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The Most Common Thing That Real Reporters Say To Me Is, "i Wish I Could Say What You Say." What I Don't Understand Is, Why Can't They Say What I Say, Even In Their Own Way? Does That Mean They Want To Be Able To Name Certain Bald Contradictions Or Hypocrisies That Politicians Have?

-Stephen Colbert

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The Most Common Thing

Stephen Colbert

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The Most Common Thing That Real Reporters Say To Me Is, "i Wish I Could Say What You Say." What I Don't Understand Is, Why Can't They Say What I Say, Even In Their Own Way? Does That Mean They Want To Be Able To Name Certain Bald Contradictions Or Hypocrisies That Politicians Have?

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And Of Course I Don't Go Anywhere Without My Pet Goldfish, Anthrax. I Always Tell Security I'm Carrying Anthrax. Yeah, Sure I Get A Lot Of Guff About It, But It's A Family Name; I'm Not Changing It.

Cain Understands Domestic Issues Because He Had Experience Selling Pizza; And He Understands International Issues Because Pizza Is Italian.

Here's An Easy Way To Figure Out If You're In A Cult: If You're Wondering Whether You're In A Cult, The Answer Is Yes.

Folks, I Don't Trust Children. They're Here To Replace Us.

If You Are A Hermaphrodite, It Is Physically Impossible To Be Gay.

A Native American Group Has Filed A Class-action Lawsuit Against The Government For Mismanagement Of Oil, Gas, Grazing, Timber And Other Royalties Since 1887. They're Seeking $100 Billion. Here's The Good News: The Government Has Responded What I Believe Is An Appropriate Counteroffer: A Two-cent Navajo Stamp.

Native American

Truthiness Is What You Want The Facts To Be As Opposed To What The Facts Are. What Feels Like The Right Answer As Opposed To What Reality Will Support.

I Began My Day As I Often Begin My Days, By Checking Donald Trump's Twitter Feed To See How Far The Crazy Has Spread. And Today, I Really Think He's Off His Meds, Because Today He Went From Crazy To Cruel.

I Have Always Been A Fan Of Reality By Majority Vote.

‎you Cannot Correct An Old Person Every Time They Say Something Offensive. You Would Never Make It Through Thanksgiving Dinner!

Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.

You Gotta Learn To Love When You're Failing.... The Embracing Of That, The Discomfort Of Failing In Front Of An Audience, Leads You To Penetrate Through The Fear That Blinds You. Fear Is The Mind Killer.

A Press That Has Validity Is A Press That Has Authority. And As Soon As There's Any Authority To What The Press Says, You Question The Authority Of The Government - It's Like The Existence Of Another Authority.

What The Right-wing In The United States Tries To Do Is Undermine The Press.

I Don't Get Why The Government Is The Only One That Gets To Print Money.

And When Those Bombs Went Off, There Were Runners Who, After Finishing A Marathon, Kept Running For Another Two Miles To The Hospital To Donate Blood. So, Here's What I Know - These Maniacs May Have Tried To Make Life Bad For The People Of Boston, But All They Can Ever Do, Is Show Just How Good Those People Are.

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

When Meeting Royalty, It Is Very Important, No Matter How Excited You Are, Not To Vomit On Them. Instead, Vomit On The Nearest Commoner.

I Believe That People, More Often Than Not, Act With The Best Possible Intentions. And When They Don't, That's Funny To Me. That's Why Comedy Ends Up Seeming Cynical, Because You're Talking About The Gap Between What People Say And What They Do.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

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We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.

Who's Britannica To Tell Me That The Panama Canal Was Built In 1914? If I Want To Say That It Was Built In 1941, That's My Right As An American.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

You've Gotta Understand What Putin's Strategy Is. He Really Doesn't Like Democracy. He Thinks It's An Inconvenient, Messy Process. And He Doesn't Like Us, And He Wants To Destabilize Our Country; Sow Doubt About Our Democracy.

In 1986, Our Commencement Speaker Was George Schultz, Secretary Of State, Fourth In Line To The President. You Get Me-basic Cable's Second Most Popular Fake Newsman. At This Rate, The Class Of 2021 Will Be Addressed By A Zoo Parrot In A Mortar-board That Has Been Trained To Say "congratulations.

Congratulations

In The Beginning, God Created The Heaven And The Earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, But It’s Not “in The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

Senator Kerry Does Not Support Our Troops. If He Had Won The Election, There Wouldn't Be Any Troops Left In Iraq. President Bush, On The Other Hand, Has Given Our Troops An Opportunity To Fight Without End. That's Creating Jobs. In Fact, The President's Policies Helped Create 104 More Job Openings Last Month. Now Who's Stupid, Senator?

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

I'm A Satirist, So I've Got Boxing Gloves On If The Person Is Worthy Of Satire. But I'm Not An Assassin.

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Apply Truth Liberally To The Inflamed Area.

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We Claim No Respectability. There's No Status I Would Not Surrender For A Joke. So We Don't Have To Defend Anything.

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I’m The Frosting On America’s Cake, And Tonight I’m Willing To Let You Lick The Bowl.

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As Shakespeare Said, There's Nothin' Cooler Than Droppin' The 'g's Off Of Gerunds!

Attack Life, It's Going To Kill You Anyway.

I Didn't Realize Quite How Liberal I Was Until I Was Asked To Make Passionate Comedic Choices As Opposed To Necessarily Successful Comedic Choices.

I Gut Check My Show. I Say, I Say, "gut, Gut, Does That Feel True To You?" And Gut Says, "yes It Does, Stephen. Let's Get A Grilled Cheese Sandwich."

Cheese Sandwiches

If I Ever Succumbed To The Demon On My Shoulder Going, "you Should Get Something Special Because You're Famous," That Is The Moment That My Behavior Will Be Caught On Social Media For All Time. I'm Even Afraid To Use It To Get A Reservation. This Is The Person Who Will Tweet, "can You Believe What This A-hole Did?"

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As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.

I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.

Destroying A Religious Symbol And Building A Religious Center Are Really The Same Thing If You Don't Think About It.

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

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If I Had A Dime For Everytime That I Was Wrong, I'd Be Broke.

Protect Yourself From Muslim Vampires By Making Your Neck Non-halal.

I Just Think Rosa Parks Was Overrated. Last Time I Checked, She Got Famous For Breaking The Law.

Try To Love Others And Serve Others And Hopefully Find Those Who Love And Serve You In Return.

In Order To Maintain An Untenable Position, You Have To Be Actively Ignorant. One Motto On The Show Is, 'keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.'

So My Heart Goes Out To Them. Figuratively. I Would Never Actually Entrust My Heart To Scientists—they'd Probably Implant It In A Baboon. And A Baboon With My Heart Would Be Practically Unstoppable. Baboon Strength And Agility Combined With My Determination And Media Savvy? It Would Be A Threat To All Of Humanity.

I Have No Interest In Behaving Or Thinking Cynically. But It's An Easy Trap To Be Cynical About Anything, Certainly When You're Talking About Politics Or The Media.

The Lead Singer Of Creed Says He Won’t Endorse President Obama. Well That Settles It -- Obama Will Not Win The 1998 Presidential Election.

America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

Thankfully Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses. So Whatever Your Dream Is Right Now, If You Don't Achieve It, You Haven't Failed And You're Not Some Loser-but Just As Importantly-if You Do Get Your Dream, You're Not A Winner.

The Most Common Thing That Real Reporters Say To Me Is, "i Wish I Could Say What You Say." What I Don't Understand Is, Why Can't They Say What I Say, Even In Their Own Way? Does That Mean They Want To Be Able To Name Certain Bald Contradictions Or Hypocrisies That Politicians Have?

I Hope People'll Find Out Pretty Quickly That The Guy They Saw For 10 Years Was My Sense Of Humor The Whole Time.

There's A Wonderfully Cooperative Relationship Between Management And Labor Right Now. Much Like The Historic Partnership Between Oranges And A Juicer.

Jesus Forgives Sinners, Not Criminals.

I Won't Be Doing The New Show In Character, So We'll All Get To Find Out How Much Of Him Was Me. I'm Looking Forward To It.

Looking Forward

I Can Really Find Something Interesting About Almost Anyone I Talk To.

Something Interesting

If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

Mentioning Jesus In Your Speech: Small Government. Doing What Jesus Asked: Big Government.

We Are Divided Between Those Who Think With Their Heads And Those Who Know With Their Heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If You Think About Harriet Miers, Of Course Her Nomination Is Absurd. But The President Didn't Say He Thought About His Selection. He Said This: "i Know Her Heart." Notice How He Said Nothing About Her Brain? He Didn't Have To. He Feels The Truth About Harriet Miers.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

My Character Is Self-important, Poorly Informed, Well-intentioned But An Idiot. So We Said, `let's Give Him A Promotion.'

'sympathy For The Devil' Is Just Another Way Of Saying 'compassionate Conservative'.

You Have A Firm Grasp Of The Obvious.

Democrats Lead In All The Polls By At Least Ten Points, Except One.. Fox News. That Is With A Margin Of Error Of Plus Or Minus The Facts.

Give A Man A Suicide Bomb, He Blows Up Once. Teach A Man To Suicide Bomb, He Also Blows Up Once.

Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug That Can Lead To Awful Things, Like Phish Getting Back Together.

Getting Back Together

If Women Are Breadwinners And Men Bring Home The Bacon, Why Do People Complain About Having No Dough? I'm Confused. Also Hungry.

Give A Man A Fish And He'll Eat For A Day. Give A Man A Sub-prime Fish Loan And You're In Business, Buddy.

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

The Skinnification Of America's Jeanscape Has Gone Too Far.

Obamacare Takes Effect In Less Than Eight Months. Do You Realize What This Means? If You Go To The Emergency Room Now, You'll Be Covered By The Time You Finally See A Doctor.

Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.

(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock

And Though I Am A Committed Christian, I Believe Everyone Has The Right To Their Own Religion - Be You Hindu, Jewish, Or Muslim, I Believe There Are Infinite Paths To Accepting Jesus Christ As Your Personal Savior.

What Are The Origins Of Dressage? Did Just, One Day, Some Young Horse Say To His Dad, 'dad, I Don't Want To Charge Into Battle...i Just Wanna Dance'?

The Goal Is To Have Fun With My Friends.and That Means Sometimes Talking About Things That You Care About.

The Summer Movies Are Coming Out. My Advice: Just Stay Home And Burn A Good Book.

An Apple A Day Keeps Anyone Away, If You Throw It Hard Enough.

When My Car Runs Out Of Gas, I Buy A New One. I Don't Want To Ride Around With A Quitter.

My Mom Kind Of Led Me Toward Acting. She Wanted To Be An Actress When She Was Younger. That Made Me Interested In It When I Was A Kid, Because She And I Are Very Close.

I Do My Show Half-hour A Night Four Nights A Week. I Haven't Seen My Kids In 18 Months, And I Am Losing Calcium In My Bones. Doctors Say I Should Stop. I'm Not Going To.

Truthiness Is Tearing Apart Our Country, And I Don't Mean The Argument Over Who Came Up With The Word. I Don't Know Whether It's A New Thing, But It's Certainly A Current Thing, In That It Doesn't Seem To Matter What Facts Are. It Used To Be, Everyone Was Entitled To Their Own Opinion, But Not Their Own Facts. But That's Not The Case Anymore. Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything.

Atheism: The Religion Devoted To The Worship Of One's Own Smug Sense Of Superiority.

Who Would Have Thought That A Means Of Communication Limited To 140 Characters Would Ever Create Misunderstanding?

Arbitrary Rules Teach Kids Discipline: If Every Rule Made Sense, They Wouldn't Be Learning Respect For Authority, They'd Be Learning Logic.

Internet Users, That Blue Screen Of Death You Were Looking At This Morning? That's The Sky. If You're Still Confused, Look It Up On Wikipedia Tomorrow.

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk-- Get Angry And Punch A Cow.

I Did Learn Something Interesting [while At The Atlanta Airport]. You Have To Be A Member Of The Tsa In Order To Legally Perform A Cavity Search. My Apologies To The Staff Of Cinnabon, But You Guys Should Really Keep That Extra Frosting Where The Customers Can Find It.

Yes, Dr. King Is Pro-gun Just As Surely As Jesus Would Be Pro-nails.

I'm A Junkie For Exhaustion, And I'm A Junkie For Setting Up My Expectations Too High And Then Trying To Meet Them.

Facebook Stock Continues To Plummet. People Started Selling Once They Found Out Their Mom Bought It Too.

If It's Called The Usa Today, Why Is All The News From Yesterday?

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

They Think I'm Silly. I Do Silly Things. I Fall Down And Run Into Things. I Talk To Inanimate Objects. I'll Hold A Pickup Stick To My Ear And Say, "what? What's That? I Can't Hear You

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

I Am No Fan Of Books.

Today, Folks, Should Be All About Love. Unless You're Old.

Funny Valentines Day

I Believe That The Government That Governs Best Is A Government That Governs Least, And By These Standards We Have Set Up A Fabulous Government In Iraq.

If You Think You Can Lead Your Flock Of Sheeple And Peeps To Some Glorified Noodle Fest On The Mall, You Got Another Thing Coming, Mister.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... For The Truth.

Once I'm Performing The Show, I Think That Hour Show Has A Certain Intimacy With Our Audience. And That Intimacy Is Through The Lens And The Live Audience Is A Witness To That, Whereas The Audience At Home Is Actually The Object Of My Efforts.

Here's How It Works: The President Makes Decisions. He's The Decider. The Press Secretary Announces Those Decisions, And You People Of The Press Type Those Decisions Down. Make, Announce, Type. Just Put 'em Through A Spell Check And Go Home. The Greatest Thing About This Man Is He's Steady. You Know Where He Stands. He Believes The Same Thing Wednesday That He Believed On Monday, No Matter What Happened Tuesday. Events Can Change; This Man's Beliefs Never Will.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

Global Warming Isn't Real Because I Was Cold Today! Also Great News: World Hunger Is Over Because I Just Ate.

The Fate Of Our Country Is Now In The Hands Of People Who Don't Think About What They Want Until They Get Right Up To The Register At Mcdonald's.

I'm Not A Truthiness Fanatic, I'm Truthiness's Father.

Cameras Are Dangerous. With No Waiting Period Or Background Check, Any Whack-job Could Just Stroll Into A Wal-mart And Walk Out With A Semi-automatic. Now, For Years I've Been Pressing For Stricter Regulations On Cameras, Especially Around Our Elected Officials. Too Many Political Lives Have Been Cut Short By Some Crazed Shooter.

Nothing Is More Vintage Than Dying Of Rubella.

Corporations Have Free Speech, But They Can't Speak Like You And Me. They Don't Have Mouths Or Hands.

It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.

When The President Decides Something On Monday, He Still Believes It On Wednesday - No Matter What Happened Tuesday.

A Lot Of People Have Said, "oh, I, Boy, I Wish Hillary Clinton Would Just Go Away."

Like All Great Theologies, Bill [o'reilly]'s Can Be Boiled Down To One Sentence: There Must Be A God, Because I Don't Know How Things Work.

So What? A Lobbyist Cheated Indian Tribes Out Of $25 Million Then Laundered Their Money Through Phony Christian Charities Trying To Stop Other Indian Tribes From Getting Casinos [on Screen: 'thou Shalt Not Compete'] And Bribe Congressmen In The Process. Know What I Call That? I Call That Business As Usual In Washington. [on Screen: 'screwing Indians']

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

Cardinal Dolan, Of Course, Has A Very, Very Hard Job: Trying To Hold Up Catholic Family Values In Sexually Liberal New York City. I'm Not Saying New York Is The Gay Mecca. But It's At Least Gay-rusalem.

And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

Hatemongers Like Media Matters Take Innocent Statements Like Mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, And Bill O'reilly's And Make Them Offensive By Posting Them On The Internet, Allowing The General Public To Hear Words That Were Meant For People Who Already Agree With Us. Hey, Media Matters, You Want To End Offensive Speech? Then Stop Recording It For People Who Would Be Offended.

I Used To Write Things For Friends. There Was This Girl I Had A Crush On, And She Had A Teacher She Didn't Like At School. I Had A Real Crush On Her, So Almost Every Day I Would Write Her A Little Short Story Where She Would Kill Him In A Different Way.

Warmth Is To Sun, As Truth Is To Me.

With Late Night Show I Can Begin The Search For The Real Stephen Colbert.i Just Hope I Don't Find Him On Ashley Madison.

If You Love Friends, You Will Serve Your Friends. If You Love Community, You Will Serve Your Community. If You Love Money, You Will Serve Your Money. And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

Join Me In Standing Up Against Any Actual Knowledge About Guns. Let The Cdc Know They Can Take Away Our Ignorance When The Pry It From Our Cold Dead Minds.

The Only Thing That Gets Me High Is The Musky Scent Of My Enemy's Fear

Pissing Off Peta Is As Easy As Pie. Delicious Kitten Pie.

Laughter Brings The Swelling Down On Our National Psyche.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry. That's Why I Never Apologize To My Mirror.

Of Course! Jeb Bush! America Is Hungry For Another Leader From That Talented Family!

In The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

Sixty Eight Percent Of Republicans Don't Believe In Evolution. On The Other Hand, Only Five Percent Of Monkeys Believe In Republicans.

If Corporations Are People, I Guarantee You That A Government Of Those People, By Those People, And For Those People Will Continue To Exist.

Throughout Human History, Countries Rise And Fall. But Not America-we Continue To Rise And Rise, Like Dough, Until Jesus Bakes Us In The Fiery Afterscape Of The Rapture.

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N. Scott Momaday

Franklin D. Roosevelt

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