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I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

-Stephen Colbert

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I Am No Fan

Stephen Colbert

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I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

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I Love Being Onstage, I Love The Relationship With The Audience.

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Sorry To Disappoint The Liberals Who Tuned In Tonight To Gloat About Obama's Lead In Every Poll, But I Am Not Worried. Mccain May Be Behind, But The Man Is A Fighter. He Doesn't Know The Meaning Of The Word 'quit.' He Used To, But It Was Stored In The Same Part Of His Brain That Remembered To Vet His Running Mate.

...why Were You Happier When You Were A Kid? Because You Didn't Know Anything. The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.

If You Love Friends, You Will Serve Your Friends. If You Love Community, You Will Serve Your Community. If You Love Money, You Will Serve Your Money. And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

Of The Over 100,000 Wildfires That Happen In The U.s. Each Year, Not A Single One Would Get Started Without The Fire Triangle: Oxygen, Heat And Fuel. Fire Needs All Three To Exist. It's Like The Three Branches Of Our Government: Legislative, Judicial And Executive. The Fewer There Are, The Safer We Are.

Obamacare Takes Effect In Less Than Eight Months. Do You Realize What This Means? If You Go To The Emergency Room Now, You'll Be Covered By The Time You Finally See A Doctor.

If Women Are Breadwinners And Men Bring Home The Bacon, Why Do People Complain About Having No Dough? I'm Confused. Also Hungry.

I've Long Been Against Illegal Aliens, Partly Because They Distract Us From An Even Bigger Threat: Real Aliens.

The Yankees' Facebook Page Was Hacked. The Hacker Was Immediately Purchased And Signed To A 5 Year Contract With The Yankees.

I Gotta Tell You, I Do Not Envy Whoever They Try To Put In David Letterman's Chair. Folks Those Are Some Huge Shoes To Fill, And Some Really Big Pants.

Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty. People Love The President Because He's Certain Of His Choices As A Leader, Even If The Facts That Back Him Up Don't Seem To Exist. It's The Fact That He's Certain That Is Very Appealing To A Certain Section Of The Country. I Really Feel A Dichotomy In The American Populace. What Is Important? What You Want To Be True, Or What Is True?

You Said In Your Book That At The End Of The Day, Every Politician Is Human. What About During The Day?

The End Of The Day

I Am No Fan Of Books.

Some People Perceive Me As An Assassin Or At Least Someone Who Can Slip Under Your Guard With A Knife. But If You Watch What I Do, That's Almost Never The Case. I'm Just Trying To Keep The Balloon In The Air. It Rarely Turns Into Anything Combative.

I'm Getting Angry At Liberals.

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.

I Cannot Stand People Who Disagree With Me On The Issue Of Roe V. Wade... Which I Believe Is About The Proper Way To Cross A Lake.

I'm Obviously Younger, Much Better Looking [then Jeorge W.bush].he Didn't Veto Things, He Didn't Bring Order And Fiscal Restraint.

Keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.

Nothing Reassures Parents More Than Surrounding Their Kids With The Kind Of Guys Who Have A Lot Of Weapons And Nothing To Do On Weekdays.

To Sit Here At The Same Table With My Hero, George W. Bush...i Feel Like I'm Dreaming. Somebody Pinch Me. You Now What, I'm A Pretty Sound Sleeper, That May Not Be Enough...somebody Shoot Me In The Face.

I Don't Get Why The Government Is The Only One That Gets To Print Money.

This Is America. We Must Defend The Principles Symbolized By Lady Liberty - Unless She's On The Pill, In Which Case, She Is A Giant Green Tramp.

Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]

You Have A Firm Grasp Of The Obvious.

Contraception Leads To More Babies Being Born Out Of Wedlock, Like Fire Extinguishers Lead To More Fires.

Nc Passed Law Against Global Warming Science, Therefore It's Not Happening. So I'm Ignoring Twitter's 140-character Limit, So It's Not Happ

I Do My Show Half-hour A Night Four Nights A Week. I Haven't Seen My Kids In 18 Months, And I Am Losing Calcium In My Bones. Doctors Say I Should Stop. I'm Not Going To.

I'm Proud Of My Ability To Understand What Somebody Else Is Trying To Do And Help Them Achieve It, Because Part Of The Aesthetic Of Improvisation Is Service. You Never Say No. Serve The Servant, Follow The Follower. And That's Very Valuable In Your Life, As Well As Very Valuable In Your Actor's Work. I'm Damn Proud Of My Ability To Help Other People Achieve Their Ideas.

If A Poor Family Falls On Hard Times In The Woods, And No One Is Around To Care, Did It Really Happen?

Odyssey Dawn? That's Not A Military Operation. That's A Carnival Cruise Ship.

I Love The Earth. If You Ask Me It's The Greatest Planet In The World.

The Greatest Threat Facing American Today - Next To Voter Fraud, The Western Pinebark Beetle, And The Memory Foam Mattress - Is The National News Media.

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

Hatemongers Like Media Matters Take Innocent Statements Like Mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, And Bill O'reilly's And Make Them Offensive By Posting Them On The Internet, Allowing The General Public To Hear Words That Were Meant For People Who Already Agree With Us. Hey, Media Matters, You Want To End Offensive Speech? Then Stop Recording It For People Who Would Be Offended.

You Should Spend More Time With Your Families; Write That Novel You've Always Wanted To Write. You Know, The One About The Fearless Reporter Who Stands Up To The Administration. You Know - Fiction.

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There Hasn't Been A Scandal This Big At The C.i.a. Since (classified) Committed (censored) To (redacted).

Citizens United Said That Transparency Would Be The Disinfectant, But (c)(4)'s Are Warm, Wet, Moist Incubators. There Is No Disinfectant.

Citizens United

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Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.

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If I Had A Dime For Everytime That I Was Wrong, I'd Be Broke.

Try To Love Others And Serve Others And Hopefully Find Those Who Love And Serve You In Return.

If It's Called The Usa Today, Why Is All The News From Yesterday?

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

Scientists Have Invented A New Strain Of Cannabis Without The High. They Celebrated With Non-alcoholic Beer And Furious Dry-humping.

Last Night Was Super Tuesday - A 10-state Gop Primary Orgy. A Big, Sweaty Pile Of Lever-yankin Republican Voters. And Like Most Orgies, It Involves A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Who Are Not Appealing To Women.

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Facts Matter Not At All. Perception Is Everything. It's Certainty.

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

So What? A Lobbyist Cheated Indian Tribes Out Of $25 Million Then Laundered Their Money Through Phony Christian Charities Trying To Stop Other Indian Tribes From Getting Casinos [on Screen: 'thou Shalt Not Compete'] And Bribe Congressmen In The Process. Know What I Call That? I Call That Business As Usual In Washington. [on Screen: 'screwing Indians']

One Day,i Might Be Able To Tell My Grandkids I Interviewed The Last President Of The United States.

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If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

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Oh Sure, Its Fine When A Monkey Does It. But When I Throw Barrels At An Italian Plumber, They Call It A Hate Crime!

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We're Not Talking About Truth, We're Talking About Something That Seems Like Truth - The Truth We Want To Exist.

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Agnostics Are Just Atheists Without Balls.

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I’m The Frosting On America’s Cake, And Tonight I’m Willing To Let You Lick The Bowl.

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It's A Game. That's Why We Call It 'the News.' It's Just A Game.

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I Hope People'll Find Out Pretty Quickly That The Guy They Saw For 10 Years Was My Sense Of Humor The Whole Time.

Turn Up Your Hearing Aid 'grandpa', Because I'm Only Going To Say This Once!

If Someone Spreads Hate Then They're Not Your Religious Leader.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

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Cynicism Is An Enormous Problem. I'm Actually A Hopeful Person. But The Way To Stay Hopeful Is To Acknowledge And To Not Accept What Is Absolutely Amoral, Mentally Ill Behavior As Normal.

Destroying A Religious Symbol And Building A Religious Center Are Really The Same Thing If You Don't Think About It.

For Me, Improvisation Is About Working With A Partner. That Is Much Easier To Do In The Interview, Because You Have A Sounding Board.

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John Boehner Chose A Huge Gavel. I Think Somebody's Compensating For His Small Government.

In Order To Maintain An Untenable Position, You Have To Be Actively Ignorant. One Motto On The Show Is, 'keep Your Facts, I'm Going With The Truth.'

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Leaving Religious Texts Open Too Interpretation Is The Downfall Of Religion Itself. If It Is Truly The Word Of God Then There Is No Room For Interpretation; You Either Take All Of It Or None. There Is No Selective Belief

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

Even The Weather Page Is In A State Of Moral Decay. What?s Wrong With Red, White And Blue, Usa Today? This Rainbow Weather Map Is Just Another Example Of The Homometerological Agenda.

Internet Users, That Blue Screen Of Death You Were Looking At This Morning? That's The Sky. If You're Still Confused, Look It Up On Wikipedia Tomorrow.

I Suppose Fear Is Like A Drug. A Little Bit Isn't That Bad, But You Can Get Addicted To The Consumption And Distribution Of It.

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword, If You Shoot That Pen Out Of A Gun

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... For The Truth.

So If Animals Aren't Our Friends, Then What Are They? The Answer Can Be Summed Up Between Two Buns.

I'm Proud Of My Ability To Understand What Somebody Else Is Trying To Do And Help Them Achieve It, Because Part Of The Aesthetic Of Improvisation Is Service. We Don't Lead, We Only Follow. You Never Say No. Serve The Servant, Follow The Follower. And That's Very Valuable In Your Life, As Well As Very Valuable In Your Work.

Other People's Deconstruction Of Your Motivations Doesn't Help You Do What You Do. You Can't Swallow And Think About Swallowing At The Same Time.

I Don't Know A Lot About Politics. I Like Talking About Human Behavior. Politicians Are Funny To Me Because They Often Say One Thing And Behave A Different Way.

That’s Why Our Tvs Are Brimming With So Much Hot Man-on-pan Action. You Can’t Channel Surf For Long Without Seeing Turkey Getting Stuffed Over And Over Until They Finally Cut To The Gravy Shot.

If We Don't Cut Expensive Things Like Head Start, Child Nutrition Programs, And Teachers, What Sort Of Future Are We Leaving For Our Children?

It's No Surprise I Am Addicted To All The Republican Presidential Candidates. They Are Like Crack -- In That They Will Devastate Black Communities.

A Lot Of People Have Said, "oh, I, Boy, I Wish Hillary Clinton Would Just Go Away."

Of Course! Jeb Bush! America Is Hungry For Another Leader From That Talented Family!

If Anybody Needs Anything Else At Their Tables, Just Speak Slowly And Clearly Into Your Table Numbers. Someone From The Nsa Will Be Right Over With A Cocktail.

'sympathy For The Devil' Is Just Another Way Of Saying 'compassionate Conservative'.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

There Once Was A Man Name Barack, Whose Re-election Came As A Shock. He Raised The Taxes I Pay, And Then Turned Marriage Gay. And Now He's Coming After Your Glock.

The Only Thing That Keeps Us Going Back To One Another Is That We're All Filled With Such Enormous Self-doubt. We Have Doubts About Our Ability To Be Alone, To Self-actualize.

I Don't Think Anybody Can With A Straight Face Say That The Russians Did Not Set Out To Influence Our Election, And They Did So.

Northwestern's Alumni List Is Truly Impressive. This University Has Graduated Best-selling Authors, Olympians, Presidential Candidates, Grammy Winners, Peabody Winners, Emmy Winners, And That's Just Me!

Never Throw Caution To The Wind. It Could Whip Back Into Your Eyes And Blind You.

Atheism, A Religion Dedicated To Its Own Sense Of Smug Superiority.

I'm An Actor. I Hate To Blow Everyone's Illusions.

I Must Confess That I've Never Trusted The Web. I've Always Seen It As A Coward's Tool. Where Does It Live? How Do You Hold It Personally Responsible? Can You Put A Distributed Network Of Fiber-optic Cable "on Notice"? And Is It Male Or Female? In Other Words, Can I Challenge It To A Fight?

I Can't Prove It, But I Can Say It.

Cardinal Dolan, Of Course, Has A Very, Very Hard Job: Trying To Hold Up Catholic Family Values In Sexually Liberal New York City. I'm Not Saying New York Is The Gay Mecca. But It's At Least Gay-rusalem.

Make No Mistake - They're Coming For Our Guns. And We Freedom-loving Gun Lovers Are Totally Defenseless! Other Than, You Know, The Guns.

The Beauty Of New Media Is That No Evidence Is Necessary. The Brave Blog-troopers Have Stormed The Cockpit Of News, And Wrestled The Joystick Of Authority Away From The Seasoned Pilots Of The Press Who Would Land Our Country At The Facts International Airport.

A Press That Has Validity Is A Press That Has Authority. And As Soon As There's Any Authority To What The Press Says, You Question The Authority Of The Government - It's Like The Existence Of Another Authority.

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

Foreign Newspapers: If They've Got Nothing To Hide, How Come They Don't Print Them In English?

It's August, Which Means Congress Is On Recess And Mitch Mcconnell Has Shimmied Back Into The Ocean To Seek A Mate.

We Claim No Respectability. There's No Status I Would Not Surrender For A Joke. So We Don't Have To Defend Anything.

Tomorrow You're All Going To Wake Up In A Brave New World, A World Where The Constitution Gets Trampled By An Army Of Terrorist Clones Created In A Stem-cell Research Lab Run By Homosexual Doctors Who Sterilize Their Instruments Over Burning American Flags. Where Tax And Spend Democrats Take All Your Hard-earned Money And Use It To Buy Electric Cars For National Public Radio And Teach Evolution To Illegal Immigrants. Oh... And Everybody's High!

Brave New World

Can You Really Put A Price On Annoying Two Religions At Once?

I Am Down With The Latest Trends. And Everyone Knows, The Thing On The Streets Is Vampires. So I Have Been Biting People On The Neck.

Why Would We Go To War On Women? They Don't Have Any Oil.

I Not Only Loved Studying Theater, I Loved Being A Theater Major. It Gave Me An Excuse To Brood, To Grow A Beard, To Wear Black 'at' People. I Didn't Just Want To Play Hamlet, I Wanted To Be Hamlet.

It Is A Well Known Fact That Reality Has Liberal Bias.

To All The Worryworts Out There Who Said Super Pacs Were Going To Lead To A Cabal Of Billionaires Secretly Buying Democracy: Wrong! They Are Publicly Buying Democracy.

A Father Has To Be A Provider, A Teacher, A Role Model, But Most Importantly, A Distant Authority Figure Who Can Never Be Pleased. Otherwise, How Will Children Ever Understand The Concept Of God?

Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.

You Know What I Hate About People Who Criticize You? They - They Criticize What You Say But They Never Give You Credit For How Loud You Say It.

I Guess 14% Plus Jesus Equals Victory

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, Kids. It's Only The Dogs Who've Accepted Christ.

I Could Sit Toe To Toe At A Potato Table With Anybody.

I Tell A Lot Of Young Performers, 'go Get In Trouble. Go Commit Yourself To Something You're Not Sure You Can Do.' And I Followed My Own Advice.

After Obsessively Googling Symptoms For Four Hours, I Discovered 'obsessively Googling Symptoms' Is A Symptom Of Hypochondria.

Shamelessness Is A Wonderful Part Of The Character.

Every Night On My Show, The Colbert Report, I Speak Straight From The Gut, Okay? I Give People The Truth, Unfiltered By Rational Argument. I Call It "the No Fact Zone.

Can't Wait For Tomorrow When I Get To Exercise My Patriotic Duty As An American: Complaining About How Long It's Taking To Vote.

(rush Are) Like The Jd Salinger Of Canadian Prog Rock

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I've Been Accused Of Being Unambitious, But What I Do Takes Up Every Minute. I'm Executive Producer, I'm A Writer And The Host.

What I Rediscovered Was The Therapeutic Nature Of Singing Lessons. They're Like Doing Yoga But For [the] Inside Of Your Body. You Open Up And Use Muscles That You Don't Think Of As Malleable.

I Love Being Onstage. I Love The Relationship With The Audience. I Love The Letting Go, The Sense Of Discovery, The Improvising.

I Thought Black Friday Was When Everyone Puts On Blackface And Steals Children From Wal-mart.

I Just Think Rosa Parks Was Overrated. Last Time I Checked, She Got Famous For Breaking The Law.

I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

(on Fox News).... It's Like Watching A Disney Movie About The News.

It Warps The Minds Of Our Children And Weakens The Resolve Of Our Allies.

New Study Reveals Men Like To Cuddle. Another Study Reveals Men Will Say Anything To Get Into Bed With A Woman.

I Believe That People, More Often Than Not, Act With The Best Possible Intentions. And When They Don't, That's Funny To Me. That's Why Comedy Ends Up Seeming Cynical, Because You're Talking About The Gap Between What People Say And What They Do.

My Brother Billy Was The Joke Teller. My Brother Jim Had A Really Sharp, Cutting Wit. And The Teller Of Long Stories, That Was My Brother Ed. As A Child, I Just Absorbed Everything They Said, And I Was Always In Competition For The Laughs.

I Like Talking About People Who Don't Have Any Power And It Seems Like Some Of The Least Powerful People In The United States Are The Migrant Workers Who Come And Do Our Work And Don't Have Any Rights As A Result. And Yet We Still Invite Them To Come Here, And At The Same Time Ask Them To Leave.

Take Away The Big Bang And What Has God Done? Burned A Bush And Got A Girl Pregnant. Great, He's A High School Junior.

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

After Nearly 15 Minutes Of Soul Searching, I Have Heard The Call. Nation, I Will Seek The Office Of The President Of The United States. I Am Doing It!

Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.

You See, We're America The Beautiful, Not America 'well, At Least She Has A Great Personality'.

The Lead Singer Of Creed Says He Won’t Endorse President Obama. Well That Settles It -- Obama Will Not Win The 1998 Presidential Election.

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

Apply Truth Liberally To The Inflamed Area.

My Guest Newt Gingrich Shut Down The Government During The Clinton Administration. I'll Ask Him When It's Gonna Start Working Again.

Donald Trump Is A Strong President. We Got To Stand Behind This Guy Is What I Think.

You Are About To Start The Greatest Improvisation Of All. With No Script. No Idea What's Going To Happen, Often With People And Places You Have Never Seen Before. And You Are Not In Control. So Say 'yes.' And If You're Lucky, You'll Find People Who Will Say 'yes' Back.

What's The Worst That Can Happen? A Tidal Wave? Glaciers With Guns?

It's Clear That When We're This Outnumbered By The Creatures, We Have To Take A Page From The British Empire And Rule The Lesser Species Through Intimidation. That's Why The Single Most Important Thing You Can Do As A Human Is To Dominate An Animal. Need More Proof?rule Over The Fish Of The Sea And The Birds Of The Air And Over Every Living Creature That Moves On The Ground. I'd Say That About Covers It.

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

Yesterday In A 25 To 24 Vote, Republicans Welcomed Back Lott Back Into Their Leadership And Named Him Minority Whip. That Is Great For Trent. They Say Minority Whip Is A Stepping Stone To Grand Wizard.

As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.

You Can't Swallow And Think About Your Tongue. If You Think About Your Tongue, You've Got A Giant Piece Of Meat In Your Mouth And That's A Terrible Feeling.

Here's How It Works: The President Makes Decisions. He's The Decider. The Press Secretary Announces Those Decisions, And You People Of The Press Type Those Decisions Down. Make, Announce, Type. Just Put 'em Through A Spell Check And Go Home. The Greatest Thing About This Man Is He's Steady. You Know Where He Stands. He Believes The Same Thing Wednesday That He Believed On Monday, No Matter What Happened Tuesday. Events Can Change; This Man's Beliefs Never Will.

Oops! I Always Thought Peta Stood For Please Eat This Animal.

Don't Be Bitter. Everybody Suffers. If You Can Accept Your Suffering Then You Will Understand Other People Better. Be Grateful For Pain. Love Life.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk. By This Time Tomorrow, It'll Be Free Yogurt.

I Have A Generally Liberal Audience, But They Will Applaud When I Nail A Liberal Lion.

Luckily, A Recent Survey Published In The American Sociological Review Revealed That Atheists Are The Least Trusted Group In America—less Trusted, Even, Than Homosexuals. It Makes Sense At Least We Trust The Homosexuals With Our Hair.

Making A Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

Better Tomorrow

As A Rule, Germans Shouldn't Do Comedy. Their Last Box Office Comedy Was Nosferatu.

Opinions Are Like Demo Tapes. I Don't Want To Hear Yours

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

My Grandfather Did Not Travel Across 4,000 Miles Of The Atlantic Ocean To See This Country Overrun By Immigrants. He Did It Because He Killed A Man Back In Ireland.

If You're Injecting Fear Into Other People, Then You're Trying To Kill Their Minds. You're Trying To Get Them To Stop Thinking.

I Don't Trust Books. They're All Fact, No Heart. And That's Exactly What's Pulling Our Country Apart Today. Because Face It, Folks, We Are A Divided Nation. Not Between Democrats Or Republicans, Or Conservatives And Liberals, Or Tops And Bottoms. No, We Are Divided By Those Who Think With Their Head, And Those Who Know With Their Heart.

Cynics Always Say No. Saying Yes Leads To Knowledge. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say Yes.

I'm Not A Fan Of The Facts. Facts Change; My Opinion Never Does.

It's Like Boxing A Glacier. Enjoy That Metaphor, By The Way, Because Your Grandchildren Will Have No Idea What A Glacier Is.

So My Heart Goes Out To Them. Figuratively. I Would Never Actually Entrust My Heart To Scientists—they'd Probably Implant It In A Baboon. And A Baboon With My Heart Would Be Practically Unstoppable. Baboon Strength And Agility Combined With My Determination And Media Savvy? It Would Be A Threat To All Of Humanity.

Like O'rielly, We'll Grab The Most Important Word Of Each Sentence... 'the' For Example. Also, I'll Say, 'i'm Angry,' And The Graphic Will Read, 'colbert Angry.

I Believed In Global Warming After Al Gore's Movie Made Money; The Market Had Spoken.

I Believe Sarah Palin Is A True Statesman, Whose Experience As A Failed Vice Presidential Candidate, Half-term Governor And Eight-episode Reality Star Has Fully Prepared Her To Take Control Of Our Nuclear Arsenal.

You Don't Want To Just Do A Joke Because It Works - We Can Make A Lot Of Jokes Work - You Want To Do A Joke Because It Will Hopefully Build Into An Argument.

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

Truthiness Is "what I Say Is Right, And [nothing] Anyone Else Says Could Possibly Be True." It's Not Only That I Feel It To Be True, But That I Feel It To Be True. There's Not Only An Emotional Quality, But There's A Selfish Quality.

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