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America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

-Stephen Colbert

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America Cannot Afford A

Stephen Colbert

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America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

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Apply Truth Liberally To The Inflamed Area.

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I Used To Make Up Stuff In My Bio All The Time, That I Used To Be A Professional Ice-skater And Stuff Like That. I Found It So Inspirational. Why Not Make Myself Cooler Than I Am?

I Actually Do Not Think That's How What's Happening To Our Government Is Going To Be Stopped. I Think People Who Are Willing To Be Civically Engaged And Believe In The Promises And The Progress Of The Last Fifty Years That Will Save This Country.

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London Olympics

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

Take It From Me, There's Nothing Like A Job Well Done, Except The Quiet Enveloping Darkness At The Bottom Of A Bottle Of Jim Beam After A Job Done Any Way At All.

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

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Jesus Forgives Sinners, Not Criminals.

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Republicans: The Party That Brought Us 'just Say No.' First As A Drug Policy, Then As Their Entire Platform.

I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.

Now I Don't Know Why He's Denying Them Habeas Corpus. I Can Only Assume The Guys They Got Detained Over There Did Something Really Unforgivable. Like Remind Obama He Was Once A Professor Of Constitutional Law.

Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.

If You're Injecting Fear Into Other People, Then You're Trying To Kill Their Minds. You're Trying To Get Them To Stop Thinking.

You Are About To Start The Greatest Improvisation Of All. With No Script. No Idea What's Going To Happen, Often With People And Places You Have Never Seen Before. And You Are Not In Control. So Say 'yes.' And If You're Lucky, You'll Find People Who Will Say 'yes' Back.

If You're Doing Nothing Wrong, You Have Nothing To Hide From The Giant Surveillance Apparatus The Government's Been Hiding.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

The Interesting Thing About Fake News And Fake Media Is That It's A Heresy Against Reality. Again, As A Catholic, I Was Taught That The Greatest Sin Was Heresy. Because Not Only Are You A Sinner, You Are Proselytizing And Inviting Other People Into Your Sinful State Through Your Heresy. You're A Recruiter For Your Own Fallen State. Donald Trump Is A Heretic Against Reality. Basically, He's Lying For Sport. He's Inviting People Into His Heresy That There Is No Objective Reality.

The Liberal Gluten-free Agenda Is Turning Our Dogs Lesbian.

What I Rediscovered Was The Therapeutic Nature Of Singing Lessons. They're Like Doing Yoga But For [the] Inside Of Your Body. You Open Up And Use Muscles That You Don't Think Of As Malleable.

Thankfully Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses. So Whatever Your Dream Is Right Now, If You Don't Achieve It, You Haven't Failed And You're Not Some Loser-but Just As Importantly-if You Do Get Your Dream, You're Not A Winner.

I Won't Be Doing The New Show In Character, So We'll All Get To Find Out How Much Of Him Was Me. I'm Looking Forward To It.

Looking Forward

You See, We're America The Beautiful, Not America 'well, At Least She Has A Great Personality'.

If Someone Spreads Hate Then They're Not Your Religious Leader.

We [comics] Create Our Own Reality On The Show. I'm In A Cocoon Of The Character's Creation. Even Within That Reality, He's In A Cocoon. While I'm An Improviser And Enjoy Discovery, The Show Follows A Script. I Have A Pretty Good Idea What's Going To Happen. It's A Very crafted, Controlled Environment.

Can You Really Put A Price On Annoying Two Religions At Once?

It's Hard To Swallow Your Pride. That's Why I Slather Mine In Mayonnaise.

Not Living In Fear Is A Great Gift, Because Certainly These Days We Do It So Much. And Do You Know What I Like About Comedy? You Can't Laugh And Be Afraid At The Same Time - Of Anything. If You're Laughing, I Defy You To Be Afraid.

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Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

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Atheism, A Religion Dedicated To Its Own Sense Of Smug Superiority.

Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

Global Warming Isn't Real Because I Was Cold Today! Also Great News: World Hunger Is Over Because I Just Ate.

There's A Wonderfully Cooperative Relationship Between Management And Labor Right Now. Much Like The Historic Partnership Between Oranges And A Juicer.

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

Liberals Want To Burn The Flag, But Progressives Just Want To Microwave It?

Wikipedia Is The First Place I Go When I'm Looking For Knowledge... Or When I Want To Create Some.

One Day,i Might Be Able To Tell My Grandkids I Interviewed The Last President Of The United States.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

The Only Thing That Gets Me High Is The Musky Scent Of My Enemy's Fear

It's A Game. That's Why We Call It 'the News.' It's Just A Game.

Attack Life, It's Going To Kill You Anyway.

Think Books Aren't Scary? Well, Think About This: You Can't Spell "book" Without "boo!

Well China, You Got Us. Phelps Was Doping - And He Still Beat You. He Smoked The Sticky-icky, And Then He Smoked Your Ass!

London Olympics

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