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You Mostly Know That You Want To Be Funny, Know That You Have The Desire. It's Not Like People Who Grow Up Beautiful And Can Look In The Mirror And Be Like, I'm Beautiful! Funny Is More Of A Journey. And A Desperate Attempt.

-Tina Fey

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You Mostly Know That

Tina Fey

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You Mostly Know That You Want To Be Funny, Know That You Have The Desire. It's Not Like People Who Grow Up Beautiful And Can Look In The Mirror And Be Like, I'm Beautiful! Funny Is More Of A Journey. And A Desperate Attempt.

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Everybody Kind Of Gets To Be The Person They Didn't Get To Be.

For My First Show At 'snl', I Wrote A Bill Clinton Sketch, And During Our Read-through, It Wasn't Getting Any Laughs. This Weight Of Embarrassment Came Over Me, And I Felt Like I Was Sweating From My Spine Out. But I Realized, 'okay, That Happened, And I Did Not Die.' You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

Sometimes When You're Doing A Comedy, The Director Will Yell Out "alts" And Then The Director Gets The First Laugh.

Last Night The Taliban Offered To Release Eight Westerners If The U.s. Promised Not To Attack. The State Department Declined But Thanked The Taliban For The Offer, Saying It Really Felt Good To Laugh Again.

Gravity”: “it’s The Story Of How George Clooney Would Rather Float Away Into Space And Die Then Spend One More Minute With A Woman His Own Age.

You All Watched A Sketch About Feminism And You Didn't Even Know It Because Of All The Jokes. It's Like When Jessica Seinfeld Puts Spinach In Kids' Brownies. Suckers!

And, You Know, Politics Aside, The Success Of Sarah Palin And Women Like Her Is Good For All Women - Except, Of Course - Those Who Will End Up, You Know, Like, Paying For Their Own Rape 'kit 'n' Stuff. But For Everybody Else, It's A Win-win. Unless You're A Gay Woman Who Wants To Marry Your Partner Of 20 Years - Whatever. But For Most Women, The Success Of Conservative Women Is Good For All Of Us. Unless You Believe In Evolution. You Know - Actually, I Take It Back. The Whole Thing's A Disaster.

We Writers Dream Of A Future Where Actors Are Mostly Computer Generated And Their Performances Can Be Adjusted, By Us, On A Laptop, Alone.

I Like To Crack The Jokes Now And Again, But It's Only Because I Struggle With Math.

Every Kid Has Something They're Good At, That You Hope They Find And Gravitate Toward.

If Everyone Had A Dad Like Mine, No One Would Have Sex Tapes.

I Don't Weigh Myself. I Just Go By If My Clothes Fit. I Try Not To Participate Too Much In The Incredible Amount Of Wasted Energy That Women Have Around Dealing With Food. I Just Feel Like Being Healthy Is Sort Of A Job Requirement To Be On Tv, And Being A Writer Is So Much Coping With Fatigue And Stress, And You Just Eat. You Eat To Stay Awake.

President Bush Gave A Rousing Speech To The United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, In A Touching Show Of Support, Every Foreign Dignitary Shook Hands With The President And Smiled Warmly As He Mispronounced Their Names.

We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Chubby For A While (provided You Don’t Give Yourself Diabetes) Is A Natural Phase Of Life And Nothing To Be Ashamed Of. Like Puberty Or Slowly Turning Into A Republican.

There Should Be A New, More Honest Euphemism. Like, I'm Leaving Office Because I Plan To Solicit More Anonymous Sex In Bathrooms.

Most Of The Time You're Too Busy To Think About It. But Every Now And Then You Say, 'i Work At 'saturday Night Live,' And That Is So Cool.

I Was Like, Oh, I Want To Sign Up For "catwoman," And Then Anne Hathaway Had Already Signed Up For It.

I Love To Play Strippers And To Imitate Them. I Love Using That Idea For Comedy, But The Idea Of Actually Going There? I Feel Like We All Need To Be Better Than That. That Industry Needs To Die, By All Of Us Being A Little Bit Better Than That.

Why Are My Arms So Weak? It's Like I Did That Push-up Last Year For Nothing!

An Interim Government Was Set Up In Afghanistan. It Included Two Women, One Of Whom Was Minister Of Women's Affairs. Man, Who'd She Have To Show Here Ankles To To Get That Job?

This Is What I Tell Young Women Who Ask Me For Career Advice. People Are Going To Try To Trick You. To Make You Feel That You Are In Competition With One Another. You're Up For A Promotion. If They Go For A Woman, It'll Be Between You And Barbara. Don't Be Fooled. You're Not In Competition With Other Women. You're In Competition With Everyone.

This January, Kevin Costner Will Be Honored By The Palm Springs International Film Festival For His Contribution To Film. This Gives Costner Just Two Months To Make A Contribution To Film.

If You’re Looking For A Spiritual Allegory In The Style Of C.s. Lewis, I Guess You Could Piece Something Together With Lorne Michaels As A Symbol For God And My Struggles With Hair Removal As A Metaphor For Virtue

Obviously, As An Adult I Realize This Girl-on-girl Sabotage Is The Third Worst Kind Of Female Behavior, Right Behind Saying "like" All The Time And Leaving Your Baby In A Dumpster.

Life Is Improvisation.

I Hire People That Are Good, And Aren't Crazy. Or Assholes. Because That Takes Up Too Much Time. There Are Just As Many Good People Who Are Not Crazy.

You've Got To Experience Failure To Understand That You Can Survive It.

One Afternoon A Girl Walked By In A Bikini And My Cousin Janet Scoffed, “look At The Hips On Her.” I Panicked. What About The Hips? Were They Too Big? Too Small? What Were My Hips? I Didn’t Know Hips Could Be A Problem. I Thought There Was Just Fat Or Skinny. This Was How I Found Out That There Are An Infinite Number Of Things That Can Be “incorrect” On A Woman’s Body.

The New York Post Quoted Senator Hillary Clinton Saying That She Would Never Run For President, Declaring "that Is Not Something I'm Going To Be Doing. "which In Clinton Talk Means "i Will Be President In Three Years.

George Clooney Married Amal Alamuddin This Year. Amal Is A Human Rights Lawyer Who Worked On The Enron Case, Was An Advisor To Kofi Annan Regarding Syria, And Was Selected For A Three-person Commission Investigating Rules Of War Violation In The Gaza Strip. So Tonight, Her Husband Is Getting A Lifetime Achievement Award.

I Want Every Day To Be The Most Boring News Day Ever. I Want Every Day To Be About Spelling Bee Champions And Baby Basketball. It's Better To Have No Comedy Material Than A Horrific News Day.

You’re In Competition With Everyone.

If These Two Are Tired Of Having Sex With Each Other, What Hope Is There For The Rest Of Us?

Now Let Me Be Clear; Millions Of Women Around The World Nurse Their Children Beautifully For Years Without Giving Anybody Else A Hard Time About It. Teat Nazis Are A Solely Western Upper-middle-class Phenomenon Occurring When Highly Ambitious Women Experience Deprivation From Outside Modes Of Achievement.

A Harvard Medical School Study Has Determined That Rectal Thermometers Are Still The Best Way To Tell A Baby's Temperature. Plus, It Really Teaches The Baby Who's Boss.

This Requires A Level Of Delusion/egomania Usually Reserved For Popes And Drag Queens

I Don't Really Have A Nemesis, But I Have A Series Of Hundreds Of Small Enemies That Fuel Me. Everyone I Meet I Assume Is Out To Get Me And That Fuels My Fire On A Daily Basis.

Whitney Houston’s Cover Of “i Will Always Love You” Was Constantly On My Fm Walkman Radio Around That Time. I Think That Made Me Cry Because I Associated It With Absolutely No One.

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

I’m Not A Mean Person, But I Have A Capacity For It. I Have The Biting Comment Formed Somewhere In The Back Of My Head — Like It’s In Captivity. Sometimes People Expect That I’m Going To Be Tough. It’s Not A Bad Situation. People Treat You Better. People Are On Time.

When Hiring, Mix Harvard Nerds With Chicago Improvisers And Stir.

Once Or Twice A Week I Would Set My Alarm For Six A.m. So I Could Get Up And Plug In Hot Stix...i Would Study The Curls In The Mirror, Impressed With Both The Appliance And My Newfound Ability To Use It. Then, Without Fail, At The Last Second Before Leaving For School, I Would Ask Myself, "am I Supposed To Brush It Out Or Leave It?" Why Could I Never Remember" That Feeling Of "i'm Pretty Sure This Next Step Is Wrong, But I'm Just Gonna Do It Anyway" Is Part Of The Same Set Of Instincts That Makes Me Such A Great Cook.

...the Music Seems Creepy, Like When Children Sing In A Horror Movie

Ah, Babies! They’re More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts.

I Want To Go To There.

I'm Not A Fan Of Purposely Farting In Front Of Other People. If You Have To Fart, Leave The Room.

The More New Yorkers Like Something, The More Disgusted They Are. "the Kitchen Was All Sub-zero: I Want To Kill Myself. The Building Has A Playroom That Makes You Want To Break Your Own Jaw With A Golf Club. I Can't Take It.

Lesson Learned? When People Say, "you Really, Really Must" Do Something, It Means You Don't Really Have To. No One Ever Says, "you Really, Really Must Deliver The Baby During Labor." When It's True, It Doesn't Need To Be Said.

The Upsides Of Acting In Things Is Mostly Getting Your Hair Done And Having People Give You Clothes. So As Long As You Can Have A Little Bit Of That In Your Life, Then It's Just As Delightful To Be Behind Camera.

Sometimes You Want To Have A Very Productive Saturday To Feel That You Are In Control Of Your Life, Which Of Course You Are Not.

Control Of Your Life

Pentagon Records Show That At Least 8,000 Members Of The All-volunteer U.s. Army Have Deserted Since The Iraq War Began. Hey, At Least Somebody Has An Exit Strategy.

In Afghanistan This Week, Outnumbered Northern Alliance Rebels On Horseback Defeated Taliban Forces Armed With Tanks. Experts Say The Victory Is Just Like The Story Of David And Goliath And David's Friend, The Stealth Bomber.

Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

Ladies Gotta Say No To Their Husbands At The Movies. They Gotta Say: "no, We Are Watching Back-to-back Cancer Movies. And Then This Movie About A Cat."

Pissing In Jars, They Had Never Been Handed A Fifteen-year-old Kotex Product By The School Nurse. But They Trusted Me And Paula, So I'm Proud To Say We Made

To Me Yes, And Means Don't Be Afraid To Contribute. Always Make Sure You're Adding Something To The Discussion. Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

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...nothing Is Creepier Than A Bunch Of Adults Being Very Quiet.

[please Let My Daughter] Not Have To Wear High Heels.

Acting Is Really About Showing Up That Day And Telling The Writers What You Feel Like Saying.

Whenever You See Me, I'm On Antique Quaaludes.

I Had My Hair In A Ponytail And Looked My Trademark Exhausted.

I Think My Level Of Fame Will Drop Back Down. I Think It’ll Recede. In Fact, I Know It Will. That’s Life On Planet Earth. And I’m Okay With That. Besides Getting Tables At Restaurants And Special Treatment At The Airport, What Else Is There?

I Was Ten. I Had Noticed Something Was Weird Earlier In The Day, But I Knew From Commercials That One's Menstrual Period Was A Blue Liquid That You Poured Like Laundry Detergent Onto Maxi Pads To Test Their Absorbency. This Wasn't Blue, So... I Ignored It For A Few Hours.

It Doesn't Matter If It's A School Play Or A Dumb Tv Show. It's Your Work. You Should Care About It So Much That People Get Annoyed With You.

Life Is Improvisation. All Of Those [improv] Classes Were Like Church To Me. The Training Had Seeped Into Me And Changed Who I Am.

It Will Never Be Perfect, But Perfect Is Overrated. Perfect Is Boring On Live Tv.

I Have No Affinity For Animals. I Don’t Hate Animals And I Would Never Hurt An Animal; I Just Don’t Actively Care About Them. When A Coworker Shows Me Cute Pictures Of Her Dog, I Struggle To Respond Correctly, Like An Autistic Person Who Has Been Taught To Recognize Human Emotions From Flash Cards. In Short, I Am The Worst.

‘how Do You Juggle It All?’ People Constantly Ask Me, With An Accusatory Look In Their Eyes. ‘you’re Screwing It All Up, Aren’t You?’ Their Eyes Say. My Standard Answer Is That I Have The Same Struggle As Any Working Parent But With The Good Fortune To Be Working At My Dream Job. Or Sometimes I Just Hand Them A Juicy Red Apple I’ve Poisoned In My Working-mother Witch Cauldron And Fly Away.

The First Time I Went To See A Second City Show, I Was In Awe Of Everything. I Just Wanted To Touch The Same Stage That Gilda Radner Had Walked On. It Was Sacred Ground.

We're Gonna Promote Freedom. Usher In Democratic Values And Ideals. And Fight Terror-loving Terrorists.

There Is No One Of-woman-born Who Does Not Like Red Lobster Cheddar Biscuits. Anyone Who Claims Otherwise Is A Liar And A Socialist.

The Barrier Between Tv And Movies Has Come Down And Film Actors Are Willing To Do Tv And Vice Versa, Because They Just Want To Follow What's Interesting.

When You Go Into Something Where You Can Really Trust That Everyone Has Thought About It, More Than You Have Even, Then That's Like A Gift.

When I Started On 'saturday Night Live,' I Had The Choice Of Wearing Contact Lenses, Which I Had Never Worn Before, Or Glasses, In Order To Be Able To Read The Cue Cards.

It's Hard To Get Laughs When You're New.

I Found The Recording Sessions Very Freeing Because You Can Really Try Things. When You're Filming Something, If You're Improvising A Film And You're Wasting Film And Wasting A Cameraman's Time.

There Are A Couple Of Things I Want To Impart To Ladies Who Want To Be In Comedy: One, You Don’t Have To Be Weird Or Be Quirky To Get Your Job Done. And Two, Comedy Skill Is Not Sexually Transmittable. You Do Not Have To Sleep With A Comedian To Learn What You’re Doing. Male Comedians Will Not Like That Advice, But It Is The Truth.

A Willingness To Drop Your Ego And Let Yourself Look Foolish. You Almost Have To Enjoy Looking Vulnerable. You'd Be Surprised How Many People Don't Want To Do That.

I Felt Like That Character In Flowers For Algernon. Not Charlie, The Lady Teacher From The College Who Realizes, 'i've Got To Stop Dry-humping This Mentally Challenged Guy!

I Still Want Oprah To Play My Best Friend. I Want To Spend Time With Oprah.

When Actors Are Too Good-looking, I Can’t Memorize Them. For Example, I Have Never Seen A Picture Of Sienna Miller Where I Didn’t Say, “that Girl’s Pretty. Who Is That?

So, My Unsolicited Advice To Women In The Workplace Is This. When Faced With Sexism, Or Ageism, Or Lookism, Or Even Really Aggressive Buddhism, Ask Yourself The Following Question: “is This Person In Between Me And What I Want To Do?” If The Answer Is No, Ignore It And Move On. Your Energy Is Better Used Doing Your Work And Outpacing People That Way. Then, When You’re In Charge, Don’t Hire The People Who Were Jerky To You.

Funny Motivational

Anne Hathaway You Gave A Stunning Performance In "les Miserables." I Have Not Seen Someone So Totally Alone And Abandoned Like That Since You Were Onstage With James Franco At The Oscars.

Many Of The World's Greatest Discoveries Have Been By Accident. I Mean, Look At The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Or Botox.

Make Statements Also Applies To Us Women: Speak In Statements Instead Of Apologetic Questions. No One Wants To Go To A Doctor Who Says, “i’m Going To Be Your Surgeon? I’m Here To Talk To You About Your Procedure? I Was First In My Class At Johns Hopkins, So?” Make Statements, With Your Actions And Your Voice.

I Was Wearing My Best Gap Turtleneck And My Dates Were Two Adult Lesbians, So Yea, I Was Pretty Cool.

A New Poll Showed That 66% Of Americans Think President Bush Is Doing A Poor Job Handling The War In Iraq And The Remaining 34% Think That Adam And Eve Rode Dinosaurs To Church.

When You Have A Set Of Characters, You Have To Fall In Love With Them And Care About Them As Each Individual Character.

Falling In Love

There Are So Many Quiet Times You Spend As A Mother That Aren't Glorified But Are A Foundation For Your Kids. No Matter What, There Was Always A Thick Safety Net Under This Trapeze.

Then She Took Out A Speculum The Size Of A Milk Shake Machine. Even Michelle Duggar Would Have Flinched At This Thing, But I Had Never Seen One Before.

I Think The Web Is, You Know, Things Like Youtube And Stuff Are Absolutely Where A Lot Of Younger People Are Watching Their Tv On Itunes In The Web And Youtube, Whatever. So, I Think It's An Important Place To Have A Presence.

I Believe In Process. I Believe That Having A Really Difficult Process Is More Valuable Than A Good Outcome.

It Was Scary To Be In That World Of Politics. I Felt Uncomfortable To Be In That Discussion. The Weird Thing Is, When Darrell Hammond Or Will Ferrell Or Dana Carvey Did An Impersonation Of A President, No One Assumed It Was Personal, But Because Sarah Palin And I Are Both Women And People Think Women Are Meaner To Each Other, Everyone Assumed It Was Personal.

In An Interview, Paris Hilton Said That Of Her And Her Sister, "people Love To Hate Us. But When You Know Us, You Love Us. And If You Really Get To Know Us, You Get Gonorrhea."

Gay People Don’t Actually Try To Convert People. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses You’re Thinking Of.

I Wrote A One-act Play - I Can't Remember The Name Of It, But It Was Really About The Way Women Are Perceived As Leaders. In The Play, Catherine The Great Would Say Things Like, "you Know, John F. Kennedy Had Extramarital Affairs And No One Says Anything. But I Bang One Horse And Now I'm A Horse Banger For All Eternity? That's It? That's What I Am?"

Even When I Was At 'snl,' I Didn't Do Impersonations. I Always Wanted To Be The Kind Of Person Who Could Do Them - I Always Thought They Were The Coolest Thing On The Show - But I Didn't Have Any Experience.

I Was The Editor Of The School Newspaper And In Drama Club And Choir, So I Was Not A Popular Girl In The Traditional Sense, But I Think I Was Known For Being Relatively Scathing.

I Am Extremely Square And Obedient In Nature!

I Really Admire Stand-up, And I Think I Would Have Loved To Learn How To Do It. I Think It's Terrifying And Thrilling. A Really Cool Thing To Do. It's A Dying Art, In A Way.

Amy Poehler And I Have Been Friends For So Long, We're Like Oprah And Gale. Only We're Not Denying Anything.

I Think People Fetishize Glasses In General. You Could Put Glasses On A Rotting Pumpkin And People Would Think It Was Sexy.

A Wise Friend Once Told Me, 'don't Wear What Fashion Designers Tell You To Wear. Wear What They Wear.'

You Can Tell How Smart People Are By What They Laugh At.

Tracy: Stop Eating People's Old French Fries, Little Pigeon. Have Some Self-respect. Don't You Know You Can Fly?

In Into The Woods, Cinderella Runs From Her Prince, Rapunzel Is Thrown From A Tower For Her Prince, And Sleeping Beauty Just Thought She Was Getting Coffee With Bill Cosby.

Quentin Tarantino Is Here, Star Of All My Sexual Nightmares.

Confidence Is 10 Percent Hard Work And 90 Percent Delusion.

My Ability To Turn Good News Into Anxiety Is Rivaled Only By My Ability To Turn Anxiety Into Chin Acne.

If You're An Actor And You Don't Get Cast In Stuff A Lot, Then Put Together A Show Or Hold Play-reading Nights At Your Apartment. Make Your Own Opportunities.

I'm A Logic Monster, If Things Don't Make Sense I've Gotta Make Sense Of Them. I Enjoy Helping To Develop Material For Movies, It's A Way For Me To Get Into The Part.

(my Proudest Moment As A Child Was The Time I Beat My Uncle Pierre At Scrabble With The Seven-letter Word Farting.)

I Grew Up In A Family Of Republicans. And When I Was 18 And Registering To Vote, My Mom’s Only Instruction Was ‘you Just Go In And Pull The Big Republican Lever.’ That’s My Welcome To Adulthood. She’s Like, ‘no, Don’t Even Read It. Just Pull The Republican Lever.

I Never Dreamed I Would Receive The Mark Twain Prize For American Humor, Mostly Because My Style Is So Typically Austrian.

If You Are Capable People Are Happy To Play With You.

Photoshop Is Just Like Makeup. When It’s Done Well It Looks Great, And When It’s Overdone You Look Like A Crazy Asshole.

I Learned Quickly That Trying To Force Country Folk To Love The Big City Is Like Telling Your Gay Cousin, "you Just Haven't Met The Right Girl Yet.

...the Rule Of Agreement Reminds You To “respect What Your Partner Has Created” And To At Least Start From An Open-minded Place. Start With A Yes And See Where That Takes You.

You Know Who Does Have A Funny Bone In Her Body? Your Mom Every Night For A Dollar.

"30 Rock" Is Over, So I Definitely Aspire To Write Another Movie Again; Eventually, Will Try To Pitch Something For Television Again.

Sometimes If You Have A Difficult Decisin To Make, Just Stall Until The Answer Presents Itself.

Sometimes, You Can Feel Or See How A Movie Can... How You Can Do It. Sometimes It's Just Like Seeing, "can That Work? Will People Buy That? Can We Do That?" And All Those Checkmarks.

In Response To The Escalating Violence In Iraq, President Bush Is Delaying The Return Home Of 25,000 Troops And Will Actually Add Reinforcements To The South. Then In A Symbolic Gesture He Pulled Down The Mission Accomplished Banner, Put On A Flight Suit, Walked Backwards To A Jet Fighter And Flew It In Reverse Off An Aircraft Carrier.

This Week, Penny Collector Gene Sukie Went To The Bank And Cashed In Ten Thousand Pounds Of Pennies He Had Collected Over 34 Years, Which Were Worth Over Fourteen Thousand Dollars. And, Of Course, I Was In Line Behind Him.

I'm Not That Good Looking... Nobody Is That Good Looking. I Have Seen A Lot Of Movie Stars, And Maybe Four Are Amazing Looking. The Rest Have A Team Of Gay Guys Who Make It Happen.

I Think Part Of Picking Where You Live In New York Is Accepting Who You Are. Really Looking At Yourself And Going, 'yeah, I'm Not Cool Enough For The West Village.'

There Are No Mistakes Only Opportunities.

Wafah Dufour Bin Laden, Niece Of Osama Bin Laden Has Signed A Contract To Star In A Reality Show... Called Skating With The Nieces Of Terrorists.

In My Limited Experience, Shows Are Like Children. You Can Teach Them Manners And Dress Them In Little Sailor Suits, But In The End, They're Going To Be Who They're Going To Be.

You Have To Try Your Hardest To Be At The Top Of Your Game And Improve Every Joke You Can Until The Last Possible Second, And Then You Have To Let It Go.

Your Initiations Are Worthwhile.

You Must Not Look In That Mirror At Your Doughy Legs And Flat Feet, For Today Is About Dreams And Illusions, And Unfiltered Natural Daylight Is The Enemy Of Dreams.

Never Tell A Crazy Person He’s Crazy.

You Can't Control Things By Being Nervous.

A Combustion Engine Of Ambition And Disappointment.

Yeah, It's Tough Being Smart And Sexy, Too. I Have To Say, I'm Really Not That Attractive. Until I Met My Husband, I Could Not Get A Date. I Promise You It's True. My Husband Jeff Richmond Saw A Diamond In The Rough And Took Me In.

Will Ferrell Is A Dangerous Man. If He Thinks You're In His Way In Show Business, He Will Crack Your Head Open. He's The Jeff Gillooly Of Comedy.

Finally The World Would See My Full Range Of Comedy Characters - From Grouchy Librarian To Russian Librarian.

When I Was Going To School In, Like, '84 To '88, You Didn't Have Cell Phones. There Was No E-mail, If You Can Wrap Your Brain Around That.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.

My Parents Are Very Well-behaved. If Anything, If My Mom Were Here Right Now, She Would Hug And Kiss Every One Of You Hello, And Then She Would Feed You.

I Don't Like My Feet. I'm Not Crazy About Anybody's Feet. But I Have Flat Feet.

I Was Taken To An Examining Room Where A Big Butch Nurse Practitioner Came In And Asked Me If I Was Pregnant. “no Way!” Was I Sexually Active? “nope!” Had I Ever Been Molested? “well,” I Said, Trying To Make A Joke, “oprah Says The Only Answers To That Question Are ‘yes’ And ‘i Don’t Remember.’ ” I Laughed. We Were Having Fun. The Nurse Looked At Me, Concerned/annoyed.

I’ve Always Been Able To Tell A Lot About People By Whether They Ask Me About My Scar. Most People Never Ask, But If It Comes Up Naturally Somehow And I Offer Up The Story, They Are Quite Interested. Some People Are Just Dumb: 'did A Cat Scratch You?' God Bless. Those Sweet Dumdums I Never Mind. Sometimes It Is A Fun Sociology Litmus Test, Like When My Friend Ricky Asked Me, 'did They Ever Catch The Black Guy That Did That To You?' Hmmm. It Was Not A Black Guy, Ricky, And I Never Said It Was.

I'm Still Technically Employed By The National Broadcasting Company.

In Order To Feel Safer On His Private Jet, Actor John Travolta Has Purchased A Bomb-sniffing Dog. Unfortunately For The Actor, The Dog Came Six Movies Too Late.

At Some Point, You Realize That People Might Be Laughing At Your Jokes Because They're Afraid Not To Laugh.

Now If You're Not „hot”, You Are Expected To Work On It Until You Are. It's Like When You Renovate A House And You're Legally Required To Leave Just One Of The Original Walls Standing. If You Don't Have A Good Body You Have Down To A Neutral Shape, Then Bolt On Some Breast Implants, Replace Your Teeth, Dye You Hair, And Call Yourself The Playmate Of The Year. How Do We Survive This? How Do We Teach Our Daughters And Our Gay Sons That They Are Good Enough The Way They Are? We Have To Lead By Example.

It's Like Being A Little Kid Again, Parading Around In A Nightgown Tucked Into Your Underpants, Believing It Looks Terrific.

Seriously, I've Just Realized That Almost Everyone Is A Fraud, So I Try Not To Feel Too Bad About It.

According To A New Study, Women In Satisfying Marriages Are Less Likely To Develop Cardiovascular Diseases Than Unmarried Women. So Don't Worry, Lonely Women, You'll Be Dead Soon.

We Should Leave People Alone About Their Weight. Being Skinny For A While (provided You Actually Eat Food And Don't Take Pills Or Smoke To Get There) Is A Perfectly Fine Pastime. Everyone Should Try It Once, Like A Super-short Haircut Or Dating A White Guy.

Doing One Movie Every Two Years Is About All I Can Handle 'cause, Being The Creator At '30 Rock', My Year There Starts In The Middle Of June And Goes Back Around Until March.

It’s The Same Reason I Don’t Get Hooters. Why Do We Need To Enjoy Chicken Wings And Boobies At The Same Time? Yes, They Are A Natural And Beautiful Part Of The Human Experience. And So Are Boobies. But Why At The Same Time?

Don't Waste Your Energy Trying To Educate Or Change Opinions... Do Your Thing And Don't Care If They Like It.

I Think The Philosophy Will Continue To Be What It Always Was; Which Was, Let's Keep Throwing A Bunch Of Things At The Wall, And See What Sticks.

I'm More Of A Writer Than An Actor, And I Used To Say That I'm Mostly An Improviser, Though I Haven't Improvised In Awhile.

Feminists Do The Best Photoshop Because They Leave The Meat On Your Bones. They Don’t Change Your Size Or Your Skin Color. They Leave In Your Disgusting Knuckles, But They May Take Out Some Armpit Stubble. Not Because They’re Denying Its Existence, But Because They Understand That It’s Okay To Make A Photo Look As If You Were Caught On Your Best Day In The Best Light.

And I Can See Russia From My House.

Saturday Night Live

The Only Way I Could Get Comfortable Around People Was To Make Them Laugh.

Every Day I Wrote In My Journal: "how Am I Going To Win Today?" So That When The Guys Are Talking About Water-boarding I'm Telling Them They Haven't Even Got The Right Towels.

The Person Closest To Actually Achieving This Look Is Kim Kardashian, Who, As We Know, Was Made By Russian Scientists To Sabotage Our Athletes. Everyone Else Is Struggling.

Some People Say, “never Let Them See You Cry.” I Say, If You’re So Mad You Could Just Cry, Then Cry. It Terrifies Everyone.

In Most Cases Being A Good Boss Means Hiring Talented People And Then Getting Out Of Their Way.

What Turning Forty Means To Me I Need To Take My Pants Off As Soon As I Get Home. I Didn't Used To Have To Do That. But Now I Do.

No Other Formula Gives Your Baby A Better Start In Life Except That Stuff That Comes Out Of You For Free.

To Say I’m An Overrated Troll, When You Have Never Even Seen Me Guard A Bridge, Is Patently Unfair.

You Don't Just Decide To Destroy A Person By Making Up Stuff, And No One At 'snl' Is Writing To Go After Someone.

Luxury Cruises Were Designed To Make Something Unbearable (a Two Week Transatlantic Crossing) Seem Bearable. There's No Need To Do It Now, There Are Planes. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Ride On A Stage Coach For Two Months But There's All-you-can-eat Shrimp. You Wouldn't Take A Vacation Where You Had An Old-timey Appendectomy Without Anesthesia While Steel Drums Play. You Might Take A Vacation While Riding On A Camel For Two Days If They Gave You Those Little Animal Towels Wearing Your Sunglasses.

Every Morning, When Alaskans Wake Up, One Of The First Things They Do, Is Look Outside To See If There Are Any Russians Hanging Around. And If There Are, You Gotta Go Up To Them And Ask, 'what Are You Doing Here?' And If They Can't Give You A Good Reason, It's Our Responsibility To Say, You Know, 'shoo! Get Back Over There!'

I Was A Little Excited But Mostly Blorft. "blorft" Is An Adjective I Just Made Up That Means 'completely Overwhelmed But Proceeding As If Everything Is Fine And Reacting To The Stress With The Torpor Of A Possum.' I Have Been Blorft Every Day For The Past Seven Years.

Politics And Prostitution Have To Be The Only Jobs Where Inexperience Is Considered A Virtue.

I Do Like To Start On Time; I Like To Set The Bar High For People.

Somewhere Around The Fifth Or Seventh Grade I Figured Out That I Could Ingratiate Myself To People By Making Them Laugh. Essentially, I Was Just Trying To Make Them Like Me. But After A While It Became Part Of My Identity.

My Mom Wanted Me To Apply To Princeton, Cause She Just I Guess Since I Was A Kid Had This Dream That I Would Apply To Princeton, And It Was Not Happening.

The Idea Of Being In Control For The Sake Of Control, Is Not Really Important To Me. If Everyone Is Sharp And Doing, You Know, What They're Doing Well, You Don't Really Need To Be In Control All The Time.

I Hope For His Sake That Tracy's Apology Will Be Accepted As Sincere By His Gay And Lesbian Coworkers At 30 Rock, Without Whom Tracy Would Not Have Lines To Say, Clothes To Wear, Sets To Stand On, Scene Partners To Act With, Or A Printed-out Paycheck From Accounting To Put In His Pocket.

"i Can't Believe You Recently Had A Baby. How Do You Do It?" The Baby Starts To Come Down...and Once That Happens You Can't-it Comes Out. Whether You Let It Or Not, The Baby Comes Out. So That's How I Did It.

Some People Work With A Trainer, Some People Work With A Stylist. I Work With A Celebrity Fecalist. A Fecalist Is Basically A Person Who Comes And Collects My Stools, And Then Examines Them To See If I'm Eating Right And If I Should Be Drinking More Water And What My Moods Should Be.

Start With A 'yes', And See Where That Takes You.

The Eyes Are The Window To Where The Soul Is Supposed To Be.

Am I Just Chasing It Because It's The Hardest Thing For Me To Get And I Want To Prove I Can Do It?

If You Want To Be A Screenwriter, Take An Acting Class To Get A Sense Of What You're Asking Actors To Do. Learning Other Skills Will Help You Communicate With People And Respect What They Do.

There Was An Assumption That I Was Personally Attacking Sarah Palin By Impersonating Her On Tv. No One Ever Said It Was 'mean' When Chevy Chase Played Gerald Ford Falling Down All The Time. No One Ever Accused Dana Carvey Or Darrell Hammond Or Dan Aykroyd Of 'going Too Far' In Their Political Impressions. You See What I'm Getting At Here. I Am Not Mean And Mrs. Palin Is Not Fragile. To Imply Otherwise Is A Disservice To Us Both.

You Go Through Big Chunks Of Time Where You're Just Thinking, 'this Is Impossible - Oh,this Is Impossible'. And Then You Just Keep Going And Keep Going, And You Sort Of Do The Impossible.

The Topic Of Working Moms Is A Tap-dance Recital In A Minefield.

We Are A Society That Constantly Celebrates No One But Women And It Must Stop! I Want To Hear What The Men Of The World Have Been Up To. What Fun New Guns Have They Invented? What Are They Raping These Days? What’s Michael Bay’s Next Film Going To Be?

In An Attempt To Make Things Easier For Myself, Which Is The Basis For All Of History's Worst Decisions [...].

Most Of My Work Is Done Before We Start Shooting, Preparation Work, So My Normal Day Begins When I Start Writing, It Might Even Be The Night Before.

It's Easy To Fall Into The Trap Of Just Cranking Out Things That Are Good Enough To Sell.

Twitter Seems Like A Busman's Holiday: Just More Writing. I Have No Plans To Do It. I'll Just Stick With My 24/7 Webcam. I'm Old-fashioned That Way.

This Worked Out Perfectly For Me In College, Because What Nineteen-year-old Virginia Boy Doesn't Want A Wide-hipped, Sarcastic Greek Girl With Short Hair That's Permed On Top? What's That You Say? None Of Them Want That? You Are Correct.

A New Study Suggests That Middle-aged Adults Who Go On Periodic Drinking Binges May Face A Heightened Risk Of Dementia Later On In Life. The Study Is Entitled, 'national Strategy For Victory In Iraq.'

Only In Comedy, By The Way, Does An Obedient White Girl From The Suburbs Count As Diversity.

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

I Think Women Dress For Other Women To Let Them Know What Their Deal Is. Because If Women Were Only Dressing For Men, There Would Be Nothing But Victoria's Secret. There Would Be No Dior.

You All Have Got To Stop Calling Each Other Sluts And Whores. It Only Makes It Okay For Guys To Call You Sluts And Whores.

Your Characters Should Be As Smart As You Are, If Not Smarter.

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