Background Image
...
I Love Being Onstage, I Love The Relationship With The Audience.
-Stephen Colbert
...
Please Wait....
Translating....

I Love Being Onstage,

Stephen Colbert
...
I Love Being Onstage, I Love The Relationship With The Audience.

Understanding the Quote: "i love being onstage, i love the relationship with the audience...."

This quote by Stephen Colbert reflects deeply on the theme of love is. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Love Is, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how Stephen Colbert interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert is celebrated for insightful thoughts on love is and motivation. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

Views: 5
Topic
Love Is
More From Stephen Colbert
Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle
Men
Perfect
Balance
It's Back To School Time. Or As Home-schoolers Call It, Stay-where-you-are Time.
Home
School
Where You Are
We Have No Desire To Make Anybody Look Like A Blithering Idiot, But We Do Love It When They Do.
Desire
Looks
Idiot
I'm Obviously Younger, Much Better Looking [then Jeorge W.bush].he Didn't Veto Things, He Didn't Bring Order And Fiscal Restraint.
Order
Veto
Restraint
Wikipedia Is The First Place I Go When I'm Looking For Knowledge... Or When I Want To Create Some.
Wikipedia
Want
Firsts
Thanksgiving Is A Magical Time Of Year When Families Across The Country Join Together To Raise America's Obesity Statistics. Personally, I Love Thanksgiving Traditions: Watching Football, Making Pumpkin Pie, And Saying The Magic Phrase That Sends Your Aunt Storming Out Of The Dining Room To Sit In Her Car.
Football
Country
Aunt
You Can't Swallow And Think About Your Tongue. If You Think About Your Tongue, You've Got A Giant Piece Of Meat In Your Mouth And That's A Terrible Feeling.
Thinking
Feelings
Meat
With Late Night Show I Can Begin The Search For The Real Stephen Colbert.i Just Hope I Don't Find Him On Ashley Madison.
Real
Night
Madison
Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!
Mean
Thinking
Waiting
Give A Man A Suicide Bomb, He Blows Up Once. Teach A Man To Suicide Bomb, He Also Blows Up Once.
Suicide
Men
Blow
For Me, Improvisation Is About Working With A Partner. That Is Much Easier To Do In The Interview, Because You Have A Sounding Board.
Boards
Interviews
Easier
When The President Decides Something On Monday, He Still Believes It On Wednesday - No Matter What Happened Tuesday.
Change
Monday
Business
While Skin And Race Are Often Synonymous, Skin Cleansing Is Good, Race Cleansing Is Bad.
Race
Skins
Cleansing
I Stand By This Man (president George W. Bush). I Stand By This Man Because He Stands For Things. Not Only For Things, He Stands On Things. Things Like Aircraft Carriers And Rubble And Recently Flooded City Squares. And That Sends A Strong Message, That No Matter What Happens To America, She Will Always Rebound.. With The Most Powerfully Staged Photo Ops In The World.
Strength
Strong
Men
I Don't Think Anybody Can With A Straight Face Say That The Russians Did Not Set Out To Influence Our Election, And They Did So.
Thinking
Election
Influence
If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate
Gay
Accepting
Made
It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.
Mind
Tricks
Highways
Of The Over 100,000 Wildfires That Happen In The U.s. Each Year, Not A Single One Would Get Started Without The Fire Triangle: Oxygen, Heat And Fuel. Fire Needs All Three To Exist. It's Like The Three Branches Of Our Government: Legislative, Judicial And Executive. The Fewer There Are, The Safer We Are.
Fire
Government
Oxygen
Naturally The U.s. Trails In Gold Medals Because Every Time We Win One, We Hand It Over To The Chinese To Pay Off Our Debt.
Funny
Winning
London Olympics
To Sit Here At The Same Table With My Hero, George W. Bush...i Feel Like I'm Dreaming. Somebody Pinch Me. You Now What, I'm A Pretty Sound Sleeper, That May Not Be Enough...somebody Shoot Me In The Face.
Funny
Dream
Hero
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... For The Truth.
Truth
Scream
X Files
I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.
Believe
Lakes
Issues
But You Are Also The Biggest Threat Of All ...you Are A Gay Person I Like. Your Threat Is That You Make Being Gay Seem Non-threatening. It's Almost As If Your Happiness Does Not Take Mine Away.
I Like You
Gay
Doe
Truthiness Is Tearing Apart Our Country, And I Don't Mean The Argument Over Who Came Up With The Word. I Don't Know Whether It's A New Thing, But It's Certainly A Current Thing, In That It Doesn't Seem To Matter What Facts Are. It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.
Country
Mean
Perception
And That Brings Us To Tonight's Word: Truthiness. Now I'm Sure Some Of The Word-police, The 'wordanistas' Over At Websters, Are Gonna Say, 'hey, That's Not A Word!' Well, Anybody Who Knows Me Knows That I Am No Fan Of Dictionaries Or Reference Books. They're Elitist. Constantly Telling Us What Is Or Isn't True, What Did Or Didn't Happen.
Book
Police
Fans
The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You.
Grief
Thinking
Interesting
I'm Disappointed That My Own Catholic Church Has Decided That Capital Punishment Is Wrong. Which Is Pretty Hypocritical If You Think About It, Because They Wouldn't Even Have A Religion If It Wasn't For Capital Punishment.
Thinking
Punishment
Catholic
There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.
Military
War
America
My Guest Newt Gingrich Shut Down The Government During The Clinton Administration. I'll Ask Him When It's Gonna Start Working Again.
Government
Guests
Administration
Will Herman Cain Become The First Black President That I Acknowledge? I Call Him A Dark Horse Because He's An Unlikely Candidate Who Surged Forward, And Not Because He's A Horse.
Horse
Dark
Black
Liberals Want To Burn The Flag, But Progressives Just Want To Microwave It?
Flags
Want
Microwaves
I'm Off For Two Weeks, So Until I Get Back, Take The Characters In This Tweet And Parcel Them Out One Per Day. Use This Q Wisely.
Character
Two
Use
Forgot To Live-tweet The Election Last Night, So I'm Post-tweeting Today. I'll Start As Soon As My Fingers Unclench From Their Rage Fists.
Night
Fists
Today
If You're A Perfectionist And You Know You're About To Do Something At Which You Cannot Be Perfect, Then That Is Daunting Because You Know What Your Heart Is Like And The Way You Approach Your Work.
Heart
Perfect
Way
Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies
Butterfly
Discovery
Opposites
I Believe Sarah Palin Is A True Statesman, Whose Experience As A Failed Vice Presidential Candidate, Half-term Governor And Eight-episode Reality Star Has Fully Prepared Her To Take Control Of Our Nuclear Arsenal.
Stars
Believe
Reality
Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.
Microsoft Word
Names
Threat
You Are About To Start The Greatest Improvisation Of All. With No Script. No Idea What's Going To Happen, Often With People And Places You Have Never Seen Before. And You Are Not In Control. So Say 'yes.' And If You're Lucky, You'll Find People Who Will Say 'yes' Back.
Graduation
Ideas
People
You Should Spend More Time With Your Families; Write That Novel You've Always Wanted To Write. You Know, The One About The Fearless Reporter Who Stands Up To The Administration. You Know - Fiction.
Writing
Fearless
Administration
Thinking That Other People Might Be Better Than You Is What Makes You Canadian, Not American.
Thinking
People
Might
You Can Make An Omelette Without Breaking Eggs. It's Just A Really Bad Omelette.
Eggs
Breaking Eggs
I Love The Internet, And The Internet Loves Me Back. Why Else Would It Offer Me So Much Sex?
Sex
Internet
Offers
I Won't Be Doing The New Show In Character, So We'll All Get To Find Out How Much Of Him Was Me. I'm Looking Forward To It.
Character
Looking Forward
Shows
I Hope People'll Find Out Pretty Quickly That The Guy They Saw For 10 Years Was My Sense Of Humor The Whole Time.
Years
People
Guy
I Love Being Onstage. I Love The Relationship With The Audience. I Love The Letting Go, The Sense Of Discovery, The Improvising.
Letting Go
Love Is
Discovery
Republicans: The Party That Brought Us 'just Say No.' First As A Drug Policy, Then As Their Entire Platform.
Party
Drug
Firsts
What Are The Origins Of Dressage? Did Just, One Day, Some Young Horse Say To His Dad, 'dad, I Don't Want To Charge Into Battle...i Just Wanna Dance'?
Horse
Dad
Battle
If Someone Spreads Hate Then They're Not Your Religious Leader.
Religious
Hate
Leader
God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.
Mysterious Ways
Welfare
Way
The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.
Knows
I Hope You All Had A Wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, As It's Known To Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.
Sarcastic
Native American
Wonderful
The Shamrock Is A Religious Symbol. St. Patrick Said The Leaves Represented The Trinity: The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit. That's Why Four Leaf Clovers Are So Lucky, You Get A Bonus Jesus.
Religious
Jesus
Father
I've Been Accused Of Being Unambitious, But What I Do Takes Up Every Minute. I'm Executive Producer, I'm A Writer And The Host.
Host
Minutes
Producers
It's Hard To Swallow Your Pride. That's Why I Slather Mine In Mayonnaise.
Pride
Mayonnaise
Hard
Republicans And Nerds Have So Much In Common -- They Both Live In Fantasy Worlds And Have No Idea How To Relate To Women.
Ideas
Nerd
World
If You Repeat It, It's True. If You Repeat It, It's True. And Through Repetition, Something Becomes True. If You Repeat It Enough. Until It Becomes True. Or Do I Need To Repeat That For You?
Needs
Facts
Enough
When Meeting Royalty, It Is Very Important, No Matter How Excited You Are, Not To Vomit On Them. Instead, Vomit On The Nearest Commoner.
Important
Matter
Excited
Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.
Communication
Balls
Speak
Status Is Always Ripe For Satire, Status Is Always Good For Comedy.
Comedy
Satire
Ripe
We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.
Mad
Achievement
Honor
After Obsessively Googling Symptoms For Four Hours, I Discovered 'obsessively Googling Symptoms' Is A Symptom Of Hypochondria.
Four
Hours
Symptoms
I Welcome Opposing Viewpoints, But I Should Warn You That You'll Be Facing Off Against The 2nd-place Finisher At The 1981 Charleston County High-school Debate Tournament. And Whatever Became Of That County Champ Who Argued In Favor Of Tractor Safety Modifications? Last Time I Checked, She Didn't Have Her Own Show.
School
Safety
Criticism
I Guess 14% Plus Jesus Equals Victory
Jesus
Victory
Plus
You Have To Do Your First Penance Before Your First Holy Communion. You're Really Young. What Do You Know? You've Got Nothing To Confess. All I Knew Was That I Was An Evil Human Whose Sins Caused The Death Of Our Lord.
Evil
Sin
Lord
We Have This Idea In Our Mind That There's A Separation Of Church And State In America, Which I Think Is A Good Thing. And We Extend That To Our Politics. Like It's Not Just Church And State, But It's Also There's A Separation Of Religion And Politics. But Of Course, There - There Isn't.
Thinking
Ideas
America
Don’t Get Me Wrong. Being A Mom Is No Picnic. Raising The Kids Is The Mother’s Responsibility. It’s A Thankless, Solitary Job, Like Sheriff Or Pope.
Mom
Mother
Jobs
I've Got Butterflies In My Stomach... Because I Ate A Cocoon Quesadilla!
Butterfly
Cocoons
Stomach
I Could Sit Toe To Toe At A Potato Table With Anybody.
Tables
Toes
Potatoes
Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.
Mistake
Gun
Lovers
I Have A Generally Liberal Audience, But They Will Applaud When I Nail A Liberal Lion.
Nails
Lions
Audience
There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).
Scandal
Bigs
Committed
(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock
Rocks
Salinger
It's Clear That When We're This Outnumbered By The Creatures, We Have To Take A Page From The British Empire And Rule The Lesser Species Through Intimidation. That's Why The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do As A Human Is To Dominate An Animal. Need More Proof?rule Over The Fish Of The Sea And The Birds Of The Air And Over Every Living Creature That Moves On The Ground. I'd Say That About Covers It.
Moving
Animal
Sea
I Love Being Onstage, I Love The Relationship With The Audience.
Love Is
If I Ever Succumbed To The Demon On My Shoulder Going, "you Should Get Something Special Because You're Famous," That Is The Moment That My Behavior Will Be Caught On Social Media For All Time. I'm Even Afraid To Use It To Get A Reservation. This Is The Person Who Will Tweet, "can You Believe What This A-hole Did?"
Believe
Special
Social Media
I Gut Check My Show. I Say, I Say, "gut, Gut, Does That Feel True To You?" And Gut Says, "yes It Does, Stephen. Let's Get A Grilled Cheese Sandwich."
Cheese Sandwiches
Doe
Grilled Cheese
Contrary To What People May Say, There's No Upper Limit To Stupidity.
People
Stupidity
May
I Began My Day As I Often Begin My Days, By Checking Donald Trump's Twitter Feed To See How Far The Crazy Has Spread. And Today, I Really Think He's Off His Meds, Because Today He Went From Crazy To Cruel.
Crazy
Thinking
Today
We All Know Why [the Generals] Are So Critical Of The Defense Secretary. They're Being Defensive Because They Weren't Able To Implement His Brilliant Plan [on Screen: Operation 'greet Us As Liberators']. It Was So Simple: Go In With 100,000 Troops, Topple The Regime, Everybody Loves Us, And We Leave By Easter 2003. These Ex-military Men Have Their Right To Their Opinions, That's Fine. They Just Shouldn't Voice Them During A War [on Screen: 'loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']
Easter
War
Military
Contraception Leads To More Babies Being Born Out Of Wedlock, Like Fire Extinguishers Lead To More Fires.
Baby
Fire
Wedlock
Yes, President Romney Will Not Take God Off Our Coins. And That Is So Important Because Right Now, Just Like God, The Value Of Our Currency Really Has To Be Taken On Faith.
Taken
Important
President
I'm Proud Of My Ability To Understand What Somebody Else Is Trying To Do And Help Them Achieve It, Because Part Of The Aesthetic Of Improvisation Is Service. You Never Say No. Serve The Servant, Follow The Follower. And That's Very Valuable In Your Life, As Well As Very Valuable In Your Actor's Work. I'm Damn Proud Of My Ability To Help Other People Achieve Their Ideas.
Helping Others
People
Trying
I Must Confess That I've Never Trusted The Web. I've Always Seen It As A Coward's Tool. Where Does It Live? How Do You Hold It Personally Responsible? Can You Put A Distributed Network Of Fiber-optic Cable "on Notice"? And Is It Male Or Female? In Other Words, Can I Challenge It To A Fight?
Responsibility
Fighting
Challenges
The Only Thing That Gets Me High Is The Musky Scent Of My Enemy's Fear
Enemy
Scent
I Did Learn Something Interesting [while At The Atlanta Airport]. You Have To Be A Member Of The Tsa In Order To Legally Perform A Cavity Search. My Apologies To The Staff Of Cinnabon, But You Guys Should Really Keep That Extra Frosting Where The Customers Can Find It.
Apology
Airports
Tsa
The Greatest Threat Facing American Today - Next To Voter Fraud, The Western Pinebark Beetle, And The Memory Foam Mattress - Is The National News Media.
Memories
Media
Foam
Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.
Hard Work
Needs
Vote
In 1986, Our Commencement Speaker Was George Schultz, Secretary Of State, Fourth In Line To The President. You Get Me-basic Cable's Second Most Popular Fake Newsman. At This Rate, The Class Of 2021 Will Be Addressed By A Zoo Parrot In A Mortar-board That Has Been Trained To Say "congratulations.
Zoos
Congratulations
Class
Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.
Strong
Thinking
Guy
Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.
Funny
Night
People
Am I Proud Of Being Straight? No. You Know Why? Because If I Start Acting Proud, That's Going To Make Me Seem Kind Of Gay.
Gay
Acting
Proud
The Summer Movies Are Coming Out. My Advice: Just Stay Home And Burn A Good Book.
Summer
Book
Home
Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.
Two
Oregon
California
Charles Darwin Got Totally Hammered, Woke Up Next To A Monkey And Decided He Had To Come Up With A Theory To Make It All Okay.
Monkeys
Next
Come Up
I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.
Real
Long
Aliens
The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach...just Make Sure You Thrust Upward Through His Ribcage.
Heart
Men
Way
Democrats Lead In All The Polls By At Least Ten Points, Except One.. Fox News. That Is With A Margin Of Error Of Plus Or Minus The Facts.
Funny
Business
Errors
I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.
Reality
Majority Vote
Fans
Not Living In Fear Is A Great Gift, Because Certainly These Days We Do It So Much. And Do You Know What I Like About Comedy? You Can't Laugh And Be Afraid At The Same Time - Of Anything. If You're Laughing, I Defy You To Be Afraid.
Humor
Laughing
Comedy
This Is America. We Must Defend The Principles Symbolized By Lady Liberty - Unless She's On The Pill, In Which Case, She Is A Giant Green Tramp.
America
Liberty
Principles
If Jesus Doesn't Have A Sense Of Humor, I Am In Huge Trouble.
Jesus
Sense Of Humor
Trouble
Destroying A Religious Symbol And Building A Religious Center Are Really The Same Thing If You Don't Think About It.
Religious
Thinking
Building
I Can't Be Gay! I'm A Happily Married Conservative, Just Like Ted Haggard And Larry Craig.
Gay
Conservative
Married
John Boehner Will Be The New Speaker Unless, Out Of Habit, He Blocks His Own Confirmation.
Block
Confirmation
Habit
Hatemongers Like Media Matters Take Innocent Statements Like Mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, And Bill O'reilly's And Make Them Offensive By Posting Them On The Internet, Allowing The General Public To Hear Words That Were Meant For People Who Already Agree With Us. Hey, Media Matters, You Want To End Offensive Speech? Then Stop Recording It For People Who Would Be Offended.
Media
People
Would Be
Usually When Donald Trump Wants To Keep Someone Out Of Military Service, He Just Fakes A Doctor's Note Saying He Has A Foot Injury. It Worked Fine For Him During Vietnam.
Military
Fake
Injury
You've Gotta Understand What Putin's Strategy Is. He Really Doesn't Like Democracy. He Thinks It's An Inconvenient, Messy Process. And He Doesn't Like Us, And He Wants To Destabilize Our Country; Sow Doubt About Our Democracy.
Country
Thinking
Doubt
‎you Cannot Correct An Old Person Every Time They Say Something Offensive. You Would Never Make It Through Thanksgiving Dinner!
Dinner
Offensive
Persons
Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.
Boys
Men
Little Boys
Atheism, A Religion Dedicated To Its Own Sense Of Smug Superiority.
Atheism
Dedicated
Superiority
The Most Common Thing That Real Reporters Say To Me Is, "i Wish I Could Say What You Say." What I Don't Understand Is, Why Can't They Say What I Say, Even In Their Own Way? Does That Mean They Want To Be Able To Name Certain Bald Contradictions Or Hypocrisies That Politicians Have?
Real
Mean
Names
You Seem Cynical Because You're Always Talking About That Selfish Behavior That's Dressed Up As Altruism. It Doesn't Mean There Isn't Altruism. It Just Means That It's Harder To Make Jokes About Altruism.
Selfish
Mean
Talking
There's A Wonderfully Cooperative Relationship Between Management And Labor Right Now. Much Like The Historic Partnership Between Oranges And A Juicer.
Orange
Management
Historic
Women Don't Want All That. Women Just Want A Partner Who Is Considerate And Attentive, Who Will Spoon With Them While Reciting Keats, And Feed Them Organic Yogurt By Candlelight On A Seaside Cliff At Sunset.
Sunset
Spoons
Want
We Are The Shadow Cast By Real People. And That Shadow Changes Shape As The News Cycle Changes Shape, So You Always Have Fresh Dirt To Dig In.
Real
People
Shadow
If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.
Father
4th Of July
Political
In Order To Be A Top-tier Candidate, I Need 7.5 Million Dollars, And I Currently Have 0.0 Million Dollars.
Order
Dollars
Needs
As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.
Reality
Bias
Knows
We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.
Rivers
Judging
Looks
I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.
Fun
Fall
Cameras
Throughout Human History, Countries Rise And Fall. But Not America-we Continue To Rise And Rise, Like Dough, Until Jesus Bakes Us In The Fiery Afterscape Of The Rapture.
Country
Jesus
Fall
It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.
Would Be
Bears
Gummies
Like All Great Theologies, Bill [o'reilly]'s Can Be Boiled Down To One Sentence: There Must Be A God, Because I Don't Know How Things Work.
Religion
Bills
Bill O Reilly
President Bush, Have A Hot Dog With Me.
Dog
President
Hot
What I Rediscovered Was The Therapeutic Nature Of Singing Lessons. They're Like Doing Yoga But For [the] Inside Of Your Body. You Open Up And Use Muscles That You Don't Think Of As Malleable.
Yoga
Thinking
Singing
Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours
Tape
Want
Opinion
Now, For My Younger Viewers Out There, A Book Is Something We Used To Have Before The Internet. It’s Sort Of A Blog For People With Attention Spans.
Book
People
Attention
Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.
Abortion
Doe
Parenthood
Truthiness Is "what I Say Is Right, And [nothing] Anyone Else Says Could Possibly Be True." It's Not Only That I Feel It To Be True, But That I Feel It To Be True. There's Not Only An Emotional Quality, But There's A Selfish Quality.
Selfish
Emotional
Quality
I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.
Boxing
Assassins
Gloves
I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.
Change
Fans
Matter
Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.
Mean
Ghost
Bones
North Korea Is Willing To Go To Any Lengths For The Whole World To Honor Its Demands Of 'ooh, Please Pay Attention To Us.'
Korea
Honor
Attention
It's Much Better To Invite The Audience To Be Part Of Your Show Rather Than Saying, "i Command You To Do This." The Other Thing Is, You Have To Follow Through. If You Initiate A Game And They Take Part, You Can't Stop Until It Reaches A Mutually Satisfying Resolution.
Games
Resolution
Follow Through
There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.
Funny
Gay
Hell
Brb, Ttyl Ok? Wow, I Saved A 'ton' Of Time With Those Acronyms.
Acronyms
Wow
Saved
Apply Truth Liberally To The Inflamed Area.
Truth
Areas
I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.
Believe
Guy
Saws
Luckily, A Recent Survey Published In The American Sociological Review Revealed That Atheists Are The Least Trusted Group In America—less Trusted, Even, Than Homosexuals. It Makes Sense At Least We Trust The Homosexuals With Our Hair.
Atheist
Hair
America
I Deliver My Truth Hot And Hard.
Hot
My Truth
Hard
Here's An Easy Way To Figure Out If You're In A Cult: If You're Wondering Whether You're In A Cult, The Answer Is Yes.
Answers
Way
Wonder
First, [in High School], I Smoked A Lot Of Pot...and That's How I Got To Know The People 'half In' The Society Of My High School And We Waved At Each Other Over The Bong. Then I Got To Know People By Making Jokes.
Weed
School
People
I Not Only Loved Studying Theater, I Loved Being A Theater Major. It Gave Me An Excuse To Brood, To Grow A Beard, To Wear Black 'at' People. I Didn't Just Want To Play Hamlet, I Wanted To Be Hamlet.
Play
People
Black
Life Is An Improvisation. You Have No Idea What's Going To Happen Next And You Are Mostly Just Making Things Up As You Go Along.
Inspirational
Graduation
Education
We Are Divided Between Those Who Think With Their Heads And Those Who Know With Their Heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If You Think About Harriet Miers, Of Course Her Nomination Is Absurd. But The President Didn't Say He Thought About His Selection. He Said This: "i Know Her Heart." Notice How He Said Nothing About Her Brain? He Didn't Have To. He Feels The Truth About Harriet Miers.
Heart
Thinking
Brain
Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.
Syphilis
Cases
Castro
They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.
Funny
Moon
Space
Hey, Single Malt Scotch, Youre Thirty Years Old. When Are You Going To Settle Down And Get Married To My Stomach?
Scotch
Years
Hey
They Say The Only People Who Tell The Truth Are Drunkards And Children. Guess Which One I Am.
Children
People
Telling The Truth
I Don't Like Books, They're All Fact, No Heart.
Book
Heart
Reality
Last Night Was Super Tuesday - A 10-state Gop Primary Orgy. A Big, Sweaty Pile Of Lever-yankin Republican Voters. And Like Most Orgies, It Involves A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Who Are Not Appealing To Women.
Night
Tuesday
Guy
When I Read Books It's To Escape. It's So I Don't Have To Talk To People.
Book
People
Knock Knock. Who's There? The Truth. No Joke.
Jokes
Sure, Integrating Schools May Sound Benign. But Whats The Use Of Living In A Gated Community If My Kids Go To School And Get Poor All Over Them?
School
Kids
Community
Look, Peta! If God Hadn't Wanted Us To Eat Animals, He Wouldn't Have Made Them So Darn Tasty!
Animal
Looks
Made
Who Would Have Thought That A Means Of Communication Limited To 140 Characters Would Ever Create Misunderstanding?
Communication
Character
Mean
If Obama Can Force You To Get Health Insurance Just By Calling It A Tax, Than There Is Nothing To Stop Him From Making You Gay Marry An Illegal Immigrant Wearing A Condom On A Hydroponic Pot Farm Powered By Solar Energy.
Gay
Calling
Energy
In God's Eyes All Children Are Beautiful But Here On Earth We Have Higher Standards.
Beautiful
Children
Eye
The Yankees' Facebook Page Was Hacked. The Hacker Was Immediately Purchased And Signed To A 5 Year Contract With The Yankees.
Yankees
Years
Pages
There's Nothing Wrong With Stretching The Truth. We Stretch Taffy, And That Just Makes It More Delicious.
Taffy
Stretching
Delicious
Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty.
Perception
Matter
Facts
I Don't Trust Books. They're All Fact, No Heart. And That's Exactly What's Pulling Our Country Apart Today. Because Face It, Folks, We Are A Divided Nation. Not Between Democrats Or Republicans, Or Conservatives And Liberals, Or Tops And Bottoms. No, We Are Divided By Those Who Think With Their Head, And Those Who Know With Their Heart.
Country
Book
Heart
New Study Reveals Men Like To Cuddle. Another Study Reveals Men Will Say Anything To Get Into Bed With A Woman.
Men
Say Anything
Bed
Take Away The Big Bang And What Has God Done? Burned A Bush And Got A Girl Pregnant. Great, He's A High School Junior.
Girl
School
Bangs
If You're Doing Nothing Wrong, You Have Nothing To Hide From The Giant Surveillance Apparatus The Government's Been Hiding.
Government
Giants
Surveillance
Cynicism Is An Enormous Problem. I'm Actually A Hopeful Person. But The Way To Stay Hopeful Is To Acknowledge And To Not Accept What Is Absolutely Amoral, Mentally Ill Behavior As Normal.
Hopeful
Problem
Cynicism
Pain Is The Body's Way Of Telling The Brain It's In Trouble. Similarly, Confusion Is The Brain's Way Of Telling The Body, 'all Right, Buddy, Drop That Book.
Pain
Book
Confusion
The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword, If You Shoot That Pen Out Of A Gun
Gun
Pens
Ifs
If I Had Free Time To Go To Los Angeles To Shoot A Movie, I Would Rather Spend It With My Kids.
Kids
Los Angeles
Ifs
Agnostics Are Just Atheists Without Balls.
Atheist
Balls
I Spent My First Two Years At A Small All-male College In Virginia Called Hampden-sydney. That Was Like Going To College 120 Years Ago. The Languages, A Year Of Rhetoric, All Of The Great Books, Western Man Courses, Stuff Like That.
Book
College
Men
Truthiness Is What You Want The Facts To Be As Opposed To What The Facts Are. What Feels Like The Right Answer As Opposed To What Reality Will Support.
Reality
Support
Climate
Take The Platypus - That Is Not A Finished Product. It Is Clearly Still In Beta.
Beta
Platypus
Stills
Oh Sure, Its Fine When A Monkey Does It. But When I Throw Barrels At An Italian Plumber, They Call It A Hate Crime!
Hate
Italian
Doe
I Am No Fan Of Books.
Book
Fans
A Mother Needs To Be In The Home Even When The Kids Aren’t. A Messy House Sends A Coded Message To Children: “i’m Not Loveable. Otherwise Mother Would Dust.
Mother
Children
Home
Now I Don't Know Why He's Denying Them Habeas Corpus. I Can Only Assume The Guys They Got Detained Over There Did Something Really Unforgivable. Like Remind Obama He Was Once A Professor Of Constitutional Law.
Law
Guy
Habeas Corpus
Corporations Have Free Speech, But They Can't Speak Like You And Me. They Don't Have Mouths Or Hands.
Hands
Mouths
Speech
If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.
People
Want
Corporations
Sorry, But Retirement Offends Me. You Don’t Just Stop Fighting In The Middle Of A War Because Your Legs Hurt. So Why Do You Get To Stop Working In The Middle Of Your Life Just Because Your Prostate Hurts? That’s Desertion.
Retirement
Hurt
Sorry
Give A Man A Fish And He'll Eat For A Day. Give A Man A Sub-prime Fish Loan And You're In Business, Buddy.
Men
Giving
Loan
An Apple A Day Keeps Anyone Away, If You Throw It Hard Enough.
Apples
Enough
Hard
It's August, Which Means Congress Is On Recess And Mitch Mcconnell Has Shimmied Back Into The Ocean To Seek A Mate.
Ocean
Mean
August
Divorce Is Marital Welfare.it’s Just Couples Asking Society To Bail Them Out Because They Didn’t Do Enough Research Before They Got Married.
Couple
Divorce
Bail
I'm An Actor. I Hate To Blow Everyone's Illusions.
Hate
Blow
Actors
I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character.
Character
Boxing
Feelings
As Shakespeare Said, There's Nothin' Cooler Than Droppin' The 'g's Off Of Gerunds!
Said
Researchers From Britain's Keele University Have Found That Swearing After An Injury May Help Alleviate Pain. Evidently, The Pain That You Feel Is Inversely Proportional To The Number Of Middle Names You Give Jesus.
Jesus
Pain
Names
I'm A Junkie For Exhaustion, And I'm A Junkie For Setting Up My Expectations Too High And Then Trying To Meet Them.
Expectations
Trying
Junkie
America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?
Jobs
America
Cost
Christianity Is The Best Way To Cure Gayness — Just Get On Your Knees, Take A Swig Of Wine, And Accept The Body Of A Man Into Your Mouth.
Wine
Men
Mouths
Clearly, America Has No Shortage Of Metaphorical Opportunities For The Poor.
Opportunity
America
Poor
I Love Making Observations. That One Is A Classic Example.
Example
Classic
Love Making
The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You. You Know What I Mean? I’ve Always Liked That Phrase “he Was Visited By Grief,” Because That’s Really What It Is. Grief Is Its Own Thing. It’s Not Like It’s In Me And I’m Going To Deal With It. It’s A Thing, And You Have To Be Okay With Its Presence. If You Try To Ignore It, It Will Be Like A Wolf At Your Door.
Grief
Mean
Thinking
Sorry To Disappoint The Liberals Who Tuned In Tonight To Gloat About Obama's Lead In Every Poll, But I Am Not Worried. Mccain May Be Behind, But The Man Is A Fighter. He Doesn't Know The Meaning Of The Word 'quit.' He Used To, But It Was Stored In The Same Part Of His Brain That Remembered To Vet His Running Mate.
Running
Sorry
Men
Last Night, We Did The Threatdown -- God, It's Hard To Even Talk About This -- And For The First Time, I Didn't Mention Bears. It's Winter, They're Asleep, I Didn't Think It Would Be A Problem. But Today I See This In The Toronto Globe And Mail -- Apparently A 700-pound Polar Bear Showed Up At A Children's Hockey Game. I've Said This Before, They're After Our Kids -- They're Tender, Juicy, You Don't Even Have To Throw Away The Bones.
Children
Kids
Hockey
I'm Impervious To Logic.
Logic
Impervious
Laughter Brings The Swelling Down On Our National Psyche.
Inspirational
Laughter
Swelling
There Is No Food Closer To My Heart Than Cheese. In Fact, According To My Doctor, It Has Nearly Filled My Aorta.
Heart
Doctors
Facts
Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]
Country
Weekend
Past
Trending Author
Henry Clay
Menachem Mendel Schneerson
Jacqueline Bisset
Duane G. Carey
Alan Jackson
Joshua Reynolds
Category
Information