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We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

-Chelsea Handler

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We Got To His

Chelsea Handler

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We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

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We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

Maybe They Should Name More Drugs Cute Things. I Don't Do Meth, But Maybe If They Called Meth 'stefanie' I Would!

My Relationship With My Father Had Been On The Proverbial Fritz Since The Time I Was Fifteen And Called The Police To Report Him For Child Molesting. He Had Never Molested Me, But I Wanted To Have A Party That Weekend And Needed Him Out Of The House.

When I Look At All The People That I Have Working For Me And The Company I've Started And All The People That Benefit From It And Have A Living Because Of It, It's Very Motivating To Continue To Do It.

It's Hard To Tell These Days What Gender People Are. You Don't Know If They're Gay, If They're Straight, Or Bruce Jenner.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

I've Never Made Love To A Ghost But I Have Made Love To Men Who Are A Few Years Away From Becoming A Ghost.

Hispanics Still Have The Highest Rate Amongst Teens With Babies So At Least The Future Housekeeping Is Secure.

I’m A Ridiculous Person. If You Take Anything Any Comedian Says Seriously, Then You’re Stupid.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

For Months There Have Been Rumors That J.lo Is Finally Pregnant With Marc Anthony's Baby. She Was Afraid It Might Never Happen. I'm Afraid It's Going To Look Like Marc Anthony.

No One Tells Me What To Do -- In Any Capacity.

Even If Times Are Tough And You're Enduring A Terrible Heartache, It's Important To Focus Your Anger On A Vibrator, Not Another Person.

It's A Pleasure To Play My Sister Because Everything I've Accused Her Of My Whole Life, I Can Now Re-enact Before Her Eyes.

Every Time John Travolta Assaults A Masseur, A Scientologist Gets Their Wings.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

I Had To Feign Interest In All This Nonsense Until I Could Ask When I Could Come Over And Sit On His Face. I Didn't Say That Out Loud, Of Course. I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

Obviously You Want To Be Smart Enough To Take Other People's Advice And Take That Into Consideration, And Obviously Try To Surround Yourself With People That Are Smarter Than You. As Far As Sticking To Your Guns, I Think There Is No Better Advice Than To Just Find Something That You Really Give A S - About And Then Go Do It.

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

You Should Never Be Mean To Other Girls. I Don't Care What Grade You're In. Be Nice To People Until You're My Age... And You Have Your Own Tv Show.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

That's The Problem In My Industry. Anyone Can Go And Open A F - Ing Hotel. Anyone Can Go And Buy A Restaurant. It's Not Like A Doctor Or A Lawyer, You Need Certain Qualifications. That's The Issue.

Paris Hilton Is One Of The Hosts For Nicole Richie’s Baby Shower, And They’re Serving Sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, The One Thing Pregnant Women Are Forbidden To Eat. Thanks For The Mercury.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

My Tendency To Make Up Stories And Lie Compulsively For The Sake Of My Own Amusement Takes Up A Good Portion Of My Day And Provides Me With A Peace Of Mind Not Easily Attainable In This Economic Climate.

I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

Then They Have The Audacity To Go Shopping And Pick Out Their Own Gifts. I Want To Know Who The First Person Was Who Said This Was Okay. After Spending All That Money On A Bachelorette Weekend, A Shower, And Often A Flight Across The Country, They Expect You To Go To Williams Sonoma Or Pottery Barn And Do Research? Then They Send You A Thank-you Note Applauding You For Such A Thoughtful Gift. They're The One Who Picked It Out!

People Who Have Experience And Credentials, They Should Be Talking About That [donald Trump Presenting On Tv]. I Know Everybody Cares About Ratings, But Come On. The Whole World Is Watching.

According To An Article On Cnn.com, A New Study Says People Who Are Bad Kissers Don't Get Laid. Where Are You Supposed To Learn How To Kiss? If You Go To Catholic School, It's From Your Priest; In Public School, You Learn From Your Teacher; And Some Guys Learn From Their Sisters... If Their Sister Is Angelina Jolie.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

It’s True What They Say About Patience Being A Virtue; It Just Happens To Be A Virtue That I Choose Not To Pursue.

I Think Everyone's Afraid Of Public Speaking. There Have Been Times Where I've Come Out Of My Own Show And Been Like, 'oh, God, What Am I Doing?' . . . You Have To Remind Yourself That 'ok, I'm Kind Of A Badass. I Can Handle It.'

Anyone Who Is Friends With Bill Clinton Shouldn't Be Telling Their Wife About It.

I Will Probably Have Sex With Eminem After The Show Is Over. Probably, I Dont See Why I Wouldnt. Im Fair Game, Its Not Like Im That Picky, Youve Seen The Guys Ive Dated. I Like Swizz Beatz, Just Because I Would Like To Yell Out In Bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep It Coming!

I Think It's Important To Be Involved With Charities That Don't Necessarily Reflect What You're Dealing With In Your Life.

Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

Don't Take 'no' For An Answer. Keep Knocking Down Walls Until Someone Says 'yes.'

I Want To Start Saying Bad Words All The Time!

There's A Reason You Never See Anyone's House With A Beware Of Cat Sign. Because They're Not Even Worth Mentioning.

They Travel In Groups. You Never See An Asian By Their Self.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be.

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

I Wanted To Kick Bruce In The Taint. No One Is Just One Thing. Many Things Contribute To The Whole Of A Person, And Just Because Vodka Accounts For 50 Percent Of My Body Weight, That Doesn't Mean I Walk Around With A Vodka Drip, Forcing Every Plant, Person, Or Animal To Imbibe. I've Always Had A Disliking For Animal Trainers, And This Guy Cemented My Theory That People Who Chaperone Animals For A Living Have Never Had A Girl Sit On Their Face.

The Only People I Owe An Apology To Are My Dead Parents. Except My Father Because He's Still Alive.

First Of All, I'm Not An Actor - I'm An Asshole.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

I'm Always Happy To Pitch In And Do Something. Everybody Needs To Be Laughing A Little.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

I Think The People In Your Life Are The People That - When You Can Make Other People Happy And You Can Give Things To Your Family And Your Friends, You Know, That's Really Obviously What Life Is All About. But It Doesn't Have To Be Children. It Doesn't Have To Be A Husband. It Can Be Whatever You Make It.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

Before Any Exposure On Tv, I'm A Real Chef.

Along With The 97 Percent Of Women Who Can See, I Have Never Been A Fan Of Redheaded Men.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

According To The New York Post, Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen Are Dating. They Must Be Getting Serious - Lance Gave Ashley His Yellow Live Strong Bracelet. She Wears It As A Belt.

Vomit And Feces Are Two Reason I Have Decided Not To Procreate.

Tara Reid Is Charging $3,500 For A Personal Appearance Fee. So, For Only $3,500 You Can Either Buy A 1998 Jetta With 130,000 Miles On It... Or Tara Reid, Who Only Has 98,000 Miles On Her.

Then A Homeless Man With A Dog Approached Us And Put His Hand Out. This Happens To Be Something That I Have A Real Problem With: Homeless People With Pets Who Approach You For Food When They Have A Perfectly Delicious Dog Standing Right There?

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

It Would Be Nice If Everybody Were A Little Bit More Mindful Of What Kind Of Product You're Putting Out There. Nothing's For Everybody. People Are Liked And Disliked, But At Least Be Mindful Of What You're Doing And What Your Message Is, And Trying To Stay True To Your Authenticity And What You're Trying To Attain Or What Your Goals Are, And Don't Let Anybody Get In The Way Of That. At The Same Time, Have A Goal, And Have A Message.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

I Think It's Important To Be Authentic To Who You Are, And If You're Inauthentic At All, People Smell That From A Mile Away.

I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

Paris Hilton Has Launched A New Champagne In A Can Called Rich Prosecco. For The Ad Campaign Paris Posed Wearing Nothing But Gold Paint. That’s A Unique Way To Cover Up Herpes.

If You Do Talk Dirty, Make Sure That You Enunciate Because There's Nothing More Embarrassing Than Having To Repeat Yourself.

I Haven't Been Manipulated. I Did A Documentary In Prison Years Ago Because I Was So F - Ed Off With Those Lazy Bastards In Their Bed For 18 Hours A Day, Five Dishes A Day On A Menu To Choose From, Playing Soccer Every Day, Going To The Gym, Watching Movies.

I Was A Fitness Fiasco - Until I Found Pilates . . . It's Been The Most Gentle On My Body I'm Longer And Leaner And Much More Graceful. I Can Honestly Say It's Changed My Body - And My Life.

It's Good That People Don't Like You. That's Good. It Means That You Are Doing Something Interesting.

I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

Don't Choose The Better Guy, Choose The Guy That's Gonna Make You The Better Girl

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

You Want To Do Something A Little Bit Meaningful, Because We're Not Saving The Planet Or Anything, But We Want To Contribute In A Positive Way, In A Way That Makes A Difference Or Makes Somebody Feel Something.

Making A Difference

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

I'm Not Graceful Either. I Have No Rhythm, I'm Never On Top.

People Push My Buttons, So I'm Going To React.

David Hasselhoff Was Hospitalized After Falling Off The Wagon Again. He Probably Got Used To Drinking Too Much, Because For Years He Never Had To Worry About Driving Anywhere - His Car Drove Itself.

A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

If You Wait Too Long In Vegas, You End Up With A Chicken Finger In Your Underwear.

Or People Who Have One Baby And Go Buy A Minivan... How Big Is Your Baby?

Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon Just Got Themselves A Marriage License. I Think Before She Gets Married Again Pam Needs To Slow Down And Think About Whether This Is Really The Man She Wants To Spend Three Or Four Months Of Her Life With.

I'll Tell You What Can Make Bacon Better... Nothing.

If Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, I Wonder If Blood Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend 5 Days Out Of The Month?

If You Want To Have Sex With Strangers, You Have To Do It The Old Fashion Way And Become A Prostitute.

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

It Became Clear When I Got In My Car That Persians Are Only Really Good For Two Things. Oil And Hummus.

Can You Imagine Getting A Gun For A Secret Santa? That Is Especially Not A Good Idea If You Work In A Post Office.

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

You Don't Mess With Janitors, First Of All, They Have Like 40 Keys, And 1 Is To A Closet You Don't Want To Be Inside Of.

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

The L. A. Times Is Reporting That Britney Spears' Album Blackout Will Be Number One On The Billboard Charts. Not To Toot My Horn, But I Predicted This On My Show A Week Ago. No One Wanted To Believe Me - Even I Didn't Want To Believe Me, But Now I Know How Nostradamus Feels.

I'm Not That Shallow, Asshole. I Don't Need Money. It's Way More Important For Them To Be Good-looking.

You Know What They Say, When One Door Closes, Another Belvedere Opens.

I Was Tortured, And Probably Half Of It Was Deserved, But I Was Bullied — So Much So That There Were Days When I Was Like, 'i Can't Go To School Today.' I Was Too Scared.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

As A Woman, We Should All Stop Talking About It And Just Acknowledge What's Happened And Act Like We Own The Space, Because We Do.

[late-night Host] Is Not Really A Job For A Woman. You Can't Have Kids And Be A Late-night Host.i Mean Samantha Bee Has Children, But You're There All Day And All Night. No One Has A Life Outside Of It. I Would Never Try To Have A Family. I Care Much More About A Career Anyway, Than Having A Family, So That's My Own Prerogative. It's Just Not Something That A Woman.

What About Your Constitutional Right To Bear Arms, You Say. I Would Simply Point Out That You Don’t Have To Exercise A Constitutional Right Just Because You Have It. You Have The Constitutional Right To Run For President Of The United States, But Most People Have Too Much Sense To Insist On Exercising It.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

I Have A Question. Do You Guys Think It's Ok To Drink While You're Pregnant If You're Planning On Giving The Baby Up For Adoption?

Paula Abdul's Really Impatient To Start A Family. She Says If She Has To Wait Much Longer She's Going To Go Crazy-er.

We Spend So Much Money On These Dresses That Are Terrible. And What Do We Get Out Of It? Nothing - A Piece Of Chicken And A Roll In The Hay With Her Hillbilly Cousin - No Thank You. My Family's Very Close; I Can Do That At Home.

To Always Trust My Instincts, To Always Believe I Have Something To Offer — No Matter How Meaningless Or Stupid It May Be — And To Never Listen To Anyone Who Tells You ‘no.’

I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

I Think Bullying Of Anybody, Whether They're Gay Or Straight Or Anything In High School Is Unbearable.

When You See The Veins Popping Out Of My Neck, That's An Exclamation Point.

Exclamation Points

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

It's Like Being A Stand-up Comedian Is What Leads To Being A Talk-show Host. That Life Is Not Cut Out For A Woman, Being On The Road At These Disgusting Hotels. What Girls Want To Do That? Gross Guys Want To Do That. I Think That The Dearth In Female Comics Is Just The Nature Of The Business, But There Certainly Isn't A Dearth Anymore, So I Think It's Just Silly.

I Like To Laugh. It's Kind Of Escapism. I Like To Make People Laugh. And I Kind Of Like People Just To Have To Not Think About Anything

I Hate When Men Think That Money Is Gonna Buy You Happiness... I Mean, It Helps.

Paris Hilton Is Going On A Goodwill Mission To Rwanda. It’s The First Time An Entire Third World Country Will Have To Get Immunizations For A Visitor.

I Probably Do The Most For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Or Lgbt, But I Don't Have One That I Focus On. I Just Try And Kind Of Do A Lot For Different Charities.

He Laid Into Me With The Same Gusto As A Right-wing Political Pundit On The O'reilly Factor Defending President's Bush Right To Vacation Six Days Out Of The Week.

I Had An Abortion When I Was 16. Because That's What I Should Have Done. Otherwise I Would Now Have A 20-year-old Kid. Anyway, Those Are Things That People Shouldn't Be Dishonest About It.

I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

I Look Hot And, Most Of All, Skinny. I Love The Day After Throwing Up. I Felt Like A Feather.

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

I’ll Always Be Doing Stand-up As Long As People Are Still Interested In Seeing Me.

Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

My Negotiation Skills Are Are On Par With George Bush's Reading Ability. And Just Like Dubya, Every Time I've Tried To Put Forth An Effort, I Am Reminded That My Only True Strength Lies In Drinking.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

George Clooney And Fabio Apparently Got Into A Scuffle At A Restaurant In Los Angeles Over The Weekend. George Thought The Women With Fabio Were Taking Pictures Of Him. How Embarrassed Is George Clooney To Be In A Fight With Fabio? Who Is He Going To Call Out Next, Lorenzo Lamas?

Next To Fat Babies, Midgets Are My Favorite Things To Hold. I Love Them So Much, And I Want To Help Them To Do Adult Things Like Drive Cars, Jet-ski, And Lip-synch. I’m In Awe Of Their Little Limbs, Their Large Craniums, And Their Medicine-ball Asses. I Love The Little Baby Steps They Take While Shifting Their Weight From Side To Side, And The Fact That When You Knock One Over Accidentally, He Flails Like A Turtle On Its Back That Can’t Get Up Right Away.

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

Austin And I Proceeded To Knock Back A Couple Of Ketel One And Grapefruit Juices, Which Happened To Be My Drink Of The Moment. Someone Told Me That Grapefruit Was A Great Detoxifier And I Decided I Wanted To Start Cleaning Out My Liver While I Was Having A Cocktail.

According To Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent May Be Working On Lindsay Lohan's Next Album. Finally, A Match Made In Rap Heaven. He's A Convicted Drug Dealer Who's Been Shot Nine Times, And She Spent 84 Minutes In Prison. This Is A Big Step For Lindsay. The Last Time Lindsay Got Near A Black Guy She Ran Over His Foot.

Let's All Help Each Other Be A Little Bit Better At Being Human Beings.

A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

You Get Photographed Together When There's 25 People With You And People Assume That You're Having Sex, Which Is Definitely Not The Case.

My Message Is Strong And My Belief Is Strong, In The Fact That We Can Still Be Provocative And Have Fun And Just Get Informed.

I Got A Vibrator That Needed Two Nine Volt Batteries. What Am I - R2d2? I Don't Know What To Do With That.

I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

I Like To Just Follow What I Find Compelling. In Order For Me To Be Compelling, I Have To Be Compelled. I Don't Try To Think About What People Are Interested In Seeing, I Have To Be Interested. For Me, That Works The Best.

Mexico's A Great Place To Overcome A Drug Addiction.

No One Has Ever Said To Me 'go Home And Make A Baby.' I Have Been Told Several Times To Go To Planned Parenthood And Make The Baby Go Away. Happy Hannukah.

There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

I Love A Stupid Joke, Something That Doesn't Make Any Sense.

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

Guarantees That

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

There Are No Warning Signs On The Trampoline. The Warning Is The Trampoline.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

In A Statement To The Associated Press Earlier In The Year, Jamie Lynn Said She Didn’t Have A Boyfriend. She Said, ‘i’m Keeping My Options Open.’ And By Options, She Meant Legs.

Have You Ever Experienced A Pain So Sharp In Your Heart That It's All You Can Do To Take A Breath? It's A Pain You Wouldn't Wish On Your Worst Enemy; You Wouldn't Want To Pass It On To Anyone Else For Fear He Or She Might Not Be Able To Bear It. It's The Pain Of Being Betrayed By A Person With Whom You've Fallen In Love. It's Not As Serious As Death, But It Feels A Whole Lot Like It, And As I've Come To Learn, Pain Is Pain Any Way You Slice It.

In These Tough Economic Times, Everybody Has To Cut Back. I Am Down To Three Tabs Of Ecstasy A Day.

Tough Economic Times

As You Get Older, Then You Finally Come Back Around Full Circle When You Don't Give A S - Anymore And You Decide I'm Going To Just Tell The Truth To Everybody. I Don't Give A S - If Anybody Likes Me.

There Should Be A Talent That Goes Along With Being Famous.

You Should Always Speak Your Mind, And Be Bold, And Be Obnoxious, And Do Whatever You Want And Don’t Let Anybody Tell You To Stop It.

Speak Your Mind

Men Don’t Realize That If We’re Sleeping With Them On The First Date, We’re Probably Not Interested In Seeing Them Again Either.

I Think Being Able To Have Follow-through, I Think A Lot Of People Who Are In Charge, That Is The One Quality That You Can't Forsake. You Can Get Opinions, But You Can't Have Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen When You're Envisioning Something.

This Women/ Killer Was A Testament To My Theory That The Crazier You Are, The More Calories You Burn. That's Why Psychos Are Always So Skinny.

I Think When I Envisioned My Documentaries, What I Wanted To Do When I Left, I Had No Business Doing Those Documentaries. I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. I Was Delving Into An Arena That I Had No Experience In, And Netflix Paired Me Up With Two Documentarians That Really Executed My Vision Perfectly. That Was Great, To See That. All Of A Sudden I'm At Sundance, And Those Are Premiering. I Just Thought, "wow, They Were Four Ideas I Pitched One Day, And Now It's Coming To Fruition On This Scale."

If You Have To Work At Mcdonald's, Good For You. But On A Side Note, Good Luck With The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Shamu And I Have Arrived Safely In Costa Rica. He Was Stopped By Airport Security Because He Carries Enough Artillery In His Pants Pockets To Construct A Sawed-off Shotgun. Evidently, He Though We Were Headed To Iraq.

The Only Reason I Think I Would Marry A Foreigner Would Be To Have Kids With Weird Accents.

My Feeling Is, If A Dog Is That Hard Up To Break Free, Let It Go. It's Like A Boyfriend Who Wants To Break Up. We All Know The Old Adage "if You Set Someone Free, And He Never Comes Back, Then He Was Never Yours." I Understand The Main Fear With Setting Dogs Loose Is They Could Get Hit By A Car, But So Could An Ex Boyfriend. That's Just A Chance You Have To Take.

It's Unfiltered Conversation And I Love It. I Also Like To Argue With Children, So It's The Perfect Platform For Me.

I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

You Do Not Own A Dog. You Have A Dog. And The Dog Has You

My Life And My Legs Have Been An Open Book.

It's A Dream Come True To Have Someone Else Portray Me. Because I've Been Living This Life For A Long Time, And I'm Over Myself.

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

According To Life & Style, Lance Armstrong Was Seen Canoodling With Fitness Model Kim Strother, And The Night Before, He Was With Ashley Olsen. He's Going From Bar To Bar Picking Up Women - How Does He Get Them Home? Does He Put Them On The Handlebars, Or Does He Have A Banana Seat?

This Kind Of Mixing Of Ingredients Happens All The Time At Fast-food Places... You Know When You Order French Fries And There's A Rogue Onion Ring At The Bottom. You Know, At First You're Alarmed But You Eat It. It All Comes From The Same Place! You Just Have To Go For It.

Obviously, If I Was Serious About Having A Relationship With Some One Long-term, The Last People I Would Introduce Him To Would Be My Family.

I Try To Not Overthink Anything. I Don't Understand Why Nipples Are Nudity. Who Cares? Men Can Show Their Nipples But If We Have Breasts We Can't Show Them?

I Went Out With A Guy Who Once Told Me I Didn’t Need To Drink To Make Myself More Fun To Be Around. I Told Him, I’m Drinking So That You’re More Fun To Be Around.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

I Would Never Get Married While My Father Is Still Alive Because I Wouldn't Want Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle.

There Are Two Kinds Of People I Don't Trust: People Who Don't Drink And People Who Collect Stickers.

Getting Rewarded For Being Pregnant When You're A Teenager? Are You Serious? I Mean, That Makes Me Want To Kill Somebody.

You Just Be Honest About Who You Are, And If You Dont End Up With Any Friends, Then Good For You.

I Can't Be Skinny All The Time. I Like To Drink And I Like To Eat. I Like Burgers And Bagels.

My Father Has A High Opinion Of His Opinion

I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

Why Would You Go Out And Not Drink? Just Stay Home And Sit There.

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