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Paris Hilton Is One Of The Hosts For Nicole Richie’s Baby Shower, And They’re Serving Sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, The One Thing Pregnant Women Are Forbidden To Eat. Thanks For The Mercury.

-Chelsea Handler

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Paris Hilton Is One

Chelsea Handler

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Paris Hilton Is One Of The Hosts For Nicole Richie’s Baby Shower, And They’re Serving Sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, The One Thing Pregnant Women Are Forbidden To Eat. Thanks For The Mercury.

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More From Chelsea Handler

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

It's A Dream Come True To Have Someone Else Portray Me. Because I've Been Living This Life For A Long Time, And I'm Over Myself.

We Women Have To Stick Together.

I Think The People In Your Life Are The People That - When You Can Make Other People Happy And You Can Give Things To Your Family And Your Friends, You Know, That's Really Obviously What Life Is All About. But It Doesn't Have To Be Children. It Doesn't Have To Be A Husband. It Can Be Whatever You Make It.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

That's Al Qaeda's New Plan: To Destroy America One Period At A Time.

My Feeling Is, If A Dog Is That Hard Up To Break Free, Let It Go. It's Like A Boyfriend Who Wants To Break Up. We All Know The Old Adage "if You Set Someone Free, And He Never Comes Back, Then He Was Never Yours." I Understand The Main Fear With Setting Dogs Loose Is They Could Get Hit By A Car, But So Could An Ex Boyfriend. That's Just A Chance You Have To Take.

My Negotiation Skills Are Are On Par With George Bush's Reading Ability. And Just Like Dubya, Every Time I've Tried To Put Forth An Effort, I Am Reminded That My Only True Strength Lies In Drinking.

I Think Being Able To Have Follow-through, I Think A Lot Of People Who Are In Charge, That Is The One Quality That You Can't Forsake. You Can Get Opinions, But You Can't Have Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen When You're Envisioning Something.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be. If Someone Is Truly A Loyal Friend, Then They Wouldn't Need To Broadcast It; Eventually, People Will Figure It Out. I Have A Lot Of Good Friends And Not One Of Them Has Ever Introduced Themselves By Saying, 'i'm A Very Good Friend.'

I Think Bullying Of Anybody, Whether They're Gay Or Straight Or Anything In High School Is Unbearable.

I Had An Abortion When I Was 16. Because That's What I Should Have Done. Otherwise I Would Now Have A 20-year-old Kid. Anyway, Those Are Things That People Shouldn't Be Dishonest About It.

Even If Times Are Tough And You're Enduring A Terrible Heartache, It's Important To Focus Your Anger On A Vibrator, Not Another Person.

... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

Don't Choose The Better Guy, Choose The Guy That's Gonna Make You The Better Girl

While Looking At A Website For Liposuction, I Learned That It Was A Six-to Eight-week Recovery Period, The Clincher Being That, During That Time, I Would Under No Circumstances Be Able To Use Street Drugs. Obviously I Had To Think Of A More Realistic Approach.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

Paris Hilton Is Going On A Goodwill Mission To Rwanda. It’s The First Time An Entire Third World Country Will Have To Get Immunizations For A Visitor.

We Set Up A Bakery Called Bad Boy Bakery, To Cook On The Inside To Sell On The Outside. It Was Huge, Because It Got Them Working. I'd Give Them A Certificate To Go Back In The Community With A Skill. They Could Get A Job. We Set Up A Little Bakery And It's Gone Crazy. I Need To Be That Raw To Do The Glossy Stuff. I Need To Get Back To That Kind Of Scenario.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

I've Never Made Love To A Ghost But I Have Made Love To Men Who Are A Few Years Away From Becoming A Ghost.

I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

I Will Probably Have Sex With Eminem After The Show Is Over. Probably, I Dont See Why I Wouldnt. Im Fair Game, Its Not Like Im That Picky, Youve Seen The Guys Ive Dated. I Like Swizz Beatz, Just Because I Would Like To Yell Out In Bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep It Coming!

When You See The Veins Popping Out Of My Neck, That's An Exclamation Point.

Exclamation Points

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

I Think Reality Television, Unless It's Inspirational, Which It Very Rarely Is, I Think It's Embarrassing. It's Embarrassing State Of Affairs That We're In.

It’s True What They Say About Patience Being A Virtue; It Just Happens To Be A Virtue That I Choose Not To Pursue.

Being That Frank And Being That Open, There's More Praise Than There Is Negativity. It's Just The Negativity Gets Printed Because You're Straight And F - Ing Rude. It's Not Rude, It's Just Getting Straight To The Point.

If You Want To Have Sex With Strangers, You Have To Do It The Old Fashion Way And Become A Prostitute.

A Lot Of Amazing Comedians That I've Worked With Just Really Follow Their Instincts And You Can't Really Teach Someone Comedic Timing. And You Just Kind Of Have It.

I Can't Be Skinny All The Time. I Like To Drink And I Like To Eat. I Like Burgers And Bagels.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

My Father Has A High Opinion Of His Opinion

I'm Not That Shallow, Asshole. I Don't Need Money. It's Way More Important For Them To Be Good-looking.

People Tend To Call Me Names That I Can't Repeat On Basic Cable. I Will Give You A Hint. They Rhyme With Itch, Hunt, & Bore.

That's What My Perfume Would Smell Like, Margarita And Vodka.

One Of My Girlfriends Was Getting Married. This Was Becoming An Annoying Pattern.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

The Challenge Is To Keep It Fresh. If You're Talking About Britney Spears Over And Over, It's Very Hard To Keep That Interesting.

According To An Article On Cnn.com, A New Study Says People Who Are Bad Kissers Don't Get Laid. Where Are You Supposed To Learn How To Kiss? If You Go To Catholic School, It's From Your Priest; In Public School, You Learn From Your Teacher; And Some Guys Learn From Their Sisters... If Their Sister Is Angelina Jolie.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

I Don't Like The Word 'alcoholic'. I Like To Think Of Myself As An Advanced Drinker.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

I Probably Do The Most For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Or Lgbt, But I Don't Have One That I Focus On. I Just Try And Kind Of Do A Lot For Different Charities.

I Try To Not Overthink Anything. I Don't Understand Why Nipples Are Nudity. Who Cares? Men Can Show Their Nipples But If We Have Breasts We Can't Show Them?

If Someone Took The 'f' Letter Off Me, I'd Be Ucked.

We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

Paula Abdul's Really Impatient To Start A Family. She Says If She Has To Wait Much Longer She's Going To Go Crazy-er.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

Men Don’t Realize That If We’re Sleeping With Them On The First Date, We’re Probably Not Interested In Seeing Them Again Either.

Another Thing I Take Issue With Are People Who Take Their Dogs On "play Dates," Or Even Worse, People Who Choose To Dress Their Dogs Up In Outfits Better Suited For Homosexuals Participating In A Gay Pride Parade. Dog Costumes Are Right Up There With Something Else I Find Particularly Offensive: Sweater Vests.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

You Do Not Own A Dog. You Have A Dog. And The Dog Has You

I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

That Just Sends The Wrong Message To Everybody. [donald Trump] Should Have The Least Amount Of Air Time.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

When I Look At All The People That I Have Working For Me And The Company I've Started And All The People That Benefit From It And Have A Living Because Of It, It's Very Motivating To Continue To Do It.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

The Only Reason I Think I Would Marry A Foreigner Would Be To Have Kids With Weird Accents.

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

I Was So Frivolous For So Many Years. It Was So Much Fun, But You Feel Guilty About The Brain Energy You Use To Think About Whether Some Celebrity Was Sleeping With Another Celebrity. The Conjecture That Goes Along With That. You Feel Like Your Mind Has Been Shot Apart.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon Just Got Themselves A Marriage License. I Think Before She Gets Married Again Pam Needs To Slow Down And Think About Whether This Is Really The Man She Wants To Spend Three Or Four Months Of Her Life With.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

I Look Hot And, Most Of All, Skinny. I Love The Day After Throwing Up. I Felt Like A Feather.

In These Tough Economic Times, Everybody Has To Cut Back. I Am Down To Three Tabs Of Ecstasy A Day.

Tough Economic Times

You Just Be Honest About Who You Are, And If You Dont End Up With Any Friends, Then Good For You.

To Always Trust My Instincts, To Always Believe I Have Something To Offer — No Matter How Meaningless Or Stupid It May Be — And To Never Listen To Anyone Who Tells You ‘no.’

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

My Life And My Legs Have Been An Open Book.

Don't Take 'no' For An Answer. Keep Knocking Down Walls Until Someone Says 'yes.'

I'm Into Politics, And I Love Watching The Heavier News Magazine Shows.

Anyone Who Is Friends With Bill Clinton Shouldn't Be Telling Their Wife About It.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

The Only People I Owe An Apology To Are My Dead Parents. Except My Father Because He's Still Alive.

I Wanted To Kick Bruce In The Taint. No One Is Just One Thing. Many Things Contribute To The Whole Of A Person, And Just Because Vodka Accounts For 50 Percent Of My Body Weight, That Doesn't Mean I Walk Around With A Vodka Drip, Forcing Every Plant, Person, Or Animal To Imbibe. I've Always Had A Disliking For Animal Trainers, And This Guy Cemented My Theory That People Who Chaperone Animals For A Living Have Never Had A Girl Sit On Their Face.

This Women/ Killer Was A Testament To My Theory That The Crazier You Are, The More Calories You Burn. That's Why Psychos Are Always So Skinny.

Can You Imagine Getting A Gun For A Secret Santa? That Is Especially Not A Good Idea If You Work In A Post Office.

Austin And I Proceeded To Knock Back A Couple Of Ketel One And Grapefruit Juices, Which Happened To Be My Drink Of The Moment. Someone Told Me That Grapefruit Was A Great Detoxifier And I Decided I Wanted To Start Cleaning Out My Liver While I Was Having A Cocktail.

My Relationship With My Father Had Been On The Proverbial Fritz Since The Time I Was Fifteen And Called The Police To Report Him For Child Molesting. He Had Never Molested Me, But I Wanted To Have A Party That Weekend And Needed Him Out Of The House.

It's A Pleasure To Play My Sister Because Everything I've Accused Her Of My Whole Life, I Can Now Re-enact Before Her Eyes.

I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

Adults End Up Shading Things And Shading The Truth, And You End Up Lying And Telling People What They Want To Hear.

If You Judge A Person By The Company They Keep, Then I'm Retarded.

You Don't Mess With Janitors, First Of All, They Have Like 40 Keys, And 1 Is To A Closet You Don't Want To Be Inside Of.

[late-night Host] Is Not Really A Job For A Woman. You Can't Have Kids And Be A Late-night Host.i Mean Samantha Bee Has Children, But You're There All Day And All Night. No One Has A Life Outside Of It. I Would Never Try To Have A Family. I Care Much More About A Career Anyway, Than Having A Family, So That's My Own Prerogative. It's Just Not Something That A Woman.

You Get Photographed Together When There's 25 People With You And People Assume That You're Having Sex, Which Is Definitely Not The Case.

I'll Tell You What Can Make Bacon Better... Nothing.

Shamu And I Have Arrived Safely In Costa Rica. He Was Stopped By Airport Security Because He Carries Enough Artillery In His Pants Pockets To Construct A Sawed-off Shotgun. Evidently, He Though We Were Headed To Iraq.

I Tried To Put Myself Up For Adoption Several Times.

There Are Two Kinds Of People I Don't Trust: People Who Don't Drink And People Who Collect Stickers.

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

Having A Baby, It's Like A Five Year Commitment.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

Everyone Is Coming From A Place Of Fear And My Feeling Is Stop Being So Afraid. If Something Doesn't Work Then That's Fine At Least Then You Know It Doesn't Work. Don't Worry So Much About It Not Working, You Can Always Fix That.

Then A Homeless Man With A Dog Approached Us And Put His Hand Out. This Happens To Be Something That I Have A Real Problem With: Homeless People With Pets Who Approach You For Food When They Have A Perfectly Delicious Dog Standing Right There?

It Would Be Nice If Everybody Were A Little Bit More Mindful Of What Kind Of Product You're Putting Out There. Nothing's For Everybody. People Are Liked And Disliked, But At Least Be Mindful Of What You're Doing And What Your Message Is, And Trying To Stay True To Your Authenticity And What You're Trying To Attain Or What Your Goals Are, And Don't Let Anybody Get In The Way Of That. At The Same Time, Have A Goal, And Have A Message.

Before Any Exposure On Tv, I'm A Real Chef.

As A Woman, We Should All Stop Talking About It And Just Acknowledge What's Happened And Act Like We Own The Space, Because We Do.

First Of All, I'm Not An Actor - I'm An Asshole.

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

You Don't Give Something Away Because It's Fat. You Take It And You Look At It.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

Next To Fat Babies, Midgets Are My Favorite Things To Hold. I Love Them So Much, And I Want To Help Them To Do Adult Things Like Drive Cars, Jet-ski, And Lip-synch. I’m In Awe Of Their Little Limbs, Their Large Craniums, And Their Medicine-ball Asses. I Love The Little Baby Steps They Take While Shifting Their Weight From Side To Side, And The Fact That When You Knock One Over Accidentally, He Flails Like A Turtle On Its Back That Can’t Get Up Right Away.

I’ll Always Be Doing Stand-up As Long As People Are Still Interested In Seeing Me.

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

I Don't Cook... I Don't Know How To Clean... There's May Be A Good Chance I'm An Alcoholic.

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

My Mom Was Kinda Like A Cat. She Slept A Lot.

Maybe They Should Name More Drugs Cute Things. I Don't Do Meth, But Maybe If They Called Meth 'stefanie' I Would!

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

Reality Tv's Pretty Tricky For Me. I Don't Really Watch Anything Like That, Because I Think It's Brain-sucking.

I Was Tortured, And Probably Half Of It Was Deserved, But I Was Bullied — So Much So That There Were Days When I Was Like, 'i Can't Go To School Today.' I Was Too Scared.

I Love A Stupid Joke, Something That Doesn't Make Any Sense.

Why Would You Go Out And Not Drink? Just Stay Home And Sit There.

I Think It's Important To Be Authentic To Who You Are, And If You're Inauthentic At All, People Smell That From A Mile Away.

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

Tara Reid Is Charging $3,500 For A Personal Appearance Fee. So, For Only $3,500 You Can Either Buy A 1998 Jetta With 130,000 Miles On It... Or Tara Reid, Who Only Has 98,000 Miles On Her.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

I Think The People I Talk About Are Generally So Stupid That They Don't Even Know I'm Saying Bad Things About Them. I've Run Into Paris Hilton And She's Like, Oh, I Love Your Show. And I'm Like, You Can't Love My Show If You Can Hear.

Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

I Like To Just Follow What I Find Compelling. In Order For Me To Be Compelling, I Have To Be Compelled. I Don't Try To Think About What People Are Interested In Seeing, I Have To Be Interested. For Me, That Works The Best.

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

I Know They Don't Recommend Ibuprofen During Pregnancy, But You Needed Something Fast For The Hangovers.

Paris Hilton Is One Of The Hosts For Nicole Richie’s Baby Shower, And They’re Serving Sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, The One Thing Pregnant Women Are Forbidden To Eat. Thanks For The Mercury.

Every Time John Travolta Assaults A Masseur, A Scientologist Gets Their Wings.

Amy Winehouse's Mother Wrote An Open Letter To The News Of The World Newspaper Telling Amy She's Worried About Her And To Please Call Her. I Doubt This Is The Best Way To Communicate With Amy - She Should Try Spelling It Out In Lines Of Cocaine.

People Who Have Experience And Credentials, They Should Be Talking About That [donald Trump Presenting On Tv]. I Know Everybody Cares About Ratings, But Come On. The Whole World Is Watching.

I Have A Question. Do You Guys Think It's Ok To Drink While You're Pregnant If You're Planning On Giving The Baby Up For Adoption?

Along With The 97 Percent Of Women Who Can See, I Have Never Been A Fan Of Redheaded Men.

If You Wait Too Long In Vegas, You End Up With A Chicken Finger In Your Underwear.

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

I Got A Vibrator That Needed Two Nine Volt Batteries. What Am I - R2d2? I Don't Know What To Do With That.

Whoever Calls And Asks Me To Do Stuff And Obviously, With Having Your Own Tv Show, People Want You To Get Involved. They Know You're A Stand-up Comedian So They're Always Looking For Somebody Funny To Host An Event.

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

For Months There Have Been Rumors That J.lo Is Finally Pregnant With Marc Anthony's Baby. She Was Afraid It Might Never Happen. I'm Afraid It's Going To Look Like Marc Anthony.

No One Has Ever Said To Me 'go Home And Make A Baby.' I Have Been Told Several Times To Go To Planned Parenthood And Make The Baby Go Away. Happy Hannukah.

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

There Are No Warning Signs On The Trampoline. The Warning Is The Trampoline.

It Became Clear When I Got In My Car That Persians Are Only Really Good For Two Things. Oil And Hummus.

Angelina Jolie’s Older Brother James Haven, The One She Made Out With, Has A License Plate On His Suv That Reads Shiloh. Maybe It’s Not That Weird. After All, He Could Be The Father.

Kristen Stewart Always Looks Like She's Posing For Pictures Taken In A Basement By Her Creepy Uncle.

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?

I'm Not Graceful Either. I Have No Rhythm, I'm Never On Top.

Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

I Want To Start Saying Bad Words All The Time!

The Whole Thing About My Books And My Life Is That I Create Drama's Always Around Me.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

I Love People Who Have Such Passion For Complete Nonsense.

Paris Hilton Has Launched A New Champagne In A Can Called Rich Prosecco. For The Ad Campaign Paris Posed Wearing Nothing But Gold Paint. That’s A Unique Way To Cover Up Herpes.

I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

If You Have To Work At Mcdonald's, Good For You. But On A Side Note, Good Luck With The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Or People Who Have One Baby And Go Buy A Minivan... How Big Is Your Baby?

It's Like Being A Stand-up Comedian Is What Leads To Being A Talk-show Host. That Life Is Not Cut Out For A Woman, Being On The Road At These Disgusting Hotels. What Girls Want To Do That? Gross Guys Want To Do That. I Think That The Dearth In Female Comics Is Just The Nature Of The Business, But There Certainly Isn't A Dearth Anymore, So I Think It's Just Silly.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

You Got Married Recently To A Rapper. It Doesn't Take Them Long To Impregnate Women.

I'm Always Happy To Pitch In And Do Something. Everybody Needs To Be Laughing A Little.

I Was A Fitness Fiasco - Until I Found Pilates . . . It's Been The Most Gentle On My Body I'm Longer And Leaner And Much More Graceful. I Can Honestly Say It's Changed My Body - And My Life.

I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

I Think It's Important To Be Involved With Charities That Don't Necessarily Reflect What You're Dealing With In Your Life.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

Absolutely I'm Going To Be Talking About It, Because It's In The Zeitgeist And It's Happening. It's An Election Year. It's The Biggest Election. Every Election Is A Big Election, So Whenever Anybody Says That It Kinds Of Grates Me, But It's A Fiasco. It's Turned Into A Complete Circus Act, So Of Course You Have To Make Fun Of It, But Responsible Journalists Definitely Are Being Irresponsible. They're Giving [donald Trump] So Much Air Time.

You Know What They Say, When One Door Closes, Another Belvedere Opens.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

There Should Be A Talent That Goes Along With Being Famous.

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

People Push My Buttons, So I'm Going To React.

My Theory About Taylor Swift Is That She's A Virgin, That Everyone Breaks Up With Her Because They Date Her For Two Weeks And She's Like, 'i'm Not Gonna Do It'.

I Hate When Men Think That Money Is Gonna Buy You Happiness... I Mean, It Helps.

I'd Like To Go Out For A Cocktail... Or Seven.

According To The New York Post, Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen Are Dating. They Must Be Getting Serious - Lance Gave Ashley His Yellow Live Strong Bracelet. She Wears It As A Belt.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

Guarantees That

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

Is Heather Mcdonald Your Best Friend? You Better Get A New One.

Your Best Friend

George Clooney And Fabio Apparently Got Into A Scuffle At A Restaurant In Los Angeles Over The Weekend. George Thought The Women With Fabio Were Taking Pictures Of Him. How Embarrassed Is George Clooney To Be In A Fight With Fabio? Who Is He Going To Call Out Next, Lorenzo Lamas?

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