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Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

-Stephen Colbert

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Never Throw Caution To

Stephen Colbert

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Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

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I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.

Join Me In Standing Up Against Any Actual Knowledge About Guns. Let The Cdc Know They Can Take Away Our Ignorance When The Pry It From Our Cold Dead Minds.

Some Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are Doomed To Repeat It.' I Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are In For A Big Surprise.'

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

I've Said It A Million Times: Romance Languages Lead To Premarital Sex.

We All Deserve Credit For This New Surveillance State That We Live In Because We The People Voted For The Patriot Act. Democrats And Republicans Alike....we Voted For The People Who Voted For It, And Then Voted For The People Who Reauthorized It, Then Voted For The People Who Re-re-authorize D It.

Surveillance State

This Is America. I Don't Want A Tomato Picked By A Mexican. I Want It Picked By An American, Then Sliced By A Guatemalan And Served By A Venezuelan In A Spa Where A Chilean Gives Me A Brazilian.

The Cost Of Living Keeps Going Up, Although Death Is Surprisingly Affordable.

When I Read Books It's To Escape. It's So I Don't Have To Talk To People.

Contraception Leads To More Babies Being Born Out Of Wedlock, Like Fire Extinguishers Lead To More Fires.

Internet Users, That Blue Screen Of Death You Were Looking At This Morning? That's The Sky. If You're Still Confused, Look It Up On Wikipedia Tomorrow.

If I Had Free Time To Go To Los Angeles To Shoot A Movie, I Would Rather Spend It With My Kids.

Cynics Always Say No. Saying Yes Leads To Knowledge. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say Yes.

Cynicism Is An Enormous Problem. I'm Actually A Hopeful Person. But The Way To Stay Hopeful Is To Acknowledge And To Not Accept What Is Absolutely Amoral, Mentally Ill Behavior As Normal.

A Mother Needs To Be In The Home Even When The Kids Aren’t. A Messy House Sends A Coded Message To Children: “i’m Not Loveable. Otherwise Mother Would Dust.

You Should Spend More Time With Your Families; Write That Novel You've Always Wanted To Write. You Know, The One About The Fearless Reporter Who Stands Up To The Administration. You Know - Fiction.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.

Thanksgiving Is A Magical Time Of Year When Families Across The Country Join Together To Raise America's Obesity Statistics. Personally, I Love Thanksgiving Traditions: Watching Football, Making Pumpkin Pie, And Saying The Magic Phrase That Sends Your Aunt Storming Out Of The Dining Room To Sit In Her Car.

It's Clear That When We're This Outnumbered By The Creatures, We Have To Take A Page From The British Empire And Rule The Lesser Species Through Intimidation. That's Why The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do As A Human Is To Dominate An Animal. Need More Proof?rule Over The Fish Of The Sea And The Birds Of The Air And Over Every Living Creature That Moves On The Ground. I'd Say That About Covers It.

Naturally The U.s. Trails In Gold Medals Because Every Time We Win One, We Hand It Over To The Chinese To Pay Off Our Debt.

London Olympics

Nothing Reassures Parents More Than Surrounding Their Kids With The Kind Of Guys Who Have A Lot Of Weapons And Nothing To Do On Weekdays.

I Don't Want Someone Shoving His Views Down My Throat, Unless They're Covered In A Crunchy Candy Shell.

I Hold A Little Fundraiser Every Day. Its Called Going To Work.

Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.

I Suppose Fear Is Like A Drug. A Little Bit Isn't That Bad, But You Can Get Addicted To The Consumption And Distribution Of It.

If I Ever Succumbed To The Demon On My Shoulder Going, "you Should Get Something Special Because You're Famous," That Is The Moment That My Behavior Will Be Caught On Social Media For All Time. I'm Even Afraid To Use It To Get A Reservation. This Is The Person Who Will Tweet, "can You Believe What This A-hole Did?"

The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach...just Make Sure You Thrust Upward Through His Ribcage.

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

It's Hard To Swallow Your Pride. That's Why I Slather Mine In Mayonnaise.

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

What Are The Origins Of Dressage? Did Just, One Day, Some Young Horse Say To His Dad, 'dad, I Don't Want To Charge Into Battle...i Just Wanna Dance'?

If Someone Does Offer You A Job, Say 'yes.' You Can Always Quit Later. Then At Least You'll Be One Of The Unemployed As Opposed To One Of The Never-employed. Nothing Looks Worse On A Resume Than Nothing.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

You Don't Want To Just Do A Joke Because It Works - We Can Make A Lot Of Jokes Work - You Want To Do A Joke Because It Will Hopefully Build Into An Argument.

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

For Me, Improvisation Is About Working With A Partner. That Is Much Easier To Do In The Interview, Because You Have A Sounding Board.

I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

History Moves Fast. It's Hard To Believe That Gay Americans Achieved Full Constitutional Personhood Just Five Years After Corporations Did!

If The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul, Then Why Does It Hurt When I Spray Them With Windex?

Window To The Soul

They Say The Only People Who Tell The Truth Are Drunkards And Children. Guess Which One I Am.

Telling The Truth

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

I Believe That The Government That Governs Best Is A Government That Governs Least, And By These Standards We Have Set Up A Fabulous Government In Iraq.

So, If I'm No Cheerleader Of Sports, Why Write A Chapter About It? Sports Do Have Some Positive Impact On Society. They Solve Problems, Such As How To Get Inner-city Kids To Spend $175 On Shoes. They Serve As A Backdrop For Some Of Our Most Memorable Commercials. And They Remain The One And Only Relevant Application Of Math. Not Only That, But We Have Sports To Thank For Most Of The Last Century's Advances In Manliness. The System Starts In School, Where Gym Class Separates The Men From The Boys. Then Those Men Are Taught To Be Winners, Or At Least, Losers That Hate Themselves.

My Character Is Self-important, Poorly Informed, Well-intentioned But An Idiot. So We Said, `let's Give Him A Promotion.'

Texas Governor Rick Perry Has Been In The Race Only Three Days, And He's Already Blowing Away The Competition Like It Is A Trespassing Coyote.

Winning The Nobel Prize Does Not Automatically Qualify You To Be Commander In Chief. I Think George Bush Has Proved Definitively That To Be President, You Don't Need To Care About Science, Literature Or Peace.

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

I Can't Be Gay! I'm A Happily Married Conservative, Just Like Ted Haggard And Larry Craig.

Pain Is The Body's Way Of Telling The Brain It's In Trouble. Similarly, Confusion Is The Brain's Way Of Telling The Body, 'all Right, Buddy, Drop That Book.

Clearly, America Has No Shortage Of Metaphorical Opportunities For The Poor.

Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty.

Nasa Scientists Have Discovered A New Form Of Life, Unfortunately, It Won't Date Them Either.

(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.

Democrats Lead In All The Polls By At Least Ten Points, Except One.. Fox News. That Is With A Margin Of Error Of Plus Or Minus The Facts.

Obamacare Takes Effect In Less Than Eight Months. Do You Realize What This Means? If You Go To The Emergency Room Now, You'll Be Covered By The Time You Finally See A Doctor.

I Used To Write Things For Friends. There Was This Girl I Had A Crush On, And She Had A Teacher She Didn't Like At School. I Had A Real Crush On Her, So Almost Every Day I Would Write Her A Little Short Story Where She Would Kill Him In A Different Way.

I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.

We Claim No Respectability. There's No Status I Would Not Surrender For A Joke. So We Don't Have To Defend Anything.

I’m The Frosting On America’s Cake, And Tonight I’m Willing To Let You Lick The Bowl.

Now, For My Younger Viewers Out There, A Book Is Something We Used To Have Before The Internet. It’s Sort Of A Blog For People With Attention Spans.

I Believed In Global Warming After Al Gore's Movie Made Money; The Market Had Spoken.

I'm Not Here To Affect You Politically Or Socially. I'm Here To Make You Laugh. I Use The News As The Palette For My Jokes.

I'd Forgotten What An Honest Sandwich It Is. For Those Of You Not Familiar, 'blt' Stands For 'bacon, Lettuce, And Tomato.' A Lot Of People Think The 'b' Stands For 'bread,' And I Can Understand Someone Not Wanting A Lettuce And Tomato Sandwich. But, The Bread Is Implied In The Word 'sandwich.' Anyway, It's An American Original. Everyone Should Have A Blt As Soon As They Can.

Of Course! Jeb Bush! America Is Hungry For Another Leader From That Talented Family!

If You Love Friends, You Will Serve Your Friends. If You Love Community, You Will Serve Your Community. If You Love Money, You Will Serve Your Money. And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

Facebook Stock Continues To Plummet. People Started Selling Once They Found Out Their Mom Bought It Too.

News For The Godless: Religion Is Inescapable. There Has Never Been A Human Society Without Some Form Of Worship. And Don't Point To Communist Societies Like The Soviet Union - They Worshipped Blue Jeans.

We All Know Why [the Generals] Are So Critical Of The Defense Secretary. They're Being Defensive Because They Weren't Able To Implement His Brilliant Plan [on Screen: Operation 'greet Us As Liberators']. It Was So Simple: Go In With 100,000 Troops, Topple The Regime, Everybody Loves Us, And We Leave By Easter 2003. These Ex-military Men Have Their Right To Their Opinions, That's Fine. They Just Shouldn't Voice Them During A War [on Screen: 'loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

I Gut Check My Show. I Say, I Say, "gut, Gut, Does That Feel True To You?" And Gut Says, "yes It Does, Stephen. Let's Get A Grilled Cheese Sandwich."

Cheese Sandwiches

There's Nothing More I Love Than Mcdonald's Dollar Menu. With Just The Change I Find Between My Couch Cushions, I Can Eat Something With The Nutritional Value Of A Couch Cushion.

If We Don't Cut Expensive Things Like Head Start, Child Nutrition Programs, And Teachers, What Sort Of Future Are We Leaving For Our Children?

Arby's: If I Was About To Be Killed, I Would Eat It.

When My Car Runs Out Of Gas, I Buy A New One. I Don't Want To Ride Around With A Quitter.

Folks, I Don't Trust Children. They're Here To Replace Us.

Vodka Eyeballing Sounds Great, But It's A Slippery Slope. Next, You'll Be Scotch Nostriling, Tequila Nippling And, Before You Know It, Jager Tainting.

What The Right-wing In The United States Tries To Do Is Undermine The Press.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

An Apple A Day Keeps Anyone Away, If You Throw It Hard Enough.

Women Don't Want All That. Women Just Want A Partner Who Is Considerate And Attentive, Who Will Spoon With Them While Reciting Keats, And Feed Them Organic Yogurt By Candlelight On A Seaside Cliff At Sunset.

This Is A Crucial Time In The Fight For Corporate Civil Rights. Just Look At The Hateful Signs At Occupy Wallstreet: 'corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I Thought We Were Past The Point In This Country Where Some People Aren't People Just Because They Have Different Color Skin Or Different Religion Or Were Born In A Lawyer's Office, Only Exist On Paper, Have No Soul And Can Never Die.

If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

Atheism, A Religion Dedicated To Its Own Sense Of Smug Superiority.

And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

Now You'll Have To Wait For Hours In Line For Medical Care Instead Of Immediately Not Getting Any.

Cameras Are Dangerous. With No Waiting Period Or Background Check, Any Whack-job Could Just Stroll Into A Wal-mart And Walk Out With A Semi-automatic. Now, For Years I've Been Pressing For Stricter Regulations On Cameras, Especially Around Our Elected Officials. Too Many Political Lives Have Been Cut Short By Some Crazed Shooter.

America Used To Live By The Motto "father Knows Best." Now We're Lucky If "father Knows He Has Children." We've Become A Nation Of Sperm Donors And Baby Daddies.

I Won't Be Doing The New Show In Character, So We'll All Get To Find Out How Much Of Him Was Me. I'm Looking Forward To It.

Looking Forward

You Don't Look Up Truthiness In A Book, You Look It Up In Your Gut.

Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character.

Throughout Human History, Countries Rise And Fall. But Not America-we Continue To Rise And Rise, Like Dough, Until Jesus Bakes Us In The Fiery Afterscape Of The Rapture.

The Most Common Thing That Real Reporters Say To Me Is, "i Wish I Could Say What You Say." What I Don't Understand Is, Why Can't They Say What I Say, Even In Their Own Way? Does That Mean They Want To Be Able To Name Certain Bald Contradictions Or Hypocrisies That Politicians Have?

Even The Weather Page Is In A State Of Moral Decay. What?s Wrong With Red, White And Blue, Usa Today? This Rainbow Weather Map Is Just Another Example Of The Homometerological Agenda.

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

President Bush Has Embarked On An Eight-day Tour Of The Continent. He Hopes This One Goes Better Than The Other Ones He's Made Recently. Obviously He's Not Doing That Well In North America [on Screen: '36% Approval'], His South American Trip Had A Few Bumps [on Screen: 'angry Mobs Of Torch-carrying Bumps'], Europe Seems To Think The President Doesn't Care What They Think, But Hey, Who Cares What They Think? They Could At Least Thank Him For What He's Done For Their Burning Effigy Industry.

I've Got Butterflies In My Stomach... Because I Ate A Cocoon Quesadilla!

Republicans And Nerds Have So Much In Common -- They Both Live In Fantasy Worlds And Have No Idea How To Relate To Women.

So What? A Lobbyist Cheated Indian Tribes Out Of $25 Million Then Laundered Their Money Through Phony Christian Charities Trying To Stop Other Indian Tribes From Getting Casinos [on Screen: 'thou Shalt Not Compete'] And Bribe Congressmen In The Process. Know What I Call That? I Call That Business As Usual In Washington. [on Screen: 'screwing Indians']

Liberals Want To Burn The Flag, But Progressives Just Want To Microwave It?

Last Night Was Super Tuesday - A 10-state Gop Primary Orgy. A Big, Sweaty Pile Of Lever-yankin Republican Voters. And Like Most Orgies, It Involves A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Who Are Not Appealing To Women.

In America, We Know To Ignore Artists If They're Serious In Any Way.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword, If You Shoot That Pen Out Of A Gun

Luckily, A Recent Survey Published In The American Sociological Review Revealed That Atheists Are The Least Trusted Group In America—less Trusted, Even, Than Homosexuals. It Makes Sense At Least We Trust The Homosexuals With Our Hair.

Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

The Interesting Thing About Fake News And Fake Media Is That It's A Heresy Against Reality. Again, As A Catholic, I Was Taught That The Greatest Sin Was Heresy. Because Not Only Are You A Sinner, You Are Proselytizing And Inviting Other People Into Your Sinful State Through Your Heresy. You're A Recruiter For Your Own Fallen State. Donald Trump Is A Heretic Against Reality. Basically, He's Lying For Sport. He's Inviting People Into His Heresy That There Is No Objective Reality.

Global Warming Isn't Real Because I Was Cold Today! Also Great News: World Hunger Is Over Because I Just Ate.

I Hadn't Intended To End Up There. I Meant To Be A Serious Actor With A Beard Who Wore A Lot Of Black And Wanted To Share His Misery With You.

‎you Cannot Correct An Old Person Every Time They Say Something Offensive. You Would Never Make It Through Thanksgiving Dinner!

North Korea Is Willing To Go To Any Lengths For The Whole World To Honor Its Demands Of 'ooh, Please Pay Attention To Us.'

But You Are Also The Biggest Threat Of All ...you Are A Gay Person I Like. Your Threat Is That You Make Being Gay Seem Non-threatening. It's Almost As If Your Happiness Does Not Take Mine Away.

Other People's Deconstruction Of Your Motivations Doesn't Help You Do What You Do. You Can't Swallow And Think About Swallowing At The Same Time.

Cardinal Dolan, Of Course, Has A Very, Very Hard Job: Trying To Hold Up Catholic Family Values In Sexually Liberal New York City. I'm Not Saying New York Is The Gay Mecca. But It's At Least Gay-rusalem.

And My Daughter Said, 'why Are You Yelling At Us?' And I Said, 'i'm Trying To Discipline You!' And Then She Looked Up At Me With Her Tear-stained Eyes And Said, 'this Is How You Teach Children, By Making Them Cry.' And It Was Such A Clenching Reminder - She Won Not Only The Argument, But She Won Life With That Statement. I Just Burst Out Laughing, And I Think They Were So Surprised That I Burst Out Laughing, That They Did Too.

Take It From Me, There's Nothing Like A Job Well Done, Except The Quiet Enveloping Darkness At The Bottom Of A Bottle Of Jim Beam After A Job Done Any Way At All.

So If Animals Aren't Our Friends, Then What Are They? The Answer Can Be Summed Up Between Two Buns.

Jesus Forgives Sinners, Not Criminals.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

Status Is Always Ripe For Satire, Status Is Always Good For Comedy.

People Would Say, "oh, You Say You Just Do Jokes." I Don't Just Do Jokes. I Do Jokes. Jokes Are Important. They Saved My Life When I Was Younger. Hopefully We're Making Things Nicer At The End Of The Day For People. That's The Entire Goal, And That's The Touchstone And The North Star For The Tone.

It Is A Well Known Fact That Reality Has Liberal Bias.

Made No Mistake: America Is A Christian Nation. The Bedrock Of Our Theo-democracy Is Our Judeo-christian Values. That Term, By The Way, Is A Bit Of A Misnomer. It Implies That Christianity And Judaism Are Equal.

Shamelessness Is A Wonderful Part Of The Character.

You May Learn Sooner Than Most Generations The Hard Lesson That You Must Always Make The Path For Yourself...there Is No Secret Society Out There That Will Tap You On Your Shoulder One Night And Show You The Way.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

President Bush, Have A Hot Dog With Me.

It's A Game. That's Why We Call It 'the News.' It's Just A Game.

I've Always Been A Big Fan Of Beauty. Sure, You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover But Who Wants To Have Sex With A Book?

Here's An Easy Way To Figure Out If You're In A Cult: If You're Wondering Whether You're In A Cult, The Answer Is Yes.

Will Herman Cain Become The First Black President That I Acknowledge? I Call Him A Dark Horse Because He's An Unlikely Candidate Who Surged Forward, And Not Because He's A Horse.

Now, I Don't See Color. People Tell Me I'm White And I Believe Them Because Police Officers Call Me 'sir'.

My Mom Kind Of Led Me Toward Acting. She Wanted To Be An Actress When She Was Younger. That Made Me Interested In It When I Was A Kid, Because She And I Are Very Close.

Am I Proud Of Being Straight? No. You Know Why? Because If I Start Acting Proud, That's Going To Make Me Seem Kind Of Gay.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry. That's Why I Never Apologize To My Mirror.

It's Like Boxing A Glacier. Enjoy That Metaphor, By The Way, Because Your Grandchildren Will Have No Idea What A Glacier Is.

The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You. You Know What I Mean? I’ve Always Liked That Phrase “he Was Visited By Grief,” Because That’s Really What It Is. Grief Is Its Own Thing. It’s Not Like It’s In Me And I’m Going To Deal With It. It’s A Thing, And You Have To Be Okay With Its Presence. If You Try To Ignore It, It Will Be Like A Wolf At Your Door.

I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

Don't Be Bitter. Everybody Suffers. If You Can Accept Your Suffering Then You Will Understand Other People Better. Be Grateful For Pain. Love Life.

I Hope People'll Find Out Pretty Quickly That The Guy They Saw For 10 Years Was My Sense Of Humor The Whole Time.

'sympathy For The Devil' Is Just Another Way Of Saying 'compassionate Conservative'.

I Love Being Onstage. I Love The Relationship With The Audience. I Love The Letting Go, The Sense Of Discovery, The Improvising.

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

I'm Disappointed That My Own Catholic Church Has Decided That Capital Punishment Is Wrong. Which Is Pretty Hypocritical If You Think About It, Because They Wouldn't Even Have A Religion If It Wasn't For Capital Punishment.

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

The Yankees' Facebook Page Was Hacked. The Hacker Was Immediately Purchased And Signed To A 5 Year Contract With The Yankees.

(on Fox News).... It's Like Watching A Disney Movie About The News.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

Christianity Is The Best Way To Cure Gayness — Just Get On Your Knees, Take A Swig Of Wine, And Accept The Body Of A Man Into Your Mouth.

Nothing Is More Vintage Than Dying Of Rubella.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

I'm Off For Two Weeks, So Until I Get Back, Take The Characters In This Tweet And Parcel Them Out One Per Day. Use This Q Wisely.

Of The Over 100,000 Wildfires That Happen In The U.s. Each Year, Not A Single One Would Get Started Without The Fire Triangle: Oxygen, Heat And Fuel. Fire Needs All Three To Exist. It's Like The Three Branches Of Our Government: Legislative, Judicial And Executive. The Fewer There Are, The Safer We Are.

Charles Darwin Got Totally Hammered, Woke Up Next To A Monkey And Decided He Had To Come Up With A Theory To Make It All Okay.

Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.

Think Books Aren't Scary? Well, Think About This: You Can't Spell "book" Without "boo!

I May Not Agree With What You Have To Say But I Will Fight You To The Death For The Right To Fight You To The Death.

I'm Fascinated That People Drawn To Cults Want To Know What To Do. And People Want To Know What To Think. And People Want To Know How To Feel. Not Just What To Feel But How To Feel.

Atheism: The Religion Devoted To The Worship Of One's Own Smug Sense Of Superiority.

Try To Love Others And Serve Others And Hopefully Find Those Who Love And Serve You In Return.

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

Mitt Romney's Email Was Hacked! So If You Start Getting Messages That Sound Like They're From A Bot, He's Fixed The Problem.

I Like Talking About People Who Don't Have Any Power And It Seems Like Some Of The Least Powerful People In The United States Are The Migrant Workers Who Come And Do Our Work And Don't Have Any Rights As A Result. And Yet We Still Invite Them To Come Here, And At The Same Time Ask Them To Leave.

Sorry, But Retirement Offends Me. You Don’t Just Stop Fighting In The Middle Of A War Because Your Legs Hurt. So Why Do You Get To Stop Working In The Middle Of Your Life Just Because Your Prostate Hurts? That’s Desertion.

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.

Sorry To Disappoint The Liberals Who Tuned In Tonight To Gloat About Obama's Lead In Every Poll, But I Am Not Worried. Mccain May Be Behind, But The Man Is A Fighter. He Doesn't Know The Meaning Of The Word 'quit.' He Used To, But It Was Stored In The Same Part Of His Brain That Remembered To Vet His Running Mate.

A Native American Group Has Filed A Class-action Lawsuit Against The Government For Mismanagement Of Oil, Gas, Grazing, Timber And Other Royalties Since 1887. They're Seeking $100 Billion. Here's The Good News: The Government Has Responded What I Believe Is An Appropriate Counteroffer: A Two-cent Navajo Stamp.

Native American

Isn't An Agnostic Just An Atheist Without Balls?

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk. By This Time Tomorrow, It'll Be Free Yogurt.

I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.

I Thought Black Friday Was When Everyone Puts On Blackface And Steals Children From Wal-mart.

I Believe That People, More Often Than Not, Act With The Best Possible Intentions. And When They Don't, That's Funny To Me. That's Why Comedy Ends Up Seeming Cynical, Because You're Talking About The Gap Between What People Say And What They Do.

Give A Man A Suicide Bomb, He Blows Up Once. Teach A Man To Suicide Bomb, He Also Blows Up Once.

You Can't Swallow And Think About Your Tongue. If You Think About Your Tongue, You've Got A Giant Piece Of Meat In Your Mouth And That's A Terrible Feeling.

Scientists Have Invented A New Strain Of Cannabis Without The High. They Celebrated With Non-alcoholic Beer And Furious Dry-humping.

I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.

If You Like Battlestar Galactica...you're Probably A Huge Nerd.

There Once Was A Man Name Barack, Whose Re-election Came As A Shock. He Raised The Taxes I Pay, And Then Turned Marriage Gay. And Now He's Coming After Your Glock.

Here's How It Works: The President Makes Decisions. He's The Decider. The Press Secretary Announces Those Decisions, And You People Of The Press Type Those Decisions Down. Make, Announce, Type. Just Put 'em Through A Spell Check And Go Home. The Greatest Thing About This Man Is He's Steady. You Know Where He Stands. He Believes The Same Thing Wednesday That He Believed On Monday, No Matter What Happened Tuesday. Events Can Change; This Man's Beliefs Never Will.

In Order To Maintain An Untenable Position, You Have To Be Actively Ignorant. One Motto On The Show Is, 'keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.'

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

Pissing Off Peta Is As Easy As Pie. Delicious Kitten Pie.

Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty. People Love The President Because He's Certain Of His Choices As A Leader, Even If The Facts That Back Him Up Don't Seem To Exist. It's The Fact That He's Certain That Is Very Appealing To A Certain Section Of The Country. I Really Feel A Dichotomy In The American Populace. What Is Important? What You Want To Be True, Or What Is True?

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics. Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us. Cynics Always Say No. But Saying “yes” Begins Things. Saying “yes” Is How Things Grow. Saying “yes” Leads To Knowledge. “yes” Is For Young People. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say “yes'.

Not Living In Fear Is A Great Gift, Because Certainly These Days We Do It So Much. And Do You Know What I Like About Comedy? You Can't Laugh And Be Afraid At The Same Time - Of Anything. If You're Laughing, I Defy You To Be Afraid.

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.

When Meeting Royalty, It Is Very Important, No Matter How Excited You Are, Not To Vomit On Them. Instead, Vomit On The Nearest Commoner.

You Said In Your Book That At The End Of The Day, Every Politician Is Human. What About During The Day?

The End Of The Day

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

Take The Platypus - That Is Not A Finished Product. It Is Clearly Still In Beta.

The Only Thing That Gets Me High Is The Musky Scent Of My Enemy's Fear

Truthiness Is "what I Say Is Right, And [nothing] Anyone Else Says Could Possibly Be True." It's Not Only That I Feel It To Be True, But That I Feel It To Be True. There's Not Only An Emotional Quality, But There's A Selfish Quality.

Hey Yogurt, If You're So Cultured, How Come I Never See You At The Opera?

I Used To Play A Narcissistic-conservative Pundit. Now, I'm Just A Narcissist.

I Love Making Observations. That One Is A Classic Example.

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