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People Would Say, "oh, You Say You Just Do Jokes." I Don't Just Do Jokes. I Do Jokes. Jokes Are Important. They Saved My Life When I Was Younger. Hopefully We're Making Things Nicer At The End Of The Day For People. That's The Entire Goal, And That's The Touchstone And The North Star For The Tone.

-Stephen Colbert

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People Would Say, "oh,

Stephen Colbert

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People Would Say, "oh, You Say You Just Do Jokes." I Don't Just Do Jokes. I Do Jokes. Jokes Are Important. They Saved My Life When I Was Younger. Hopefully We're Making Things Nicer At The End Of The Day For People. That's The Entire Goal, And That's The Touchstone And The North Star For The Tone.

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London Olympics

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No One Has Any Idea What's Going To Happen. Not Even Elon Musk. That's Why He's Building Those Rockets. He Wants A 'plan B' On Another World.

The Fate Of Our Country Is Now In The Hands Of People Who Don't Think About What They Want Until They Get Right Up To The Register At Mcdonald's.

Forgot To Live-tweet The Election Last Night, So I'm Post-tweeting Today. I'll Start As Soon As My Fingers Unclench From Their Rage Fists.

The Interesting Thing About Fake News And Fake Media Is That It's A Heresy Against Reality. Again, As A Catholic, I Was Taught That The Greatest Sin Was Heresy. Because Not Only Are You A Sinner, You Are Proselytizing And Inviting Other People Into Your Sinful State Through Your Heresy. You're A Recruiter For Your Own Fallen State. Donald Trump Is A Heretic Against Reality. Basically, He's Lying For Sport. He's Inviting People Into His Heresy That There Is No Objective Reality.

Take The Platypus - That Is Not A Finished Product. It Is Clearly Still In Beta.

Nothing Is More Vintage Than Dying Of Rubella.

I Don't Like Books, They're All Fact, No Heart.

Comedians Dissect Jokes All The Time. Comedians Are Beautiful Structuralists. But Ultimately It's An Athletic Endeavor.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

In Order To Be A Top-tier Candidate, I Need 7.5 Million Dollars, And I Currently Have 0.0 Million Dollars.

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

Thirty Seconds Is The Exact Amount Of Time Americans Can Tolerate Something They Don't Understand.

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

We Are The Shadow Cast By Real People. And That Shadow Changes Shape As The News Cycle Changes Shape, So You Always Have Fresh Dirt To Dig In.

Anyone Can Read The News To You. I Promise To Feel The News At You.

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Robert Grosseteste

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