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The Beauty Of New Media Is That No Evidence Is Necessary. The Brave Blog-troopers Have Stormed The Cockpit Of News, And Wrestled The Joystick Of Authority Away From The Seasoned Pilots Of The Press Who Would Land Our Country At The Facts International Airport.

-Stephen Colbert

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The Beauty Of New

Stephen Colbert

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The Beauty Of New Media Is That No Evidence Is Necessary. The Brave Blog-troopers Have Stormed The Cockpit Of News, And Wrestled The Joystick Of Authority Away From The Seasoned Pilots Of The Press Who Would Land Our Country At The Facts International Airport.

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Vodka Eyeballing Sounds Great, But It's A Slippery Slope. Next, You'll Be Scotch Nostriling, Tequila Nippling And, Before You Know It, Jager Tainting.

I Wrote Things For The School's Newspaper, And - Like All Teenagers - I Dabbled In Poetry.

It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

I Would Say Laughter Is The Best Medicine. But It's More Than That. It's An Entire Regime Of Antibiotics And Steroids.

You Gotta Learn To Love When You're Failing.... The Embracing Of That, The Discomfort Of Failing In Front Of An Audience, Leads You To Penetrate Through The Fear That Blinds You. Fear Is The Mind Killer.

I've Always Been A Big Fan Of Beauty. Sure, You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover But Who Wants To Have Sex With A Book?

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Something Interesting

Now You'll Have To Wait For Hours In Line For Medical Care Instead Of Immediately Not Getting Any.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry. That's Why I Never Apologize To My Mirror.

Senator Kerry Does Not Support Our Troops. If He Had Won The Election, There Wouldn't Be Any Troops Left In Iraq. President Bush, On The Other Hand, Has Given Our Troops An Opportunity To Fight Without End. That's Creating Jobs. In Fact, The President's Policies Helped Create 104 More Job Openings Last Month. Now Who's Stupid, Senator?

I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.

To Sit Here At The Same Table With My Hero, George W. Bush...i Feel Like I'm Dreaming. Somebody Pinch Me. You Now What, I'm A Pretty Sound Sleeper, That May Not Be Enough...somebody Shoot Me In The Face.

If I Had A Dime For Everytime That I Was Wrong, I'd Be Broke.

It Is A Well Known Fact That Reality Has Liberal Bias.

Tv's Tony Snow Becomes The White House Press Secretary. How Will He Make The Difficult Transition From Fox News Reporter To Republican Apologist? ... Mr. President, It Is Time To Hire The Folks Who've Never Let You Down. Limbaugh At Health And Human Services. Hannity At State. Then Give Rummy The Medal Of Freedom And Install Bill O'reilly As Secretary Of Defense. Only Problem, You Might Find Yourself Invading Vermont. And I'll Replace Chertoff At Homeland Security. The Man's Done Nothing To Control The Bear Population.

And Of Course I Don't Go Anywhere Without My Pet Goldfish, Anthrax. I Always Tell Security I'm Carrying Anthrax. Yeah, Sure I Get A Lot Of Guff About It, But It's A Family Name; I'm Not Changing It.

And When Those Bombs Went Off, There Were Runners Who, After Finishing A Marathon, Kept Running For Another Two Miles To The Hospital To Donate Blood. So, Here's What I Know - These Maniacs May Have Tried To Make Life Bad For The People Of Boston, But All They Can Ever Do, Is Show Just How Good Those People Are.

Status Is Always Ripe For Satire, Status Is Always Good For Comedy.

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

This Is America. I Don't Want A Tomato Picked By A Mexican. I Want It Picked By An American, Then Sliced By A Guatemalan And Served By A Venezuelan In A Spa Where A Chilean Gives Me A Brazilian.

If I Had Free Time To Go To Los Angeles To Shoot A Movie, I Would Rather Spend It With My Kids.

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

If The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul, Then Why Does It Hurt When I Spray Them With Windex?

Window To The Soul

(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock

Yes, President Romney Will Not Take God Off Our Coins. And That Is So Important Because Right Now, Just Like God, The Value Of Our Currency Really Has To Be Taken On Faith.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin. If That Ever Happens, It's Only Because Something Happened During The Interview That Got Me Going, And Then I Had To Translate My Feelings To The Mouth Of The Character.

I Know That The Pope's Infallible, But That Doesn't Mean He Can't Make Mistakes.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

I'm Not A Fan Of The Facts. Facts Change; My Opinion Never Does.

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

I Deliver My Truth Hot And Hard.

Football Is American; Why Are The Romans Numering Our Bowls?!

The Interesting Thing About Grief, I Think, Is That It Is Its Own Size. It Is Not The Size Of You. It Is Its Own Size. And Grief Comes To You. You Know What I Mean? I’ve Always Liked That Phrase “he Was Visited By Grief,” Because That’s Really What It Is. Grief Is Its Own Thing. It’s Not Like It’s In Me And I’m Going To Deal With It. It’s A Thing, And You Have To Be Okay With Its Presence. If You Try To Ignore It, It Will Be Like A Wolf At Your Door.

We Claim No Respectability. There's No Status I Would Not Surrender For A Joke. So We Don't Have To Defend Anything.

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

Destroying A Religious Symbol And Building A Religious Center Are Really The Same Thing If You Don't Think About It.

If We Don't Cut Expensive Things Like Head Start, Child Nutrition Programs, And Teachers, What Sort Of Future Are We Leaving For Our Children?

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Hey Yogurt, If You're So Cultured, How Come I Never See You At The Opera?

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Young Girls Are Obsessed With Having A Thigh Gap. I Blame The Impossible Body Standards Set By Spongebob.

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Contraception Leads To More Babies Being Born Out Of Wedlock, Like Fire Extinguishers Lead To More Fires.

Winning The Nobel Prize Does Not Automatically Qualify You To Be Commander In Chief. I Think George Bush Has Proved Definitively That To Be President, You Don't Need To Care About Science, Literature Or Peace.

You Have A Firm Grasp Of The Obvious.

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They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

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Tomorrow You're All Going To Wake Up In A Brave New World, A World Where The Constitution Gets Trampled By An Army Of Terrorist Clones Created In A Stem-cell Research Lab Run By Homosexual Doctors Who Sterilize Their Instruments Over Burning American Flags. Where Tax And Spend Democrats Take All Your Hard-earned Money And Use It To Buy Electric Cars For National Public Radio And Teach Evolution To Illegal Immigrants. Oh... And Everybody's High!

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The Yankees' Facebook Page Was Hacked. The Hacker Was Immediately Purchased And Signed To A 5 Year Contract With The Yankees.

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After Nearly 15 Minutes Of Soul Searching, I Have Heard The Call. Nation, I Will Seek The Office Of The President Of The United States. I Am Doing It!

If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

I Suppose Fear Is Like A Drug. A Little Bit Isn't That Bad, But You Can Get Addicted To The Consumption And Distribution Of It.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor.

Equations Are The Devil's Sentences.

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History Moves Fast. It's Hard To Believe That Gay Americans Achieved Full Constitutional Personhood Just Five Years After Corporations Did!

I Thought Black Friday Was When Everyone Puts On Blackface And Steals Children From Wal-mart.

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I Used To Play A Narcissistic-conservative Pundit. Now, I'm Just A Narcissist.

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Mysterious Ways

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If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

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We [comics] Create Our Own Reality On The Show. I'm In A Cocoon Of The Character's Creation. Even Within That Reality, He's In A Cocoon. While I'm An Improviser And Enjoy Discovery, The Show Follows A Script. I Have A Pretty Good Idea What's Going To Happen. It's A Very crafted, Controlled Environment.

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If I Ever Succumbed To The Demon On My Shoulder Going, "you Should Get Something Special Because You're Famous," That Is The Moment That My Behavior Will Be Caught On Social Media For All Time. I'm Even Afraid To Use It To Get A Reservation. This Is The Person Who Will Tweet, "can You Believe What This A-hole Did?"

Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]

I Believed In Global Warming After Al Gore's Movie Made Money; The Market Had Spoken.

While Skin And Race Are Often Synonymous, Skin Cleansing Is Good, Race Cleansing Is Bad.

Thanksgiving Is A Magical Time Of Year When Families Across The Country Join Together To Raise America's Obesity Statistics. Personally, I Love Thanksgiving Traditions: Watching Football, Making Pumpkin Pie, And Saying The Magic Phrase That Sends Your Aunt Storming Out Of The Dining Room To Sit In Her Car.

Cynicism Is An Enormous Problem. I'm Actually A Hopeful Person. But The Way To Stay Hopeful Is To Acknowledge And To Not Accept What Is Absolutely Amoral, Mentally Ill Behavior As Normal.

Why Would We Go To War On Women? They Don't Have Any Oil.

I’m The Frosting On America’s Cake, And Tonight I’m Willing To Let You Lick The Bowl.

If You're Injecting Fear Into Other People, Then You're Trying To Kill Their Minds. You're Trying To Get Them To Stop Thinking.

So My Heart Goes Out To Them. Figuratively. I Would Never Actually Entrust My Heart To Scientists—they'd Probably Implant It In A Baboon. And A Baboon With My Heart Would Be Practically Unstoppable. Baboon Strength And Agility Combined With My Determination And Media Savvy? It Would Be A Threat To All Of Humanity.

Thankfully Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses. So Whatever Your Dream Is Right Now, If You Don't Achieve It, You Haven't Failed And You're Not Some Loser-but Just As Importantly-if You Do Get Your Dream, You're Not A Winner.

You Don't Need The Right Facts If You Have The Right Inflection.

Take Away The Big Bang And What Has God Done? Burned A Bush And Got A Girl Pregnant. Great, He's A High School Junior.

Folks, I Don't Trust Children. They're Here To Replace Us.

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

Look, Peta! If God Hadn't Wanted Us To Eat Animals, He Wouldn't Have Made Them So Darn Tasty!

There's Nothing Wrong With Stretching The Truth. We Stretch Taffy, And That Just Makes It More Delicious.

Am I Proud Of Being Straight? No. You Know Why? Because If I Start Acting Proud, That's Going To Make Me Seem Kind Of Gay.

When My Car Runs Out Of Gas, I Buy A New One. I Don't Want To Ride Around With A Quitter.

Of The Over 100,000 Wildfires That Happen In The U.s. Each Year, Not A Single One Would Get Started Without The Fire Triangle: Oxygen, Heat And Fuel. Fire Needs All Three To Exist. It's Like The Three Branches Of Our Government: Legislative, Judicial And Executive. The Fewer There Are, The Safer We Are.

Evil Exists Because Of The Disobedience Of Satan. God Gave Satan, And The Angels, And Man Free Will. Satan Used His Free Will And Abused It By Not Obeying Authority. Hell Was Created By Satan’s Disobedience To God, And His Purposeful Removal From God’s Love—which Is What Hell Is. Removing Yourself From God’s Love. You Send Yourself To Hell. God Does Not Send You There.

America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

I Don't Like The New President Who Hunts Muslim Extremists, I Like The Old President Who Is A Muslim Extremist.

Muslim Extremists

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

If Poor People Want Food Stamps, They Should Become Massive Corporations.

Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.

I'm Disappointed That My Own Catholic Church Has Decided That Capital Punishment Is Wrong. Which Is Pretty Hypocritical If You Think About It, Because They Wouldn't Even Have A Religion If It Wasn't For Capital Punishment.

What The Right-wing In The United States Tries To Do Is Undermine The Press.

A New Study Shows That Having A Severe Phobia Can Hasten Aging. But What If My Greatest Fear Is Aging?!?

If You Love Friends, You Will Serve Your Friends. If You Love Community, You Will Serve Your Community. If You Love Money, You Will Serve Your Money. And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

The Goal Is To Have Fun With My Friends.and That Means Sometimes Talking About Things That You Care About.

I Did Learn Something Interesting [while At The Atlanta Airport]. You Have To Be A Member Of The Tsa In Order To Legally Perform A Cavity Search. My Apologies To The Staff Of Cinnabon, But You Guys Should Really Keep That Extra Frosting Where The Customers Can Find It.

In America, We Know To Ignore Artists If They're Serious In Any Way.

I Teach Sunday School, Motherf*****.

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

Bill Moyers Is Everything I Never Aspire To Be: Calm, Thoughtful, And Informative.

You May Learn Sooner Than Most Generations The Hard Lesson That You Must Always Make The Path For Yourself...there Is No Secret Society Out There That Will Tap You On Your Shoulder One Night And Show You The Way.

John Boehner Chose A Huge Gavel. I Think Somebody's Compensating For His Small Government.

Oh Sure, Its Fine When A Monkey Does It. But When I Throw Barrels At An Italian Plumber, They Call It A Hate Crime!

Oops! I Always Thought Peta Stood For Please Eat This Animal.

I Stand By This Man (president George W. Bush). I Stand By This Man Because He Stands For Things. Not Only For Things, He Stands On Things. Things Like Aircraft Carriers And Rubble And Recently Flooded City Squares. And That Sends A Strong Message, That No Matter What Happens To America, She Will Always Rebound.. With The Most Powerfully Staged Photo Ops In The World.

A Native American Group Has Filed A Class-action Lawsuit Against The Government For Mismanagement Of Oil, Gas, Grazing, Timber And Other Royalties Since 1887. They're Seeking $100 Billion. Here's The Good News: The Government Has Responded What I Believe Is An Appropriate Counteroffer: A Two-cent Navajo Stamp.

Native American

Ignorance Is Bliss. Oedipus Ruined A Great Sex Life By Asking Too Many Questions.

A Father Has To Be A Provider, A Teacher, A Role Model, But Most Importantly, A Distant Authority Figure Who Can Never Be Pleased. Otherwise, How Will Children Ever Understand The Concept Of God?

And Though I Am A Committed Christian, I Believe Everyone Has The Right To Their Own Religion - Be You Hindu, Jewish, Or Muslim, I Believe There Are Infinite Paths To Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Savior.

Truthiness Is Tearing Apart Our Country, And I Don't Mean The Argument Over Who Came Up With The Word. I Don't Know Whether It's A New Thing, But It's Certainly A Current Thing, In That It Doesn't Seem To Matter What Facts Are. It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

After Obsessively Googling Symptoms For Four Hours, I Discovered 'obsessively Googling Symptoms' Is A Symptom Of Hypochondria.

I Tell A Lot Of Young Performers, 'go Get In Trouble. Go Commit Yourself To Something You're Not Sure You Can Do.' And I Followed My Own Advice.

Usually When Donald Trump Wants To Keep Someone Out Of Military Service, He Just Fakes A Doctor's Note Saying He Has A Foot Injury. It Worked Fine For Him During Vietnam.

If Germans Are Happy It Means Everyone Else Is Miserable.

Asia: Four Little Letters, Three Billion Little People.

There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).

A Press That Has Validity Is A Press That Has Authority. And As Soon As There's Any Authority To What The Press Says, You Question The Authority Of The Government - It's Like The Existence Of Another Authority.

I Hold A Little Fundraiser Every Day. Its Called Going To Work.

Hey, Single Malt Scotch, Youre Thirty Years Old. When Are You Going To Settle Down And Get Married To My Stomach?

I Don't Think Anybody Can With A Straight Face Say That The Russians Did Not Set Out To Influence Our Election, And They Did So.

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

The Most Common Thing That Real Reporters Say To Me Is, "i Wish I Could Say What You Say." What I Don't Understand Is, Why Can't They Say What I Say, Even In Their Own Way? Does That Mean They Want To Be Able To Name Certain Bald Contradictions Or Hypocrisies That Politicians Have?

If You Think You Can Lead Your Flock Of Sheeple And Peeps To Some Glorified Noodle Fest On The Mall, You Got Another Thing Coming, Mister.

First, [in High School], I Smoked A Lot Of Pot...and That's How I Got To Know The People 'half In' The Society Of My High School And We Waved At Each Other Over The Bong. Then I Got To Know People By Making Jokes.

I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics.

My Grandfather Did Not Travel Across 4,000 Miles Of The Atlantic Ocean To See This Country Overrun By Immigrants. He Did It Because He Killed A Man Back In Ireland.

There's An Old Saying About Those Who Forget History. I Don't Remember It, But It's Good.

If You Repeat It, It's True. If You Repeat It, It's True. And Through Repetition, Something Becomes True. If You Repeat It Enough. Until It Becomes True. Or Do I Need To Repeat That For You?

I Hope You All Had A Wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, As It's Known To Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving.

Native American

Don’t Get Me Wrong. Being A Mom Is No Picnic. Raising The Kids Is The Mother’s Responsibility. It’s A Thankless, Solitary Job, Like Sheriff Or Pope.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.

Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword, If You Shoot That Pen Out Of A Gun

I Love The Internet, And The Internet Loves Me Back. Why Else Would It Offer Me So Much Sex?

It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.

The Cost Of Living Keeps Going Up, Although Death Is Surprisingly Affordable.

You See, We're America The Beautiful, Not America 'well, At Least She Has A Great Personality'.

If I'm Doing A Talk Show Or An Interview, Or Pretty Much Anything Where I Can't Control The Context, I'm Loath To Do The Character.

Made No Mistake: America Is A Christian Nation. The Bedrock Of Our Theo-democracy Is Our Judeo-christian Values. That Term, By The Way, Is A Bit Of A Misnomer. It Implies That Christianity And Judaism Are Equal.

One Day,i Might Be Able To Tell My Grandkids I Interviewed The Last President Of The United States.

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

Arby's: If I Was About To Be Killed, I Would Eat It.

Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.

Used Books Are The Sluts Of The Literary World. Passed Around From Person To Person, Spreading Their Pages For Anyone, Getting Cheaper And Cheaper Until Eventually They End Up In Prison.

To Quote From Another Gospel, Dune By Frank Herbert, 'fear Is The Mind-killer.' ... Jesus Was The Original Muad'dib.

'sympathy For The Devil' Is Just Another Way Of Saying 'compassionate Conservative'.

America Used To Live By The Motto "father Knows Best." Now We're Lucky If "father Knows He Has Children." We've Become A Nation Of Sperm Donors And Baby Daddies.

Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

Don't Be Bitter. Everybody Suffers. If You Can Accept Your Suffering Then You Will Understand Other People Better. Be Grateful For Pain. Love Life.

I Don't Know A Lot About Politics. I Like Talking About Human Behavior. Politicians Are Funny To Me Because They Often Say One Thing And Behave A Different Way.

On This Show, Your Voice Will Be Heard In The Form Of My Voice.

What Does Karl Marx Put On His Pasta? Communist Manipesto!

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

I Don't Want Someone Shoving His Views Down My Throat, Unless They're Covered In A Crunchy Candy Shell.

If Someone Does Offer You A Job, Say 'yes.' You Can Always Quit Later. Then At Least You'll Be One Of The Unemployed As Opposed To One Of The Never-employed. Nothing Looks Worse On A Resume Than Nothing.

Can Accidentally Eating Halal Food Make You Muslim? Yes, The Same Way Drinking A Cosmo Can Make You Gay.

I'll Make Fun Of Anybody. We're All About Falling Down And Going Boom On Camera.

I'm Obviously Younger, Much Better Looking [then Jeorge W.bush].he Didn't Veto Things, He Didn't Bring Order And Fiscal Restraint.

We All Know Why [the Generals] Are So Critical Of The Defense Secretary. They're Being Defensive Because They Weren't Able To Implement His Brilliant Plan [on Screen: Operation 'greet Us As Liberators']. It Was So Simple: Go In With 100,000 Troops, Topple The Regime, Everybody Loves Us, And We Leave By Easter 2003. These Ex-military Men Have Their Right To Their Opinions, That's Fine. They Just Shouldn't Voice Them During A War [on Screen: 'loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

I May Be Just An Empty Flesh Terminal Reliant On Technology For All My Ideas, Memories And Relationships, But I Am Confident That All Of That Everything That Makes Me A Unique Human Being Is Still Out There Somewhere, Safe In A Theoretical Storage Space Owned By Giant, Multinational Corporations.

Let Freedom Ka-ching...corporations Do Everything People Do Except Breathe, Die And Go To Jail For Dumping 1.3 Million Pounds Of Pcbs In The Hudson River.

Thirty Seconds Is The Exact Amount Of Time Americans Can Tolerate Something They Don't Understand.

You Can Make An Omelette Without Breaking Eggs. It's Just A Really Bad Omelette.

So What? A Lobbyist Cheated Indian Tribes Out Of $25 Million Then Laundered Their Money Through Phony Christian Charities Trying To Stop Other Indian Tribes From Getting Casinos [on Screen: 'thou Shalt Not Compete'] And Bribe Congressmen In The Process. Know What I Call That? I Call That Business As Usual In Washington. [on Screen: 'screwing Indians']

It Warps The Minds Of Our Children And Weakens The Resolve Of Our Allies.

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

In Order To Be A Top-tier Candidate, I Need 7.5 Million Dollars, And I Currently Have 0.0 Million Dollars.

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