer, I Learned To Write Through Improvisation, And So That's The Part Of The Show That Can Most Surprise Me. The Written Part Of The Show, I Know I Can Get Wrong. You Can't Really Get The Interview "wrong."

If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

If You're A Perfectionist And You Know You're About To Do Something At Which You Cannot Be Perfect, Then That Is Daunting Because You Know What Your Heart Is Like And The Way You Approach Your Work.

There's Nothing More I Love Than Mcdonald's Dollar Menu. With Just The Change I Find Between My Couch Cushions, I Can Eat Something With The Nutritional Value Of A Couch Cushion.

If We Raise Taxes On Corporations, What Incentive Will They Have To Make Money Other Than The Fact That It's The Sole Reason They Exist.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

If I Had Free Time To Go To Los Angeles To Shoot A Movie, I Would Rather Spend It With My Kids.

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

I'm Getting Angry At Liberals.

Truthiness Is "what I Say Is Right, And [nothing] Anyone Else Says Could Possibly Be True." It's Not Only That I Feel It To Be True, But That I Feel It To Be True. There's Not Only An Emotional Quality, But There's A Selfish Quality.

Wikipedia Is The First Place I Go When I'm Looking For Knowledge... Or When I Want To Create Some.

It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.

Making A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

Better Tomorrow

I Gotta Tell You, I Do Not Envy Whoever They Try To Put In David Letterman's Chair. Folks Those Are Some Huge Shoes To Fill, And Some Really Big Pants.

The Shamrock Is A Religious Symbol. St. Patrick Said The Leaves Represented The Trinity: The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit. That's Why Four Leaf Clovers Are So Lucky, You Get A Bonus Jesus.

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.

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Courtney Thorne Smith

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