Background Image

...

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

-Stephen Colbert

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Life Is Chaotic And

Stephen Colbert

...

Life Is Chaotic And Unpredictable. If A Butterfly Flaps Its Wings In One Part Of The World, It Could Cause People At The Opposite End Of The Globe To Watch A Discovery Channel Special On Butterflies

Views: 6

Topic

More From Stephen Colbert

It's August, Which Means Congress Is On Recess And Mitch Mcconnell Has Shimmied Back Into The Ocean To Seek A Mate.

Republicans: The Party That Brought Us 'just Say No.' First As A Drug Policy, Then As Their Entire Platform.

Agnostics Are Just Atheists Without Balls.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Gay. I Have Plenty Of Friends Who Are Going To Hell.

Now We All Know That Fidel Castro Dressed Up Like Marilyn Monroe And Gave Jfk A Case Of Syphilis So Bad It Eventually Blew Out The Back Of His Head.

It's Official. Highway Patrolmen Are Not Susceptible To The Jedi Mind Trick.

Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry. That's Why I Never Apologize To My Mirror.

You Said In Your Book That At The End Of The Day, Every Politician Is Human. What About During The Day?

The End Of The Day

The Greatest Threat Facing American Today - Next To Voter Fraud, The Western Pinebark Beetle, And The Memory Foam Mattress - Is The National News Media.

After Nearly 15 Minutes Of Soul Searching, I Have Heard The Call. Nation, I Will Seek The Office Of The President Of The United States. I Am Doing It!

There's An Old Saying About Those Who Forget History. I Don't Remember It, But It's Good.

Christianity Is The Best Way To Cure Gayness — Just Get On Your Knees, Take A Swig Of Wine, And Accept The Body Of A Man Into Your Mouth.

I Love Making Observations. That One Is A Classic Example.

Oh Sure, Its Fine When A Monkey Does It. But When I Throw Barrels At An Italian Plumber, They Call It A Hate Crime!

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

I'm Not A Fan Of The Facts. Facts Change; My Opinion Never Does.

If The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul, Then Why Does It Hurt When I Spray Them With Windex?

Window To The Soul

My Character Is Self-important, Poorly Informed, Well-intentioned But An Idiot. So We Said, `let's Give Him A Promotion.'

If You Are A Hermaphrodite, It Is Physically Impossible To Be Gay.

Washington Is Dangerously Positioned Between Two Canadas, Canada Canada And California's Canada, Oregon.

I'm Fascinated That People Drawn To Cults Want To Know What To Do. And People Want To Know What To Think. And People Want To Know How To Feel. Not Just What To Feel But How To Feel.

If Our Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Care About The Rest Of The World, They Wouldn't Have Declared Their Independence From It.

I Believe All God's Creatures Have A Soul... Except Bears, Bears Are Godless Killing Machines!

It's No Surprise I Am Addicted To All The Republican Presidential Candidates. They Are Like Crack -- In That They Will Devastate Black Communities.

I Live By Syllogisms: God Is Love. Love Is Blind. Stevie Wonder Is Blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder Is God. I Don't Know What I'd Believe In If It Wasn't For That.

So If Animals Aren't Our Friends, Then What Are They? The Answer Can Be Summed Up Between Two Buns.

Once I'm Performing The Show, I Think That Hour Show Has A Certain Intimacy With Our Audience. And That Intimacy Is Through The Lens And The Live Audience Is A Witness To That, Whereas The Audience At Home Is Actually The Object Of My Efforts.

Senator John Kyle Claiming That Over 90 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 Percent, That Is Unbelievable...in That It Is Not True. Only 3 Percent Of What Planned Parenthood Does Is Abortion. Kyle Just Rounded It Up To The Nearest 90.

The Interesting Thing About Fake News And Fake Media Is That It's A Heresy Against Reality. Again, As A Catholic, I Was Taught That The Greatest Sin Was Heresy. Because Not Only Are You A Sinner, You Are Proselytizing And Inviting Other People Into Your Sinful State Through Your Heresy. You're A Recruiter For Your Own Fallen State. Donald Trump Is A Heretic Against Reality. Basically, He's Lying For Sport. He's Inviting People Into His Heresy That There Is No Objective Reality.

New Study Reveals Men Like To Cuddle. Another Study Reveals Men Will Say Anything To Get Into Bed With A Woman.

Well China, You Got Us. Phelps Was Doping - And He Still Beat You. He Smoked The Sticky-icky, And Then He Smoked Your Ass!

London Olympics

There Was Sort Of A Negative Association With The Military. Maybe Growing Up In The South Or Being In A Family With Members Of The Military, I Didn't Have That Negative Connotation, But I Did Have This 'separate' Connotation. I Was Ashamed To Realize I Had It And Did Not Realize I Had It Until I Was [in Iraq]. I Was So Impressed By The People I Met Over There And There Was Just A Sense Of Connection And Gratitude Towards Those People.

We All Know Why [the Generals] Are So Critical Of The Defense Secretary. They're Being Defensive Because They Weren't Able To Implement His Brilliant Plan [on Screen: Operation 'greet Us As Liberators']. It Was So Simple: Go In With 100,000 Troops, Topple The Regime, Everybody Loves Us, And We Leave By Easter 2003. These Ex-military Men Have Their Right To Their Opinions, That's Fine. They Just Shouldn't Voice Them During A War [on Screen: 'loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

We Will Try To Honor David Letterman Achievement By Doing The Best Show We Can.and Occasionally Making The Network Very Mad At Us.

I'm Just Very Interested In What My Guests Have To Say. You Have To Be Vigilant To Stay Ignorant.

Today, Folks, Should Be All About Love. Unless You're Old.

Funny Valentines Day

Wikipedia Is The First Place I Go When I'm Looking For Knowledge... Or When I Want To Create Some.

I Know There Are Some Polls Out There Saying This Man Has A 32% Approval Rating. But Guys Like Us, We Don't Pay Attention To The Polls. We Know That Polls Are Just A Collection Of Statistics That Reflect What People Are Thinking In Reality. And Reality Has A Well-known Liberal Bias.

There Once Was A Man Name Barack, Whose Re-election Came As A Shock. He Raised The Taxes I Pay, And Then Turned Marriage Gay. And Now He's Coming After Your Glock.

What Are The Origins Of Dressage? Did Just, One Day, Some Young Horse Say To His Dad, 'dad, I Don't Want To Charge Into Battle...i Just Wanna Dance'?

You Don't Look Up Truthiness In A Book, You Look It Up In Your Gut.

If Someone Does Offer You A Job, Say 'yes.' You Can Always Quit Later. Then At Least You'll Be One Of The Unemployed As Opposed To One Of The Never-employed. Nothing Looks Worse On A Resume Than Nothing.

I Can't Be Gay! I'm A Happily Married Conservative, Just Like Ted Haggard And Larry Craig.

You Can Change The World. Please Don't Do That, Ok? Some Of Us Like The Way Things Are Going Now.

Hey, Single Malt Scotch, Youre Thirty Years Old. When Are You Going To Settle Down And Get Married To My Stomach?

Some Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are Doomed To Repeat It.' I Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are In For A Big Surprise.'

The Trouble With The Jokes Is That Once They're Written, I Know How They're Supposed To Work, And All I Can Do Is Not Hit Them. I'm More Comfortable Improvising. If I Have Just Two Or Three Ideas And I Know How The Character Feels, What The Character Wants, Everything In Between Is Like Trapeze Work.

I'm More American Than Apple Pie. I'm Like Apple Pie, With A Hot Dog In It.

We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

I'm A Junkie For Exhaustion, And I'm A Junkie For Setting Up My Expectations Too High And Then Trying To Meet Them.

Any Religion Whose Messiah’s Name Isn’t Recognized By Microsoft Word Can’t Be That Much Of A Threat.

Other People's Deconstruction Of Your Motivations Doesn't Help You Do What You Do. You Can't Swallow And Think About Swallowing At The Same Time.

Even The Weather Page Is In A State Of Moral Decay. What?s Wrong With Red, White And Blue, Usa Today? This Rainbow Weather Map Is Just Another Example Of The Homometerological Agenda.

I Like Talking About People Who Don't Have Any Power And It Seems Like Some Of The Least Powerful People In The United States Are The Migrant Workers Who Come And Do Our Work And Don't Have Any Rights As A Result. And Yet We Still Invite Them To Come Here, And At The Same Time Ask Them To Leave.

It's The Way Our Founding Fathers Would Have Wanted It, If They Had Founded Corporations Instead Of Just A Country.

I'm Getting Angry At Liberals.

In America, We Know To Ignore Artists If They're Serious In Any Way.

Cameras Are Dangerous. With No Waiting Period Or Background Check, Any Whack-job Could Just Stroll Into A Wal-mart And Walk Out With A Semi-automatic. Now, For Years I've Been Pressing For Stricter Regulations On Cameras, Especially Around Our Elected Officials. Too Many Political Lives Have Been Cut Short By Some Crazed Shooter.

I Would Say Laughter Is The Best Medicine. But It's More Than That. It's An Entire Regime Of Antibiotics And Steroids.

Corporations Have Free Speech, But They Can't Speak Like You And Me. They Don't Have Mouths Or Hands.

So, If I'm No Cheerleader Of Sports, Why Write A Chapter About It? Sports Do Have Some Positive Impact On Society. They Solve Problems, Such As How To Get Inner-city Kids To Spend $175 On Shoes. They Serve As A Backdrop For Some Of Our Most Memorable Commercials. And They Remain The One And Only Relevant Application Of Math. Not Only That, But We Have Sports To Thank For Most Of The Last Century's Advances In Manliness. The System Starts In School, Where Gym Class Separates The Men From The Boys. Then Those Men Are Taught To Be Winners, Or At Least, Losers That Hate Themselves.

The More You Know, The Sadder You Get.

I'm Not Here To Affect You Politically Or Socially. I'm Here To Make You Laugh. I Use The News As The Palette For My Jokes.

Used Books Are The Sluts Of The Literary World. Passed Around From Person To Person, Spreading Their Pages For Anyone, Getting Cheaper And Cheaper Until Eventually They End Up In Prison.

Don't Be Bitter. Everybody Suffers. If You Can Accept Your Suffering Then You Will Understand Other People Better. Be Grateful For Pain. Love Life.

Everything In Nature Has Found A Niche, A Perfect Harmony Of Balance. Man Need To Find His Niche, His Perfect Balance, Where He Fits In The Natural Cycle

News For The Godless: Religion Is Inescapable. There Has Never Been A Human Society Without Some Form Of Worship. And Don't Point To Communist Societies Like The Soviet Union - They Worshipped Blue Jeans.

Donald Trump, Yes, He's Somebody's Little Boy. But He Is His Ideas Because His Ideas Are What's Going To Affect Us. As A Man, He Can Do Very Little. But His Ideas Could Kill Us All.

I Imagined Myself Living In New York In Some Sort Of Open, Large But Sparse Studio Apartment With A Lot Of Blond Wood And A Futon On The Floor And A Bubbling Samovar Of Tea In The Background And A Big Beard - Living Alone But With My Beard - And Doing Theater. That's What I Thought My Life Would Be.

Oops! I Always Thought Peta Stood For Please Eat This Animal.

There's Nothing American Tourists Like More Than The Things They Can Get At Home.

There's A Wonderfully Cooperative Relationship Between Management And Labor Right Now. Much Like The Historic Partnership Between Oranges And A Juicer.

Northwestern's Alumni List Is Truly Impressive. This University Has Graduated Best-selling Authors, Olympians, Presidential Candidates, Grammy Winners, Peabody Winners, Emmy Winners, And That's Just Me!

The Way To A Man's Heart Is Through His Stomach...just Make Sure You Thrust Upward Through His Ribcage.

I Not Only Loved Studying Theater, I Loved Being A Theater Major. It Gave Me An Excuse To Brood, To Grow A Beard, To Wear Black 'at' People. I Didn't Just Want To Play Hamlet, I Wanted To Be Hamlet.

Everybody Loves Dogs. They're The Pizza Of The Animal Kingdom.

Cynics Always Say No. Saying Yes Leads To Knowledge. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say Yes.

I’m The Frosting On America’s Cake, And Tonight I’m Willing To Let You Lick The Bowl.

I May Be Just An Empty Flesh Terminal Reliant On Technology For All My Ideas, Memories And Relationships, But I Am Confident That All Of That Everything That Makes Me A Unique Human Being Is Still Out There Somewhere, Safe In A Theoretical Storage Space Owned By Giant, Multinational Corporations.

Am I Proud Of Being Straight? No. You Know Why? Because If I Start Acting Proud, That's Going To Make Me Seem Kind Of Gay.

You've Gotta Understand What Putin's Strategy Is. He Really Doesn't Like Democracy. He Thinks It's An Inconvenient, Messy Process. And He Doesn't Like Us, And He Wants To Destabilize Our Country; Sow Doubt About Our Democracy.

There's A Buzz To Failing And Not Dying.

I Used To Make Up Stuff In My Bio All The Time, That I Used To Be A Professional Ice-skater And Stuff Like That. I Found It So Inspirational. Why Not Make Myself Cooler Than I Am?

I Don't Like Books, They're All Fact, No Heart.

If You're A Perfectionist And You Know You're About To Do Something At Which You Cannot Be Perfect, Then That Is Daunting Because You Know What Your Heart Is Like And The Way You Approach Your Work.

If I Thought I Knew What Was Going To Happen, It Wouldn't Be Worth Doing. The Challenge Is How Joyfully, With What Sense Of Fun And Adventure And Playfulness, We Will Greet It. We Don't Have To Look For What The Next Thing Will Be. If Experience Is Any Judge, It'll Come Flowing Toward Us Like A River.

I Am No Fan Of Books. And Chances Are, If You're Reading This, You And I Share A Healthy Skepticism About The Printed Word. Well, I Want You To Know That This Is The First Book I've Ever Written, And I Hope It's The First Book You've Ever Read. Don't Make A Habit Of It.

Will Herman Cain Become The First Black President That I Acknowledge? I Call Him A Dark Horse Because He's An Unlikely Candidate Who Surged Forward, And Not Because He's A Horse.

Now, I Don't See Color. People Tell Me I'm White And I Believe Them Because Police Officers Call Me 'sir'.

I Thought Black Friday Was When Everyone Puts On Blackface And Steals Children From Wal-mart.

I'm Not A Standup. I Didn't Start Off As A Writer, I Learned To Write Through Improvisation, And So That's The Part Of The Show That Can Most Surprise Me. The Written Part Of The Show, I Know I Can Get Wrong. You Can't Really Get The Interview "wrong."

Yes, Dr. King Is Pro-gun Just As Surely As Jesus Would Be Pro-nails.

Yesterday In A 25 To 24 Vote, Republicans Welcomed Back Lott Back Into Their Leadership And Named Him Minority Whip. That Is Great For Trent. They Say Minority Whip Is A Stepping Stone To Grand Wizard.

Arbitrary Rules Teach Kids Discipline: If Every Rule Made Sense, They Wouldn't Be Learning Respect For Authority, They'd Be Learning Logic.

Al Gore Has A Hit Movie Called 'an Inconvenient Truth.' I Have An Inconvenient Truth For Him: You're Still Not The President. ... This Past Weekend, Al Gore's Movie, 'an Inconvenient Truth,' Earned More Per Screen Than Any Film In The Country. ... I Dare Say Gore's Movie Is The Highest Grossing Powerpoint Presentation In History. ... Global Warming: Can We Live With It? ... It Is Time We Did Something, Namely Resign Ourselves To Doing Nothing [on Screen: Follow Congress' Lead]. ... For Instance, When Sea Levels Rise, We'll Just Build Levees [on Screen: Worked For New Orleans]

If God Wanted Us To Accept Gays, He'd Have Made Us Compassionate

I Welcome Opposing Viewpoints, But I Should Warn You That You'll Be Facing Off Against The 2nd-place Finisher At The 1981 Charleston County High-school Debate Tournament. And Whatever Became Of That County Champ Who Argued In Favor Of Tractor Safety Modifications? Last Time I Checked, She Didn't Have Her Own Show.

We Are Divided Between Those Who Think With Their Heads And Those Who Know With Their Heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If You Think About Harriet Miers, Of Course Her Nomination Is Absurd. But The President Didn't Say He Thought About His Selection. He Said This: "i Know Her Heart." Notice How He Said Nothing About Her Brain? He Didn't Have To. He Feels The Truth About Harriet Miers.

Last Night Was Super Tuesday - A 10-state Gop Primary Orgy. A Big, Sweaty Pile Of Lever-yankin Republican Voters. And Like Most Orgies, It Involves A Bunch Of Middle Aged Guys Who Are Not Appealing To Women.

God Works In Mysterious Ways But At Least He Works, He's Never On Welfare In A Mysterious Way.

Mysterious Ways

Republicans Will Need To Work Hard To Capture The Latino Vote Instead Of Their Current Strategy Of Capturing Latinos.

You Seem Cynical Because You're Always Talking About That Selfish Behavior That's Dressed Up As Altruism. It Doesn't Mean There Isn't Altruism. It Just Means That It's Harder To Make Jokes About Altruism.

To All The Worryworts Out There Who Said Super Pacs Were Going To Lead To A Cabal Of Billionaires Secretly Buying Democracy: Wrong! They Are Publicly Buying Democracy.

Charles Darwin Got Totally Hammered, Woke Up Next To A Monkey And Decided He Had To Come Up With A Theory To Make It All Okay.

And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

Give A Man A Fish And He'll Eat For A Day. Give A Man A Sub-prime Fish Loan And You're In Business, Buddy.

The Entire Future Of Marriage Rests With Justice Anthony Kennedy, The Man Who Declared In Citizens United That Corporations Are People With Constitutional Rights. I Just Hope He Doesn't Do Anything Rash, Like Declare That Homosexuals Are People With Constitutional Rights.

Ghost Of Bobby: No, No You Can't Eat Me. I'm A Ghost. Stephen Colbert: That Just Means That There's Less Bones To Pick Out.

Turn Up Your Hearing Aid 'grandpa', Because I'm Only Going To Say This Once!

Remember, You Cannot Be Both Young And Wise. Young People Who Pretend To Be Wise To The Ways Of The World Are Mostly Just Cynics. Cynicism Masquerades As Wisdom, But It Is The Farthest Thing From It. Because Cynics Don’t Learn Anything. Because Cynicism Is A Self-imposed Blindness, A Rejection Of The World Because We Are Afraid It Will Hurt Us Or Disappoint Us. Cynics Always Say No. But Saying “yes” Begins Things. Saying “yes” Is How Things Grow. Saying “yes” Leads To Knowledge. “yes” Is For Young People. So For As Long As You Have The Strength To, Say “yes'.

If I Had A Dime For Everytime That I Was Wrong, I'd Be Broke.

John Boehner Chose A Huge Gavel. I Think Somebody's Compensating For His Small Government.

I Didn't Realize Quite How Liberal I Was Until I Was Asked To Make Passionate Comedic Choices As Opposed To Necessarily Successful Comedic Choices.

I've Said It A Million Times: Romance Languages Lead To Premarital Sex.

You Have To Do Your First Penance Before Your First Holy Communion. You're Really Young. What Do You Know? You've Got Nothing To Confess. All I Knew Was That I Was An Evil Human Whose Sins Caused The Death Of Our Lord.

If I Had Free Time To Go To Los Angeles To Shoot A Movie, I Would Rather Spend It With My Kids.

When Meeting Royalty, It Is Very Important, No Matter How Excited You Are, Not To Vomit On Them. Instead, Vomit On The Nearest Commoner.

The Beauty Of New Media Is That No Evidence Is Necessary. The Brave Blog-troopers Have Stormed The Cockpit Of News, And Wrestled The Joystick Of Authority Away From The Seasoned Pilots Of The Press Who Would Land Our Country At The Facts International Airport.

First, [in High School], I Smoked A Lot Of Pot...and That's How I Got To Know The People 'half In' The Society Of My High School And We Waved At Each Other Over The Bong. Then I Got To Know People By Making Jokes.

I Did Learn Something Interesting [while At The Atlanta Airport]. You Have To Be A Member Of The Tsa In Order To Legally Perform A Cavity Search. My Apologies To The Staff Of Cinnabon, But You Guys Should Really Keep That Extra Frosting Where The Customers Can Find It.

I'm A Huge News Junkie. I Love What The News Does.

If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

I'm Not Going To Name Any Names, But Let's Just Say, I Want To Do Jokes On Donald Trump So Badly, And I Have No Venue. So Right Now, I'm Just Dry Trumping.

Young Girls Are Obsessed With Having A Thigh Gap. I Blame The Impossible Body Standards Set By Spongebob.

You Have A Firm Grasp Of The Obvious.

Internet Users, That Blue Screen Of Death You Were Looking At This Morning? That's The Sky. If You're Still Confused, Look It Up On Wikipedia Tomorrow.

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream... For The Truth.

Yeah, Silver And His Math Are Jokes, Because Math Has A Liberal Bias. After All, Math Is The Reason Mitt Romney's Tax Plan Doesn't Add Up.

Warmth Is To Sun, As Truth Is To Me.

If You Like Battlestar Galactica...you're Probably A Huge Nerd.

If Anybody Needs Anything Else At Their Tables, Just Speak Slowly And Clearly Into Your Table Numbers. Someone From The Nsa Will Be Right Over With A Cocktail.

Texas Governor Rick Perry Has Been In The Race Only Three Days, And He's Already Blowing Away The Competition Like It Is A Trespassing Coyote.

Life Is An Improvisation. You Have No Idea What's Going To Happen Next And You Are Mostly Just Making Things Up As You Go Along.

Nasa Scientists Have Discovered A New Form Of Life, Unfortunately, It Won't Date Them Either.

Contrary To What People May Say, There's No Upper Limit To Stupidity.

Join Me In Standing Up Against Any Actual Knowledge About Guns. Let The Cdc Know They Can Take Away Our Ignorance When The Pry It From Our Cold Dead Minds.

My Grandfather Did Not Travel Across 4,000 Miles Of The Atlantic Ocean To See This Country Overrun By Immigrants. He Did It Because He Killed A Man Back In Ireland.

Global Warming Isn't Real Because I Was Cold Today! Also Great News: World Hunger Is Over Because I Just Ate.

And When Those Bombs Went Off, There Were Runners Who, After Finishing A Marathon, Kept Running For Another Two Miles To The Hospital To Donate Blood. So, Here's What I Know - These Maniacs May Have Tried To Make Life Bad For The People Of Boston, But All They Can Ever Do, Is Show Just How Good Those People Are.

I Don't Want Someone Shoving His Views Down My Throat, Unless They're Covered In A Crunchy Candy Shell.

Foreign Newspapers: If They've Got Nothing To Hide, How Come They Don't Print Them In English?

Twenty-two Astronauts Were Born In Ohio. What Is It About Your State That Makes People Want To Flee The Earth?" - Stephen Colbert To Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "the Colbert Report," November 3, 2005

You Have To Have A Passionate Opinion; Otherwise You Sound False. You End Up Telling The Audience Jokes They've Already Heard.

I Hold A Little Fundraiser Every Day. Its Called Going To Work.

Yes, President Romney Will Not Take God Off Our Coins. And That Is So Important Because Right Now, Just Like God, The Value Of Our Currency Really Has To Be Taken On Faith.

I Suppose Fear Is Like A Drug. A Little Bit Isn't That Bad, But You Can Get Addicted To The Consumption And Distribution Of It.

We're Not Talking About Truth, We're Talking About Something That Seems Like Truth - The Truth We Want To Exist.

I Believe In Pulling Yourself Up By Your Own Bootstraps. I Believe It Is Possible — I Saw This Guy Do It Once In Cirque Du Soleil. It Was Magical.

It's A Game. That's Why We Call It 'the News.' It's Just A Game.

I Don't Think Anybody Can With A Straight Face Say That The Russians Did Not Set Out To Influence Our Election, And They Did So.

Truthiness Is "what I Say Is Right, And [nothing] Anyone Else Says Could Possibly Be True." It's Not Only That I Feel It To Be True, But That I Feel It To Be True. There's Not Only An Emotional Quality, But There's A Selfish Quality.

No Matter How You Were Born, No Matter How You Identify, I Want To Be Clear That I Would Be Proud To Grind You Up And Eat You.

Nothing Reassures Parents More Than Surrounding Their Kids With The Kind Of Guys Who Have A Lot Of Weapons And Nothing To Do On Weekdays.

I Deliver My Truth Hot And Hard.

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk-- Get Angry And Punch A Cow.

The Only Thing That Gets Me High Is The Musky Scent Of My Enemy's Fear

As We All Know, Reality Has A Liberal Bias.

I Love The Earth. If You Ask Me It's The Greatest Planet In The World.

History Moves Fast. It's Hard To Believe That Gay Americans Achieved Full Constitutional Personhood Just Five Years After Corporations Did!

I'm Livin' High On The Hog, And Let Me Tell You, Hogs Make A Terrible Foundation.

There Is A Residual Sense For Me, Having Grown Up In The Early '70s, That I Did Not Know I Had, Which Was A Sense That The Military Are Different Than I. Because There Was Such A Divide Between The Military World - And There Still Is, Because There's No Draft - And The Civilian World Is One Of The Rotten Harvests Of The Vietnam War, Was This Sort Of Bifurcation Of America In That Way.

In The Beginning, God Created The Heaven And The Earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, But It’s Not “in The Beginning, A Monkey Evolutioned Gay Marriage.

Thankfully, Dreams Can Change. If We'd All Stuck With Our First Dream, The World Would Be Overrun With Cowboys And Princesses.

I've Got Butterflies In My Stomach... Because I Ate A Cocoon Quesadilla!

The Skinnification Of America's Jeanscape Has Gone Too Far.

Pissing Off Peta Is As Easy As Pie. Delicious Kitten Pie.

Marijuana Is A Gateway Drug That Can Lead To Awful Things, Like Phish Getting Back Together.

Getting Back Together

I'm Not A Fan Of Facts. You See, The Facts Can Change, But My Opinion Will Never Change, No Matter What The Facts Are.

Can You Really Put A Price On Annoying Two Religions At Once?

And My Daughter Said, 'why Are You Yelling At Us?' And I Said, 'i'm Trying To Discipline You!' And Then She Looked Up At Me With Her Tear-stained Eyes And Said, 'this Is How You Teach Children, By Making Them Cry.' And It Was Such A Clenching Reminder - She Won Not Only The Argument, But She Won Life With That Statement. I Just Burst Out Laughing, And I Think They Were So Surprised That I Burst Out Laughing, That They Did Too.

You Are About To Start The Greatest Improvisation Of All. With No Script. No Idea What's Going To Happen, Often With People And Places You Have Never Seen Before. And You Are Not In Control. So Say 'yes.' And If You're Lucky, You'll Find People Who Will Say 'yes' Back.

Speak From The Balls, Not From The Diaphram.

To Sit Here At The Same Table With My Hero, George W. Bush...i Feel Like I'm Dreaming. Somebody Pinch Me. You Now What, I'm A Pretty Sound Sleeper, That May Not Be Enough...somebody Shoot Me In The Face.

Thirty Seconds Is The Exact Amount Of Time Americans Can Tolerate Something They Don't Understand.

Football Is American; Why Are The Romans Numering Our Bowls?!

I Could Sit Toe To Toe At A Potato Table With Anybody.

This Is A Crucial Time In The Fight For Corporate Civil Rights. Just Look At The Hateful Signs At Occupy Wallstreet: 'corporations Are Not People!' Wow, I Thought We Were Past The Point In This Country Where Some People Aren't People Just Because They Have Different Color Skin Or Different Religion Or Were Born In A Lawyer's Office, Only Exist On Paper, Have No Soul And Can Never Die.

I Don't Trust Books. They're All Fact, No Heart. And That's Exactly What's Pulling Our Country Apart Today. Because Face It, Folks, We Are A Divided Nation. Not Between Democrats Or Republicans, Or Conservatives And Liberals, Or Tops And Bottoms. No, We Are Divided By Those Who Think With Their Head, And Those Who Know With Their Heart.

I Have Two Last Pieces Of Advice. First, Being Pre-approved For A Credit Card Does Not Mean You Have To Apply For It. And Lastly, The Best Career Advice I Can Give You Is To Get Your Own Tv Show. It Pays Well, The Hours Are Good, And You Are Famous. And Eventually Some Very Nice People Will Give You A Doctorate In Fine Arts For Doing Jack Squat.

Atheism: The Religion Devoted To The Worship Of One's Own Smug Sense Of Superiority.

That’s Why Our Tvs Are Brimming With So Much Hot Man-on-pan Action. You Can’t Channel Surf For Long Without Seeing Turkey Getting Stuffed Over And Over Until They Finally Cut To The Gravy Shot.

Sure, Integrating Schools May Sound Benign. But Whats The Use Of Living In A Gated Community If My Kids Go To School And Get Poor All Over Them?

A Lot Of People Have Said, "oh, I, Boy, I Wish Hillary Clinton Would Just Go Away."

Why Would We Go To War On Women? They Don't Have Any Oil.

A New Study Shows That Having A Severe Phobia Can Hasten Aging. But What If My Greatest Fear Is Aging?!?

Take It From Me, There's Nothing Like A Job Well Done, Except The Quiet Enveloping Darkness At The Bottom Of A Bottle Of Jim Beam After A Job Done Any Way At All.

You Gotta Learn To Love When You're Failing.... The Embracing Of That, The Discomfort Of Failing In Front Of An Audience, Leads You To Penetrate Through The Fear That Blinds You. Fear Is The Mind Killer.

Mentioning Jesus In Your Speech: Small Government. Doing What Jesus Asked: Big Government.

It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.

This Is America. We Must Defend The Principles Symbolized By Lady Liberty - Unless She's On The Pill, In Which Case, She Is A Giant Green Tramp.

If Corporations Are People, I Guarantee You That A Government Of Those People, By Those People, And For Those People Will Continue To Exist.

The Yankees' Facebook Page Was Hacked. The Hacker Was Immediately Purchased And Signed To A 5 Year Contract With The Yankees.

We Have No Desire To Make Anybody Look Like A Blithering Idiot, But We Do Love It When They Do.

I'm Impervious To Logic.

And We Didn't Have Cell Phones. If You Made Plans To Meet Someone In A Snow Storm, And They Didn't Show Up, You Just Had To Assume They Were Devoured By Wolves And Go On With Your Life.

It's Back To School Time. Or As Home-schoolers Call It, Stay-where-you-are Time.

The Shamrock Is A Religious Symbol. St. Patrick Said The Leaves Represented The Trinity: The Father, The Son And The Holy Spirit. That's Why Four Leaf Clovers Are So Lucky, You Get A Bonus Jesus.

Odyssey Dawn? That's Not A Military Operation. That's A Carnival Cruise Ship.

As A Rule, Germans Shouldn't Do Comedy. Their Last Box Office Comedy Was Nosferatu.

Trending Author

Andy Goldsworthy

Robert Anderson

Jose Maria Aznar

Stefanie Powers

Category