Background Image

...

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

-Stephen Colbert

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

And We Didn't Have

Stephen Colbert

...

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

Views: 4

Topic

More From Stephen Colbert

My Grandfather Did Not Travel Across 4,000 Miles Of The Atlantic Ocean To See This Country Overrun By Immigrants. He Did It Because He Killed A Man Back In Ireland.

Remember, Jesus Would Rather Constantly Shame Gays Than Let Orphans Have A Family.

Cynics Always Say No. Saying Yes Leads To Knowledge. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say Yes.

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

The Lead Singer Of Creed Says He Won’t Endorse President Obama. Well That Settles It -- Obama Will Not Win The 1998 Presidential Election.

Throughout Human History, Countries Rise And Fall. But Not America-we Continue To Rise And Rise, Like Dough, Until Jesus Bakes Us In The Fiery Afterscape Of The Rapture.

Cain Understands Domestic Issues Because He Had Experience Selling Pizza; And He Understands International Issues Because Pizza Is Italian.

Everybody Loves Dogs. They're The Pizza Of The Animal Kingdom.

Cynicism Is An Enormous Problem. I'm Actually A Hopeful Person. But The Way To Stay Hopeful Is To Acknowledge And To Not Accept What Is Absolutely Amoral, Mentally Ill Behavior As Normal.

I Would Say Laughter Is The Best Medicine. But It's More Than That. It's An Entire Regime Of Antibiotics And Steroids.

So, If I'm No Cheerleader Of Sports, Why Write A Chapter About It? Sports Do Have Some Positive Impact On Society. They Solve Problems, Such As How To Get Inner-city Kids To Spend $175 On Shoes. They Serve As A Backdrop For Some Of Our Most Memorable Commercials. And They Remain The One And Only Relevant Application Of Math. Not Only That, But We Have Sports To Thank For Most Of The Last Century's Advances In Manliness. The System Starts In School, Where Gym Class Separates The Men From The Boys. Then Those Men Are Taught To Be Winners, Or At Least, Losers That Hate Themselves.

Look, Peta! If God Hadn't Wanted Us To Eat Animals, He Wouldn't Have Made Them So Darn Tasty!

You Know What I Hate About People Who Criticize You? They - They Criticize What You Say But They Never Give You Credit For How Loud You Say It.

I Actually Do Not Think That's How What's Happening To Our Government Is Going To Be Stopped. I Think People Who Are Willing To Be Civically Engaged And Believe In The Promises And The Progress Of The Last Fifty Years That Will Save This Country.

Summer Movie Idea: Take All The Sequels That Are Out Right Now, And Make Movies About Their Backstories.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

This Is A Crucial Time In The Fight For Corporate Civil Rights. Just Look At The Hateful Signs At Occupy Wallstreet: 'corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I Thought We Were Past The Point In This Country Where Some People Aren't People Just Because They Have Different Color Skin Or Different Religion Or Were Born In A Lawyer's Office, Only Exist On Paper, Have No Soul And Can Never Die.

With Late Night Show I Can Begin The Search For The Real Stephen Colbert.i Just Hope I Don't Find Him On Ashley Madison.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk-- Get Angry And Punch A Cow.

A Father Has To Be A Provider, A Teacher, A Role Model, But Most Importantly, A Distant Authority Figure Who Can Never Be Pleased. Otherwise, How Will Children Ever Understand The Concept Of God?

We Are Divided Between Those Who Think With Their Heads And Those Who Know With Their Heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If You Think About Harriet Miers, Of Course Her Nomination Is Absurd. But The President Didn't Say He Thought About His Selection. He Said This: "i Know Her Heart." Notice How He Said Nothing About Her Brain? He Didn't Have To. He Feels The Truth About Harriet Miers.

Jesus Forgives Sinners, Not Criminals.

Trump Will Not Respond To Reasoned Argument. He Will Not Be Held Accountable For The Things He Said. All You Can Do Is Point And Laugh. Because The Devil Cannot Abide Mockery.

I'm Fascinated That People Drawn To Cults Want To Know What To Do. And People Want To Know What To Think. And People Want To Know How To Feel. Not Just What To Feel But How To Feel.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

You Seem Cynical Because You're Always Talking About That Selfish Behavior That's Dressed Up As Altruism. It Doesn't Mean There Isn't Altruism. It Just Means That It's Harder To Make Jokes About Altruism.

Oh Sure, Its Fine When A Monkey Does It. But When I Throw Barrels At An Italian Plumber, They Call It A Hate Crime!

In America, We Know To Ignore Artists If They're Serious In Any Way.

There Is No Food Closer To My Heart Than Cheese. In Fact, According To My Doctor, It Has Nearly Filled My Aorta.

Winning The Nobel Prize Does Not Automatically Qualify You To Be Commander In Chief. I Think George Bush Has Proved Definitively That To Be President, You Don't Need To Care About Science, Literature Or Peace.

I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.

I Live By Syllogisms: God Is Love. Love Is Blind. Stevie Wonder Is Blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder Is God. I Don't Know What I'd Believe In If It Wasn't For That.

I'm Livin' High On The Hog, And Let Me Tell You, Hogs Make A Terrible Foundation.

Even The Weather Page Is In A State Of Moral Decay. What?s Wrong With Red, White And Blue, Usa Today? This Rainbow Weather Map Is Just Another Example Of The Homometerological Agenda.

This Is America. I Don't Want A Tomato Picked By A Mexican. I Want It Picked By An American, Then Sliced By A Guatemalan And Served By A Venezuelan In A Spa Where A Chilean Gives Me A Brazilian.

I Have No Interest In Behaving Or Thinking Cynically. But It's An Easy Trap To Be Cynical About Anything, Certainly When You're Talking About Politics Or The Media.

I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.

If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

I'm Proud Of My Ability To Understand What Somebody Else Is Trying To Do And Help Them Achieve It, Because Part Of The Aesthetic Of Improvisation Is Service. You Never Say No. Serve The Servant, Follow The Follower. And That's Very Valuable In Your Life, As Well As Very Valuable In Your Actor's Work. I'm Damn Proud Of My Ability To Help Other People Achieve Their Ideas.

My Guest Newt Gingrich Shut Down The Government During The Clinton Administration. I'll Ask Him When It's Gonna Start Working Again.

A Mother Needs To Be In The Home Even When The Kids Aren’t. A Messy House Sends A Coded Message To Children: “i’m Not Loveable. Otherwise Mother Would Dust.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

Let Freedom Ka-ching...corporations Do Everything People Do Except Breathe, Die And Go To Jail For Dumping 1.3 Million Pounds Of Pcbs In The Hudson River.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

I Believe That The Government That Governs Best Is A Government That Governs Least, And By These Standards We Have Set Up A Fabulous Government In Iraq.

If Someone Does Offer You A Job, Say 'yes.' You Can Always Quit Later. Then At Least You'll Be One Of The Unemployed As Opposed To One Of The Never-employed. Nothing Looks Worse On A Resume Than Nothing.

Thinking That Other People Might Be Better Than You Is What Makes You Canadian, Not American.

The Worst Thing About Affirmative Action Is That It Encourages Reverse Discrimination, So-called Because It Goes In The Opposite Way Of How We Naturally Discriminate.

The Liberal Gluten-free Agenda Is Turning Our Dogs Lesbian.

I Guess 14% Plus Jesus Equals Victory

In The Beginning, God Created The Heaven And The Earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, But It’s Not “in The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

I Believe That People, More Often Than Not, Act With The Best Possible Intentions. And When They Don't, That's Funny To Me. That's Why Comedy Ends Up Seeming Cynical, Because You're Talking About The Gap Between What People Say And What They Do.

Can You Really Put A Price On Annoying Two Religions At Once?

Football Is American; Why Are The Romans Numering Our Bowls?!

I Welcome Opposing Viewpoints, But I Should Warn You That You'll Be Facing Off Against The 2nd-place Finisher At The 1981 Charleston County High-school Debate Tournament. And Whatever Became Of That County Champ Who Argued In Favor Of Tractor Safety Modifications? Last Time I Checked, She Didn't Have Her Own Show.

It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

Last Night, We Did The Threatdown -- God, It's Hard To Even Talk About This -- And For The First Time, I Didn't Mention Bears. It's Winter, They're Asleep, I Didn't Think It Would Be A Problem. But Today I See This In The Toronto Globe And Mail -- Apparently A 700-pound Polar Bear Showed Up At A Children's Hockey Game. I've Said This Before, They're After Our Kids -- They're Tender, Juicy, You Don't Even Have To Throw Away The Bones.

Attack Life, It's Going To Kill You Anyway.

Gravitas Is The Soup Bone In The Stew Of Television News.

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

If Women Are Breadwinners And Men Bring Home The Bacon, Why Do People Complain About Having No Dough? I'm Confused. Also Hungry.

It's No Surprise I Am Addicted To All The Republican Presidential Candidates. They Are Like Crack -- In That They Will Devastate Black Communities.

Thankfully, Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

Take It From Me, There's Nothing Like A Job Well Done, Except The Quiet Enveloping Darkness At The Bottom Of A Bottle Of Jim Beam After A Job Done Any Way At All.

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

I've Been Accused Of Being Unambitious, But What I Do Takes Up Every Minute. I'm Executive Producer, I'm A Writer And The Host.

They Think I'm Silly. I Do Silly Things. I Fall Down And Run Into Things. I Talk To Inanimate Objects. I'll Hold A Pickup Stick To My Ear And Say, "what? What's That? I Can't Hear You

You Don't Look Up Truthiness In A Book, You Look It Up In Your Gut.

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics.

If We Raise Taxes On Corporations, What Incentive Will They Have To Make Money Other Than The Fact That It's The Sole Reason They Exist.

I Can't Prove It, But I Can Say It.

Now I Don't Know Why He's Denying Them Habeas Corpus. I Can Only Assume The Guys They Got Detained Over There Did Something Really Unforgivable. Like Remind Obama He Was Once A Professor Of Constitutional Law.

Join Me In Standing Up Against Any Actual Knowledge About Guns. Let The Cdc Know They Can Take Away Our Ignorance When The Pry It From Our Cold Dead Minds.

News For The Godless: Religion Is Inescapable. There Has Never Been A Human Society Without Some Form Of Worship. And Don't Point To Communist Societies Like The Soviet Union - They Worshipped Blue Jeans.

You Should Spend More Time With Your Families; Write That Novel You've Always Wanted To Write. You Know, The One About The Fearless Reporter Who Stands Up To The Administration. You Know - Fiction.

Now You'll Have To Wait For Hours In Line For Medical Care Instead Of Immediately Not Getting Any.

I Hadn't Intended To End Up There. I Meant To Be A Serious Actor With A Beard Who Wore A Lot Of Black And Wanted To Share His Misery With You.

I Began My Day As I Often Begin My Days, By Checking Donald Trump's Twitter Feed To See How Far The Crazy Has Spread. And Today, I Really Think He's Off His Meds, Because Today He Went From Crazy To Cruel.

Now, For My Younger Viewers Out There, A Book Is Something We Used To Have Before The Internet. It’s Sort Of A Blog For People With Attention Spans.

Truthiness Is What You Want The Facts To Be As Opposed To What The Facts Are. What Feels Like The Right Answer As Opposed To What Reality Will Support.

John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Unless, Out Of Habit, He Blocks His Own Confirmation.

In Order To Maintain An Untenable Position, You Have To Be Actively Ignorant. One Motto On The Show Is, 'keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.'

It's August, Which Means Congress Is On Recess And Mitch Mcconnell Has Shimmied Back Into The Ocean To Seek A Mate.

I Love The Internet, And The Internet Loves Me Back. Why Else Would It Offer Me So Much Sex?

One Day,i Might Be Able To Tell My Grandkids I Interviewed The Last President Of The United States.

Give A Man A Suicide Bomb, He Blows Up Once. Teach A Man To Suicide Bomb, He Also Blows Up Once.

Of Course! Jeb Bush! America Is Hungry For Another Leader From That Talented Family!

If Someone Spreads Hate Then They're Not Your Religious Leader.

It's Back To School Time. Or As Home-schoolers Call It, Stay-where-you-are Time.

America Used To Live By The Motto "father Knows Best." Now We're Lucky If "father Knows He Has Children." We've Become A Nation Of Sperm Donors And Baby Daddies.

Status Is Always Ripe For Satire, Status Is Always Good For Comedy.

In Order To Be A Top-tier Candidate, I Need 7.5 Million Dollars, And I Currently Have 0.0 Million Dollars.

Ignorance Is Bliss. Oedipus Ruined A Great Sex Life By Asking Too Many Questions.

I Gotta Tell You, I Do Not Envy Whoever They Try To Put In David Letterman's Chair. Folks Those Are Some Huge Shoes To Fill, And Some Really Big Pants.

Think Books Aren't Scary? Well, Think About This: You Can't Spell "book" Without "boo!

Tv's Tony Snow Becomes The White House Press Secretary. How Will He Make The Difficult Transition From Fox News Reporter To Republican Apologist? ... Mr. President, It Is Time To Hire The Folks Who've Never Let You Down. Limbaugh At Health And Human Services. Hannity At State. Then Give Rummy The Medal Of Freedom And Install Bill O'reilly As Secretary Of Defense. Only Problem, You Might Find Yourself Invading Vermont. And I'll Replace Chertoff At Homeland Security. The Man's Done Nothing To Control The Bear Population.

Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug That Can Lead To Awful Things, Like Phish Getting Back Together.

Getting Back Together

For Me, Improvisation Is About Working With A Partner. That Is Much Easier To Do In The Interview, Because You Have A Sounding Board.

The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You. You Know What I Mean? I’ve Always Liked That Phrase “he Was Visited By Grief,” Because That’s Really What It Is. Grief Is Its Own Thing. It’s Not Like It’s In Me And I’m Going To Deal With It. It’s A Thing, And You Have To Be Okay With Its Presence. If You Try To Ignore It, It Will Be Like A Wolf At Your Door.

I Used To Play A Narcissistic-conservative Pundit. Now, I'm Just A Narcissist.

Sorry, But Retirement Offends Me. You Don’t Just Stop Fighting In The Middle Of A War Because Your Legs Hurt. So Why Do You Get To Stop Working In The Middle Of Your Life Just Because Your Prostate Hurts? That’s Desertion.

John Boehner Chose A Huge Gavel. I Think Somebody's Compensating For His Small Government.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

Global Warming Isn't Real Because I Was Cold Today! Also Great News: World Hunger Is Over Because I Just Ate.

You May Learn Sooner Than Most Generations The Hard Lesson That You Must Always Make The Path For Yourself...there Is No Secret Society Out There That Will Tap You On Your Shoulder One Night And Show You The Way.

I Used To Write Things For Friends. There Was This Girl I Had A Crush On, And She Had A Teacher She Didn't Like At School. I Had A Real Crush On Her, So Almost Every Day I Would Write Her A Little Short Story Where She Would Kill Him In A Different Way.

If You're A Perfectionist And You Know You're About To Do Something At Which You Cannot Be Perfect, Then That Is Daunting Because You Know What Your Heart Is Like And The Way You Approach Your Work.

I Know There Are Some Polls Out There Saying This Man Has A 32% Approval Rating. But Guys Like Us, We Don't Pay Attention To The Polls. We Know That Polls Are Just A Collection Of Statistics That Reflect What People Are Thinking In Reality. And Reality Has A Well-known Liberal Bias.

If We Don't Cut Expensive Things Like Head Start, Child Nutrition Programs, And Teachers, What Sort Of Future Are We Leaving For Our Children?

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics. Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us. Cynics Always Say No. But Saying “yes” Begins Things. Saying “yes” Is How Things Grow. Saying “yes” Leads To Knowledge. “yes” Is For Young People. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say “yes'.

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.

I Imagined Myself Living In New York In Some Sort Of Open, Large But Sparse Studio Apartment With A Lot Of Blond Wood And A Futon On The Floor And A Bubbling Samovar Of Tea In The Background And A Big Beard - Living Alone But With My Beard - And Doing Theater. That's What I Thought My Life Would Be.

We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.

You Gotta Learn To Love When You're Failing.... The Embracing Of That, The Discomfort Of Failing In Front Of An Audience, Leads You To Penetrate Through The Fear That Blinds You. Fear Is The Mind Killer.

Yesterday In A 25 To 24 Vote, Republicans Welcomed Back Lott Back Into Their Leadership And Named Him Minority Whip. That Is Great For Trent. They Say Minority Whip Is A Stepping Stone To Grand Wizard.

I'm Impervious To Logic.

If Obama Can Force You To Get Health Insurance Just By Calling It A Tax, Than There Is Nothing To Stop Him From Making You Gay Marry An Illegal Immigrant Wearing A Condom On A Hydroponic Pot Farm Powered By Solar Energy.

(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock

Evil Exists Because Of The Disobedience Of Satan. God Gave Satan, And The Angels, And Man Free Will. Satan Used His Free Will And Abused It By Not Obeying Authority. Hell Was Created By Satan’s Disobedience To God, And His Purposeful Removal From God’s Love—which Is What Hell Is. Removing Yourself From God’s Love. You Send Yourself To Hell. God Does Not Send You There.

Atheism, A Religion Dedicated To Its Own Sense Of Smug Superiority.

I Hold A Little Fundraiser Every Day. Its Called Going To Work.

And That Brings Us To Tonight's Word: Truthiness. Now I'm Sure Some Of The Word-police, The 'wordanistas' Over At Websters, Are Gonna Say, 'hey, That's Not A Word!' Well, Anybody Who Knows Me Knows That I Am No Fan Of Dictionaries Or Reference Books. They're Elitist. Constantly Telling Us What Is Or Isn't True, What Did Or Didn't Happen.

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.

It's Like Boxing A Glacier. Enjoy That Metaphor, By The Way, Because Your Grandchildren Will Have No Idea What A Glacier Is.

Women Don't Want All That. Women Just Want A Partner Who Is Considerate And Attentive, Who Will Spoon With Them While Reciting Keats, And Feed Them Organic Yogurt By Candlelight On A Seaside Cliff At Sunset.

I Don't Want Someone Shoving His Views Down My Throat, Unless They're Covered In A Crunchy Candy Shell.

I've Got Butterflies In My Stomach... Because I Ate A Cocoon Quesadilla!

We're Not Talking About Truth, We're Talking About Something That Seems Like Truth - The Truth We Want To Exist.

It Is A Well Known Fact That Reality Has Liberal Bias.

I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.

Here's How It Works: The President Makes Decisions. He's The Decider. The Press Secretary Announces Those Decisions, And You People Of The Press Type Those Decisions Down. Make, Announce, Type. Just Put 'em Through A Spell Check And Go Home. The Greatest Thing About This Man Is He's Steady. You Know Where He Stands. He Believes The Same Thing Wednesday That He Believed On Monday, No Matter What Happened Tuesday. Events Can Change; This Man's Beliefs Never Will.

The Only Thing That Keeps Us Going Back To One Another Is That We're All Filled With Such Enormous Self-doubt. We Have Doubts About Our Ability To Be Alone, To Self-actualize.

...why Were You Happier When You Were A Kid? Because You Didn't Know Anything. The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

I'm Not Here To Affect You Politically Or Socially. I'm Here To Make You Laugh. I Use The News As The Palette For My Jokes.

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

I'm Proud Of My Ability To Understand What Somebody Else Is Trying To Do And Help Them Achieve It, Because Part Of The Aesthetic Of Improvisation Is Service. We Don't Lead, We Only Follow. You Never Say No. Serve The Servant, Follow The Follower. And That's Very Valuable In Your Life, As Well As Very Valuable In Your Work.

To Quote From Another Gospel, Dune By Frank Herbert, 'fear Is The Mind-killer.' ... Jesus Was The Original Muad'dib.

As A Rule, Germans Shouldn't Do Comedy. Their Last Box Office Comedy Was Nosferatu.

I Don't Trust Books. They're All Fact, No Heart. And That's Exactly What's Pulling Our Country Apart Today. Because Face It, Folks, We Are A Divided Nation. Not Between Democrats Or Republicans, Or Conservatives And Liberals, Or Tops And Bottoms. No, We Are Divided By Those Who Think With Their Head, And Those Who Know With Their Heart.

This Is America. We Must Defend The Principles Symbolized By Lady Liberty - Unless She's On The Pill, In Which Case, She Is A Giant Green Tramp.

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

Take The Platypus - That Is Not A Finished Product. It Is Clearly Still In Beta.

I Spent My First Two Years At A Small All-male College In Virginia Called Hampden-sydney. That Was Like Going To College 120 Years Ago. The Languages, A Year Of Rhetoric, All Of The Great Books, Western Man Courses, Stuff Like That.

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

Now, I Don't See Color. People Tell Me I'm White And I Believe Them Because Police Officers Call Me 'sir'.

Forgot To Live-tweet The Election Last Night, So I'm Post-tweeting Today. I'll Start As Soon As My Fingers Unclench From Their Rage Fists.

If Jesus Doesn't Have A Sense Of Humor, I Am In Huge Trouble.

Yes, Dr. King Is Pro-gun Just As Surely As Jesus Would Be Pro-nails.

Shamelessness Is A Wonderful Part Of The Character.

I Hope You All Had A Wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, As It's Known To Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Native American

My Mom Kind Of Led Me Toward Acting. She Wanted To Be An Actress When She Was Younger. That Made Me Interested In It When I Was A Kid, Because She And I Are Very Close.

Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.

I Can Really Find Something Interesting About Almost Anyone I Talk To.

Something Interesting

Today, Folks, Should Be All About Love. Unless You're Old.

Funny Valentines Day

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

I Did Learn Something Interesting [while At The Atlanta Airport]. You Have To Be A Member Of The Tsa In Order To Legally Perform A Cavity Search. My Apologies To The Staff Of Cinnabon, But You Guys Should Really Keep That Extra Frosting Where The Customers Can Find It.

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

I'm Not A Truthiness Fanatic, I'm Truthiness's Father.

Destroying A Religious Symbol And Building A Religious Center Are Really The Same Thing If You Don't Think About It.

Last Night Was Super Tuesday - A 10-state Gop Primary Orgy. A Big, Sweaty Pile Of Lever-yankin Republican Voters. And Like Most Orgies, It Involves A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Who Are Not Appealing To Women.

I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

You See, We're America The Beautiful, Not America 'well, At Least She Has A Great Personality'.

I Love Being Onstage, I Love The Relationship With The Audience.

But You Are Also The Biggest Threat Of All ...you Are A Gay Person I Like. Your Threat Is That You Make Being Gay Seem Non-threatening. It's Almost As If Your Happiness Does Not Take Mine Away.

I've Said It A Million Times: Romance Languages Lead To Premarital Sex.

Thankfully Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses. So Whatever Your Dream Is Right Now, If You Don't Achieve It, You Haven't Failed And You're Not Some Loser-but Just As Importantly-if You Do Get Your Dream, You're Not A Winner.

Republicans And Nerds Have So Much In Common -- They Both Live In Fantasy Worlds And Have No Idea How To Relate To Women.

There's Nothing Wrong With Stretching The Truth. We Stretch Taffy, And That Just Makes It More Delicious.

I'm Obviously Younger, Much Better Looking [then Jeorge W.bush].he Didn't Veto Things, He Didn't Bring Order And Fiscal Restraint.

Democrats Lead In All The Polls By At Least Ten Points, Except One.. Fox News. That Is With A Margin Of Error Of Plus Or Minus The Facts.

Agnostics Are Just Atheists Without Balls.

You Can Make An Omelette Without Breaking Eggs. It's Just A Really Bad Omelette.

Sir, Pay No Attention To The People Who Say The Glass Is Half Empty, Because 32% Means It's 2/3 Empty. There's Still Some Liquid In That Glass Is My Point, But I Wouldn't Drink It. The Last Third Is Usually Backwash. (said To President Bush At The White House Correspondents Dinner)

Sixty Eight Percent Of Republicans Don't Believe In Evolution. On The Other Hand, Only Five Percent Of Monkeys Believe In Republicans.

A Lot Of People Have Said, "oh, I, Boy, I Wish Hillary Clinton Would Just Go Away."

Apply Truth Liberally To The Inflamed Area.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

Other People's Deconstruction Of Your Motivations Doesn't Help You Do What You Do. You Can't Swallow And Think About Swallowing At The Same Time.

Senator Kerry Does Not Support Our Troops. If He Had Won The Election, There Wouldn't Be Any Troops Left In Iraq. President Bush, On The Other Hand, Has Given Our Troops An Opportunity To Fight Without End. That's Creating Jobs. In Fact, The President's Policies Helped Create 104 More Job Openings Last Month. Now Who's Stupid, Senator?

I Tell A Lot Of Young Performers, 'go Get In Trouble. Go Commit Yourself To Something You're Not Sure You Can Do.' And I Followed My Own Advice.

Wikipedia Is The First Place I Go When I'm Looking For Knowledge... Or When I Want To Create Some.

I Love The Earth. If You Ask Me It's The Greatest Planet In The World.

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

Yes, President Romney Will Not Take God Off Our Coins. And That Is So Important Because Right Now, Just Like God, The Value Of Our Currency Really Has To Be Taken On Faith.

Arby's: If I Was About To Be Killed, I Would Eat It.

Writing And Producing The Show Is An Intellectual Process. Performing The Show Is Far More Athletic And Intuitive, Because You Don't Get To Do It Twice. It Helps If You've Done Whatever The Old Saw Is, 10,000 Hours Of It. Because I've Done 10,000 Hours Of Comedy, I Have This Database In My Mind Of What Works And What Doesn't Work.

It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.

The Greatest Threat Facing American Today - Next To Voter Fraud, The Western Pinebark Beetle, And The Memory Foam Mattress - Is The National News Media.

Pissing Off Peta Is As Easy As Pie. Delicious Kitten Pie.

Nothing Is More Vintage Than Dying Of Rubella.

Charles Darwin Got Totally Hammered, Woke Up Next To A Monkey And Decided He Had To Come Up With A Theory To Make It All Okay.

So What? A Lobbyist Cheated Indian Tribes Out Of $25 Million Then Laundered Their Money Through Phony Christian Charities Trying To Stop Other Indian Tribes From Getting Casinos [on Screen: 'thou Shalt Not Compete'] And Bribe Congressmen In The Process. Know What I Call That? I Call That Business As Usual In Washington. [on Screen: 'screwing Indians']

Some Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are Doomed To Repeat It.' I Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are In For A Big Surprise.'

If I Had One Wish, It Would Be For Self-drying Pants. Wait -- No! Unlimited Wishes! How Do I Return These Stupid Pants?!

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

That’s Why Our Tvs Are Brimming With So Much Hot Man-on-pan Action. You Can’t Channel Surf For Long Without Seeing Turkey Getting Stuffed Over And Over Until They Finally Cut To The Gravy Shot.

Trending Author

Carmelo Anthony

Johann Kaspar Lavater

Lawrence Eagleburger

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Marilynne Robinson

Category