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Hatemongers Like Media Matters Take Innocent Statements Like Mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, And Bill O'reilly's And Make Them Offensive By Posting Them On The Internet, Allowing The General Public To Hear Words That Were Meant For People Who Already Agree With Us. Hey, Media Matters, You Want To End Offensive Speech? Then Stop Recording It For People Who Would Be Offended.

-Stephen Colbert

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Hatemongers Like Media Matters

Stephen Colbert

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Hatemongers Like Media Matters Take Innocent Statements Like Mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, And Bill O'reilly's And Make Them Offensive By Posting Them On The Internet, Allowing The General Public To Hear Words That Were Meant For People Who Already Agree With Us. Hey, Media Matters, You Want To End Offensive Speech? Then Stop Recording It For People Who Would Be Offended.

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If I Had One Wish, It Would Be For Self-drying Pants. Wait -- No! Unlimited Wishes! How Do I Return These Stupid Pants?!

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We [comics] Create Our Own Reality On The Show. I'm In A Cocoon Of The Character's Creation. Even Within That Reality, He's In A Cocoon. While I'm An Improviser And Enjoy Discovery, The Show Follows A Script. I Have A Pretty Good Idea What's Going To Happen. It's A Very crafted, Controlled Environment.

Internet Users, That Blue Screen Of Death You Were Looking At This Morning? That's The Sky. If You're Still Confused, Look It Up On Wikipedia Tomorrow.

My Character Is Self-important, Poorly Informed, Well-intentioned But An Idiot. So We Said, `let's Give Him A Promotion.'

Cameras Are Dangerous. With No Waiting Period Or Background Check, Any Whack-job Could Just Stroll Into A Wal-mart And Walk Out With A Semi-automatic. Now, For Years I've Been Pressing For Stricter Regulations On Cameras, Especially Around Our Elected Officials. Too Many Political Lives Have Been Cut Short By Some Crazed Shooter.

Thinking That Other People Might Be Better Than You Is What Makes You Canadian, Not American.

Don’t Get Me Wrong. Being A Mom Is No Picnic. Raising The Kids Is The Mother’s Responsibility. It’s A Thankless, Solitary Job, Like Sheriff Or Pope.

My Guest Newt Gingrich Shut Down The Government During The Clinton Administration. I'll Ask Him When It's Gonna Start Working Again.

Hey Yogurt, If You're So Cultured, How Come I Never See You At The Opera?

Pain Is The Body's Way Of Telling The Brain It's In Trouble. Similarly, Confusion Is The Brain's Way Of Telling The Body, 'all Right, Buddy, Drop That Book.

I'm Disappointed That My Own Catholic Church Has Decided That Capital Punishment Is Wrong. Which Is Pretty Hypocritical If You Think About It, Because They Wouldn't Even Have A Religion If It Wasn't For Capital Punishment.

John Boehner Chose A Huge Gavel. I Think Somebody's Compensating For His Small Government.

I Love The Truth. It's The Facts I'm Not A Fan Of.

Leaving Religious Texts Open Too Interpretation Is The Downfall Of Religion Itself. If It Is Truly The Word Of God Then There Is No Room For Interpretation; You Either Take All Of It Or None. There Is No Selective Belief

If You Love Friends, You Will Serve Your Friends. If You Love Community, You Will Serve Your Community. If You Love Money, You Will Serve Your Money. And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

I Spent My First Two Years At A Small All-male College In Virginia Called Hampden-sydney. That Was Like Going To College 120 Years Ago. The Languages, A Year Of Rhetoric, All Of The Great Books, Western Man Courses, Stuff Like That.

President Bush Has Embarked On An Eight-day Tour Of The Continent. He Hopes This One Goes Better Than The Other Ones He's Made Recently. Obviously He's Not Doing That Well In North America [on Screen: '36% Approval'], His South American Trip Had A Few Bumps [on Screen: 'angry Mobs Of Torch-carrying Bumps'], Europe Seems To Think The President Doesn't Care What They Think, But Hey, Who Cares What They Think? They Could At Least Thank Him For What He's Done For Their Burning Effigy Industry.

Divorce Is Marital Welfare.it’s Just Couples Asking Society To Bail Them Out Because They Didn’t Do Enough Research Before They Got Married.

I Must Confess That I've Never Trusted The Web. I've Always Seen It As A Coward's Tool. Where Does It Live? How Do You Hold It Personally Responsible? Can You Put A Distributed Network Of Fiber-optic Cable "on Notice"? And Is It Male Or Female? In Other Words, Can I Challenge It To A Fight?

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Benjamin Franklin

Berenice Abbott

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